tsuki

Even if Aztecs had advanced metaphysical understanding of reality, their egos were much less developed than today's. What sacrifice and non-attachment means for green people is much different from blue/red/purple.

I noticed that I cling to the idea of reincarnation and I use it to justify my pursuit of wisdom. Buddhists believe* that only wisdom is transferred upon death because memory and personality are tied to the brain that is physical. Since they define wisdom very loosely (duh), I was skeptical of it, but it stuck with me nonetheless. What gave me peace is the realization of what is wisdom. Of course, Buddhists say it clearly - it is the realization of no self. One gets to reincarnate by being nobody - exactly like every nobody before and after him. So, that's exactly the opposite of what Ego wants - it has to leave, so that past sages get to have their seat.

@Knock I'm a minimalist myself and here's my line of reasoning that I find to be authentic: If you really needed money, life would press you to make it. Since you can choose to not pursue it, then it probably means that you shouldn't. It will not relieve your suffering because the meaning it provides is not sustainable. You will fail to make more money at some point, so why invest so much of life in it? If you want to learn to do business because it serves your long term strategic goals, then by all means - go ahead, but treat it as a learning experience and not an earning opportunity. When it comes to products - it is really difficult to make a good one and your minimalist sense is not an obstacle, but an aid. If you have worked on your aesthetic* sense for a long time, creating a product you would need yourself can be a good standard for what you create. It may be the case that you are at the point in which there are very few things you truly need, so it may be wise to market minimalism itself? It seems like it provided a lot of value to you. * by aesthetic, I mean this in general sense - there are things that are beautiful by their sheer usefulness and not their visual style.

@aespinosa Truth is not an object of knowledge. The closest you can get with the mind is not-knowing, which is the gateway to being (truth).

This is such a profound video. Very foundational for me. I finally groked so many important things about nonduality and how it ties to shamanism. Leo, I salute you! I'll have to re-watch sometime in the future and read the article.

@Gog You know, I know that you're into me, and I dig your style too, but we need a way to communicate.

@now is forever That is how my spiritual ego mocks me. I am still curious though. I just remembered how I used to hate dentists because my mother would insist on that I shouldn't use anesthesia. I think she was afraid of needles because she often said that the injection hurts more than the procedure itself. I even remember playing frozen with fear at the dentist one time when I was like 11. It didn't work.

@now is forever I heard that Peter Ralston had root canal treatment without anesthesia. I'm not sure if I'm curious enough to do it this way though (thankfully, I just have some cavities).

Yesterday I did the minimum amount of work required to satisfy my work ethic and didn't want to push myself to do anything beyond that. I sat with my boredom and observed it. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and something about its relation power is being formed in my intuition, but it's not ripe enough yet to post it. Anyways - due to my boredom - my attention was refocused on energy and I started to work on moving it towards my lowest center. I noticed that if I move enough energy so that it passes a certain threshold - it sticks there for a long time. It's very unlike my highest center which is quick to respond and deplete. The middle center seems to be responsive only if the other two are active. Conceptually - it seems the lower and higher center have different momentum associated with them. One is like a fireplace that burns for a long time, but requires effort to start, and the other is like a gas furnace that goes on and off. I don't have much experience with my heart, unfortunately. I had a dentist appointment today along with teeth decalcification. The checkup was a little awkward because the dentist was uneasy with my presence. Both his assistant and the receptionist had wonderful facade of niceness, but it was too consistently cheerful to be genuine. This fact did not bother me much and I kept my focus on relaxing my animal. The questionnaire had a funny twist because it asked if I do any narcotics and I did not know whether LSD interacted with their anesthesia, so I wrote the truth. I wonder if it had anything to do with their uneasiness. They ignored it masterfully. Before the decalcification I had some time to myself, so I decided to play with my energy and start the lower center. After 10-15 minutes the lady came and greeted me with a stiff handshake and facade of niceness that was much more forced than the other two's. She gradually started to open and be genuine, which surprised me a lot. The procedure itself was very interesting, as I watched my animal squirm on the table in anticipation of pain. I kept reminding myself that pain is a sudden energetic movement that is externally caused and did body scans with deep breathing. Various parts tensed up during my absent-mindedness, but it ended with me being totally at ease despite the pain. I'm tempted to have my cavities filled Ralston style, but my spiritual ego tells me that I should leave my ego out of it. The important thing is whether the hygienist's openness was 'caused' by my energy in the lower center. Causation is a tricky word here because I may have opened myself with this movement and she opened in response. However, the law of attraction makes this distinction obsolete, so I'm not going to dwell on it. When I was leaving the receptionist also seemed much more genuine, I wonder whether it worked on her as well, or she was just glad that I was leaving.

