Preety_India

@Lubomir thank you. I'm glad I got the support I needed thank you brother. I will start my healing journey again. Peace again ✌️

Broke up with him an hour ago. And it hurts too much. The most painful feeling. I cried. But it's ok. I can manage. I need healing I will try..

I broke up with him an hour ago. It hurts like hell

Yes it can be very damaging. Therefore one has to be fully equipped before one makes the decision to enter into a relationship and be very careful right from the start. I came to know much later in the relationship what narcissistic abuse really was. I didn't have any clue about it before. Now that I know a lot about it from some research that I did, I am fully ready to leave the relationship and throw it out and start the healing process. My weight gain was also a side effect of constantly feeling depressed as a result of being targeted in the relationship. The good news is that I have realized that it's important for me to finally let go, the initial months will be tough because breakup also has a negative impact on the psyche and therefore I want to break it in a way so I don't end up going back like I did the last time. I'm fully mentally prepared to let him go and start the healing. The emotional bonding is hard to break easily so I will have to work on it step by step. But I'm glad that it will be over finally and I will be free and happy again.

@Annoynymous bpd or borderline disorder is slightly different and it involves using victimhood and using extreme strategies to keep the person in control aka Jodi arias.. My ex was like that.. They usually use suicide to hold you back in the relationship. They have to paint the picture that they can't live without you and that they will extremely damaged if you left them, thus either blackmailing you or playing to get your sympathy. They feel no empathy for the other person's pain or problems and only see themselves as the only one who is getting impacted in every way. They are not necessarily narcissistic but they differ from narcissists in a way that they believe that everything is only about them. They completely disregard the other person's needs or problems or psychological effects and see everything from their own angle Even if they are made to notice how the other person is also suffering either because of them or others, they show a cursory or fake response of concern or seriousness, it's like they are incapable of understanding the seriousness of a situation at all, they act teenagey and lack maturity and understanding and gravity of a situation. They only feel bad when their emotions are getting hurt but fail to acknowledge that the sufferings of the other person are actually bigger than their hurt feelings.. They easily get butt hurt and resort to extreme behaviors to make themselves look good but deep down they are seething with jealousy and insecurity and the need to be constantly given attention and importance in the relationship. They are usually sadistic and don't smile when others are smiling or rejoicing and they are always the victim even when nothing offensive happened. They have to be center of the attention and they feel good only when they are given constant attention.. They try to self deprecate themselves in an effort to win praise or sympathy from people around them.. They cannot take being abandoned and such an action causes them to be aggressive

@Annoynymous Narcissists feed off the low self esteem of the target person They attack and constantly attack the target in order to upgrade their own self worth. It becomes an addictive cycle for them without them being conscious about it. They drain the target emotionally. They manipulate the target initially to make them believe that the Narcissistic individual is the best person for them and they provide a shield of protection and concern for the target. Once they have won favor, they start using covert and then open strategies to constantly gaslight and manipulate the target. A narcissist is usually detected by a bunch of pattern behaviors and some common statements they make are similar to "you are not good enough" "I can do better than you." "you are really dumb." "you are ugly" "I can do better than most" "you are on a short leash" "if you don't like me, it's your loss" "you won't find anyone better than me" "I can easily replace you" "that person does better than you. Maybe I should hire him" "don't believe anyone. I have told you the truth. You are dumb. You can't think for yourself. You can't be trusted." "you will ruin it. Let me do it. You can't handle this." "you are not a good role model" "if I was on the panel, I would win and I would totally own them " They have a God complex. Narcissists are also big time hypocrites. They do something bad and defend it but when you make the same mistakes, they attack you for them. But if they make the same mistakes they expect to be understood or forgiven. One favorite strategy they use is to constantly project on the target the behaviors they themselves engage in. Like creating hypothetical scenarios. For example a narcissist would say, "I know you are a liar," " why would you do that, are you doing this to make me look bad" when in reality they are the ones who are actually lying. They might say something like "are you trying to scam me or rip me off" when in reality they could be the ones who are siphoning your account. Similarly if they are cheating behind your back, they might say "I don't know, maybe you are talking to that person, who else are you flirting with, this is gross, I never thought you would do this"..... You keep defending yourself but they don't listen. They are not ready for a defense. Even if you successfully defended yourself, they are going to downplay instead of being supportive like, "ahh alright, I don't know. I can't trust you still." They always make you look small.. They get massively triggered when challenged and they may ridicule or mock your achievements and downplay your support or good actions. But they wil surely highlight your flaws and magnify your little mistakes and extend them to criminalize you. You can never be a good person in their eyes and they make sure that you are always looking for their validation and permission by keeping a tab on you and controlling your life.. This way they satisfy their need to always have the upper hand in every situation. Plus they pump themselves up and feel good about their inflated personalities. This energy drives them to work towards their goals and they are constantly looking to reward themselves in some way at the expense of the misery of the target. Deep down they are abusive control freaks and when they see a vulnerable person this strategy helps to keep the target feel infantilized and controlled and threatened and totally owned by the Narcissistic owner. They feel power. It's all about having more power and the thrill out of it.. They never let go this power struggle because letting it go is a huge insecurity and fear for them. They don't see security in not having power. So they have to have the final word, the final say, the final decision and the final solution. Other important characteristic of a narcissist is use and throw. They use the target as long as they can and when the purpose is fully served they just dump the target and move on like it was a carousel ride. They don't seem to feel affected by a breakup. It's just another turn in their life. They are very selfish but they know how to guilt the other person to feel terrible and make themselves look like the anointed or martyr.. Targets get attracted to narcissists because of the feeling of short term security and affection and validation they provide. This helps a person who has low self esteem or has previously been abused. Narcissists offer fake support and praise for the target and sympathy for the abuse and make themselves look like the protector or leader there to guide you every step of the way. However this is just a part of their strategy to keep the target in control. Narcissists suffer from delusional disorder. They believe nothing bad can happen and everything will perfectly as their plan

