Contemplating Motherhood

soos_mite_ah · July 4, 2024

@mydiamondsandpearls Thank you so much!!! I hope you enjoy the posts lol.

soos_mite_ah · July 4, 2024

I find this topic interesting because I feel like the expectations people had for things such as parenthood and even weddings has changed so much since social media and influencers started posting things. I feel like a lot of these things were much simpler in the past whereas now on the internet, they look like larger than life spectacles. I know it would be pretty chronically online to assume that everyone is having over the top weddings and are giving their children over the top childhoods but I do think that this type of content does affect what standards are seen as aspirational and even normal.

soos_mite_ah · July 13, 2024

Therapy Notes 3: Provider

I discussed much of what I wrote about in the post below in therapy:

Basically it boils down to the fact that there is a part of me that wants to have a kid, but only in specific circumstances. And if those circumstances don't come into fruition, that's fine because I can still envision having a happy fulfilling life because I'm not going into the notion of having kids is going to fulfill me rather I want to build a fulfilling life and pour into / share that with someone. And even if that someone isn't born, well I still have a beautiful life that I've built for myself. I think that I have a more nuanced view of this matter after these three sessions and I feel like I have a good head on my shoulders in terms of decision making and consciously making this decision.

I detailed this in a past post but the three scenarios where I can see myself having kids is as follows:

On 7/3/2024 at 9:31 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

A. My husband and I both make decent money and are able to move to New Zealand to raise the kid.

B. There are serious changes that have been made in the U.S. government (reforms in health care, education, cost of living, parental leave, gun laws, child care etc.)

C. My husband is absolutely loaded to where we can afford to give the kid a good life and have the means to make good decisions despite being in America in the occasion that America doesn't change.

If I don't meet the right man in time (say I'm like 37 and still single with no signs for worthy prospects) and if one of the following scenarios doesn't come true, I'm just going to say that having a kid is just not in the cards for me from the universe and just call it a day. There is also the possibility that I am still unsure in my late 20s but my thing is, if I'm putting this much thought into this decision only to still be unsure at like 28, at that point the indecisivness isn't coming from wanting to see all possibilities rather it's coming from a place of probably deep down inside not wanting to do this. I agree to a certain extent that if you're not sure, the answer is no, if being unsure is coming from a place of hesitation rather than justified scrutiny.

We discussed these scenarios in therapy and talked about how this is coming from a place of wanting to be well prepared for the common challenges of parenthood as it relates to money, childcare, medical matters, education etc. The thing is, there are a lot of unknowns when it comes to parenthood and I'm going to be challenged. But while there are a lot of unknowns, it's best to prepare for the known challenges of having a kid so that you have the bandwith and capacity to deal with the curveballs. I think I also need to trust my ability to handle unknown situations or at the very least trust myself to be able to reach out and get the resources I need to handle said unknown situations.

I do believe this inner sense of confidence is something that can come with age and challenging myself as I continue to grow and change as a person who is figuring out adulthood and as I navigate other life transitions over the years from switching careers, moving, travelling, and more. I do have faith in the person I become and I think I'll know more concretely where I stand with the topic of having kids when I am a bit older. Not only that, who knows how much the world can change in that time. The world has changed a lot in the past decade, albeit not in positive ways. But I'm sure good changes can happen too and a decade is a pretty long time.

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Not only did we discuss my ability to provide when it comes to having a kid but we also talked about how I would need to approach dating if I have the intention of potentially having a kid. I explored this in the same previous post I have been referring to:

On 7/3/2024 at 9:31 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

What does make a man worthy of being the father of my potential child in addition to simply being a good spouse?:

Doesn't see child care and taking care of the home as a gendered activity.

Enthusiastically and diligently wants to be an active role in the child's life and has thought of the reprucussions of having a kid as deeply as I have

Is willing to take time off work to take care of the kid until they reach school age and I am willing to

We have an exceptional, healthy, and fulfilling relationship that can deal with the challenges of parenthood effectively. We need to model a healthy relationship for the kid, he needs to be a good role model, and he needs to be a good team member when it comes taking on this project together.

Is incredibly supportive of what I may go through physically and mentally in this transition, carries the load of being a parent with me, and is trusted to take care of the kid if for whatever reason I'm not able to.

Has similar philosophies on the topic of raising kids (i.e. not super relgious in the upbringing, doesn't believe in hitting kids, understands what healthy parenting looks like, emphasizes educational achievement etc.)

Is capable of supporting a family montetarily

Has a good amount of family support and comes from a healthy household (optional but highly preferred).

Basically, this boils down to the guy taking an active role in raising the kid and doing domestic labor, is reliable when for whatever reason I'm not able to follow through on these responsibilities (whether I'm struggling mentally, physically, or if I'm absent in the event of death), has thought through the implecations of having kids as carefully as I have and is compatible with my philosophies around parenthood, and has the material means of supporting the kid. In other words, I don't want to be alone in dealing with the struggles of parenthood materially in the form of monetary commitment and domestic duties or mentally regarding similar views and in terms of emotional support in challenging times

We talked about how I feel about screening for such things in a relationship and having these standards. While I don't think there is a 100% chance of me knowing how a guy is going to react to being a father until the baby is here, I do believe there are signs in the relationship based on how he treats me, his attitude towards taking care of the home, and how living together would work. And of course I can have conversations with this guy regarding his thinking process around having a kid. All of that I'm comfortable with and it's also things I want to check out via living together before marrying someone even if having a kid is off the table.

I also discussed the growing trend on the internet regarding traditional gender roles and *finding a provider man.* While there are some decent relationship advice out there regarding red flags to look out for, I also feel like a lot of dating advice nowadays is hyper individualistic but not particularly individualized in that it cannot take an individual's situation into nuanced consideration and can be blanket advice. I feel like nowadays there seems to be this notion that there is only one way that a healthy relationship can look, where a man provides financially 100% and the woman is in her receiving energy. There is nothing wrong with that so long as it's coming from a healthy place for both parties but that is not the format that feels authentic for everyone. I feel like for me personally, I like taking a more active role in the relationship and sometimes pay for dates because.... well I like doing nice things for my partner and he likes doing nice things for me and it's reciprocal. Like it's not coming from a pick me complex where we're both keeping score and tallying up when it's someone's turn to pitch in.

But this notion around dating to find a provider man I feel is coming from a back lash of the girl-boss feminism of the 2010s and how we're idealizing being able to provide for a family on a single income since the economy is going to shit and more and more women don't want to work and instead wants to have the option to stay home and take care of the kids. A whole generation of women have been told that we can do it all. And while this is empowering, a lot of us also heard that we need to do it all, and it's fucking stressful if you don't have an adequate amount of support. So people are pushing back against this. However, the problem around getting a provider man who will pay all of the bills is that it sells a fantasy rather than a solution. The solution isn't that we all get out of the workforce to be stay at home wives and mothers so that we don't have to deal with the stress of working like we don't have a family and providing for a family as if we don't have a job and other plights of late stage capitalism by opting out of the system. The solution is having the option for affordable childcare, higher wages, maternity AND paternity leave, access to quality health care etc.

Nevertheless, I feel like this type of advice to lock in a rich man and the singular model of what a healthy relationship looks like has an appeal with the way that it gives a formula and sense of predicatability on how to achieve desired results in an increasingly chaotic and unpredictable world and dating landscape. Sure I can brush some of this off as chronically online but we also need to acknowledge that this is coinciding with the prevalence of online dating where you're essentially meeting people from the void of strangers in max 100 mi radius rather than the natural filtration process of your social circle. Besides dating apps, I think there is also an inherent level of unpredicatbility when it comes to dating and it's natural for our human minds to want to find patterns to explain this madness, even if such pattern doesn't actually exist, for a sense of predicatabily in having desired outcomes.

I think for me at least, feeling like I need to date with the attitude of *I need to find a rich provider man* is me trying to craft a sense of predicatability in a relatively unpredictable situation (because hey, we don't know how exactly the guy will react until the baby gets there). As I started unpacking this in therapy, it's obvious that the blind spot of this is that just because a guy provides monetarily doesn't mean he will actively be involved in the home and child rearing. And while I know this, I guess there is a part of me that wanted to hold on to this misconception because there is a part of me that thought well maybe if he can provide financially, he's also likely to provide in the home and emotionally as well. The other part of me is just being influenced by the trends around me at this period of time where traditional gender roles are having a resurgance. Basically, I need to touch grass lol.