@Zigzag Idiot That's a great resource, I read all of it. Thank you. How do you think Remorse is related to deliberate self-criticism (honest observation)? Is there a name in Gurdjieff's teaching that refers to the feeling of resignation when one becomes deeply conscious of his inadequacy and is content in just being?

Gurdjieff on Conscience, as recounted to P.D. Ouspensky in “In Search of the Miraculous,” taken from the edition published by by Paul H. Crompton Ltd 2004, Pages 155-156. “‘Conscience’ is again a term that needs explanation. “In ordinary life the concept ‘conscience’ is taken too simply. As if we had a conscience. Actually the concept ‘conscience’ in the sphere of the emotions is equivalent to the concept ‘consciousness’ in the sphere of the intellect. And as we have no consciousness we have no conscience. “Consciousness is a state in which a man knows all at once everything that he in general knows and in which he can see how little he does know and how many contradictions there are in what he knows. “Conscience is a state in which a man feels all at once everything that he in general feels, or can feel. And as everyone has within him thousands of contradictory feelings which vary from a deeply hidden realization of his own nothingness and fears of all kinds to the most stupid kind of self-conceit, self-confidence, self-satisfaction, and self-praise, to feel all this together would not only be painful but literally unbearable. “If a man whose entire inner world is composed of contradictions were suddenly to feel all these contradictions simultaneously within himself, if he were to feel all at once that he loves everything he hates and hates everything he loves, that he lies when he tells the truth and that he tells the truth when he lies; and if he could feel the shame and horror of it all, this would be the state which is called ‘conscience.’ A man cannot live in this state; he must either destroy contradictions or destroy conscience. He cannot destroy conscience, but if he cannot destroy it he can put it to sleep, that is, he can separate by impenetrable barriers one feeling of self from another, never see them together, never feel their incompatibility, the absurdity of one existing alongside another. “But fortunately for man, that is, for his peace and for his sleep, this state of conscience is very rare. From early childhood ‘buffers’ begin to grow and strengthen in him, taking from him the possibility of seeing his inner contradictions and therefore, for him, there is no danger whatever of a sudden awakening. Awakening is possible only for those who seek it and want it, for those who are ready to struggle with themselves and work on themselves for a very long time and very persistently in order to attain it. For this it is necessary to destroy ‘buffers,’ that is, to go out to meet all those inner sufferings which are connected with the sensations of contradictions. Moreover the destruction of ‘buffers’ in itself requires very long work and a man must agree to this work realizing that the result of his work will be every possible discomfort and suffering from the awakening of his conscience. “But conscience is the fire which alone can fuse all the powders in the glass retort which was mentioned before and create the unity which a man lacks in that state in which he begins to study himself. “The concept ‘conscience’ has nothing in common with the concept ‘morality.’ “Conscience is a general and a permanent phenomenon. Conscience is the same for all men and conscience is possible only in the absence of ‘buffers.’ From the point of view of understanding the different categories of man we may say that there exists the conscience of a man in whom there are no contradictions. This conscience is not suffering; on the contrary it is joy of a totally new character which we are unable to understand. But even a momentary awakening of conscience in a man who has thousands of different I’s is bound to involve suffering. And if these moments of conscience become longer and if a man does not fear them but on the contrary co-operates with them and tries to keep and prolong them, an element of very subtle joy, a foretaste of the future ‘clear consciousness’ will gradually enter into these moments.

This is so inspiring. Ever since yesterday I became aware of how much I write and think about myself. How important I am to myself. Is there even a difference between writing a journal to self-actualize and writing it to self-admire? I am so proud of being self-conscious. The uncomfortable truth about being a hipster is that I'm boiling with rage that is fueled by my powerlessness. Having post modernism defined as a cultural movement, I am trapped by something that I use to escape being pigeonholed. I am furious because I can't outsmart it and I am smart enough to know that being smart is easy. What is difficult is authentic love without being proud of it, and I fail at the last bit miserably. So, am I a hipster, a satire, or a parody? I want to accept being a hipster, be a satire of myself and a parody of spirituality.

If that's the truth of your experience and not a facade, then I salute you.

@Gog By rational, you mean post-postrational? I wonder if there really is such a thing. I'm starting to lose hope. I have always wanted to somehow integrate logic and paradox, but I never succeeded. The only thing that comes close is using mathematics in a poetic way, but it loses all of its utility.

I remember my fascination with strangeloops. I'm still recovering from it. My latest discovery was the difference between total order and partial order. Life seems like 1 < 2 < 3, but it's more like rock paper scissors.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you. I resonate with what you wrote, but there is some resistance towards the last two paragraphs. Can't see it clearly, but I'm glad that I asked. You seem to have come across a lot of, hmm, esoteric (for a lack of a better word) texts. How did you become interested in them? Your sources are always similar in the sense that common people would consider them spiritual nonsense (I hope that you take no offense, I do not consider them as such - just no better description comes to mind).

