Preety_India

In the end God wins and judgment loses. Truth wins all the time. No narcissist can defeat the truth no matter how hard he or she tries..

Thursday January 3

No damage month

The reason people engage in superficial discussions is because they haven't suffered enough emotionally and they don't have deep experiences or suffering and therefore no empathy or concern. So they become shallow In life you need two things. One is getting baked and cooked through all of the experiences. That is basically experiencing suffering. That molding. Experiencing a wide range of emotions and challenges. Second thing you need is intelligence and empathy and concern. To understand suffering and ways to resolve it. To resolve it you need intelligence and to understand it empathy is needed. The third thing that is needed to understand deeper things in life is transcendence . Having come full circle . Transcending all experiences and emotions and struggles and passions . Narrowing all of them down to * Experiencing suffering and exertion or molding, life experience * Intelligence * Empathy * Transcendence By taking on more emotional stress you are diving into a cesspool of problems and despair.

Substantial amount of effort is needed achieve or see substantial progress.

This entire year was the biggest test of my life, the most stressful period of my existence. Yet I tried and held on through the test. I tried surviving the abuse and pain and frustration. My health took a very dangerous turn because I turned extremely negligent to my body out of desperation. It was a call for help. I was too tired and sick and stressed out and too weak to do anything drastic.. But now it's all over. Thank God. Thank God. Now I can start my life all over again, from scratch. But honestly this is better than being stuck in a doldrum forever. Now I at least have a clearer view of what I need and want and how I should proceed. The road is clear. The fog is gone. The mist of doubts has melted.

This is 31st December night. It's already 1st Jan 2019.. I want to wash away all the dirt of toxic relationships behind and start afresh.. I want a new life, a new way. I'm tired of being called and blamed and pushed and triggered and being made out to be someone I'm not, being called a monster, made to look like a monster, just because I don't stand up too much for myself or because I don't know how to play victim, all of this being thrown at me, I have been through so much stress and I've never been strict with people in my life, I've been targeted, bullied, dominated, harassed, labeled as a psycho, monster, narcissist, toxic person, ugly,, sociopath and I mean what more character assassination is left. I've suffered narcissistic abuse at the hands of a narcissist abuser in a terrible hazardous relationship but I made my final wake up call on December 24 night, a fateful event in my life and a pivotal incident that reminded me of how sick humanity truly is. How terrible people can be to each other. How blame game really ruins everything. How big egoes matter so much over so little. I've had enough of the BS called relationship. This woman by the name Shahida Arabi really helped me understand whatever I was going through in the past few months. I am the victim of narcissistic abuse. He is definitely a very wonderful good man but he is an abuser just like my mom and I'm done with both of them. I highly recommend this book POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi. When I read her articles on the internet and saw her videos, it opened my eyes to the reality of my life this whole year of 2018. 2018 was a total roller-coaster disaster. I went through so much pain sadness and confusion with no fault of mine. I had done nothing wrong yet blamed constantly and put down and treated with absolutely no respect or dignity. There was some affection and love and that's what I was hanging on to, but the fights were taking a toll on me. The insults and bullying and degradation were too much to bear. However better late than never. I'm recovering and hopefully all will be fine now, once and forever. I'm putting all my problems to rest. I don't want any more of this drama in my life. I'm a simple person. All of this drama has made my life too complicated. I will research on healing and recovery from narcissistic abuse and how to thrive in life. I am starting my journey towards emotional healing once and for all. I need to figure out not life but how to thrive in life. I have pretty much figured it all out already in this little journal that I've been keeping for months but there is still some figuring out to do and no knowledge is ever complete, life is always full of twists and surprises and there is always more to learn along the way in life. The only requirement is enough fuel and the ability to not go bust by any curve balls thrown at you, that is, the capacity to survive, thrive and sustain and rejuvenate through all of the terrible experiences and learning that life will throw at you. You just have to be able to survive it all and save enough time to make a good turnaround and start a good new life I'm ready now. Ready player one lol. I'm ready to face life finally after many years of being in confusion, abandonment, childish immaturity and deprivation of every kind. Hopefully this time I won't make silly mistakes again and waste my time. I don't want to... I want to get back my lost years. My lost life I want total mental and physical regeneration. I want to regrow I want to regenerate. I was a small plant that was crushed by life's problems and suffering for very long. Now I want a rebirth and I want to grow again out of hopelessness and despair. I'm ready for a healthy happy life again. I want to show God that I'm a deserving child and that all hope is not lost yet. I know I made mistakes. But they are really not mistakes rather just childish innocence and lack of tact and maturity, lack of basic understanding and sometimes even lack of common sense. Love is truly blind and now I can see how. I see how much blind I was in love. Love makes the world go round. Yea love makes a person crazy. But love is an error, a fallacy, an illusion of the feeble mind looking for emotional satisfaction. I fell in love spontaneously and fell out of it with regrets. Just too many regrets. It's piling up. Time to recheck what's going wrong with me. I have grown out of love. I have realized that true love does not exist and even if it does one has to be extraordinarily fortunate to fully consume and experience it. Much of what is called true love is just a farce and people who throw it out there and market it are just snake oil salesmen in the love business. I don't wanna ever believe in love again. No more being stabbed in the back by my lover. No more betrayals. I'm sad because of what I had to go through. But I'm also happy because at least I won't have to go through it again.. Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice. I have a good intellect. I believe so. But I've been marred by emotional deficiencies.... I have had too much lovelessness in my life. I felt like an orphan growing up. I never got a hug or a single word of appreciation. It killed my soul. I will finally get my life together. I will win it back. I will rise from the dead again. I will try to thrive. I'm a dreamer but sometimes dreaming can clash with reality. Really bad. So bad that the dream turns into a nightmare.

