Preety_India

@remember he is a hyper emotional guy so there was that part that drew me in. But he is too self righteous and I think long term he is only going to do more damage to me. I don't see any impact on him of this relationship. It's only me because I don't do the attacking. I'm always supporting him emotionally. We aren't living together. But we have plans to get married in a few months. But I want to keep marriage on hold because the state of the relationship is not very pleasant for me to go ahead with marriage. I'm already unhappy in the relationship because I don't think he plans to change. And he does whatever suits his needs. He does want me to get married to him and he has been pressing me for that for quite some time now. But I'm worried about our future together. Whenever I want to have a frank conversation with him, he usually quits by saying that he is busy and he has things to care of. So I'm mostly ignored. I don't see myself happily married to him in the future. It seems like his needs are supreme and I won't have any space left in the relationship. Every conversation is always about him and his issues and needs. He is a bit alpha and he does seem to take pride in his looks and achievements. But he is also emotional and sensitive, but not sensitive enough to give air to my concerns. He tells me how easily he can get any woman he wants. But I fell in love with him not for his looks or his alpha nature but because he shared similar childhood trauma as me. So we connected through our deeper problems. He does seem to be kind at times and was supportive when I was going through a rough time with my family. But he is also egotistical and flips out a lot which gets very unbearable. So if I do get married to him, I see myself as a supportive doormat wife who has to do whatever he says and be by his side completely neglecting my own needs for affection, love and support. I have my own ego. I want a life for myself where I can have my own space. Like last week he told me how I should not read certain books or not watch a movie or video. In the past if I had male friends he would get angry so I cut off all male friends from my life to make him feel more secure. It seems like my life needs to be tailored to his needs and he easily gets upset if I'm not available to offer him support whenever he needs. He does randomly beat the shit out of people if he gets angry at them. I mean at least he does talk about how he would love to beat up someone if they gave him a hard time or came at him. He has been to jail for threatening to kill a guy who he had a fight with. But he told me that it was a false arrest. That he never meant to do it and that guy lied and got him in trouble. He tells me how other men envy him and that he can do way better than most. He tells me that I'm not very smart. But he loves my kindness. But I'm getting a bit used to his taunts and it gets old. I don't see myself in the role of his wife, his ego is huge and my emotional nature is fragile. I would have desperately wanted to be his wife because we shared a wonderful sexual and romantic chemistry. We were like lovebirds inseparable at least for some time. But now the romance has faded. Part of my weight gain was because he taunted me so much and constantly made me insecure by telling me he will end the relationship during every argument. That messed me emotionally. Because I'm sensitive and loyal and his words are quite harsh. I get despondent at the mention of a breakup. Any disagreement even the slightest and he flies into a rage or heckling me till I succumb and cave in and finally agree. I disappeared for 10 days and he tracked me somehow through his friends and he was absolutely furious. This was after his jail because I wasn't able to handle his jail arrest. He told me that I had betrayed him by abruptly disappearing but that wasn't the case, I was just mentally messed up and anxious. He was so furious that he slammed his wrist on a table and went on an incoherent loud verbal rant declaring his love for me. I was scared for his life, that he might do some self-harm so I went back to him. He used that incident a lot against me. His anger seems to have dissipated after he was evicted many times wherever he rented. He is now learning to not let the anger get the better of him. But I do have my inner doubts especially about his manic anger issues. He might lock me out of the house, I don't know, I can't be sure what he might do in the future. But he does promise that he will never hurt me. If I decide and go ahead and marry him, it will be like taking a bet on my life. Because I should be fully prepared to face any consequences, even life threatening. That's what bugs me. I'm not willing to put my life at stake in the name of love. I'm a spiritual person. I'm forgiving. I have a big heart. But would I deserve to suffer so much just because I decided to give him my all. When he threatened me with jail, I got very anxious about our future together. These are not things you say in fun or just to hurt the person during an argument. Such statements can be serious. I didn't do anything criminal in my life to deserve jail time. He said it to get at me.. During one time he sent me a note of my picture with "go kill yourself" scribbled on it. And laughed about it later. If I want to forgive i can forgive everything. But the question is how much is too much. These days the constant worry in my head is, what if he writes up a false report on me and gets me in jail just to get at me and make me suffer. I brought up my concerns to him and he said he would never do it. I can never know when he is serious and when he is joking. In a nutshell my fears are legitimate. He has guilted me often back into the relationship. So I have to justify breaking up with him because I get guilty every time I decide to leave. I don't think it's healthy. The love and romance is brilliant and his affection and attachment is enticing and comforting but is all the risk worth it. I just want a peaceful life not some romantic adventure. So I really want to think things through.

