Contemplating Motherhood

[soos_mite_ah]

The Dream vs The Fantasy 

On 6/11/2026 at 11:03 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I don't believe in sacrificing my dreams for a MAN of all things. And typically when people think of giving up their dreams for a man, they imagine those corny Hallmark movies where the woman gives up her high power corporate job to go to small town, get married, and become a Christmas tree farmer. In my case, my "dream" is about being a parent and low key, I'm not 100% certain on whether or not this is my dream. But if it is, it wouldn't be right to give it up because of a man. 

I think one of the difficult parts of me trying decipher if I want to be a parent is this notion of giving up my dreams to be with a man who is child free or doubting if this is my dream at all in the first place. And I think the word dream is an interesting word. It's not something tangible (yet) and it is something aspirational. Similarly, I think the situation I'm in is difficult because there is this notion that I'm giving up my very tangible relationship in the hopes of the potential of having a kid which is completely hypothetical at this time. There is also the aspirational element in regards to the work I will need to put in and what I will need to align to actualize my goal of becoming a good parent. 

I think there is also a nuance in this intangibility. I think the difference between a dream and a fantasy is that a dream is something that can be actualized while a fantasy tends to ignore reality or paint it with rose colored glasses. I don't think I'm buying into the fantasy of being a parent because of the ways that I'm factoring in the difficult aspects of parenthood and the way that I'm deconstructing my potential unhealthy/ selfish reasons for being a parent. In doing so, I'm grappling with the reality of parenthood and I'm trying to make a well informed decision regarding if this is good path for me.

However, a lot of people decide to become a parent because of the fantasy they have of the kid. That can include but not be limitted to wanting a mini me, having a very specific idea of of what they want the kid to be like or look like, wanting parenthood to fulfill an unmet need etc. I have written in the past about the importance of analyzing fantasies that we might have: 

On 7/13/2025 at 10:25 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Fantasy 

I feel like I have been talking about fantasies a lot in my journal recently, in this page particularly. The word "fantasy" appears 29 times and the word "fantasises" shows up 9 times prior to me writing this post. I've been reflecting on various forms of fantasy range from sexual fantasies, fantasies that are misconceptions of how things actually work, fantasies that reproduce existing ideologies, fantasies that we get lost in, and fantasies that we then use find ourselves in. I suppose this is byproduct of me trying to reconnect with my desires in an existential sense since fantasy can be an insightful window into what we want or are taught to want. It can prove to be a safe environment to engage in pleasure or some kind of psychological need without actively putting ourselves in harms way that comes with the reality of a situation (think consensual BDSM vs being in the hands of an actual abuser). But, if we're not careful, in some situations, that can escape from the actual work and reality can lull us in to complacency (think fantasizing about being wealthy housewife that doesn't do much other than drink matcha and seeing that as an escape from capitalism rather than putting the actual work to make a better life for people). 

And, while I do want to connect with my desires in a sustainable way, I don't want them to control me. I want my relation to my desires to drive me to engage with life rather than to escape from it to where my eyes are glazed over in a haze. I might not always like reality, but I never want to take it for granted. I don't want to dissolve my empathy and divorce myself from the tragedies happening around me. I don't want to sacrifice my critical thinking for the sake of not going insane in this information environment. I don't want to be stingy with my energy in the effort of self-preservation to where I shy away from annoyance and inconvenience when they're often the byproduct of long term fulfilling goals. I don't want trade my sensuality for uncanny, inhuman perfection. And I certainly don't want to disconnect from a sense of passion, hope, and earnestness for the sake of invulnerable, apathetic, nonchalance. 

I want to be more human in a world that's trying to take that away from us. And analyzing fantasy is not only my way of exploring that humanness, but it's also my way of analyzing the things that cower us away from embracing the full breadth of our humanness. 