@Serotoninluv Omg!! what should I say. Everything above is reading out like the script of my current relationship. I can't tell how much similar this is to my situation. Ditto! I had been thinking the same thing. That the relationship and the person is not 100% bad or unhealthy. Only a small portion is beautiful. Overall it's very unhealthy. The relationship is holding me back too. When I had disappeared for 10 days I did miss his intimacy but I also felt free, liberated and back on my track in my life. For the time being I am not able to take care of myself the way I would have liked. And most of it has got to do with all the fuss and antics he does that takes up all the time and space in the day. I guess a good way of testing the health of a relationship is to just see how you do with and without that person in your life. If you are doing well without that person then you are better off alone, normally in a wonderful healthy relationship you would do better with that person than without that person. Because a wonderful relationship helps you grow in the maximum possible way with a few hassles here and there. But like you said an unhealthy relationship holds you back and you don't realize how much it's holding you back until you are actually free from that person's hold. That's what I'll be experiencing too. I'm looking forward to a very much single life as long as I can remain single. There are so many things worth doing in life than being stuck in endlessly hopeless relationships.

@Serotoninluv he does use aggression tactics when I try to maintain a distance from him. And of course gaslighting like I won't find a better person than him yaada yaada.. But I won't fall for it. I will get over it. I just need to use alienation to get away and dissolve the emotional bonding.

@Preety_India the guy I'm dating is an American white guy who is also a catholic. But he is not educated and I am much better than him in terms of education at least. I think a lot of his machismo comes from his looks. But I think an educated Indian guy would be a far better match. I will be looking forward to a more educated man to be connected with because they bring respect and commitment and understanding and maturity in a relationship or marriage. So Yea I made a mistake thinking that simply being American makes a person more civilized. That's not the case. And the idea in my mind that every white man is a good man needs to be cast out. It's a cultural prejudice I held for a long time. Any man can be respectful irrespective of his culture/race.

Focus is primary Time is short and momentary Story ends in the cemetery

I'm planning to make my own focus cards

I want to feel more confident and responsible from now on. I have a lot to work on. Today is the start. I need to keep the date in mind. November 11

@CreamCat you are right.

Yep. And self confidence and strength/courage. Looks are a bonus but not necessary.

@Serotoninluv you are right about it. He is that narct/bpd. And I will get help in breaking up

