tsuki

@Zigzag Idiot I bought a modular fall/spring sleeping bag with optimal temperature of 0/-5 down to -15. It can be extended with an insert that serves as a summer sleeping bag so that it can also be used in winter. Pretty excited. I'm learning to choose the right boots. I thought about going for military boots, but now that I'm learning more about it, I think that I may be able to choose more specialized purpose but we'll see. Yes, I learned about this method. This is very practical I'm actually impressed by it. I wonder why regular clothes are not made this way. Would save a ton of electricity if we were more knowledgeable about it. Reminds me of Frank Herbert's Dune stillsuits.

I proclaim the year 2020 to be the year of my self-care. Through this exercise, I want to learn what my needs are and take full responsibility for satisfying them. This year, I will make meeting my needs my number one priority and will organize my days around it. This journal is the exploration of this theme. To keep it focused, I promise to myself that I will only post: Promises that I made with myself. Summary of research regarding my needs. I grant myself the right to let go of promises that turn out to not serve me.

Awakening/enlightenment is orthogonal to ego development/spiral dynamics. There is no such thing as "yellow" or "green" awakening. The person never wakes up.

@Zigzag Idiot Probably yes, but I never learned to fish properly. I live next to the Vistula river. Have you ever slept outdoors? I want to be able to spend multiple days outdoors, maybe do 3-5 day trips. I also started a new journal for 2021:

I absolutely love spending time in the forest and I've been very fortunate to do so often during my winter vacations. I recently felt that this need to spend time alone deepened. When I decided to let go of the old knife that I had and bought a new one, I learned about bushcraft and it sucked me right in. I remember that when I was younger, we used to go out into the forest to practice firing ASG. We would dress up in military outfits and train in a three person group. When I look back, the best thing about it for me was camping - making a fire and consuming food. For the past couple of days, I've been consuming a lot of videos on choosing the right equipment. So far, I've been collecting my gear from surplus military stock. It's cheap, durable and designed for the purpose. I bought a 60 liter British military backpack, sleeping bag and a bivy bag, Austrian army gore-tex anorak, and a softie and Czech army trousers. I still need some equipment, but I'm very glad that I bought these. Even though it's winter in Poland, contrary to popular belief, we had very little snow for the past few years so I think I will start my journey very soon.

Books written by Alice Miller. The Drama of the Gifted Child is very short and packs a truckload of punch. Previously mentioned John Bradshaw is also good. I read some of his "Homecoming". Very good.

Public service announcement: If you find a certain trait ugly, disgusting or repulsive, it does not mean that you are "not attracted to this trait". It means that you are being actively repulsed by it. That is a form of judgement and there are identifiable reasons for it. "Not being attracted to" means that you are able to hold space for it and experience it. When you are not attracted to short men, or fat women, it means that you can date or bang them but this trait does not contribute to their overall attractiveness. This is completely different from what people hear when someone calls their trait not attractive. They hear that they are inherently unlovable because they are a certain way. This is a self-esteem issue and can be overcome by learning the workings of the mind and freeing oneself from thinking in dualities. The second thing is that relationships are not built on equality. This does not mean that they are built on inequality either. Relationships are asymmetrical, non-complementary and people are incomparable. When a man is attracted to sex, but can't get any, then that man is not worthless. When a woman is attracted by money and has none, then she is not worthless. When a man is attracted by sex and finds a woman that wants money (and is not attracted by sex), then that woman is not worthless. When a woman is attracted by money and finds a man that is attracted by sex (and not attracted by spending money), then that man is not worthless. These two are not incompatible, they are non-complementary. This is very common in relationships to seek partners with complementary needs, but they are close to non-existent. It's far more common to negotiate these things and work for the common cause. If you let your attractions define your relationships, then you are doomed for repeated disappointments.

Paper journal is great for recording your contemplation progress. When I have to physically clear space for writing, my mind naturally calms down. I also find it helpful to write my thoughts with a calligraphy pen so that I slow down and focus even more.

Recently, I've been contemplating my relationship with housework, particularly with preparing my own food and general cleaning. I have lots of resistance to these things that I want to let go of. I received hexagram 63 and was directed to work with the Helper of Transformations in order to free myself from some of my beliefs. The first belief was about my physicality, pain and limitations. I perceive limitations as something evil and something to be overcome. This creates unhealthy relationship with pain, resistance, food and my body. I could not be anything in particular without being limited. The second belief is about house chores. I perceive them as "dead time", something to be performed so that I can do something else. Learning to appreciate these things for their own sake will be awesome.

I feel very sorry for you. It may be extremely inconvenient for you, but I would advise against trying to rush this. Spend some time each day for remembering moments with you mother. Feeling depressed, shocked and confused is to be expected. Conflicting emotions may arise, which is a normal part of grieving.