Whenever I give him a negative response or reaction out of provocation, he mocks and ridicules me like he enjoyed it. One day I confronted him about it and he said it's word ammunition. But I told him it hurts. He doesn't care about my well-being at all. In fact I'm the one who cares a lot about him and he relies me for emotional support whenever he is having a tough time and that happens almost alternate day. I always think that it's my duty to support him but I have been drained by only giving affection yet not receiving any. He won't even be grateful. Mostly at the end of our conversations he abruptly leaves saying he is busy so I am only used when he needs me. If I protest about his behavior, he says he can find better women. I have begun to confront him more often now but it doesn't help. And he apologizes when I disappear for longer periods and begs me to come back which pulls me back to him I tried breaking off several times but he gets very persuasive. I feel that in the end I will be left too heartbroken because he has been constantly hinting that I'm on thin ice. I get the feeling that he will ditch me. I'm working on my self esteem but having loved him so deeply makes it very hard to face an eventual breakup so I try whatever to save the relationship but it has taken me to the edge of my life.

@Serotoninluv he exactly told me what you wrote in quote. He told me I'm being overly sensitive and that this is how men are and he told me that he is telling me the truth and said if I can't handle it then I am a child.

I just needed love and acceptance in life. I have come to realize that that's all I needed. That will set me free. I have understood that the root cause of evil is abuse. Lying, stealing, cheating, craving, everything comes from a relationship of fear, demonization,deprivation, dismissal, judgement, violence, abuse, punishment, threats, humiliation, shaming etc.. A good person becomes bad when they are exposed to fear. God protect me from evil and sin Weird and neurotic behaviors are also a result of narcissistic abuse The weird behavior was a coping mechanism to the narcissistic abuse. I want to talk about this emptiness syndrome. A psychological dissonance. Like if I come back from work, I don't feel happy at all, I feel very empty, like there is nothing fulfilling about success, money, power, status, fame like these are just artificial elements inserted into the life that don't make it full. It's a spiritual emptiness. You feel like these are not relevant. And on top of it, you feel like they are a waste of time, and also a distraction to your spiritual objective and therefore you feel like you are constantly missing out on something while you are in that rat race and while you are in it, the frustration only grows. We all have a child within us that wants to be free, wants to experience Bliss, some candy, we all want that freedom, that purity, that innocence that liberation and unconditional comforting love. That peace that acceptance. I'm looking for the following things ?Happiness ?Healing ?Security ?Peace ?Unconditional love ?Acceptance ?Fulfillment and purpose ?Comfortable growing space and not a toxic space I was thinking about the next concept which is the most important thing to me. This concept is about life. It's about how there are major complexes that are important to be considered. One thing I noted is that life is the experience of both physical and spiritual. After death spiritual is not relevant and physical does not exist. So only life is important. In life its the Fusion of both physical and spiritual and this is the only chance to experience it. The complexes are Socio-psycho-biology complex Psycho-biology complex Psycho-emotional-mental-spiritual complex Psycho-emotional-mental complex I will call these energy molecules or energy pathways. Development of all these complex or pathways is important. Now the spirit has a disposition but this disposition is also impacted by the Psycho-emotional-mental complex. Now life consists of aspects The psycho-biological and the emotional-mental-biological and psycho-emotional-mental-spiritual complex and Socio-psycho-biology complex. And psycho-emotional-mental aspect. In spiritual there are 2 psycho-emotional-mental-spiritual complex psycho-emotional-mental complex In physical there are 3 psycho-biological complex Socio-psycho-biology complex emotional-mental-biological complex If you don't water a plant then the plant will die. Therefore only spiritual aspect is not the only important aspect, it's also the physical or biological aspect that should be considered. But if you forget the spiritual aspect there are problems like depression and mental illness and degradation of the spirit. Therefore both need to be considered. You have a physical journey as well as a spiritual journey. The term engineering. This term has a special meaning. Every word, statement, action you make or do should be engineered lifeward. Different types of abuse Mental - cursing, name calling Emotional - mocking at emotions, passive aggressive tactics Physical - violence and slaving many hours Psychological - changing their natural perception about something by gaslighting. Like telling a wife that cheating is okay and she shouldn't bother Spiritual - making a person believe they wil go to hell if they didn't do so and so. Extortion. Making a person do evil or encouraging a person to be evil. Provoking a person to evil

@Arcangelo I don't even know what you mean.

