tsuki

Still stressing out about the new job. The first week was about configuring everything - my PC, my home office, my internet connection, installing their software and making it work. My spare time was about optimizing it, and arranging my home office to my liking. I really like my setup now, but the PC I'm using is barely capable of running everything at once. When I have a meeting with ~10 people, sharing the screen, having my IDE open, compiling and uploading, etc, it overheats. So, no extreme multitasking for me, which may be a good thing after all, idk. A colleague asked me, why didn't I take a laptop they offered me, and I did not feel comfortable answering on the spot. The nature of my arrangement is that I am not an employee, I am a contractor. I choose to not rely on this company for everything, because I've been doing this my whole professional career and I want to grow. I want to know how to prepare my own office, to choose a right computer for the job, to configure the network and all the other things, even if it costs me some stress. The only thing I regret is that I did not insist on talking to the devops that works for this company so that he would tell me beforehand, what are the specific quirks that I have to look for when preparing. This would have been a hell lot easier this way. I noticed several things that were at play when I challenged myself this way. First of all, when joining a new place that is already established made me question who I am because I don't know how I will fit with them. At the same time, I was unsure whether my choices regarding my environment were correct, and my self esteem quickly plummeted to the point where I was able to see just how extremely wide the IT domain is and how little I know. I have very little knowledge about operating systems, networking and hardware. I have little knowledge about how how cross-platform development works, about how linux works. I had no idea just how cooling is important in PCs, and how physical layout of a computer is important. Software development is extremely abstraction-oriented, but running software is not abstract in the slightest. It runs on a specific operating system, on a specific device, with specific hardware, and that's not even the end of it because it runs on a specific network with a specific topology, etc. Fortunately, I'm pretty confident in my programming abilities, so I'm not afraid of writing the code. The colleague I'm working with has 5 years of experience with this system, so he's much more proficient in modifying and configuring it. I tend to compare myself to him, but I'm watchful of these thoughts. A lot of thinking revolves around who I am, how do I fit, how was I wrong about myself, etc. Sometimes, it really feels like a mental disability to be honest, so I remind myself that my life is here, in my body, in my home, etc. It was much worse when I wasn't sure whether I will even be able to work on their project due to my choices. And all of this does not even touch on the fact that I am now my own company, and I have to deal with taxes, invoices, payments, etc. This is absolutely crazy and I feel so overwhelmed. I have to monitor my own time, attend meetings, work with my accountant, etc. I have to save money for vacations, and to cover my health expenses, retirement, etc. All of this is to be learned and I voluntarily signed up for it. But I've grown and experienced something new. I noticed new things about myself and how I work and devised new ways of dealing with my quirks. For example, I just recently noticed just how much I was focusing on difficulties when facing new things. Focusing on the goal, and on the positive impact my actions will have is so important. I also want to be more productive, and give up excuses against it, such as fear, or resentment. I really want to be independent and grounded. This is a good transition into 26/8 which will happen in April.

Every time I skim over one of my journals, I notice that the opening posts are very peculiar and dependent on the circumstances that I'm facing at the time. Yet, I feel that I somehow have to provide a long-stretching vision for the future that I will work upon. I hereby release myself from this need and wholeheartedly embrace my peculiarity, with the full trust that the Unconscious guides me towards liberating my true self. This year, I want to put my effort into becoming more self-reliant and grounded. I want to let go of any egoic attachments that under the guise of safety, give me reasons to put off living for later. This includes money, status and pride. I want to dedicate more time on self-reflection, as this year's number is 25/7. I want to experience living in nature, hiking, bushcraft and contemplation. I want to spend the night outdoors, relying only on my personal equipment and skills and develop the capacity to spend 3-5 days out. I do not seek extreme situations and I do not seek physical death. I love and respect my body and I want to spend time with it, learning its ways. I want to learn to enjoy limitation, being something concrete. I also want to create an anchor to this world that will allow me to be more balanced with respect to my work and my family. I want to be more grounded, deliberate, alert, aware, awake, cautious and conscious. I want to give full expression the repressed nomad within me. I want to start a youtube channel where I will share my peculiar mix of spirituality, philosophy, engineering, programming, bushcraft, herbalism, learning and introspection. I want to deepen my connection with the Sage and become a worthy student, firmly resting in the beginner's mind, without falling into false humility and pretense. This year, I want to embody my Idiot fully and live according to the true meaning of the word paradox, παρά-δοξος.

