tsuki

Dark souls. Go play it.

Yesterday, I watched Leo's newest video. I'd peg myself as stage 5: taming the ox. There's so much work to do that it's not even funny. Thankfully, I forgot to take coffee to work and I can enjoy my suffering instead. Oh, and a new thought came up: I am energy. Let's investigate that.

I was thinking about this definition of meaning and it is really a bizarre situation. It is a group operation of the sense and I know how it works, but it's like I'm doing this in reverse. Let's take the group of integer numbers with addition. I know the numbers and I know the operation. I know that 2+3=5 and that -3+2=-1. The symmetry of addition over "0" is secondary. Its associativity and all of the other properties seem artificial. With meaning it's like I know the symmetry, but I don't know the elements of a set. I can only say what is inner and what is outer and if I think/feel, I can tell the zero element. But in this case the operation itself seems artificial, secondary. I was trying to create an example - what is 'not me' and this idea comes: my boss. So there is me, and my boss and we are meaningfully connected. I am 'inner' he is 'outer'. What meaningfully lies between us, what is neither mine, nor his is: the company. The company is not really mine, as I'm not involved in the topmost decision process. It is also not his however, as he is also dependent on the capabilities of the employees and their willingness to cooperate. So, the zero element is the company itself. Now what are other elements of this set? So I started plotting people on the line, drawing them closer and further along the zero and what struck me is this: I am sorting people with respect to their male/female energy content relative to mine. But what does it mean to 'add' people in this group? Is it the energy content of a given experience?

@now is forever This book is about mathematics. What you say about 'the book' is also true about its contents. Mathematics is a language of observation. What they teach in schools is a mechanical way to operate within mathematics. The creative process lies in describing reality using this language. The rest is mostly trivial.

@now is forever Are you talking about the book here, or about mathematics?

@now is forever Describe your experience of mathematics. What is 'normal' mathematics like and how is that book different?

Yes and no. If chasing enlightenment, money, sex, fame and science is an endless tail-chasing for you, then I'm afraid that you're doing it wrong. Each of these dimensions of value are attractive up to a certain point and during the period you're attracted to them, you have a free pass to learn a skill. You do not learn skills to extract value endlessly, but to change your perspective about the world. This is how the world keeps being meaningful and interesting. There is nothing to be gained from chasing any value other than mastery of its acquisition. Mastery is acquired when you gather the value effortlessly, without your conscious attention.

Yesterday was my sister's name day and she had a party that I attended. Usually I'm not too comfortable in situations like this because I feel like a sore thumb that sticks out. Conversations around me usually involve things that I don't follow, like: news, sport or politics in general. My strategy in these situations is to simply admit to myself that I am a clueless fool by choice and use this opportunity to learn the most important news about the world. It turned out very well actually and I had a lovely evening. People seemed to genuinely enjoy my company. In the middle of a party I had a moment for myself as everybody's attention turned to TV. Fortunately, they were thoughtful enough to decorate their place with candles so I took this opportunity to meditate on flame. Yesterday I woke up with a headache (slept for too long) that went away around 1 pm. In the evening I had a superb meditation session where I worked with my energy. It was very flexible and I could focus it in every major point along the spine at the same time. It was like a symphony played inside of me. Today's night was dreamless. My mind orbited around peaceful thoughts of unity. I woke up well-rested.

Difficulty in performing any action is rooted in the existence of ego. If I consider something to be: outer, alien, impossible, disgusting, inappropriate, taboo, then it means that there is also: inner, familiar, possible, beautiful, appropriate, normal. The distance between what I experience and my comfort zone (or vice versa) is what I call meaning. Meaning is the difference(distance) between yes and no. The midpoint between things of equal (but opposite) meaning is what I call Ego. The point furthest away-from the Ego is what I call Shadow. There are two paths of liberation: The path of centering: approach the Ego and surrender to stillness. The path of the absurd: approach the Shadow and surrender to movement.

After this whole thing I feel like a warm spiral color again. There seems to be no conflict between individualism and collectivism though. It just is. I just redirect the energy.

Today, during a shower I spontaneously started chanting AUM to merge thoughts with speech. It fascinated me how the voice was reverberating on the -M of the mantra. I got distracted by this and it went away. Later in the evening, I started to meditate on breath with stirring of the inner movements. It always made me wonder why does the exhalation of the breath help with the inner movements? Well, I started to chant AUM during the inner stirring and... voila. Reverberation! When I chanted the mantra I was also seeing something like white light when I closed my eyes and focused on my forehead. Why do I even write this? It seems like a distraction. I bet that I will regret this tomorrow.

