tsuki

Innocence.

Basically, when someone puts a buy order, they are saying that this stock is worth to them $X. If someone sells them that stock, then they say that they value $X over it. There is no "generation" of value in the exchange of the stock. You get cash for an item. If the buyer is right that the item will be more desirable in the future, then he will make money. If he is wrong about the future desirability, then he just gave his money to the seller. The "desirability" is not totally decided by the buyers and sellers. They base their estimations upon publicly available information and interpret it. For example, if the stock is the share of a company, then they inspect how the company is run and what plans they have for the future and general outlook of the economy. Since the information is publicly available, the buyer is competing with the seller for better predictions. This is the "creative work" that @Leo Gura denies. As for the "value" that trading provides for the society at large, they decide upon the current price of an item that is comparable to other prices expressed in the same currency. They give a crowdsourced context, a semi-objective, consensus-based, quantifiable description of the economy on the day-to-day basis. Thanks to traders, we can compare how companies fare on large timescales. For example, by comparing the exchange rates of fiat money, you can draw conclusions on how economies of countries fare, or how economies compare to each other. Today's price of BTC i $34011,10 and ETH is $1065.06. It means that BTC is 30 times more desirable than ETH with respect to USD. If I were to invest, I'd say that this is severely skewed and that ETH is much more valuable than BTC simply because of the the technology and possibilities it provides. Saying that all trading is evil and valueless is throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Happy and lasting relationships are built by resolving the apparent discrepancy between the two options you have identified. They both are important and relationships cannot be satisfying unless they are satisfied. There is no "caring for the significant other" besides recognizing what they truly want and consciously deciding to provide it for them. Genuine love between partners come from the openness to experience the other person without inhibiting their expression and helping them to thrive. There is no thriving in any sense other than satisfying physical existence that places certain limitations, wants and needs upon our environment. There are varying depth to "caring for the other", as we are all limited by our self-understanding. You cannot recognize the needs of others that you are not able to recognize within yourself first. The deeper you are able to connect with yourself, the better you can understand, and provide for the other. It begins with purely material needs, such as food, water, shelter, and proceeds towards more subtle ones, such as company, support, and higher to self-discovery and self-transcendence. It touches sex, emotions, money and all the various areas of life that you come in contact with.

I've been there. There are things constructed by the ego that fall away during awakenings, and there is you that is spontaneous and ingenious. What you had is the awakening of the mind, but there is also the awakening of the heart and the awakening of the body. Keep chipping away at it. There is a real you underneath all of the deception that is not merely a conditioned mental construct. The true purpose of the mind is to learn from that real you and express it via language. The trick is that your true nature cannot be fully grasped and "known" like the untamed mind would like it to have. This is how the ego is being constructed moment-to-moment, by confusing conceptual self with the real self. Feelings are the key to finding yourself. Good luck!

I didn't realize how much I relied on my therapist as a backdrop for my confidence. Now that I'm alone in this, I feel that on one end, my world has expanded dramatically, and on the other end, there is no authority to validate my actions. Not that my therapist did this, but I felt that she was the adult that I could come to for support and now I feel like I'm alone in this. It's both scary and freeing. Still settling into this predicament.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mathematical_finance Where are you getting these ideas from? Ludicrous! There is virtually no chance for anyone who is not "doing any actual creative work" to turn $1000 into $1,000,000 via trading. This statement is ludicrous precisely because there is no increase in the amount of money within trading exchanges. Your $1,000,000 is coming from other traders that put it in there. If it required no creative work, why would some win over the other? There are people who design modeling software that automatically trades stocks and models prices via big data analysis. These are the major players in the financial world that are at the top. How is that not creative work? The effect of running such software is that it becomes progressively more difficult to model price movements, but I'm not exactly sure how valuable is that. I am not denying that this is a tank full of sharks, but if you think that you are a shark, then by all means, go ahead. You are mistaking traders with salespeople that pitch stocks to laymen and lie to them that this is free money with no risk. Excuse me if this is too personal, but did your father perhaps lose a lot of money on stocks? I remember you saying that he was losing a lot of money on get-rich-quick schemes.

