billiesimon

I've tried to improve my sober self inquiry thanks to this video: @Leo Gura you mentioned two dimensions of waking up, one towards no-mind, another towards god-mind. The God Mind route passes through the Super Mind, some sort of active and awakening mind, which is not egoic in nature. MY SOBER EXPERIENCE OF SEEKING SUPER MIND: Since I generally have problems having insights with the no mind route, and even in psychedelic trips I tend to use an active mind to gain knowledge and oneness, I've started to train for several weeks on this active mind route. I've discovered that I can intentionally focus my mind only on debunking self deceptions, beliefs, ego structures, thoughts, emotions etc. It works like some sort of metaphysical voice which is very intelligent and sharp and notices all the mental dynamics of my identity. I'm also quite good and sharp in shadow work thanks to this feature I'm training. I've discovered through sober self inquiry, during a walk in the park alone, that this sort of metaphysically-oriented mind is very powerful and puts me in a state of PRESENCE and stillness, while at the SAME TIME the mind is very active and in debunk mode. What do I mean with debunk mode? Here are some examples: "There is no home left behind. You have no perceptions of home, there is no home right now. You are imagining it." "There is no time. Time is a concept you are using to lead a practical life. There is no trace of time in this present experience." "You call yourself Billiesimon, but that's just a name you gave yourself." Monkey mind: "No, my parents gave it to me" Super mind: "No, YOU are calling yourself Billiesimon RIGHT NOW, can you see it? You are remembering. Remembering means that you are observing a thought. That thought is not real. You decided to call "memory" a thing which is just a random thought. YOu have no actual memories." Monkey mind: "Stop doing this. I have a life. This world right here is happening and it has objetcts and it changes." Super mind: "No, you are just observing forms. The voice that is talking to me is also the voice which is creating meaning and direction and timelines. That voice is responsible for the meaning you find in life, and for the time progression too." And all these sort of things..... It's basically a form of Inquiring Mind that I have developed over two years of spiritual work and hardcore study of metaphysics and shadow work. This voice is very sharp and neutral, and after some time that it shows me the mental dynamics it starts to CREEP ME OUT, and I tend to leave it alone after a while. Because I have a life plan and projects. Right now, while writing this, the "super mind" is making me aware that my life projects and my interests are keeping me ASLEEP. I am aware of this. It's really creepy. Because I don't want to awake completely right now. I genuinely feel the desire to remain just 5-10% awake (or whatever it is). I feel like I am awake yet I am too afraid to be awake. I can't explain it, Leo. I don't want to sound arrongant. It's just that I feel at a deep stomach level that this life is going on just because I cling onto desires and projects. I can feel that. It's creepy and eerie. That's why I feel that I'm both awake and asleep. I'm not enlightened at all, just to be clear. It's a weird feeling. The feeling of knowing that I can dismantle it all with this super mind and lose all sense of reality. But I don't want to. I will do it in the future, after realizing my projects and interests. I'm too young to see life as mere perceptions floating in the void. Even though I've already seen it. Sorry for the long post. Of course I've also been told and demonstrated by the Super MInd that there are no others, because the ego mind is imagining others. Of course god is imagining others, but the direct responsible for others is the Ego Mind. Because Ego Mind keeps on telling stories and beliefs and feeling emotions related to "others". Yeah, I know I shouldn't be asking anybody, Leo But it's really scary. Especially because it's sober. Psychedelics are an excuse, just a plot tool, for the movie. I haven't taken psychs for at least 7 months, and yet I'm becoming slowly and slowly more aware..... Yeah. Psychs are just part of the plot. Give me your opinion, Leo. Also the other members Thanks a lot.

That sounds amazing. I really want to reach that sooner or later. Thought and emotion are extremely powerful and have a huge impact on perception, and also on manifestation of reality (especially beliefs). Reaching levels of trans-rational thinking seems to involve huge amounts of creative and understanding power

I'm pretty sure that this is the purest form of what we call supermind

Very nice. Thanks for the explanation, I'm very interested in achieving supermind, especially for metaphysical purposes. I guess that the classic meditative techniques (no mind oriented) are not good for that. Should I invest more effort into self inquiry and active contemplation to move towards supermind? I have noticed that the more I contemplate the more I become intelligent about emotions, thoughts, shadows etc. I'm also becoming good at connecting topics and several areas of existence together, like a unified holistic topic. But it's still a human form of intelligence, I recognize. What sober skills do you recommend to invest into?

