Preety_India

@Bridge to Infinity I have struggled with depression and still struggling. One thing ...you are not alone . Second thing ...great news .you are young so you have time to make huge changes and by recognizing your issue you have already made a headway Third thing. ... exercise...helped me a lot Fourth thing...therapy..I'm going to a therapist these days. It's awesome. Big changes in every area of life Good luck

Yes I'll be looking into psychedelics although I'm a bit apprehensive of that. I have tried Ayahuasca and it does help a wee bit. Healthy contemplation. I do meditation everyday for the spiritual insights in my journal So far so good. My journal is my only saviour. I have realized that one thing that helps with mental peace is maturity. The more matured I become the better I feel. Like I can have a grip on a situation. In the end our own qualities and states of mind come to our rescue.

That was some awesome advice. Since relationships are such a key component of life ,it's very important to go meta on it more than anything. The most important statement you made was that the structure of a relationship determines it's content. And that is so true in almost every relationship... One thing I acquired from your post is that if a particular kind of content is observed in a relationship then a particular structure must also be present. Usually such a structure is being ignored while the focus is fully on the content of the debate or fight or argument happening at a given time. Because maybe our brains are wired to constantly think in the moment or handle things scenario by scenario instead of the overall structural scenario. So I guess what I'm trying to come to is that both structure and content are closely operating side by side. So if you have a large spreadsheet of two columns....one column for structure and the other column for content. Then you can do match the column. You will see that every structure leads to specific content in the content column. This will make it very easy to just match your current situation whether lifestyle, relationship or life purpose and then just use your structure reference chart and see how your content matches to the any of the contents specified on the chart. If you have a match, the structure correlated to it is the structure you are living in or dealing with. This way you can always keep away from unhealthy structures in your life and only choose those structures that are suitable for your life growth. Consequently even the contents will fall into place. Your general psychology is also a kind of structure that you need to go meta on. When you do that, it will reveal why certain kind of content exists in your life. Once those structures are weeded out, it will be easier to move towards healthier psychological structures and never fall into psychological traps again . I would add that along with recognizing structures it would be necessary to have an optimal or ideal structure in mind for a good comparison. This will help in easy detection of a bad or unhealthy structure you are already dealing with in life. Starting out with an ideal structure and then improvising on it as time goes by would be a great way to kickstart the necessary change

If the whole thing about sex is not healthy it can lead to a lot of problems like doubt, worry,fear, guilt,shame, insecurity, deprivation, perversion, resentment, frustration, panic, seclusion, distress, abnormality etc.

@Anna1 thank you so much

@CreamCat whats the meaning of going meta ?

@Lubomir thank you. I'm glad I got the support I needed thank you brother. I will start my healing journey again. Peace again ✌️

Broke up with him an hour ago. And it hurts too much. The most painful feeling. I cried. But it's ok. I can manage. I need healing I will try..

I broke up with him an hour ago. It hurts like hell

Yes it can be very damaging. Therefore one has to be fully equipped before one makes the decision to enter into a relationship and be very careful right from the start. I came to know much later in the relationship what narcissistic abuse really was. I didn't have any clue about it before. Now that I know a lot about it from some research that I did, I am fully ready to leave the relationship and throw it out and start the healing process. My weight gain was also a side effect of constantly feeling depressed as a result of being targeted in the relationship. The good news is that I have realized that it's important for me to finally let go, the initial months will be tough because breakup also has a negative impact on the psyche and therefore I want to break it in a way so I don't end up going back like I did the last time. I'm fully mentally prepared to let him go and start the healing. The emotional bonding is hard to break easily so I will have to work on it step by step. But I'm glad that it will be over finally and I will be free and happy again.

