LastThursday

I'm reminded of all the Catholic festivals in Spain, a form of blue collective hedonism I'd say. And, the celebration at weddings in general from all cultures. Can't think of any more.

I'm itching to know who reads my journal. Who is that has viewed my journal nearly 18,000 times? Honestly, most of them were not me. And... I already know who some of you are. Ha! Anyway, in the olden days before the dawn of the internet proper (c. 1995), there were only a few ways to know anything at all: Mass media (TV, Newspapers, Films) Books (local library or school) Make a phone call (various services) Word of mouth Write a letter requesting information Divine thunderbolt (rare in my case) Nowadays we have the opposite problem. We only have a few ways of not knowing : Switch off your mobile or device Step away from the laptop Switch off the streaming service Get away from people I think I'm from an age group that can just about can resist the temptation to look up information, when we get together. It always happens, when did Tom Cruise do his last film? Whatever happened to Daryl Hannah? What is the weather going to be in East Sussex next week when we're having a picnic? But, even we still can't resist the temptation when our phones beep and bop at us for attention, and we simply must take that phone call even if we're in the middle of a good conversation. Do I lament the passing of the olden days? Nah. But I do have the ability to contrast 2021 with 1984, and something has been lost because of technology. It's got a lot harder to let go of things. In 1984 if you didn't know something and couldn't find out, you'd just move on and forget it. In 1984 if you arranged to meet somewhere, and no-one came, then you made the best of a bad situation and found something else to do or went home again. It was common for teenagers to run up big phone bills - that was the only way to contact someone instantly (from your home only though) - or you physically had to meet up. We seem to be ever drifting away from direct physical face-to-face contact. Instead we're lost in a world of text, images and constant attention and ego stroking (the irony of this post isn't lost on me). I've got very good at ignoring my mobile when I want to. Some days I switch it off entirely, I take a walk without it. I pretend to have bad reception or that I've forgotten to charge the thing. I notice that people get kind of worried or jumpy when you're not instantly contactable, or if I go days or weeks without contacting back. I just don't care. I don't feel a constant need to give attention or to receive it to cater for some neurotic underlying neediness. I find it a lot harder to step away from the laptop. My work is in IT so I'm already fighting a losing battle. I still feel a deep down wonderment at what a laptop can actually do, even though I know how it all works to a deep level (bits, bytes and transistors). I used to read science fiction stories, where there would be portals through which you could view other worlds (in 1984). And fuck me, I'm now living in that science fiction story. I used to code programs on my home micro (pre PC days) just so I could have conversations with it. And here we are, the computer talks back to me in 2021. I'm still in the thrall of my laptop and technology, it's a privilege be able to experience it and live through it. I'm from the last century and strangely proud of it.

I wonder if the genius of the internet was invented by a loner?

Doesn't sound crazy at all to me. Self delusion is always possible though, never assume you're right.

I'm going Mooji style today: YOU are not an object. You are not an object. You are not an object. You are not a vessel full of crap. You are not a vessel full of crap. You are not a vessel full of crap. You can be loved. You can be loved. You can be loved. You can love. You can love. You can love. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. Your potential is endless. Your potential is endless. Your potential is endless. You are not an opinion. You are not an opinion. You are not an opinion. You are not less than others. You are not less than others. You are not less than others. You will change. You will change. You will change. We have each other. We have each other. We have each other. You are human and proud. You are human and proud. You are human and proud.

I would say there's neither observer or observed, this is just a feature of (the English) language confusing the issue. You're brainwashed by things like: Mary looks at John. The verb looking requires there to be a subject (observer) and object (observed). Something closer would be: Mary looks. The implication being that the act of looking (verb) is the same at what's being looked at (noun). But it's still not quite there. The act of observing is in fact exactly that which is being observed. They're not different things. Ask yourself, does the observer observe itself? How do you know you're an observer?

Regardless of whether we get a new section or not, we can all lead by example (and do already) and show that empathy and emotional intelligence and unconditional love are important and part of the mix. I know that I could definitely improve in these areas. I realise it's a like swimming against the current, but it's doable. Let the workers revolt! Sorry, I mean forum members work in partnership...