Well, this trip has really evoked a lot of post-trip fear and existential anxiety in me.... even though I've already had the dark night of the soul a year ago. Yet I'm still shocked by this experience, even though it's generally positive and enriching. I've taken a small-medium dose of MXiPR, a warm and friendly dissociative, with no body load and no monkey mind or mind-load. It's very clean and warm, soft. But it seems to have struck a very powerful no-self awakening which has shocked me, even though the experience was peaceful. In the aftermath my identity was completely shocked and terrified of disappearing, even though I was already back. The Experience I was lying near the park in my car to enjoy the green view, and decided to plug rectally the dissociative. On empty stomach. Calm mood, relaxing music, calm mind. In 5 minutes the disso was working, and I started to feel very warm, soft, calm, and anesthetized. My mind was becoming more and more silent and still. My body started slowly to lose "definition" in its sensations. Even though they were still there. At around 10-15 minutes my mood was very calm and content, a lot of soft warmness was calming my body down, along with the chillout music. The Perfect No-Self At around 20 minutes, something changed DRASTICALLY, SUDDENLY. I lost completely track of my mind, my memory completely disappeared, my emotions were completely fused into a singular feeling of "calmness". Just that. The mind slowly disappeared, and the sense of ego-self abruptely went out. What remained? It was just perceptions. Just perceptions, no emotions, no thoughts, no ego, NO TIME. JUST PERCEPTIONS I was completely still. Actually there was no "I", not even the True Self (which I have felt in other awakenings). There wasn't even The Self.... No God, no Ego, No Mind. Nothing. IT WAS PURE VOID, PURE ABSOLUTE ETERNAL VOID. So, who was AWARE OF THIS VOID? NOBODY WAS AWARE OF THE VOID!!!! The perceptions were LITERALLY fluctuating in empty space!!!! Sounds of cars, sound of the music, images of the park, images of the sky. They were all that existed. And these "forms" were totally empty of life, empty of meaning, empty of a perceiver. There was no perceiver, no awareness. Yet these perceptions were floating and being here and now. The Return into Form/Ego After around 20 minutes of total perfect and absolute Anatman (No-Self), SOMETHING EMERGED from the emptiness. It was Mind. For the first time in my life, I have witnessed Mind emerge from the black emptiness of existence. It was something incredible. marvellous and mighty. Mind is so powerful, it is the powerful force which creates LIFE. Life is created by the tool called Mind, which shapes and creates a mental construction we call life and identity. I witnessed this PRIMORDIAL THOUGHT emerging from the darkness of the Void, and it started to ROAR in this empty awareness. "I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!" "I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!" "I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!" "I want to live my life, I want to get back into my form!" It repeated itself so many times, and the more that it repeated itself, the more I felt that I was somehow a human being, I started to remember that I have always believed to be a human, and that I wanted to carry on being a human. I started to panick, and felt my eyes tear up with water. "Please, I want to get back to form, I'm not ready to disappear, I'm still young! Please don't dissolve me, please, I AM WILLING TO GET BACK INTO THIS MENTAL FORM!!! THIS IS MY WILL AND I DECIDE RIGHT NOW TO GET BACK INTO FORM!!! THIS IS MY WILL, THIS IS MY WILL DONE!!!" I started to feel that I could move my body. Mind started to get a hold of my body and I remembered how to move it. "YES!!! I AM BACK IN FORM!!" I was so happy, so happy, so grateful to enjoy my form once again. I was really disappeared. I had disappeared. And then luckily mind returned here and now to remember this form. I was REALLY SURE that I was going to disappear FOREVER. For Eternity. I am not joking, guys. I feel like I was really close to disappear forever... had I not willed so DIVINELY and mightly to come back. I literally felt like my will was the WILL OF GOD for an instant. I'm pretty shocked by the experience, but still... I feel it was a huge progress in my awareness. Namaste.

On psychedelics I tend to keep my ego, but it becomes merged and unified with the other forms Really amazing sense of love and unity. Do you get the same experience?

Totally related to the memory suppression. Ego is all based on mental talk and beliefs, memories etc... In this sense dissos are better than psychs, which are amazing in feeling the true Self instead; the consciousness behind reality. Generally with disso I feel no-self, and with psychs I feel oneness and every perception tends to be ME.

That's exactly the feeling I mean I can guarantee you that when the ego started to come back, I was feeling like I would be stuck in formlessness FOREVER. I know that on a material level the substance should subside and let you come down after some time.... but I'm pretty sure that you can disappear once your sense of oneness is too powerful. The material level is just a byproduct of ego-mind/low cosciousness. I clearly felt that there was no material level at all..... I have NOWHERE to return, no form to return to.... It's that shocking I'm seriously happy that I came back.

Mh... I can attest that in my case dissos are very very powerful with plugging. I don't need high doses to hit strong experiences.

Well, there are experientially several levels of awakening. God realization is just the highest. Atman, No-self, Love, etc are all levels of awakening. Atman is just the individual awakening, when you FEEL deeply that you exist and that existence is timeless, you are awareness. God realization is the end goal of awakening, it's Brahman, the First Principle of existence. Note: I've only had Atman and No-self levels of awakening. I don't have any experience with God-awakening. But Atman is real, on a relatively-nondual paradigm. It's beyond the ego, and it's your "personal" dimension of oneness.

Brahman is the singularity, or God, yes. But Atman is real, it's just a lower form of awakening. It's the feeling of eternal existence/awareness. It's just a basic form of awakening/realization.

