Preety_India

These nightmares are awful

Yes you are right about it. Narcissists are very difficult to deal with. They shut down a discussion and deliberately sabotage a discussion because they're too insecure to provide a platform of defense to the partner. A classic example of a conversation with a narcissist goes like this Target partner " I have to talk about something" Narcissist "what" Target partner "what do you think about same sex marriages" Narcissist "hmm" Target partner so Narcissist " what do you want me to say" Target partner "I'm just asking for your opinion" Narcissist " why are you asking me this?" Target partner " I'm just asking" Narcissist. " I don't know how to answer that" Target partner " ok" Narcissist. "What the hell, are you a lesbian?" Target partner "no " Narcissist "then why the hell are you asking this" Target partner "how does that mean I'm a lesbian" Narcissist "what's wrong with you" Target partner "what happened" Narcissist "you are dumb" Target partner " I'm not asking because I'm a lesbian" Narcissist "I didn't call you a lesbian" Target partner "you said that" Narcissist "what's wrong with you" Target partner "I'm just asking" Narcissist " this is too much, I need to watch TV " bye You never get around where you will have a successful discussion with them where the concerns and opinions of each other are openly discussed. When the target partner tries to defend, they get insecure out of the fear of being proven wrong so they just shut off the discussion.

I did get to know all of my exes gradually but still a bit faster, not too slow. I'm impulsive plus I show codependent behavior which means I will get emotionally bonded super fast. Like within days. So in some ways my own weaknesses made me a favorable target for abusive relationships. That's how exactly abusive relationships are. There is something in the woman also, like a deficiency that keeps such a relationship afloat. However there is one crucial difference. I wasn't the kind of person too desperate for a relationship and diving right in for any man who showed interest. Often I wasn't attracted to men who were attracted to me..plus it wasn't like he said he loves me and I'm laying in his bed the next night. It was manipulation. There was tons of manipulation which I'm very angry about. Because if they were more authentic about who they were, I probably would have had second thoughts. The manipulation meant I had no way of knowing what person I was really dealing with. It's like 6 months into the relationship, I feel like I'm dealing with a different person. My ex (not this guy who the thread is about) was two faced. I realised after many months what his true face really was. He said one thing in the first month of the relationship and completely flipped in the 6th month. Maybe I'm not a great judge of character,but it gets incredibly difficult to know a person inside out when they are being extremely deceptive. That's why I honor authenticity in men now much more. An authentic man saves a whole lot of pain and stress for himself and most importantly for the woman he is claiming to love.

@Key Elements I think in my case it was more about naivety. I was just naive and his affection caused me to believe that it's true love. As women we are taught growing up that we should manage,we should adjust, we should be patient and kind and motherly and understand a man's weakness. I think I was trying to fix the relationship throughout the relationship rather than thinking that it's toxic to me. I have a lot of dignity in myself as a person,I have no idea how I allowed myself to be mistreated,the only reason that comes to my mind is that I was passionately in love and justifying my efforts to keep going in the relationship as a sign of my true love and loyalty to him. It was like a test I had to pass to prove my love. With the kind of blackmail language he used, I was being prepped to think that I am only loving if I can prove it. I knew him only for two weeks before totally falling in love with him,which says a lot about how stupid I really was. My exes didn't come out of nowhere. Either they were my neighbors, college friends or workplace friends. They weren't complete strangers. So I knew them before the relationship. But they were very sweet which is baffling to me, how manipulative a man's approach towards a woman can really be. I'm a naive believer, I trusted too much too quick. Part of it was because I always thought being judgemental is so cruel. So even if they had a bad past I was still able to forgive their past or their flaws very easily. I remember one of my exes who said something sexually awkward to me like public sex, and at the time, I didn't even think very seriously about it. I was prone to taking everything lightly as long as it was " love ". ... because I never believed that a person can hurt in love. It's a sort of naive trust . The lack of skepticism in me which is the lowest. The level of openness I have that can be easily taken advantage of. Now I really don't know how to think of relationships. If I take it as a science and analyse it under a microscope everyday, it will get too mechanical like career planning . Plus there is still no guarantee that it will be good because men have so many different faces they hide from a woman. Let's say I marry the best guy, he treats me with a lot of respect, but what if he changes dramatically 3 months into the marriage. What if he starts drinking or gets a job problem and then begins to take out his life frustrations on me till the point of divorce . The fact of the matter is that we can never know for sure if a person is really good or really bad , we can only judge based on present behavior, but a good person can turn bad and vice versa. Nor is there a guarantee if a marriage will really work just because the lovebirds were happy in the first year before marriage. Things can radically change over time The only thing we can do is establish probabilities. The probability of a good future with a person who is showing good behavior is high. The probability of a good future with a person who is already showing red flags is extremely low. The key is patience. And not rush both emotions and sex. The problem is that men don't wait. They won't sit around for long. But here is the important part, if he really loves he will wait till the woman is convinced he is safe to be with, so a woman can set the rules Ahhh. Well I didn't know this much about relationships when I was dealing with them, wish I had this much knowledge as I have now. Now whatever I know is directly from experience, bad experience rather. I remember a saying that goes like this ...if you are too slow to learn,you will learn the harder way. If you are quick to learn, you won't have regrets. I still don't fully regret the whole experience. It was mind blowing. It taught me a lot about people,about men, about relationship dynamics , about my own psychology, about sex, about romance and affection, about relationship challenges and about narcissistic abuse. At least I'm more matured than before. Now I at least know what to avoid in a man or the type of men to avoid. I was clever with one thing. Although I was passionately in love with him, I did not go ahead and marry him blindly, a mistake many young women make in their lives and regret their entire lives. They get pregnant with the wrong man. I'm grateful that I wasn't physically abused. Because just an hour ago I read about a married woman in Sharjah beaten by her husband where she lost one eye. That's how bad things can be. I'm still grateful that this was only emotional psychological abuse. And thank goodness I didn't marry him. Because I could have been homeless or in jail just for trusting him so much in the name of blind love . I guess the human need for love is extreme. And when you are deprived of love in childhood this need becomes exponential as an adult and manifests itself as codependency as it shows in me. But self awareness is the first step towards spiritual development. I'm now aware of the kind of person I have become as an adult. This relationship exposed my weaknesses. It worked as a shield. Sometimes bad experiences teach you valuable life lessons. This shield means in the future I will be hyper aware of people I engage with and avoid destructive pathological people easily. I've got lifetime protection from bad people because I'm now very sensitive and alert at catching the behavioural signs which are dangerous for my mental health. I have avoided the personalities similar to my exes. But this guy was different from my ex. His style was different. So it was an entirely new experience for me. But since I'm completely physically safe, I should just feel grateful for what I have. Of course it's like once bitten twice shy . I have suffered so much in the relationship that I will never take any risks again. I don't want to lose my life and sanity in the name of love. And love is not love if it's destructive. I'm glad that I'm a better person today and that the experience has taught me certain things about people and life. But I won't make anymore mistakes just for the sake of learning. This experience has been more than enough to teach me a lot.