First day at work went smoothly The past three hexagram drawing were all hexagram 11: Harmony, Peace, Prosperity.

@trenton The clue about pressure and wanting t life to be effortless is important. When I say playful, I meant, for no particular reason other than to enjoy it. No strings and grand plans attached.

@trenton Do you generally feel that you can play around in life, explore things without sense of guilt that you are abandoning your duties, etc? Sex is generally thought of as a form of playful personal expression. Are there any activities in your life that you would call playful personal expression?

That's a tall order, to singlehandedly change the fate of the whole family. It's no wonder that you want to become independent so much.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you for sharing this. Very timely.

I am not being sarcastic here and I am not mocking you anymore. I can see why would you defend Elon so much since you two are so similar. I would actually love to hear more about this. I'm not on the spectrum and I will not pretend that I know how hard it is for you. But I know perfectly well how it feels when someone pretends to look straight through you when he has no clue what he's talking about, like you were just now. That is because we can't communicate properly when we assume that we know what happens in another person's mind. You cannot do good for others if you don't know what they want. This knowing does not come from intellectualizing, but from actual listening. When there is no listening and communication, this is not empathy, but tyranny. This is the practical understanding of psychology that cannot be read from a book. Full discaimer here: I reacted so strongly because I'm starting a new job tomorrow and it actually requires understanding of psychology and systems thinking. These two areas are actually something I've been studying and using for many years. Having a random stranger deny everything I've been working for was too much for me today. The fact that you are on a spectrum explains a lot about our miscommunication, and why you had difficulty understand my reception of what you were saying. I'm sorry that I offended you and someone you respect.

Of course they are. Understanding is not an intellectual endeavor. Being able to follow what is written in a book is not understanding psychology. Yep, keep talking to your past experiences instead of me. I'm just a green hippy, not worth paying attention to. You already know what I have to say right? And what you think is too complicated to express, so why bother. Weird that I was able to sense your particularities over the internet without prior knowledge of who you are. It's probably because ALL green hippies do is whine about your psychology. No need to pay attention. Since I'm now mocking you openly, I think that this conversation is over. There is no chance to arrive at any consensus and I'd rather enjoy the rest of the evening in peace.

How is it then that you claim to have understood psychology to a degree that allows you to predict evolution of whole societies? Your own psychology is so particular that you can't have a productive conversation. Is this an intellectual endeavor for you? This is not stage yellow thinking in the slightest.

Patronizing tone means condescending, looking from above, schooling. If you disagree with my post, address the points instead of dismissively saying "it's more complicated", listing 50 things that I missed without elaboration, and talking about me to other people as if I weren't here. If the topic is too complicated for anybody to understand except you (or people you agree with), then don't discuss it on a forum. Denying _any_ validity to what the other person is saying this way is just projecting arrogance and a sense of intellectual superiority.

