it is how it is

[at_anchor]

Just driving in a car makes me sick and my head hurt. I quickly lose enrgy and am not able to hold a job anymore because of that. The worst part of all is that I can't learn anymore. I'm seriously imlaired and it just keeps getting worse. Sleep is impossible. First time in life I can't control temper in a way that isn't intentional.

I went through a lot. I got poisoned. Maybe I am getting even more poisoned. My biggest desire is to seek help in a foreign country, I want good people to prove that I'm poisoned. But that's not possible anymore. 

I have to accept a horror movie, my life is gonna be one long horror movie. I don't want to say people poisoned me and point fingers anymore. I don't know why would I, I just saw that this really exists, powerful people can be super bad. All I want is to get to safety away from them. 

They won't let me go. I'm gonna stay in this country for the rest of my life as a poor, humiliated, poisoned and destroyed victim of people schools don't teach you they exist, while some like positive thinking circles even blame you for thinking they do. 

Not all people are the same, yet they all look the same. I wish there was a way for everyone to see who is who, what they did, thought and so forth. 

It's not a problem. I will have to accept that I lost it all. People didn't want me to succeed in life, I don't know why. They hated me, they wanted to abuse me and make a fool out of me, they wanted to prevent me from learning, earning and so forth. 

[at_anchor]

I am grateful for what I have now, these last twp days, for in the fiture I will be even more poisoned, impoverished and dishonored.

I've seen them and I know what they want. They want to eradicate me from everywhere. They have the power to position others where they want them to be, well they want to position me in a sickhouse or torture cell forever. 

So it is gonna get worse before it gets better. Cursed be the day I was born here. No one can help me. My best chances of survival are in western europe, but I can't go there. If I ever end up being allowed to go there I will be so poisoned, sick and too old to move.

My mental strength is seriously impaired. My energy fluctuates. It's mostly bad and I lost motivation. Why learn German for example if I'm never gonna be allowed to move there and live a good life? It is the same with my native tongue. It's absolutely useless when I can't be healthy, successful, happy, with friends and love where I am. I regret being born here among evil and so selfish people like these. 

So why just waste more money on a German course if I can't even know for sure I'll be able to utilize it from problems that are coming my way. This will be a lond, hard and dangerous winter. Winter is coming and so much bad stuff and loss with it.

 

I think escape is impossible. This hell of a life till death sets us apart.

Edited October 8, 2023 by at_anchor

[at_anchor]

I didn't have an issue falling asleep last night, but I still woke up at around 3:30AM. This is thebest so far. Yesterday and yesterday night helped me heal a bit.

I probably have problems with hormones which is what one doctor suspected so other doctorshad to take me off some pills and put me on other ones. Now they are waiting to prove that I have no problem with hormones so that they can put me on hard pills. Somehard chemistry was offered.

Today is gonna be abad day though.

Also, my urine smells metalic, so that might be a sign of heavy metal poisoning. I know get poisoned, I just don't know with what.

[at_anchor]

My heart is beating hard and faster than I can remember it beating in the past.

I'm scared of getting out there to buy the course I need. The one I bought is not motivating enough because of the economic and political situation in the country. I wish I could find the motivation to learn this language. Maybe it's not me but the circumstances and my current health situation that's preventing me from any kind of work. Although, it's not hard to come here and write this post.

[at_anchor]

I literally can't get out of here. It's so painful.

[at_anchor]

In my country corruption videos are unfortunately unavailable. I wish I could see those videos.

Anyway, Nordic people are probably a bit better than German, but I'm scared. 

[at_anchor]

When will I be allowed to move?

[at_anchor]

I'm kind of frustrated after seeing another young and beautiful person going off into the night at midnight, looking around to see if anybody is watching, taking that phone out and probably heading to meet with some, yeah, successful doushbag. I'm so poisoned and defeated, yet in need of love in life again. I don't know if it's that or something else that's making it hard to fall asleep now.

[at_anchor]

I tried XANAX first rime on an empty stomach, but it doesn't help. I bet it won't help me over the day either when I need to be learning.

[at_anchor]

I don't want to just get hurt in life. Why dis I deserve all the worst in it? There was no romance, very littke health and wisdom, financial well being and travel. What a bummer. I can't wait to die to stop the pain of regreting and of being jealous of the people who sadistically put me down and get more than I could possibly ever want.

[at_anchor]

I'm not able to sleep without xanax. Dignitas will probably never help me be put to sleep. I want to go because everything has been stripped away from me, it just appears as though I'm still fine. In reality I'm never getting nothing. I'm actually in constant pain. My stomach isn't working again. I can't believe what perverse sadistic monsters destroyed my life.

[at_anchor]

I swear to God in the past I was able to do stuff like watching and understanding videos, taking important quotes out, even translating Spiral Dynamics a bit and other stuff. I was able to read and pull all nighters, then sleep over the day! These days I can't sleep over the day.

If I wasn't poisoned and if anyone wants to contradict that claim, then I can tell you with certainty that you are wrong.

Now it is gonna be said that I was always unstable like I am now, always unwell, always less than people who are now more successful than me because they got helped. As though I was always incompetent, when in fact I was more competent than,yeah. The problem was that I didn't know that I'm gonnabe a victim and target of terrible people and that they would get me this low. The problem was that I judged myself for nothing and I didn't know that I should get out of a place they set up a trap in for me. The problem was my high moral ground, my stupid desire of entitlement and hope that I can achieve something big in this country, that I can rule it, cause I thought if people like them can, I thought I was smarter.

Maybe I was, maybe I ain't. What a mistake. I wish I never got where I am now. Never. It's worse than waking up to a city that's about to be bombed.

[at_anchor]

"I need your protection." Yeah, that is exactly why I want to live in Western Europe. I need protection.

I'm scared of dying yet suicidal at the same time. It's strange. Suicide is a way to get to safety. There are worse things in life than dying in an instant. 

But I'm incapable of spilling my own blood. I also abhor the thought of ever doing harm to others. Even out of mercy. But to protect the common good and myself, I think that if I had sufficient enough reason to believe that there are sadistic monsters in power abusing it, that I'd act against them.

I surely hope I never lose my mind, for I heard criminals get created in bad social environments and upbringing has an impact on a person as well. Maybe this is true, maybe not. I believe it is true.