@Annoynymous thank you

...

This will keep my mind off the emotional stress.

Thanks for bringing that up. I looked up on the internet. And I saw that I show all characteristics of a codependent. I was heavily abused by someone in my childhood that lead to low self confidence and a lot of trauma. I could never feel okay or secure about myself. I also had a sense of fear and anxiety as a result of a narcissist abuser in my childhood. I did not receive therapy for it. But I have outgrown that phase of self pity. However I got attracted to men who offered me emotional support and my attraction was instant. I felt loved and comforted by such men. It compensated for the lack of love and deprivation I felt growing up. So i went through a string of abusive relationships. But these were men who were very warm and welcoming and loving in the beginning but later became abusive and hateful and tyrant.. I continued relying on them for my emotional needs as I lacked the strength to walk away and say no.. Deep down I craved the intimacy and felt really painful if I left. This always gave a sense of power to the men over me.. This was the probably the last relationship I had where I noticed an abusive pattern. This was intense. Because I wanted to give one last shot. So I kept hoping that things would get better. But the cycle was always like better than worse than better than worse than better..... It messes up the mind. It seems like such people know how to attract weak people and keep them in check.. I wasn't able to place healthy boundaries in the relationship out of fear of losing him. But then again I think, what's the point of placing a healthy boundary If the person is anyways abusive. He is not going to respect those boundaries. He is going to do his own thing. And If he doesn't he is following those boundaries only out of fear of losing me not out of genuine respect or concern for me. I don't want a man who behaves in a way only out of fear that I will catch him, I want him to genuinely avoid behaviors which are hurtful.. I don't want to cage him or instill fear in him. The point is simple. I was with a narcissist. It took me time to look up the symptoms of the relationship on the internet and then come to that conclusion. Wish I had known early on. Not everyone falls in love after doing cursory research on the internet. I thought love was natural. And a huge population suffers from psychiatric disorder. It doesn't always mean that they can't find love or have kids. If they are willing to work on their personalities they can change it. I brought up this concern with my partner last month where I mentioned to him that he was a narcissist. But he flatly refused. So i guess a relationship cannot work if the person is not willing to try to work on themselves. Anyway my future course of action is to either be single or never be in a relationship where I'm not happy. Just walk away if I'm not happy instead of trying to work it out and getting hurt. If I have to be in a relationship or find a person who is admirable then I will spend some time and check how the chemistry works out in a few months.. I will keep an eye on the red flags. And drop it at the sight of the first red flag. I don't need it.. I'm also working in a therapy program with my psychologist and therapy group and so far the support is awesome. Hopefully I will be able to improve my low self esteem and work on my codependency behavior.