And while I do think analyzing my desires for parenthood falls more so in the dream category rather than the fantasy category, I think it can be helpful to analyze the fantasy aspect of this desire. I think my fantasy around being a parent has to do with my desire to have a sense of community and be an elder who guides a kid (or kids). In this fantasy, I have a kid who I'm guiding through various aspects of life. It might be my biological kid, it might not be. I have a good life that I have built for myself that I can share with another person. I'm sharing my stories and my experiences with them. And I get to see the world from a fresher set of eyes from them and their experiences. While I am a guide, I also get to learn along with them, not only because they teach me but because parenthood itself teaches me.

A fantasy often collapses complexity and sees the ideal in question as an antidote (or the only antidote) to a problem. A dream tends to survive contact with reality because you still want something even after you understand the cost. I think the fantasy aspect of my desire comes from how I'm lacking a sense of community as of right now and that certain areas of my life feels a little stagnant. My fantasy revolves around building a good life for myself and nurturing various kinds of human connection. I don't think it's fundamentally coming from a sense of lack but it's coming from my life values as a whole. I think the dream aspect of my desire is still something I'm exploring in all the ways that my dream can still stand the test of various life obstacles. 

I can also see different ways that I can fufill my goals of having a sense of community, being a guide, having kids in my life apart from being a parent or adopting a parental role. I can volunteer. I can be a close friend. I can be more involved in my extended family. But I guess I still wonder what it is that still brings be back to seeing parenthood as the most viable path. Maybe it's because of societal conditioning on various levels? Maybe it could be an actual solid underlying desire or dream? I don't know, I'm still figuring that out. 

Edited Friday at 10:50 PM by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Bruh... both of these kinds of parents creep me tf out. And even if you don't subscribe to this shit, the way that the rest of the community and society enables this type messaging for young kids is soooo gross

[soos_mite_ah]

An Increase in Empathy 

I think as I have been thinking more about whether or not I should become a parent that I have gotten a deeper sense of empathy towards the people around me. Don't get me wrong, I've always had a sense of empathy for most people but I think now, I'm thinking from the lens of *what would it be like to be the parent of this person?* or *what would it be like to parent under these circumstances?* For example, a few weeks ago there was a shooting near me and a few people were shot. Of course there is the layer of empathy around how messed up this was, what was this like for the individuals that were harmed, how this is impacting the community and the people around me. But then, I caught myself thinking things along the lines of "imagine being a parent and then decades later, your kid gets shot" , "what are the possible parental and community level enabling that caused the shooter to do what he did since his actions don't exist in a vacuum," "imagine getting shot and then you have to recover and still parent your kids. Also, imagine what it's like for the kids to witness this."  

I also think over the years I have found myself looking at my elementary, middle, and high school years more fondly. Not in a romanticized "I wish I could go back" kind of way but in a "I might not have liked everyone from those years but now as an adult, I no longer harbor any ill feelings towards those kids and I genuinely wish them well." I find myself thinking about random people and thinking about what was going on at home in addition to school that was contributing to them acting the way they are or what it must have been like being their parents. I feel like I especially think of this when I think of my friends who had young parents (I'm talking their parents had them when they were in their teens or late 20s) and how that impacted my friends growing up and into adulthood. Like "what was it like having to have a kid at 18 and then having to go to college plus figure out your adult life while having to raise a kid?" or "what was it like for the grandparents involved having to look after the grandkids after dealing with their child's teen pregnancy?" Or when something awful happens to either the parent or the child, I'm like "damn, and you still gotta go home and raise those damn kids. What do you have to do in order for your parenting to accommodate this so that this event doesn't taint the way you're raising them."

Then I think of the kids that I didn't really get along with when I was a kid. I mainly had trouble getting along with the "trouble makers" which ranged from kids who were doing drugs, not paying attention in school, the hot cheeto girls that would intimidate me, and the like. And I think about what I would have had to do from the parent's perspective to correct their behavior, to understand them, and encourage them in their interests. I really don't like how some adults would label some kids as good or bad, or how they would label some kids as the problem child, the smart one , the pretty one etc. because now that I'm an adult, I can see how that create a complex in the kid and how that can show up in a variety of ways well into adulthood. That's not to say that you can't compliment you kid on being smart or pretty or that you have to enable you kid by not calling out their bad behavior as bad but it is to say that writing them off or forming their identity around that is pretty fucked up. And I think as the kid who didn't know better, I also fell into the pattern that the adults around me were exhibiting on labeling some kids as the trouble makers, the dumb ones, the smart ones, the successful ones, the quiet good ones, etc.