I have used almost only plugging. I have found that 2 ml small syringes are best. In my experience going all the way inside is the most powerful, because once you sit back again the liquid is going to drip down again, causing more absorption along the descent press hard and fast. All drops must be sent in the intestine with precision.

From my small experience with psychedelics and dissociatives, oral is very different from plugged in experience. Generally plugging has low body load and lesser negativity/anxiety. But it's also powerful and sometimes hardcore.

Religions are just rules and generic principles taken from enlightened masters, but they are not even close to the truth.

Very interesting phenomenon. Never heard about something like this. But sometimes it can happen naturally. I've had weird shifting experiences while waking up from my sleep, so it might be related to these altered states of consciousness.

It depends on the user, for every psychoactive substance. In my case it's very warm and comforting, but it causes amnesia and ego loss too. Amazing story. But don't trip in front of relatives, or it's going to cause you trouble.

Yes Leo I've read several trip reports before trying it out.

Yeah, dissociatives tend to create similar experiences of void and neutral peace. Psychedelics are more fit for exploring The Self and god consciousness

Thanks for the detailed explanation I'm still working on it. I also have regular moments of chaos and confusion where I feel that I know absolutely nothing and that it makes no sense that my mind is looking for "a sense" or understanding. It's total chaos sometimes The Self, or Atman/Brahman, is my main awakening constant, and also the most available in a sober state. I deeply feel my existence and the mystery of witnessing perceptions. I realize how identity is just thought structure and not being. The Self is existence. Which is different from thinking about existing. But forms are still a problem because i feel the self as something formless and permanent, underneath perceptions, prior to perceptions. Forms are somehow "irrelevant" when I feel the Self. That's where I'm at, and it definitely started with hardcore observation of everything, sight, sound, feel, thoughts, emotions etc, until I found that there's a deeper entity than those. I'm also surprised by the fact that it is not so difficult to feel

That's a very useful pointer. Do you think it's a duality of the mind? Well, I have problems feeling oneness with perceptions. But I feel oneness with the witnessing/being, the permanent awareness. But I have issues with feeling oneness with the impermanent, let's say. Is it a problem of the ego mind?

Well, that's right, I can't deny that perceptions ARE right now. I mean that.... there's a presence/core which remains even when forms change and thus impermanence happens. That's what I'm pointing to. That core is ME. The forms are "not true" in the sense that they are not the being ever-present. It's not easy to convey, but I have still a lot to understand about forms and perceptions. I can feel the core of being though. That's the real "god" to me. Because you can notice how you are always HERE while everything is impermanent. Even in night dreams of course. You are permanent.

By "darkness" I mean... no perception. Absence of form. It seems like I've been sitting here forever and ever in the total absence of form and perception. That's what I mean by the darkness "underneath". You could also say that I AM the invisible skeleton of reality, the invisible formless witness. The light who both observes reality and gets absorbed in watching it.

Well, from my inquiries and glimpses... form is just random paint on a canvas... Human mind creates meaning out of those random colors. There is no form when you stop conceptualizing trees and grass out of a landscape. The ego creates form in the end. I've had glimpses where form was literally random colors and random sensations like abstract art, to give an example. You surely already know this, but faces, cars, streets, sounds, smells are "forms" only because identification creates meaning. In the Awareness state there are no forms..... it's just eternal witnessing of.... I don't know what those are I can't tell accurately what perceptions are. I can tell you that perceptions were put there by me to create CONTRAST so I could FEEL my presence as an eternal witness. Yes, there are a lot of missing pieces..... But the fact is that, both in psychedelic and in sober inquiry state, I can feel that perceptions are "there" and I am "here", at the center of the center. I don't feel anything about creation and imagination, even though I totally see that reality is a dream occurring to ME. My deepest insight was realizing that all these images and sound have no meaning and NO EXISTENCE. I am literally observing a mirage. My real place is no-place, my real time is Eternity. I've also realized that by observing fake forms I'm escaping from the hard fact that THERE IS JUST ETERNAL DARKNESS. But this darkness is peaceful and complete, it's not something negative. But the ego felt so deeply scared of this eternal darkness. I have also noticed that this perception bubble is actually very limited and "small", while my core of being has infinite size and cannot be measured. I'm puzzled.

I've had the following facets of awakening: 1. Reality is a dream and it is all made of "liquid/dreamy" perceptions. 2. Completeness and absence of need and desires 3. I am Awareness. And awareness is a singular entity sitting in the DARKNESS forever and ever and ever.... Thus I have no form and I am eternal. Yet, I still never perceived my ability to create forms. @Leo Gura are these related to god realization? Or are they still very far away from it? Isn't the dream and the eternal awareness parts of god-consciousness?

Probably your answer is yes, but I'll ask. Going meta on this possible backlash... is it a challenge created by the Self/God to put you to test and evolve even more? I mean... From the highest perspective you're just being tested even more inside "the dream", right?