This is like short stint in rehab.. Plus I'm also thinking about going camping. This will be like a retreat... So I'm thinking about two things in mind.. One is rehab and for a short time. Plus attending group therapy which is going great already.... The other is going for a short retreat. I'll be going to this place. It's awesome. I might have to travel a bit longer to get there but it's gonna be awesome. There I can do meditation for a full long day and even for a week. Plus I will drink a lot of coffee lol. It's winter. I just want to relax and just be there and enjoy nature and practice spirituality. It's gonna be awesome. I can't wait This is the place I wanna be... Just free and meditating under a tree and drink the stream water. Don't care if it's contaminated because I just love natural water.

I'm enjoying the company of my therapy group. They are awesome. I feel wonderful.

Says that he loves riding horses. What a joke... And the whole pink girl lol " I like Shugga.. Not you"....... Like seriously Hahahah. The dream though. My heart pounding and everything... Now. I laugh lol.. What a jerk!!!! Always read jerk flags.... Not acceptable at alll.... I mean fuck. Off... If you don't know appreciation... And don't call respectful people cucks.. I am attending therapy. And a lot of this team is helping me a great way. Andrew is an expat I don't want their real names to be revealed. So I will give them some names The team thats helping me.. So the therapy group consists of these.. Real names hidden. All of them are dealing with their own psychological demons and issues. Chavez. Really friendly. Just like Cindy. In fact he reminds me a lot of Cindy. Talks like her. Very direct.. Hart...super cool.. Thomson...this guy is insane. His arguments are so sharp. He is so calm all the time through the session. Austin.. Very intelligent David.. Smart Lorna.. Sweet passive And Christy.. My psychologist and head of the therapy group. This woman is mega strong. Mad respect.

@NoSelfSelf yep. Narcissistic. I dumped him for good. It was unhealthy and toxic. I didn't deserve it and no man or woman should have to go through it. It's emotionally traumatizing. But the forum helped me recognize that I was doing damage to myself and I'm grateful.

Super cute ...

@tsuki awesome. Worth trying

Does lsd help with that. That's great news. Thanks .

Kudos to Leo. I didn't know that thread even existed. Leo has made some outstanding points and some tragic truths about some young males idiosyncrasies about dating and getting women. He is 100% right on almost every point at least in my perspective. I see a terrible failure in a lot of these men on the thread in understanding a woman's perspective.. Yet they want a woman!! Thanks for bringing it up. It will help dissipate some of their insecurities which they hijack every dating thread with.

@tsuki @Mikael89 thank you for understanding

You have to be a woman, a virtuous woman. I don't know how to explain it to you. I woke up from a nightmare. You know what it was. Well it goes like this.... I am with a man. He says he loves me and only me and that im the woman of his life. I dream being with him, and having a family with him, marrying him, having kids with him because I am not a hoe... I want my relationship with him to grow. We are going great together. Everything is great, the romance sex, and we find no trouble. Then there are fights over silly things, him doing silly things, humiliating me in public, calling me names because he had a bad day. One day he makes my communication with him extremely difficult by constantly acting distant and he is acting weird but asking it with comedy and fake laughs but taking jabs at me and mocking me.. Shaming my dress sense, calling me a joker, poking fun at me. I have no idea what's wrong with him but I try to play along thinking this is just his way to act funny with me. But I can sense this is weird. He is still avoiding me meanwhile I'm planning a date night with him for the weekend. He draws a pink colored cartoon and pink colored horse and sends me texts with all pink colored graffiti pics. Pink is the name of the girl he is friends with on his Facebook. I am feeling uncomfortable. I ask him what's going on. He gives a sharp reply, " I like pink. She is my girl. She is my type.". I am left furious. I feel traumatized. I can't believe what I'm reading. What am I seeing. What's going on. I thought me and him were a couple. Is this a joke. Now I know why he was acting funny with me. I dump him. I am feeling disgusted and used. As I was waking from this pathetic nightmarish dream, my heart was racing and pounding. This is while I am semi conscious. Now you realize that our psychology is complex. Manipulating with someone's psychology is not a child's play. It has biological consequences similar to that observed in trauma like palpitations, anxiety, chest pounding, a gnawing sensation of discomfort and depression. In the beginning of the thread you were saying that I will put up with a man even if he beats me up. Since he is alpha and can attracts females. You're so wrong. A woman stays in an abusive relationship not because the man is alpha but because she is in love with him and the thought of leaving a relationship is too traumatizing for her, she experiences fear and trauma realizing her relationship, a careful caricature of security she built is tearing away rapidly, she can't cope with the loss so she stays put expecting a positive outcome and a change in her man, it's only after loads of coaxing and therapy and pressure from people that she realizes that she has to take urgent step of leaving the man no matter how difficult and emotionally uncomfortable such a step is, she ups her self confidence and breaks the cycle of fear and leaves. Exactly what I did. People here assured me that it's good to leave and supported me and bit of cajoling from everyone finally me break the cycle of confusion and fear and take the step to walk off. Emotional trauma is not an easy thing to deal with. I hope you don't have to deal with it. Because it messes with a person's internal growth. And in turn it affects physically like weight gain, weight loss, insomnia and Ptsd. I hope you realize that everything is not about attraction and fun. There is more to relationships than that. All I can say is this - respects the other person's emotional state and value structure. If someone is virtuous they deserve a virtuous partner. No area for manipulation. Rest everything is okay. Be authentic with intentions. Helps both parties.