He is all about convenience and greed. Convenient morality Extremely self serving

Looks like a very dependent guy to me but not dependable, only dependent.

I don't think pedophilia is wrong. I used to think that way though. But it seems like a lot of men naturally get attracted to younger girls and it's a fact they try to hide due to social pressure... But truth eventually comes out. A lot of these men are unhappy with their wives because they are attracted to the neighborhood girl who is younger. I think society can do far better with more sexual Liberation. I think sexual stuff becomes criminally offensive only when there is no consent and when emotional manipulation and abuse is involved. Or physical intimidation, sociopathy or violence is involved.... It shouldn't be criminal if both enjoy it and are happy with the sexual experience. The age doesn't matter. It should be deemed criminal only if the person has suffered trauma. Otherwise it's only a sexual act. I think deep down the problem lies with demonization of sex by religion and society which is useless. It doesn't work. Sex is a primal need.. So this demonization presents itself in different ways like setting barriers and slut shaming and shaming people who want sex. I personally feel pedophilia is a sexual orientation that does not get a healthy outlet.

I had been thinking about spirituality for some time and certain things have changed. I started thinking about ancient cultures a week ago and even had a new journal on that. But it has changed my perspective. I no longer think that only spirituality is important. I have begun to believe that sometimes spirituality comes from an unconscious denial although I'm not rejecting spirituality altogether and I know that spirituality is like an ocean and there's just too much to study in it. The more I started to dig into ancient Roman and Greek culture the more I learned that materialism is also something. That denial of it is unnecessary. And that spirituality does not cover every aspect of life. The most important revelation was that there is definitely a primal side to evil but also a sociopathic side to evil. The primal side can be accepted and while doing so we sort of have to compromise with Spirituality. That was a bit difficult. Now I am not trying to accomodate my primal aspect and dashing spirituality away for protecting my primal needs. Like an abuser would provide rationale for his abuse. But I do it because I have realized that even through materialism one can have a spiritual experience. This came from last week's deep deep overwhelming extremely pleasuring sexual experience. With that experience came a strong feeling of love. And it almost felt like a higher love. It felt like a wonderful feeling of happiness and I felt like I was truly truly loved. Truly loved. The person made me very happy and very loved. It not only felt sexual but at the same time it felt spiritual. It felt like pure love. Up until this point I never felt like I would ever consider a sexual experience to be anything more than sexual. I never thought of sexual experiences that way. But the sexual experience I had this time was very wonderful. It opened the door to love. There was a lot of sexual affection. Deep sexual affection. And it felt wonderful. The affection was very strong. That's why I felt it was almost spiritual. The next day I felt that even biological experiences can lead to profound spiritual feelings and it need not be sitting in a cave meditating. I wrote about it. Very recently. Thats where the mask began to fall off. And I started to realize that everything physical is not non spiritual. And this was a huge breakthrough. Combined with the influence of ancient Greek and Roman culture, it had a tremendous impact on my thinking and beliefs. The other part that influenced my thinking was that I watched a lot of stuff that happened to people that was sociopathic and a question came to my mind - "what's the cure for this sociopath?"..... And I realized that there is no cure except putting down the rabid dog. Spirituality cannot change it. Spirituality does not have a solution for sociopathy. A sociopath doesn't change they are just born that way. So I figured that there is an obvious physical side to things that cannot be ignored. So I had to think more realistically. I think without sex this revelation wouldn't have been possible. It's only through sex that I saw a connection between physical and spiritual. But not any sex. Only that particular sex where you really feel loved. Sex that does not make you feel loved is really very mechanical and does not have that love aspect to it. You feel like you are giving a performance that's all. It can even feel a little odd. But this wasn't like that. This was something like never before. I felt very loved and cared for and very respected and very wanted. It was amazing. That's when I realized that physical is just as important as spiritual and that it shouldn't be neglected. And there is a ethereal beauty to physical things. I used to think that it's the physical part that complements the spiritual part. The sexual experience last week healed me, it brought me to tears and also made me realize how much my ex hated me, like how he didn't love me enough, didn't make me feel deserved, and would say terrible sexual things to me on top of all the lack of affection. I have realized that for a woman a sexual experience is very important because she feels loved. Now I think opposite... I think it's the spiritual part that complements the physical part. Spiritual is necessary when the physical is absent. I think part of the reason why I focused so much on spiritual is because I only thought life after death and eternity. But didn't realize that I should also focus about life before I think about death. Death and eternity are far away. And who's to say what happens after death. That only death will know. Why to think about death when you are alive. How is thinking about death going to benefit life. Why not be real. Why be in denial. And the biggest thing is when you die, how does anything even matter. You are dead. It's over. It's gone. Whatever spirituality you hold to be true is non existent or at least non meaningful or defunct at that point. You are gone. All experience is gone. Even if you have a spiritual experience after death, your body is not alive to experience or feel it. So the present state of awareness and emotion matters more than whatever happens after death. This single most important insight was only possible because of sex. And I had no idea that sex would have such a tremendous impact on me. Reality is what you feel now. Reality is your emotions. Your emotions through life. Your experiences. Reality is your purpose and your fulfillment in this life. Reality is your psycho-emotional-mental state right now. That's what matters. Your past is gone and you cannot change it. Whatever you can change is the future. And the future depends on what you create now.. Reality is based on all this... You need to feel good. You need to feel good now to feel better in eternity. Sex can make you feel good. It's primal I never looked at spirituality with this very primal perspective. But I see it now. And it feels very different.

