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Chapter 212 Taken from a previous chapter "Because life is a complex of 2 things. Like imagine a pipe with a pulpy sheath on the top and the inner core of the pipe made of blazing red hot fluid. And this outer sheath is all the superficial stuff in life, like food, discipline, hygiene, medicine, health, adventure, money, beauty, etc where you don't feel much, it's all about objects and tasks and things. But the inner core is about emotionality, morality, compassion or empathy, spirituality. So life is comprised of these two and these two are mandatory parts of life. You can't remove any part. " The outer core is about physical stuff. The inner core is about spirituality, morality and character, judgment and intelligence, emotionality, compassion or empathy, psychology, neurology.

April 5 Chapter 211 Here we observe a set of different causes of dysfunctional behavior. 1. Emotionality 2. Morality or character 3. Spirituality 4. (Lack of judgment) or Intelligence. Judgement. 5. Mental Health. Psychology (mind), neurology(brain) Apart from physical health, these 5 key factors have to be in alignment for healthy behaviors.

Chapter 210 There can be different sources of wrongful behaviors. A complex or a set 1. Greed and character flaws 2. Exploitation 3. Mental Deviance 4. Mental Instability or insanity 5. Mental sickness 6. Lack of emotional balance 7. Lack of reasoning or decision Making skills. 8. Mal intent or Malevolence.

April 5 Chapter 209 I need to get in touch with a rehab facility to get a hold of my psychological issues. Hopefully things will turn out fine once I seek help.

Chapter 208 April 5 The nature of crime and sin Difference between evil and sin I think sin is more of a consequence than a cause. It is an outcome, an event, a course or a path. It is wrongful but it's not distinctively indicative of intent. One cannot know what caused the person to do such a thing. Hence it could be bad intentions or no intentions to cause harm. I think evil is prolonged and is more about intention, therefore darker than sin. Nature of crime Classification of crime on the basis of intent 1 crime out of selfishness and exploitation Examples When you want the person to be killed so that you can continue to hold power. You want to kill someone so that you can get rid of them and attain your objectives or goals. You have the inner intent that the other person should fail so that you feel like you have eliminated competition You do not want the other person to do better because you see that person as a hindrance so you secretly wish they suffer and are eleminated. You want to exploit someone helpless or poor and abuse them so you feel powerful. You want to exploit them to satisfy your greed. To obtain. And then systematically kill them or get them killed by a hit so that your job is done Verdict Evil and sinful. Mal intent. Malice and malevolence. Evil. Dark. Destructive. 2 crime of psychopathy Examples A husband kills the wife to collect insurance. Premeditation. Greed Killing someone systematically for financial or other goals. Greed. Selfishness and disregard. Lack of empathy Verdict Sinful. Evil. Destructive. 3 crime of shallow values, greed, cheapness and destructive Mal intent. Malevolence Examples Running a scheme that frauds, conspiracy, lack of empathy, passive greed, Very selfish, lack of remorse, complete annihilation, exploitation, malice, absolute disregard, Mal intent, Verdict Very evil, sinful, extremely destructive, satanic. Dark destructive. 4 crime of passion and raw emotions Examples Feeling hurt, pain and betrayal. Feeling extreme anger and hate towards a controller, abuser, a spouse or a person of authority. Feeling a sense of rebellion and helplessness. Wish to release all the hate and pent up rage or pain or hurt on this person by absolute desecration of the person regarded as the object of hate Crime of contempt, passion or derision. Raw intense emotions. Verdict sinful but not necessarily evil, lack of control over emotions, innocence, rebellion, grounds for reformation and change, need help and rehabilitation. 5 crime of jealousy Examples A girl who is jealous of another girl in school decides to kill her and torture her. Abusive tendencies Passionate rage, anger, jealousy, mean intent, not necessarily Mal intent but the clear intent to harm. Sociopathic intent, raw intent to harm, intent to harm for self gratification, abuse for self gratification, thrill kill, sadism, sadistic intent, perturbed mind or perverted or disturbed mental balance, perverted tendencies, deviant mind. Psychological deviance Verdict Sinful, evil, perversion, mental sickness, affliction, deviance, Very destructive. Chaotic. Malignant. Cancerous 6 crime of sociopathy Examples Extreme abuse, sadism. Animalistic A group of teenagey boys set out to kill and abuse a disabled or helpless individual. A gang of men set out to rob a couple and take all their money but also decide to rape the woman. A young man who kills a store keeper over very little money. A man who decides to torture someone younger or helpless because they can feel powerful Violation of civil laws. Abuse of animals. Killing someone for very little benefit or money. Mocking the victims or self gratification from vandalism or destruction of property. Self gratification from torture, abuse, Gang crimes. Crimes committed in gangs as a show of power. Extreme disobedience. Verdict Sinful. Evil. Heinous. Destructive. Mental sickness. Genetic predisposition. No rehabilitation. Elimination or Removal. 7 crime of madness, insanity Examples A young man who goes off on a shooting rampage with no self awareness or understanding of the gravity of the situation. No intention to harm but inability to process wrong from right. Influence of drugs. Maniacal tendencies. Lack of awareness. Ignorance. Lack of a sound mind. Inability to process emotions. Blank mess and blackout. Complete absence of remorse. Mental instability. Verdict Sinful. Not evil. Rehabilitation or Removal. Medical help. 8 crime of stupidity. Examples A man who kills his friend out of fear that he will tell his secrets and he does something instantly. Without using reason. Has no intent to harm but sees killing as an option to cure his problem. Senseless crime. Crime based on hate and temporary rage. Crimes during a standoff between neighbors. Feeling extreme sudden rage or lack of control. Crimes committed on sudden impulse without thinking about consequences. Crimes committed due to inability to withhold frustration and tension or fear or sudden aggression. Verdict Sinful. Not evil. Not destructive. No Mal intent. Rehabilitation. Reformation.

