Contemplating Motherhood

[soos_mite_ah]

The Dream vs The Fantasy 

On 6/11/2026 at 11:03 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I don't believe in sacrificing my dreams for a MAN of all things. And typically when people think of giving up their dreams for a man, they imagine those corny Hallmark movies where the woman gives up her high power corporate job to go to small town, get married, and become a Christmas tree farmer. In my case, my "dream" is about being a parent and low key, I'm not 100% certain on whether or not this is my dream. But if it is, it wouldn't be right to give it up because of a man. 

I think one of the difficult parts of me trying decipher if I want to be a parent is this notion of giving up my dreams to be with a man who is child free or doubting if this is my dream at all in the first place. And I think the word dream is an interesting word. It's not something tangible (yet) and it is something aspirational. Similarly, I think the situation I'm in is difficult because there is this notion that I'm giving up my very tangible relationship in the hopes of the potential of having a kid which is completely hypothetical at this time. There is also the aspirational element in regards to the work I will need to put in and what I will need to align to actualize my goal of becoming a good parent. 

I think there is also a nuance in this intangibility. I think the difference between a dream and a fantasy is that a dream is something that can be actualized while a fantasy tends to ignore reality or paint it with rose colored glasses. I don't think I'm buying into the fantasy of being a parent because of the ways that I'm factoring in the difficult aspects of parenthood and the way that I'm deconstructing my potential unhealthy/ selfish reasons for being a parent. In doing so, I'm grappling with the reality of parenthood and I'm trying to make a well informed decision regarding if this is good path for me.

However, a lot of people decide to become a parent because of the fantasy they have of the kid. That can include but not be limitted to wanting a mini me, having a very specific idea of of what they want the kid to be like or look like, wanting parenthood to fulfill an unmet need etc. I have written in the past about the importance of analyzing fantasies that we might have: 

On 7/13/2025 at 10:25 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Fantasy 

I feel like I have been talking about fantasies a lot in my journal recently, in this page particularly. The word "fantasy" appears 29 times and the word "fantasises" shows up 9 times prior to me writing this post. I've been reflecting on various forms of fantasy range from sexual fantasies, fantasies that are misconceptions of how things actually work, fantasies that reproduce existing ideologies, fantasies that we get lost in, and fantasies that we then use find ourselves in. I suppose this is byproduct of me trying to reconnect with my desires in an existential sense since fantasy can be an insightful window into what we want or are taught to want. It can prove to be a safe environment to engage in pleasure or some kind of psychological need without actively putting ourselves in harms way that comes with the reality of a situation (think consensual BDSM vs being in the hands of an actual abuser). But, if we're not careful, in some situations, that can escape from the actual work and reality can lull us in to complacency (think fantasizing about being wealthy housewife that doesn't do much other than drink matcha and seeing that as an escape from capitalism rather than putting the actual work to make a better life for people). 

And, while I do want to connect with my desires in a sustainable way, I don't want them to control me. I want my relation to my desires to drive me to engage with life rather than to escape from it to where my eyes are glazed over in a haze. I might not always like reality, but I never want to take it for granted. I don't want to dissolve my empathy and divorce myself from the tragedies happening around me. I don't want to sacrifice my critical thinking for the sake of not going insane in this information environment. I don't want to be stingy with my energy in the effort of self-preservation to where I shy away from annoyance and inconvenience when they're often the byproduct of long term fulfilling goals. I don't want trade my sensuality for uncanny, inhuman perfection. And I certainly don't want to disconnect from a sense of passion, hope, and earnestness for the sake of invulnerable, apathetic, nonchalance. 

I want to be more human in a world that's trying to take that away from us. And analyzing fantasy is not only my way of exploring that humanness, but it's also my way of analyzing the things that cower us away from embracing the full breadth of our humanness. 

And while I do think analyzing my desires for parenthood falls more so in the dream category rather than the fantasy category, I think it can be helpful to analyze the fantasy aspect of this desire. I think my fantasy around being a parent has to do with my desire to have a sense of community and be an elder who guides a kid (or kids). In this fantasy, I have a kid who I'm guiding through various aspects of life. It might be my biological kid, it might not be. I have a good life that I have built for myself that I can share with another person. I'm sharing my stories and my experiences with them. And I get to see the world from a fresher set of eyes from them and their experiences. While I am a guide, I also get to learn along with them, not only because they teach me but because parenthood itself teaches me.

A fantasy often collapses complexity and sees the ideal in question as an antidote (or the only antidote) to a problem. A dream tends to survive contact with reality because you still want something even after you understand the cost. I think the fantasy aspect of my desire comes from how I'm lacking a sense of community as of right now and that certain areas of my life feels a little stagnant. My fantasy revolves around building a good life for myself and nurturing various kinds of human connection. I don't think it's fundamentally coming from a sense of lack but it's coming from my life values as a whole. I think the dream aspect of my desire is still something I'm exploring in all the ways that my dream can still stand the test of various life obstacles. 

I can also see different ways that I can fufill my goals of having a sense of community, being a guide, having kids in my life apart from being a parent or adopting a parental role. I can volunteer. I can be a close friend. I can be more involved in my extended family. But I guess I still wonder what it is that still brings be back to seeing parenthood as the most viable path. Maybe it's because of societal conditioning on various levels? Maybe it could be an actual solid underlying desire or dream? I don't know, I'm still figuring that out. 

Edited Friday at 10:50 PM by soos_mite_ah