Contemplating Motherhood

[soos_mite_ah]

The Dream vs The Fantasy 

On 6/11/2026 at 11:03 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I don't believe in sacrificing my dreams for a MAN of all things. And typically when people think of giving up their dreams for a man, they imagine those corny Hallmark movies where the woman gives up her high power corporate job to go to small town, get married, and become a Christmas tree farmer. In my case, my "dream" is about being a parent and low key, I'm not 100% certain on whether or not this is my dream. But if it is, it wouldn't be right to give it up because of a man. 

I think one of the difficult parts of me trying decipher if I want to be a parent is this notion of giving up my dreams to be with a man who is child free or doubting if this is my dream at all in the first place. And I think the word dream is an interesting word. It's not something tangible (yet) and it is something aspirational. Similarly, I think the situation I'm in is difficult because there is this notion that I'm giving up my very tangible relationship in the hopes of the potential of having a kid which is completely hypothetical at this time. There is also the aspirational element in regards to the work I will need to put in and what I will need to align to actualize my goal of becoming a good parent. 

I think there is also a nuance in this intangibility. I think the difference between a dream and a fantasy is that a dream is something that can be actualized while a fantasy tends to ignore reality or paint it with rose colored glasses. I don't think I'm buying into the fantasy of being a parent because of the ways that I'm factoring in the difficult aspects of parenthood and the way that I'm deconstructing my potential unhealthy/ selfish reasons for being a parent. In doing so, I'm grappling with the reality of parenthood and I'm trying to make a well informed decision regarding if this is good path for me.

However, a lot of people decide to become a parent because of the fantasy they have of the kid. That can include but not be limitted to wanting a mini me, having a very specific idea of of what they want the kid to be like or look like, wanting parenthood to fulfill an unmet need etc. I have written in the past about the importance of analyzing fantasies that we might have: 

On 7/13/2025 at 10:25 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Fantasy 

I feel like I have been talking about fantasies a lot in my journal recently, in this page particularly. The word "fantasy" appears 29 times and the word "fantasises" shows up 9 times prior to me writing this post. I've been reflecting on various forms of fantasy range from sexual fantasies, fantasies that are misconceptions of how things actually work, fantasies that reproduce existing ideologies, fantasies that we get lost in, and fantasies that we then use find ourselves in. I suppose this is byproduct of me trying to reconnect with my desires in an existential sense since fantasy can be an insightful window into what we want or are taught to want. It can prove to be a safe environment to engage in pleasure or some kind of psychological need without actively putting ourselves in harms way that comes with the reality of a situation (think consensual BDSM vs being in the hands of an actual abuser). But, if we're not careful, in some situations, that can escape from the actual work and reality can lull us in to complacency (think fantasizing about being wealthy housewife that doesn't do much other than drink matcha and seeing that as an escape from capitalism rather than putting the actual work to make a better life for people). 

And, while I do want to connect with my desires in a sustainable way, I don't want them to control me. I want my relation to my desires to drive me to engage with life rather than to escape from it to where my eyes are glazed over in a haze. I might not always like reality, but I never want to take it for granted. I don't want to dissolve my empathy and divorce myself from the tragedies happening around me. I don't want to sacrifice my critical thinking for the sake of not going insane in this information environment. I don't want to be stingy with my energy in the effort of self-preservation to where I shy away from annoyance and inconvenience when they're often the byproduct of long term fulfilling goals. I don't want trade my sensuality for uncanny, inhuman perfection. And I certainly don't want to disconnect from a sense of passion, hope, and earnestness for the sake of invulnerable, apathetic, nonchalance. 

I want to be more human in a world that's trying to take that away from us. And analyzing fantasy is not only my way of exploring that humanness, but it's also my way of analyzing the things that cower us away from embracing the full breadth of our humanness. 

And while I do think analyzing my desires for parenthood falls more so in the dream category rather than the fantasy category, I think it can be helpful to analyze the fantasy aspect of this desire. I think my fantasy around being a parent has to do with my desire to have a sense of community and be an elder who guides a kid (or kids). In this fantasy, I have a kid who I'm guiding through various aspects of life. It might be my biological kid, it might not be. I have a good life that I have built for myself that I can share with another person. I'm sharing my stories and my experiences with them. And I get to see the world from a fresher set of eyes from them and their experiences. While I am a guide, I also get to learn along with them, not only because they teach me but because parenthood itself teaches me.

A fantasy often collapses complexity and sees the ideal in question as an antidote (or the only antidote) to a problem. A dream tends to survive contact with reality because you still want something even after you understand the cost. I think the fantasy aspect of my desire comes from how I'm lacking a sense of community as of right now and that certain areas of my life feels a little stagnant. My fantasy revolves around building a good life for myself and nurturing various kinds of human connection. I don't think it's fundamentally coming from a sense of lack but it's coming from my life values as a whole. I think the dream aspect of my desire is still something I'm exploring in all the ways that my dream can still stand the test of various life obstacles. 

I can also see different ways that I can fufill my goals of having a sense of community, being a guide, having kids in my life apart from being a parent or adopting a parental role. I can volunteer. I can be a close friend. I can be more involved in my extended family. But I guess I still wonder what it is that still brings be back to seeing parenthood as the most viable path. Maybe it's because of societal conditioning on various levels? Maybe it could be an actual solid underlying desire or dream? I don't know, I'm still figuring that out. 