If you're trying to woo me, then it isn't working. I don't have this figured out, so why don't you share your understanding of what value is? I think that value is how the mind communicates that something is beneficial for some purpose, mostly survival. Traders back their beliefs about assets with money and create markets with prices. Prices reflect the demand for these assets and quantify current beliefs about them. The more something is believed to be beneficial, the more people want their share of it. I'm not entirely clear on the goal of this game to be honest. It is definitely about being ahead of the curve with respect to prediction of prices. Their job is to sell just before everyone else does, so they are incentivised to reveal their information at the correct moment, not too early and not too late. It's even more complicated with currency exchanges because there is no underlying currency in which value is expressed. It's an exchange of money for money and my brain does not work this way very well. I'm not a trader. Obviously, money flows from traders that predict badly to ones that predict well. Is this why you are calling it parasitic? Because bad traders are people that have no idea how this works? Or is it because exchanges don't interact with the outside world other than providing rates?

@LfcCharlie4 The bubble that is happening right now is a response to corona-related panic and Trump's irresponsible governance. People don't care about printing money nearly as much as they perhaps should, so it is not likely to me that crypto will remain popular when things settle down. I am aware of its value on its own and I acknowledge that it has the potential to replace fiat money. It is still in very early stages though. When Bitcoin transaction fees rise, it's like $50 for sending any amount of btc. The technology is not nearly as scalable as it should be for widespread adoption. Not to mention that transactions need multiple confirmations before they can be considered safe, and it takes unreasonable amount of time. Remember that most fiat transactions are probably in grocery stores. Ethereum has some good ideas regarding scalability, and there are new algorithms for cryptographic security that decouple transactions from block creation rate, like proof of history for example. These innovative cryptos however, have no market value because they are too new and under development. I'm guessing that it will take at least 20 years before these problems will be solved. In the meantime, we have the rise of quantum computing that will make cryptography as we know it today, obsolete. I didn't even mention the possibility of national centralization of proof-of-work cryptos, such as Bitcoin for example. As far as I know, big mining operations are held in China, and I can see the potential that their government would confiscate the farms, making the currency Chinese property if it became too popular. Proof-of-stake algorithms seem more robust in this area, but the transition is just starting to happen with Ethereum 2.0 switching over.

Traders provide value by prediction. By investing money in a business, you are predicting that this business will fare well in the future. Very few people can do this well and this information is valuable. The same idea is applicable to (crypto)currencies. By buying bitcoin, you are predicting that it will be more useful than fiat money in the future. The distinction between genuine trading, get-rich-quick schemes and gambling is based upon the quality of prediction. If you have access to good quality sources, understand cryptocurrency technology, understand financial markets, then you have a shot on predicting this well and making money consistently. If you base your knowledge on crypto digests, then you are basically speculating. If you don't read anything, go by the gut feeling and are lured in by the headlines, then you are gambling. The problem with cryptocurrencies is adoption. As it stands right now, besides Ethereum, it has very little use outside of store of value. It will not replace fiat money anytime soon, so I think that it is not a good investment. At the very least, not during the corona bubble we're having right now.

The smell has been bugging me a lot for the last two days, to the point that I even feel disgust at work. After pondering this for a while, I figured that it probably is a covid side-effect. I already have felt burning in my nostrils when the air is too dry. Still waiting for the next delivery. I hope that it will be better.

I'm sure that you already researched the generic pointers, so you will need to provide us with a specific context so that we can give you specific pointers.

