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About Silvester

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  1. I don't know what else to do, so I will post here. This is my emotional babbling, feel free to ignore this post if you don't feel like it. I seem to keep messing up other people's lives. A few weeks ago I left a bump in my parents new car. I just got my license. My mental health declined a bit for a few weeks after that. Yesterday I came back from a 2 week vacation and today, an hour ago, my first day back, I get into a bike accident with my mom. I took the wrong direction out of habit and she landed, I did not. Her glases are broken, her hip recieved some damage and her kneecap is open. When it happened it felt like a dream. Like I would wake up any moment. I know people here probably have way worse things they've accidentaly done but my emotional state is very unstable. I felt no guilt, nothing at first. I can hear her downstairs in pain when she takes a wrong step. I don't think its all too bad (she walked home at least), but the thing is that my parents will go on holiday (ironically the same island I was on) in a week. She can't get glases till then and we don't know if the pain subsides till then. I'm in a weird space right now. Sort of like looking over a very high cliff, unsure if I will fall any second. I am used to suicidal thoughts coming and going but there's nothing yet. Just an odd sadness, and like none of it is real. Its so strange, the day began so lightweight. So happy. What does it mean? Am I bad luck? I feel like bad luck. What should I feel? Should I feel guilty? Cuz I don't. I am afraid of that emptiness in me. I keep imagining very spiritual people in my head, looking at me (Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle) asking them to look at me. I want to be looked at and I want to see what they see. I don't know what I am anymore. So many times I have messed things up and felt broken afterwards. But now I just don't know anymore. I want to leave. Just hours ago I thought it would be nice to have a last few months at my parenst before I go to university. Now I feel like I need to disappear. It also feels silly to me, like nothing bad really happened. But then I don't know if anything bad happened. I just don't know what it means. Why did it happen? Why does it keep happening? Its so mysterious to me. I don't know how long this odd nothingness will last. How long before the guilt comes. I think I destroyed their holiday. She can't even take the stairs. She can't see. Why should she go? I was the sweetest when it happened. I am still sweet. I held no judgement against her whatsoever. I accept her anger, I want her to be as angry as she wants to be. Like I said, I just didn't know what else to do. I feel idle wanting to share this. Oh how painful haha. Its just so painful. Things just topple over each other. This looks so silly now that I look at it. Such a long post, trying to get some redemption from people I don't even know. Life is so stupid. I am a fool for thinking it could get better. It doesn't seem to work for me. It is embarassing, all of this. I don't care though, I don't know who else to talk to. I'm excited to see what others think, will someone reproach me or will people try to soothe my guilt. Or will no one answer at all. It doesn't matter, I just needed this to be put somewhere and I like this place. All you people here are so wise. I just keep asking why, why why. Why does anything happen. But I feel like things just happen as they please. I had made a whole plan of it. I had written down goals and intentions. For the coming months. I was so hopeful. Excited even, as I rarely am. Maybe this is what Leo means by growth sometimes leading backwards. Some part of me doesn't want goals. Doesn't want happiness. Whenever I am somewhat happy something gets in the way again. Maybe life is harsh so that we may turn inward and find happiness there. Like this. It keeps knocking me down over and over again. But whatever, I have to think. Thanks for reading. Maybe you'd like to share if you feel the same, or otherwise.
  2. @Edogowa Conan Hey, I‘ve been following your thread for a while. With your last post, are you saying your ego dissolved? Was this temporary or constant? Also, was this achieved through the work or some other technique? Congrats btw on realizing, must have been shitty to carry around. Sorry for questioning you like this, I am just really curious what a regular practice of the work can do to the psyche and you seem to be pretty consistent. I‘d also be interested in how your general happiness has increased over the last couple months, if you practiced the work as you said you would. Cheers!
  3. @FoxFoxFox Can you elaborate? I don't understand what you mean by dimensions. How can something without attributes have different dimensions? Or does the way in which it is perceived divided into 12th dimensions? But the perception itself would be consciousness.. Confused. @ivankiss So it has intelligence.. I can't wrap my head around it. How can it have intelligence? How can something that is nothing and is completely void, have intelligence? Of course this brings up the problem that I don't even understand intelligence. I get stuck on one particular thing. I divide the world in my head into two conceptual categories: The void, nothingness in which everything is occuring and the forms that take place in it. (Including any phenomena like intelligence, sentience etc.). I don't yet understand how they are both the same. Exactly the part where the duality of something vs nothing collapses. Hasn't clicked yet.
  4. People use terms like "higher consciousness" or say "become more conscious". To know if consciousness is quantifiable, one would need to know what it is first. And as far as I have come to understand, it is, well, nothing. The sort of nothing that has no attributes whatsoever. So how can it be more or less? Does a rock have "less" consciousness than me? How can that be if consciousness is always the same (nothing). Or do people who talk about "becoming more conscious", actually mean the quantity and ability to understand or be conscious of consciousness itself? That which we try when we self inquire. Turning observation onto itself. Is that what they mean? A human mind seems to be more suited for that then a rock. But there will not be "more" consciousness still, right? We also talk about becoming "more" conscious when we talk about earthly matters like whats going on in the world or a particular field. Being more conscious about pollution or something like that. This definition to me seems to be more intelligence and knowledge based. In that case a rock would have less "consciousness" than me. Language makes this very confusing to me. Its like there are multiple definitions for one word: "Consciousness".
