Preety_India

My main agenda this week Stay away from negativity

I'm planning to sit and meditate with Andrew.. He has weed. I can do that too. Last time we hung out we smoked some weed and it was pleasant. I felt great especially with him. He also gave me a bunch of Ayahuasca sachets. He is all into the psychedelic thing which I love.

It's a new day now.... I have to constantly remind myself... There are other people also..... There are other people also.. There are other people also Andrew will be coming to my place today to help me sort out stuff. He has been so supportive and sweet. I'm beginning to fall in love with him. Last time he got me chocolates lol

This is called deeper spiritual understanding of life. True love does not abandon. Does not leave. But a job does. Things aren't permanent. But true love is. I saw his true colors today during a recorded conversation. I'm baffled. To me love was not a transaction. But for him it was a transaction. I thought it was true love. How interesting is karma. He gets his karma 5 days after the breakup. How strange. He loses everything. Just everything. He is left with nothing. He was completely flippant with me. Now when someone else is flippant with him he is surprised. What a jerk. Now he is sitting hopeless. Maybe he still pines for me.. Listen... I'm never coming back to you. It's over. Once and for all. You are a user. You used me for your needs and much more. I didn't know why you were acting strange and attacking me. Now I exactly know why. I was right when my intuition told me that. It told me the right fucking thing about you. I was nothing but a puppet to you. Well I know better. You lost me forever. Regret all you wish. I'm not coming back. Your life will be a series of regrets. Keep convincing yourself that you don't regret anything. Because you are so selfish, you can't own up to it. You did all this drama with me for so long for the most cheapest motives. Now be glad. You lost everything He sacrificed a woman who stood up for him all along just for a fking training program. How selfish can you be. .. I see right through you. You are so cheap. You said you sacrificed everything for it including smoking, weed and me!!! Great...maybe you could have sold me for a pack of cigarettes or weed. Is that how cheap you are. Then my sister was totally right about you. Yep. If you could just abuse me to avoid a night conversation or because I dropped your $2 weed pipe, you could of course do a lot cheaper than that. You are a sellout. And you say tykes are bad. You are worse than them. You showed your true colors. I lost all respect for you. Go cry and bitch to your ex. She dumped you too. She is no good either. She swiped clean your bank account and dumped you so that she could wash her hands off you. Tragic!! She got her way out and you call her a pig. Funny. She is equally selfish. Both of you were a good match. You call her selfish and what are you... You are worse. At least she is a woman. Plus she did a lot for a loser like you. She paid your bills. After you drained her dry. Now she is better off. Exactly how manipulative can you really be. You are a cheap piece,fake as a two dollar bill, cheaper than a dime. My sister was right when she said you are not a good person. She knows your moves. Because your intentions were never genuine. That's why. Thank God I dodged a bullet. God saved me. I am glad Andrew was supporting me all the time.

He killed me for it It's bipolar neediness. Either its a psychological disorder that is like a blanket covering and dictating the emotions. Or it is the emotions that can't express because of the psychological disorder. I feel like it's the first. Which deep down it's all empty. It's only a psychological disorder that's creating a temporary neediness and feeling of love. Just temporary emotions like it happens with psychopaths. But it's not the second one. Where the psychological disorder is eclipsing the real emotions buried deep inside. It's not this. That's bipolar love. Not real love. Bipolar neediness masking itself as love. It's terrible.. The emotion feels real because the mind is trapped in that neediness. Real love shows in a real need. Not need triggered by external needs of sex and comfort.. A real need to love selflessly.. Real need is intrinsic and is ever present like a thirst that never quenches. Psychological needs are just assigned and are like dependent on the context and the intensity of a moment. They have nothing to do with a heart. A real heart feels pain This is like a psychological thriller between the mysteries of the mind and the heart. When the mind wants what it wants it mimics the emotions of the heart and plays it out to elicit an emotional response . This emotional response mimics the emotional response of a heart But true emotions are different than mental responses. They are no disguise .they are eternal. They are spiritual. Only a great man with a great heart can love a woman truly and unconditionally. Rest are only hunting and gaming. That's not love, thats an attraction game True love is eternal and spiritual. It doesn't change. It only grows. It may not materialize. But it's not untrue.

I wish I never had to do this

I'm so frustrated

I wholeheartedly agree. We live in a pick up culture. It's horrible. A guy should not be an okay signal to play with a girls emotions. What if we told women that they can sleep with 100 different men and break their hearts just for the sake of practice and experience. Would men be okay being treated like a toy ? Where is tradition? Where is culture? Where are values ? And c'mon,let's be honest, even if men wanted to sleep with women to get better at the Attraction game, is a man ever going to be honest with a woman and say, "hey girl, I want this relationship only because I want you as a practice girl." A man will first try to draw her in, attract her, make her fall in love with him and when his game is over, abandon her like it was nothing to him. Does he realize that if this behavior was repeated by all men, women will grow to hate and resent men for having played with their emotions. I mean being honest is better if the intention of commitment doesn't exist. If a woman sets a boundary she is considered stuck up. If a man sets a boundary other men will tease him as weak or incompetent or even worse, they will call him "gay" We live in an upside down world. Where real values have taken a backseat and desires are supreme!!

