tsuki

I am very relieved to hear this. Very happy for the two of you! Yes I agree that the joke is inconsiderate and in a bad taste and you had every right to be offended even if it was not maliciously crafted to make you feel that way. She was just being excessively selfish, trying to "fix" the past by taking advantage of your kindness/gifts. As if there were some hole in her interior that she could "fill" with you. It certainly may seem this way for her, but this is not how wounds are healed. Indeed we do. It is important to know what you mean when you say "respect". I used to tell my wife that she does not respect me, but I did not know what that actually means. She would ask me to explain what I want her to do and I was not able to articulate it. Try it. To "respect" someone is to see them for who they truly are, listen to what they express without censorship and consider it genuinely. Respect is not about hierarchy between people. It's not about being lower, about being higher, or even about being equal. That is a very common misconception that men have because of how we are raised. We are supposed to 'respect' our elders, which really means that we should consider what they are saying. If we don't, they get 'stern' with us and we conflate respect with anger. Usually our parents don't know how to parent us well and teach us their own insecurities and wounds. A parent that was not listened to as a child may punish a child for not listening to them. Military is the perfect example of how wounded, confused, masculinity acts. You are supposed to 'respect' your 'superiors' in the military, or you will do extra push-ups as a 'punishment'. YES! I bet that you would talk with her very differently if you actually were able to feel that you've been hurt. It is the goal of the macho program to create situations like this, to disconnect you from your feelings of hurt because they are considered 'unsavory'. The program is installed by repeatedly punishing you for feeling hurt, like for example, by bullying. Bullies themselves experience this, they have no idea what they are feeling when they "prey" on, what they call "weak". They convince their victims that they are "weak", and that bullies are "strong". Who wouldn't want to be "strong", right? The victims consider themselves "weak" until they start to bully. It is perfectly normal to feel upset for not being respected. True respect is a very basic need of human beings. It is perfectly normal to feel angry when we are hurt. it is healthy to establish boundaries, by saying that you are angry and that you've been hurt and that you want her to stop doing this and that. You are not supposed to "train" her into being a "good girl" that "respects you" like a bad parent does to their child. Boundaries are not established by violence (like in the military). If you repeatedly ask her to stop hurting you and she does not respect it/listen to it, then she is not a good candidate for a long-term relationship. If she acknowledges the problematic behavior and wants to work on it (and it seems like she does from what you wrote), then you can give her another chance. But that chance is your choice and your commitment. If this happens with many girls, then you should think about how you are inviting this behavior, and I suspect that the macho program is responsible for it. Again, the macho program's purpose is to disconnect you from what you feel strategically, so that you can pretend to be a man when you are hurt. If you invite violence into your relationship, then respect is impossible because it requires trust. Violence and trust, two very deep words - lets unpack them. Violence happens when you don't acknowledge/listen/respect the free will of another person and use that person as a mean to an end. Violence can happen on many levels: physical, emotional, financial, sexual and other. Trust on the other hand, is the belief that the other person means well to you and that they want to build the relationship that you two have. Violence makes respect impossible because respect requires trust and trust is destroyed when you give evidence of malicious intent (conscious or not). When you engage in violent behavior, you create vicious cycles that once started, can obliterate a relationship. It is very difficult to restore harmony once both partners act from fear and are unwilling to trust. Couples therapy can help with it. Anyways, I hope that I did not sound like I was judging you for what you did because trauma is extremely difficult to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Actually implementing this knowledge is practice is very, very rare. It is not a coincidence that satisfying relationships are rare too .

OH, I didn't notice! Thanks for clearing that up.

