Preety_India

A different kind of dance

@remember oops sorry I thought you were a male up until now. You go gal.

@remember Dancing gets more amusing if you drink this before you hit the floor

It's ok let go. He is not a psychopath.. He is an alpha narcissist who can't control himself. But he is not a criminal or a psychopath/sociopath. He is also a human struggling with his flaws and problems. Too bad that he couldn't see his flaws. Maybe the breakup will bring an awakening in him. And I'm no Saint. I have my own flaws and immaturities. Everyone has. I pray for his recovery I have learned to forgive him. Leaving was the best for both of us. Because in an argument both suffer. I cannot downplay his suffering. I don't know what he is going through. So it's best for me to not judge him I don't wish harm on him. I wish him peace and understanding and growth. As per me, I need to find peace myself and not bank on people who are leaching me dry.. That won't help I believe deep down we are all capable of spiritual growth if we put some more work. I started this thread to seek help and advice regarding the nature of the relationship and the behavior of my partner and whether it would be best to leave him or not. The responses here were greatly helpful in making me understand the gravity of the abuse and the dangers ahead if I had married him, it cleared up a lot of my fears and doubts and confusion I had been having for a really long time and obviously I couldn't ask my boyfriend if it was right/wrong to leave so I had to seek outside help which I did here, and the responses fully resolved my mental conflict and convinced me that I needed to get out before it was too late. I didn't want the thread to be a continuous trashing of his character. He can't defend himself here. So please respect that. I have broken up and moved on and thanks for all the suggestions, advice and support. It was overwhelming helpful in my final decision making. Sorry for my tangential tone and I mean no offense to anyone. I don't mean to hurt. Have a great day!!

I have come to a massive massive awakening in my life..... After a lot of crying and all the tripping. Only reality matters. Only and only reality, no matter how bizarre, how false, how constrained, how unfitting and contradictory..... Only reality matters in the end. My reality.. Your reality. His reality. Her reality. Their reality. ... Only that is true.. Through the tears...... Accept reality no matter how bitter it is.... Accept and understand how things are. Let go that needs to be let go. Understand what your body needs. Understand the bigger picture. The STRUCTURE NOT THE CONTENT. DON'T GET ANGRY AT THE CONTENT. SEE THE STRUCTURE. LOOK at it from above. See what can be done to change things that suit your life purpose. Don't be stuck in the content. Be set on the structure Forget good, evil, right, wrong, me, you..... Just know that reality will be what it is. Let go. And let things be good. Let the beginning be towards a better end. You can only do so much. Rest leave to God You can't have everything. Understand limitations.

This felt powerful. This music feels like going meta on everything in life

The Ayahuasca tea and everything wow it was good. Feel better after I woke up Like very grounded but still floating in terms of imagination. I feel very forgiving now. It's intense. I feel a certain kind of music touching me. It's like this. I will record this in the other journal.

@ajasatya Yep. I care about him. Yes it's about him also. I want him to grow out of his dysfunction and find peace in his life

@remember I don't know how his mind works now. Also he is more busy now than before which is an advantage to him. I was sick of his narcissism. And I'm glad I'm out. This was the right way to end it. I don't regret the relationship overall but towards the end it was getting worse. So it was best for both of us to bury it. It does show frequent changes in his behavior which is a symptom of his bipolar condition and he has to be on meds to control his mood swings. I was still supportive of him for as long as I could be but I have limits to how much I can take and maybe he realized that. I wish him the best and all the good in the world. I'm glad that I'm free from a dysfunctional unhealthy relationship and I can now focus on growth. I have no contact with him now since the breakup which is the only way to completely forget him and not allow him to contact me back because he can get very persuasive. The first month will be difficult but eventually me and him both will let go of the need to reconnect and everything will fall in place. Thanks for the kind words and support

@tsuki I completely agree with the whole amygdala and sexual arousal part. And having been with a narcissistic partner, I can say that they are hell to be around with. Yet they have a wonderful side of love and kindness buried inside which very few people get to see. If a narcissist seeks therapy, he can bring a big shift in his behavior towards his partner. Lesser need to devalue her.

A lot of the images are beautiful Hahaha the funny thing is I was blabbering images in sleep

So yea this space/wall will be about music, art pieces and English phrases

And how does sex feel. To me it felt this way

This was the image...all mixed patterns and colors . via Imgflip Meme Generator

How I felt A bit spaced out and like traveling into a portal ...like walking through a galaxy but ever changing. Sometime anxious sometimes chill and easily tired and lot of brain work...like brain exercise lol. Felt exhausted in the end. A bit acidic. The images were flurry. .but I had flashbacks. No nightmares. But a constant feeling of sleepy wakefulness. Like I can't escape it. Like I have to be on this mind traveling trip as long as it takes me. Reminded me of Matrix Reloaded. . Wanted to come down and say I don't want this..but it would continue without my permission.. So I let it happen as long as it does . It started to taper off ...tapering ...then some consciousness peeking through like coming back to normal but laughing while coming back. Looking at everything like what the fuck is this...why you guys arguing. What's special.....hehehehehehehehehe ..this is madness. Reality madness. Felt like I was mocking the world. All it's traps and ways. Felt like a misfit...but it's okay..felt like..the message...you are born to live... but hey you belong somewhere else okay...to a cosmic world where you are loved and wanted

This is my low grade psychedelic experience. I try not to up the dose at all. I'm aware that it can be messy . So for me just a little works fine.the pure form can be very intense. But mixed with a little bit of other stuff it can have the right impact. It takes hours to feel a bit better. But I feel steady. I cried a lot....whoooooosh... It released a lot of tension. And the visuals were flashing and bright and colors stood out and there were many many structures and patterns .. One pattern mixed with another. Felt like a labryinth world. But I'm good. Not as bad as thought. I feel more artistic after this... I also feel like I wanna be a free bird and the need to let go is strong This helped me deal with the breakup . I'm grateful to you mother Ayahuasca

This is my most fantastic find. Had ordered it last week. And had it before my sexual experience..this helps a ton. It made me laugh and cry at the same time.. My boyfriend isn't here. So i am free from him. I don't have to worry anymore. This is my safe space away from his space. I will never mix myself with his space. Never ever. I'm far away from him completely safe..but the sex was amazing. And I have that. Now it's his world that I could rarely care about..but now it's my world. My own little world where i have him blocked and thrown away. He can never come here. He can never bring that torment again .. The drink was great. I wish I could do more . But I can only sip just a bit at a time . The Ayahuasca is strong. It makes me feel Spacey.

This has been fantastic..been trying this and along with my Ayahuasca tea this helps a lot in feeling spiritual.

So yesterday I took some Ayahuasca. Mixed with a lot of herbs But before that I had to drink a passion flower concoction to feel better and restful.

So today a new chapter finally begins. And I'm hopeful that finally this will be something good. Trying to focus on whatever I need to be doing . My focus cards are helping me