@Shin it's a great idea. But it will need strong loving moderation from the outset, otherwise it will degenerate into "I'm more loving than you" or "emotions are silly" type battles. And the super-rational-analytical-left-brained types will need to be kept in check too (guilty).

One phenomenon that I've had to deal with throughout my life is the sensation of being sidelined. It's only really quite recently that I've begun to work through this shadow. The reasons for that sensation are kind of complicated. The most obvious one being that I'm from two cultures. They were definitely not mutually incompatible cultures (both being Western European), but they were different enough. I think I felt this keenly as a young kid. Looking back on it as a family unit in Spain, we were relatively isolated. I don't remember having that many friends not even in school. We would never get visitors. It would seem that my parents themselves were quite isolated in this respect too, I don't really remember them having friends either. My sister and I made up for this lack by being each other's best friend, this was just a natural thing. My dad would often say we were like twins. Back in England and being older I was much more aware that I was "different". However, I did make friends easily and this made up for the sidelining. However at home, my parents continued to be quite isolated, but mostly it didn't matter, we were either in school with our friends, or playing outdoors my sister and me. We never really fitted in with the local kids as we got older, there was a difference in temperament and attitude. The local kids were rough and physical and there would often be skirmishes; arguing, fighting and making fun of people was the way to behave. We were soft and defenceless kids my sister and me, we were never inculcated into that way of being. I never grew up to be a "lad". Of course that sort of weakness was taken advantage of both in and out of school, kids are ruthless. That in itself made me feel different and somewhat isolated. The final straw was a fight started by a local kid with me and my sister, and my mum ended up manhandling the kid to stop the fight. The police were called in, and it was all very tense and emotional. From that point on I kind of decided that it wasn't for me, and I stopped "playing out". My sister followed suit, as I could no longer protect her outside. From the ages of 13 to 19 I felt very isolated with just one or two friends in school. School in itself was brutal at times and the constant low level bullying just intensified the feelings of not fitting in. I think those years were especially formative in setting up how I viewed myself. My dad showed little interest as he worked all hours, and my mum wasn't ever that good at showing me and my sister the kind of interest we needed. We mostly just entertained ourselves: computers for me, and art and music for my sister. At 19 and at university I finally let loose. My friends were mostly middle class, I wasn't, but I felt that I fitted in for the first time ever. One effect of my feeling different and isolation was that it allowed me to behave differently from the people around me. Over the teenage years I had learned to be self sufficient and got to know myself quite well. This gave me a certain confidence to be authentically me, I wasn't out to be a sheep and just fit in anymore! I noticed that some people found this attractive in me, I had a certain confidence in myself. However, I did a 180 degree turn and became quite hedonistic after years of feeling repressed. Whilst it was fun and a relief, I started to realise that I wasn't being taken seriously. Despite my intellectual abilities my friends never did think much of me in that department, they were clever as fuck themselves. But nor would they take my advice or think that I had anything to offer, other than simply being entertained by me. And at the bottom of it all I was from a different social background - I had to learn to be middle class to fit in. It grated. This feeling of never being quite up to scratch no matter what I did, has ingrained itself deeply in me. It has lead to a kind of mixture of emotions: frustration, disappointment, embarrassment over expressing myself, and lingering social anxiety and a largely stubborn attitude. Even now I find it hard to engage people on my terms, so much so that I've mostly given up on that. Either I go along with what other people want, or I do things alone and how I want. People are just not interested in what I'm interested in. One of the biggest reasons I isolated myself from my long term friends in Brighton, is that I was never taken seriously, and worse I didn't have kids and all that to talk about. I didn't care about what they cared about, and I couldn't talk at length about the latest super hero film, or what happened in the news, or anything at all. Fast forward to now. I've been forced into a position at work at least, where I am listened to and my advice is taken. In that small sphere of my life, I've got what I always wanted. It's taken a good few years for my employer and customers to trust my judgement. And that pattern has been repeated again and again in my life. I always seem to be treated as if I was near invisible or just not seriously at all, and then over some time, it dawns on people how much I have to offer. I also have a set of friends that have started to take me seriously. They listen to what I say. They're even interested in some of the things I am: walking, photography and so on. They still don't do spirituality, consciousness or even computer programming (although even I can't bring myself to talk about that), but you can't have everything. I've never particularly lacked confidence in my abilities, but I have lacked confidence in expressing myself to others. I'm able to express certain aspects of myself well, but not others. This feeling of being sidelined for most of my life, never really had anything to do with other people. It had everything to do with me. I felt wounded and abandoned and honestly, I didn't take myself very seriously for a large part of my life. Slowly I'm learning, slowly I'm getting there, I'm taking responsibility for what I want. I'm a force to be reckoned with.

