Preety_India

Chapter 83

Chapter 82

Chapter 81 My only peace is the pool game, Wicca practice and this journal, a few video games.

Chapter 80 "Hydrate your soul." These words are so beautiful. Saw them in a random comment. They make perfect sense. All I needed was emotional liberarion to feel in place 1. First there is a man 2. Then there is a dynamic of the relationship. There are four types of people based on inward and outward behavior. 1. Outward behavior is unpleasant. Inward behavior is also very bad or unpleasant. Such people are " malevolent " 2.Inward behavior is good and outward behavior is good. "Healthy" or "Serene 3. Inward behavior is good Outward behavior is bad and outrageous . Such people are "innocent ignoramus" 4. Outward behavior is good. Inward behavior is mean and cunning and sociopathic or harmful. Such people are " toxic deceptive " 5. Outward behavior is crazy. And inward behavior is neutral or pleasant. Such people are "unstable volatile". 6. Outward behavior is neutral. Inward behavior is also neutral. Such people are "spectator" There is nothing like good or evil. There is only psychological profiles. Examples of different profiles Possessive, narcissistic, annoying, abusive, mean, catty, bully, sociopathic, dominating, aggressive, passive, volatile, impulsive, extortionist, manipulative, bitchy, user, bossy, follower, naive, emotional, overly sensitive, heartless, innocent, shallow

Chapter 79 There are different rooms. . Swan room... Self and self. Concept of the soul and the temple and the journey from birth to the afterlife. White room... Positivity. Growth of the soul. Flower room. Worship. Altar. Vortex room. Exploration of darker things, of knowledge and understanding of the world and reality. Evil and its impact. Scientific study of the human mind and psychology.. Black room. Earth room. Everything material and how things can be manifested into physical reality. Understanding the physical nature of things. And why physical or material is as important as spiritual. Therapy room... Healing the Ego. Talk therapy.

Chapter 78 5th November I have finally escaped and it honestly feels wonderful. A breath of relief. Everything can finally come together.

Chapter 77 3rd November. 4th November I'm just a total mess right now. Can't sleep. Emotionally exhausted. Feeling bitter and bored. Life sucks big time. I wish I had found this journal a long time ago. My soul should be taken away. From October 17 till now it has been excruciating 16 days. I remember Oct 16 buying something for. Did I talk to him on October 20 again. Maybe I can check.. My only peace is the pool game, Wicca practice and this journal, a few video games.

Chapter 76 Wicca started on 21st September

Chapter 75. The past 20 days have been a horror ride for me emotionally. So much I went through I just felt helpless.

Chapter 74 Today is an emotional day. I had emotional moments on October 23. And now I'm still having a hard time dealing with things. I have decided to finally leave and give up. I'm not putting any more effort. Enough is enough. I try to be nice. But If someone has to just hurt me and get at me all the time, you just can't do anything about it. Today is November 2. I have been dealing with too much. Yesterday I had a full emotional rant on everything he said. It was constantly in my head. I am too much in it to feel okay. I just don't want my life to be ruined anymore. He has been a bitch. Nothing short of a tormenting bitch.