Certain things just fall in the category of odd things whether they are material or spiritual.

Just because it's from India I wouldn't believe it. Some eastern people like to assume that things just happen their way. It's a kind of delusional thinking. There is no rational evidence to this sort of practice and any evidence presented is just hearsay. I believe in science as much as I believe in religion. I think science fulfills the need of the body whereas religion and spirituality fulfills the needs of the soul. It's important to have great determination which is helpful at times during adverse situations where food is not available and to survive in those situations without food but at the end of the day I feel it's the human mechanism that allows for that to happen. The human body is very strong and can withstand a variety of terrible situations. It's the survival instinct that allows unthinkable things to happen. But of course there is a limit to this survival instinct. And beyond the threshold I believe the person would die I think it's terrible to mislead people and make them believe in something magical like living without food. People should not fall for it. A simple spiritual practice can do wonders to every day living. These extreme missions or activities are completely unnecessary in my opinion. It's something that spiritual junkies would want to try. Deep down its delusion. I think in yoga you can control certain aspects of the physical body but its only so much that can be controlled.. Beyond that I don't think that spiritual energy has anymore impact on the human body. I don't know why people have to always try something either very risky or very unrealistic. I guess curiousity gets the better of them.

This insight came to me during this morning meditation today and it was very wonderful. It was like this. Like a protective instinct that follows you everywhere. That's God's power. It's like a cement or a fixative that covers you like an aura and protects not only your home but wherever you go in this world and touches every aspect of your life and makes it wonderful. It makes it beautiful. It releases the toxins around you and protects you from destructive events or forces or things. It helps you, energizes you and helps you heal and helps you grow and find a peaceful grounding to live and flourish on. It brings good people in your life. It creates a sacred comfort in your life. It's like a glue

I'm going to discuss about another aspect of humility in terms of primal existence. Like we have to be humble because we cannot attain ultimate spirituality yet we can be good human beings. Somewhere there is this feeling that too much spirituality could be new age hypocrisy and self deception. I'm going to touch on this subject at some point but I'll leave it for now. It's more about your primal nature and being accepting and happy with it rather than resisting it. Embracing your primal nature rather than thinking that only spirituality will complete you.

Elements of life Health Education, talent, skill. Development and preservation of ecosystem Spiritual development and connection with God. Work/passion/ occupation Development of community and preservation of tradition Protection of community Helping the unfortunate Family creation Family development and children Hobbies and fun Entertainment Emotional health Healing Developing essential skills and qualities

I love these hairstyles. Bleh

I believe you. I feel the same way. Like everything has been stretched too far More like preying on people's fear psychology

Hehehe this is how my ex boyfriend used to ask me for money.

Diagram for understanding characters and qualities

Reminder to myself - don't fall off the wagon again

Better learn than suffer Empathetic intelligence - is wanting everyone to be happy and welfare for everyone and devising strategies for that. Psychopathic intelligence - intelligence used for maximum personal advantage at the expense of others.

Bleh... ..