@Annoynymous bpd or borderline disorder is slightly different and it involves using victimhood and using extreme strategies to keep the person in control aka Jodi arias.. My ex was like that.. They usually use suicide to hold you back in the relationship. They have to paint the picture that they can't live without you and that they will extremely damaged if you left them, thus either blackmailing you or playing to get your sympathy. They feel no empathy for the other person's pain or problems and only see themselves as the only one who is getting impacted in every way. They are not necessarily narcissistic but they differ from narcissists in a way that they believe that everything is only about them. They completely disregard the other person's needs or problems or psychological effects and see everything from their own angle Even if they are made to notice how the other person is also suffering either because of them or others, they show a cursory or fake response of concern or seriousness, it's like they are incapable of understanding the seriousness of a situation at all, they act teenagey and lack maturity and understanding and gravity of a situation. They only feel bad when their emotions are getting hurt but fail to acknowledge that the sufferings of the other person are actually bigger than their hurt feelings.. They easily get butt hurt and resort to extreme behaviors to make themselves look good but deep down they are seething with jealousy and insecurity and the need to be constantly given attention and importance in the relationship. They are usually sadistic and don't smile when others are smiling or rejoicing and they are always the victim even when nothing offensive happened. They have to be center of the attention and they feel good only when they are given constant attention.. They try to self deprecate themselves in an effort to win praise or sympathy from people around them.. They cannot take being abandoned and such an action causes them to be aggressive

@Annoynymous Narcissists feed off the low self esteem of the target person They attack and constantly attack the target in order to upgrade their own self worth. It becomes an addictive cycle for them without them being conscious about it. They drain the target emotionally. They manipulate the target initially to make them believe that the Narcissistic individual is the best person for them and they provide a shield of protection and concern for the target. Once they have won favor, they start using covert and then open strategies to constantly gaslight and manipulate the target. A narcissist is usually detected by a bunch of pattern behaviors and some common statements they make are similar to "you are not good enough" "I can do better than you." "you are really dumb." "you are ugly" "I can do better than most" "you are on a short leash" "if you don't like me, it's your loss" "you won't find anyone better than me" "I can easily replace you" "that person does better than you. Maybe I should hire him" "don't believe anyone. I have told you the truth. You are dumb. You can't think for yourself. You can't be trusted." "you will ruin it. Let me do it. You can't handle this." "you are not a good role model" "if I was on the panel, I would win and I would totally own them " They have a God complex. Narcissists are also big time hypocrites. They do something bad and defend it but when you make the same mistakes, they attack you for them. But if they make the same mistakes they expect to be understood or forgiven. One favorite strategy they use is to constantly project on the target the behaviors they themselves engage in. Like creating hypothetical scenarios. For example a narcissist would say, "I know you are a liar," " why would you do that, are you doing this to make me look bad" when in reality they are the ones who are actually lying. They might say something like "are you trying to scam me or rip me off" when in reality they could be the ones who are siphoning your account. Similarly if they are cheating behind your back, they might say "I don't know, maybe you are talking to that person, who else are you flirting with, this is gross, I never thought you would do this"..... You keep defending yourself but they don't listen. They are not ready for a defense. Even if you successfully defended yourself, they are going to downplay instead of being supportive like, "ahh alright, I don't know. I can't trust you still." They always make you look small.. They get massively triggered when challenged and they may ridicule or mock your achievements and downplay your support or good actions. But they wil surely highlight your flaws and magnify your little mistakes and extend them to criminalize you. You can never be a good person in their eyes and they make sure that you are always looking for their validation and permission by keeping a tab on you and controlling your life.. This way they satisfy their need to always have the upper hand in every situation. Plus they pump themselves up and feel good about their inflated personalities. This energy drives them to work towards their goals and they are constantly looking to reward themselves in some way at the expense of the misery of the target. Deep down they are abusive control freaks and when they see a vulnerable person this strategy helps to keep the target feel infantilized and controlled and threatened and totally owned by the Narcissistic owner. They feel power. It's all about having more power and the thrill out of it.. They never let go this power struggle because letting it go is a huge insecurity and fear for them. They don't see security in not having power. So they have to have the final word, the final say, the final decision and the final solution. Other important characteristic of a narcissist is use and throw. They use the target as long as they can and when the purpose is fully served they just dump the target and move on like it was a carousel ride. They don't seem to feel affected by a breakup. It's just another turn in their life. They are very selfish but they know how to guilt the other person to feel terrible and make themselves look like the anointed or martyr.. Targets get attracted to narcissists because of the feeling of short term security and affection and validation they provide. This helps a person who has low self esteem or has previously been abused. Narcissists offer fake support and praise for the target and sympathy for the abuse and make themselves look like the protector or leader there to guide you every step of the way. However this is just a part of their strategy to keep the target in control. Narcissists suffer from delusional disorder. They believe nothing bad can happen and everything will perfectly as their plan

