tsuki

@Gnosis What I was trying to say, is that I experience having something impure within me as perceiving the world conditionally. If I were struggling with myself, I could dislike the fact that there is red in Jesus' rainbow and miss his presence entirely. So the only one that can unconditionally love you, is you. If you don't, then no amount of cheerful winks are going to help you out of your predicament.

What would the experience of meeting an "unconditionally loving person" be, when something that needs to be purified comes up within you?

I'm so pissed!!! I just found out that my wife has been reading my journals and reacting to them! I'm trying to work through my beliefs about her looks and now she's all in tears. Hey @Nahm, I've been thinking about switching to encrypted journals on the PC. So far I've been writing them by hand, but that's not an option anymore. Do you think that there's more benefit to writing them that way? I'm also getting passionate about emacs which I use at work for programming. I love that editor, I'm gonna write on PC!

Thanks @remember. How are you doing lately? I made a commitment today that I will sit down every day during the week and journal privately. I will do that even if I can't think of anything to write, even just a few words to build a habit. I had so many emotions bottled up today. Got pissed at my wife and we even had a fight two days ago. I sat down and wrote for half an hour, probably 3-5 pages and I feel soooo much better. Being in the range of contentment instead of rage is a such a big difference! This needs to be my priority, especially because I'm learning at work so much and I used to use the computer to escape myself in my childhood.

I've been letting myself down lately. When I'm stressed out, I get into the work mode and I'm not taking proper care of my needs. I've been neglecting myself for the whole week. Today I'm teaching the kids. I wonder how will that work.

@Martin123 You're awesome, keep on rockin'.

I thought that as well, but it seems like people here understand how difficult it is and give each other space to explore, learn, etc. At least that's what I'm experiencing right now and for these past two days I haven't heard any of the stuff that would happen at my last work regularly (screaming at employees or downright degrading them). Yesterday I realized that I was so tired because I was in my headspace for the past two days and my emotions were bottled up. I started journaling and felt much more at ease. Couldn't contain myself yesterday. Why would I ever behave as if it was necessary to do so in the first place?

Funny should you mention emotional dreams. I just had one today. For whatever reason I was absolutely mad at my mother, totally enraged, throwing things, yelling, screaming and generally demolishing the place. I was acting this anger out because I wanted my father to help me calm down, but I was so mad that all I could do is just scream. My wife woke me up because I was moaning (screaming?) in my sleep.

I'm so tired when I get back home that I have zero energy left to think. Not thinking is so awesome. Just sitting in my belly like that. I'm so happy. As an added bonus, I started to ride a bike to work. Love it, even the fact that I got wet on my way back home twice!

Absolutely love the new workplace environment. People are relaxed and I'm actually interested in what I'm supposed to do for a change. Super excited for tomorrow.

First day at the new work, I'm excited and hopeful. The people seem genuinely nice.

That would be a lovely name for a new character.

Today I'm the last day at my current work and starting from Monday, I will be at a different company working as a C++ programmer. I had a loyalty agreement here where I would refrain from being employed as a competition for 12 months and in return they would pay me 1/4th of my current salary. After I found a job that pays 1/4th better in a different sector these fuckers gave me a notice that cancels that agreement because they don't want to pay me. Fuck these pricks! I'm glad because they are not honest people and I would worry that they would try to lie and sue me for disclosing some information about company and extort money from me. I'm so glad to be over with them! Nothing ties me to this place anymore and my life is going to be amazing. From now on, I will be doing something that I'm more passionate about, has better employment prospects and actually pays better. My new employer seemed genuinely happy to have me on board. I'm excited to see how it will turn out!

I started wondering about something related to the asymmetry of reality in relation to: I wonder if saying that something is good is a judgement? I think not! Maybe it feels bad to say "Judgement is bad" because "is bad" is a lie? That is why all judgments, understood as "is bad" feel bad? Now I'm even questioning whether "feels bad" is a judgement or not. If "bad" is a feeling as expressed in "feels bad", then it is not a judgement. But saying that "I have a bad feeling" is a judgement, huh? As if some feelings were bad somehow.

Hmm... It feels bad to think that.

@remember I'm keeping this place safe after she's gone. Get out. Now.

The only way to be good is to feel good.

Oh my god, it's so simple. So simple. It's so simple that it's totally outrageous! All it takes is to follow your heart, listen to what feels right and surrender to it! It will cost you your self-concept, the way you think you are, but the payoff is worth it. Good riddance!

I think like the insight you're trying to convey is a personal one. No clue what you're talking about, but I'm glad that you're having fun .

I was under the impression that Sadhguru does not disapprove of psychedelics in themselves, but rather of addiction (reliance on external substances). He is marketing his own method this way, which is supposedly free of such reliance.

All I ever wanted is to feel good, which is identical to being myself AND being truthful? What the actual fuck?! Who would have thought?! It's JUST that?!

I still keep giving authority over what I feel to other people. Why would I ever do that? Why would I ever look for someone else's approval if I can approve of myself? I can't understand this, why would it be this way, why would I habitually choose to give my freedom away? There is absolutely no benefit to it, it's not like even other people can appreciate it when I give them power over me! All I do when I give myself away is to piss myself off. This is so unbelievably stupid! This realization is so freeing, so beautiful. I feel like I don't need anything anymore.

@mandyjw I guess that when the ox is finally tamed and driven back home, there is no difference between ego and awareness. For now, it feels so much better to feel love, connection and freedom rather than the other end.

Reality has this interesting property that existence is asymmetric. There is light, but darkness is merely the absence of it. There is love, but hate does not exist, it is the lack of love, the distance to it. Then, there is freedom so absolute that you can tie yourself in knots and be constrained. The reverse is not true. You cannot have so much darkness that you will start to see. You cannot hate so much that you start to appreciate the other person. Finally, you cannot be so constrained that you will feel that you are truly free. Maybe he's appreciating that fact within spirituality, that presence and separation lie on the same spectrum? Still, it takes a hell lot of awareness to appreciate the highs and lows of emotional turmoil.