Psychopathy and intelligence are correlated

I want to use animal representations for these characters. These are tarots. Like lotus for seer Ahmm. Horse for champion Wolf or archer for archon Jackal for a master Tree for mentee

A general summary of qualities ???Catergorywise or by Role ?Championship qualities ?Masonic qualities ?Supplementary qualities ???Aspect-wise or by aesthetic nature ?Superlative ?Sublime ?Transcendent ??? Qualities of an archon ???Qualities of a master ??? Qualities of a mentee ???Qualities of a champion ???Qualities of a seer Short note - The archon is more about raw desirability and raw qualities. The master is more like a genius and shows more Masonic qualities combined with qualities of the archon. The mentee is a learner but is very devoted and exceptional at absorbing and observing the qualities and paths of other people and using their examples and inspiration to apply and use in his life and is still learning and is not mastered yet. He creates his life path and purpose by taking inspiration from the masters and archons. He is like an artist. He creates his own salad and infuses whatever he learns along the way and incorporates the better things into his life. The champion is inspiring through his devotion and dedication to his role. He is similar to the mentee but he is above his league because he has learned a lot more than the mentee and is very close to being a master. He may not be excellent but he has left a legacy. His body of work and commitment ethic is laudable. The seer is more spiritual and emotional and is more deep and very intuitive and Sublime and very understanding and calm and very Empathetic

The confusion here is between role and quality. This can be explained as follows. I will have to invent a new term to describe the other one. The first one is pure quality and the second one is.... Don't know So this is the difference. The first one is a person with great qualities. The second person is someone who is not outstanding in his qualities. Has no great talent. Yet manages to get by and play his role well despite his lacking but without giving up his principles or ass licking or by cheating. For example lets say there is a talented singer. But he is wasting his talent on drugs and weird behavior and loss of productivity. But there is this other guy who is not very talented does not have a great voice but is regular hard working gets the job done has been at it for years, uses some skills and is learning some talents and skills but not pure talent material maybe average but still manageable and has given a few good works or songs or acts. But still is mediocre at best. But he is a good father, a good brother, a good husband, a good son and does his roles and responsibilities really good despite his visible lack of ability or talent. I am not sure what to call this type of a person but his enormous devotion is also a great quality. Although he does not have a standout excellent quality, he still does the job somehow but his dedication over a period of time is astounding. He is the good boy but not the most attractive talent wise. He is not very appealing or does not hog attention. Yet his continued dedication and hard work and devotion is admirable. This is a person who is less about raw talent and more about grounded values. The first one is lacking in values but great in talent. The third is a genius.this is a person who is not only great at wielding his qualities but also great at learning and absorbing and observing the situation at hand. The first person is a one dimensional figure. This one is 2 dimensional. Because he not only has talents and qualities of the first person but also great observational skills and good judgment or prudence. What does this mean. The first person with raw talent and quality is only applying his emotions and qualities to the particular situation and acting on instinct or whim without thinking much. This is a spontaneous behavior. His reactions are improvised and spontaneous but not from deep reflection or observation. The third person is someone who is not only gifted in terms of exceptional talents or qualities just like the first one but also has an uncanny ability to perceive a situation at first and learn to assess the threat or benefits or consequences and then modify his behavior to fit into and then put his raw talent to use where it's required. Such people have relational awareness. They have great awareness and perception of their environment and situation and also themselves and the range of their talents. They know when to put their skill at use and when to use tact and carefully craft their response as to avoid the dangerous consequences of a situation but also adapt well to it and maintain a stellar career and equilibrium in their lives thus not allowing circumstances and situations to impede their progress and conveniently using their skills where they are exactly needed that is pulling out their arsenal of talents or skills when they need to but remaining down low and being strategic to maneuver their course or path magnificently towards ultimate success. I will call this a genius. I will call the first one a winner. Wonderful. I will call the second a champion. Good job. I will call the third a genius. Great job. Genius is also hard working apart from natural talent and so even has the qualities of the champion. The genius shows following Masonic qualities apart from his raw talent ? Judgement ? Wisdom ? Prudence ? Patience ? Awareness and relational awareness ? Observation ? Precaution ? precociousness ? Intelligence ? Maturity ? Perception and reflection ?Shrewdness and astuteness ? Tact ? discernment I will say that the above qualities can be further categorized as per role. 1 archon 2 master 3 mentee 4 champion/underdog.. He comes from a mentee position. 5 seer The seer is opposite of the archon. Because the seer is less material and Carnal but more spiritual and insightful. He has more of the Transcendent values. He is very intelligent but also grounded humble and Empathetic. Understands the deeper meaning and the deeper truth in everything.