The moment that I realized to be the whole of bmoidnyd, it became apparent how ripe with energy it is. Harnessing this energy is what chaos magic is all about. It's like nuclear physics. Energy is stored in egoic constraints. Breaking them releases heat to work with. I suppose that the amount of heat one can work with determines the skill of a chaos magician. It is not even about 'my' mind anymore. There is no boundary between the mind and reality. Upset the order that is fundamental enough (like sacredness of human life) and see how reality snaps back at you.

In relationships, there is inner (me) and outer (you). Object is zero, God is infinity. Closing the loop requires me to see the way in which zero and infinity are alike. Breath is still the gatekeeper of thoughts.

I just went through the journal and feel/understand/see that the sense of vision does not exist. This is the post that triggered it: I was curious about this vision thing, that looking at something is about looking at something else. In the sense of movement, touch is what implies separation. In the sense of vision, distance is what implies separation. As I read this post about vision being two dimensional (plane, not a line), it just struck me. Vision is not even a line. Distance does not exist. Oh, and my inner voice seem to have stopped yapping. I wonder whether it will come back. I fear that it won't. Sigh. Relax, buddy.

No idea. We are all, always, talking about ourselves.

I was not expecting to hear an answer. I was just showing you some strangeloops regarding birth and family. Okay, I gotta figure out how to integrate vision. Make distance into a mirror.

Why don't we? Were you born because of your parents, or were your parents together because of you? (Assuming that they are, sorry!) Should you be grateful to your parents for having you, or should your parents be proud of what you are? Your gratefulness is their pride.There is no causality here. What does it refer to?

@now is forever Did I learn to set boundaries because of you, or were you drawn because my buttons were exposed? Did I enter a week-long mystical experience, or did I make myself publicly vulnerable during a schizophrenic episode? Am I a shaman, or am I a madman? What is the difference? If I ever chose my life purpose, I want my zone of genius to be madness.

@now is forever It is so funny that all of these thing happen simultaneously, acausally. That your interference was vital to what happened. That, or I'm just rationalizing .

It's not like I overstep boundaries or not. The problem was that I was establishing them consciously. The emotional energy seems to be resolved on the bodily level now and boundaries take care of themselves. I am no longer 'blocked' from pushing back when I feel like something is wrong. There are no emotions about emotions. It's like I am this giant body that talks to itself. Let's see where that goes. Thank you for the advice.

Words: short-circuit, interexistence, inter-being, inter-are, etc seem to be synonymous with synchronicity. I'll have to look into it. Schizophrenia is described in such a way that I can both relate and not relate to it at the same time. It is a perfect description of my everyday existence, except for the fact that it does not interfere with it. I am a high functioning human being with good stable income, good education and meaningful (but few) relationships. I'd even say that everyday I effortlessly solve complex problems that I suspect that few people do. On the other hand, I do actually experience disassociation with sight, sound and movement, as well as various kinds of mental activities that I suspect few people relate. I do hear a voice, which is my inner dialog, I do experience hallucinations, which is my imagination and do not control my movements (which I call mastery of a skill, thinking by movement). I do have not only a word-salad, but also a thought-salad, vision-salad and movement-salad. I let these things flow and when I need, I look for meaning within their records (like this journal). The only thing that is different from the description of a schizophrenic is that they do not produce distress. They are what they are. So, what makes a schizophrenic? Looking for psychiatrist's help to solve these 'issues'? Allan Watts once said: Anybody that looks for psychiatrist's help has to get his head examined.

Yet another lens to perceive this mystical experience: shadow work. Integration of my male energy. Establishing borders. Imposing myself onto others. Impregnating the world. Sadistic pleasure. Resolving my mother issues. Effortless redirection of inner movements back into outer movements. Effortless establishing of boundaries. Boundary Touch = mirror. Important post:

That's scary terrifying: Synchronicity (interexistence) -> Synchromysticism -> Schizophrenia (word salad) EDIT: or is it just ego backlash?

You responded to the man's energy. This man in your presence was interpreted as the sensation you call 'abuse'. It is only abuse/unpleasant if you do not know what to do with this sensation. How to release it in the instant you recognized it. Instead of trying to get rid of this sensation, be present to it and learn to harness this energy.

I seem to have reached the critical mass of flow. Yesterday I had a breakthrough. I am not aware of the voice. Hearing is self-aware. I am not aware of the movement. Movement is self aware. Touch is a mirror. As I look at my fingers that touch, looking is a movement. This thought was simultaneous with the realization of self-reference of movement. The mind is not a part of body and the body is not a part of mind. They interexist. Vision is still something different. I still look at things.