December 31 It's not just the absence of toxicity but also the presence of growth and maintenance, care, sustainenance, rejuvenation regeneration, that is important. Good community is created by good people. A good system is made of good components. A good building is made of strong building blocks. Good people have Good principles Good values Good traits Good qualities Principles integrity, philosophy, mentality, attitude, beliefs, thoughts, Values righteousness, honesty loyalty, intentions, morality Traits politeness, gentle, good tempered, calm, patient, discipline, clean habits Qualities courage endurance, determination, empathy Principle can be right or wrong Qualities can be present or absent. Can be compatible or detrimental Values can be moral or immoral Traits can be desirable or undesirable.

I'm working towards ending this relationship. Hopefully next year will be a good start for a fresh new beginning with new perspectives and goals. The video game saved me from the destructive relationship. Mos and aml

Any reason you have given to yourself to kind of put up with a abusive relationship or just stay in it or refuse to break or be too lazy about it is your death knell. Every such reason is just bullshit. None of it ever works. In the end, you will either break the relationship out of frustration because it will get too suffocating or you might end up in the hospital. But one way or the other its going to be bad. An abusive or toxic relationship can never have a good outcome. Better late than never. The earlier the demise of such a relationship the better. You thinking that it might change and you hoping that things can get better is just an illusion. Also instead of getting better things are only going to get worse. Early signs of a bad relationship means that it's badness or toxicity is only going to escalate. A bad relationship can never turn into something good. If you begin to see signs of discomfort early on or even later midway through the relationship then its given that it's not going to be good. It's like a scientific process like a disease pathology. It will always operate like that unless there are exceptions. A bad person is a bad person. Incompatibility is incompatibility. Nothing can change it. Nothing makes it better. A bad relationship is bound to fail sooner or later It's important to recognize signs of a bad relationship early on. The first signs are abusive behavior, words used, fights, nature of the fights, constant disagreements, toxic nature, disrespect, lack of privacy or space, obsession, control, domination, disruption of daily schedule, getting stressed out or burned out, constantly feeling anxious or the need to please or seek approval, not eating on time, improper or lack of sleep, sleepiness in the day, disruption of work, insomnia, health problems, over eating or comfort eating, weight gain, weight loss, bad eating habits, lack of focus on health, pushing yourself to the edge to please, abusive words or behavior shown, constant criticism or nitpicking, lack of appreciation, pressuring for sex, pressuring for more time or attention even when you are genuinely busy, greedy behavior, lack of concern for your health or needs, lack of concern for how you feel, seldom apologies, not ready to apologize when they should, feeling depressed or deprived of basic affection. comparisons to others, threats, blackmail, emotional blackmail, relationship leaving blackmail, manipulation, bullying, harassment, cheating, secretive or open flirting with the opposite gender, talking or being friends with those that have disrespected or fought with you, lack of understanding, constant talk about the relationship itself, attack on the opposite gender, showing hate for the opposite gender, use of mean language. When any of the signs are seen, it's best to gradually work out a plan to end or escape the relationship step wise and put an end to it before it gets too late. Put an end as soon as possible when your health seems to be in jeopardy or when you realize you seem to be losing out too much because of the relationship. A safe end is a better option because often ending is difficult and sometimes drawn out and sometimes clumsy or messy or very dangerous leading to death threats or stalking or obsession or attack. Ways to end 1 reduce communication 2 silent treatment 3. Reduce texting /calling 4. Direct break up 5. Abruptly end conversations 6. Avoid and ignore as much as possible 7. Escape arguments 8. Switch off devices 9 go on long breaks 10 unexplained absence 11 reduce emotional attachment or feeling. 12 stop caring about what they think 13 do not crave for attention or affection. 14 remind yourself that this person is bad or toxic or not good for you 15 don't go cold turkey. Gradually reduce your emotional passion or feelings or attachments.