Then tell me, explicitly, what do you value in other people? Why is it that the things they value is not enough for you? Why do you think that the lack of ambition needs justification, or rationalization? As if people were valuable externally, only through what they accomplish in the world. This is entirely relative to you. Exactly! They see no problems with it! Why on earth would you trouble yourself with their problems that they don't even recognize? Why would you assume the responsibility over other people's lives? Why would you want to help people out of the self-created problems? This makes no sense! This is all you, your thinking! I think that you are severely underestimating other people's capacity to take care of themselves, or think for themselves. I think that people are simply much more trusting because they haven't experienced what you did. Are you comfortable with death? There is nothing in the world that you can do to prolong your separate existence in any form. Any project, or improvement of the world that you may want to undertake, will be gone. 10 years after you're gone, 100 years, 10000 years, doesn't matter. You will be a vehicle of change, but it will never be personal. Everyone you have ever loved will be gone at some point. Humans will either go extinct, or evolve into something you will not even be able to recognize given enough time. Any control we have over this world is a complete illusion. Everything, every single thing, is on fire, by design. Isn't it obvious that trying to preserve the world has to be grounded in fear? We are all afraid and work frantically on being alive and it's absurd when you look at it closely. There is no love in it, the only reasonable thing we can do is to witness the world, moment by moment. Not even remember the witnessing, as we're not able to take the memories with us. Just experience it. This is it. Bringing up projections in a discussion is a very fine line. I feel like you are trying to dismiss what I said. I was being serious with Trump, NPD coming from childhood abuse is real and I strongly believe that he is a narcissist. There are no evil people. All behaviors are reasonable from within the paradigm they exist. Even though we seem to have opposite worldviews, I want to understand yours. It is incomprehensible to me. It does not compute. I've been there and I moved on, but I don't want to commit to pre/post fallacy and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. When you neglect yourself, are not in touch with your true desires, it is not possible to help anybody. Feelings are the only reliable way of telling what you want and need. If you can't listen to them, then any idea that comes to your mind is not grounded in reality. I am very distrustful of Elon precisely because of that. It is painfully obvious to me that he does not feel himself. I see him as a funny puppet and a comedian that has a lot of money to toy with. Brilliant mind and business intuition? Sure, not denying that, but his preoccupation with "saving" the world is ridiculous. As if the world was meant to last! Ha! As if progress could liberate us! As if we could escape! Ludicrous! Just look at his face, he's not there!

Nothingness is usually experienced as fear, as the mind mistakes death for something real. If you keep being conscious as you fear, what the fear is in reality, it is just the experience of being rapidly aware of something. It appears as there is nothing there, but if you keep at it, you will understand what that "thing" is. In the many "nothings" that I've experienced, none of them were experienced as a loss after I died. On the contrary, all it requires is to give up beliefs about the world and see for yourself what really is true.

