tsuki

The dust after the commotion seems to be settling in. I landed a job in a small local company that deals with cryptocurrencies as a C++ developer. Major career shift, but it seems to be OK. The pay is better and they were genuinely interested in having me aboard. So much so that my spider-sense is tingling, saying that it's too good to be true. I don't believe it though. I'll talk the terms of my leave through with the CEO today. I'm very excited and a little bit scared, but I decided to trust God and I will welcome the lesson with gratitude. With all this racket, I did not mention that I'm attending catechumenate and learning about Catholicism. I intend to join the Church if their teaching confirm, or elaborate on my experiences. So far, the they are are top-notch and it feels really good to follow this direction. I bought myself a copy of the Bible called "The bible of the first Church", which is a Polish translation of the New and Old Testament based on Septuagint. Apparently, the Bible that is in common circulation here is translated into Polish from Greek texts written around 1000 DCE. I had the opportunity of reading these translations almost side-by-side and the differences are very noticeable. So far, I have read through the Book of Genesis and I'm carrying on to the Book of Exodus. Unfortunately, my sex addiction is giving me a hard time recently (sorry for the pun). I have some new insights about it, but I'm not comfortable sharing them for now. Overall, I feel like re-visiting the early spiral dynamics stages and building my missing foundations. For some reason my life always seems ass-backwards to me.

@Raptorsin7 I have had some conversations with him and he's been of great help. I'll send him a message. Thanks man.

I know. If I got your advice three months ago, I would agree. I studied this stuff for years and it made no damn difference. It's time for action. I agree. I believe that changing the path of my career is a good choice. It won't give me happiness, but not realizing my dreams is giving me ungodly amounts of distress. I know that I can write great code and I believe that this path will give me greater independence. It may turn out to be exactly the same, but at least I will have the experience of seeing it for myself.

@Raptorsin7 I can see that you're trying to help me and I believe that your intentions are good. I definitely do misunderstand non-dual teachings and I can recognize that.

Yes, I do believe that I can change my happiness from within. I believed that I was doing that by staying present and allowing things to happen. What I was really doing is sedating my inner child with routine and preventing it from expressing its desires. This bottling up of desires is what opened the floodgates of unconscious anger that fueled my oppressive behavior towards my loved ones. I'm through with being passive.

That was my reasoning for tolerating this bullshit for 4 years. I thought that I can handle it, but I internalized it instead and unconsciously used my wife as an emotional punchbag. Supposedly, I am treated better than my coworkers and that somehow invalidates my claims that emotional violence is being used. That's gaslighting 101. I can't stand the way in which people speak to each other here. I leave this place filled with negativity. It's an oppressive, me-vs-them mentality. It works between groups of coworkers, workers and management, and management and clients. Juvenile cynicism spreads like wildfire, everybody is supposedly out for money, cheating, lying and stealing. The cherry on top is this pile of crap is the fact that me, a sex-addicted narcissist, is supposedly the most emotionally mature person to even see it and speak out. Right now I feel betrayed. I chose to trust the CEO and he turned out to be a fraud. I feel like I've been studying under a master that turned out to be the bad guy. I feel like escalating this to court is right, but I'm afraid of losing again. I don't want to get disappointed by the legal system again and confirm my belief that it's a dog-eat-dog world. My pride is hurt, but I fear that if I get the distance I need - I will forget and go back to sleep. I feel like if I let this go, my integrity will suffer. I made a promise to see this through.

@Raptorsin7 I have approximately 5 months worth of money to live off. My wife has another 5 months worth of money, but she saved them to start her company. My mother-in-law offered to help and I suspect that I can count on my parents. I don't want to be disappointed by them. My life is comfortable, but I'm not happy. I suppose this is the "purpose" part of this journal. I have a job interview on Monday as a software developer. I think that we're a match, but I'm hesitant because this company looks sketchy.

The CEO said that he had a serious talk with the manager and that he is going to look into this in the month after new year's eve. I know that he's lying and that he is enabling this behavior and exhibiting it himself. He could not comprehend how can you "motivate" employees in any way other than by yelling at them. He was offended when I suggested that you can motivate them in a positive way, by hiring right people and giving positive feedback. He said that he conducted an investigation and that he has notes from hearings signed by employees. That is a lie and I know it. He wanted to convince me that he's covered by law and that I don't stand a chance in court. Not literally, but that is the meaning that he was projecting. I bought a book titled "Emotional violence" and I'm going to give it to him for Christmas. He has a week after new year's eve to conduct a proper investigation or I'm going to escalate this to court to call him out on his bullshit. I'm severely disappointed because I believed in him. I wanted to believe in him because it was financially convenient. Everybody in the company was right about him and I knew it from the very start.