It's not that an alpha male is an automatically bad man just because he is alpha. That's a myth. Maybe this myth helps beta males feel better. My first boyfriend was an alpha male. He was good at almost everything from looks to social status to winning women. You say it he got it. But I broke up with him because there was no affection only sex. He was like a super alpha who didn't care about anything except primal needs. But that didn't help me at all. Wasn't helping my growth. So I had to let him go. My next boyfriend was a beta male and I know maybe you hate to hear this but this was my most awful relationship because he was good in the beginning at impressing me and he was not aggressive but I had nothing to learn from him. It was like dating a statue. He wasn't good looking but it didn't matter to me. Yet his insecurities and I was making more than him in my job, so he resented it and was jealous that my social status was above his and that caused him to vehemently take covert swipes at me and show passive aggression. His constant victim mentality got too much to the point that it turned hostile and merciless and he would just keep lamenting and bugging me. Full on harassment. He didn't threaten me but his own fear, jealousy and insecurity that I might do better than him caused him to act distant and testy with me. I gave up and broke up with him because there was no point. He lacked confidence which means he never had the power to talk about family, marriage or living together or making things happen. Always evasive, running away from shit like a pussy. I wasn't proud. I couldn't get his cooperation to start a family.. At last he bailed out because he couldn't get anything done. He insecurity meant he had to disagree just to disagree. I left him. My current boyfriend is also an alpha but way better than the first alpha boyfriend I had. Because I learned almost everything from this guy. He taught me so much, from politics to religion to social dynamics, not that I can't learn on my own, but his audacity helped me overcome my weaknesses. He was like a pillar during my tough times. He is obviously good looking, 10 out of 10 on looks, love and romance. I didn't love him just like that. A relationship is not always all bad, although it does get toxic. But I emerged a matured woman in this relationship more than any other I had before. I learned nothing with the beta guy, absolute zero and it wasn't motivating in any way, in fact it was demoralizing. When I was suicidal my boyfriend was the only one who yanked me out of it with his motivational talk and he punished me when I did wrong, in a way he disciplined and grounded me because that toughness is necessary to be serious in life. I didn't love him just for his looks or power, but also for being determined and giving me the strength and discipline when I needed it. Alpha males are good as long as they are good, especially when they are balanced and not abusive. The only bad part is when they get abusive. Not all alpha males are abusive. But they sure as heck have huge amount of self confidence and dependability that a woman can rely on. Plus they are not afraid to commit to marriage. They are more than ready to face challenges of life. I saw my boyfriend going through a lot of challenges in life, things I cannot imagine going through, but seeing him fight it out gave me the motivation that my struggles are nothing compared to his. He has the downside of being abusive and so I will have to leave him eventually. Men who are insecure and lacking in confidence can be extremely difficult to deal with. Not only they lack in looks, power, confidence, they try to compensate their lack by constantly dragging the woman down rather than motivating them using covert passive strategies. Been there done that. A healthy guy is a combination of an alpha male and some balance and sensitivity. And no abuse. In the end I will go for an alpha male or remain single.

Another thing is to not get overwhelmed by duties and responsibilities and distractions and "things that need fixing".... Those can be put off for later. Focus on what's more important right now. Or at least what's important for this week or next week..

After laying out a plan for both physical and spiritual growth, the most important element is "FOCUS" Just pay attention to what needs to be done to fix things and what needs to be done next to create a flow, a pattern or a sequence or an order

I think I am more sensitive and empathetic. But it usually winds me up with people who drain me with their needs. I need to focus more on self care. It's not a cultural thing, it's only me looking for love and not realizing that it can be a big trap. I get attached really quick and then it's difficult to let go. But experience is a great teacher. So I think I will eventually learn to be able to feel emotionally strong and independent and resilient enough to cough out a "no" and not feel guilty for that. A part of my psychology that I'm dealing with is the fear of offending someone which is huge. I am working on that part where I can freely offend someone when I feel they are encroaching my space. I was raised in a strict catholic school where the first thing I was taught was to receive everyone with grace and be very kind and helpful and never hurt. But the disadvantages of kind behavior are overlooked a lot. He played a lot on my sympathetic side. I'm aware of that. Another part of my psychology is that I was conditioned to believe that anything related to self care is selfish. My ex used to do that a lot. If I told him that I had to eat or sleep, he would say that I'm being selfish which is crazy. But it's time for me to start out on a clean slate and make up for all the emotional loss. I need to break the unhealthy relationship and not get into anymore relationships until they are really healthy and help with my physical and spiritual growth. Like Leo said, I shouldn't allow my feelings to cloud my wisdom and better be single than be in dead end relationship. I think they say that you should swallow your pride if you want to ask for help, in a similar way I need to learn to swallow guilt in order to carve a new path for myself. If he feels that I let him down or disappointed him like he always says, I think I should not worry what he thinks and maybe start worrying a little more about myself. I am human too and my needs are also important whether he gets it or not.