Edited June 12 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Bruh... both of these kinds of parents creep me tf out. And even if you don't subscribe to this shit, the way that the rest of the community and society enables this type messaging for young kids is soooo gross

[soos_mite_ah]

An Increase in Empathy 

I think as I have been thinking more about whether or not I should become a parent that I have gotten a deeper sense of empathy towards the people around me. Don't get me wrong, I've always had a sense of empathy for most people but I think now, I'm thinking from the lens of *what would it be like to be the parent of this person?* or *what would it be like to parent under these circumstances?* For example, a few weeks ago there was a shooting near me and a few people were shot. Of course there is the layer of empathy around how messed up this was, what was this like for the individuals that were harmed, how this is impacting the community and the people around me. But then, I caught myself thinking things along the lines of "imagine being a parent and then decades later, your kid gets shot" , "what are the possible parental and community level enabling that caused the shooter to do what he did since his actions don't exist in a vacuum," "imagine getting shot and then you have to recover and still parent your kids. Also, imagine what it's like for the kids to witness this."  

I also think over the years I have found myself looking at my elementary, middle, and high school years more fondly. Not in a romanticized "I wish I could go back" kind of way but in a "I might not have liked everyone from those years but now as an adult, I no longer harbor any ill feelings towards those kids and I genuinely wish them well." I find myself thinking about random people and thinking about what was going on at home in addition to school that was contributing to them acting the way they are or what it must have been like being their parents. I feel like I especially think of this when I think of my friends who had young parents (I'm talking their parents had them when they were in their teens or late 20s) and how that impacted my friends growing up and into adulthood. Like "what was it like having to have a kid at 18 and then having to go to college plus figure out your adult life while having to raise a kid?" or "what was it like for the grandparents involved having to look after the grandkids after dealing with their child's teen pregnancy?" Or when something awful happens to either the parent or the child, I'm like "damn, and you still gotta go home and raise those damn kids. What do you have to do in order for your parenting to accommodate this so that this event doesn't taint the way you're raising them."

Then I think of the kids that I didn't really get along with when I was a kid. I mainly had trouble getting along with the "trouble makers" which ranged from kids who were doing drugs, not paying attention in school, the hot cheeto girls that would intimidate me, and the like. And I think about what I would have had to do from the parent's perspective to correct their behavior, to understand them, and encourage them in their interests. I really don't like how some adults would label some kids as good or bad, or how they would label some kids as the problem child, the smart one , the pretty one etc. because now that I'm an adult, I can see how that create a complex in the kid and how that can show up in a variety of ways well into adulthood. That's not to say that you can't compliment you kid on being smart or pretty or that you have to enable you kid by not calling out their bad behavior as bad but it is to say that writing them off or forming their identity around that is pretty fucked up. And I think as the kid who didn't know better, I also fell into the pattern that the adults around me were exhibiting on labeling some kids as the trouble makers, the dumb ones, the smart ones, the successful ones, the quiet good ones, etc.

Now as an adult, I try not to do the same thing for other kids. For example, my boyfriend has a friend, who has another friend who has a kid. The kid is like 8 years old now and the mom had him when she was like 19. The kid is a little bit chaotic and rambunctious and I think my boyfriend and his friend has a knee jerk reaction to say that he is a bad kid. And on the surface, I can see how from the perspective of the parent he is not one of the easier kids to raise and how especially if you had to deal with the difficulties of parenthood from such a young age, that you probably aren't well equipped to handle such situations, which makes the kid and situation more frustrating. But at the same time, I don't think this kid is "bad." I think he is largely acting out because of the instability of the mom's life. This led led to the kid having incosistent attention from his dad (and eventually the dad abandoning him all together), constant moving, strange men coming in an out of the house, and a mom who is trying really hard to figure out her own shit to where he gets neglected or is causing the kid to be on the receiving end of less than ideal parenting. 

And I'm not looking down on the mom either. Don't get me wrong, I do disagree with her on a lot of things and I don't like the way she handles some situations, but I can have some empathy for her seeing that she really is doing her best (even if it's not great). As a woman, I can empathize with the pressures put on her, the bullshit she has had to go through, and how a life event like this has moved around her prospects in life and the extent to which she was able to grow and develop as a person. It's not to excuse the way she's raising her kid but it is to give additional context and understanding of the situation. Like I think a lot of kids who act up is a combination of their surroundings and life circumstances, the way they are being parented, age appropriate behaviors, and also the temperment. Out of the 4 factors, only one is personal and up to chance 100%. The surroundings/ life circumstances, and parenting skills can be controlled and prepared for to a certain extent. And the age appropriate behaviors is just markers of developmentally healthy tendencies that shouldn't be taken personally but should still be corrected and taken seriously. Like yes, it's normal for 4 year olds to be egocentric tantrum monsters. That doesn't mean you take their actions personally, see them as evil, or think you're a bad parent. But you still do need to discipline them so they know right from wrong and so they can continue developing in an age appropriate way. 