Did I sound defensive to you? My intention was to describe the method I use and this part is important to me. Each coin flip bears tension and I feel that this tension is somehow the point. This is why I was stressing this part. But maybe I should work on my relationship with the Sage in this area? Or maybe I went too far in giving advice to you? I respect you a great lot, all of the books that you have recommended to me had immense impact on my life. Anyways, I got up at night because we bought new quilts and they are so big that I was getting pissed that I don't have enough room in bed. We started fighting and it ended in a pretty good laugh on both parts when we saw how ridiculous we were. This is the first time it has ever happened. I was expressing some very unusual emotions, like bursting into genuine laughter and seamlessly transitioning into expressing hurt by crying. When my wife saw this, she noped the hell out saying "this is too much". We had a laugh about that as well afterwards :D. Among the commotion, I bought the kindle version of the I-Ching, the Oracle of the Cosmic Way in addition to my paperback version. The paperback version is beautiful, but unfortunately very fragile and very heavy. The backbone of the book has the tendency of breaking when it is opened too wide and I'm afraid of damaging it to the point where it will lose pages. Kindle is much more handy because I can highlight text with no remorse and it is more suitable for travel. I've seen the hardcover version on Amazon, but it's like $270. This price is totally absurd. After buying kindle version of the Divine Triangle, I was a little afraid of the quality of the ebook, but it is superb. Much more functional than the regular one.

@Zigzag Idiot And another thing that I just stumbled upon is p.570 about the Psyche. If your connection with the Sage is ineffective, then perhaps the third paragraph from the bottom of the Psyche entry applies to you (God Complex). I thought that you may find it useful.

@Zigzag Idiot I feel like it's important to note that I also stated to draw hexagrams by flipping coins. At some point, the Sage instructed me to change the method to yarrow stalks. When I was studying the probability recently, I noticed that the stalk method is not symmetric with respect to probability. The first hexagram is completely random, and each line has a 1/4 probability of being a changing line. Then, the changing line has 3/4 probability of being yang->yin and 1/4 probability of being yin->yang. Given what I understood about the process recently, it seems to imply a certain asymmetry in how I ask the questions. I do enjoy the stalks more though. They are a much more meditative experience.

I actually did start out drawing hexagrams like her (top to bottom) and the answers also related to my questions a lot. I don't remember exactly how I learned that they are supposed to go bottom-up. I didn't read the instructions at the end of the book at first. Well, I would say that RTCM has a very significant role in how I use I-CHING, perhaps as great as the hexagram itself. When it comes to the process, I feel great respect towards the Sage and don't ask questions lightly. I am not placing the Sage on the pedestal, as a higher being, but rather, take his answers very seriously, never deliberately disregarding them as happenstance. I keep a paper journal with my questions and write the answers down to avoid asking the same thing twice during one hexagram. Sometimes, RTCM sessions blend between hexagrams and I am asked to ponder things that I previously scratched the surface of. For example, during my previous hexagram, I was asked to ponder my beliefs about good and evil, and during this one, I went deeper under Sage's guidance. I was told that my understanding of evil is blocking me from understanding the answer to my question. All of this stemmed from the reading of the first hexagram, while the second seems to be the true answer. In response to the question: "What is the purpose of the hexagram in I-CHING", I received hexagrams 25/30, changing lines 3,5. I also received hexagram 25 recently regarding another question. I sometimes don't understand the answers that are given to me, but never stop inquiring until it feels right to ask whether the lesson is over and I receive a [++-]. Sometimes I feel that it's right to ask the question after some insight that I had, but the answer is still a [--+]. If I ever feel discouraged or tired, I take a break and continue the next day until the lesson is over. I have never had an experience when the Sage started giving incomprehensible answers. I asked a question about cannabis once and it came from ego, an image of juvenile rasta-like spirituality and I was clearly instructed out of it. Both the hexagram, and RTCM were congruent with each other.