Edited July 13, 2024 by soos_mite_ah

soos_mite_ah · February 22

Updating My Views on Motherhood

Much of what I have written in this journal was about 1.5 to 2 years ago. The reason why I haven't written much in this journal is not because I haven't been thinking about this topic, I have, but because I have had other things come up in my life that I had to deal with. I also read through this journal again and it's interesting to see where I was at in say at 23/24 versus where I'm at now at 26. I think I'm also thinking about the topic of parenthood much more now that I have moved in with my boyfriend. We have been together for 3.5 years now and getting a place together is a big step in our relationship. From the beginning I knew he was a good boyfriend, but deciding if he is a good life partner has been a challenge since we met in our early 20s and neither of us knew what settling down looks like for us. And this big decision has been making me think of where I stand in large life decisions like parenthood and if I'm compatible with him on this.

I feel like when I was 23, motherhood sounded like a death sentence for me, literally and figuratively. Literally in the sense that in the state of Texas and the overturning of Roe v. Wade, god forbid something happened in the pregancy and I needed a medical abortion, that's not really an option for me. Figuratively in the sense that my whole life would be over and I would have to reorient everything around being a parent. But now at 26, since I have a decent amount in savings, since I'm more adjusted to adult life, I have more confidence within myself around navigating uncertainty with resiliance, and because I'm more emotionally self-regulated, motherhood seems less like a death sentence. If I found out I was preganant and I don't have the option to abort now, I would still freak out because it is a huge challenge, but it wouldn't feel like my life is over in the same way it would if the same scenario happened to me at 23. I definitely feel like I'm more capable now. That doesn't mean that the desire is there or that I should. For example, I'm capable of getting through law school, but that doesn't mean that I want to or i should. Same goes for parenthood. I feel like I'm capable of being a good parent but I'm still trying to figure out if this is what I genuinely want in my life.

I wrote about this back in December 2021 and then I revisted it in March 2023 and I want to explore similar points again:

Thought #1: Would I Even Make a Good Parent?: Yes, I feel like I would make a good parent given how carefully I'm thinking this decision through and given the work I have done in my personal life both in terms of healing from generational issues as well as the life I have built for myself so far.

Thought #2: Kids are Draining: I'm starting to shift on how I feel about dealing with kids and I have gotten better at it over the years. I don't really think kids are draining.... but toddlers and babies on the other hand.... I have accepted the notion that if I decide to have a kid, the first 3-4 years is going to be hell. Will it always be that way? No. Is the 3-4 year of hell worth the human connection and experience afterwards? I'm still figuring that out. I still relate to this:

On 9/18/2023 at 7:01 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

the idea of being a mom is pretty daunting. The idea of having work and then maintaining the household/ raising the kids seems like a recipe of becoming one of the many adults who are tired constantly and barely have room to breathe. Don't get me wrong, my husband would be sharing the responsibility but even then it's this idea of being on all the time.

I think if I decide to have a kid, having a good partner is crucial for me. I was also hearing a lot of horror stories of women who started living with their partners and how that ruined the relationship and put them in a position where they were doing a majority of the housework to take care of a grown man. I feel like for my relationship specifically, I dont' think that I'm doing more or less domestic labor because I have a partner who is not offloading much of the responsibility on to me. In some ways, living with a partner makes certain things in life easier in terms of household management. In my opinion, the wrong partner doubles your household responsibilities while the right one cuts it in half. I say all of this to say that raising a kid is a lot of work but having a competent partner makes things suck considerably less.

Thought #3: Loving Your Kids but Hating Motherhood

On 9/18/2023 at 7:01 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

On top of this being a huge energy sink, especially for women, a lot of women forget who they were before having kids because they no longer have the time to themselves or hobbies that make them feel fulfilled. Not only that, but often times when a woman becomes a mother, society only sees her as such and then suddenly literally everything in your life becomes about being a mom and people only focus on that one aspect of you. And I feel like if you take the path of least resistance and have things like your marriage and kids take over your life, it's bound to turn into a cesspool of resentment, dysfunction, and inner turmoil unless you carve out time to prioritize yourself and take care of your own needs amidst all of this (even when everyone else sees you as being selfish for doing so)

I'm still figuring out if motherhood is for me. I understand that prioritizing a lot of things after becoming a parent is harder once you have a kid. As a result, I do intend on fulfilling a number of personal and financial goals before I make a decision like this. At the same time, I think even though society can reduce women down to just mothers, that doesn't mean that you have to as well. I think in the same way you can decide not have your marriage take over your entire life, you can do the same with parenthood. I think you can still maintain your hobbies as a parent, it will likely look very different. Maybe you don't have time to go to the gym and life weights 3x a week but instead, your physical activity comes in the form of running after your kid in the park. Maybe you don't get to have dinner and drinks with your friends but you do get to invite them over to your place and they can also get to know your kid and be an adult in their life. Maybe you will have to put travel on hold for like 3 years but then after that, you can bring your kid along for smaller, more budget friendly trips. And if you do need time for yourself, I think you should take it. It's not selfish. If anything, it will be good for the kid to see that you have a life outside of parenthood and that you're prioritizing yourself rather than having motherhood run you dry.

My point is, I don't think that parenthood should be a reason to abandon your hobbies or your community/ friend circile. If anything, I think maintaining your friendships, community, and your hobbies becomes more important, not less, once you have a kid because it can allow your kid to see you as a whole person, it can help them explore their interests, and it can serve as an education on how to maintain relationships as you grow in different stages of your life. It also teaches the kid that not everything revolves around them which can teach them to be more understanding, less entitled, and more independent. I feel like for me, motherhood becomes less appealing to me when I think of the blueprint of centering your life around motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I think motherhood is a great part of my life but I don't think it should fully dominate everything. I feel like I could do another post dedicated to this as well.

Thought #4: Birthing the Kid vs Adopting: I feel like I'm still scared about giving birth. But given my experience with surgery and the recovery time for that, I feel like I'm generally in good shape and I don't have a huge history in my family of difficult births. I have heard a couple of horror stories but nothing too insane. I feel like if I keep myself in good health generally speaking things will go smoothly. Will I have to take time to recover from it? Absolutely. Am I capable of that? I feel like that's a yes. I think the surgery experience I had about a year ago made me a bit more confident in this regard. I know it's not a one to one comparison but I do think I see myself as more resiliant and able to cope.

Adoption is something that I'm open to but I don't think it's my first option. I have a lot of complex thoughts around adoption and the ethics around it given the way that the adoption and foster care system is corrupted. I also don't know if I'm qualified to take in a kid from the system and raise them in the right way because a lot of kids from the system do come with a lot of baggage to navigate (note: this is no hate towards the kid and I don't mean this as a negative fact, more so neutral, but it is something to take into consideration). I have a friend who is a therapist and who is physcially not able to have a kid due to health reasons but she is thinking of one day adopting a teenager from the system as a part of her family. I think out of all the people I know, because of her professional and personal background, I think that is the best option for her. And personally, I don't think of myself in that camp though I might be open to it as an alternative.

Thought #5: Unconventional Maternal Energy : Yeah, I think my maternal energy is very different from the typical baby fever variety. But over the last couple of years, I have grown to understand that the things that draw me to motherhood don't make me less maternal, just differently so. And I don't think this is a draw back.

Thought #6: The Moving Parts of Being a Good Mother: I wrote about my concerns back in 2021 and then I wrote about how I feel more reassured in 2023. This is what I wrote:

On 9/18/2023 at 7:17 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I feel like I have grown significantly since the last time I have written this and my life circumstances are very different. I am in a healthy and loving relationship which has made me think that maybe I have what it takes to raise well adjusted adults since often times, the qualities that make a good partner also makes a good parent. I'm also in a job that is stable and has descent benefits so I think in a few years time I would be financially equiped to have a kid in a dual income scenario. I'm sure in a few years I will be able to have a career that aligns with my life purpose. And as a result, I think that can fulfill much of what I have written about the moving parts of being a good mother (point 6) since I have the other aspects down.

I feel like it rings even more true now. And I think I would be fully ready once I reach my 30s if this is the trajectory I want to take my life.

Thought #7: The Chaos of the World : I have written about my concerns about climate change, late stage capitalism, and the general mess we're in as a country. But also, since travelling, I do have more hope for the situation in the U.S. and I doubt that this is the way it's always going to be. I feel like me choosing to have a kid is less about having faith in my immediate future 5 years down the line but more so the hope I have for the future 20+ years from now.

Thought #8: The Finality of Having Kids : While I do think that having kids is a very permanent decision, and as a result it's something to be very carefully thought out and not something to rush into by any means, I think the attitude I had about this in the past is seeing parenthood as a death sentence of sorts. I think parenthood can evolve over time to be more or less intensive and it's not something that is stagnant even though it's final. Personally, I want to at least be in my mid 30s when I have a kid (between the ages of 33 and 38) because I want to live a very full life before then. Not because I can't have a full life after having a kid but because I want to have a lot of experiences I can pour into the kid. If I decide to have a kid, I have the rest of my life to spend as a parent, so why rush? That's my attitude anyways.