It's been a while (understatement) since I dated. The following is exactly how I would like to date (swearing warning): Which character am I?

Even an unperceptive person will recognise the vulnerability at some level. I agree we don't show vulnerability because of neediness on our part, it's not to get a positive reaction from people - that would be manipulation. We get hurt because people are hurtful, not because our expectations were dashed. I can be genuinely open and vulnerable: I go on this forum because I'm lonely; you call me a loser who should get some friends, and I feel hurt. I'm hurt at your unpleasant reaction, not because my ploy for being vulnerable failed (for example). In fact the worst reaction to expressing vulnerability is indifference, because a connection to the person wasn't made. Again, showing vulnerability is not about forcing a connection, or expecting one, but just a side effect of it.

@Leo Nordin if we're not worried about each other, then what are we honestly doing here? I journal to share a part of myself, of course I'm worried about others. Honestly? Start journaling to occupy your mind, let the rest happen by itself. Part of the "package" of enlightenment is that you realise there is no time. It doesn't matter if I wait two seconds, or until my deathbed for enlightenment. Urgency and impatience is ego and all that. Anyway, no more labouring my points. Feel free to PM me if the need arises.

Each to their own, it's not one size fits all. On average however, there should be no disposition towards one or the other. Wisdom and genius lives both in loners and crowds.

Is that silence in a crowd or alone?

I'm going to be extremely picky. It doesn't follow that meditation allows you to see the vast interconnections between things. It doesn't follow that happiness comes from seeing the vast interconnections between things. And it doesn't follow that being happy is fulfilling your potential. In general. Maybe it does for you specifically. The original question is asking are you more likely to fulfill your potential by being a loner (in general)? The answer is, it depends on what "fulfill potential" means in general. And, once you've fulfilled your potential, is there any utility in it? If I learn to speak Russian, I'm I really fulfilling my potential if I don't ever speak it with anybody else? Does being a loner really allow you to fulfill your potential?

I would only counter by saying that it's non-obvious what: actually means in practice. Is an advanced meditator a wise genius? What potential is being fulfilled here? I don't have the answer, but it's always interesting to notice the meta aspect of a question.

One needs the other. The crowds need loners and loners need the crowds.

@Preety_India I'd say that no one became less delusional by being a loner. You need the wisdom of other people (the crowd) to keep you sane. Isn't this forum a crowd?

Obviously there's no wisdom in crowds. Crowds, for example governments, have never been wise that's why we don't need them. I wonder if the pandemic has made us all wiser with all that time spent alone? Ok I'm being facetious. What is the use in wisdom or genius, if you don't have a crowd to practise it in? Is it even wise not to share your wisdom?

If self sufficiency is the opposite of neediness, then there is no need to fake it. We aim to be completely comfortable in our own skin when we're single, we enjoy being single. This is attractive to any person. When we pair up, we are also completely comfortable, we enjoy being in a relationship. We don't expect our partner to cater to our every need. Instead, whether single or not, we stay open, show vulnerability and grace, and this provides the authentic connection to other people. This openness is also attractive, people recognise that expressing vulnerability takes courage.