@Zigzag Idiot I can relate to him in this regard as well. People tend to respond with hostility towards things they do not understand, simply because deep down, they don't believe that there is something beyond their understanding. That they know how the world works. I can envision Joker venturing deeper and deeper into his insanity for what seemed to him valid, rational, reasons. In doing so, he gradually lost touch with other people, unable to explain what he does - even if he was true to himself. At some point, he just accepted that there is no way back and embraced his loneliness. From this point of view, he's like a lost, abandoned child. His need for external validation does not surprise me. It may be easier for him to guide people in, than find his way back. A mind that is once opened is difficult to contain.

Yeah, I know. I was trying to reassure him, but he was so stuck in his thought-loops, that he barely gave me space to talk. When he did, I commented on my ignorance about current affairs and that I do not pick sides. His response was 'what sides, is there any conflict?'. To that, I responded: 'Well, you seem to imply that'. The more I think about him, the more sympathetic I become. His most redeeming quality was deep respect for another member of the management that supposedly 'holds this thing together'. He said that he lived above him, but nobody introduced himself to be a part of the management, so I don't know anything about him. It makes me curious. If I met him, then I really respect him for his silence. Now that I thought of it some more, I do not agree with Jared (from wisecrack) that Joker denies insanity. Joker affirms it so thoroughly that he treats it like air. He is completely at ease with his condition, to the point of making jokes about it. I can't help but to see the tragedy of what he had become. His most disturbing quality is the fixation on external acknowledgement. He wants Gotham, Batman and the world to see how insane they are compared to him by pretending that they are normal. He is so far gone that he kills and tortures people to prove his point, that everybody is just one bad day away of losing it, and of course - he is right. We are all crazy, some of us are so crazy that they can't even acknowledge it. I don't know whether Joker is aware of his need of validation or not, but it is deeply egoic. It seems like he is, which is how I read the ending of the 'Killing Joke' - and in that case, he has truly become a sage, unable to turn away from his fate. He is a force of nature, the embodiment of insanity. It's a terrifying idea that I could become like that one day. What do you mean by 'strange attractor' @Zigzag Idiot ? Can you elaborate? It piqued my interest - wikipedia mentions it only in reference to chaos theory and fractals (both are my favorite subject).

This was near the end of the article on Buffered Consciousness just above. Although It's Fourth way material, it points to an occurrence mentioned in the I CHING when one incurs a fate by slandering the Cosmos, thus imprisoning the 'Cosmic helpers'. When we reunite with our True Nature the Cosmic helpers or nature spirits are free to help us again. They remain able to help when we are balanced and connected with our True Self. @Zigzag Idiot I'm very thankful for this passage and your commentary. My recent departure from spiritual path into bayesian statistics that was fueled by my instinct of self-preservation was abruptly redirected back to my previous course. I'm not at ease with saying that the universe took care of me, or that I have a guardian angel, but your words are very soothing. I wonder whether I will ever be able to honestly say that I'm special and that I deserve to be taken care of.

@PetarKa I recently had my first trip on LSD and my advice is: please beware and respect the substance. It had helped me tremendously, but it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. When it comes to losing it, the further I am on the path, the more I feel like I've lost it for good. It's scary, but strangely reassuring at the same time. I don't know why. I won't tell you to do it, or not to do it - your conscious decision is a part of the process. Weigh the pros and cons, so that you resent, or admire yourself. Good luck.

Am I a spiritual hipster, a satire, or a parody? I can't seem to decide which. This triggers me a lot. I kind of feel like the joker that outright denies insanity. I think of myself to be sane precisely because I watch my insanity very closely. I distrust people that say that they are good, or the ones that deny their animal nature. I have an acute sense for liars and I'm allergic to salespeople. The better salesmen they are, the more I despise them. Hmm, still no arbiters here.