I understand fertility can be a bit of an issue and they say that pregancies after 35 are "geriatric" or "doubles the risk for certain disorders." But I do think some of that is overstated due to misinterpretations and existing biases to push women to have kids sooner rather than later. For example, let's say you're the average woman with no family history of genetic disorders and as a result, for example's sake, you have a 1% chance of having a kid with a disorder if you have the kid before 35. Then, let's say the risk increases by 50%. Your new risk is 1.5% not 51% because 50% of 1 is .5 and the 50% increase equals to 1+.5=1.5. So a 1.5% risk vs a 51% risk are two very different things in terms of the data you're using to make an informed decision. However, let's say you are coming from a family with a history of genetic disorders and the risk you had before turning 35 is 20%. After 35, the new risk is 30% which is a considerabley higher. So that's when you need to take the age part more into consideration.

I also wrote about the following in 9/2023:

On 9/18/2023 at 7:19 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I have a bunch of reasons why I'm hesitant of having kids and why I'm thinking so hard about this. Some include the following:

my ability to deal with a variety of situations from a child being born with disabilities to tragedy being struck on the child to where I have to be a fulltime care giver for the rest of my life. I feel like the risk of disability and having to step up as a care taker is present regardless of if I have a kid or not. It's still there in the event of aging parents as well as having a spouse to take care of. That doesn't mean I'm going to shy away from getting married for example.

the current state of the world regarding climate change and the such. Like I wrote earlier, I have more faith in the long term future rather than the short term and that's what makes me consider motherhood instead of being doomer.

how draining kids can be and the thought of *what if I love my kids but end up hating motherhood* (particularly when it comes to the baby stage): Still something I'm contemplating but from a different lens as described above.

how final this decision is: I think parenthood no longer feels like a giant metaphorical death anymore

how terrifying pregnancy, birth, and postpartum can be: I feel like I'm more equipped to dealing with this sort of thing and I'm going to be in an even better position later in my life like 5+ years from now.

I also still agree from the following section from 9/2023:

On 9/18/2023 at 7:19 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Where I'm going with this is that I think I'll reach an age in my 30s or so where I have done everything I want to do, travelled all of the places I wanted to go, and live the life I want to where I can see myself giving everything up to have a child. It will be my last act of selfishness and indulgence which I will repay with selflessness for the rest of my life. And this selflessness will not habor resentment because I will repay my decision to have a child by pouring into that child all of the happiness and contentment I have created for myself so that I can share my beautiful life with another individual, so that I can pour from a place of wholeness by giving them my life experiences as a teacher. I can see myself feeling so fulfilled and content with my life to where I will want to share that overflow with another person.

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I'm also content with the idea of not being a mother in this life. To me, dying single or child free is not the worst scenario. I know I can still live a full and beautiful life without getting married or having kids. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't have a desparation to get married or have a kid. If it's not in the cards for me, I'm willing to accept that. And especially when it comes to being a mother, I want to either raise them in a good circumstance and be a phenomenonal mother, or not have a kid at all. If I'm going to be a mother, I'm not going to mediocre one.

Edited February 22 by soos_mite_ah

soos_mite_ah · February 22

My Concerns with Motherhood (2026 Edition):

I feel like I have less of an antagonistic view of motherhood as I have been growing into adulthood. I’ve never been averse to responsibility, but I do see myself as more capable as I get older. But nevertheless, I have come concerns:

Money: The world and cost of living wasn’t what it was when I was growing up. And while I think I can fare considerably better in a dual income scenario, I’m still worried about work life balance and the cost over time. I know money isn’t everything. I don’t think I need to have a $500k salary and own a house to give my kid a good life but I don’t want to give them the trauma of poverty and I don’t want to give them a bare minimum childhood either. I also think about saving money for the kid’s college or any other goal they may have.

Disability: I feel like I could adapt to a situation like this and that a little risk is always there (like for example if I have a healthy child, they could still get into a car crash and deal with permanent disability). But, it is scary to think about.

Pregnancy and Post-Partum: That still sounds like some sci- fi shit right there.

What if I have a screamer?: I feel like I can deal with most types of toddlers. Hell, I can deal with toddler tantrums especially given my customer service background lol. But a screamer, there is very little reasoning with them. I also think about this one time I was at yoga and while finishing up my class, I overheard a lady talking to another lady in the bathroom. This lady sounded very distraught and was like “I am dreading going home because my toddler is in this phase where they are constantly screaming. This yoga class is the only time in the day where I get silence.” The other lady was trying to reassure her and say it isn’t forever and that she will get through it. But that interaction is basically my mental birth control if I’m perfectly honest. Hell, even when it comes to dogs, I don't want a husky because of how loud they whine.

The baby and toddler years: Honestly, the first 3-4 years sounds like hell. I’m sure there are some very beautiful, precious moments from that stage from the first steps, the first words, etc. But I feel like I would be too overwhelmed with everything else to fully take in those moments.

Other people’s feral children: I wrote about this in a previous post but I feel like I have intensified my views since AI became more mainstream.

soos_mite_ah · February 22

Decentering Motherhood

I moved in with my boyfriend recently into a more walkable neighborhood and I think the walkability aspect really caused me to re-envision what motherhood can look like. Sometimes I wonder if it's not motherhood I have a problem with rather it's motherhood in suburbia specifically. I think especially with the notion of the American dream, people are served this vision of the nuclear family who owns a home in the suburbs with a giant backyard. I was also exposed to a different way of raising kids in other environments since I would spend time with my family in India growing up and I also had family in Dubai. Out of all my cousins, I'm pretty much the only one who grew up in the classic American suburb kind of way. The rest of them grew up in apartments in the city.

I think one of the good parts of being raised in an apartment in a walkable area of sorts is how it promotes a sense of independence in kids. I have fond memories of being a kid where my cousins and I would go down stairs to the corner store to buy some chips and play with the other neighborhood kids. I remember the youngest age I did that without adult supervision was when I was 6. I was with my 9 year old cousin and his brother, my 3 year old cousin at the time and I remember my older cousin was essentially in charge. The 3 year old would be running around and on the verge of throwing a tantrum and we had to keep him in check. I'm sure that store clerk knew who we were and hated to see us coming lmao. Looking back, I think it was also nice how from the hours of 2 pm to 6 pm we were essentially out and in the apartment complex playing with other kids downstairs not only for our social development but also that gave our parents a break as well. And as I grew older into my teen years, I remember thinking my cousins were further along in terms of feeling confident socially even though I was roughly around the same age as them because they did have that greater independence to go around wherever via public transport to hang out with their friends and go to school by themselves while I was kind of cooped up at home because I couldn't drive. That social gap has since lessened as I became an adult so it's not a death sentence but I did note on how our environments shaped us. I also remember one time my cousin telling me a story about how when he used to go and travel around Europe, occasionally he would meet some teenager in their later teen years just casually travelling around their home country. And they can do that because of public transport. In the U.S, they would have to worry about the complications of renting cars and I'm pretty sure that's straight up not allowed if you're a minor.

I cannot see myself as a minivan mom. I don't want to rearrange my entire schedule around my kid, their extra curriculars, and their social lives. After a certain age (like age 10), I want them to just be able to take public transport and do what they need to do. I think a kid having a sense of independence and having their own life is good for their development. Also, I wrote about this in my previous post but I think it's important to not have your entire life revolve around your kids, both for your own sake and their sake. I think allowing them to be bored is good to help them self regulate and I think having them tag along your life rather than you rearranging your life for them teaches them to not be entitled plus how to navigate non-kid spaces after a certain age.

I also mentioned that I think after having a kid, contrary to popular belief, it's even more important to mantain your friendships, community, and hobbies. It helps your kid have a more well rounded view of adulthood. It models a good life style for them. It helps them get socialized and have other adults they can look to. And it helps them explore their interests. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to structured activities for kids. But, as a child of Asian parents who were obsessed with having their kids go to Ivy league schools, I don't think that overscheduling them with extracurriculars is the model in which to cultivate their interests. I, thankfully, didn't get the absolute extreme of this parenting style, unlike some of my peers, mainly because I grew up in a poorer area in Dallas county that didn't have as many after school activities for kids and my dad was not open to driving me an hour one way just for piano lessons for example. But I still got to explore interests by learning to be curious about my surroundings and by getting exposed to some of my parents' hobbies as well.

Finally, I don't want to show my kid that being a mother is all that I am. I want them to view me as a full person. I know that's not going to be the case for the first 10 years since that's typical for their ego development at that age but I don't want the overall narrative of their childhood to be *mom was exhausted and all she had going on in her life was things that pertained to the home and family.* I think a large part will also have to do with the partner I choose so that all the work load doesn't fall on me and so that taking care of the household and kids doesn't seem like a gendered activity. I also don't want them to think regardless of gender that to be a woman is to sacrifice everything about yourself for the sake of other people. I want them to see that I'm taking care of myself and that I'm being taken care of in the context of an equal partnership where my spouse and I take care of one another.

