tsuki

Funny stuff. My wife told me that she came across her ex boyfriend yesterday evening. We talked about their dynamic before and I thought that I'm perfectly cool with it since it happened around 10 years ago. Yeah, no. My disgust had me entertained for about half an hour and it was purely sexual in nature. Maintaining curiosity was pleasantly challenging. Again, I found myself to be defensive when I was overwhelmed by emotions. I can shift the energy at will along the spine and I'm distributing it evenly without letting it go into my head. It reminded me of the experience I had on LSD, where I would feel like a tenderized piece of raw steak. Instead of embracing this vulnerability however, I closed down and avoided eye contact. During that time, the mind came up with all the ways in which I fail compared to an idealized partner. When some memory came up when I felt hurt, I said it to not let the ferment spread. Yesterday I had to stay overtime and got unusually frustrated. The program was not working correctly and it corrupted the work that I stayed to do. One of my coworkers has a very mocking attitude. I usually enjoy it, but it fueled my frustration yesterday. I had no remorse telling him to fuck off because he was distracting me. Again - defensiveness during overwhelming emotional state. And here's the funniest part: I noticed that we have an usual lot of money for this time of month and I was curious why that happened. We were joking around with my wife and my sister and my sister said: "why don't you have a car accident?". Well, when we were driving back home the break pedal started malfunctioning. Thankfully, handbrake was still working and I was present enough to notice the fault safely. I'll have to get this fixed on Monday.

As strange as it sounds, I think that interacting with people with the intent to help them is a mistake. To look at another person as if he/she was somehow weaker, less complete, is to validate the self-image of a victim. It is right to give what is needed, only as long as it is done between equals. If it's not, then treating the other as your equal is the 'help' they need to get first. In this sense, helping others is not meaningful because it does not ennoble anybody. It is not a virtue. It is simply a way to exercise your embodiment.

If you are completely authentic and vulnerable and she leaves you, then she is doing you a favor. Just imagine being with her for 40 years while pretending to be someone you're not. Every day trying to outsmart her, concealing your flaws and exaggerating your achievements. Being on guard, not letting anything wrong slip, so that you are the man you assume that she finds attractive. Does this sound like something you would be interested doing? I assume not. If she leaves you after you show your true colors, then it means that one of you were probably not ready for a relationship. No, women like men that can take care of their own emotions and be useful. That has nothing to do with being non-emotional. To get to that point you have to be very in touch with whatever you're going through emotionally. It depends from what point of view the man is sharing his ups and downs. Men don't usually talk about problems if they can take care of them by themselves. People that genuinely need help and ask for it are much better than the ones that pretend that everything is cool while being walking time-bombs. It is a sign of maturity and strength when a man knows his weaknesses and is not afraid to ask others to help him overcome them. It depends on the subject matter. If she's feeling negative emotions towards something that is happening between the two of you - it is best to remain stoic. If, however, she's emotional towards something external, then there's nothing wrong in joining. Only if you're pretending that you're looking for it. If you're genuinely empathetic then it's a plus. No! It's a two-way street.

If your boss can talk down to you like that, then he thinks that you provide little value to the company. The question is: can they really fire you, or are you an asset? As an intern, you have little room for mistakes like that. Generally speaking - if your boss is yelling at you, then it means that he's under pressure and can't give you the attention that you require. He is basically crying for help, but since you're an intern - he's ashamed of it. Use this opportunity to step up your game and increase your value. This is how you can be more secure.

Apparently, my wife is not an oyster, but a squid. She deploys squirts black ink for protection. You don't open a squid to get to the soft parts, silly.

I need to cool off before I write anything. Too much heat at the moment. It's both good and bad, right and wrong, cruel and compassionate. I feel shameless. The only appropriate word that comes to mind right now that captures this situation is: utter madness. My mind wants to settle on conclusions and I know that it's not the right thing to do now. My wife is suffering a lot, but she's finally in touch with what she's lost in the recent years. She has sold herself to the idea of marriage and dried up inside. She has thrown away parts of herself to protect it. I want her to reclaim these parts and be whole again. Marriage is not an idea and is not a territory.

There are 7 billion people and just one Mandy. To try to live a life like somebody else is the greatest crime and treason. We all live with our lives at stake and we make the best decisions we possibly can given the circumstances we find ourselves in. To look back and regret is to spit in your own face, to throw your life away. It is a fundamental disrespect towards the miracle that is happening right here, every second, just for you. To tell another person that she made a mistake and destroyed her life is blasphemy. Even if you were screwing around waiting for your husband to support you - this is your decision to make because it is your life that's at stake. Can you imagine making that decision consciously, with full understanding of what it entails? To be prepared for whatever comes with it despite what others tell you? In my eyes, that commands respect.

That's soul-crushing. Is there a social stigma related to that? Why would you want to talk about what you do, if you could, like, do what you do?

Why do you feel sorry? Is there something more Mandy than Mandy? Your work is amazing, I have never seen anything like that. I don't follow the trends and I don't know what's considered good glasswork. What I do know though is that it brings joy to my heart and I believe that's what's important.

I'm starting to think that's humble bragging. You like to be praised for your work, don't you?

RIP journal. What am I? An 80's music fan, apparently.

How am I even supposed to answer to that? I feel indebted to you.

I don't know why, but it sounds sad. Is this a goodbye? Maybe I'm confusing sad with beautiful again.

Thank you. If you ever feel like I can help you with anything - don't hesitate to ask.

Sigh. First she pokes and now she goes back to her shell.

Now you got me curious. You're gonna leave me with this?

@now is forever That is how I understand and relate to it. It is grounded in my experience. Other than that, karma is everything. It is all mechanical/organic/divine. There is no control or free will. The only freedom there is, is the directionlessness of the present moment.

@now is forever Never had that one figured out. Will you tell me? I tend to think of it as the currents in the sea of life. The Oracle of the Cosmic Way calls karma fate. Fate happens when we react to what we think that should happen, instead of being in tune with whatever is present. This creates a strangeloop between the subjective and the objective that traps us in a paradigm.

It doesn't feel right to answer this question, but yes - I can. My attention is focused on redirecting energy to my solar plexus. I'm not allowing it to run through the mind. It brings worry and reactivity.

Today was a challenging day at work. It is the first time I'm supposed to program machining of a tool made of aluminum. It's a whole set of cutters that I rarely use and it is different from steel in many ways. That's not the issue. The issue is that these molds are manufactured on very tight deadlines and I prefer to have more space. 10 Techniques Can you keep your soul in its body, hold fast to the one, and so learn to be whole? Can you center your energy, be soft, tender, and so learn to be a baby? Can you keep the deep water still and clear, so it reflects without blurring? Can you love people and run things, and do so by not doing? Opening, closing the Gate of Heaven, can you be like a bird with her nestlings? Piercing bright through the cosmos, can you know by not knowing? To give birth, to nourish, to bear and not to own, to act and not lay claim, to lead and not to rule: this is mysterious power.

@mandyjw It only looks pink because we were sitting right under the spotlight. Ruby pink is nice, but I thought that you had the perfect beads already?

@mandyjw