Tell me where my life is lacking :

[Sabth]

In December 2018, I simply drop out from my school (by right, it was my third year university). So I don't go to the examination and the classes at the end of the semesters. Then, I took a study break. For a year. At this time, I was just focusing on something that's bothering me. So I was focusing on that. I went to three different places. Buy a lot of books and was learning "a lot" spiritually. I do everything that I'm curious about. I attend a weekly programme for months , in 2019. And I also attended other , retreat? I don't know what to call it. But it's basically learning religion for two weeks straight. And I meet someone whom I would deem a sage (usually/initially) and he gave me a book which I implemented into my life daily since then and it was a good book (but I've stopped doing this somehow) . Since it has been years before (2018-20xx) there was a time when I no longer had felt respect towards the said "sage" /englightened being. After a while, I realized that it is just me who looked at him highly. And that I should be careful. Because we're not the same. He actually bring me down instead of higher. Then I missed my education and my people

 . I remember walking away from this Madrasas to my home thinking that it's not for me. And later, I did go back to my university. In 2019. September. 

But, I have already changed so much. It take me a while to get back to it. I was really strange. I couldn't walk on the road or be with a group of people and feeling normal. It felt so weird. And I had to be taken cared of. Or I might get into accidents on the road. 

But anyway, towards the end , this is not even the end, in the middle of the semester, I withdraw. For the second time. I feel like I am like a zoo animal. Being watched by some. As if I'm some unique being. I got really repelled by my English teacher. He said something along the lines of "you don't see her everywhere" , "it's hard to see her" , damn. Like I'm such a special kid. And I was very , repelled by that. And I felt stupid answering the midterm examination writing all my thoughts out in those papers. I felt like an idiot. I wish I didn't. And I stop going to classes. I felt like everything is no longer worth it. It felt totally different than the generations before it. (Remember that I was from the previous batch? But I took a study leave and go the next year. ) It was all different. In the end, I stop going to university (classes) even this year. Until early 2020. When I told my mom that I no longer wanna do it. So that's when I officially go back. Flying back home. 

And I was doing just fine until 2022. I feel like I'm even high. 

But in December 24th 2022, when my mom was away, there was that whole hospital thing. I was doing fine. I never skip my prayers. I've always done my routine without skipping it. Im doing fine, but this is what they did to me. Since then, I never felt okay. I feel like I have something that I'm losing in life. I feel like I want or need work to fill my life. I feel like I want to study again. All of these things. Otherwise , I'm occupied with my spirituality. In my higher ground. But they f ing took it away from me. Holding my hands. I'm disgusted. Otherwise I haven't been touched by anyone.