tsuki

@mandyjw that assumption is also unhelpful and related to cultural judgement of mental illness. Tuberculosis is not related to enlightenment and you are not fundamentally flawed fo having it.

Not related in the slightest. Spreading misinformation about mental health is harmful and dangerous to people that are afraid to ask for help.

@Fuku These questions will be direct, but I want you to keep yourself open and not hide behind a persona. If there are any socially unacceptable answers to this that come to mind, I want you to explore them. Write whatever comes to mind, unfiltered. What are your views on women? What is your relationship with femininity, especially your own feminine side. Are you comfortable expressing your emotions when you are in company. Are you bottling in difficult emotions in (anger, fear, etc) when in company? Are you comfortable with these emotions when you are alone? What is your relationship with your mother? How deeply have you explored your childhood? Are you aware of unconscious patterns your parents have programmed you with? Do you know of your inner child and do you have a relationship with it? As children, we are a part of a family dynamic and tend to instinctually fill up empty spots, or niches, that the family needs. We tend to get attention from our parents when we're serving a purpose in the overall dynamic. We need this attention regardless of whether it is loving, or hurtful. These niches then become unconscious patterns that the inner child plays out unbeknownst to you. This can manifest during sex, when you are very open and vulnerable. I would look for the reason why you have these fantasies in the roles you were serving as a child. You may have experienced your mother's overprotectiveness as hurt. You may have been women's protector and witnessed their hurt. The reasons are very circumstantial and deeply important to you, but forgotten for some reason. I would not underplay the significance of the fact that the conscious part of you fears this impulse to be dominated. I have experienced a similar feelings with respect to my own fetishes about dominating women. I was expressing anger at my family for never loving me in the way that I needed and making me into a source of problems to "fix". This is all obvious looking, but to actually experience your own depth for yourself and have these emotions come up is a complete mindfuck. I literally misconstrued in my mind what love is so that I would believe that my parents loved me and that I had a happy childhood. TONS of problems in my adult life originated from this false belief. This is how much we need our parents as children and if we don't take conscious ownership of our vulnerable selves, they will keep reminding us. I would also recommend reading Alice Miller's "Drama of the gifted child". The book is very short but packs a punch so is a good start. See if it touches you deeply, on a personal level. You may be at a loss of words, unable to name what you feel, but crying will feel good. "Homecoming" written by John Bradshaw is a good manual to work with your inner child. You seem to be a creative person so this work may be very natural to you.

@Don Wei Hey man, I'm very sorry that you went through all of this without support from anyone. Thank you for opening up and posting this thread here. It was a very brave thing to do and the fact that you decided to heal your wounds is admirable. I don't have much advice given how much has been said in this thread. The only thing that i'm going to say is that you should realize that it was not your fault. It is never your fault for being taken advantage of. You can learn from this, you can be wiser next time, but it was not your fault. There is a big pressure on us men to behave like we don't feel anything, but this pressure is false and harmful. The fact that you took ownership of your heart and made a decision to heal makes you much more of a man than most men will ever even aspire to. This is how sorry the state of masculinity is and this is why I consider you to be a hero. Good luck and godspeed!

Dark freakin' souls.

Hahahaha! Gets me every time! Are these custom assets? That took some real dedication!

Reposting because I feel like it did not get enough exposure.

Didn't get off the forum but stopped judging myself for it. Came here to say that I went through some of Leo's blog posts and watched the videos about science. Witnessing people casually mentioning areas of mathematics that I worked my ass of to learn brought me a proper experience of the sublime. I can stomach a lot of "smart" as a capacity for the abstract, as wit and humor, or as profound communication. What really gets me every time is the amount of work that these scientists have done to actually learn the facts that they try to account for in their theories. This has always been my weakest point, I saw no real use of learning how things actually are. Seeing people that can do both - abstract and concrete - to a degree that is beyond my comprehension has left me properly floored and I am grateful for that. I miss mathematics.

No, that is not what I meant. We were trying to disrupt each other's beliefs for a long time and it's called arguing . It's pretty easy to see the blind spots of others and pointing them out to them is not all that helpful when unsolicited. What I meant is that when I recognized my own beliefs and were able to look past them, then I was able to speak about them in a non-defensive way. Showing her that I no longer subscribe to them gave her encouragement to take ownership of her own beliefs. I'm taking care of my beliefs and she is taking care of her own beliefs. That may seem like a completely normal and obvious thing to do until you actually do it. We support each other when we fail to take ownership of these beliefs and let ourselves be triggered into reactivity. When I'm triggered, it is not like she is able to lead me out of it on her own. It takes my awareness to do so, but pointing out the fact that I'm triggered in a loving way helps me to realize that. For now it is easier for me to point out the fact that she's triggered though. She still has a tendency to shut down when I'm triggered, but I'm getting good at seeing this, so in a way I also get my feedback. This all sounds like relationships 101, but it's always about the basics. It's just that basics are very paradoxical and counter-intuitive for the mind to grasp.

The ones that I described in the first post.

It got a lot easier when I'm clearly seeing what I used to believe. Thanks to this what I say is aligned with how I behave. Paradoxically, when I took ownership of these beliefs and presented them as mine, my wife is much more willing to do the same so we can support each other when one of us gets triggered. It's usually a mess when we're both triggered though, but thankfully it does not happen all that often anymore.

