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Everything posted by traveler

  1. @Joshi3 I've been there when I was 18 too. I'm 20 now and I can hardly remember what it was like. But I remember that I called it an existential depression, infinite loneliness and meaninglesness. This does not last even though you feel like you've just seen something your not supposed to see and you've broken reality.
  2. Yes I've seen all that, I'm just not constantly aware of that fact. I spent all my days for a long time being too much in my mind by from those realisations, and it made me frustrated, unhappy and unconnected. By focusing more on the play of life, without trying to maintain my connection with source all the time, has been given me space to just be without thinking about it. I believe there comes a time in this work where you have to lay the spiritual ideas away for a bit and just enjoy your day to day experience. The reason that I asked ivan how you could know when it was time to embrace the ego, is because It always feels like you're missing something on the spiritual journey. You imagine there will be a moment where you get the final insight and become happy from there on out. But I have had no luck with this, I've already seen my true nature, so maybe it's time to lay all of those teachings repeating what I already know aside for a bit.
  3. @ivankiss That's very interesting. So in this state you can embrace all areas of life without falling into identification? No fear, no self doubt or low self esteem, just creating for the love and fun of it? I've experienced the dissolution of the world 1 time before, and have been on the edge of it a couple of times since, but get struck by fear before losing every sense of orientation. I felt myself becoming less and less present and grounded during this work. Had a hard time connecting with people, as it was like I wasn't on wavelength with anyone. I've also been aware of a growing spiritual ego which made me feel superior to others but in some senses a lot more insecure and scared. I've experienced happiness and more connection the last week by putting my contemplation to the side and working on myself. This might be a phase I have to go through for my soul to reach new expansion, idk. Also there is fear of doing the work seriously while I live with other people, as I'm afraid of going into a meditative state for days without moving and then freaking them out, maybe that's just the ego talking. But this work seems to be easier if your isolated from such concerns.
  4. How do you know when you are ready to embrace life with an ego again? I've been distancing myself a bit from all of the spiritual teachings lately, and have went back to "normal" behaviour, such as working out and taking care of my body and mind again. It feels good to get away from contemplating all the time, it's less draining and I feel happier. I have had awakening experiences, and been chasing them for about 2 years, it feels like I've just given up and embraced my ego. But I dont know if dropping spirituality is the right thing to do in terms of my souls deepest desire.
  5. I appreciate all your answers, thank you!
  6. The last couple of days I've changed my routine immensely. I've started a really clean diet, I sleep a lot earlier than i used to, I don't fap and I exercise every day. This is the total opposite of what my life has looked like the last 3-4 months. I feel amazing, I have a lot more energy and I feel happier overall. One problem that has arisen after this change in lifestyle, is that my mind is running crazy about what I'm going to eat tomorrow, which exercises I am going to do etc. Last night I couldn't fall asleep because it was looping over these matters constantly. Is it possible to have extreme discipline (this is extreme for me, lol) and still be rooted in the now? It seems almost impossible, as there are so many things to think about.
  7. @mandyjw great advice, thank you
  8. That's a analogy is funny asf. Wouldn't you say that sticking it in and out is maximizing pleasure? Existence remembering and forgetting itself for infinity. Infinity fucking infinity, infinitedly.
  9. I have to make a choice based on an unconscious action I took in my past. I sought jaw surgery/chin surgery about 3 years ago because of an insecurity in my appearance. I got referred to an orthodontist to get checked for a chin surgery, but he said that the whole jaw surgery would give me better results in the end. I have a disguised overbite. My upper teeth a tilted back and lower teeth tilted forward, creating the illusion that I don’t have an overbite when looking at my bite. My profile is pretty recessed though. I went to my dentist today and she told me that she couldn’t promise improvements in any of the concerned areas I mentioned in terms of functionality (breathing, sleeping, posture etc.) Let me get to the point: Since I had a profound awakening, there have been great difficulties in terms of taking actions like this one. Beliefs have been formed about what's right and what’s wrong in terms of spirituality, and my own growth. I have built a very strong belief that seeking aesthetic perfection is of the materialistic paradigm, and that it is very unspiritual and wrong to alter your looks just because you’re not particularly happy with it. On the other hand I do want this surgery because I have an intuition that it will help me health wise in the long run and that it also will make it easier for me to be at ease and accept myself on a human level. But I still don't know if this is real intuition or if it's my ego secretly using this as an excuse to get the surgery done so I can look better. There is some strong cognitive dissonance going on here, and I would greatly appreciate some of you guys wisdom. Basically: Is it “wrong” or “bad” for your spiritual growth, to get “cosmetic surgery”?