The battle for headphones is on. I was called out for wearing them in front of the computer today and I told the manager to give me a reason. He said that he does not have to give me a reason and that I won't be wearing them. To which, I replied that the CEO will have a different opinion and that these headphones help me work because I can focus better. I went to the CEO and described the situation to him. After some convincing, he said that he sees no problem when people wear them in front of a PC. Workshop floor is a different matter, but I don't listen to music there. With a triumphant look in my eyes, and headphones on my head, I waltzed right back to my desk.

What kind of stupid question is this? Stop drinking water and see for yourself.

@Raptorsin7 Thank you. I really appreciate it. Even a pat on the back is a lot right now. Coworkers seem to be supportive of me, but their fear is messing with me. There are a lot of rumors and accusations. I have a tendency of falling into me vs them mentality that I'm trying to expose in my manager. I will trust my gut.

So, the cat is out of the bag. The manager has learned about the letter but does not know its contents yet. He's now passively hostile. I was scolded for being my usual 5 minutes late. He was 10 minutes late in the morning and he was supposed to open the company door for my coworkers. He's also picking on the fact that I'm wearing headphones at work and forbid me from wearing them. The manager seems to be convinced that I made a letter describing his lack of technical skill in managing the workshop. He's been mopping the floor with my coworkers for the past two days, not realizing the this behavior is exactly the problem. The CEO is out on the business trip and should be back today, or tomorrow.

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks man. It's been a rough week. I hardly slept, lost two kilograms and I feel physically sick. I handed the letter to the CEO yesterday. After talking to everyone in the company, only me and one other coworker was willing to sign it. Everybody agrees with my assessment of the situation, but they are afraid of retaliation. They think that the CEO is covering the manager and that he won't fire him. People said that they will confirm the letter in person, but won't sign anything. I trust the CEO, we had a lot of deep conversations when we used to work together. I choose to believe in him. I do not hate the manager. He's sick and I feel compassion towards him, but I won't enable his addiction to power. I spoke with two employees that were called to the CEO's office yesterday and they both told me that they confirmed the contents of the letter. They weren't asked to sign anything so it wasn't a formal hearing. I'm having second-thoughts about leaving the company because I have no backup plan for my employment . I will see this thing through so giving my resignation on the January 1st may be too rash. On the other hand, I stand by what I wrote and I don't want to work for a company that supports emotional violence. Two days ago, I heard the manager talking to one of the employees on the corridor with his signature tone of voice. I couldn't contain myself and wept. I can't have this.

It's been a while since I posted and a lot has changed in my life. Currently, I'm fighting against emotional violence in my workplace and actively working to get my manager fired. I found three coworkers that were willing to speak out, but two of them dropped out right before the CEO's office. The CEO said that he was not aware of the extent of it and seemed genuinely shocked. I said that if he is not fired by 1st January, I will hand him my resignation. Right now, I am writing the letter from the staff where I describe his behavior and I am hoping that many coworkers will sign it. Some of them seem to have normalized this behavior and dismiss it as normal, but some are genuinely pissed at him. I feel like I'm living in the matrix - people seem to have forgotten things that were happening not as long as week ago and chat along happily. It makes me feel like I'm oversensitive and it is exactly how a victim would feel. Thankfully, my wife is supporting me.

classic

@Zigzag Idiot You have influenced me a great deal and I'm thankful that we've met here.

@dimitri Your photos are beautiful. I love nature.

I quit coffee few months ago because it was screwing up my meditation practice. For the first week I experienced heavy headaches and abysmal sleepiness to the point where I had to take it very slowly. I miss the taste and associated lifestyle but overall, I feel clearer. Like I'm not overstressing my brain. If you feel useless to your employer, I'd suggest reframing the issue. Are you really the employee that your employer is hiring, if you have to stimulate yourself to cover up your low days? Aren't you perhaps selling the well-being of your body? Are you doing that for money? Are you perhaps trying to please your boss with your performance?

In my experience, self-esteem issues are never about the lack of external accomplishments. It is entirely possible to be a PhD with an impostor syndrome, feeling worthless for wasting so many years on education when there is this guy that is a CTO of a promising startup without even having a basic degree! If I were you, I would investigate why you are pursuing science in the first place. Chances are that you were conditionally loved by your parents and they gave you affection for being curious.

@Onecirrus Imagine a child playing with legos. The child has no problems (it feels safe), but it still plays a game that poses a challenge (problem). We're not adults because the child is gone and we're not playing anymore. We're adults because the child has learned to be its own parent and plays games that are valuable to others.

@Shakazulu The booklist mentions a book specifically about that. It had a profound impact on my marriage.

@Arcangelo