@remember he is a hyper emotional guy so there was that part that drew me in. But he is too self righteous and I think long term he is only going to do more damage to me. I don't see any impact on him of this relationship. It's only me because I don't do the attacking. I'm always supporting him emotionally. We aren't living together. But we have plans to get married in a few months. But I want to keep marriage on hold because the state of the relationship is not very pleasant for me to go ahead with marriage. I'm already unhappy in the relationship because I don't think he plans to change. And he does whatever suits his needs. He does want me to get married to him and he has been pressing me for that for quite some time now. But I'm worried about our future together. Whenever I want to have a frank conversation with him, he usually quits by saying that he is busy and he has things to care of. So I'm mostly ignored. I don't see myself happily married to him in the future. It seems like his needs are supreme and I won't have any space left in the relationship. Every conversation is always about him and his issues and needs. He is a bit alpha and he does seem to take pride in his looks and achievements. But he is also emotional and sensitive, but not sensitive enough to give air to my concerns. He tells me how easily he can get any woman he wants. But I fell in love with him not for his looks or his alpha nature but because he shared similar childhood trauma as me. So we connected through our deeper problems. He does seem to be kind at times and was supportive when I was going through a rough time with my family. But he is also egotistical and flips out a lot which gets very unbearable. So if I do get married to him, I see myself as a supportive doormat wife who has to do whatever he says and be by his side completely neglecting my own needs for affection, love and support. I have my own ego. I want a life for myself where I can have my own space. Like last week he told me how I should not read certain books or not watch a movie or video. In the past if I had male friends he would get angry so I cut off all male friends from my life to make him feel more secure. It seems like my life needs to be tailored to his needs and he easily gets upset if I'm not available to offer him support whenever he needs. He does randomly beat the shit out of people if he gets angry at them. I mean at least he does talk about how he would love to beat up someone if they gave him a hard time or came at him. He has been to jail for threatening to kill a guy who he had a fight with. But he told me that it was a false arrest. That he never meant to do it and that guy lied and got him in trouble. He tells me how other men envy him and that he can do way better than most. He tells me that I'm not very smart. But he loves my kindness. But I'm getting a bit used to his taunts and it gets old. I don't see myself in the role of his wife, his ego is huge and my emotional nature is fragile. I would have desperately wanted to be his wife because we shared a wonderful sexual and romantic chemistry. We were like lovebirds inseparable at least for some time. But now the romance has faded. Part of my weight gain was because he taunted me so much and constantly made me insecure by telling me he will end the relationship during every argument. That messed me emotionally. Because I'm sensitive and loyal and his words are quite harsh. I get despondent at the mention of a breakup. Any disagreement even the slightest and he flies into a rage or heckling me till I succumb and cave in and finally agree. I disappeared for 10 days and he tracked me somehow through his friends and he was absolutely furious. This was after his jail because I wasn't able to handle his jail arrest. He told me that I had betrayed him by abruptly disappearing but that wasn't the case, I was just mentally messed up and anxious. He was so furious that he slammed his wrist on a table and went on an incoherent loud verbal rant declaring his love for me. I was scared for his life, that he might do some self-harm so I went back to him. He used that incident a lot against me. His anger seems to have dissipated after he was evicted many times wherever he rented. He is now learning to not let the anger get the better of him. But I do have my inner doubts especially about his manic anger issues. He might lock me out of the house, I don't know, I can't be sure what he might do in the future. But he does promise that he will never hurt me. If I decide and go ahead and marry him, it will be like taking a bet on my life. Because I should be fully prepared to face any consequences, even life threatening. That's what bugs me. I'm not willing to put my life at stake in the name of love. I'm a spiritual person. I'm forgiving. I have a big heart. But would I deserve to suffer so much just because I decided to give him my all. When he threatened me with jail, I got very anxious about our future together. These are not things you say in fun or just to hurt the person during an argument. Such statements can be serious. I didn't do anything criminal in my life to deserve jail time. He said it to get at me.. During one time he sent me a note of my picture with "go kill yourself" scribbled on it. And laughed about it later. If I want to forgive i can forgive everything. But the question is how much is too much. These days the constant worry in my head is, what if he writes up a false report on me and gets me in jail just to get at me and make me suffer. I brought up my concerns to him and he said he would never do it. I can never know when he is serious and when he is joking. In a nutshell my fears are legitimate. He has guilted me often back into the relationship. So I have to justify breaking up with him because I get guilty every time I decide to leave. I don't think it's healthy. The love and romance is brilliant and his affection and attachment is enticing and comforting but is all the risk worth it. I just want a peaceful life not some romantic adventure. So I really want to think things through.