Thank you I think that you misunderstood that question, but I learned to let these things go One way to find out I do, and there is no "but despite your thoughts...". Love has a very different ring to it when you're past the romantic phase. It's about listening and openness. She loves me too and she's well too aware of my struggles. It is difficult for her to not take it personally because she has an opposing fantasy of being so awesome that I will never want another woman ever again. Our inner children used to fight about that a lot. I've yet to meet one person that is conscious of the impact of their childhood on their adult life that says that their parents were enough. That is why we're here - to learn from their mistakes. Intimate relationships are a very effective way to grow each other.

In case you're thinking that speaking about your not-so-favorable past is a no-no, let me present you with a counter-perspective. She will trigger you. You will trigger her. You will fight. She will fight. Without getting to the bottom of why you're incompatible (because all real relationships will inevitably show that), you will not know how to navigate your traumas. Compromises and conscious, loving, attention to the other's brokenness will have to be made. Acceptance of irredeemably irrational and self-destructive coping mechanisms will have to occur. And in the end, you will have to decide to help each other out and turn the blind eye to the other's (hopefully occasional) toxicity. You will BOTH have to commit to do that. Simultaneously. Commit and coordinate that for the rest of your life in ever-changing circumstances, oftentimes out of your control. Having the shield up won't cut it. You need the sword up and pointing outwards, with her doing the same to have your back. Good luck!

I've heard that many times from various people in two different languages. Is it an idiom, or do I communicate this lack of knowledge somehow?

Thanks. I always pretended to know this, showing my concern etc, but this is actually not something that can be done. This happens by itself when I'm free of my delusions and fantasies, coming into the situation with presence. I want more

This is basically the biggest struggle that I'm bringing into my relationship. Before I met my wife, I had sex with just one other woman in a highly unusual situation, so it is by no means normative. When I was young, I used to judge the hell out of myself for being single so it is still a kind of trigger for me when I compare myself with others in this domain. I don't want to end my marriage and I will not resort to cheating, so my only option is to work through this. Working through this entails understanding the reason why I want to have sex with many women. So far I got that I constructed a belief about what a successful man does and that includes sleeping with many women. I also believe that by having sex with various women, I will get better at having sex. Being good at having sex, delivering pleasure to women without getting to know them, is a big part of the fantasy. This belief is something that I compare myself to and in doing that I create suffering. By reacting to this suffering, trying to escape from it, I create the need to sleep with many women. The biggest breakthrough for me so far happened right after a mystical experience when I encountered Love. I understood that I constructed these beliefs when I was a teenager in order to pretend that I knew what sex really is. I understood that I have never truly experienced sex in my entire life, that I was always preoccupied with my beliefs and hiding behind a persona. It was pretty shocking to be honest, I never had sex in my life, even though we're doing it every few days. Lots of stuff dropped off when I realized this. The compulsion to ejaculate after penetration is a start, I can now stop having sex and walk off without taking damage to my pride. Generally speaking, I am much more focused on bringing pleasure to my wife and helping her open up. There is more presence involved and it is not contrary to getting lost in pleasure/sensations. So, my advice to your friend would be to investigate why she really wants to experience sex with many partners. I'm willing to bet that it is really some ancient, forgotten, mental pattern that she mistook for a biological process or curiosity. That, or maybe she's thinking about her relationship differently and it creates these urges for exploration. If that is the case, then she will not be satisfied with another, or 10, partners given that she says and looks like she is enjoying the relationship.

You're waaaaay too hot for that @Leo Gura It's really refreshing to see this more human side of you. Brings out all the stuff we're repressing. No, your insecure tears are too delicious! Sigh, alright, alright. I got all excited. I'll be good now

And if your cousins were unhappy, then why would they come to you to talk about that? Because you are open to the possibility that arranged marriages are not all that hot? And that you would understand their pain? You would get triggered just like you did when @Preety_India told you that you were wrong. And that happened on an online forum, not in person when survival is at stake! Women see right through this kind of falsehood and hide their pain from men in general. No, no, you get this wrong. My condescension is not fake, it's genuine. I despise men with no experience who act all-knowing. Like you, for instance, have no experience of being married. No experience of being married in an arranged marriage. No experience of seeing through biases with regards to other sex. No experience of being an abused woman. And yet, here you are talking about this stuff and shooting others down when they disagree with you. Pathetic.

This song is very special to me. The pacing of lyrics, its content and the buildup of tension is magnificent. It connects deeply with memories of mystical experiences. When I get into meditative state to listen, I am deeply moved, often to the point of crying.

Your post @Akemrelax is a perfect example of what @Preety_India described as "gaslighting". It suggests that you are in an arranged marriage, with a "happy wife".

@electroBeam That is a beautiful answer, exactly the one that I needed to hear and not the one that I wanted. Thank you.

@electroBeam Could you list some aspects of romantic relationships that you consider to be not survival based?

Lol seriously? Because I'm under the impression that it is a list that a man has to pass to be taken seriously by women. I really should leave my cave more often ?

I wonder why is it so difficult for women to admit out to having preferences in men? You girls sound ridiculous when you are defending these spiritual personas. There is nothing sexier than a woman that enjoys sex and knows what makes her feel good! And frankly, the list that Leo has posted is not really all that specific. LOTS of women will fit these criteria! It's just overwhelming to read this all at once so it's much more of a confidence check than anything else.

Alright, I got that part. Have a good day.