Speaking of age appropriate behaviors,  I do think the whole "you're kid is so mature and calm for their age" isn't necessarily a good thing or a proxy for good parenting. Sure, on the surface it can look like it because it carries this notion that you must have done something right for them to behave. But, having a quiet kid can be the by product of a lot of things. Maybe that particular kid's way of dealing with instability is being quiet and standing in the corner because they're anxious, while another kid with a different temperment's way of dealing with the same situation is to act out. Maybe, the kid is more mature for their age because their parents are making them responsible for adult issues and they're forced to grow up faster. Maybe the kid is really anxious and terrified of the parents because the parents are abusive. Don't get me wrong, I do think in some situations, kids can be healthy,  calm, and well regulated because the parents are doing something right like providing them a stable environment, modeling good habits, soothing the kid to where they learn to soothe themselves, etc.  But as a parent, you can do all of those things and still have your kid act out in age appropriate ways and have that be healthy. If anything, if I encounter a pair of 3 year olds from different parents, and one of the kids is acting like a normal 3 year old/ having tantrums, while the other kid is too scared to do anything or show any emotions, even thought the second kid is seen as "easier to raise" I'm more worried about the second kid as opposed to the first kid. Sometimes, considering the parents having good parenting habits and are raising the kid in a good environment, the kid acting out is indicative that they are comfortable around the parents and are alright with sharing their emotions, which is a good thing. But yeah, it's not as simple as having a good quiet kid who always behaves well in public versus having a bad kid who is like the human equivalent of an agressive chihuahua. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Supernanny 

My boyfriend and I have been watching episodes of Supernanny after one of the crazy episodes ended up on his YouTube recommended lists. We found these episodes to be very entertaining and it would usually take us twice as long to finish an episode because we would keep pausing the show every 5 minutes or so to comment on what's going on, laugh at these situations, and speculate on what the parents are probably dealing with off screen. I feel like we have had a lot of good conversations from this show and that we have like a few inside jokes between us from some of the feral kids. Ngl, I do feel like watching these episodes feel like emotional birth control to me. Honestly, I think the kids are funny since they aren't my own lol. 

I remember watching this show in the early 2000s as a child and I remember watching these other feral kids and laughing at them for their behaviors. And I think my parents would occasionally tune in thinking *thank god that isn't our family.* Now that I'm an adult, I think I'm engaging with the contents of the show and the dynamics with the familes much more. I'm also noticing on how so many of these episodes the dads are often not present in the kids lives as a proper parent and the mom is doing most of the work. I also noticed how there are no familes in this show that consist of an only child and two parents. Which did feel like a boost to my ego because growing up, I was always made to feel weird about being an only child and I have heard that if you only have one kid, that is a sign for dysfunction. Welp... let's just say that none of the only child familes were so out of control to where they ended up on a reality TV show.

I noticed that most of the episodes had 3-5 kids, if not more, and the parents are often really young (like they are in their early 30s and started popping out kids in their early 20s). In my opinion, 3 kids is the most you can have without neglecting your kids and each kid you add, it doesn't multiply the chaos rather it exponentially increase it. Like 1 kid is hard, but 2 kids is like 4x as hard and 3 kids is like 12x as hard. It gets "easier" after kid 4 from the parents perspective and I put "easier" in quotes because usually after kid 4, there is neglect and parentification happening to the older kids who then have to step in and be an additional set of parents to their younger siblings. Like if I ever have a kid, I'm going to be one and done. I don't want to deal with siblings fighting and feeding off of each other. I definitely don't want to neglect or parentify anyone. And I would much rather give my one kid a good parent than be a mediocre or shitty parent just so that they can have the sibling experience. I think a lot of the episodes have 3 or more kids because that adds to the chaos factor in the show which means more content tbh. There is only so much mayhem one kid can cause lol. 

I have noticed the ages of the parents where the young parents are typically more chaotic. I don't blame them. It's really difficult to know proper parenting at that age when you're still figuring out your life, how to navigate the adult world, and where you belong within it. I feel like I notice that more now that I'm in my 20s and it feels crazy sometimes on how some of the parents that have 4 kids are like 2-3 years older than me (or like in the video above, the parents are younger than me). Also, regardless of the parents ages,  I like on how in all of the episodes, Jo, the nanny, calls out the parents and their dysfunctional parenting and relationships instead of blaming the kids. That confrontation is always satisfying. 

Finally, I like how the show displays healthy parenting and the process of teaching healthy parenting. I know Supernanny US ran from 2005 to 2011 and according to various reddit posts, while some of the techniques are helpful, they also either need to be supplemented with additional strategies or be updated to more current parenting knowledge. That said, it's helpful to see these things in practice with kids that aren't super well behaved. And I think, given the timing of the show, it's an important stepping stone to get away from the commonly held belief at the time where the only way to incorporate discipline is to yell or spank your kid.

Even if I decide not to be a parent, I still think that some of this stuff is important to know about because I'm going to have people in my life who do have kids and I think after a certain age, part of being an adult is being a reliable figure that people, especially kids, can go to. I do think it's interesting that Jo Frost doesn't have any kids of her own and only has a step-grandson even though she filmed multiple Supernanny shows. I watched the podcast below of her talking about her experience with the show as well as the critiques she has gotten over the years.

One of my favorite parts is when she gets the question along the lines of "what do you have to say for people who critque you giving parenting advice when you don't have kids of your own?" and her answer was "do you need to have cancer to be a doctor?" I think people are quick to critique childfree people on their takes on how kids are treated because they assume that they don't understand what the parents are going through. And don't get me wrong, I can understand the defensiveness that can come from the frustration and the stresses of parenthood and how it can be such an intense experience to where people stress relatability as a barometer of empathy. At the same time, I think child free people can take a step back and assess the situation more accurately because they aren't as caught up in the chaos. Plus, childfree people were all children once as well and they can still drawn on various life experiences when dealing with kids. I like how Jo emphasized that you don't need your own biological children to care about the well being of other kids and be a stable and active figure in a kids life. 