Chapter 73 I'm under a lot of stress. I love this person infinitely. But at some point I will have to break free. It's very confusing and difficult. I love him immensely. I possibly cannot live without him. He is the love of my life. But it's difficult to live with him. It won't be possible for me. I feel very bad and this love has been like a punishment. My heart is broken. I feel absolutely miserable. God knows my heart. My heart is pure. I felt terrible guilt every day. I pray to God that he understands what is happening with me. This is probably the greatest injustice in my life. To love someone so much, to care for them so much to know there will no happily ever after is just so painful. God should do justice to my feelings. I have never felt so strong for a man in my life. Or even a person. I feel like I can die for him. It's madness. I love him truly madly deeply. And I am totally confused. Because there is this terrible guilt in me. He is my greatest passion, my greatest desire, never have I felt overcome by emotion in this manner, never I have felt so strongly to have someone. He is the only thing I want. My life has no meaning without him. God can hear my screams. God can feel how much I want him and yet I can't have him. My dream will never be fulfilled. It's an empty dream. I want to be buried next to him. I know this will never happen. God knows my burning desire. It's unjust. My life is in the middle of a standstill. God please hear me out. Put an end to my restlessness. Give me peace when I'm gone. Unite me with him in heaven if not on earth. Unite me with him in spirit. I have hungered for him since a long time. I have grown weary. Love has driven me crazy. All I see is him in my heart and soul and mind. I feel deep sadness and my heart is broken because what I wanted the most is what I willl never have. A man lives for his desires. I will never be fulfilled or happy because I know my desire has to be buried. I never had great desires. This is one thing I wanted the most is to be with him in life and in death. I want to be with him peacefully in heaven. God your greatness is unbeatable. Give what people need. Give them your grace. I've been driven mad by his love. It's very painful to love someone knowing you will never be there with them. It's a punishment for life. Guilt, pain and agony have consumed me. I feel guilty for everything. I feel the pain of having to lose someone I consider the most precious. I already feel the loss. I feel lost too. Evrything is a blurr. God you know my heart and you know I did not do anything wrong. I have fallen in love. This was my greatest mistake, my greatest pleasure, my greatest joy and my greatest punishment, all at once. God find a way through this mess in such a way that he ain't hurt I respect and deeply admire him. I wish I could be with him forever and into the afterlife. God have mercy on my soul. God knows the truth. Make him happy. Make him good. I cannot live without him. Take care of him God. I have no ill intention or bad motive. I have no hidden motive. I had no impurity or greed or any malice or any conspiracy in my heart. My heart is pure and innocent. It has not lied whil431e loving him.

Chapter 72 Today is 1st November. I accomplished some of the tasks from my tasks list today. So I feel good. I did good. Cheers to myself. I'm going to elaborate on the white hole and the swan room concept. And going to implement these concepts since 1st November. [2018]

Chapter 71 Zveth, Zhin and zee together form triquetra or triple circle. 3 circles. Triquetra. Or triple circles or rings. Zveth represented by any knot. It's a life force present in everything. It binds. It's the soul. The symbol of the knot is ~°~. Zveth knots can be seen in pentacle pendants. Also represented by a ring sometimes. The smallest ring will be Zveth. 3 symbols - small ring, any knot, Celtic knot without circle, or ~°~ Zhin by a smaller ring. zee by a larger ring. Zhin and zee are together to represent character or spiritual quality and spiritual force or strength. This is a double ring. Along with Zveth it will form a triple ring.

Chapter 70 October 31 Halloween.

Chapter 69 The spiritual force or energy can be called zee. This is the energy that binds together Zhin, and Zveth. Even Dzhin. Now the trio combination of Zveth, Zhin and zee is a holy trinity represented by the triple. By a triskele or a triple spiral, or three circles joined together. It's unsure what the symbol of Zveth should be. It needs to be changed. It can be a plain circle. Or an oval hollow. It can be shown as ~°~. Chapter 67 Updated Chapter 57 and Chapter 58 Chapter 57 Medal or Pendant representations 1. Dzhin - pentacle 2. Zhin - ring..ring pendant. 3. Zveth - flame or egg or any oval pendant. Both teardrop and oval are okay. Teardrop, oval or egg shape pendant. 4. Itztli - Vase or pot that keeps filling like an infinite pot or bottomless well. .. Infinity pendant or ring. Or a vial pendant containing salt. 5. Solis or Sol . God consciousness /sol[Roman] = fire + spirit + water + storge + salubris +sophos[curative] + air + Solis + karma. Sol is represented by a circular disc pendant. A larger representation is a huge disc or plate. You can use a large dinner plate. You can also use a sun pendant. 6. Unfulfilled desires skull ring or skull pendant. A larger representation will be a huge skull on a skull box. Also a dish having five filled circles inside this box . 7. Raum or MALPHAS - letter T or raven bird - letter T pendant. This is not a cross. Or a raven bird or crow pendant. A larger representation is an artificial raven bird decoration piece. 8. Meszezeteotl - pentacle pendant same as Dzhin. A larger representation is a black trapezoid. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Chapter 58 6 elements of the human body. 1. Body 2. Mind 3. Spirit or Zhin 4. Soul or Zveth 5. God's spirit or Dzhin 6. Itztli or consciousness Each to be represented by a ring forming six interlocked rings. The combination of Zveth zhin and zee to be represented by the triple spiral, triskele or the 3 rings or circles intertwined

Chapter 68 October 31. Halloween. An important festival. Today will be the day with my friends in the evening.