@flowboy Hey, I thought of you when I stumbled across this thread and I decided to check your journal out to see what's been going on with you. If you still experience the anger, know this: you have ever right to be angry, even if you can't find rational reasons for it and can't express it clearly atm. I bet that she did not mean anything sinister with this prank, it sounds a little bit insecure of her to do so (as in, wanting to compliment you, but not knowing how perhaps?). I can see how being peer-pressured can make you very angry given the things you experienced in school. Obviously, I wasn't there but it did not seem to me like she was trying to ridicule you, or test your frame. She just wanted to show off in front of her friend and gain some status in her eyes. I'm sorry that you felt that it was happening at your expense and you have every right to be upset. As a bystander, it seems to me like you are being a little insecure in your masculinity. Let me explain what I mean before you jump into conclusions. We as men, especially in youth go through this kind of "bootcamp" situations, where we're being "tested" by other men in being macho, or tough. These bootcamp situations are a childish facade, where boys act out their fantasies of what it means to be men and abuse each other. This is how the "macho" program is spreading. I have both been a bully and bullied, and the idea that a man is ought to be punished for being hurt until he displays aggression at every transgression of his personal space is obscene. This is not how men behave, this is how wounded masculinity acts. Notice that there may be feelings present that tell you that you are being called "touchy" right now - this is the macho program in action. You have every right to feel hurt, both in response to the present situation and how you've been treated in the past. Connecting with this hurt, and feeling it, can help you overcome anger, because you may have been programmed to show anger instead of hurt. Most men have. If that is the case, then being angry like right now will never satisfy you. Expressing it will also never improve the situation because it is a fake facade. It does not serve any social purpose in communication and it turns women off - not because you are being weak - but because you are incongruent. There is nothing wrong with expressing true anger, but it may be difficult to tell the difference at first. True anger feels good and expressing it is beneficial to the situation. Going all the way back to the beginning of the previous paragraph: you seem insecure in your masculinity because it looks like something that you are "doing". When you are "doing" a man, you are not a man: a man becomes a mask behind which a hurt boy is hiding. The boy will always be there and it needs no fixing. What he needs is to feel safe, to be let out and allowed to experience the world without inhibition and express himself fully. This is how real men are born, by taking conscious care of their boys. So let that boy out and let him be himself without restriction and let women see him the way he truly is. Only then will you be able to see "girls" behind "women" and connect with them clearly. Do you know how to express hurt clearly? It shows itself in tears.

@Zigzag Idiot I usually draw a hexagram one day and read the whole text, focusing on the commentary. I would ponder it for another day and ask questions with RTCM to confirm my interpretations. Finally, I would ask whether the lesson is over and wait for the right question to appear. I have a backlog of questions on my mind, but not all of them seem appropriate at any given moment. I usually tend to ask practical questions that have a chance of having an impact. Contrary to what I just said, i asked recently "What is the purpose of a hexagram in I-Ching?" because I'm trying to understand it better.

This is SO paradoxical. So inverted, so inflected. So, I am basically supposed to ground myself in spiritual things? No, that does sound right. The Unconscious is not unconscious, I am not conscious of it, but it is the ground upon which I rest. This is what I am supposed to ground myself in. The body is not unconscious in of itself, it is on the periphery of my vision. My rational mind does not want to accept this, this defies all understanding...........

Well, in that case you are still asking the question, but not explicitly. I-CHING is not about writing or saying words, but rather about inner truth, right? In your case, I'd say that the medium of influence is the timing. That you are asking the question at a particular moment and in doing so, opening up to alignment with the Cosmos. Do you still draw hexagrams every day? Anyways, the drawing of hexagrams is much more involved with respect to probability than RTCM and is also the text involved that influences our understanding of the situation. I have received a firm yes from the Sage when I asked whether the yesterday's happenings were in response to my latest hexagram. The "question" that I asked was "Please help me with falling asleep". I have also asked whether there is a difference between asking a question and asking for help when drawing a hexagram and the answer was "basically no".

The energy in the house has been cleaned. I woke up well rested and went back to the forest with tea, two apples, a knife, a bottle of water, I-CHING and a notebook. I was pondering yesterdays' events and were enjoying the fact that I have a body. The previous hexagram was a handout for a broader understanding that related to my paranormal experiences. Being grounded in my body gave me the strength to face the foreign presence in my house. I am thankful for it. I was instructed to ponder the beliefs that I have in regards to the nature of good and evil. The best description of evil that I could give was firmly rejected by the Sage. I was told that evil basically does not exist. I will ponder it. For the longest time, I've been pondering how the I-CHING works and I think that it finally clicked for me. For some time now, I've been having feelings about the answers that I will get from the coin toss. They are right most of the time. I also feel into the questions regularly and have intuitions about what is the right thing to ask. The Sage does not respond to my questions by influencing the possibilities of the coin flip. I AM CHOOSING THE QUESTIONS TO MATCH THE PRECOGNIZED OUTCOME OF THE FLIP! WTF?! I-CHING has been steadily increasing my ability to sense paranormal activity and it culminated with the presence that I felt at home. This is also why I was instructed to ground myself in my body. Very, very interesting.