I think what it means to decenter motherhood is similar to the notion of decentering men/ romance. It doesn't mean that you can't date or be in a relationship with a man, rather it means that your relationship status, sense of validation, and overall life doesn't revolve around men, their opinions and perceptions, or any other romantic pursuits and milestones. Similarly, decentering motherhood doesn't mean that I cannot be a mother rather it means that I don't want it to totally dictate my sense of self, the way I structure my life and time, and that I'm not going to have my child be the deciding factor on every little thing I do. Is being a mother something that is a huge part of someone's life especially in the first few years? Yes. But just because it's a large part of someone's life, it doesn't mean it has to be the center and you have to neglect literally everything else. Similarly, my significant other is a large part of my life but I'm not having him tag along every time I hang out with friends, I'm not constantly bringing him up in conversations, and I have a life outside of him and the relationship.

soos_mite_ah · February 22

soos_mite_ah · February 24

Some of the comments resonated with me:

"I don't think my Mom hates me but I don't think she likes me much. She is deeply disappointed that I'm not the person she built up in her head and that I didn't follow the life plan she wanted me too. She's also completely uninterested in my hobbies and won't even at least feign interest."

"I once read someone say that they thought their mother loved them but didn’t like them. I thought about it a lot. Definitely my mother doesn’t like me and never did. She criticised my looks, my personality, my lack of friends, but also the choice of the few friends I had, my temperament, my interests, my body, the amount of food I ate, my effectiveness as a child, the way I thought, my fears, my sensitivities, my worries... She truly was my first bully. I came to see how little self-worth she had herself, and how her life and upbringing probably scarred her. However, I can’t bring myself to feel empathy for her. I don’t know if I ever can, if I’ll ever be healed enough to give her some grace. To this day, she still belittles me. Demands. Compares. Crosses boundaries. I just told her to her face: I hate you. I carry so much rage and so much shame. I am so scared of people because how can I trust anyone when the one person who’s supposed to love you more than anything grinned when she saw you hurt by her doing? She made my life miserable because she was miserable. She made me feel small because she felt small. She humiliated me because she thought it was funny. She was cruel because she could. I honestly don’t think that she even loves me."

"I think the main problem is see is treating a child like an extension of themselves. Therefore , anything the child does that doesn't match what the parents expect is immediately seen as threat / problem."

"I think parenthood opens people's eyes to how limited their empathy is. Instead of learning and growing some turn to apathy and hatred for their own children. Lots of it is trauma, identity issues, and emotional immaturity (low empathy)."

soos_mite_ah · March 1

soos_mite_ah · April 6

How Badly Do I Want To Be A Parent

I want to have a pet raccoon. But if I think about it just a little bit, I know it's not the best decision for me. For example, I might like raccoons and think they are adorable but having one would mean that I will have to be a homeowner because no apartment complex or rental house will accept a raccoon. I have a lot of thoughts on homeownership and how it isn't for me. I will have to get extra vaccines and liscences that I won't have to with other pets. And it will probably rearrange how I can spend my days because I cannot leave it alone for too long. And honestly, I don't want to go through all that for the sake of having a raccoon. So yes, I want a raccoon, but I don't want it badly enough to justify getting a pet raccoon.

I'm using a similar thought experiment when it comes to me having a child. Here are a few questions I'm asking myself:

Do I want to go through the body horror that is preganancy, labor, and post partum?
Do I want to go through my life being a living hell for 3-4 years with the baby and toddler phase with poor sleep, diaper changes, potty training etc.?
Am I willing to deal with a screamer?
What if the kid has special needs?
Am I willing to rearrange my financial priorities and have a significant money saved up for birth, the baby years, college tuition etc ?
Am I willing to be fully committed to this child's education and sit with them for homework every night, read to them every night, and push back against the craziness of the American education system?
Do I want to raise a kid in an environment with AI dependence and feral kids who don't touch grass?
Am I willing to have difficult conversations with them about drugs, sex, difficult family structures, things they see on the media, poverty, as well as other horrors of the world in an age appropriate way instead of just lying to them?
What if your teenager has totally different values to you religiously, politically, etc. ?
What if your child doesn't excel in school?
What if your child grows into someone you didn't expect at all?
What if you don't like your child and clash with them on a personality level?
What if your child is a serial killer?
What if your child sexually assaults someone?
What if your child is sexually assaulted?
Are you willing to deal with the manosphere and how that can influence your son?
How are you planning on addressing the typical ways that boys are raised?
What if your child gets into an abusive relationship?
What if your child is gay or trans?
How are you planning on dealing with gender roles in your household and relationship?
How are you planning on disciplining them?
What kind of environment would you like to raise your kid and are you willing to make the necessary lifestyle changes?
How are you planning on handling extracurricular activities?
How are you going to approach extended family?
Am I willing to show up and be a parent when my world crashes down (death, divorce, mental health struggles, financial struggles, etc.)?
Am I willing to be a parent even with climate change, political and economic instability, school shootings, the american health care system being a mess etc?
Are you willing to sacrifice your current relationship?
Are you willing to sacrifice travel for a few years?
Are you willing to sacrifice your current standard of living financially speaking?
Are you willing to sacrifice your free time?
Are you willing to sacrifice sitting in silence?

soos_mite_ah · June 1

On 4/5/2026 at 10:04 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

How Badly Do I Want To Be A Parent

I want to have a pet raccoon. But if I think about it just a little bit, I know it's not the best decision for me. For example, I might like raccoons and think they are adorable but having one would mean that I will have to be a homeowner because no apartment complex or rental house will accept a raccoon. I have a lot of thoughts on homeownership and how it isn't for me. I will have to get extra vaccines and liscences that I won't have to with other pets. And it will probably rearrange how I can spend my days because I cannot leave it alone for too long. And honestly, I don't want to go through all that for the sake of having a raccoon. So yes, I want a raccoon, but I don't want it badly enough to justify getting a pet raccoon.

I'm using a similar thought experiment when it comes to me having a child. Here are a few questions I'm asking myself:

Do I want to go through the body horror that is preganancy, labor, and post partum? I think I can handle it provided that I have spent time preparing physically by taking care of my health and physical fitness to meet the demands of a physical trauma like this.

Do I want to go through my life being a living hell for 3-4 years with the baby and toddler phase with poor sleep, diaper changes, potty training etc.? In theory, I can see this as being something worth while. 3-4 years of hell for a life time of a parent-child bond doesn't seem bad. I also don't think it will be 100% hell and that there are ways I can make this easier on myself by preparing, that there will be some beautiful moments that will come out of it, and that even with the gruelling experience, that I can construct a sense of meaning from this.

Am I willing to deal with a screamer? It will be hard but I think I can adjust and handle this. Luckily, this won't be a forever situation.

What if the kid has special needs? I can handle this.

Am I willing to rearrange my financial priorities and have a significant money saved up for birth, the baby years, college tuition etc ? Yes

Am I willing to be fully committed to this child's education and sit with them for homework every night, read to them every night, and push back against the craziness of the American education system? Gonna be honest, this freaks me out and keeps me up at night. I can see myself investing in my kid's education and working with them daily. But I don't know to what extent I can push back systemically.

Do I want to raise a kid in an environment with AI dependence and feral kids who don't touch grass? This also freaks me out. I have confidence in my parenting skills but not the parenting skills of the people around me.

Am I willing to have difficult conversations with them about drugs, sex, difficult family structures, things they see on the media, poverty, as well as other horrors of the world in an age appropriate way instead of just lying to them? Yes. In fact, this is something I look forward to regarding being a guide in having to deal with difficult things.

What if your teenager has totally different values to you religiously, politically, etc. ? I think in general I'm good at getting along with a variety of different people. That said, I think it would be challenging if my kid some how turned out to be a Nazi or conspiracy theorist but I think that's where stressing an education and raising them with good values comes in because kids don't typically become a Nazi or conspiracy theorist in a vacuum.

What if your child doesn't excel in school? I don't expect them to perfectly excel at school but I do want to instill a good work ethic, solid study and time management skills, a sense of curiousity with the world, and an intrinsic sense of motivation rather than them getting straight As. I want them to focus on the process of learning and working hard at something to challenge themselves, not the product being straight As, acceptance to a prestigious university, accolades, etc.