You know, there is a limit to the amount of patronizing tone I am willing to stomach. Back off. Please address the fact that the most successful companies don't actually create products for people, but for other companies. For example, the product of technological giants such as Google, Facebook, etc is the influence over people, which is sold to advertising companies. People are not consumers, they are products. The point about unconscious choices people are making is equally valid for dishonest advertising that targets children, and raises whole generations of customers to be addicted to specific services. This is completely backwards when it comes to the raise of consciousness. I never said that people value money. I said explicitly that people value quality of life. Nope. See mental health statistics and how they correlate with the introduction of mobile technology and social media. You criticize democracy for its latency, the fact that it is possible to leverage the system so that people don't know what is happening, and yet - the exact same argument stands for consumer choice. People stuck in survival mechanisms will choose the most immediate solutions to the most immediate problems. Optimal capital allocation could solve this, if there were incentives to do this, but I still don't think there are. Raising people out of poverty is good for raising consciousness, but it is not effective at raising consciousness of more developed countries. The general public is concerned with the environment, charity, etc, but not the actual people that create these issues. You are not going to resolve this argument by more patronizing tone and enumerations. You have zero knowledge about who I am, what is my psychological background and how I apply systems thinking in my day-to-day life. Stop attacking my character and address my points. I feel confident in these two areas of my life and no amount of bashing will make me take you seriously. If your intent is to distract me by creating difficult emotions, then you are successful, but this only serves to prolong this discussion in unhelpful ways because I will be preoccupied with defending my character instead of actually listening to your points. Since money printing is a big topic for you, why don't you share your thoughts about this topic?

@captainamerica Since you also commented on my use of terminology, please show how this use is incorrect, or incomplete.

@captainamerica I would prefer if you addressed the contents of my posts rather than comment on my character. How exactly am I strawmanning systems thinking? Since you noted that I mean well, please paint a more complete picture that shows the areas that I missed.

It is true that there is issue with how the government allocates capital, but there is even greater issue of balance in capitalism. Healthy democratic governments answer to people through election. People, on the other hand, care for their own well-being. Of course, democracy is difficult because people's influence is indirect. This is a closed feedback loop that optimizes people's well-being. Healthy companies, however don't answer to the population, but rather to investors, and the only incentive of investors is to make more money. We live in a world in which a dead tree is more valuable than one that is alive, or where a person is more valuable glued to the screen watching ads. This is an open feedback loop that optimizes the amount of money investors have, at the expense of everything else. Sure, there may be conscious businessmen that take this things into account, but this is not how we build systems. In systems, we look for general trends, not for exceptions.

I am GOD, I express myself through you. We are not different etc. Copyright 2019 Leo Gura Still cracks me up after 3 years.

@trenton What is your relationship with your parents? Are your parents enthusiastic about you? Do they want you to explore life and support you regardless of your path?

This idea is called "mind over matter", or that your bodily needs are lower, while intellectual are higher. It is closely related to Christian ideas of guilt, original sin, and deeming the body as the root of evil and impurity. All of these ideas serve only to divide you into parts that are in opposition and create inner resistance. The truth is that the so-called intellectual needs are just cultural values that you think you should fulfill. They serve only to perpetuate the culture in which you were born, by hijacking your life to sustain its goals. This is closely related to the hero myth, in which a human is placed above the natural order, or harmony, and imposes his understanding upon it, to make it better. This myth puts humans in direct opposition to nature, which is not the ecosystem, but φύσις, the spontaneous creative force, which is known as God in Leo's philosophy. All true needs are accessed via feelings, which are the function of the body. This has to be clearly understood if you are to liberate yourself from your intrusive thoughts. Feelings are the original intelligence that is your birthright and that is given to you so that you have guidance in your life. The mind has questions, options and possibilities, but no answers apart from knowledge a.k.a. beliefs. Feelings are your innate guidance system and our culture deliberately severs your inner connection to use your life for its purposes. Knowing what you shared, there is absolutely zero chance that the term "rape culture" applies to you. It is much more probable that you will come off as meek and indecisive when approaching women, so you should not concern yourself with such things. What you should be looking out for though, is the fact that you are scared of approaching and that you are making up excuses. Notice this clearly - you are afraid of sex. There is nothing to be ashamed of. This is the result of your beliefs that the body is evil and you were raised this way. You are not broken because you are afraid. LOTS of men have this issue. It is very uncommon for inexperienced men to not be afraid. What has to be understood though is that this fear is not about approaching, but about your own body, or rather, about your thoughts about your body. These thoughts are false.

This question is too broad to answer constructively. Give us some more context.