I think that reading Epictetus would do you some good. Even though he was literally a slave, he was an extraordinarily free person. What you are speaking of is not freedom, but power. Power is active in that it allows you to re-arrange things so that they don't bother you. It can be external in the sense that you can re-arrange your circumstances so that they are in conformity with your beliefs. It can also be internal in the sense that you can re-arrange your beliefs so that external circumstances don't bother you. Power requires effort, work. Freedom on the other hand is the understanding of how circumstances and beliefs correspond to each other in the first place. In seeing that, there is no need to struggle, as everything is already as it should be, and as you always wanted. Contrary to how it may seem, power and freedom are not mutually exclusive. The difference is that power is limited, while freedom is not. Do you hate yourself for having to work a job? At the very least, it sounds lonely because there are practically no people that are free to do whatever they please with their time. Not to mention that power has a way of corrupting people and I'm not entirely sure that the ones at the top are also the ones that are worth hanging out with. Remaining true to ones' self while being powerful requires extraordinary wisdom that is a greater treasure than any amount of power. If one had the wisdom in the first place, I doubt that they would seek power. Do you have a personal relationship with these ideas, or are they "just" ideas? I realize now that I'm trying to understand your drive because I never got the idea of dreaming big. I mean, I had some dreams, like becoming a scientist, but they mostly turned out to be implanted by my parents, or formed in opposition to them. My wife would get very upset when I inquire for the reason of her dreams and she has some, albeit much more modest than yours. When I think about it, I do have a dream of being wise, of living a good, happy, fulfilling life. My journey has shown me that this does not come from external accomplishments, but by being and expressing myself right now, in my current circumstances. Not 5 years ago, or in 10 years from now. Seizing opportunities in everyday interactions, in whatever opportunity that presents itself. I believe that this is all we get, regardless of the amount of power we have. How would I know how to express myself with billion dollars if I can't express myself with the amount that I have right now? I don't get it. Why won't you simply work for someone that does things you want to help with? Does it rub you the wrong way when someone gives you tasks to perform? How different is it from getting tasks from your clients? If you're concerned with being unable to refuse, then perhaps become a contractor, or just stand by your integrity? I have no problem discussing tasks that are silly and expose their silliness to the team that I work with. Are you genuinely sorry, or just being cheeky? If you are truly sorry for not fitting into the stereotype, then it would indeed imply that you want to be loved, given what you said about the conflicts that you have with your parents. They are stereotyping you, but I'm not your parents. The fault that I may be committing here is that I am not really talking to you, but to myself. I was this achiever that wanted acceptance and once I learned to accept myself, I do not need to achieve anymore. I may be projecting things unto you, but I feel deep sympathy for you and I wish you the best. I know that I would fight the "achiever" stereotype relentlessly in the past if someone presented it to me explicitly. Mostly because I did not recognize my perfectionism for what it was, even though I read every book about it. The past me would either feel angry, devastated, or scared after reading this paragraph. Would doubt myself for some time too. This is why I'm holding back a little in this conversation, I don't want to hurt you given what you went through recently. And what if all evil in this world is done by people that want to do good for others without first realizing how to do good for themselves? By people so starved of love that they would do anything to get it and that justify horrible acts of cruelty so that others recognize them? Do you honestly think that Trump is openly selfish in this own mind? What if humans are incapable of selflessness unless they are properly selfish first? (These were rhetorical questions). Trump, for example, was abused by his father so that he would become a vessel of his fathers' legacy. I know how outrageous claims about childhood trauma are to self-governing people, but they are, in my experience, much more common than it is expected. Emotions really rule us, and our minds are but tools for justifying them. I know how ridiculous my justifications were, when I was dead-set on "helping" my wife out of "her" problems. Perhaps I'm committing to the same mistake in this conversation? Paradoxically, freedom lies in realizing the true relationship with the mind and the heart. It is better to be a vulnerable child that is lost in the world, than to pretend to be invincible. Yes, do go on. I would like to hear whether there is any value in your mind to the 99% of humanity that do not follow your ideals. Because if you can't find any reason, sympathy, or understanding for the behavior of most men, then that is the very definition of loneliness. One could even say that you look down on most people that are not in the top 1%. It would very much coincide with your self-criticism, as you are merely a "wage slave" like the rest of us. You are wrongly assuming that because I do not advocate for orienting one's life around seeking money, I am for seeking poverty. There is no nobility in poverty and no nobility in wealth. Money is a leverage for power, an ability to put little effort into having big effect. The question is whether the effect we want is really the one that is needed and beneficial. The other question is whether you really, truly, want to be entangled with the problems of the whole world by becoming humanity's savior. I wouldn't expect it to help you with your nicotine addiction. As much as we need people that care for the bees, I find it quite improbable that there are many that truly, genuinely, care about them. It is much more common to care for your intimate company, and excuse my directness, you don't seem to have any. So who are you doing this for, exactly? I doubt it's the 99% of people you look down on, or the abstract ideal of the humanity itself. True love is not abstract, it is concrete and grounded. I guess, "If I can't handle you at your worst, I don't deserve you at your best" . No offense taken.

I am moving away from the idea of personal development for the sake of, perhaps, personal discovery. I do not intend to change the way in which I work through effort, but rather to understand myself better, to have a more detailed picture of myself. Sort of a way to allow myself to be myself fully. This sometimes leads to insights that transform me deeply by freeing me from falsehood, but the change is not the goal. I have no image of "me" that I ought to be and I aim to become. I'm hopelessly and totally lost within myself. Thankfully!