Overall,  I do genuinely think that she cares about the kids that she works with and that she did approach this show ethically which I respect immensely especially given the general trends in the reality TV sphere. I also watched another episode of Supernanny recently and then when I scrolled down on the comments, I found out that the eldest daughter in the show has her own social media and spoke about her experience filming the episode as well as how it impacted their family about 10 years later. It sounds like it was a really positive experience and that the production was genuinely trying to help.  It was interesting to get additional context and the additional experiences they had with Jo when it came to working out the family issues. I think some things got left out because of the air time in this particular instance but I also noticed in other episodes things being left out or vaguely alluded to for the sake of privacy for the families. But I think it's good that the familes still got help off camera and it was even more in depth than what you see on the episodes. 

 

Edited June 17 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

It Be The Damn Phones 

I don't agree or disagree with Vaush's points here on how technology, particularly smartphones, is what is causing a global decline in birth rates. I don't agree in the sense that it's difficult to narrow down one factor that is affecting everyone. A lot of people cite the cost of living and climate change as reasons why they aren't having kids in developed countries but in the past, the cost of living was worse but people still had kids. I would argue that the reasons why people are not having kids varies. In developed countries, it's the cost of living, unstable working conditions, climate change, political instability. In developing and under developed countries, it's an increase of education, greater degree of womens rights, and industrialization because you don't need 8 kids if you no longer work at a farm. People are having more education in terms of contraception and people have more opportunities as a result of said education to do things with their lives apart from just popping out kids. Also, women have more agency now to not have a shit ton of kids. I think the vast majority of women do want to have kids, but probably not like 7 ya know. Plus, the drop in birth rates in the U.S. is because teen preganancy isn't happening nearly as often anymore. The birth rates for women in their 20s and 30s has been stable. 

At the same time, part of me agrees that it's the damn phones. I remember my dad telling me a story of how when he was little, he asked is grandparents why they had so many kids (both of his parents had 8 siblings each), and they responded with "well, back in our day, we didn't have radio and TV so we had nothing better to do." And I think the doom scrolling and being glued into social media is an extention of the same phenomenon. But the part that sucks more about the phones is the way that people aren't socializing IRL as often and it's a bigger time sink. That said, I do think that other factors exasserbate this because if you are being overworked, even if you didn't have a phone, you probably wouldn't have the same time and energy to be socializing. But now, the phones are multiplying this affect because it's a very easy coping mechanism to use when dealing with the increase stress of daily life. 

But then, I look at my own reasons why I am hesitant to have a kid, and it does root back to the phones. For example, while I'm confident in my ability to be a good parent, I'm worried about the broader society that I'm bringing the kid into and the kids that aren't the best influence. And which kids am I referring to? I'm referring to the army of ipad babies and their ipad parents. Again, it's the damn phones. I'm also nervous about the state of the education system and pushing back against that to ensure that my kid is being educated properly. And what's wrong with the education system? It's the tech dependence, the underfunding of public school system, AI being shoved down people's throats etc. Again, the damn phones. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Maybe there is some selection bias on my end but this is what I mean by the child free by choice people are at least asking the right questions while a lot of these people who are pro-child birth have arguements that can easily be dismantled. Those arguments don't make sense if your goal is to be a parent, not simply give birth.

My favorite part of the video was when the guy was talking about on how people in third world countries have like 8 kids and they still find ways to "make it work" and are happy and fulfilled. And then the creator clapped back and was like  *this guy clearly has no clue what they are talking about and has never been to a third world country.*  First of all, a lot of people don't make the conscious choice to have a kid due to things like education, a lack of options in their life, unavailability to contraception, religion etc. Secondly, tf you mean by make it work? If your definition of making it work is simply providing food, water, and shelter for another living being other than yourself, then you have a very limitted definition of what it means to make something work. You're dealing with a human being, not a pet. There are plenty of people who have a shit ton of kids and raise them in squalid, unsanitary conditions that are not fit to provide a person with a dignified life. Which again, tells me this guy has no clue what life in a third world country is actually like. And even if you do have a semi decent living conditions for said kids and everyone has baseline survival, your definition of making it work is still so limited. Like is having a traumatizing childhood exemplary of something that "worked?" Is having a kid who grows up to be a menace in society because you didn't parent them property an example of something that "worked?" I could go on but my thing is let's not romanticize the past or romanticize the way things are being done in developing countries and actually hold ourselves to a higher standard of thought, ethics, consideration, and self exploration and maybe a higher standard of what is considered "making it work" if you do decide to go down the route of parenthood. 

I'm not saying that if you are born into a underveloped or developing country that your life is not worth living or that it's impossible to be a parent in those circumstances. I'm not an anti-natalist and I don't think that we should forcibly sterilize people, literally or emotionally. But what I am saying is that we need to expand our standards of what is considered good parenting and expand the quality of life of people as a whole and carefully take into consideration our reproductive choices under that context. 

[soos_mite_ah]

The Parents Who Did Genuinely Think This Through 

I know in my previous post I was dragging some pro-birth people and that I have in previous posts have criticized on how a lot of people have kids waaay too casually for my liking. But among the large segment of the population who decided to be a parent, there is at least a few people who did genuinely think this through. 