Intra abdominal pressure causing pressure on nerves and headache. This is due to improper exhalation.. 2 reasons why people get stuck in toxic relationships. 1... Because they are taught to believe that relationships are life. Otherwise life is barren. 2... Everyone feels a void or emptiness within them. Which means they do not have a life of their own. This does not mean job. It means a fulfilling spiritual and physical life. They don't have something they can attach to. As a result they constantly feel a void within them. And they are in a hurry to fill this void with relationships, most of which are unhealthy unfortunately. The one way to break this cycle is to know that life is much more and way beyond relationships and that relationships are only a part of life. Second way is to fill the void with healthy non living things and not with people or relationships,, i. e relationships. Fill this void by creating a life of your own filled with hobbies, health care, body connection, spirituality, connection to God. Once you have created this little wonderful happy bubble or life of your own, any relationship is just an adjunct or aid to this life. It's more of a side stream than main stream. You will only choose that relationship which supports your way of life. You will no longer be codependent or emotionally deprived or emotionally dependent. You no longer be searching for someone to give you emotional satisfaction. You will look for potential suitors that suit your way of life and conform to your little bubble you created. The life of your own, I'll call it the little bubble This little bubble should consist of the trinity- your spirit, your body and God. Make this bubble stronger every day. Whatever helps you to grow, you should accept it and whatever consumes you, you should block it out.

December 30 Got the bus pass. Returned from trip near 23 night. Sunday night. Swan needs to resume today Grace box new concept. December 24 night I was close to strk. Swan, video games,gym, plants, non living things like books, health focus, body, sequence box, grace box, 4 main things 1 God....develop a functional relationship 2.. Health 3.. Building a life in this world. 4.. Swan... Religion. Stop relying on people. Cut off all socialization, people and relationships. Stop relying on relationships. A grace box is an Indication of that you believe in the grace of God Higher self awareness Daily schedule maintenance to avoid sabotage How to block stress today. DO NOT NEGLECT YOUR HEALTH. Important questions 1 how to block stress today 2 how to better health today 3. How to develop or grow spiritually today. 4 how to connect to God today 5. How to connect to the body today. Human body or health or the worsening of health happens in phases which is why it's very illusory. Feels like nothing until it's severe. Anyone on the path of spirituality or connected to God will not be able to bear the sight of suffering and will try to reduce suffering in the world. In other words will display empathy through actions. Holy trinity - Your spirit/soul(ego as well), your body, and God.

December 28

How to block stress today COPD condition weakening the nervous system. Muscle twitching. CO2 buildup affecting Non living things are better. God is the source of strength and hope. Rely on God. Don't rely on people COPD bloating and Dehydration like dry ice caused by CO2 buildup progressing towards suffocation and nerve damage and weakness. Peripheral neuropathy too. Sleep apnea and breathing exercises to reduce sleep apnea. No hot sun Coconut water to reduce pressure CD for controlled delivery Sweating because heart does not get enough oxygen and increased diastolic pressure Dark urine due to turning of blood due to low oxygen in blood. Juice reduces the swelling at night Mild swelling without wheezing still present. Daily schedule maintenence Extra sensitivity to stress due to CO2 buildup Oxygen demand not met. CO2 not expelled properly and fully. The daily tiredness is because of copd. Mouth breathing is a sign of copd. Mouth breathing can further worsen nose blockage. Nose blockage initially gives rise to mouth breathing. Vicious cycle. Blockage occurs at many points including nose upper portion, palate level, throat, neck, chest or lung tube. Etc. All blockages relieved by steaming, exercise to increase oxygen intake and pillow use and nasal relievers, juice, correctional breathing exercises also known as artificial or skilled breathing. Scoliosis might also be responsible for copd and apnea Steaming for copd relief

December 25 2018 God heals us. God finds a way.