Now as an adult, I try not to do the same thing for other kids. For example, my boyfriend has a friend, who has another friend who has a kid. The kid is like 8 years old now and the mom had him when she was like 19. The kid is a little bit chaotic and rambunctious and I think my boyfriend and his friend has a knee jerk reaction to say that he is a bad kid. And on the surface, I can see how from the perspective of the parent he is not one of the easier kids to raise and how especially if you had to deal with the difficulties of parenthood from such a young age, that you probably aren't well equipped to handle such situations, which makes the kid and situation more frustrating. But at the same time, I don't think this kid is "bad." I think he is largely acting out because of the instability of the mom's life. This led led to the kid having incosistent attention from his dad (and eventually the dad abandoning him all together), constant moving, strange men coming in an out of the house, and a mom who is trying really hard to figure out her own shit to where he gets neglected or is causing the kid to be on the receiving end of less than ideal parenting. 

And I'm not looking down on the mom either. Don't get me wrong, I do disagree with her on a lot of things and I don't like the way she handles some situations, but I can have some empathy for her seeing that she really is doing her best (even if it's not great). As a woman, I can empathize with the pressures put on her, the bullshit she has had to go through, and how a life event like this has moved around her prospects in life and the extent to which she was able to grow and develop as a person. It's not to excuse the way she's raising her kid but it is to give additional context and understanding of the situation. Like I think a lot of kids who act up is a combination of their surroundings and life circumstances, the way they are being parented, age appropriate behaviors, and also the temperment. Out of the 4 factors, only one is personal and up to chance 100%. The surroundings/ life circumstances, and parenting skills can be controlled and prepared for to a certain extent. And the age appropriate behaviors is just markers of developmentally healthy tendencies that shouldn't be taken personally but should still be corrected and taken seriously. Like yes, it's normal for 4 year olds to be egocentric tantrum monsters. That doesn't mean you take their actions personally, see them as evil, or think you're a bad parent. But you still do need to discipline them so they know right from wrong and so they can continue developing in an age appropriate way. 

Speaking of age appropriate behaviors,  I do think the whole "you're kid is so mature and calm for their age" isn't necessarily a good thing or a proxy for good parenting. Sure, on the surface it can look like it because it carries this notion that you must have done something right for them to behave. But, having a quiet kid can be the by product of a lot of things. Maybe that particular kid's way of dealing with instability is being quiet and standing in the corner because they're anxious, while another kid with a different temperment's way of dealing with the same situation is to act out. Maybe, the kid is more mature for their age because their parents are making them responsible for adult issues and they're forced to grow up faster. Maybe the kid is really anxious and terrified of the parents because the parents are abusive. Don't get me wrong, I do think in some situations, kids can be healthy,  calm, and well regulated because the parents are doing something right like providing them a stable environment, modeling good habits, soothing the kid to where they learn to soothe themselves, etc.  But as a parent, you can do all of those things and still have your kid act out in age appropriate ways and have that be healthy. If anything, if I encounter a pair of 3 year olds from different parents, and one of the kids is acting like a normal 3 year old/ having tantrums, while the other kid is too scared to do anything or show any emotions, even thought the second kid is seen as "easier to raise" I'm more worried about the second kid as opposed to the first kid. Sometimes, considering the parents having good parenting habits and are raising the kid in a good environment, the kid acting out is indicative that they are comfortable around the parents and are alright with sharing their emotions, which is a good thing. But yeah, it's not as simple as having a good quiet kid who always behaves well in public versus having a bad kid who is like the human equivalent of an agressive chihuahua.