Chapter 67 Updated Chapter 57 and Chapter 58 Chapter 57 Medal or Pendant representations 1. Dzhin - pentacle 2. Zhin - ring..ring pendant. 3. Zveth - flame or egg or any oval pendant. Both teardrop and oval are okay. Teardrop, oval or egg shape pendant. 4. Itztli - Vase or pot that keeps filling like an infinite pot or bottomless well. .. Infinity pendant or ring. Or a vial pendant containing salt. 5. Solis or Sol . God consciousness /sol[Roman] = fire + spirit + water + storge + salubris +sophos[curative] + air + Solis + karma. Sol is represented by a circular disc pendant. A larger representation is a huge disc or plate. You can use a large dinner plate. You can also use a sun pendant. 6. Unfulfilled desires skull ring or skull pendant. A larger representation will be a huge skull on a skull box. Also a dish having five filled circles inside this box . 7. Raum or MALPHAS - letter T or raven bird - letter T pendant. This is not a cross. Or a raven bird or crow pendant. A larger representation is an artificial raven bird decoration piece. 8. Meszezeteotl - pentacle pendant same as Dzhin. A larger representation is a black trapezoid. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Chapter 58 6 elements of the human body. 1. Body 2. Mind 3. Spirit or Zhin 4. Soul or Zveth 5. God's spirit or Dzhin 6. Itztli or consciousness Each to be represented by a ring forming six interlocked rings. The combination of Zveth zhin and zee to be represented by the triple spiral, triskele or the 3 rings or circles intertwined.

Chapter 66.. The spiritual force or energy can be called zee. This is the energy that binds together Zhin, and Zveth. Even Dzhin. Now the trio combination of Zveth, Zhin and zee is a holy trinity represented by the triple. By a triskele or a triple spiral, or three circles joined together.

Chapter 65 The black hole and white hole are two opposing concepts. Both are deep. Like bottomless wells. You can be too dark and negative and even lose the gifts you are given. Or you could be extremely positive and make the best out of what you got and expand and create something better and alternative and something magical, something you never thought you could do, come out of hopelessness and create something beautiful or wonderful or amazing out of your life. Both are bottomless. When you look down into it, it gets bigger and deeper each time you look into it, as you go deeper it gets deeper but it never ends. It keeps going deeper. You only keep growing towards infinite growth. Maybe this is what life is. A stopover. An opportunity of infinite growth for the soul. It's a phase between many phases of growth in the journey of the soul in the afterlife. And life is one stopover where the soul gets to grow and purify itself and get better through the use of the spirit and mind and consciousness. Maybe this is where the soul grows inch by inch and expands in its light, wisdom and goodness and divine intelligence. And life is limited by death. So the soul has a small window of opportunity called life in which it will grow and grow to become more divine, happy, fulfilled, intelligent and achieve extraordinary feats through showing ita power in the physical world. Maybe this life is a video game for the soul and every life handled well is a brownie point or one higher score.. A feather in the cap for job well done. That's pretty much how our mind is.

Chapter 64 What does power really imply or mean? I don't know. But I need to reflect on this subject. The concept of the black hole and the white hole The black hole The black hole is like a person contracting into themselves. Not sure about this though. It's about a downward spiral and if that even matters. A person who becomes sad, self destructive and begins the road to downfall and ultimately to death. What is he creating. It feels like a hole of misery and negativity. But is it just our perception because we are so attached to the idea of success and fame and wealth that if anyone who fails at it The world is so shallow. Everything is limited to looks and personality and big bucks and enterprises. There can be so much to life. By the way much of what the world admires is pure self consumption nothing more. People win video games because that gives them a high. People want a high paying job so taht they can have a mighty reputation in society. It's all fake and a man's need to feel superior, an exercise in narcissism, most don't care about service to others. It's only about consumption or self gratification. The white hole The white hole is all about expansion and not contraction, about being bigger than who we are, expanding our hearts and minds, doing our best, seeing more to life than what the world shows, being a remarkable inspiration in difficult situations, embracing and coping with life's struggles, expanding the mind and consciousness to experience infinite potential of the mind,body, spirit and life or existence. To have a bigger heart. To seek infinite possible ways of happiness and fulfillment in life and not those that we are limited to by the world. To realize that life is magnanimous and our perception is too narrow and if we only broadened our mindset we will be able to see new territories in the mind opening up to show that almost anything is possible and that there can be so much more we can do with our lives and not have to worry too much about what we don't have.