God does two things. Either God shows light in your darkness or God removes you from darkness and gives you freedom. He ends your suffering. Life can be 2 things. Either its a journey between birth and death and into the afterlife or it is the creation of something purposeful, meaningful and beautiful. You can either blossom it into a wonderful creation like a piece of art or you can let it stagnate.in every way, life should always be happy.

December 24 2018 I did my first exercise. This is after a year. It was on a treadmill and a cycle and some yoga. And push ups. Very painful for the first time. My whole leg is swollen... Both legs. They look puffy. My ankle swelling hasn't gone down yet. I've started the exercise right after the Ooty trip that ended yesterday night and today morning I had to be ready for the first day of my workout. It was cruel and painful. But I have to do it. I started gaining weight after the end of the bad relationship. The emotional stress had taken a toll on my mental health. My past history of illnesses did not help either. The combined effect is too much. But I have finally made the resolve - no more bad relationships and no more toxic people in my life. No more mental and emotional stress. No more people trying to destroy my health. My health will be my top priority. New year eve is coming closer. Merry Christmas to those I care about. But I've left Christianity so it doesn't hold much value for me anymore.

December 23 5 am. I woke up at 3am. And I'm feeling numbness and tingling in my right arm and fingers. All my fingers. Not in toes. My fingers are feeling numb and tingling. I'm not feeling okay. I want to return back home.. I want to feel safe. I can't explain what's happening to me but whatever it is it is not good. I'm feeling awful. About my life and the time I spent with my mother and her behavior and consequent need to escape home and find a safer place. I feel helpless. I did well in studies and college. Even at my job. I fell into a very bad relationship this year and I want to forget it forever. Please God help me and help me find a way.

Welcoming 2019 with a positive attitude and a strong resolution to work on problems.

Blood pressure Asthma COPD Build up of CO2 Body heat Thyroid thermo regulation issues Iron deficiency anaemia Vit B deficiency Vit D deficiency Body Dryness Dehydration Weight gain Insulin insensitivity Mild fibromyalgia .. Brain damage Anxiety Depression Emotional distress syndrome Hypersensitivity and mild autism Sensitive to sound, noise, light, stress and crowds. Mild autism makes multi tasking impossible. Sensitive to extra or even average sensory stimulation and sensory load. COPD headaches, weight gain and bloating. COPD numbness in arms and extremisties

December 21 3.39 pm. I'm in Mysore right now. I'm on a trip to Ooty and on the way to it. This is what I see from my car window. I can't read the language. I hope my journey will be safe.

I will have to walk alone and I need to be my own pillar. Because I don't think anyone cares. Non living things help better than living things.