It's been 3 days now. And I have almost gotten over him finally.its been hard. Very hard. But I'm coming closer to getting over him completely. Once the emotional impulses are gone or subsided I will feel much better. I tried ranting, venting , sitting in the bathroom, crying into the pillow, listening to emotional songs, throwing it all out , getting the pain off my chest as much as I could ...after this purging for last 48 hours , I'm getting to where I am feeling sober.... I am okay now. The emotional purging helped a lot. Bottling it up inside is no good.. it makes healing difficult. But I know I'm strong. I will get over it. I just need to be a big girl now and let it all go..

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. - Mark Twain..

Two things that I want to focus on Is to focus on something objectively and rationally To have intense love and passion in life ...and support and positivity

Reminder - never ever be with a passive aggressive manchild again....

Today is rant mode.... Pouring it all out.. All the hate and pain... Not keeping anything in my stomach

This guy........ This guy is super hot

When your friend tells you what's on your mind

I'm so glad I met Andrew but I don't want to go so fast into it.. I feel stressed. But at the same time there is a strong temptation to go out with him and completely get over my previous relationship and have a fresh new wonderful start like the smell of fresh new curtains. I am happier than ever Just this vexation that my recent ex might try some other strategy to get back into my life. I have him blocked The last time I blocked him, he tried getting my number through a friend's of his and hunted me down and called me up in the middle of the night yelling at me..... This time if he did that, I will switch off the phone completely or change my number or tell him to fuck off.... It's tough. He is very persuasive. But I have made up my mind... No matter how much he cries. No matter how much he whines....no matter how much he blackmails and guilts me... I'm not going back to him. His usual style to spark off an argument and get intense and then get me emotional with some emotional stuff about his life and then proceed to get lovey dovey and then assure me that everything is cool.... This time I'm not going to fall into his manipulative pit. He is too skillful at psychological manipulation. He loves these mind games and playing around emotions.. But I'm getting better at judging his moves.. Initially it was difficult. He would get slow and steady and quickly manipulate his words into playing my mind to believe his lies, his boasting, his neediness. He has this domineering way of making things look perfectly right if he does them...like he is always right no matter what I confronted him once and called him a narcissist. And he flipped and said no way. He didn't want any labels.. He was like.... I'm better than most... What a jerk who thinks he is a Saint He just loves being praised It's all false confidence He can't do shit.... He can't get shit done. Everything that he got done, it was me who helped him get it done. I even helped him with money. I helped him fix everything. He was Making the stupidest mistakes. And I was telling him the right thing to do. What a jerk... I'm so glad... He is out of my life for good I should have known better. But Andrew is such an opposite. Although I'm a bit wary at trusting men now.. They are always impeccably good in the beginning and then later they give out such a toxic vibe two months into the relationship. When a man shows his true colors, he gets ugly. Most men just aren't authentic at all . Plastic...

Andrew is also an alpha male. But he is chill. That's so awesome about him He is a project leader in his software designing team. He is fun, relaxed. He is always calm and collected. Sexy... Confident, calm, healthy, strong.. He is athletic. Charming, sensitive,.. Honest... Great communicator,... Happy go lucky.. Makes money.. Very energetic and fun.. I never saw him morose or upset. He loves meditation and so do I. So we do great in that. Because I really need someone who is also interested in spirituality like I am. So it's great that he appreciates my spirituality and doesn't criticize like my immediate ex used to.. He used to fret about everything. This guy Andrew is sensitive to my needs. If I want to have a listening ear, he is incredibly patient. Last night I told him everything about my relationship with my boyfriend. And he agreed.. He said he will never be that way If he were in a relationship. He told me that I was brainwashed in a relationship that was horribly toxic. I'm so glad I could call him and he was there.

Andrew this is for you You are sweet.... Hehe I feel very flattered when I am with you.. You make me feel amazing.

Big blessing in disguise

After ranting and venting out I feel way better. Way better... Spat you out of my life you asshole.