What if your child grows into someone you didn't expect at all? I guess that calls into what my expectations are in the first place. I feel like I'm pretty open ended where I'm not trying to raise a mini me or that I expect them to adhere to a certain religion, aesthetic, life style etc. I guess I expect them to be a semi decent human being who has empathy towards the people around them, basic critical thinking skills, and age appropriate ways of making decisions. And I think all of those things can be cultivated and/or are inherent to most people unless something goes seriously wrong in their upbringing (i.e. unstable house holds, drugs abuse etc.)

What if you don't like your child and clash with them on a personality level? I think in general, I'm pretty good at meshing with a wide varity of people well and I think that I have some solid conflict resolution skills that can help us navigate issues as they come up.

What if your child is a serial killer? This is a fear but I don't think it's a super realistic fear tbh.

What if your child sexually assaults someone? I think that would really impact my relationship with them and that I would be deeply disapponted and I would wonder where I went wrong as a parent. But, I do have a plan in the way I'm planning on educating my kid about consent from a young age so that something like this is much less likely to happen.

What if your child is sexually assaulted? I would be deeply hurt for them and I would want them to get help in whatever form they may need (therapy, a person to talk to etc.). I do also intend to educate them from a young age regarding consent and sex so that they know when harm is being done to them to lessen the likelihood of internalizing the event or victim blaming themselves.

Are you willing to deal with the manosphere and how that can influence your son? I think this is where having a very solid father figure and a number of female influences comes into play.

How are you planning on addressing the typical ways that boys are raised? This is something that concerns me and I think again, having a solid father figure will be crucial.

What if your child gets into an abusive relationship? I know things can happen outside my control and I think I would deal with it in the same way I'm dealing with it when it comes to friends. But, when it comes to my kid specifically, I want to model what a healthy form of love looks like in the family and refrain from practices that would increase the liklihood of such a thing from happening (i.e. don't spank the kid, show that you know how to apologize + teach them how to apologize, model how to communicate without using toxic or abusive language etc.)

What if your child is gay or trans? I want to know that they would always be accepted in our family and I hope that in the future that coming out is a thing of the past so that they never feel like they ever had to hide a part of themselves like that in their family.

How are you planning on dealing with gender roles in your household and relationship? I think I have a solid way of having equity in the household in terms of household labor and I want to have conversations with the kid on how to approach such topics from an introspective place. I also want to make sure they have all life skills (cooking, cleaning, taxes) regardless of gender.

How are you planning on disciplining them? I want to various tecniques on gentle parenting and I'm willing to take classes on this.

What kind of environment would you like to raise your kid and are you willing to make the necessary lifestyle changes? I want to raise them in a walkable city and in a solid sense of community. I want them to be around diversity and for them to have a solid education. And yes, I'm willing to make lifestyle choices in alignment with that.

How are you planning on handling extracurricular activities? I don't think I want them to always be booked and busy. I would want them to naturally engage with their surroundings and cultivate a sense of curiousity the way that I was able to.

How are you going to approach extended family? I want them to have contact with their grandparents (my parents) within reason. I don't want them to constantly be in our lives given their history with parenting.

Am I willing to show up and be a parent when my world crashes down (death, divorce, mental health struggles, financial struggles, etc.)? I think this is one of those situations where I don't know exactly how I would react. I would imagine that as I get older, my ability to handle such things emotionally will increase and so will my ability to keep up with parental responsibilities. I can already see the difference between how I handle depression now versus when I was 16/17 years old. Plus, I think being a parent would also give me an additional dose of motivation to hold things together for my kid.

Am I willing to be a parent even with climate change, political and economic instability, school shootings, the american health care system being a mess etc? My answer to this question is similar to the previous one. I would also elaborate and say that while I cannot gurantee a good future for my kid, I can give them a good past and a good foundation to handle difficult situations they may encounter in life.

Are you willing to sacrifice your current relationship? I don't know.

Are you willing to sacrifice travel for a few years? Yes.

Are you willing to sacrifice your current standard of living financially speaking? To a certain extent. I think in general I tend to live a pretty spartan life style and I have a good amount of wiggle room with finances to accommodate such a responsibility. I think I would need to delve into the calculations of such a decision more deeply when it comes time to start planning for a family but I do think given my career and finances at this time that it is doable.

Are you willing to sacrifice your free time? I'm still contemplating.

Are you willing to sacrifice sitting in silence? I think there will be some years that are louder than others lol but I think parenthood would be a lot quieter and a lot more manageable in a situation of having one kid as oppossed to having more than one kid.

These are some of my basic reflections on the following questions. I think the parts that are bolded are the questions I find myself stuck on as I continue contemplating this.

Edited June 1 by soos_mite_ah

soos_mite_ah · June 2

Things I Would Have To Do Prior To Becoming A Parent

Financially get things in order: While I'm in a stable place financially as a single person who is only responsible with providing for herself, I will need to do some extra work to financially plan to become a parent.

Work with a financial advisor to plan out long term savings like college.
Get life insurance and a HSA
invest as much as I can in my 401k before having a kid to create a buffer for when I decide to have a kid
save a shit ton of money for the first few years (diapers, health care costs, car seats, nursery etc.)

Take some parenting classes

Get up to date information on how you should care for babies and toddlers safely (because I stg babies can be very delicate and I don't want the thing to die on me because they laid down weird).
Take classes on how to discipline your kids effectively: I feel like I know how to discipline kids in theory but I don't have much practice in it.
Read a few parenting books on what is and isn't developmentally appropriate over the years : From the child's perspective, I think I encountered a lot of things in my life that was not developmentally appropriate that caused me at times to be too mature for my age, unable to connect to my peers, and miss out on being a young person or in the reverse, caused me to be stunted at times. From the parent's perspective, I think it would be good to know what is and isn't developmentally appropriate so I'm not getting frustrated as easily with the kid's behavior or I'm not internalizing it.

Work through my own personal issues

Get to a point where you can self regulate and meet your adult responsibilities like 90% of the time no matter what is going on.
Deal with my inner critic
Continue going to therapy

Rearrange the architecture of my life

Get a job in my desired industry
Move to a walkable city
Find a partner worth reproducing with
Have more close friends / community so you have a degree of social support

Edited June 2 by soos_mite_ah

soos_mite_ah · June 2

Unconditionally Wanting Parenthood

I think a lot of people think about the topic about whether or not they will unconditionally love their child when trying to decide whether or not they want to have a child. I do think that is a worthy question to think about but I also think that another question that needs to be asked more is whether or not you unconditionally want to be a parent. I think when it comes to talking about choosing to reproduce, even in our language we default to the phrase "have a kid" rather than "be a parent." I even try to moderate the phrasing in my journal as well because I think it's easy to have a kid, hell for some people it happens accidentally, but not everyone who has a kid is a parent, much less a good parent. I also think about all the regretful parents posts that talk about how they love their kid but they hate motherhood and if they could go back in time, this would not be the path they would have chosen. But at the same time, since the kid is already her and they love their kid, it's not like they wish any harm on the kid.

I think there is healthy and unhealthy forms of unconditionally wanting parenthood. I think the unhealthy form is wanting to have the kid even if you're in a terrible circumstance that would compromise how you would show up to be a parent. I don't think it's a good idea in most cases to have a kid when you're in your teens and early 20s, in the middle of a messy relationship, dealing with addiction issues, dealing with the aftermath of rape, in poverty etc. And I have many reasons why I think it's important for women to have bodily autonomy and choose whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. A lot of people who have had abortions don't fall into the childfree by choice category. In many cases, they can recognize that even though they want to be a parent, they don't want to be a parent under these circumstances. I think I also saw a statistic that 95% of people who have had an abortion when asked about it 5 years later, they either have no feelings towards the situation or they have positive feelings associated with the fact that it was a good decision at the time. However, there are people who see tumultuous life circumstances and still prioritize their selfish desire to have a child. And I think that's wrong and unhealthy. At the same time, I guess you can also argue that often times, this subset of people are operating under the lens of having a kid as opposed to wanting to be a parent.

The healthy form of unconditionally wanting to be a parent is deciding that you want to be a parent regardless of what is happening in your personal life or broader society. You want to have a kid regardless of whether you have a community or not. Sure, a community would be helpful and may be preferred, but you would still want to have the kid even if you're going through a season of not having friends for example. You would want to be a parent regardless of financial circumstances. Definitely it's best to save and have some kind of planning, but even if you prepare, there is still a chance that you may go through some kind of financial hardship over the course of 20 years. It's deciding you still want to show up and be a parent even after your parents and family pass away. It's deciding you still want to be a parent even if a war erupts and you have to protect your family. It's deciding you want to be a parent even if your spouse suddenly passes away and you have to raise the kid yourself with little to no help.

I have mentioned in a previous post that I would only want to have a kid under specific circumstances. I have also talked in the post right before this one the type of preparation I would ideally want to have in place before giving birth.