@Serotoninluv Omg!! what should I say. Everything above is reading out like the script of my current relationship. I can't tell how much similar this is to my situation. Ditto! I had been thinking the same thing. That the relationship and the person is not 100% bad or unhealthy. Only a small portion is beautiful. Overall it's very unhealthy. The relationship is holding me back too. When I had disappeared for 10 days I did miss his intimacy but I also felt free, liberated and back on my track in my life. For the time being I am not able to take care of myself the way I would have liked. And most of it has got to do with all the fuss and antics he does that takes up all the time and space in the day. I guess a good way of testing the health of a relationship is to just see how you do with and without that person in your life. If you are doing well without that person then you are better off alone, normally in a wonderful healthy relationship you would do better with that person than without that person. Because a wonderful relationship helps you grow in the maximum possible way with a few hassles here and there. But like you said an unhealthy relationship holds you back and you don't realize how much it's holding you back until you are actually free from that person's hold. That's what I'll be experiencing too. I'm looking forward to a very much single life as long as I can remain single. There are so many things worth doing in life than being stuck in endlessly hopeless relationships.

@Serotoninluv he does use aggression tactics when I try to maintain a distance from him. And of course gaslighting like I won't find a better person than him yaada yaada.. But I won't fall for it. I will get over it. I just need to use alienation to get away and dissolve the emotional bonding.

@Preety_India the guy I'm dating is an American white guy who is also a catholic. But he is not educated and I am much better than him in terms of education at least. I think a lot of his machismo comes from his looks. But I think an educated Indian guy would be a far better match. I will be looking forward to a more educated man to be connected with because they bring respect and commitment and understanding and maturity in a relationship or marriage. So Yea I made a mistake thinking that simply being American makes a person more civilized. That's not the case. And the idea in my mind that every white man is a good man needs to be cast out. It's a cultural prejudice I held for a long time. Any man can be respectful irrespective of his culture/race.

Focus is primary Time is short and momentary Story ends in the cemetery

I'm planning to make my own focus cards

I want to feel more confident and responsible from now on. I have a lot to work on. Today is the start. I need to keep the date in mind. November 11

@CreamCat you are right.

Yep. And self confidence and strength/courage. Looks are a bonus but not necessary.

@Serotoninluv you are right about it. He is that narct/bpd. And I will get help in breaking up