I'm looking forward to meeting up with Andrew..... I want some more sexual chemistry with him But I want to take it really slow. Because my attachment with my current boyfriend (my immediate ex) is still lingering a bit and I'll have some hard time letting it go and feel normal again. But Andrew is really sweet. He is an American living here. I met him 3 months back at a local meditation center. And he was cool He is on the same page as me. He loves self development just like me. We both love spirituality. My asshole boyfriend.... Well that's what I am going to refer to him who I broke up with just a few days ago. He was a total asshole. He was American too. But very disrespectful and just a plain asshole who feels the need to feel important in the relationship at the expense of insulting me. But Andrew is nothing like that. Andrew is cool and mesmerizing. Quite tall. 6 feet and more. But I kinda match him well. I couldn't really think of hitting off with Andrew right away because I was still stuck with this asshole throughout this year. He wouldn't let me go. I was bonded but at the same time I resented his behavior. I stopped sending him stuff. Now with Andrew. We get along great. He is always smiling and gentle. He is not disrespectful like my asshole boyfriend Joe. Joe bye bye lol. Goodluck being an asshole to another woman. I had enough of you and I'm moving on super fast. That's the only way to get over you and create my new space. You really thought that I was going to put up with you forever. Nope. It gets too much. You really had me like a doormat. You controlled me too much. You were just very selfish and self centered, outlandish, arrogant, predatory (preying on my emotional weakness), narcissistic, cold, attention grabbing, and you brought tons and tons of negative energy into my life. Your words would cut through like a sword.. You were mean, vile alpha bad boy... I wanted alpha but not a bad boy. Negative,..... Self centered... Predatory... Narcissistic.... Heartless But I wish you good... Good luck.. Good luck screwing another woman.. But I doubt you will even get another woman after this. Guess what I was the only one to put up with so much because I was madly in love with you.. You knew it well You can go on preying another emotionally vulnerable woman but she will drop you like.... Like that.. She will be too smart to put up with you. You will never get another woman and I hope you don't because no other woman deserves to go through what I had to go through with you. I didn't deserve being treated that way. You are awful.. Your constant passive aggressive behavior had taken a toll on me. Your constant reassurances that you love me just to pull me back was lame. The only reason our relationship lasted was because I was so forgiving and empathetic to you. You had ways to draw my empathy card. Drawing my attention to you You said I was the love of your life, the Woman of your life, that you will never hurt me, that we are forever, that you can't live without me, you want to live with me forever.. Didn't you say that when you were in jail???? You told me that. Writing letters to me. Keeping a copy of me. Reading a book about me.....? How sweet... And when you came out of jail, you were so nice and warm... For how long? Two weeks.... What a joke. You were back to being the same asshole you were before your jail stint. You loved playing games, blaming me, passive aggressive, pulling me pushing me,.. You would start a fight over nothing. Just because you wanted more power in this relationship. You wanted to feel big. You always wanted to guilt me for something imaginary. I feel like a total fool for falling for you and giving you so much emotionally to come out feeling damaged. I betrayed you while you were in jail? Nope. I wanted to dump long before that.. It was the tipping point. I had taken too much by then.. You were a pain in the ass.. You were delusional. You think you are super awesome. You are just an immature narcissist. Glad I'm done with you. No regrets. But I do regret losing my time, emotions, health and resources dealing with your craziness. You were a waste of time. A waste of my health... Guess what...... I'm better now... Way better.. I gained weight. But still better. Thanks for the weight gain for all the bullshit abuse you put me through constantly attacking me and feeding on me. I have grown now. The moment a guy does what you did, I'm gonna dump him like a rotten egg. I am better for myself, more self confident now than ever before. I'm way better now. I feel free and independent. I don't feel like I need a man to validate me anymore. And the most important thing.. I don't feel the need to put up. One red flag... One bad sign.. One asshole move... And I will dump straight up. No more tolerance for assholes. No more dealing with bad behavior and forgiving it. I am going to learn setting up boundaries no matter how madly I'm in love. I will be with a person who respects those boundaries. I will be with a person who is matured and understanding and not someone who just needs his fix with me and is with me only because he gets what he wants I want a man who loves me unconditionally not some narcissistic asshole who uses strategies to devalue me and feeds on that meanwhile gloating how awesome and great he is and how he can get any woman he wants. Haha Goodluck bad boy asshole. Goodluck. You will meet someone weak like me or twisted. But I'm strong now. I was just in love. You took it as weakness. It was being soft because I didn't want to hurt you. But I'm over it. Andrew is 100 times better than you'll ever be. He respects me. If I create art, he calls it beautiful unlike you who use to make fun of my art and insult me. Andrew doesn't hurt me. Not at least now. I want a beautiful space with my man and me. And I'll create that. You lost me forever. And you can sit and regret it for the rest of your life. But I highly doubt it. Since you are a narcissistic, you will never truly regret anything. You will invent some blame on me and make it look like it was all for good. Bye for now. Even though the pain still hurts. The pain of loving and letting go. The pain of nurturing a relationship and then breaking it with my own hands. The pain of loving and caring someone deeply and then realizing that I am getting destroyed in their games. The pain of betrayal of my trust and forgiving nature. I settled for a lot. I put up a lot with you. Just a lot. Just a lot. Lesson learned. There is no need to put up with so much disrespect in the name of honoring love and promise. There is no need to put up with a user just because he needs me. There are much better people out there than you Joe. But you had a way of proving that you are the best. Nope. You are not. You are a boaster. You had a complete disregard for my feelings and you couldn't care if I had a bad day. Everything was all about you every time. But now I am looking forward to a bright future. Andrew is very patient. Very kind. Extremely kind. But I don't want to rush things. I want to be nice with him first,.... And wait till I feel like I can really be with him. But till then I want to focus on my spiritual journey .

Dodged a bullet