Chapter 207 I am so intrigued by the supernatural. I believe in it. I think the life we lead has a purpose and meaning. I think eternity exists. And eternity is the phase where we experience a beautiful relationship with God, his company and love and peace. Eternity is like paradise. We live and I think after death we enter this realm of eternity where we can be one with God. Here we remain protected from all the problems of life since life ceases in this phase. And the life we lead should be wonderful and sacred but that's not the reality. In reality we struggle and suffer and often over nothing. I have begun to feel that life is an enemy of death and eternity. It prevents us from experiencing the wonderful live in eternity. The world is against it. The world is an enemy of peace. So life will always be unfair because it's an enemy of eternity and eternity is full of love and peace. But we have to make it through this unfair life and live in the company of God and live a life of simplicity and be morally clean, honest and be ready to find that reward of happiness and love waiting on the other side. But being sinful will make us agitated and prevent us from experiencing the love that eternity offers.

Chapter 206 April 4 You can take something perfect and just destroy it and reduce it to nothing. Or you could take something imperfect and turn it into a very valuable asset. It's all about intentions. The clay of physical reality can be molded into anything that your mind wants. This is the basis of intention and outcome. The outcome will forever be beautiful if the intention is right Anything that is abused and taken for granted degenerates over time You don't have to feel bad that you are not perfect because even the most perfect people in the world make mistakes and degrade over time. It's not like if you are perfect you have hit the jackpot. Nothing is decided. Everything is fate. To think that perfection would have been this ultimate ticket to a better life is just wishful thinking. Things don't work that way. Focus only on what good can be created. Rest is just a thought of what would have been could have been. And life is paradoxical. Because people who don't have it wish they had it and people who have it waste it. In effect everything good or bad cancels out and comes to equality. It is life's way of doing justice. Its all about intentions, character and outcome.. There is nothing to be jealous of absolute perfection. Because when you have something you have the fear of losing it. When you don't have something you are desperate to have it.. The best state to be in is a state of rest fulness. In this restfulness state, everything is calm and beautiful. You become neutral, more like an object rather than a person. The narcissism disappears. This state is more important. In this state, it's nothingness, and nothing matters, good or bad. You don't even think much about yourself. You think about what can be done. You think more about the art rather than the artist. Its like you look beautiful and you still don't do makeup. You hardly care about anything. You become selfless. You care about doing things.. Taking care of others, let's say animals. You don't stand out, rather you become one with the whole creation.. There is so much humility in you. You are focused more on what good you can do. You become very matured and very selfless. You reach a different plane. You are more worried about bigger things in life than yourself. This is where you graduate from self centeredness towards oneness with creation. You become one with universal love. You might think of this as flower child philosophy. But it's really the truth of existence. One person's life is not worth the whole ecosystem's existence. The whole system has to flourish. And when you have that kind of empathy in yourself, you begin to serve a broader purpose, extended towards others and eventually you feel that love and you create brotherly love like a sense of community love and when such a community love exists, all competitiveness and jealousy disappears. The love overcomes jealousy,hate, self centeredness,narcissism, self