Chapter 63 Spirituality is having an emotion, a vibe, an essence. A hand can move a vessel, a spirit can move mountains. Spirituality is energy in emotional form. It is a driving force behind will power. It's an energy of desires. Spirituality achieves that which physical cannot. Physical state has infinite limitations. But spiritual has no limits. It's unbounded. This is the beauty of God. God created the physical to test the weakness of man, God created the spirit to show a man what strength is. Without spirituality there will be absolute chaos and despair. Your spirituality is your saviour. Life is hard. Life is brutal. Spirituality enables you to endure even the toughest circumstances. Morality is different. But morality makes us more human or more kinder or ocean like. Let thy heart be like an ocean, so big that it can contain anything. Love begets morality. Without love there is no morality. You cannot love someone and commit murder or do injustice. Love cannot create that. Love makes a person morally stronger and wiser because morality is a spiritual quality. Any person with immense love is also moral. Is spirituality same as morality. No. Not in my opinion. Spirituality is a force or source of energy resident within us. Morality is a set of principles you want to live by. A person could be very loving and very kind and very moral but spiritually strong. He is spiritual because goodness is a spiritual quality. But he may not be spiritually strong because he lacks the energy and the endurance to fight through and make things happen. He may be weak means he can't overcome much or is not spiritually strong. The spiritual force or energy can be called zee. This is the energy that binds together Zhin, Dzhin and Zveth. High spiritual energy makes a person more intuitive and emotional. Practicing spirituality means having a higher zee. Higher zee means you are spiritually charged the way a battery is charged. People in ancient times who were spiritually powerful have accomplished tremendous and remarkable feats and achievements that look almost impossible. You have to understand a crucial difference. The zhin or spirit can be good or bad. The Itztli can be build gradually. But it can be both good and bad. A bad zhin means a person is just born bad or destructive. Bad Itztli means bad nurturing or upbringing. They have become bad over time through this nurturing. Zveth is the source of the spiritual energy zee. Now this trinity of zhin, Zveth and zee can be expressed as a knife or Athame. Here's why. A person can be bad and have a higher zee or inner will power and use it to harm others but they are successful in doing so because their spirit is strong. A can be good and use their zee to cause extraordinary acts of goodness and change that benefit the environment. Thus the zee can be used both negatively or positively depending on the nature of zhin. It's like a knife. It can be used to cut vegetables or for something good or it can be used for killing. Spiritual force is dependent on zee. How you use this force/zee is dependent on the zhin. You can create heaven or you can create hell. Your character will shape your intentions. If you use your spiritual energy constructively you will create good in this world, if used destructively you will create chaos and add to the despair. zee is basically the energy of emotion. So you have to feel intense emotions to experience higher zee. Thats why people with psychic powers are more emotional and empathetic. Such people can sense intense emotions in people, places and objects, they are like a sensitive pendulum that starts to move depending on the direction or emotion sensed by the mind. Such people are generally empaths and they have very high emotional range. They can get intense emotions which can make them drained, stressed out and upset or depressed for long periods of time. When you put your emotion into something you are increasing your zee. Ancient people put emotions into building pyramids. How to develop intense emotions. Praying, talk therapy, connection with animals, helping others and giving them emotional support, worship, Journaling, writing, visualization, chanting, music, art, spreading love, negative emotions. People believe that depression is bad but it is sometimes a blessing in disguise. When we are happy we are less motivated because we are content. But when we experience sadness, loss, pain, anger they can be driving force or a motivation to achieve our purpose. People get passionate about things that hurt them. For example let's say a child was bullied throughout school about his ability play basketball. This created a void in him, a place of intense conflict where he feels he could beat everyone at the game if he tried a little harder. This anger, fury, revenge, pain becomes a motivation for him to prove that he can do it and silence the haters. He begins to train hard and one day becomes a legendary player. Hence negative emotions can be very powerful. It's like hunger. It makes you do things you wouldn't normally do but the hunger to achieve it makes you mad with passion. Bad experiences are necessary in life because they push us to create or achieve something revolutionary. Other ways include sharing the emotions of a friend, and feeling God's presence in your mind, even meditation . All of this doesn't come without effort. You need to put in practical effort to have a higher zee. -, - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The concept of the swan room where it's all about self worship. It's all about understanding the self and soothing the self and not narcissism. The swan parties. ----------- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - yesterday I was thinking about how we can never get to choose who we become in life how we are born, where we are born, what way we look, our talents or abilities or even mental states so much being influenced by both genetics and upbringing both of which are not really in our control. So no point in blaming someone for their actions because maybe they didn't want to really do it and they didn't want to be who they are. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I also felt like life is much bigger than how we limit it between careers, jobs, people, places, relationships and the daily grind. There is just so much to it. It's like a well that never ends or never has a bottom. When we discover that, we are opening a whole new unseen matrix. Too much mindfuck for now. ----- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chapter 62 I'm dealing with something I can't deal with. Hopefully I will be done for the last time. I tried so hard to break away.