  10. I can relate to your problem. I think it's normal to disassociate with the body and mind after a big experience. When your an ego chasing enlightenment you take on a lot of spiritual conditioning in the process. This is a trap I found myself in , and I think many people get stuck in for a while. It's a spiritual ego. An ego that thinks it knows. Either it takes on a superior act (the I know and you dont) or It takes on the existential dread act (the everything is meaningless and nothingness and hopeless, but it's own interpretations of these words). I have found myself in both of these traps multiple times before. The book by adyashanti "the end of your world" talks about this. I saw a video by a guy named Matt Kahn the other day and he really opened my eyes to something. He said "it's okay to have an ego," omg you're not allowed to say that right? But just feel into it. Doesn't it feel better to just embrace that you might have an ego, and that you inhabit a body? It's easy to get stuck in between the world and the "spiritual realms" or whatever, this might ground you a little. 😁
  11. An inquiry that has brought me clarity a couple of times is asking what nothing really means. You see this word being thrown about quite a lot in here, but have you ever actually stopped to investigate what absolute infinite nothing really means? It might bring about some frustration and heavy headedness because the ego is trying to figure out what it would mean, and it is of course impossible for the ego to know, because the ego only knows something. If the word is looked at enough, it might actually show you what it points to.
  12. I have had only one meeting with an "enlightened being." It was very nice and we could look into each others eyes and dissolve into nothingness together. The meeting brought clarity and a sense of healing, but not enlightenment. Nobody can give you enlightenment, so be nobody.
  13. I'm considering buying the booklist, but I don't have a lot of money to spend if I'm also going to buy some books from it. I'm interested if you guys are happy with this purchase? Are there hidden gems? Have these books been a great help on your journey?
  14. In my experience weed is amazing for spirituality. I have always used it irresponsibly/casually like most cannabis smokers, and the one time I did it for spirituality I had a breakthrough into non duality. It has amazing potential for spirituality, but it can be very very "harsh" if you fight what it is trying to show you.
  15. I literally just bought 17 books, used a big chunk of my money, all of the recommendations are really interesting. Maybe I went a bit overboard, but I couldn't help myself, lol.
  16. I just bought it haha, didn't have patience for a reply
  17. This is exactly what I need, thank you for making this post!
  18. I found this pumpkin on a walk the other day, and it inspired me to make this poem. I thought that I would share this with you.
  19. What will be left of all the fearing and wanting associated with your problematic life situation that every day takes up most of your attention? A dash - one or two inches long, between the date of birth and date of death on your gravestone. To the egoic self, this is a depressing thought. To you, it is liberating. - Stillness Speaks, Eckhart Tolle.
  20. I worked at a kindergarten and a 4 year old kid told me about his past life. It was way too detailed to be fake, and he was a shy little fella. He told me that you don't die when you die and what his name was before when he had a big body and so on. I tried getting more information out of him the following days, but sensed that he didn't wan't to talk about it unless he felt like it. He was such a cute kid, I hope he's doing well.
  21. Yeah you have to deal with the implications of this truth yourself. I think everyone on the spiritual path has had a taste of what you are talking about. It's just your ego fighting for it's life though, it's not you. Who says you can't enjoy or be grateful for life without meaning? Take a look at your experience; when you're having a good time or when you're deeply in touch with something you're doing or creating is there any of this stickyness called "meaning" around? Are "you" around? Have you ever had a good time with someone and noticed your mind wasn't around to commentate on what was happening? Was there any meaning there, or were you just enjoying the moment as it was? Meaning correlates with hope. Everything must mean something so it can lead to some big event in the future that will fulfill the thing I feel is missing. There must be a meaning for all of my suffering, and some day in the future there will come an answer that will end all doubts and questions. That event will never come. It is imaginary and it keeps the suffering and lost little you alive. Does a chair need a meaning? Does your experience need a meaning?