Here's an entertaining story related to this point. After my last trip I talked to my neighbor about our housing association. We were both dissatisfied with the flow of information between the management and inhabitants, so I realized my idea of creating a facebook group. I printed out invitations and went around the building, talked to my neighbors (some of which I never met before) and invited them to join. I am well aware of the sticky situation between management and the inhabitants, so I hope that this thing will turn out alright for everybody. It's not a matter of hope, really as I've put myself out there and actually talked to people, so I'm kind of responsible that this thing will turn out well. Everybody seemed genuinely interested except for one person that surprisingly, was the head of management. That guy was scared shitless. First, he told me that if I wanted to do such a thing, then I can ask management to do it on the next meeting. Then, he tried to persuade me that there is no point in creating the group. Then, he went ahead to complain about the inhabitants that do not cooperate with the authority. Then, he asked me to join the management. When I asked when will be the next meeting, he vaguely replied that it'l be held next month, but it haven't been decided when exactly. He wasn't even able to tell me how we will be notified of the date. I don't know if he's scared because people will gossip about him, or because he knows that he's not playing fairly. I am definitely not going to let the group devolve into petty squabble and name-calling. I'd much rather close the group than let this thing happen. What does it have to do with spirituality? Hmm, it triggers me because my life is, in fact, boring. Especially when looked upon from the perspective of everyday repetitive routine. I am pretty sure that I can become bored by anything, so I don't think that it is really a valid measure of my spiritual practice. I learned to be indifferent to boredom. When I'm bored, I remember the times when I went over the top and take pleasure in it. Just like I enjoy being stupid again, or praise the fact that I will die some day. That is stoicism 101. EDIT: That's humble bragging 101.

So, why does it trigger my ego? Well, who the hell are you to judge me by your standard of delusion, mister? I am definitely not going to trust society with establishing what delusion is, so it's you versus me with no arbiters. If I am truly deluded, then wouldn't you seem deluded from my perspective? If that is the case, then how do you know that it is in fact me, who is deluded and not you? Because you trust your inner sense of truth? Because you meditated your ego out of existence? Don't give me that bullshit, I know you're just a scared little animal that wants to survive. Oh, because what, you are a personal development teacher that wants to threaten my ego? Oh yes, my ego feels triggered as fuck, good job with that. Your mere sight via TV screen triggers me, how loving you've become! Soon, you're gonna be stoned to death like a proper saint by pedestrians on the street, that's how pure you are! Rotten society can't stand you, they will poison you like Osho, or something. So, now that I established that I'm deluded to the point of being triggered by my own imagination, what did I learn? It seems like I am a spiritual ego that is attached to my commitment to honesty and truth. Do I think that I am somehow better than a 'regular' person? Hmm, calling people regular compared to me, really does seem like I'm putting myself on a pedestal. Why do I care so much about being recognized if I committed to being nobody? Do I do this for myself, or do I do this for other people? Until recently I thought that by becoming a useless teapot, I reject society's influence on me and develop myself to the point that people can't help to need me. That's a first-class delusion of a spiritual ego. Now that I experienced some suffering and opened up to vulnerability I suddenly feel inferior and play the game of a gentle puppy. That's just another survival strategy, but in order to find balance, I need to explore it and understand its insanity. The strangest thing is that I really do feel that I need people and I do not pretend to be vulnerable. This very journal is the place where I rip myself open publicly, so that people know what kind of crazy person they deal with. Is this some form of masochism? There is this strange feeling of a fresh wound that feels, hmm, pleasurable - or at least authentic, alive. Well, as useless as I am - I still need other people. At least this knowledge gives me different grounds for functioning in society. Now, I develop myself for two purposes: So that people can't help but need me Because I understand how useless I am and I need others to take care of me That's a paradox where from one point of view I am this perfect crystal statue of usefulness and from the other, a vulnerable being made of flesh and bones. Can I balance this delusion without being ridiculous? I guess there's only one way of finding out.

@Leo Gura You know Leo, it's not like it's clear what you mean when you say: Isn't that knowledge if I cling to it? Can I fake it until I make it? Or should I rather suffer for my ignorance mindfully until I get how stupid and misguided I am? You make it sound so simple that it makes me think that you're so far out there that you forgot how it's like to be us, miserable devils.

@PetarKa My responses may seem like I'm mocking you, but I assure you that I'm not. You can't be sure of anything and the truth is that you do not need to be intellectually certain of anything in order function. Realizing the truth does not introduce anything new. Truth have always been this way and you simply weren't aware of it. Now that you are, why the mental hiccups? Alternatively - think of it this way: your lack of certainty does not stop you from doubting yourself. Are you certain that it is appropriate to be uncertain about your epistemology? Does it stop you from doubting? Maybe it is the case that you are not deliberately choosing to doubt based on your conscious knowledge? Maybe you don't notice the underlying mechanics of what is happening? I know this feeling. When I was in your shoes, I simply stopped asking questions until I sorted my stuff out by myself. My advice is: talk to people to understand yourself instead of understanding them. They all are projections of your own psyche, right? We, egoic humans, always know how it all ends. We are all going to die sooner or later. We were born ignorant and stay ignorant. The only knowledge we accumulate is self-deception. The only certainty there is can be acquired by choosing to not question any further. The only people that are sane are the ones you do not know. We are all insane, some of us want to be as insane as everybody else, and some simply want to do it their own, individual way. Your life will get on with you. You are an insignificant speck of the giant machine you call 'my body'. Have a good day!