I think that your definition of freedom is at fault here. It is not possible to be free to do things. We can only be free from things that bother us, but not "externally free" in the sense of disposing of them, but internally free, as in: it does not bother us. What you seem to want is the power to do whatever you please with no consequences. This sounds very lonely, my friend. Do you mind sharing what you actually want to do, other than playing instruments, meditating and traveling? Neither of these activities have well-defined "finish conditions" that seem to bother you. It is not like you can "finish" meditation project, or be "the" musician, the finished product. They do not seem to need loads of money to do. I have a suspicion that you actually want to be "better" by perfecting yourself. Don't get me wrong, not better than someone else, but being perfect, in a sense. The "finished" project of a person. This is a fantasy that will move the goalpost every time you approach it. To me, it seems like you really want to be loved and accepted, personally, for who you are.

Do you dream of being wealthy, or is it a stepping stone for what you actually want to do in life? I know that this is a matter of definition, but it really does not seem to me that you are dreaming of something. It seems like you are being propelled forward by the discomfort of your current situation. While it does indeed facilitate change, I can see how that can create a lot of stress that you may want to numb down by smoking. I can also see how that can make you harsh on yourself. This may be a strange question, but why do you hate being poor, specifically? Is it a constraint on your expression, or is it about external appearance, like status? I think that you may be confusing God with your inner critic. God is already expressing itself as freely as your physical constraints allow.

I had a difficult Sunday and I could not put to words why. I was pretty upset for some reason and didn't go to the forest today. I gave a nice scrub to the backpack cover and dried it out on the balcony to get rid of the smell. I think that I cleaned every nook of it by now and I decided to go for the detachable pockets that came with it. For the whole day, I was upset about the gear and I did not know why exactly. I want this gear, and yet, there is something wrong with it. A holder came with the backpack and pockets and it was the most upsetting thing in the whole package. It was supposed to hold the detachable pockets together so they would form a mini, 20 liter backpack when combined. The most devastating thing about it was that there were patches of nylon in all of these items where soldiers would write their names to identify their equipment. In this holder, however, someone sprayed it black. When I talked with my wife about the today's stress, I finally got it. Nobody has ever loved these items before. Ever since I understood this, I feel better. I tend to underestimate my sensitivity sometimes. Anyways, I ripped the sprayed patch off and my wife will help me sew a new one on. These items will be happy. I want to restore them so that they will serve me well. I managed to sharpen the axe yesterday. It took some time because it was so dull that the wetstone didn't work too well. I learned that axes can be sharpened by filing. I did finish it with the wetstone though. Decided to not kick my ass over not going to the forest today. I feel that I should go because I invested money into the gear and I don't want to be ridiculed for it. Of course, it's all in my head so I simply stopped forcing myself. My muscles are still sore from yesterday's tramp and I don't want to push myself too hard from the start. This is supposed to be pleasant, after all.

@flowboy When you mention your dreams, a question popped up to my mind. Is the fulfillment of your dreams more of an artistic project, like expressing yourself, something wants to "come out" and you are seeking ways to give birth to it, or are they something that you seek so that you can feel complete? Do you feel like your life is a race, so that you can make something of yourself before you die, or is it more of a stroll where you admire your surroundings? Mind you, neither of these options are mutually exclusive with being intense. That is why I'm asking. I'm asking also because you seem to be experienced with spiritual practices and psychedelics and I get an achiever vibe from you which is weird when I look at the other traits that I mentioned.

@flowboy When I read through your journal from time to time, you come off as a pretty intense guy that pushes his limits. Have you ever considered that you may be pushing yourself too hard overall and it contributes to your stress (and nicotine addiction)? Maybe it is something that you need so that you can continue this lifestyle and use it as a relief when you are too overwhelmed?

@flowboy have you ever identified the reason why you want to smoke in the first place? It must serve some purpose in your life that could maybe be fulfilled by other means? Like stress relief for example?