Take my advice here with a grain of salt because I've never been a heavy user. I would expect that from all the substance use, your nervous system may be desensitized and it may take time for it to re-adjust. Have you tried going into rehab? They will make you stick through it.

The first thing I would start with is to simply admit that you are a human, and that humans are sexual creatures. This is completely absurd and there is zero personal reason for it, but this mere fact may let you ease into it a little. You are a sexual being. You crave sex. It is not logical, and it does not serve your business purposes, but you do experience it. You may feel that sex deters your attention from things that you think to be really important, but this is just inner conflict. Abstracting away from your true needs, in favor of more sophisticated ones, is not a path towards fulfillment. I would suspect that denying your sexual needs is enough to create strong cravings that you deem "intrusive", or misaligned with your artificially chosen purpose. And indeed, choosing thinking over feeling is hating oneself, because feeling is always closer to our core than what we should do. I can see another conflict in what you are writing that I would like you to look into. First, you are saying that for your whole life, you've been judgmental towards sex and that sexual encounters were difficult for you. Few paragraphs down the line, however, you say that sex is a simple pleasure. This does not add up, at all. Sex is not simple in the slightest. Having a long-lasting, mutually fulfilling sexual relationship is one of the most difficult (and meaningful) things that can be done in life. Maybe, correct me if I'm wrong, you feel uneasy when approaching sex and you developed a superior attitude to cope with this feeling? If you are a focused guy that wants to zero-in into your goals, you assume that other people are the same and that you are wasting their time, giving into this pleasure? There are all kinds of people that are under-represented on this forum, and to some of them sex is number one priority, and the greatest joy of life. From the looks of it, it seems like sex plays a lot bigger role in yours, than you are willing to admit. Given the background you presented, I think that it is very worthwhile to look into your sexual past and notice where this pattern of rejection started. I would suggest to find a professional to do this, because these are very intimate topics and I understand if you don't want to share them on a public forum.

@B_HAZ There are several possibilities why you experience relationships this way. The most obvious one is that you may simply not be socialized enough and that you've never really felt that you can interact with people freely. A lot of us have this experience and I understand how difficult it is. Other than that, I have a sense that you feel like you are a burden to your friends by expressing difficult emotions. This is probably not the case if they truly are your friends. The understanding that you have to receive, in order to give is very mature on your part and you should strive to do this. It takes courage to open up and share your less-than-desirable self. Contrary to popular belief, friendships are not built by projecting your attractive self. They are built on vulnerability, on showing that sometimes, you are a creature in need of others. Paradoxically, this will make others open up to you more, because they will feel that you can relate to their struggles. The most important step in this journey is the first one, because you probably tried to project this cool-guy persona that is always there for others. It may feel like you are betraying yourself at first, but the rewards are very worth it. It's like being able to breathe for the first time, that you don't always have to be strong for others. As always, this is good that you have these insights and that you are able to state your experience openly on this forum. Realization that this does not work for you is a big step in changing the way in which you approach relationships. The rest of the road is practice.

@DManKee I am not trying to be cute with spiritual proverbs here, this advice is to be taken literally. The voice that speaks to you, that tries to force you into doing things that you don't want to do, this is your relationship with yourself. Learn to be gentle towards yourself, notice that your mind is repeating words of other people (your parents, siblings, schoolmates, etc). If you learn to be gentle within yourself, you will naturally be more gentle towards others and have less problems in social situations. Arrange your inner voice so that the way it speaks to you feels good. This is easier said than done, but psychotherapy may help. Hire a person that will talk to you in a loving way, so that you can internalize and focus on that voice.

@Magnanimous Please don't fool yourself into believing that there is anything wrong with material possessions and that you have to "burn" through them so that you can get into a better place. What you want is exactly what you should be doing. regardless of whether it is meditation, sex, chasing money, or whatever else, as long as it brings you true fulfillment.

Your inner child is scared and misses her. If you want to show yourself support, tell yourself that you will always be on your sidez eve if she's gone. And go pay her a visit, your inner child will be happy.