I can't say I know a lot of these people. I'm sure some of them live among me and I haven't had the chance to actually have that conversation with them. But I have encountered them online. I think the people who genuinely thought through their decision to be a parent aren't pressuring other people to have kids. They know how much work it take to raise a human and as a result, they know that this life choice isn't for everyone. In the same way that not everyone is meant to be an lawyer, go through law school, work 60+ hours a week, and be this career oriented person, not everyone is meant to become a parent as it relates to their values and their desired way of living life. Parenthood rearranges you physically, mentally, emotionally, and the overall structure of your entire life and how you can make decisions. And unless this is really a path you want for yourself that you have carefully considered, it's best to not go on this path. 

And the people who genuinely wanted to have kids and thought through it aren't going shame you for being child free either because they see that life has many ways to be fulfilling, that you can have many forms of long term human connection, that in the same way they are living according to their values, you're living according to your own. They aren't going to be resentful of you being able to sleep calmly on a flight while they are dealing with their baby crying. Sure, they are going to be tired and wish they got more rest. That's natural. Wanting parenthood doesn't mean that you think it's going to be easy and it doesn't mean that you're going to absolutely love it 100% of the time. But if you genuinely thought through the consequences of being a parent and chose it anyway, you'renot going to side eye people and give them weird hateful energy for having a more chill existance. People who genuinely thought about and decided to be parents are also not going to try to rub things in child free people's faces about how much more fulfilling parenthood is. Like seriously, some parents sound like Cassie from Euphoria when they talk about being happy and fulfilled in parenthood while dealing with their feral kids as they are trying to get child free people to have kids too. 

Like there is an element of misery likes company and there is an element of people trying to justify their own decisions because they didn't think things through thoroughly before hand to some people who get defensive about the choice to be childfree. If you were genuinely happy with your choice AND you have thought about other avenues, you're not going to miserable about other people choosing differently than you or having a choice at all in this matter.

I stress the "and" because I also think that there is a segment of the population that did end up being happy about their choice to be a parent but it isn't because they thought through their decision to be a parent and arrived at the conclusion that this is the right choice for them. It's because they made a choice and they lucked out in terms of liking parenthood and being able to create positive meaning out of it. And I think my dad falls into this category. He did the work to be a parent and I think he genuinely found fulfillment in it. So it's not like he enjoyed parenthood because he barely did any of the work. He lucked out in the fulfillment aspect of it and due to a survivorship bias, he thinks that most parents probably feel the same way. As a result, it doesn't compute in his head why I'm carefully thinking about this as I am. He didn't think, and it worked out. Therefore, I must be overthinking. I also think he has limitations in his imagination regarding other avenues of fufillment because of the time he was born and the lack of healthy, childfree people in his life. The only childfree person he know is his brother who decided to be childfree out of spite and resentment for his dad (my grandfather) and essentially wanted to end my grandpa's bloodline. 

TLDR: I think parents who thought things through and still decided to be parents aren't going to be weird towards childfree people in the same way that people in happy, healthy relationships won't tell you to lower your standards for the sake of getting into a relationship. 

Edited Friday at 08:36 PM by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

A Desire for More Responsibility

I sometimes wonder to what extent do I actually want to be a parent vs to what extent this desire is just symptomatic of me wanting more responsibility in life and having a brighter outlook on the future. That's not to say that my desire to have more responsibility and the more optimistic outlook shouldn't contribute to me going in this direction of parenthood, but it's more so about determining if my desire for being a parenthood is a passing mood or if it's an orientation of how I want to structure my life. 

I was thinking about the nature of my desire around parenthood and a lot of it has to do with wanting to be a mentor and guiding young people. It's not a biological urge (pregnancy still feels gross but bareable). It's not a sense of ownership (I'm fine with being a step parent). I also like the idea of being a trusted adult in the lives of my friend's kids. Even if I choose to be child free, I don't wish to live in a child free world. And sometimes, I wonder if this desire is just coming from an age appropriate place as I want to hold myself to a higher standard. 

I have been writing about how I define adulthood for quite some time in my main journal. But I want to highlight the post below because I think it's really reflecting the sentiment of me entering a new phase in adulthood: 

In this post I talk about my realization that getting married and having kids are age appropriate activities for someone my age (irrespective of if it's the right decision for me specifically) and that while it's normal to be a little shocked at your 20 year old peer getting married and having a kid, it kind of gets into infantilization territory to have the same reaction when you're 26 and your 26 year old peer is getting married and having a kid. I also talked about the kind of adult I don't want to be in the form of this embarassing uncle that was at this wedding I was attending. And that section is more about how we need to up our standards when it comes to what we expect from the people around us based on their age / stage of life. The way that this man was acting was already not okay but it's even worse considering he's in his 60s and at an age where he should be the trusted adult in the room, not a drunk that has to get escorted out by security. 

And yeah, I do want to grow to be a trusted adult people can go to as I age. I also do feel a responsibility towards young people, especially kids. I think I can still have that role even if I decide to be child free, but I think it's also easy to conflate the desire to be a trusted adult and the responsibility you have towards young people with desiring parenthood. There is a connection there, don't get me wrong. I just want to be able to separate the two so that I can dissect how I'm feeling and understand how to approach parenthood. 

As I was reflecting on this, I kind of remembered something I wrote a while back and it feels revealing: 

On 1/4/2025 at 10:54 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

 I sometimes wonder if I have some kind of aversion to responsibility. I don’t want to get promoted at work because I don’t want to be responsible for more work. I don’t want to have kids badly enough to justify having them and being responsible for them 24/7. I don’t want to work towards owning a house. I don’t want to take care of aging parents (mainly my mom). I wonder if this makes me stunted in some way.