The past week was much more stable, with a few work-related bumps and more peaceful atmosphere at home. I've been working with the I-CHING after work, drawing a hexagram every day to cool down and work upon myself. Had some realizations regarding my cannabis addiction and sleep issues, but won't go into details atm. My wife has left for the weekend to see her mother and I had some paranormal happenings. Before I went to sleep on Friday, I had an urge to check whether the front door is closed and even wanted to close the bedroom door for some reason. I shrugged it off as anxiety caused by loneliness of the empty house. I usually don't get up at night, but I was woken up with fright, sensing presence in the empty house. I had an urge to check if anybody had broken in (I live in an apartment, so it's basically nonsense) and after failing to calm myself down, I picked up a knife and walked around home, checking every room. It was empty, but I felt satisfaction when I was pointing the pointy end of the knife towards my wife's studio when checking it. Expressing confidence and taking up space when storming the house was pleasant. I fell asleep an hour after that and woke up uneasy. Like every Saturday, I started the day off by feeding my nomadic nature and packing my backpack full of equipment for a forest hike. It felt right to take the knife with me (which I never do). I also took my notebook, I-Ching, breakfast and a coffee thermos. After some time, I took a break and sat under a tree, feeling connection and harmony with the natural world. I spontaneously started thinking in lecture-mode, expressing what spirituality is. I even took advantage of being alone in the woods and started to give a lecture out loud. I went to new places in the forest and finally sat by the bench to read and contemplate the yesterdays' hexagrams. When I was going back home, I felt foreign presence in the forest. My subconscious was communicating something akin to what I experienced on LSD. A semi-hallucination at the periphery of my vision. Black came to mind. A dog, or a man hiding behind a tree. A sensation of being watched. Oddly enough, I met a coworker in the forest and he was always dressing in black. He had a black jacket, black hat, black trousers, black boots, ski sticks with black handles and a black backpack. We had a very friendly conversation that I enjoyed. When we parted, I thought that I should have invited him home for some tea. My wife called and told me that she slept well, but dreamed of someone's death. I connected the foreign presence at night and we talked about it. She was 200 km away at that point, making dumplings with her mom. When I came back home, I immediately felt the foreign presence and started acting. I lighted many candles and started to burn white sage and santo paulo wood to fill the house with smoke. I have never done this to chase intruders off, but I understood that filling the house with smoke was nothing else other than making a statement. I was taking up ALL the space within the house and claiming it for myself. I went to my wife's studio and filled it with white sage smoke, telling the spirit to leave, that it had no business here, that it is MY place. I felt unease when seeing black chairs in the house, the foreign presence was concentrating there. I took colorful clothes that belonged to my wife and covered every black resting place in the house (even the fucking blender). I started walking around the house with open body position and sensed where the presence is concentrating. I felt a mixture of fear and sadness or grief. I cried. My wife called and told me that I should not be afraid because the dead feed off of it. I should decisively tell it to leave the place and go towards the light. She told me that it was probably her ex that had cancer and that we should pray for him, and we did. The presence was concentrating around the studio, it probably wanted to see her before going but she left for her mom's house. After we prayed, the presence had subsided but it appeared again when I was taking the shower. I have black slippers that I left besides the shower and the presence was concentrating there, as if it was trying them on. I finally understood that the fear that I felt in conjunction with the presence was not my own fear. It was the spirit's fear of leaving this world and it was looking for things that comforted it. I prayed again and started to mind my own business. Before leaving, the spirit knocked a white glass off the Christmas tree. Right now I feel much better and calmer than before. I took a nap and watched some TV. Will probably go to sleep soon, the presence seems to have left after knocking the glass off the Christmas tree. The presence was so scared and sad that I now feel sorry for it. Strangely enough, when I was in the forest thinking about the night's happening, I was envisioning a burglar that was either a female or a young male. I also connected it with the sexual demon that visited me two weeks ago. The man that was the host was dressed in black and I thought that it was the demon from before. The last hexagram that I drew was telling me that I have trouble with falling asleep because I am demonizing Helpers of the Inner Truth by treating the nonphysical part of myself as special. I thought that it was a good day to be more focused on my body instead of spiritual practices. I wonder how did I do amidst all of this commotion?