Whenever I give him a negative response or reaction out of provocation, he mocks and ridicules me like he enjoyed it. One day I confronted him about it and he said it's word ammunition. But I told him it hurts. He doesn't care about my well-being at all. In fact I'm the one who cares a lot about him and he relies me for emotional support whenever he is having a tough time and that happens almost alternate day. I always think that it's my duty to support him but I have been drained by only giving affection yet not receiving any. He won't even be grateful. Mostly at the end of our conversations he abruptly leaves saying he is busy so I am only used when he needs me. If I protest about his behavior, he says he can find better women. I have begun to confront him more often now but it doesn't help. And he apologizes when I disappear for longer periods and begs me to come back which pulls me back to him I tried breaking off several times but he gets very persuasive. I feel that in the end I will be left too heartbroken because he has been constantly hinting that I'm on thin ice. I get the feeling that he will ditch me. I'm working on my self esteem but having loved him so deeply makes it very hard to face an eventual breakup so I try whatever to save the relationship but it has taken me to the edge of my life.

@Serotoninluv he exactly told me what you wrote in quote. He told me I'm being overly sensitive and that this is how men are and he told me that he is telling me the truth and said if I can't handle it then I am a child.

I just needed love and acceptance in life. I have come to realize that that's all I needed. That will set me free. I have understood that the root cause of evil is abuse. Lying, stealing, cheating, craving, everything comes from a relationship of fear, demonization,deprivation, dismissal, judgement, violence, abuse, punishment, threats, humiliation, shaming etc.. A good person becomes bad when they are exposed to fear. God protect me from evil and sin Weird and neurotic behaviors are also a result of narcissistic abuse The weird behavior was a coping mechanism to the narcissistic abuse. I want to talk about this emptiness syndrome. A psychological dissonance. Like if I come back from work, I don't feel happy at all, I feel very empty, like there is nothing fulfilling about success, money, power, status, fame like these are just artificial elements inserted into the life that don't make it full. It's a spiritual emptiness. You feel like these are not relevant. And on top of it, you feel like they are a waste of time, and also a distraction to your spiritual objective and therefore you feel like you are constantly missing out on something while you are in that rat race and while you are in it, the frustration only grows. We all have a child within us that wants to be free, wants to experience Bliss, some candy, we all want that freedom, that purity, that innocence that liberation and unconditional comforting love. That peace that acceptance. I'm looking for the following things ?Happiness ?Healing ?Security ?Peace ?Unconditional love ?Acceptance ?Fulfillment and purpose ?Comfortable growing space and not a toxic space I was thinking about the next concept which is the most important thing to me. This concept is about life. It's about how there are major complexes that are important to be considered. One thing I noted is that life is the experience of both physical and spiritual. After death spiritual is not relevant and physical does not exist. So only life is important. In life its the Fusion of both physical and spiritual and this is the only chance to experience it. The complexes are Socio-psycho-biology complex Psycho-biology complex Psycho-emotional-mental-spiritual complex Psycho-emotional-mental complex I will call these energy molecules or energy pathways. Development of all these complex or pathways is important. Now the spirit has a disposition but this disposition is also impacted by the Psycho-emotional-mental complex. Now life consists of aspects The psycho-biological and the emotional-mental-biological and psycho-emotional-mental-spiritual complex and Socio-psycho-biology complex. And psycho-emotional-mental aspect. In spiritual there are 2 psycho-emotional-mental-spiritual complex psycho-emotional-mental complex In physical there are 3 psycho-biological complex Socio-psycho-biology complex emotional-mental-biological complex If you don't water a plant then the plant will die. Therefore only spiritual aspect is not the only important aspect, it's also the physical or biological aspect that should be considered. But if you forget the spiritual aspect there are problems like depression and mental illness and degradation of the spirit. Therefore both need to be considered. You have a physical journey as well as a spiritual journey. The term engineering. This term has a special meaning. Every word, statement, action you make or do should be engineered lifeward. Different types of abuse Mental - cursing, name calling Emotional - mocking at emotions, passive aggressive tactics Physical - violence and slaving many hours Psychological - changing their natural perception about something by gaslighting. Like telling a wife that cheating is okay and she shouldn't bother Spiritual - making a person believe they wil go to hell if they didn't do so and so. Extortion. Making a person do evil or encouraging a person to be evil. Provoking a person to evil

@Arcangelo I don't even know what you mean.

He is all about convenience and greed. Convenient morality Extremely self serving