• So let’s address this point by point. I don’t want to get promoted at work not because I don’t work hard or because I don’t care about my job at all, but because I don’t want to burn myself out over something that isn’t super important to me. By that I mean that I do see virtue in doing a good job and being reliable but I’m not willing to bend myself backwards to where the rest of my life suffers and I have no work life balance.
• Not wanting kids or not deciding to have them is not indicative of some kind of moral failing. You’re not selfish for not wanting kids. There are plenty of parents who have kids for selfish reasons and being able to acknowledger your short comings in this situation and not wanting to bring kids into a less than ideal situation is not an indication of selfishness rather it is the later. You aren’t somehow childish for not wanting kids. And you’re not lazy nor are you resisting growing into an adult. Being able to acknowledge this isn’t the life path for you despite the world’s peer pressure and being able to stick to that is an act of self-awareness. And that takes effort and critical thinking which is the opposite of being lazy or avoiding adulthood.
• My main thing around home ownership is that I don’t think it’s as economically sound of a decision as it was for my parent’s generation giving how the price of housing has skyrocketed. Even if I can afford a down payment, I don’t want to buy a house for the sake of buying a house without thinking if this is a good financial decision for my life situation specifically. I don’t want to buy a house at the cost of my financial peace of mind to where I’m stressed out about a mortgage and I’m house poor.
• Sure I’m intimidated at the thought of taking care of my aging parents but I think it’s important to acknowledge the context as to why I feel this way given my history of abuse from my mom. I’m 90% sure that I would feel differently if my childhood had been different as well as my adult relationship with my mother.

I wrote this a year and a half ago but it feels like I wrote it at least 2-3 years ago. I like how I push back against my initial feeling that I'm averse to responsibility based on my values, life situation, and world view. I also like how I talked about not wanting kids here. I still think that the bullet points above reflect my stances today but what feels shocking is how I was worried I was averse to responsibility back in January 2025 while now in June 2026, it's obvious that I don't have an aversion to responsibility, and if anything I'm craving it. 

I also don't think that once you hit 18 that you're an adult and you're basically the same as a 30 year old or a 60 year old. I remember when I was 17 and my 18th birthday was right around the corner, I was so stressed out because I felt like I needed to have my whole life figured out from what I wanted to major in college to my plan to save up to buy a house. If I could go back in time, I would just tell my 18 year old self that there are levels to adulthood and you don't need to have level 3 figured out when you're at level 1. This is kind of how I would explain it to her: 

Level 1 Adulthood: This is the adulthood you reach legally when you turn 18 and you graduate highschool. At this point, you don't have to have a whole lot figured out, just know basic life skills like doing your own laundry, being able to clean your room and pick up after yourself, basic time managment for your college classes, and cook a couple meals so you don't starve. Maybe by now you're living away from your parents or living else where from where you grew up (if not, that's okay too). Ideally, by now, you also want to have good communication and relationship skills and some basic maturity so you're not being confused for being 14 years old or a neckbeard on the internet lol. So long as you do that and successfully avoid future killers like hard addictions, dating people in their 30s who have no business messing with 18-22 year olds, and you don't lose all your money in sports betting or crypto, you're good. 

Level 2 Adulthood: Usually by now if you went to college, you just graduated. Or, if you never went to college, you have been in the adult world for a few years. This stage usually starts at around 21-23 years old. By now, you don't have your entire future figured out, but you do need to have a general sense of direction and hopefully, some degree of financial independence from your parents. Around this time, you're learning how to navigate personal finance in a healthy way, figure out how to navigate the adult world and where you fit in, and you're just adjusting to life after being in an educational institution for most of your life. You're also in a more exploratory stage where you're figuring out what settling down looks like for you. You may be experimenting with different careers, figuring out what city you want to live in long term, date around and think about marriage, figure out if you want to have kids etc. You're also moving your life around a lot to explore your different options but also to logistically get to the life you want to settle into. Maintaining friends can be a bit difficult at this time because people are bouncing around trying to figure their lives out and those logistical changes and priority changes can change dynamics in your relationships. 

Level 3 Adulthood: Around this time, you have a good understanding of what settling down looks like for you and either you have made the moves to actualize that reality or you're already there. Life stabilizes more and you aren't bouncing around in the same way. That doesn't mean that you don't make changes at all, but you're usually working with a 5 to 10 year plan as opposed to thinking a year or two in advance like being in Level 2 adulthood. There is no set way to settle down. For some people, that means a stable career, a house in the suburbs, and 2.5 kids. For others, it can be travelling around nomadically, having a remote job, and deciding not to marry. For some it can be getting a house in the woods and living more monastically away from most people. Basically, you have established a specific lifestyle according to your dreams and values for a longer period of time. This isn't defined by a set age. Some people figure out what settling down looks like at 25. For others, it take them until they're 35. When and how people enter Level 3 is where a lot of people start diverging into different timelines and life experiences. 

Level 4 Adulthood: This is around the time when people approach middle age and they start seeing the fruits of their long term goals or the reprucussions of their bad habits that have compounded over the decades. You might or might not have a midlife crisis of some kind. Maybe by now, for some who had kids, they are moving out and now you're dealing with empty nest syndrome. Or perhaps, you have been in a set career for a while and you're either looking to change things up a bit or you're planning your exit. Maybe, you're freaking out about retirement as it is more of a concern for you since it's fast approaching. Even if you're like 50 and you're not planning on retiring until 65, 15 years later, your perception of time tends to speed up and you start to think that the 15 years will go by in a blink of an eye. 