Thank you man, glad that you found the new journal of mine Have a great year too! ____________________________________ Took my gear for the first tramp. I wanted to check how the boots fit and they are absolutely awesome. Never had anything like that before. I can walk in any terrain, rocks, water, mud, and they work perfectly. Wool socks work really good too, no blisters and my feet don't overheat and I get no moisture. The only drawback is that I'm not accustomed to walk in something this heavy for long periods of time and my muscles are sore after two hours of walking. I noticed that when my body wants to rest and I'm past my limits without realizing it, my brain starts to play fragments of songs on repeat, using my steps as the tempo. I will not become a proper wanderer merely by buying stuff online. This takes some stamina. The backpack is... well, still mixed feelings about it. It became much more comfortable when I noticed that I installed the frame the wrong way and it did not fit my spine very well. First time walking in a backpack that has a waist strap. Took me some time to figure out that the shoulder straps can't be too tight or else I carry the weight on my back instead of my hips. I can't make my mind about it. I don't like the way it looks, but I feel good when I ask my back about it. Still need to work on my posture though, because it does not work well with my hump and I can't keep my back straight for long periods of time just yet. The backpack is much more pleasant when I gave it a solid scrub, but it still needs work in the frame pocket. I really don't know why on Earth did it smell this way. After I washed it, the cardboard it was shipped in smelled so badly that when we went to do some shopping and came back to the apartment, it felt as if someone threw up when we were gone. I wanted to try to make a fire, but everything is so wet that it didn't work. I grabbed the wood from the trees and made some feather sticks, but they were damp through and through. Probably should have looked for even bigger branches, or maybe even a small dead tree. I got severely disappointed with the axe, I was mostly breaking the wood instead of cutting it. Everything was so damp that even birch bark didn't help. My zippo lighter didn't work in the cold and I failed at using the flint. I made some sparks, but the fire did not catch from it. I should probably tone the difficulty down and first get any fire started before I start to play with flint and steel. Especially because it is pretty wet and cold right now and I don't want to discourage myself too early. Also important to note: neck warmers are much more important than I thought. All in all, I enjoyed experiencing my body and my limitations today.

The voice is just the voice . I mean, it's not like the silence, or emptiness identifies with itself. I've had experiences when the mind was gone and the only thing that remains is that emptiness/silence. When experienced, it is bliss, pure love and everything I could ever dream of. At the same time, it is what remains when the mind is gone, so death is the best thing that will ever happen to me. Not that I seek death, on the contrary, I enjoy life and are enamored with it, I just know that when I'm gone, then I'm really not gone . Sorry if it makes no sense to you. I used to seek to create more space, but I no longer do. The space is only needed to observe the mind carefully, but not with the intent of fixing it, but rather to trust it. It is absolutely genius and wonderful. The second best thing after emptiness. Ever since I understood what love is, I want to simultaneously be both something and nothing. I know that it sounds stupid, but these are not mutually exclusive. The first step was just the unreflected voice talking as me, as in, there was no voice observed, not even thoughts being recognized, just me. When I woke up to the existence of the voice, I gradually became more interested in understanding what language is, etc, and started observing the voice as something that happens, as if it was something external (even though it exists in the private space). I began to learn to distinguish the moments when I'm thinking consciously/deliberately and when the voice talks by itself. At some point, after observation of the voice, I became interested more in it and asked myself, who talks as this voice? This is where I started to recognize that it's conditioned by interactions, something akin to a more sophisticated voice recorder that can model personalities. As I became more in touch with how my psyche works, it became apparent that there are more and less privileged voices that influence other voices. Not by talking to each other, but rather, some personalities that have been modeled by the voice, use voices of other people, "parrot" these people, to gain control over the will. The most dominant voice in there was my critical mother. "She" would use other people's voices to criticize "me" from within me. This had the effect of not actually living my life and having no actual center of my own, no heart, so to speak, recycling same stuff over and over again. Finding the real me within me, or rather, dropping falsehood, is the most significant accomplishment of my life. No, on the contrary! It is the voice that lies, always. Lying is not the correct word, really, at its core it's completely innocent. The voice is literally an infant. After language was learned, it never matured, it was just picking up on things and repeated them without knowing what it talks about. Some genuine insights were had, but they turned to knowledge through representation and lost its "spark". So the snowball of misunderstandings started to weave until it was too great to stop. Really, when it comes to "the other person", then it has to be said explicitly that the voice is the main culprit of all misunderstandings and not being able to see the other in a deep, meaningful, way. Most insights that were had during re-conditioning were actually gained by seeing the falsehoods that kept perpetuating the chatter. They were false/incomplete models that the voice recorder made, so to speak. Some of the insights were also about feeling myself more and prioritizing that over thoughts. This had the effect of deep compassion towards everyone because this condition is not really exclusive to me. My mother, for example, never went through the process I did, so she simply perpetuated the hurts that her parents inflicted. Even though it's the most personal thing, it's also completely impersonal at the same time. Only after seeing through the voice, I am able to experience others truly. There are very few people like that. When it comes to "re-conditioning" the voice, the only thing that was added was my therapists' presence that I modeled automatically. She is a wonderful, supportive, woman that is the mother that I always needed. Having a supportive presence that stops the inner turmoil is very, very helpful and I am very grateful to her. In part, thanks to this very conversation, I began to be more interested in interacting consciously with music and I noticed that there is a distinct kind of pain that I sometimes experience when I'm listening to it. I grasped that it is a warning and I recently stopped the music after feeling it. So far, no repeats . Consciousness and unconsciousness, as I call it, are not distinct entities, so to speak. They only seem that way because our conscious processes are based upon distinctions. The deeper I go into myself, the more in touch I am with the Unconscious, and I am very much convinced that it plays a significant, active, role in how we develop and grow. We seek experiences that mature us and this is what the Unconscious orchestrates. This is what I meant by the "double person" when I talked about observing and interpreting myself. It is not something that I can stop doing, this is how maturation progresses. This is how something and nothing are the same. When there's nothing left to crumble, I mean, literally nothing, the mind is completely gone, and you are love, then you can't help but to give birth to yourself . This is love - it is how reality is "made". Thank you! When I pondered my first awakening after coming down off it, I remember saying to someone that it felt as if reality was raping itself and it felt good. You are very inquisitive and open, I really enjoy reading your questions. Keep doing that and I'm sure that you will get your answers, eventually.