@tsuki I want loads of serotonin.

I would want this to be played at my funeral. With his first hello.... This was the story of my Life.. My heart breaks with tears when I hear the words " She fills my heart" Because once upon a time . He filled my heart the first time our eyes met. I will meet you in heaven when I am gone. One day I'll be united with you. One day in heaven I'll be united with my soulmate. There won't be any fights. It gets lonely living this way always loving and breaking up..... What is love without pain..... The one who never really fell in love will never feel the pain.... How fickle is such a heart... I can always have new relationships,new beginnings but I thought you were the true one ,that's how it was to me , you said to me "I'd rather go blind than see you walk away ".......that touched me deep. Because nobody had ever said that to me ever before...people say "you look beautiful" " you are funny" and "I like you" ... but nobody said that ... True love lies in greatness. But I'm fortunate that even if it didn't work, I felt real love for once in my lifetime.... You were the Romeo And Juliet of my life. You were special and you will always be special even though I wasn't special to you in the same way you were to me..... Love can't be measured by how much you can give. ..by who you are and what you got .... Love is simply love... But you were my soulmate. And breaking up with you was almost like breaking up with myself. A part of me was lost forever....like losing someone ... Get angry at me now..get mad at me....I will always love you inside me ...even if I left you... it was never meant to be.... You haven't really lost me. I know... True lovers never really lose each other. I pray your life works out..that's all I want. Is you to do well..... Bye for now...meet me in heaven ..I promise I won't complain..

@Javfly33 try not to follow the rules too blindly. . because you can't totally change who you're. You can always change a little bit at a time. Be as much authentic as you can because dishonesty is a bad trait . Focus more on relationship Dynamics rather than what you should do or what you shouldn't do. For example what you do in a particular relationship may not be the best idea in another. Different relationships have different Dynamics depending on you and mostly the other person involved.. It all comes down to your real goal in a relationship and how driven you are to make it work The pickup books might help you a bit with realizing general dos and donts but not much more. In the end whatever happens within a relationship is dictated largely by both your and your partner's behaviors..here you'll have to be intuitive in sensing what needs to be done and what needs to be fixed. Because nobody truly knows what's going wrong in a relationship more than you and the other person. Here it's all your working. You gotta do your own research and see what will help you in a specific context .. I wouldn't say pickup books are bad or worthless. General relationship advice always comes handy. In fact the more you learn the better because it helps to weed out potentially harmful relationships early on in your life. Often a relationship situation doesn't work out because it is intrinsically unhealthy as it is ,that is you are in an unhelpful unhealthy impossible dynamic and this is where self-help pickup gurus are very beneficial because they can relate to your situation and at least let you know that it's an impossible dynamic you're trying to work your way through. But once you are in a healthy relationship dynamic, don't ruin it with relationship advice or general trends. Don't rely too much on social norms. Try making your own salad. Open up with your partner and see how you both can resolve the situation rather than looking for outside advice. It's a process of self growth unique to you.

@Mikael89 lol a man who thinks a woman should not have needs or her needs should be tailored to fit his game. ...actually a real feminine woman has a lot of needs. Men just despise them and call them needy and stuff. Because they don't want the hassle. But women who learn to suppress their needs actually turn more masculine in an evolutionary context which is again something that men resent. Funny. A man who wants a woman to have fewer needs is only trying to make it convenient for himself , I mean it makes his job easy right, he doesn't have to do much to keep her happy , but guilting her into thinking that she is unbearable if she expresses her needs. That's exactly what narcissists do, suppress their partner's needs and call them unhealthy and expect them to swallow their inner needs of intimacy thus leading to feelings of deprivation and frustration in the partner. That will never work. It's a great recipe for resentment. In fact the opposite is true. When her needs are expressed and the man respects it and encourages her to feel free and not restricted in the relationship, that's where she is happy and content and doesn't have to feel guilty for asking for something, this works for both the man and the woman and they are not frustrated,the only thing being that the man has to work a bit harder but that's okay because the rewards are equally great for them both in the long run. I wish they taught this in pickup groups