Level 5 Adulthood: This is like retirement age. You're basically a senior citizen and depending on how old you are, a lot of the people you care about are going to start dropping like flies. You spend a lot of time contemplating the life you have lived and what you're going to do with the time you have left. You might have a quarter life crisis like the 20 year olds. However, while the 20 year old is having a quarter life crisis about what to do with the rest of their lives, your quarter life crisis is about what you're going to do with the last quarter of your life. Hopefully you have retired and now you're figuring out what to do with your life now that you aren't working. Or maybe you are still working in some way and you're trying to figure out how that's going to go going forward. You might have thought of your mortality over the years in the previous stages, but now, it's much more tangible and you're trying to figure out what that means practically, emotionally, and medically. 

Level 6 Adulthood: This is like 80+. You've been retired for a while now and as far as I know, if you haven't kicked the bucket yet, you're just waiting for your death and talking shit about people in the mean time. Some people get real freaky at the retirement homes from what I hear lol. 

And I would hope that over the years, you start to get wiser and that your sense of responsibility to the people around you increases. I feel like most people who are in their mid twenties, we're unc, but like to small children under the age of 10. Listen, I'm like unc to a 5 year old. But I'm not unc to a 17 year old. But as you approach your mid 30s and beyond, you're like unc to everyone younger than you at that point. And then, once you're like 50+ and you're like at level 4 and beyond, you're basically an elder in the community and hopefully, you act like. Unfortunately, there are a lot of old people that grow old, are stuck in their ways, and stagnate instead of getting wiser and becoming a reputable guide in the community. 

I feel like right now, I'm at a level 2.5. I feel like I have some elements of what settling down looks like for me figured out and I'm logistically making moves to actualize that. I know my values and what kind of life I want to create. I have my opinions on home ownership. I know what kind of city or place I want to be in long term. I know what I want in a life long partner (and I might have already met him). I know what kind of industry I want to be in. I feel like I'm competent enough for some people to look up to me. The only thing I feel like I haven't figured out is whether or not I want to be a parent. I do feel like it's more appropriate to have a leadership role for me and have more responsibility. I think that's normal as you start from level 1 and move to level 2 and beyond. I just don't know if that extra degree of leadership involves parenthood or not. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Different Experiences of Motherhood 

I watched this episode of Supernanny and I cried the whole time. I feel like this depicts one of my nightmare scenarios when I think of me deciding to go on the path of becoming a parent. Basically, Antionette meets her husband Dwight, gets married, has a couple kids with him, and then soon after that, Dwight passes away. The kids are pretty young too. The younger kid is only like 5 months old when the dad passes away and the older is about 2 years old.

Unlike a lot of the other episodes of Supernanny, the parents seem like reasonable people who did do a lot of things right. They aren't super young with 5 kids and keep popping more out. The kids seem relatively normal and not feral (tbh, it was nice to see how this 2-year old acts as a reference of what is normal after seeing episodes of demon kids feeding off each other). And that's why I wrote about the notion of wanting to be a parent unconditionally because you can do everything right, and still be in the trenches and find yourself as a single mom of two young kids. 

The episode was very touching. It mainly focused on helping the mom have some degree of structure in her day to day, give her space to grieve, and brushed up on some parenting techniques. I loved how the show got her community involved to help her through this and the amount of time they dedicated to keep the dad's spirit alive for the kids so that they will still know their father in some way and still be connected to their father from the relationship the dad had in their community. The scene where Antoinette was expressing the anger in her grief really stuck with me because imagine dating around, nothing working out, and then eventually you finally meet the love of your life in your late 30s. Everything is going great and you're building a life together, you have two kids, and shortly after that, he just dies. Imagine having to go through your preganancy and raising infants while having to provide end of life care for your husband. 

Like I have thought of scenarios like this of what to do if shit really hit the fan while I have a kid. And I think I could handle it even if it's difficult. But I don't think I could handle something like this if it happened in the first 5 years of me having a kid, much less having multiple kids. The baby and toddler stage already freak me out. But imagine having to deal with that with a bunch of disasters happening in your personal life and you have to hold it together for you kid.

Motherhood can show up in many different ways depending on someone's personal history, their life situation, where they are in the world, their socioeconomic class, how supportive their partner is, what kind of community they have around them, what kind of infrastructure (parenting can look different in a suburb vs a city for example), and of course, random life events happening. I try to tell myself that my experience of motherhood can be very different depending on all of these factors.

In a more positive note, I think I will have a very different relationship to motherhood compared to my mom and grandma who didn't have much of a choice in the matter because of how carefully I'm thinking through this, how I would prepare for a life event like this, and the extent of which I have an education and a career to where I can financially stand on my own. I will have a very different relationship to motherhood compared to my peers who got preganant and had their kid in their teens and early twenties. In the same way that losing a parent when you're in your 20s is a very different experience to losing a parent in your 40s or 50s, I believe that having a kid in your teens/early 20s is very different from having a kid in your 30s or 40s. It's still going to be hard and there are tradeoffs on whichever age you become a parent, hence why there is no perfect time to be a parent, but some trade offs are worse than other imo. I know some people talk about having kids young so you have the energy, but I think that having kids older is a much more stable time to have your kid.

