billiesimon

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Everything posted by billiesimon

  1. Ok, now I get it, finally ??? In my recent awakening I have realized that there NOTHING wrong with me!!! The "wrong with me" was just a movie character!!! I deeply understand what you are trying to say, but in the past I would have said that this quote is just nonsense and wishful thinking. It is not! It's getting rid of the movie character, and realizing that I am eternal and perfect forever and ever. But I needed awakening to understand what authenticity means. In my opinion it is impossible to be authentic without awakening Yes, it is true that when I was totally unconscious I was STILL projecting my negative reality out there (or within my imagination). BUT..... But it is also true that without awakening you can't regain your divine power to notice how reality changes and morphs from your own vibration/infinite intelligence. When you are "in character" you are just projecting reality in a total zombie-like state. It's generally a negative reality because it's totally asleep. What I'm saying is that awakening is the master key to generating a positive and happy "story", because you're not a slave to the character anymore. That's what I feel, at least In a sense, We can't escape awakening. It is the only purpose of life ???
  2. How is 2C-B compared to the more classic psychedelics? On reddit/erowid they tend to describe it as shallow and entertaining. My past unconscious life was negative, pessimistic and somehow victim-minded. How do you transform your life into abundance and amazing experiences from awakening? Is it a matter of putting out positive vibes/energies which get back at you in form of positive experiences? I am puzzled about this.
  3. Ok, now I get what you mean with "I am still, and movement is illusory". But still I don't understand and don't feel how I can change this experience/storyline into something more abundant and happy. My past identity was somehow negative and pessimistic. How can I use awareness/awakening to continue my experience in a more positive and satistfying direction? Just by putting out positivity and love?
  4. Yeah, beautiful piece of art ???
  5. Because We are just all-there-is condensed in an endless eternal ocean of the same substance (all and nothing). We can't observe ourselves in this original state, so We create a projection, a movie, a story, because by observing this story We can start to SEE that existence exists. And then we start to ask "why?" "what is this?" etc.... If we remain in a condensed, oneness state, we can't observe and recognize what we are. It's like some kind of total peaceful sleep where you don't even realize that you exist because you are One and totally at peace and still.
  6. What do you mean with imaginative potential?
  7. Thanks for the detailed reply I am partially awake. I have had two glimpses of awakening so far. But they feep very radical. I need to dissolve and reintegrate my identity into oneness and make peace with it. What about "physical life" after full awakening? Does it become more abundant and positive, or does it remain the same + being awake? From what I feel, human life should become radically more positive and fulfilling after the integration.
  8. Amazing that plugging works! What do you experience with plugged DMT? Crazy visuals and fractals or do you have a sober 5-MeO-similar experience?
  9. I'm pretty sure that God itself has no clue about what existence actually is. Here stems the chaos and the maze of life, in my opinion.
  10. But you said a few months ago that God goes through all life experiences and the cycle is infinite
  11. It's so ironic because my human life theme has always been unworthiness and searching for external love (and getting constantly heartbroken). It's such a mindfuck to realize that as a human I've always been looking for external love yet, my True Self has told me that if I decide to reconnect with Self-Love, I will manifest external love in an easy and peaceful manner. That's such a mindfuck. Also, the realization of being just a human metaphor of God's quest for itself is so SHOCKING and creepy at the same time.... I feel like I'm a movie character... who carries a lesson for the viewer.... So. Goddamn. Freaky.
  12. So, apart from the sense of I AM, it's all a story, a screenplay to experience existence. To be honest, I have felt like my human eternal search for meaning was a projection, a metaphor of God's search for its own meaning for existing. I may be deluded, but I feel like God is living through me to express this eternal quest to understand "why" .
  13. @Leo Gura What I still can't understand, from my first taste of awakening, is if God is watching reality only from my personal perspective, or if it is watching from countless human perspectives. Is this "human avatar" the only one where Consciousness is experiencing life from? Or are there "other avatars"? Because from that awakening experience it seems like I am hallucinating everything, this body, this human mind, and all other images on the screen. But this should also mean that there are no other human avatars, only mine (which is also hallucinated). Right?
  14. It's been three/four weeks after my first awakening and I've had two small moments of almost-oneness in some recent meditation sessions. Both during the psychedelic awakening and the two meditative sessions of oneness I've felt really good, complete, happy and at peace. To be honest, I've also felt like EVERYTHING is going to be alright and my life will improve gradually a lot thanks to my connection to Consciousness, my true nature. Now... the problem is that after that awakening, apart from the peak meditation sessions, I GENERALLY am having a true hardcore MATERIALIST backlash and almost stage-red backlash!!! I have bursts of self hate, bursts of hate for the world and others, I feel like nobody loves me, like I have no place in this world, and the worst of all is that I feel like this is just a dumb brute atom-made reality where I am just a worthless mass of atoms with no value at all. This is insane because I have clearly seen reality distort and dissolve into infinite fractals and my body dissolve into pure love and acceptance. and felt my emotions heal during the awakening and the peak meditation sessions (after my awakening). I have seen reality revert back to normal and to fractals and to normal AT MY WILL!! How is it possible that right now I am having this HUGE materialist, almost stage red, dog eat dog, backlash? I have moments where I feel like the only point of life is money, sex and OPPRESSING OTHER PEOPLE for your own survival. WTF?!?!? Why is this small awakening (I've had only one thus far) making me MORE EVIL than before? I've always been a nice passive guy, and right now I feel like I have gone insane. I am obsessed with material power and material superiority. I feel inferior to other people because I don't have much money and don't have much status, and I feel the need to oppress and be heartless towards others to achieve. This is insane and it is scaring the hell out of me. I was pursuing awakening for the sake of being immersed in Love and true confidence, not to become evil and ruthless. What the hell is happening? Should I avoid spiritual work until I become stage-orange "successful"?