Chapter 142 December 20 If I've come this far, I can go a little further. I can be your best friend for life. I can be a good friend. I give this as a consolation to you for breaking your heart and not being your wife. Not playing the role you wanted me to play. But I can be a great friend. We started out as friends anyway. I have done my share of what I could for you as your miserable girlfriend. But I have learned some pretty big lessons along the way. So Thanks for that. I'm a piece of shit for you. But I'm okay. I've been a great person. And this a fact not narcissism. I'm bold and brave enough to know what narcissism is. I will certainly be a great loyal friend for all life unless you underestimate my power as a person ( as what typical narcissists do), and I will be there to support you in whatever 3rd world way I can. This is a consolatory truce between you and me. I won't fucking bother you anymore. I won't be your so called stalker whatever nonsense you call me. You used my insecurities to hurt me and gave me 3 threats last week , the week before December 12. I'm done. It's more than enough. Nobody deserves to die. You said a bunch of horrible stuff and just like my mom you feel entitled enough to decide on my life and death. No. Only God can be the judge. Not you or anyone or any damn mother just because she is a mother. You do not have the right to decide on my life and nor anyone else. I'm done with your sense of domination and guilt trapping, sympathy seeking, infantilization, trivialization, mockery, bullying, death threats and jail threats, narcissistic abuse, constant one upping, lack of concern for my health or mental state, abuse of my basic rights as a human, humiliation and degradation, sexual degradation, preying on my need for love and affection, egging me on against my family, basically using alienation technique (typical of abusers), guilting me for being with my family, chiding me for every little thing, acting like a super critical judgemental little abusive bitch jumping on my flaws and double downing on me for the silliest transgressions, acting like a victim and villianizing me over nothing, acting like a victim all the time (all covert bullies do that), making me appear like a abusive freak sociopathic monster, showing passive aggressive tactics, showing hate, spite and scorn, and substituting your anger with periods of good behavior when you are in "that mood", I mean your good mood, so when you are happy, you wanna be all nice to me, tell me how beautiful I am and how much you love me and how much you miss me, and then minutes later start the same passive agressive shit. I have to be up in your up moods and down and apologetic in your down moods, I'm tired of your bipolar Rollercoaster. I've had enough. I'm now saying goodbye to you and this is full and final. Now or never. Now on I'm just your friend and you lose all obligations or rights. You can't say shit to me no more.. Take your whiny little ass away and show it to some big bitch who can be nice to you in return. I can't. I am done being nice. Like I said I will be a nice friend. But that's all I can be. I can give you a listening ear and a hug and some support. But only at my convenience not how you want. Not at the cost of my health. But depending on my schedule. I will try to fit you properly into my time table. I showed mercy on you. I hope you will see that. I hope you will see everything and not just what I do. If you want to be ungrateful and ditch me, it's your choice. If you want to be understanding and if you care about me like you say and if you appreciate what I did for you maybe you will not be as ungrateful. I've paid a huge price for falling in love with you. A huge price. I don't deserve this at all. You are ruthless. But I forgive you for putting me through so much unnecessary pain to satisfy your ego. Your fights and abuses have taken a toll on my fragile state of mind. Goodluck with your bs. I deserved none of that. But I'm done for good. I will never look back and I'll never take you back. This day signifies the end of relationships in my life for good. A relationship adds nothing but pain and misery unless it's a very thoughtful kind and wonderful person who truly wants to make a positive difference. Rest is bs.

Chapter 141 Today I've understood the meaning of faith, trust and hope. Have faith in God. Have faith in his grace. Have faith in his providence. He will provide for your needs. I want to see how much of a bastard a person can be. I want to see the level of depravity to convince me that there is no faith in humanity. There are perpetrators and there are bastards. Spectators who can either change the situation because they are in a better place or they can at least hope to change it. But what about sadistic pigs who actually secretly want suffering to continue. They're even worse than perpetrators. They are exploiters. Have faith in God's grace. When I see how others perceive success and how much depravity can exist where there is no dignity, I feel I missed by a long shot and I missed too much and I feel I took a lot of who I was for granted. Just way too much to count. God will provide for all the needs and he is the hope at the end of the tunnel. As long as there is God in this world, there is light, it's not dark yet, so do not give up. Where there is God there's light. Hope and faith and trust Hope is believing that a good outcome is waiting for the future if you wait enough and carry on with your determination. If you keep walking at the end of the tunnel you will see light. Faith is believing in God's power of giving grace and providing for your needs. A fundamental belief that God exists even when everything seems empty. Trust. Trusting God's love and mercy and loyalty to you. God never abandons those who need his help and those who ask his love and trust his care and his magnanimity and compassion. He never let's them down who trusted his love. Because he is not a betrayer, he is not cheap or shallow of his word, he is not empty of power and he is not lacking in grace, and he is not absent of love and kindness. When you.... When you have a toxic person you leave them and replace them with better people.

Chapter 140 God's mercy does not depend on skin color. One more added to the 23 essential needs 24. Rest, peace, comfort, break, peace, space. When you have empathy you want to hear more and judge less. When a person shows two layered behavior, that is something hidden inside and something else on the outside, they are being insincere, disingenuous and not of an innocent heart. Two layered behavior is a sign of a psychopath. When a person shows extreme aggression, anger or frustration or defensive behavior they have suffered abuse or they are suffering some form of emotional distress as a result of past abuse. You will always assume that another person has a sinister reason behind everything they do because you are sinister. What you assume can sometimes be the reflection of who you are. I'm suffering from emotional distress syndrome When you normally grieve, it's just normal, but an aggravating factor can make it 1000 times worse. When you are faced with an intense emotional challenge and you feel like you do something really wrong take God's help. God's help is always there right around the corner. Trust God