So I know I'm not in the category of unconditionally wanting to be a parent in the unhealthy sense. But even though I'm going through a phase where I want to have a child, I wonder to what extent it's conditional. My whole deal with my decision to have a kid is rooted in having informed consent with myself. I think basic consent comes from allowing yourself to have a choice on whether or not you want to bring life into this world and seeing being childfree as an option. I can't say that the previous generations of women in my family really had that choice. But I want to move beyond basic consent to informed consent. I'm doing this by weighing each factor of what it takes to raise a kid well into consideration and seeing what I do and don't want to do in terms of putting in effort through the introspective process.

I will admit, part of the reason why this feels like a difficult decision is because while I have good reasons to stay with my current partner and be child free for the rest of my life or break up with my partner and pursue the path of having a kid one day, I also have some fear based thinking on both sides. It's weird saying this for me since I grew up as an introverted only child who is comfortable doing things by herself, but I think there is a part of me that is afraid of being completely alone. I think learning to be alone is one thing and learning to be alone in adulthood is another given how much the landscape of socialization changes after you exit the school environment. One thing that I'm contemplating is to what extent I would want to have a kid if I already had a community for myself. I don't have much of a community at this time and I think that incentivizes me hanging on to my current partner and it also makes me think that having a kid can be a way that I can gain a sense of community later on when the kid starts going to school and starts making friends. I wonder if I already had a sense of community, would that make me want to have a kid more or less? It could make me want to have a kid more because I have more to give to the kid. Or it could make me want the kids less since I have different forms of connection in my life and I'm not as attached to the motherhood route. I think the former on having a community and wanting to be a parent more would be an indication of wanting to be a parent unconditionally because I already know that there is a spark of desire to have a kid even when there is no community.

As for money, I think I would want to have a kid regardless of my financial status. I think I have enough of a cushion built up monetarily and careerwise to where I can withstand difficult situations and that I can recover. Ideally, I wouldn't want financial issues in the first 4 years of being a parent but I think after that, I would be able to withstand most things.

As for other poltical / sociological issues going on that's out of my control, I think I would prefer to not have a kid during the 2020s (I mean I wasn't planning on having a kid in my 20s period) but especially during these chaotic times. If I was 36 right now, I think I would have a different take where I would have more pressure to have a kid if I really wanted to amidst these chaotic political times since I wouldn't have the biological luxury of waiting it out. But since I'm 26, I think I have about 7-10 years to wait out this period of chaos to see if things will get better and if I could give birth in better circumstances. I think there are some things that I'm apprehensive about like climate change, AI, the crumbling public education system, expensive health care, school shootings, etc. Sometimes I wonder if bringing life into this world is ethical, because low key, I don't want to be here either. I don't mean this in a depressive, I want to eject myself from existance way, but in a *girl, I didn't consent to being alive and try to live laugh love in this situation.* Like, despite everything going on, I still am finding ways to find joy and see life as worth living. But it's more of a *hey, since I'm here, I'm trying to make the most of it* kind of way rather than I think life is inherently worth living for.

As a result, I think my desire to have a kid, even if it's a temporary phase, during these chaotic times, is a sign of hope because I can sense some things getting better. Maybe not 5 years from now. I don't have faith in the short term future. But maybe 20+ years from now we'll be in a better place. I wrote about the timing of deciding to be a parent in a previous post:

On 9/19/2023 at 8:17 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I was talking to a friend about this who is about to get married. She's about 4 years older than me. She told me something along the lines of this:

"You never know what the future is going to look like in 20 ish years. Sure things are awful now, but a lot of things can improve in time. Just think, you and I were born in the 90s. The economy was great, the Cold War ended, 9/11 had not occured yet, and people were dubbing this as the end of history. If you go by your logic now, the 90s would have been a good time to have kids. But do you think our parents could have predicted the kind of world we would have stepped into in our adulthood and the chaos that we have to deal with to where in some cases it's hard to get up on our feet due to student loans, shitty house prices and wages not keeping up with inflation? No, and similarly, we don't know what kind of world our children will step into and sure things are rough now and it feels like it's not going to end based on prior experiences in recent times, but things don't move in an even tragectory."

But I also wonder, would I still want to be a parent if there was no gurantee whatsoever that things will improve for me or my kid even if I did have hope. That's where the unconditionality aspect of the question comes back in.

Edited June 3 by soos_mite_ah

soos_mite_ah · June 5

Breasts and Eggs

I remember seeing a post a while back on the childfree side of the internet hyping up the book Breasts and Eggs. It's been in my Amazon cart for while and I finally decided to buy it and read it given that I have extra time on my hands and I'm grappling with my own complicated thoughts about motherhood. I remember the post that recommended Breats and Eggs said that it might not give you the answers on whether or not you should have a child but it will make you think and question. I thought this was the perfect book for me given that description because of my own ambiguous stance on whether or not I should have a kid. And I do agree with that assessment of the book, that it doesn't lecture you or spoon feeds a narrative and is instead more exploratory around the subject of womanhood as a whole. The first section, Breasts, talks about plastic surgery, the changes a woman's body goes through, and how that is viewed in society and how women view themselves. The second section, Eggs, is about the main character, Nasuko who is a writer in her mid-late thirties looking into options on getting pregnant without being in a romantic relationship. This section talks about artificial insemination, how people concieved through artificial insemination view the proceedure, the ethics of having a kid, and more. I'm mainly going to focus on the second part as that relates to the purposes of this journal.

I feel like as a reader, I went in hoping this book will aid in my introspection around the topic of whether or not I should be a parent. I will say, I went into this book with an agenda in mind. I do like how the book handled various topics around existentialism, choice, consent, poverty and socioeconomic status, gender poltics in Japan, family structures, various forms of conception, and the various life choices the women in this book have made and the relationships they have with their bodies. Again, very exploratory and very well executed.

At the same time, I go back to the original social media post that recommended me this book and how it said that it will compell you to ask questions and get you thinking. I don't think this book really had me thinking about questions I hadn't thought of before. In that way, it didn't feel like it added anything new to my stances or thinking processes around becoming a parent. It didn't feel as thought provoking to me because my head already had thoughts provoked lol. As a result, the book fell flat to me, not because of the contents of the book or how it was written, but because of how I as the reader came in with an agenda and in some ways I felt like the agenda wasn't fulfilled.

That said, I still quite enjoyed this book. I enjoyed being able to connect to each of the characters and their experiences. In a way, I felt less alone in reading this book through the ambiguity of the main character around her reproductive choices. Sure, the main character is ambiguous on her thought of becoming a parent due to different reasons and is in a very different position from me, but I feel like it's nice having some degree of representation for people in the ambiguous place. I find it lonely having my own existential crisis around whether or not I should have a child. I feel like the vast majority of the people in my life are firmly decided on *yes they do want to one day be a parent and have like 3+ kids* or *no never in a million years do they want to produce a crotch goblin.* I can only think of one person in my life who is undecided and another person in my life who is sure they want to be a parent one day but is incredibly apprehensive. I also feel like this is one of those topics that becomes less and less appropriate to ask about as you get older. I feel like in your early 20s, it's still a weird question to ask but people are still in a more exploratory phase in their lives. But as you move in to your mid 20s (at least in Texas), a lot of people have either settled down or have their minds made up on what settling down looks life for them. As a result, once exploratory questions of whether or not you want to have kids can turn rather invasive and interrogative due to the personal nature of the topic at hand.

I also feel like this notion that it's rude to ask people why they want to have kids also plays into the normalization of having kids and how being childfree is considered to be an aberration. It's not weird to ask people why they didn't have kids but it is weird to ask why people chose to have kids? Double standard much? I believe since we have our hang ups on asking other people why they want to have kids interpersonally, that also bleeds into the intrapersonal sphere where a lot of people don't ask themselves why they want to have kids or interrogate the answers that come up. I think it's getting better over time as more people are seeing being childfree as a legitmate lifestyle and not as a punchline about a sad old woman who will die alone with cats. But I still feel the stigma, not in the decision itself, but in the process of arriving to the decision. I remember seeing posts about how if you have doubts on having kids, don't have them because it means you don't truly want them. While I can see how this can be true for some (like don't have a kid from a half-assed desire), I can see on how being 100% sure isn't the best barometer. There are plenty of people who were 100% sure they want to be a parent but they realized they didn't think things through, or they ended up being horrible parents, or the realized that it was way harder than what they anticipated. I feel like my doubts and questions about parenthood isn't rooted in a half assed desire rather it's about wanting to carefully consider a complex decision through comprehensive introspection. I don't treat bringing life into the world lightly and I fear that a substantial number of people treat reproduction way too casually for my liking.