@kag101 Because it is one of the most difficult things that can be done in a life of a householder. Being in a close proximity to a completely different person and being friends and lovers with them will not let you stagnate, or play spiritual games with yourself. This forces you to embody your understanding. No. It's difficult to explain but I recently found a new avenue and this "bisexual" arc of my life has found a fruitful resolution. I think that a space for masculine behavior of women was being born into the conscious part of me, simultaneously with space for my feminine behaviors and needs. I do find some men attractive and we sometimes comment on them with my wife, but I don't think that I'm looking for having sex with them. On the other hand, I find it sexy when my wife displays masculine behaviors and I want to help her explore them. I am also more comfortable with expressing my femininity and it dovetails with my masculinity in unexpected ways.

2020 has been an amazing year, both positive and very, very challenging for me. I feel like I've grown a lot and this growth has shown me the basics that I don't have covered. Why is it always about the basics? Physical needs, emotional needs, creative outlets, having friends, freeing myself of my conditioning... This life, the life that I'm creating, is very different from what is marketed by culture. I am becoming a shaman, this is inevitable. For the past few days, I was still conversing with the Sage, this time, specifically about my relationship with money. It's pretty messed up and I've known it for a while despite hearing all about it ever since I got married. I am saving up to survive the Apocalypse that never comes, and always have trouble spending it even if I want something. I am purposefully denying myself pleasures to train for the moment when I will have no money. And yet, I do have it. A lot. I noticed that it is an ego trip, an excuse to escape reality. I am using this money to be reckless with life and I decided to let go of it. I will spend my personal savings on things that I want. But first, I consulted the Oracle. I sat in a meditation and asked the Helpers and the Sage to help me find my beliefs about money. I visualized having no savings, and an empty bank account. I visualized having no food. Mild panic occurred, but I immediately thought to ask my parents for help. Nothing happened. When I pondered this, I understood that it's about pride. I am proud of following through with plans, of being prepared for unforeseen circumstances. There is nothing wrong with being proud, but I am attached to pride. I have to feel it. When I pondered this with the Sage, it became apparent that it's linked with the emptiness that I felt for not having a real father. I kept contemplating this, picking apart what I felt as a child and actually experiencing this emptiness. I saw that my father was not there for me because I was reminding him of the absence of his father. I was the living reminder of the emptiness he's been avoiding. When I opened up, the Sage has helped me rectify my beliefs about money, but I was pretty shaken the next day. A lot of chaotic, urchin-like, boyish energy was coming up in destructive ways. When I was taking a shower, the aquamarine necklace slipped out of my fingers and a part of it broke off to remind me of my wounds. This necklace was a new gift to myself and it was very dear to me because of its soothing energy. Then, I got very pissed for no reason at the courier when he was delivering my new knife. I've been steadily removing items with stale energy from my life, the knife dates 15 years back when I was a very angry teenager. It bears a lot of resentment and I decided to let go of it after I cleaned it. My new knife is a tool for working with wood in camping situations and does not bear the killing intent the other did. Still, my urchin wants to slice all things with it. It finally found some rest today when I decided to get rid of the Christmas tree. I took the branches off with the saw-end of the old knife and did some carving of the stump with the new one. For the past few weeks I've been regularly going to the forest and enjoying it greatly. I find great pleasure in taking the thermos and food with me and reading I-Ching in the field. When I was choosing the knife, I learned a new word: bushcraft. It sucked me in real good. I was thinking of buying a bike, but I think that I will buy bushcraft kit and go camp in the woods when it gets warmer. The thought of having no savings scares me, but I will follow through. Money is too complicated for me for the time being. I want the basics. A knife, a sleeping bag, an axe and a backpack full of food. I think that the journal for 2021 will be called self-reliance, but I will do some numerology before I decide on that. Anyways, this journal blew up. 12k views, I can't believe it. If you are reading it, I would love it if you dropped a comment what interests you in my writings. I could use some compliments right now.

Happy new year everyone! Have a great alien invasion in 2021!

And yet, the foul feeling remains the same.

@Zigzag IdiotIIdiotI Sorry, android is getting weird and won't let me remove your name tag ? Anyways, with regards to the belief system that I developed recently, I asked the Sage "What is the true purpose of knowledge?" And I was instructed to contemplate the word "purpose" in the context of the question. The hexagram was 58/45 changing line 1 and 2. The RTCM session revealed that: It is not possible to answer such question because knowledge gas no "purpose" beyond being a tool ++- That beliefs warp purpose ++- That "purpose" creates expectations +++ And that knowledge itself creates purpose +++ I asked this question because I was pondering the answer regarding the system that I received. It seems that, by creating knowledge about the Oracle, I gave it a specific purpose which is not what the Sage wanted. I also created expectations which are counter-productive in this work.