It's not that an alpha male is an automatically bad man just because he is alpha. That's a myth. Maybe this myth helps beta males feel better. My first boyfriend was an alpha male. He was good at almost everything from looks to social status to winning women. You say it he got it. But I broke up with him because there was no affection only sex. He was like a super alpha who didn't care about anything except primal needs. But that didn't help me at all. Wasn't helping my growth. So I had to let him go. My next boyfriend was a beta male and I know maybe you hate to hear this but this was my most awful relationship because he was good in the beginning at impressing me and he was not aggressive but I had nothing to learn from him. It was like dating a statue. He wasn't good looking but it didn't matter to me. Yet his insecurities and I was making more than him in my job, so he resented it and was jealous that my social status was above his and that caused him to vehemently take covert swipes at me and show passive aggression. His constant victim mentality got too much to the point that it turned hostile and merciless and he would just keep lamenting and bugging me. Full on harassment. He didn't threaten me but his own fear, jealousy and insecurity that I might do better than him caused him to act distant and testy with me. I gave up and broke up with him because there was no point. He lacked confidence which means he never had the power to talk about family, marriage or living together or making things happen. Always evasive, running away from shit like a pussy. I wasn't proud. I couldn't get his cooperation to start a family.. At last he bailed out because he couldn't get anything done. He insecurity meant he had to disagree just to disagree. I left him. My current boyfriend is also an alpha but way better than the first alpha boyfriend I had. Because I learned almost everything from this guy. He taught me so much, from politics to religion to social dynamics, not that I can't learn on my own, but his audacity helped me overcome my weaknesses. He was like a pillar during my tough times. He is obviously good looking, 10 out of 10 on looks, love and romance. I didn't love him just like that. A relationship is not always all bad, although it does get toxic. But I emerged a matured woman in this relationship more than any other I had before. I learned nothing with the beta guy, absolute zero and it wasn't motivating in any way, in fact it was demoralizing. When I was suicidal my boyfriend was the only one who yanked me out of it with his motivational talk and he punished me when I did wrong, in a way he disciplined and grounded me because that toughness is necessary to be serious in life. I didn't love him just for his looks or power, but also for being determined and giving me the strength and discipline when I needed it. Alpha males are good as long as they are good, especially when they are balanced and not abusive. The only bad part is when they get abusive. Not all alpha males are abusive. But they sure as heck have huge amount of self confidence and dependability that a woman can rely on. Plus they are not afraid to commit to marriage. They are more than ready to face challenges of life. I saw my boyfriend going through a lot of challenges in life, things I cannot imagine going through, but seeing him fight it out gave me the motivation that my struggles are nothing compared to his. He has the downside of being abusive and so I will have to leave him eventually. Men who are insecure and lacking in confidence can be extremely difficult to deal with. Not only they lack in looks, power, confidence, they try to compensate their lack by constantly dragging the woman down rather than motivating them using covert passive strategies. Been there done that. A healthy guy is a combination of an alpha male and some balance and sensitivity. And no abuse. In the end I will go for an alpha male or remain single.

Another thing is to not get overwhelmed by duties and responsibilities and distractions and "things that need fixing".... Those can be put off for later. Focus on what's more important right now. Or at least what's important for this week or next week..

After laying out a plan for both physical and spiritual growth, the most important element is "FOCUS" Just pay attention to what needs to be done to fix things and what needs to be done next to create a flow, a pattern or a sequence or an order

I think I am more sensitive and empathetic. But it usually winds me up with people who drain me with their needs. I need to focus more on self care. It's not a cultural thing, it's only me looking for love and not realizing that it can be a big trap. I get attached really quick and then it's difficult to let go. But experience is a great teacher. So I think I will eventually learn to be able to feel emotionally strong and independent and resilient enough to cough out a "no" and not feel guilty for that. A part of my psychology that I'm dealing with is the fear of offending someone which is huge. I am working on that part where I can freely offend someone when I feel they are encroaching my space. I was raised in a strict catholic school where the first thing I was taught was to receive everyone with grace and be very kind and helpful and never hurt. But the disadvantages of kind behavior are overlooked a lot. He played a lot on my sympathetic side. I'm aware of that. Another part of my psychology is that I was conditioned to believe that anything related to self care is selfish. My ex used to do that a lot. If I told him that I had to eat or sleep, he would say that I'm being selfish which is crazy. But it's time for me to start out on a clean slate and make up for all the emotional loss. I need to break the unhealthy relationship and not get into anymore relationships until they are really healthy and help with my physical and spiritual growth. Like Leo said, I shouldn't allow my feelings to cloud my wisdom and better be single than be in dead end relationship. I think they say that you should swallow your pride if you want to ask for help, in a similar way I need to learn to swallow guilt in order to carve a new path for myself. If he feels that I let him down or disappointed him like he always says, I think I should not worry what he thinks and maybe start worrying a little more about myself. I am human too and my needs are also important whether he gets it or not.