I know I wrote above on the different levels to adulthood and I think that when you're at level 1 or 2 of being an adult and you have a kid, you have to figure out how to be an adult and raise the kid at the same time. Both are difficult things to do, and having to do that at the same time often means you're stunting yourself in a lot of ways which then seeps into how you rais your kid, stunting them as well. I know the counterarguement will be *well, you have to grow up faster if you become a parent young* and to that I would say that just because you grow up fast, doesn't mean you grow up right. And often times, when you are rushing, you're missing key milestones and a sustainable pacing that will help you grow your maturity in a more solidified way. I feel much more capable of parenthood at 26 than I do at 23. I wrote about this before but I remember at 23 feeling like I have so much more to figure out in life to where pregnancy and motherhood felt like a death sentance. Maybe part of the reason why parenthood also felt really scary back then is because literally some of the craziest people I knew were getting pregnant and they were getting pregnant very young to where having a kid was a super disrupting event. I'm not saying that having a kid in your 30s and beyond isn't also disrupting, but it isn't like developmentally disruptive. Similarly, if you were 27 when COVID happened, even though it sucked, you probably came out unscathed since you had a fully formed brain. But if you were like 7 when COVID happened, that probably disrupted your social, emotional, and educational development and still probably affects you today. 

So basically, considering that I'm thinking through my decision to become a parent carefully, I'm working with a therapist to deal with my various neurotic tendencies, I am a relatively stable and well adjusted adult, I have a good amount in savings and financial stability, and I have some basic education on how to raise a kid, all those things can mitigate how difficult parenthood can be for me. And that's not even considering the fact that if I decide to be a parent, I'm probably not going to have the kid until I'm in my mid 30s, giving me another 7-8 years to prepare and get my life together. Something that makes me emotional about this decision is how I have the opportunity to choose differently in my life compared to all the women before me in the way that parenthood is optional and I can create a beautiful and fulfilling life apart from it. Sure, it's had being in conflict with myself and being in this existential crisis, but the luxury of choice is not a luxury that everyone has.  But, even if I do decide to go on the more conventional route and be a parent, I'm still going to experience parenthood very differently. 

On a more negative note, I could do everything right and have motherhood be difficult because life can be difficult. Going back to the Supernanny episodes, one of the things that really hit me was when the mom was saying things like "I wasn't supposed to be by myself and raise these kids alone" when talking about her husband suddenly passing away from cancer and leaving her to raise two young kids. I also think of how you can financially prepare and then have some fucked up life event that causes you to be in poverty and raise your kids in that situation. Again, the situation is less likely and the severity can be mitigated if you saved before, but you can still be in very difficult financial situations with a kid. Hell, something could happen to you and then your spouse has to raise the kid alone so it's so important to pick a good partner because they will be with you through some very difficult moments and they will have to pick up where you left off. You could have a perfectly healthy kid, they could get into a horrible accident, and then you have to care for a special needs kid which then changes the trajectory of their life and your experience in parenthood. Life is so long and so much can happen, and things can unfold in ways you didn't expect in a both negative and positive way. 

Also, taking both the good and bad into consideration, even though I'm pretty sure I would only have one kid if I decide to be a parent at all, I find it interesting when I hear stories of siblings who have a pretty big age gap and as a result, had completely different versions of their parents despite having the same parent. I think in general, while people love to talk about siblings having the same childhood, that isn't always accurate and the truth is more nuanced than that. Even if they were close in age, birth order can affect things and so does personalities and how they clash/ compliment with the parents. Each sibling can also have different ways they navigate the dynamics in the household and they can respond to the same upbringing or life events in different ways. I think of the example of Ross and Monica in Friends where the siblings were treated very differently from each other by the parents where Ross was the golden child of sorts and Monica was seen as the scapegoat. Sure, that's a more toxic example, but I think healthy versions of this can manifest in familes as well.

Then there is the age gap of it all. The craziest example I can think of from my own life is this guy I was friends with in high school. His mom had him when she was 19 years old and his dad walked out on them. He never knew his father and grew up as an only child. In addition to his mom, he was also being taken care of by his aunt and grandma who he is pretty close to. But then, when we were 17 years old, his mom got pregnant with his half sister. Granted I didn't keep in touch with him after highschool, but I remember even when we were in highschool and his sister was just born, I remember he was experiencing some grief around how his mom is having another kid in a much more stable part of her life and how his sister will have her dad in her life. And it was like watching the sibling have a much healthier childhood he never got to experience. I wonder how that has evolved over the years and I really hope they're all doing well. 

I have an older father and I was born when my dad was 42. He has some regret around having a kid so late in life because that means that he will have less time with me and potentially his grandkid. But then I think about how my life would have gone had I been born in 1989 instead of 1999. Even though he was 32 and was at an age where its very typical to have a kid, and most of his peers were having kids, I would have gotten a very different version of my dad. That version had yet to unpack his PTSD and was still getting flashbacks. That version was very financially unstable and would have materially given me a very different life compared to the upper middle class upbringing I had. I wouldn't have had the education I had much less be able to pay for college. I wouldn't have gone on the family vacations that enriched my childhood and contributed to the adult I am today. That version had a lot more issues mentally, emotionally, and financially he had yet to work through. Don't get me wrong, my dad wasn't perfect when raising me but I am thankful that I didn't go through any of that. 

Edited Saturday at 11:44 PM by soos_mite_ah