righteousness, and you begin to feel an enormous feeling of joy and happiness and warmth and love and suddenly it doesn't even matter whatever imperfections you have because you only think about how much you can contribute rather than receive. You become a giver rather than a receiver. You become like God. Its a state where all your negativity has seeped away and you feel a tremendous sense of calm, peace and maturity. You don't even have one percent of jealousy or hate or anger or envy or passion. Because all you want to do is give. You become extremely empathetic. That ego disappears. You try to see what purpose you can serve and how you can give better. You are only focused on your duty and purpose, not on yourself anymore. You just start to use yourself out. It's the highest point of maturity and intelligence. And of course love. Everything becomes immaterial when you feel that much love. You feel like even if you suffered or lost something or gained something it doesn't matter. All things begin to appear small and irrelevant. Everything appears very superficial and pointless. You are able to let go a lot of what you were always holding back as very important. You will start to focus on bigger things. The possessiveness goes away. You will be much less affected by anything that is concerning yourself. You will not be affected by your imperfections or perfections. You will have the "it doesn't matter" attitude. You will feel more free. Thoughts about yourself will not bug you anymore. You won't feel consumed the way you used to feel once.

He called me again and said hurtful things to me. I am so tired of being made the bad person that I'm not. This emotional abuse I'm tired of it. I broke up with him. I am done with him. He just hurts me.

I should just say be damned to everything.., ???? I might get damnesia lol.

Chapter 205 April 1 I am beginning to find a better ground, something where I can operate from. I can build from here. It's a fresh beginning. Feels better already.. I want to focus on the material side of life. At the same time I consider life as sacred. So I also want to focus on the spiritual aspects of life. The first thing I'm going to do after a long haitus is focus on God and God's presence around me. Like living with God and living in God. That's such a positive way to begin things. I always needed time away from all the chaos and a space of peace and love. When you feel like God is right there with you, it's very healing and peaceful and loving and positive. Positivity fills your spirit and makes you feel motivated to make things better. I'm focusing on thriving. Becoming a better healthier active person. Also feeling happier and closer to God every day, living in a spiritual plane. The devil can touch me no more. The trail of destruction needs to stop. The downward spiral needs to stop. I have to come back, grow from the ashes, be that underdog and create a beautiful future. I made mistakes and poor choices. I suffered. But no more. I have learned so much and I'm so much better now than before. I am a different person today. I want my life to work out. I want to thrive and flourish. I don't want to be stagnant. I want to exist in a thriving environment. I want to develop into a wonderful person. I want my life back on track and a wonderful fulfilling life. A real fulfilling life. And it seems like that life is on the way,. It will come to me eventually. It's just around the corner. I need to be upbeat and work towards it. My religion helps me a lot. I have my goals list ready. I need to fix my focus on my goals. And I need to take huge chunks of time from my life and use those chunks to achieve those goals. And I will do it. Yes I will. I'm ambitious. I will make it happen. At last things will fall in order in my life, not perfect order but a stable peaceful order. I need stability and a conducive environment that helps a person to thrive physically and mentally Wow finally things are happening and they seem positive. The future does not look as bleek and frustrating as it once did. It seems the good days will be coming. I'm glad I ended the relationship