  15. I have watched it recently. It's a nice documentary, more on the entertaining side. It's not bad. But it has nothing to do with the spiritual side of psychedelics, even though Sting's experience about it is very spiritual and thought provoking. The show itself tends to keep a very recreational tone, but it's not bad. It can be interesting.
  16. In the end I have decided to turn it into a diary, to keep track of the insighs during self inquiry. Here are the first two insights (I'm gonna post everytime something decent comes up). My final objective is finding WHERE I am and what I'm MADE OF. INSIGHT #1 (days ago) I did the "look at your hand" self inquiry, for 45 minutes. I got a lot of pretty intense psychedelic visuals on the hand itself, and the borders were melting with the inside of the hand. My hand felt very alien and as soon as I stopped the inquiry, the alien went back to normal. No "intellectual" insights, just visuals and alien sensations. INSIGHT #2 (yesterday) >>>> After 30 minutes of looking at my hand in movement (i was constantly moving it to see its shapes and forms)... I realized that I can't actually see the back of my hand!!!! I mean... you ALWAYS see the front appearance of an object!!!! "What are you talking about? You can turn your hand and see the back , or the inside, if you are looking at the back" That was the logical voice in my head. NO!!! You always look at some perfectly painted picture where the images are CONCEPTUALIZED to be the front/back side!!! Kids DON'T see the back of the hand when it's on the front, and to them the back doesn't exist until it shows up. But.... the back and the front are just LABELS!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! We have labeled some many aspects of the objects around us that we THINK that reality has a back side!!! At least from what I have felt in this session... there seems to be NO BACK SIDE to reality!!! What you see is what IS. I'm still not sure if this is right but... I've noticed that when the hands move, they are just shapeshifting, and we are just taught at school that they do not shapeshift, but they just turn around to the back. WHAT IF they ACTUALLY shapeshift on a screen?!?!??!
  17. I'm back - A lot has happened My small awakening has created a lot of chaos in my life. I've quit my job. The toxic environment and excessive tension has led me to become insane and quit it. Even though I'm sad that I have to look for another job, my awareness feels free and that I have done the right thing. I was almost instructed by my emotions and consciousness to quit this toxic job environment. I'm also going "bipolar" because of the continuous ups and downs of my mood, and ego backlashes. I'm also a lot more connected to Infinity when I'm meditating or walking alone in nature. Even though a lot of things have fallen down, I have the strong sensation that bad things have to collapse before the new me can arise. ? I trust ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
  18. Thanks ? Finally all my past suffering has gained an existential meaning ?️
  19. This reassures me a lot, it's great news! These are actually the reasons why I've started the awakening path: self-love, true confidence and a state of peaceful union with the universe and other people Consciousness, my True I Am, has told me that I am worthy of infinite love and infinite happiness, and that I will get it. I want to believe in this. I'm going to continue, and improve my shadow work too ????
  20. Well, yes. I was unconsciously carrying that emotional baggage. Unworthiness, materialism, wanting fame, wanting success, wanting to feel superior etc... And at the same time I was a nice guy out of insecurity and out of fear. Now I'm slowly shifting to being genuinely good and genuinely interested in healing the planet. That's what I always feel when I deeply meditate or trip. The anger, fear and "materialistic" insecurity was part of my shadow ego. I've started the spiritual path on purpose to become complete inside myself and radiate love and confidence
  21. Brilliant explanation of this separation between wanting to be good vs bad! But how does this apply to my "ego backlash"? I don't understand the dynamics of what's happening.
  22. It might be a repressed drive to high achievement, and that's why I'm trying to change my material life for the better. But I don't think it's just the drive to dominate and conquer. That's just an ego backlash. But the need to improve my life is definitely there!
  23. No, it's not my actual goal. These feelings and ego attacks feel like a "returning of the past". When I was in the materialist paradigm and didn't know that I could feel complete and loving frmo the inside. I was looking for love in the external world and I was escaping the abyss I was feeling inside. My actual goal is to have a "successful" life where everything stems from my self-love and self acceptance, from my state of union with Consciousness. My dream life actually is being both "successful" and conscious, loving, united with the universe and people. I actually care about others and the happiness of the world. In all my psych trips I always genuinely feel like I want myself and all other people to be loving and colorful, happy. Material success is "important" to me, but as a manifestation of the self-love and self-acceptance I am looking for I already went out doing pickup and trying to be the coolest of all in the past, but I've always felt bad and horrible once I went back home. Because I have a huge wound of self-esteem and lack of self love. Shadow work has shown me that what I ACTUALLY want is to heal and love myself as absolute Oneness, as a perfect soul. And then, after this, to go out and socialize and find love and connection FROM this state of already being self-loving. That's what I actually want. I think this is some form of ego backlash. My old negative personality is fighting back, I believe.