Ffs, this discussion is obscene. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law?wprov=sfla1

If we want to develop a standard by which we consider people to be enlightened, I think that a good one would be to look at their nicknames. It's obvious that nicknames starting with "t" and ending with "i" express highest enlightenment.

The closest to enlightened nazi would be my favorite Martin Heidegger

Sigh, I've been exploring the meaning of Nature, as well as some other trigrams for the past week or so and it grew into a full blown system for describing I-CHING cosmology and human existence. It was amazing. Best thing I've ever written. It was so good that I did not believe that I came up with it myself, it felt as if it was channeled. As if Sage and I developed some amazing communication skills and I was going through one of the awakenings. As I was going deeper and deeper, I gradually lost touch with the Sage and the system started crumbling under its own weight. The culmination was when I met my family for Christmas. Nothing particularly nasty happened, but I felt like shit afterwards and the system has crumbled for good as it started to become self-contradictory. On the other hand, I started to feel very uninspired and stupid for playing this "game". First, I asked for help with my self-criticism after meeting my family. I got hexagram 58, no changing lines. Very appropriate. When I got through this, I drew a hexagram, asking to get in touch with the Sage again. I got 29/8, changing line 2. After deprogramming some beliefs that were lurking in the Abyss, I got a very brutal dream. Interpreting it has shown some ways in which I abuse the Oracle. The Sage has said that the whole system that I developed was dictated by the ego. There is no way to use this knowledge to use I-CHING better and no way to use it productively at all. The Sage has let it to continue to teach me the ways of the ego and to teach me about interpreting the answers that I get. RTCM is to be used only in strict relationship with the hexagram and not as a hotline. I should also stick to the text more accurately. What I learned is that I treat ego as a stain on my true nature, which is wrong. I was also taught a lesson about creating absolute systems of knowledge. Supposedly, this is a trait of the ego and it cannot be eliminated. I also learned that the only way in which I can tell whether I'm communicating with the Sage, or the ego, is to feel. Frankly, I will take the personal relationship with the Sage over any knowledge system that I create. But DAMN it was SO good! SO FREAKIN' GOOD! I will have to observe this feeling more closely.

If you take Sage's answers seriously, that's a very bold question to ask

@Zigzag Idiot For the past week or so, I've been contemplating the workings of the Oracle under the guidance of the Sage and I've made enormous shift with regards to my self-understanding. I was guided to seek the meaning of lines in trigrams and it led to many insights, some of which relate to what the Sage actually is. By using RTCM, you are tapping your Ghost energy that is expressed by the trigram Ken. Each trigram corresponds to a particular energy of your being. I will write a post describing the workings when I feel that it's appropriate.

@Zigzag Idiot Just to make sure, you did ask the sage for guidance on how to get rid of them, right? It's usually not enough to realize that you believed in something. Saying inner no is the closest to it, but the beliefs should be handed over to the Helper of transformations, either via linguistic thought, or mini meditation.

@Zigzag Idiot Hahaha! Were you able to identify the mistaken beliefs that you hold? Did any of the ones that were mentioned in the text sound like something you believe in? When I'm under the influence of the ego, I try to find the beliefs and ask the Sage whether I found the correct ones. Then, I ask whether I should perform a mini meditation. If not, I ask whether I should just hand them over to the helpers. Sometimes, it's about the wording and the Sage just chooses which word is more appropriate from the ones that come to my mind. The Sage does not retreat from helping us to deprogram beliefs. It is its purpose to teach us how to be free from the ego.

@Zigzag Idiot Another thing that came to mind is that you could ask the Sage about the results you are getting by drawing a hexagram. Maybe that's the reason of your results? My life lesson number is 47/11 so it's not unusual to develop paranormal abilities. As for your life lesson number, know that you definitely are one of the most inspiring teachers that I came into contact with. You are not flashy like Leo - the way in which you relate with the ones that recognize you is very reminiscent of the Sage. Very unassuming and modest, sharing in ways that do not come off as preachy, or judgmental. If it wasn't so obvious that your posts come from experience, one could gloss over them as mere excerpts of a bookworm. You are very secure in your wisdom, not needing to prove anything and letting your destiny play. "for those with eyes to see and ears to hear" I actually once inquired the Sage about his connection with Christ, but I was told that my curiosity comes from ego . Strangely enough, I was encouraged with a +++ to inquire into his nature recently.

If you neglect your body physically and emotionally, you will stress it and it will go into survival mode. Humans are omnivores, so going either way too far is not going to be healthy. Best to listen to your gut because it knows what it wants.