Part of the reason why I like the child free community is because while they might not have the answers I'm seeking, they're at least asking the right questions. On the other corner, you have the pro reproduction side of things that can range any where from people being on autopilot, religious people and conservatives trying to convince you that your purpose as a woman is to pop out a soccer team of kids, and some people that overly idealize parenthood whether it is intentional or unintentional. In the way that the child free community encourages exploration and in the way that I feel isolated in my own exploratory process, I believe that Breasts and Eggs provided a solace for me and honors that exploration.

soos_mite_ah · June 5

"You Would Be An Amazing Mother"

I hate when people say this to me.

I know people mean well when they say it and it's usually in response to how deeply I'm thinking about this subject or it's a compliment based on basic character traits they know about me. But I hate it. I feel like people who utter this phrase often have no clue what they are talking about. I'm pretty sure people said the same thing to my mother. And let's just say, without going into detail of the trauma that I had to sort out in years of therapy, that my mom wasn't a good parent. I also know that throughout the years, people have told my mom that she's worked so hard at being a mom and that she's doing such a great job, while they are completely left in the dark on the abuses that occur behind closed doors.

In my opinion, we put motherhood on a pedestal. We see mothers as saints while at the same time scrutinize their every move. I think that's the nature of pedestaling anyone. We see them as highly but that same distance causes us to dehumanize them. We think mothers always know best and that they are always self sacrificial. That narrative doesn't make room for toxic or abusive mothers. People already have a narrative that women cannot be abusers and often times, male victims of abuse at the hands of a woman are often discredited and disbelieved. People already have a narrative that men kind of suck so if you talk about how your dad sucked, it's pretty believable. At the same time, because people have the narrative that men suck, the moment that a man does the bare minimum as a parent like changing a diaper or "baby sitting" their kid, they are seen as exemplary. But on the flip side, if you tell people that your mom sucked, they don't believe you, they often think you're being too harsh on her, and they think you should just forgive and make amends. And yes, there is something to be said that women are put under so much pressure and scrutiny that to be considered an amazing mother is a tall order and that even being a decent mom is a feat. So you don't want to double down on that pressure and you can also empathize with the systemic issues you own mom dealt with. But, that doesn't erase mistreatment. And I think that's why the phrase "as a woman I understand but as your daughter that hurt" rings true. I also think this is why there is the sentiment of how daddy issues make a person angry but then mommy issues make people into psychologists lol.

And whose to say that the same thing won't happen with me where everyone says I'll be a good parent but then I fail miserably? Sure, I'm in therapy and I think I have dramatically different life circumstances and mindsets compared to my mom, but whose to say I won't find a different way to fuck up my kid while everyone outside my household goes on to say how much of a great parent I am? The only person whose opinion on my parenting I care about is of my own hypothetical kid... when they are 25 years or older. I don't care about what my hypothetical kid thinks of me when they are 10 years old throwing a tantrum or 15 years old and pushing my boundaries. I care about what they think once they are old enough to properly reflect on their childhood and discern good and bad parenting.

soos_mite_ah · June 9

soos_mite_ah · Wednesday at 10:16 PM

Rumination

I feel like since moving in with my boyfriend, I have been thinking of my reproductive choices on a daily basis. I feel like part of it is developmentally normal since I'm at the age when people usually start thinking of stuff like this and because my new living situation is causing me to rethink things. But I wonder to what extent I'm just thinking in circles and not getting anywhere because I'm hyperfixated on this topic. I think maybe I need to step away to get a better idea of what I actually want and how I feel about this matter so that I'm not in this mental / intellectual mode where I'm just dissecting and analyzing the topic to death.

I think me being on leave is giving me the space to think about this. Which is good. But I also think that some days I'm waay too in my head to where I just end up annoying myself. That's how I felt yesterday. Today, I decided to force myself out of the house, do a long workout, go to lunch at a restaurant, and chill in a coffee shop for a little bit. I feel a bit refreshed but my mind still feels preoccupied with this matter.

I can come up with some reasons (and potential reasons) as why this particular topic feels particularly pressing. I guess I'm just going to reflect on that here:

My living situation: The choice to live with my boyfriend around the 3.5 year mark feels like a trial run for marriage. I'm also in a much better financial situation than I was in my early 20s and I'm in a walkable area. I have a good partner (more on that later). So logistically, me having a child right now, though it would be chaotic, won't be an absolute train wreck if we're looking at pure logistics. But, my partner is firmly childfree and me chosing to one day be a parent would mean the end of the relationship. So emotionally, it would be a train wreck lol.
I have a great partner: Though he is firmly child free, I feel like our relationship is incredibly healthy. And living together made me realize that family doesn't have to be this scary, complicated thing that I witnessed growing up. That home can be a place where you are happy and at peace. And I feel like that feeling caused me to think *what if I brought a child into a situation like this?* But on the flip side, since I know if I decide ot have a kid I won't be able to have it with my current partner, all of these little moments and milestones of us getting closer and becoming closer to each other's families feel tainted. I basically feel like this meme:
Developmental milestones: I think it's typical to be thinking of what settling down looks like for you in your late 20s and what you want from your life long term. And I think reproductive choices can be a big piece of that puzzle for how your life is structured, what your values are, and what kind of partner you can have.
I'm not doing so hot in terms of friendships and community: This is me brainstorming but I wonder to what extent I would be hyperfixated on this topic or how this would impact my desire to be a parent if I had a more robust social life.
- There is a part of me that would be content with being an active aunt to one of my friend's kids but I don't know to what extent that would be possible considering I'm lucky if I get to hear from my friends every couple months or so. And I don't have any siblings to becoming an actual aunt is out of question. And I think I get a lot of fulfillment in life out of human relationships in general so I wonder if having more friends who are actively in my life would decrease this desire to be a parent since my need for human relationships is being fufilled in different ways. And I think especially if you live in a suburban area that emphasizes the nuclear family a lot, it's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the only way you can have a community is through your kid as they interact with other children and go to school.
- On the other hand, I think me having a community might make my desire to be a parent more because I would have more social support. I feel a bit hesitant with being a parent right now because I would be pretty isolated which would make things harder. If I decide to be a parent, I want my kid to have a community and have other adults they can turn to in addition to their parents. I also want to model what friendship in adulthood looks like for my kid as well.
- I guess my other thing is that while I can see being childfree as a potentially fulfilling life path, I feel like that still has this assumption that I'm still going to have children in my life, just not biologically my own. Even when I was going through a phase where I wanted to be childfree in my personal life more than right now, I never wanted to live in a completely childfree world. And sometimes, it feels like the only gurantee I have with having kids in my life is if I have my own because I have seen so many horror stories about how the choice to have a kid causes a divide in friendships between parents and childfree adults. In theory, a lot of parents want to still be friends with their childfree peers to have that sense of community and support. But in practice, that's not how it always play out because parents relate to other parents more and have more things in common, causing alienation with their child free peers or the child free person is giving a disproportionate amount of effort in the relationship by showing up for parents when they need help or other parental milestones but the moment the childfree person has an issue or a milestone to celebrate, the parents are suddenly too overwhelmed to show up. Then there is the fact that a lot of people don't know how exactly parenthood will affect them where they think they will be able to manager all types of frienships and relationships but then once the kid is here, they go ghost, not because they don't care but because they don't have situation or skills to properly integrate their friendships to their new life style.
I'm kind of stagnant in my career and personal goals: I know that becoming a parent isn't the only way to achieve fulfillment in life. But I wonder to what extent I'm defaulting to parenthood due to the overall context of my life. I am getting promotions at work and making decent money but I'm not in a position to change jobs to my desired industry due to the chaos in the world right now. Even though I am achieving things and I'm not complacent (I'm trying to make the most of what I have at this point), I do feel like I'm at a standstill of sorts since I have a job and not a career. As for personal goals, I feel like my travel itch has disappeared to an extent. I don't to what extent is because I have travelled around a bit and I'm closer to the point of feeling satiated or if my depression is causing me to not want to put myself out there, thus leading me to hyperfixate on the parenthood question instead. While I'm not in the mood to travel right now, I wonder to what extent taking myself out of my current environment and routine will help me take my mind off this topic so that I can come back to it with a fresher set of eyes.

soos_mite_ah · Thursday at 04:03 PM

So Y'all Break Up... Now What?

I feel like I'm torn between chosing the love of my life and my future kid. One is a very established, happy, and fulfilling relationship. The other, is a hypothetical, a figment of my imagination. Part of me thinks that I should go with what's in front of me because it's solid and reliable. Another part of me wants to challenge myself and think bigger about my prospects in life outside of this relationship. After all, I don't believe in sacrificing my dreams for a MAN of all things. And typically when people think of giving up their dreams for a man, they imagine those corny Hallmark movies where the woman gives up her high power corporate job to go to small town, get married, and become a Christmas tree farmer. In my case, my "dream" is about being a parent and low key, I'm not 100% certain on whether or not this is my dream. But if it is, it wouldn't be right to give it up because of a man.