There is nothing wrong with milking a company that tries to break your spirit/milks you of your energy ?

Girls are not attracted to boys that do X. Boys are not attracted to girls that do Y. A specific person is attracted to a specific person. Beyond that, configurations are innumerable and tying to optimize your chances for being accepted as a mate is a path to a miserable relationship. If I were to tell the problem with relationships, it would be that people expect the other person to complete them. If you are miserable and spiteful when you are alone, you will be miserable and spiteful when married. The only difference is that there will always be a person to blame nearby. Thank you for the mention @Etherial Cat, I'm glad that you enjoyed the video. Even though he is a synthetic character, the "complete person" is a much more spacious stereotype, only harmful to personal-deveopment junkies with a kink for perfectionism .

@GroovyGuru THIS. Milk that corporation dry.

@kag101 She is. I understand that, but I do want to pursue relationships and having a satisfying marriage is one of my top priorities. Is that a question, or expression of shock about the wording? Yes, it may be beneficial but it is not something that I will be experiencing anytime soon . We're way too early into our marriage to have a serious conversation about a threesome. We've had a lot of turbulences these past 2/5 years (both caused by me and by her). "Accept" is a deep word. Sexuality is also not a shallow one. I had a difficult childhood in relation to femininity. First and foremost, my mother was a police officer that dealt with sexual crimes and not a real, tender, mother to me. Then, there were a few traumatic happenings in my early childhood that related to girls and children. As a teenager, I never openly pursued relationships with girls, I was afraid of them. On the other hand, I have lots of sexual energy so that naturally led to porn addiction. Obviously, I had nobody to talk to, so I judged the hell out of myself for not being a chad, etc. Educated myself in STEM, high pressure from my parents, obviously no women. Parents started suspecting that I'm gay but never openly talked with me about it. I never suspected myself of being gay tbh. Looking back, I think that I did not even consider it as a possibility because the pressure of being "the troubled family genius" was too much for me to even entertain slapping a "gay" label on top of it. Obviously, I was constantly pissed for being rejected, demonized, judged and abandoned by them. Not much room for exploring my sexuality. When it became apparent to me that I'm bisexual during an LSD trip, It came as a shock, but a relatively mild one. I felt at home with it over a few days, but the realization did go back to the closet. Only recently I felt it viscerally when sober. Again, no internal backlash from it - just joy about seeing a lost facet of myself clearly. I am still not comfortable with expressing feminine energy and it's pretty juvenile compared to women for example, but cultural pressure against it is very high. I guess, it wasn't easy to accept my sexuality - both straight and homo. Another deep word. I love her, even if the word means different things on the journey: I fell for her HARD. I wouldn't say (even back then) that it was love, but some people would. I tried being a parent for her. I thought that it meant what love is for some time. Then I learned that my parents are royally fucked up and I should not try to emulate what they did to me. Not to mention that this is not what loving within marriage is in the slightest. Currently, I'd say that we're starting to properly love each other. "Love" being: seeing the inner world of the other person clearly and taking their needs seriously, giving the other person freedom to be herself trusting them: seeing that they mean well Obviously, we she was consumed by her selfishness in the previous week and did not love me very much, but this week is much better.