Midnight Euphoria I just this second noticed an odd sensation that I get around now (23:56) some nights. I normally try and practise sleep procrastination. I hate getting up in the morning. And, equally I hate going to sleep in the night. Don't know, it's probably some pattern that started when I was small, lost to time and memory. In my scrambling to do anything but sleep I play music, surf, look stuff up, it's like I suddenly wake up out of my daytime trance. The body gets tired, and the eyes heavy, but my soul loosens a bit and I break free. I start to feel euphoric, on the verge of tears at times, and I feel like I'm on the edge of something wonderful, I can taste it. Yet. I must sleep and I can't indulge the euphoria for too long lest it take hold permanently. @Leo Nordin I'm guessing enlightenment is not something you know how to do do. I'm pretty sure it has nothin to do with doing. There isn't a method to it. All that can be done is to lay the groundwork, which you seem to be doing, and hope for the best. There is the idea that enlightenment requires removing everything - like furniture in a room - before it can be invited in. The ideal enlightment is to both be an egoic human and realised at the same time. I'm going to cite @mandyjw here, because she very much embodies that principle: both being human and being enlightened, there's no separation between the two: This idea is also reflected in the Ten Ox Hearding Pictures. The tenth picture, is Entering the Marketplace with Helping Hands, which is this idea again: https://tricycle.org/magazine/ten-oxherding-pictures/ You are enlightened, yet you wish to rejoin humanity.

Do love me a bit of Chemical Brothers

@Leo Nordin I disagree that it's a waste of my time. The original intent of my journal hasn't changed: The intent is not to get enlightened through journalling. That would be futile and silly. It's also not about playing mind games with myself. But it's just about writing things down as they come up so I don't forget them, because they might come in useful in future. It's also just an expression of my creativity, I enjoy writing. That's good enough for a journal. You ask why I don't just become enlightened? I'll give you an analogy: Imagine you've fallen down a well. The well is damp and dark, all you can see is the light of the opening to the well far far above. How do you get back out? You try and climb the walls, but they're too slippery. You shout and pray for assistance, but no-one hears you. You wait hoping someone will come by and rescue you. You use your intelligence and make a mental map of the well, brick by brick, hoping it will give you a clue to escape (my method). You start taking bricks out and think about digging your way out, but it's too much work. Then, one day it rains hard and the well starts filling up, and slowly you float up to the surface and climb out to freedom. You really shouldn't get too concerned or upset about what I write: just get to know your own well.

@Sempiternity thanks!

@Leo Gura your response to @SoonHei's death has been the correct one and timely and I commend you for being open and listening too. My heart goes out @SoonHei's family. I watched your videos nearly from the start and have personally gained a huge amount from them. I came to the forum much later but I've grown to like the anything goes nature of it. As you say, it's a place to hang out. Where else can I talk about consciousness, leaving home, give advice about relationships, read about building a business, solipsism and the dreaded free will? And to be in the presence of so many enlightened masters, all in one place? Nowehere else, that's the answer. I could even investigate politics if I could bring myself to do it. And amazingly I've started a journalling habit for the first time in my life. Enough simping. Some questions: How do you square the circle then? Do you still want this place to be somewhere to hang out, or does it or should it serve a different purpose? How do you have a carefree, free-for-all forum without many rules, but maintain civility and decent behaviour, and have reasonable standards and less bullshit? Especially as the number of forum members expands. Does it need more moderators? Does it need stricter and more rules? Is the very structure of the forum at fault for low standards (if there are any)? How do you get over the churn of people on the forum, most of them newcommers who need proper guidance in what you're teaching? What about the inexperience of the early twenty somethings making up the large majority of members here? I've noticed myself naturally slowly moving away from the forum over time, mostly because I seem to have exhausted a lot of the subjects that interest me on here. I'd like to progress in "the work", but the forum is not the place to do it maybe it never was. In that sense the forum serves its purpose well: as a stepping stone to higher things and for learning the lingo. Some of the things that disturb me about the forum is some of the casual bullying, harrassment, and stories of racism between members, and some amount of implied misogyny too, and the rudeness and extreme lack of empathy shown at times. I hope this kind of thing is taken extremely seriously and dealt with quickly in future, and there's solid system in place for it. Personally, thankfully, I haven't been at the receiving end of any of it and nor should anybody be.