So yea. I have been focusing on some crime cases recently and there is this one case that has got me totally intrigued. It's the case of Lori Soares Hacking. She was of Portuguese decent. Young funny smart successful woman who was murdered by her deceptive husband Mark who is a white guy. I just accidentally came upon it and there's not much information on this case anywhere. I find it strange that nobody cared to make a documentary on it like 48 hours. So what really caught my attention was this woman's smile. Her persona. Her smile, expression, totally pure and compassionate look in her eyes. Her aura is so positive. She appears like a person with deep empathy and maturity and care for others. Almost God like quality to her facial expressions. I was instantly taken aback because very few people catch my attention the way she did. It was something about her that just stood out. Her Positivity and warmth was so palpable . I was touched. And I cried feeling sorry for what she was put through. That was the first time that I actually cried so bad for a person who I don't even know. But just goes to show how people can touch each other without even being there physically. You can feel their positive energy coming through them. I found this limited stuff on her.

My new favorite channel is coast to coast AM. Feels nostalgic.

Chapter 203 April 1 So yesterday I had been reflecting on life. And I came to 2 conclusions or concepts or insights 1. One is that you have to be in tune with the material and the spiritual side. That is, you have to keep a balance between both. That is follow principles of both material and spiritual growth. You have to progress in both lanes. You have to live a wholesome life. That is blending both material and spiritual growth. You have to ensure that you progress on both levels. It's like becoming an all round student good at everything. It shouldn't be mutually exclusive. It's like a lot of people make this mistake is that they embark on a spiritual journey and they totally forget friends, family, marriage, work, career, even health like these things do not matter. I think of it as toxic. It's like madness. It doesn't have to be like that. You can be successful at your work, fulfilled in your marriage, and still practice the spiritual path. It doesn't have to be one or the other. It should be both. You have to live a good life but also a wholesome life. Which is rich both materially and spiritually. The outer part of life (sheath) is material and it is also important. The inner part of life(red core) is spiritual and it is important as well. So you have to excel at both. 2. Thrive. Thriving in life. That is doing better and better every day. Growing, reaching your fullest potential physically and spiritually.

Chapter 203 April 1, 2019 Yesterday I had been watching a few crime cases on YouTube. And some of them really touched my heart so deep. There was this case of Chris watts and Shannan Watts. It has touched so many people. It's all over the internet. And in one video Shannan talks about thriving. Using thrive in her life and thriving, that is having the energy to do things. I felt like I could relate to that term. The term thrive now means a lot to me. I take it this way. When you are mentally healthy and physically healthy and you are surrounded by cheerful people who care about you and there are no toxic people in your life, you begin to thrive, that is you flourish, your health gets better, you want to work harder you want to fulfill your dreams, you want to progress, you get fitter, you become a better person and you do good in everything and you create beautiful things.. That's when you begin to thrive. And life is all about thriving. And of course one day everyone has to die as it made for them I mean we alll die some day, but till then we can always create good things, and leave happy memories and create beautiful times and do something fruitful and live a life of no regrets and live fulfilling happy lives. So one way of thriving is to cut out toxic people from life. And the other way of thriving is to live in a mentally and physically healthy place. A mentally and physically healthy environment.

Chapter 202 Imagining how I would feel if I'm with God right now. It would feel very peaceful, like coming closer to death and freedom I am just doing this visualization that God is with me. And I feel awesome. It feels like everything is gonna be okay. It feels like life is all about peace. I feel God's love and comfort all around me. It is similar to the feeling you have when you used to play with kids as a child and how carefree that feeling was. It feels unusually powerful, like everything will be taken care of, like nothing can go wrong. It also feels like a deep loving embrace, no place for hurt or offense or tension or conflict or negativity. Just simple plain peaceful feeling like you are in sleep.. Cozy. You feel motivated to do good things.