Chapter 61 I have to the conclusion after a lot of insight and contemplation work over the last 2 days that living spiritually is difficult. But there is a meaning to it. Living a spiritual life is to live a sacred life. To treat the body as a sacred temple. To view life as if it were something sacred. To look at life as journey from birth to death to the afterlife, to consider this as a journey of the soul from the physical phase or dimension to the spiritual phase or spirit form or state in the afterlife. This journey being like a stopover in the greater scheme of things. But the journey is valuable to the soul. It has transcend this journey called life to reach the afterlife to experience peace. A soul's journey is never complete without experiencing life. Life is just one of the stages in this eternal journey of the soul. It has to experience peace and joy and stability in this journey called life to make a stable peaceful transition to the afterlife where the soul can continue living in peace and never suffer any harm. Thus experiencing great distress and suffering in life is not ideal for the soul. It's not good for its eternal journey. By living a life of suffering and misery and sadness you are not doing any favor to the soul. You are only hurting it. You are hurting its purpose. You are hurting the soul so much that it will almost cease to exist and try to escape life. It willl try to end the chaos by ending life or suicide. This is not a favorable outcome for the soul. The soul desires to survive and live in peace and happiness. The soul will suffer great distress if it cannot experience peace, harmony and happiness in life. This distress is harmful to the soul and its health. The main goal here is that the soul should rest or remain in peace after death. But for that it should have peace and happiness in life and not restlessness and suffering. Whatever the body and mind experience in life is toxic and it is what the soul has to bear through life and that is sad, its the own unique story of the soul and what it had to go through in life. Every soul close to death has a unique story to tell, a story of hurt, pain, suffering, loss, grief, struggles, endurance, love, poverty, tragedies, abuse, hope, triumphs, etc. All this comprises the journey of that soul. This is its unique footprint through life and the world. It's important to protect the soul. To protect it from any kind of harm or damage, little or big. To keep this journey safe and peaceful. The body is a temple of the soul. So it's important to protect the body as well. To maintain it healthy, functioning and vital. But all this does not mean that we should never have any suffering, sadness and pain. Or struggles. Of course we should, only that makes us more human. Experiencing the entire spectrum of human experiences both good and bad and all kinds of human emotions is a very vital part of growth and empathy otherwise we will turn into sociopaths or very unemotional shallow beings incapable of deep emotions and understanding. It takes pain to know pain. You cannot be living a perfectly happy life and never experienced even a single thought or feeling of sadness and expect to be very empathetic towards others. You could show that you care and be sympathetic but that's not the same as actually feeling someone's pain exactly the way they do. It will come if you have been there in some way. If you have never suffered then you will most likely be just blank or indifferent to someone's pain. So ultimately upon it's death, the soul can leave in peace. If the soul suffers too much in the course of life, then even in the afterlife it will be equally vindictive and restless. Human beings think that they can control the environment. What they don't realize is that they are also a part of the same environment that they are trying to destroy.

Chapter 62.

Chapter 60 Seeking Guidance within Seeking God within Connecting to God There are no miracles Loving yourself - its not selfish Enriching your inner self or growing the inner self because the inner self is a spiritual or spirit form. The outer self is physical. Becoming divine Becoming more aware Becoming more connected to the inner self Developing not only the outer self but also the inner self. Giving value to desires Living life fruitfully Seeking happiness Becoming more intuitive Seeking divination Becoming more intelligent and logical Becoming one with nature. Nature worship Becoming more like God or God nature or God like. Understanding that there are 2 sides, one material and the other is spiritual or spirit form, knowing that material is permanent unchangeable but spiritual is changeable. Oneness with all creation. Ego in its extreme form is destructive.