this is where i am at

[at_anchor]

Okay.

I don't believe in God. I believe there is enlightenment, but there is no God. 

There are just animals and aliens.

 

I also have a strong opinion that the universe is a dangerous, sometimes very unfair and cruel place. 

 

For me death is sometimes desirable, other times it is really scary, the pain of dying and living or the pain of maybe even reincarnation.

 

I don't actually believe in reincarnation. It is hard to believe in it when the fact is that my body and brain will never again exist which makes it impossible for me to exist. I never existed prior to my birth and even then I don't really remember that much. I don't identify myself as God, creator of reality or whatever.

 

For me Consciousness is a form of power that moves everything in existence. Everyone is predetermined and consciousness is not even aware, but it thinks it is. It's just some form of power that moves dreams and people in it. Or consciousness is the dream matter itself, incomprehensible, mystical and magical like the sea.

 

For me being reborn in a worse reality than this is scary, but why? Why does the universe have to be so fucking evil? Made my life the way it is and is gonna make another one even worse? Why not believe in the possibility of getting reincarnated in a better reality? My wishes never even became reality so maybe it is just possible to let reality do whatever it wants without me in it. I don't want to be forced to stay in hell for no good reason.

 

Lastly, I feel abandoned, poor, ashamed, unacceptable, stupid.