*❤️??♥️?? The devil always leaves a trail of destruction in their path.. ??❤️ ???Stop saying bs and slander about someone when you do not know them. ?? ???Stay away from slanderers, bullies, and toxic and negative people. ?? P on 25march

Just because someone is ugly they don't deserve to die or be lonely or be deprived of love and happiness. Where is that written. They should not be deprived of respect and rights. They shouldn't have to face constant humiliation just because they weren't born with the things others were born with. In fact they should deserve more love because they are unfortunate. Where is it written that if someone is incapable, disabled or ugly or not good enough then they should face hate for the rest of their lives. It does not mean that the ones who are desirable should not be praised but it praising desirable ones also means not hating the undesirable. Because it's very narcissistic. It's like loving a child because they are good in your eyes and hating the other kid because they are not good enough in your eyes. That's blatant narcissism and almost abuse of someone's basic humanity or existence. Like putting someone through a dishumanizing experience via discrimination that's nothing but narcissistic abuse. Because who are you to judge if someone should deserve love or not. Why should someone be deserving of mistreated just because they are not fitting your definition of desirability. How is hate towards someone justified just because you think they should be hated. That person who is undesirable does not deserve to be persecuted or feel persecuted every day because they didn't commit a crime. They can live free. Facts are facts but facts don't need to be hammered into someone every day. Because decent good people just don't do that. Nobody deserves to live being told the truth about them every minute of their life. Good people avoid offending someone. Bad people don't. That's the difference. When good decent people realize that something is offensive to someone they would rather not say it. Even though they know it's truth. It's how the "good" behaves. It's only bullies who peddle hate as facts. Obviously they have an intent to hurt because that's what they want to achieve. If their goal wasn't to rile you up, why would they say something that is obvious and something that is obviously offensive.

Chapter 200 March 31 I sometimes feel like I'm autistic in my articulation skills. Anyway I always try my best to formulate clear expressions. The lives we live or lead is a reflection of who we are. So if bad things are happening with people then it means that there are malevolent factors in that society. That is all bad things are happening because of bad people. People cannot suffer so much if everyone is good. Because life is sacred and therefore any way in which you hurt someone directly or in a sophisticated way, it's harm, and harming life is sin. Even if you had to engineer a group of people and train them to live a life or create existence that is devoid of deeper meaning, emotionality, spirituality, morality and this experiment will fail. Because life is very intrinsic. It is not so shallow that you just break it down to superficial things like food and shelter and sex and basic needs. Life is much more complex. This is where the game of life gets tougher. Because those people will have their encounters with karma at some point where they will have to answer and where their morality will be tested. Because life has this component of morality bonded to it and part of it. You cannot live an unemotional neutral life where your conscience is not needed. At some point in your life, your conscience will have to make decisions and you will have to create your own karma. You can't be exempt from judgement. Sophistication does not exempt you from judgement. So even if you're a sophisticated educated salesperson who is very savvy and being smart and deceptive and indifferent to their client's needs, it does not make you any better than the knife carrying thug on the street. You are also doing harm but only in a sophisticated way. This is because good and bad or good and evil is intricately a part of life, it's inescapable. It's mutually exclusive and inevitable Because life is a complex of 2 things. Like imagine a pipe with a pulpy sheath on the top and the inner core of the pipe made of blazing red hot fluid. And this outer sheath is all the superficial stuff in life, like food, discipline, hygiene, medicine, health, adventure, money, beauty, etc where you don't feel much, it's all about objects and tasks and things. But the inner core is about emotionality, morality, compassion or empathy, spirituality. So life is comprised of these two and these two are mandatory parts of life. You can't remove any part. So you cannot live life where you constantly talk about spirituality and you don't even take a shower, like completely out of touch with reality. Also you can't be playing video games while your neighbor is hanged in his apartment. Like you can't live like a robot. Life is a balance between the body and the spirit. It has to be a healthy balance between emotion and physical reality. Between matter and spirit. Between emotionality and common sense. Between morality and superficiality. The final conclusion is that you have to understand this balance and keep everything aligned to the principles of the body and the spirit. You can't compromise on either. You have to live a wholesome life. Since life is sacred, spirituality will always be a part of it. So whatever we do is significant on both material and spiritual levels. So if it is relevant or good on a material level, it is not necessarily good on a spiritual level. Maybe it's toxic on a spiritual level. The material and spiritual clash but they also influence each other intrinsically. So the basic principle is this. There is nothing to figure out. It's not that hard. I mean it shouldn't be. The basic principle is this. Do whatever is proper on a material level. If it is good or pleasant or wonderful on a spiritual level, keep up with that practice. If it is unhealthy on a spiritual or moral level, it needs to be dropped. That way you are making peace with both parts of life. So you are not feeling like you are missing out on the spiritual aspect and also you are not left with a guilty conscience. Fulfill yourself in the material sense but not at the expense of spirituality. And continue with spiritual practices that promote spiritual growth as well as help with material needs or material growth. Do spiritual practices that fulfill you spiritually and also do those that contribute to your material progress.