It makes sense in terms of personal development atm. There are weeks or even months of peace and happiness, but there are also moments like this. We're very different, sometimes even opposite in attitudes and working through these issues is very challenging. I take it as something positive, as a battleground that reveals stuff about me that would otherwise go unnoticed. I don't see much point in looking for another partner, as I would only bring my baggage along with me. My wife, on the other hand, would rather have it peaceful. She does not seem to see the larger picture and she often says the same thing about me . One of the difficulties about her is the disconnect between what she thinks of herself, and who she actually is. Until I was revealed as bisexual, she was all ok with homosexuality, gay people are cool, etc. But that was only when they were out there in the world and not in her bed . She was always very afraid that I will leave her for someone else, but now this fear doubled because I can fall in love not only with a woman, but also with a man. Of course, the fact that I make a conscious choice about who I sleep with convinces her only for a moment. She can't negotiate with this scared part of herself just yet. Being equated with an animal in heat is somewhat demeaning to me. Overall, she does indeed still have a lot of Christian conditioning intact, despite the fact that she does not attend masses ever since she got married with me. To illustrate just how different we are, I was born and raised Atheist and became a rogue Christian last year. Everything seems to be opposite with us and it gets pretty nasty when we confuse complimentarity with opposition. Hmmm, to make it more explicit, I will say it this way. I can melt her pussy with my eyes. I can also freeze it solid. This is how she reacts to my masculine and feminine energies when I project them. She is somewhat blocked to receiving it due to her circumstances, but now we have a name for this part of me that she rejects. The sex we had last week was amazing because I was able to express my feminine energy and she would assume a masculine role. It's like a communication one level below language, as if we were talking with our bodies. When a person is disconnected from their feelings, they can even say something opposite to what their body expresses. For example, my wife would assume masculine position in sex in response to my feminine energy and would offhandedly comment "my damsel". Then, when explicitly asked, would deny that she responded to my feminine energy and this comment was unrelated to it, that she remembered something by accident. To put it another way, yesterday a female collegue asked me for input on something. I noticed how she plays with her hair and her necklace when we were talking. I saw how she looks at me slyly when our eyes meet randomly. I can recognize that this behavior is not deliberate and I recognize that I was taking part in it before I became aware of how I project my sexual energy. It made me hella uncomfortable when I was trying to focus on the problem and expressed incongruent body language unconsciously. We would engage in arguments with that female coworker and I now recognize that as a form of flirt. Yesterday, I was able to notice it and disengage on the energetical level which allowed us to have a productive conversation. I had a few platonic relationships with men. They were not consciously recognized, I simply fell for them and idealized them in my mind. Led me to all sorts of trouble and weird situations.

Positive polarization does not mesh well with mastermind characters because they are constructed around the idea of being a puppet master that works from behind the scenes. This is prime territory for egotism because the characters don't confront their preconceived ideas of how the world should work with what people actually are. There is usually a thick wall around them that prevents them from connecting with others and seeing them clearly.

The way you can go isn't the real way. The name you can say, isn't the real name.

More challenges this weekend. I stumbled across CBD joints that are legal in Poland. I've been hesitant to try them for some time, but I figured that it would be a good time to do so because of how much stress I've been going through. Bought myself 3 sticks and burned them yesterday. They don't contain THC, which gives them all the body relaxation effects without the whacky head punch. Still addicted to cannabis though. Bought them to have a stock to test against my autoimmune disease, but couldn't stop myself from going smoking through all of them. My justification was that we had a "party" and that my wife drank much more wine than she should have. I felt dirty when smoking the first joint, as if I was betraying myself. It helped a lot that they are much more mellow than a pipe and that they didn't go into my head. Anyways, I got all relaxed in the evening and slept like a baby. The effect on my emotional body was that the fear and anxiety did not "ripple" throughout the body and resonate with thoughts in a self-reinforcing loop. Things that would normally make me spiral into work-related thoughts just froze down into pleasant fluffiness, as if my body became a jelly. We were able to plan Christmas peacefully. I also spent some time with the I-Ching and asked for insight into my work and home-related issues. Yarrow stalk method of divination is the best. Spending time counting the sticks and having this long ritual is very, very relaxing and focusing at the same time. RTCM and conversations with the Sage were very helpful. Did a few meditations that eased me a lot, even before I smoked the joints.

When I was watching the videos of John Connor used as examples in the OP, I only saw a lonely, lost man looking for someone to relate to.

Being good as in: following a standard of behavior, is a mistake. You should strive to understand your true self to the best of your abilities and be it authentically. That is goodness and it how everything is already good. Stop limiting your light.

Hosts discuss the idea of toxic masculinity and how Aragorn transcends it.