  5. Hey guys, I am looking for a good vipassana meditation retreat in Thailand. I've heard of one at the Wat Chom Tong and Wat Tam Doi Tohn Temple. I am looking for like a 10 day retreat (not basic course) that includes vegeterian food. Have any of you guys done a retreat in Thailand that you recommend? Also are there any other "spiritual things" you can recommend to do in Thailand.
  6. @exhale Thanks for your answer, I do agree! Its not a black and white kind of thing.
  7. I was wondering about this notion that the 100% happiness mark can only be reached if you are autonomous and on top of the pyramid of society so to speak. Some of the concepts Leo talked about in his video about escaping wage slavery. It was something about being really happy is possible as an employee but being something like an entrepreneur would be favorable. What about jobs and passions that require employment? Things like being a teacher or a doctor. Sure you could open up your own school or hospital but I doubt you’d be doing much teaching or stitching people back up because of all the organization and marketing etc that is necessary in entrepreneurship. I just feel like a lot of time would be used up and not much would be left for the actual craft. On the other hand entrepreneurship sounds totally great and amazing, I am just weighing out the pros and cons right now. This is not even really concerning myself I have no idea what I should do but I just had this thought. Can anyone explain this paradox to me? Or is the premise false anyways?
  8. @Sahil Pandit as far as I can tell with my inquiry practice it sort of doesn’t exist. In fact, whenever I truly look at somethig, all attributes fall away @Jack River you are probably right haha, maybe I should not overthink this so much. I do like how these spiritual concepts can motivate one to do the work but other than that they can be very confusing. Sometimes I can’t decide if I should contemplate something or observe it as in meditation. Although those two practices blend into one another sometimes. Anyway, thx for the response guys
  9. New video confused me a bit. When I do inquiry on things I find evil, I usually realize that it’s me projecting. But now considering what Leo talked about, should Ialso accept it as evil, as evil being part of me? Realizing that both good and evil is part of me, of the true self, seems a different approach than questioning both concepts and realizing that they both don’t exist. Or does it it ultimately end in the same result? He talked about accepting and loving unconditionally. Is that different from questioning everything through inquiry? Because in inquiry the usual approach would be to realize that the thing I am looking at is only a projected concept. So what do I love then? Also, when questioning beliefs, most of the time I would work on the ones that create negative emotion (eg:the world is unfair) rather than positive beliefs (the world is fair). Both are conceptual. Would it be better to just question both negative and positive ones? Because after watching the video it seems sort of non- holistic to only work the negative ones... Lol I think I am overthinking this a little bit haha Btw no hate on Leo I loved the episode. Really nice ears.
  10. I couldn’t find any hypnosis books on Leo‘s booklist so I thought you guys may have some suggestions. Also, what do you think of the topic, is it a worthwhile pursuit? Anyone gotten some interesting results? I was thinking mostly of self hypnosis, not conversational.
  11. @How to be wise Awesome! gosh I just love this process. I wasn't sure at first if the method isn't direct enough because you have to actively search for beliefs so to speak... but I guess if you do it long enough you’ll automatically stumble upon the hidden core belief.
  12. I was wondering if the process called the Work, created by Byron Katie, can be considered shadow work? If you would use it on past memories, maybe even situations of trauma, or to change a deeply seated belief, it should fall under that category, right? Sorry for this lame definition question
  13. @St Clair thank you for response! This is kind of late now, life got in the way one might say. I love your ideas with the Trojan Horse in relation to shadow work and stuff. Stories are good for that I guess. I thought of starting a blog many times before but I am never sure what to write about... fiction? I could write about personal dev. stuff but I don't know if that's a good niche to then sell novels suddenly. Do you use your blog to attract your audience that will buy your books or do you write about topics unrelated to fiction writing? I think you got me convinced, maybe I'll give this blogging thing a go haha @SirVladimir at 17! Don't stop mate, who knows maybe you'll be the next Rolling!
  14. Hey guys, I am stuck and need some advice. I have several interests but I never know if any of them are marketable and what I really want to do for a long time. I like fiction writing but I also like to listen to people and to teach them, give them insights. I thought of researching topics like shadow work and emotional healing and conveying the information in a blog. (And then eventually selling a related product or doing coaching). I don't know if that is a realistic plan though... Making a living being a fiction author is sort of difficult I assume and I am not sure if it would have the positive impact the way the blog would have. Whenever I think of those ideas I feel overwhelmed by all the technical details I'd have to take care of and the time it would take to build it. I don't know how to decide, commit or actually start any of those endeavors.. any advice?
  15. I am interested in the effects of doing the Work by Byron Katie for an extended period of time. As for myself I was not very consistent until now with the practice but still feel like it has helped me a lot. Feelings of peacefulness and openness wash over me whenever I do it, so I am curious what could happen if you were to do it for a long time habitually. Especially what kind of spiritual growth one could expect. Theoretically, if you were to question the statement "I am a person" and several other identifications, would it be possible to attain enlightenment with this process? Anyone here with some experiences? Also generally how the process changed your mind and life, short term as well.