Time to get super serious and concerned with my business.

So what's on the agenda. I'm going to bring about some really significant changes in my life this point on. I am going to be ultra busy and ultra serious about everything. Because it's now or never. I am seriously going to bring peace and stability and health and healing in my life. That's a firm resolve. And this time there will be no sabotage and no excuses.

March 31 Im fed up with people who are trying to put me in their boxes of perceptions. I'm just not who they are trying to portray me as. I know who I am and I'm pretty sure about who I am. So f with these people. I don't have to give a f. My mom tried for several years to make me look like a lazy person. My ex boyfriend tried to make me look like a killer. An evil person. My current boyfriend tries to make me look like a bit*h. I am just not these. I have done nothing to them. I'm tired of everyone. I better be myself. And this is serious, I think I will have greater peace of mind being with myself, I mean f the world. Who are they to judge. I am such an amazing person and I'm aware of it. This is not boasting oneself. This is my fact. I'm pretty confident. I can do better, way better than all the people who are trying to bring me down

?Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sags, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, love to complete your life.?

Wednesday March 27. The power of goodness changes everything. From good emerges God. Where there is no God, there is hell. Hell continues till the destruction is complete. God compensates for the lack in you. God brings comfort where there is pain. God brings solution where there is a problem. God creates possibility where there is none. God creates opportunity where there is no hope. God carves diamonds out of stones. God gives a gift where there is a deficiency. God fulfills where there is nothingness. God creates greatness out of emptiness. God builds the broken ship and heals the broken heart and recovers the lost soul. God creates fish in the sea. God creates gold out of clay. God has infinite empathy and his lamp burns till eternity. God is goodness, empathy, love, peace, freedom, compassion.

How people with low self esteem behave People with low self esteem always take themselves for granted. They place others above themselves. They look at themselves as inferior and lacking and also think they deserve lesser than others. When they get something better they think that others are more deserving of it than them For example, a man who gets a better paying job might think that his juniors or subordinates are better than him and they deserve the position he has more than him. But never think like this. You deserve nothing but the best in the world. Nobody is in charge to decide who is better or who is worse. That's the most narcissistic thing. You deserve all the happiness and all the love, care, attention and support in the world. I came across a video of a terminally ill woman who had low self esteem and thought that she doesn't derseve love since nobody can love her due to her illness. This is absolutely absurd. Even if you are terminally ill or chronically ill or whatever other limitations you have, you still deserve the best and you deserve even more. Take it this way. Let's say you have 2 cats, one is healthy and the other is sick. Who needs more attention from you. Obviously the sick cat needs more of your attention and care. So to think that you don't deserve love is so wrong. You derseve more to heal faster or feel better. Also another behavior commonly observed in people with low self esteem is that they do not reach out for help. For example if they are in a hospital, they think they are a burden on the hospital staff and may be lenient or less inclined to claim benefits or services or ask for help, or get frustrated at themselves if they mess up something, feel apologetic over nothing and or view themselves as a burden on others who are supposed to serve them. Such people are hesitant in claiming their own rights. Know that there is nothing wrong in claiming your benefits and rights and you fully deserve it and that you are not a burden on the system. Those who are supposed to give you service, they should do their job.. And you have to demand it because it's your right.