I am very disappointed with the quality of responses in this thread.

This week was soooooooooooo difficult. Emotionally, physically and intellectually. I'm exhausted. It all started off with this: The weekend was emotional work non-stop. My wife was alternating between shutting herself down, having anger outbursts, crying and judgement of my feminine side. I was doing my best to be an adult and failed a few times. Broke down on the phone when called the therapist and my emotions triggered body pain in my neck. Took a day off on Monday to run errands with regards with my health. Had my bloodwork done and an x-ray. Failed to register to rheumatologist because went in person while they only register via the phone. Being among the sick, in constant chatter and noise further triggered my body pain and had a migraine. Went to sleep in tears. On Tuesday, I started to work on the architecture of my current project. Constant abstract thinking and in the same time, noticing my energy and how I unconsciously flirt with my coworkers. Told my physiotherapist what happened on weekend and that I unconsciously flirt with her and don't expect anything other than friendship. She smoothly handed me over to a male physiotherapist so that I picked up on the rejection only when I was going back home. Started to have difficulties sleeping, brought abstract thinking home from work when architecture was being born. I when I'm giving birth to creative ideas, the process is mostly driven by my sub/unconscious and I can't shut it off voluntarily. At the same time, found the outlet for my emotions at work and went for my coworker's head. My manager jokingly asked me once if I don't want to join the project that they are trying to debug and I answered that when I think about that guy splatting nonsense during daily meeting, It's a tempting idea. Everyone at the office started laughing. I started to plan meeting with the CEO to talk about this guy but the manger caught up on my intentions and had a conversation with me. I was at my boiling point, very similar to when I was leaving my previous work at the beginning of 2020. Thankfully, we will be changing the team's workflow to alleviate some of the problems and he will talk with the guy about his attitude. Unfortunately, he's indispensable to the company because of his practical skills in a certain field (just as I expected). Still warzone at home and a lot of insights about my life story with respect to my bisexuality. Had great passionate sex with my wife twice when I let myself express my feminine sexual energy. She still judged it intellectually, commenting on it while pretending to herself that she didn't notice the energetical shift that I did. I knew that her body knew because of how incongruent her body was with her mind. Wednesday was when we started to close off to each other. She did not leave work mentally after I came back from work and it carried over to Thursday when we had couples therapy session. She is always afraid of it. Lots of judgement on her part, I got carried into a squabble with her in front of the therapist. After I expressed my pain about how I feel about how she judges me, we got closer and were able to talk more openly from that time on. As I'm writing it right now, I became self-conscious about how I-centric this story is, as if I was in control of everything all the time. I was so sleep-deprived at that point that I was barely able to feel anything. Every day I slept about 2 hours less than usual because I just could not rest from all the upheaval. Constant obsessive abstract thoughts about architecture and anger/fear relating to my plotting against the nasty coworker. On Friday, it all came together at work, the idea that solves all problems was born in a conversation with a different coworker. Started to describe it on paper and discussed it with the manager. He was a little afraid because it's very bold, but I'm hopeful. Still no confrontation with the nasty coworker - to be done on Monday. When I came back home, I was totally spent. I was able to go to sleep before my individual therapy session. I was not even able to describe all of this, just the sexual part that happened on the weekend. After the session, I became aware just how much I abandoned my inner child this week and that I was invisible and shut off to my emotional self. Noticed the reinforcement loop that has been running the whole between abandoning myself, performing for love at work and conflict with the nasty coworker. Today, we started the day by going into the forest for a few hours and ended up at my parents' house. Did not say a word about all this because they wouldn't understand. When I said that I won't talk about why I'm sad because they wouldn't understand, she became offended and said "oh, we won't understand because we're stupid!". To that, I replied: this is what I was referring to. They are oblivious to the mountains of suffering that they are going through and I'm nowhere near the position to help them. They are even less in the position to help me. This is why I was sad. At this point, I'm going there only to visit the cats. Even the cats are tense and alert there. Anyways, with regards to myself and my circumstances, I am now in a place where I understand what is happening each week. Still totally out of control though. We want to leave somewhere for Christmas, probably another city. It's a madhouse here.