I decided to end my therapy today. This topic came up a few times before because I felt ready to be on my own. The most significant development that I have undergone is that the critical inner voice is no longer the dominant force within me. Thanks to my therapist, I now have a supportive feminine voice that stands by my side that I can rely on. I am also able to understand my current feelings in the greater context, especially when I'm overwhelmed. Another thing is that my intuition has opened up a lot and I am more attuned to my feelings and boundaries. When I asked her to summarize what she saw change within me, she agreed and also complimented a trait of mine that I did not pay too much attention before. It is true that I am grateful for many things that happen, even the difficult ones, and that I am open about it. I want to work on expressing my gratitude more. As for the toys, I have very mixed feelings. The boots are perfect. I mean, top-notch, very comfortable and nice looking. Gloves, socks, beanie, all perfect. The axe surprised and disappointed me a little because it was heaver than I expected and I find it quite dull for a brand new item. The backpack on the other hand... very mixed feelings. I mean, the backpack itself is not too worn, the colors are quite good, i quite like it, but it was somewhat dirty and sticky for whatever reason. It was covered in some kind of white powder on the inside, or maybe the rubber coating started to turn to powder? Dunno. But damn! I found an ancient fucking worn pair of socks, briefs and a PCS british t-shirt inside! FUCK. So disgusting! I feel as if I found a dead rat inside... A part of me was like barf, and the other part of me was like hmm, a free t-shirt, can I wash this? Nope, disgust won and it's in the trash. Scrubbed the fucking hell out of the backpack under shower and now it's drying on the radiator. GOD I HOPE THAT I WON'T FIND SUCH GIFTS IN THE SLEEPING BAG. FUCK. Already wrote an e-mail to the shop and told them to double fucking check this thing. I also hope that the gore-tex bivy for the sleeping bag won't be as disgustingly sticky as the backpack. My pride is itching so much right now. Anyways, I have mixed feelings of disgust, excitement and being deeply touched. I hope that the backpack will dry out by the morning so that I can test it in the field. I hope to take the axe to the forest and see if I need to sharpen it. I was wondering why there are dedicated stones for axe sharpening, but now I get it. The axe is too heavy to sharpen it against the wetstone. A knife is much lighter so handling it is easier. I will have to maneuver it somehow tomorrow.