Advice for my next psychedelic Contemplation

[Keryo Koffa]

I beat depression 2 months ago when I started doing psychedelics.

I've lived my entire life at an intense level of self-awareness but wasted it on overthinking and obeying expectations.

After high school I wasted 3 years until now on wage slavery in a super market, I was so depressed that I didn't even spend it on anything so now I have resources to invest into myself. I could work at SpaceX or study neuroscience or craft bionic limbs or study neural networks but I have noticed how terrible most jobs and universities are and I can really just learn it all through contacting and freelancing experts and ChatGPT, the internet, Wikipedia, research websites and passion. I want to buy an RV in the future and roam Europe or find a holistic open-minded psychedelic community around the world to live in, be a part of, find love and friendships, be accepted as I am, study all domains of human knowledge in an open discourse and be happy. I want to fully tap into every possible emotion, every variation of perception, every state of mind and slowly integrate it into myself so that eventually I can just enter a psychedelic state naturally and I already integrated many of the insights I made on my last dozen trips into my life to a beautiful degree. I was the most introverted person on this planet until now, so I learned all kinds of philosophies, epistemology and absorbed much knowledge, but I was in the wrong state of mind to be able to integrate and enjoy living by it. I already knew what I needed to do but lacked faith in my own reasoning ability and respect for myself as an individual.

The pillars I just came up with to describe how I fundamentally perceive reality are:

Awareness: The mere fact of experiencing reality unfold and being aware of oneself doing it, that behind the senses consciously continuously existing.

Qualia: Colors, shapes, sensory information, anything that is directly accessible instead of having to be inferred or interpreted from abstract interactions.

Emotion: Meaning, empathy, desire, drive, direction. Preferring one state over another. The capability of experiencing the world through body and feeling.

Perspective: Interpreting and evaluating certain circumstances through a specific lens. Creating specific distinctions to analyze the world with.

Perspectives are arbitrary, they come from a certain grounding but truly there is no right one, everything is infinitely interpretable. Awareness and Qualia are pure First Order phenomena. Emotion comes from a lens but is deeply connected to the body so it's tricky. Perspective is second order, it's how you do science creating models, but it's all just interpretation of your observation, which under psychedelics you can actively see the ability of being able to morph into anything.

I know I will find many here with the objective to find absolute truth or harm-reduction disclaimers, but I'm really just looking for topics for me to contemplate and accept my understanding of while in a state of being emotionally and sensory in tune and being able to make the most out of it while having an elevated perspective. I have many desires and preferences, I want to burn through my karma, I want to connect with others, whether they're illusory or not and I haven't truly understood and embodied that proposed insight. I want love and peace, I am nostalgic to the hippy movement of the 60s. I want to learn all about humanity and science. I want to be selfish and selfless, but always myself, whichever that happens to be. I want understanding, I want stimulation, I want experience, I want love, I want to be in tune and use my body and learn its capacities, I want to increase my emotional awareness, I want to refine my reasoning and epistemological understanding. I think to understand Duality and the creation of distinctions and Non-Duality being the infinite undivided field of qualia though I've yet to deeper contemplate its creation and manifestation mechanics. I want someone to talk to and listen to their insights too. I don't want to be alone, I feel existential loneliness, I've felt it my entire life. It is an authentic part of my identity, it existed long before I knew how to communicate. I may be able to let go of it but of of love I never think I will. I am an artist and will create an audiovisual animation at some point which many characters, each a protagonist, each a core aspect of human desire and each filled with life and personality seeking what they lack the most. And it means.