The hypothetical nature of this question is part of the challenge. There is a chance that I might not become a parent after breaking up with this person because I don't find a man worthy of reporducing with in time. There is a chance that years from now, I change my mind yet again and decide to not have a kid after all. And then, that means I threw away a perfectly good relationship for nothing. There is a chance that I do meet someone new and I do end up having a kid with them. But also... maybe it's because I'm still in this relationship.... it feels gross to even think about having a kid with someone who isn't my current partner. I love this man so much that the thought of having a kid with someone else makes me sick to my stomach.

Perhaps I would have a different view after I break up and mourn the relationship. But then I also think about the possibility of dating again and how rough the streets are. And maybe this has to do with the break up process and getting to a point of being able to date again in a healthy way. Like I feel that even if I get over the phase where I'm crying myself to sleep and I'm ready to move on, if I enter dating too quickly and get fucked over, I would just turn into The Joker. Like what do you mean I left the beauty and comfort of my relationship with X to get ghosted or cheated on by some fuckboy on Hinge?

But also, what if I get married to a guy in my late 30s or early 40s and I'm past the age of being able to have children but the guy has kids or teenagers of their own. Lowkey, pulling a Kamala Harris sounds like a dream. I'm not opposed to dating a guy who already has kids so long as he's not a dead beat and / or has a super messy relationship with their ex (because I have standards).

**Update: I wrote the post above yesterday and I forgot to hit Submit Reply. Also, I was reflecting on this a little more and not gonna lie, writing this out yesterday helped me ease off the pressure around this question. This is silly, but I thought the idea of my worst case scenario of me being in my late 30s early 40s, not having a kid because I didn't find someone in time, and having to go DILF hunting to be kind of a funny / amusing thought lol. I think this made this topic seem a little lighter.

soos_mite_ah · Thursday at 05:47 PM

Unconventional and Wacky Families

Given how funny the thought of DILF hunting in my late 30s / early 40s was, my mind went to other places in regards to other interesting families I have met over the years.

1. My Indian History Professor: My Indian history professor in college was a white lady who grew up in a trailer park. She got into Indian history because it was like an escape and rebellion from her conservative redneck family. She met her husband in college and got pregnant while she was doing her PhD. Her husband is half Indian, half white and grew up in the Hare Krishna cult and his South Asian half is from Fiji. The guy also has an interesting look. Despite being half white, he just looks straight up South Asian. He has a beard and waist length curly hair which kind of makes him look like one of those meditation gurus you see on TV but then he's like dressed casually and has two tattoo sleaves. He's a middle school music teacher. Those two have a kid who despite being only one quarter South Asian still looks fully South Asian. The kid is also transgender and travels around during the summer with his mom and was in my study abroad group. The kid is pretty tall and pretty mature / calm and as a result blended in with the college students despite being like 13. Anyways, pretty much the whole family seems pretty chill and self aware. They all also regularly go to therapy which I think contributes to that.

2. My best friend from the 5th grade: I had a friend in the 4th grade who was a product of teen pregnancy. Her parents had her when they were like 16 and had her younger brother a few years later. The dad was still in their lives and they had a co-parenting situation going on. He was a paramedic. I don't remember what exactly the mom did but I did remember at one time she was working in a restaurant temporarily. We were all going to a private school by the way and my friend was very smart and kind of a book worm. What was interesting was my friend's living situation. Her mom (let's just call her Jennifer) had a friend who also had two kids when she was young.

Jennifer for sure was straight and she tried dating other guys but after a while, she gave up and so did her friend. So as a result, Jennifer decided to move in with her friend and rent out a 4 bedroom house (this was the early 2000s and I am curious on how the finances worked in that household. The house hold consisted of Jennifer, her friend, and a total of 4 children. Jennifer had her own room. Her friend had her own room. My friend had her own room since she was the only girl and needed some privacy as she was going into her preteen years . And then the 3 little boys all shared a room. They were around 7-9 years old and were basically like the 3 stooges lol. Lowkey, moving in with a friend and coparenting with them to where both of your kids are kind of like siblings sounds like a vibe. I think Jennifer cooked with that one. The kids were also homeschooled after a while because the school district in our area was shit and I think after elementary school, they didn't have money for private school anymore. I also remember Jennifer really hating Fox News and not really liking religion all that much lol.

I also have a memory of going to that house for my friend's 11th birthday and playing with the other kids in the house as well as her homeschool friends. I remember us all playing Kirby Return to Dreamland on the Wii and us getting stuck on one of the levels so we just went up to her mom and we were like "Miss Jennifer, we're stuck on this level, can you help us?" And then she played on the Wii with us for a while. In a lot of ways, she was like the fun mom. Now that I'm 26, I found myself thinking about Jennifer and how I'm like her age now. Like she was probably 26-27 at the time my friend was turning 11. And I found myself thinking *damn, here I am having an existential crisis about becoming a parent in the future while I'm low key old enough to have a house filled with 11 year olds for a birthday party.* Anyways, I wonder how my baddie Jennifer is doing.

3. My Friend from Middle School Whose Parents Got Divorced: My friend came from a religious family. But they were like the progressive kind of relgious where they genuinely believed in loving thy neighbor. Both of her parents were in support of gay rights and they didn't shop in Walmart because of the labor practices. Both parents were priests. The divorce happened because the mom ended up being gay and turns out they were holding the marriage together long enough to be able to raise the kids to where they would be old enough to not be totally traumatized with what's going on. The divorce occurred when my friend was in the 8th grade (so like 14) and her brothers were about to graduate highschool. Later on, I found out that her eldest brother (or I guess now sister) came out as transgender a few years later. I think mom was probably under a lot of pressure from her religious upbringing so she ended up in the comhet category to the point where got married to a man and had 3 kids. From what I could tell, my friend had some issues for the first few months processing the whole thing and dealing with the logistics of a situation like this but generally speaking, the divorce was amicable.

4. Interesting Mixed Couples:

I know a couple who is my parents age where the dad is Bangladeshi and the mom is from Laos (mind you, the South Asian community is weird about mixed couples and that was even more so the case in the 80s and 90s when this couple got married). The dad works for Lockheed Martin and the mom's entire family has been voting for the Republican party since she came to the country in the 70s during the Vietnam War. From what I understand, their family fell for the propoganda around the Red Scare in the U.S. after dealing with their own share of trauma in their home country. The house hold consisted of the parents, their two kids, and the dad's parents. The mom had most of her family in Texas as well. As a result, both kids were pretty connected to both sides of their heritage. I just remember that every time I went to their house, the food was bomb and I got to play with their dogs.

Another couple who is parents age consisted of the dad who is Bangladeshi and Muslim and the mom is a white woman from a trailer park. The mom fully converted to Islam and cut off her family. She's also like 6ft tall while her husband is around my height (5'2"). They have a kid who was taller than me by the time she turned 9 years old.

I also have heard stories of a number of South Asian people having interracial marriages before interracial marriages got legalized in the US because they passed themselves off as different ethnicities and the white people didn't know better. Some of them were white passing, black passing, or just blended in with hispanic people.

I also met a girl who was half hispanic and half indian and her family was from Guyana. I just thought that was culturally interesting.

5. I met this guy in college who had 6 siblings and they were raised in a Christian cult: His parents got sucked into it during the Satanic Panic during the 80s. Also, among the 7 kids, 3 of them are gay and 2 of them are REALLY homophobic and are following in the parents footsteps in the cult. The guy I met was one of the 2 straight kids who didn't want to be a part of the cult anymore and was basically trying to help his gay siblings to get out while covering for them.

6. My dad had a step-grandma: So apparently, my great grandma passed away young and then my great grandpa got married shortly after because he needed someone to take care of the kids and because he thought the kids were too young to inherit anything if god forbid anything happened to him. Like most marriages at the time in South Asia, it was more of a business transaction/ arrangement rather than something rooted in romantic love. The crazy part is that my dad didn't know that his grandma wasn't biologically related to him until after she passed away and his dad (my grandpa) told him. The reason why my dad had no clue was because his step grandma loved all her kids and her grandkids as her own despite having no biological connection. The story isn't super crazy but you also got to consider that this was Bangladesh in like the 1930s to 1960s.

7. My grandma was raised by her brothers: My grandma on my dad's side didn't really know her parents. Her mom died after giving birth to her younger sister and then her dad died shortly after. My grandma had 4 brothers and 4 sisters. And of the 9 kids, she was the second to youngest. Her eldest brother was like 22 years older than her and basically stepped in as a guardian for all the siblings at 25. As a result, my grandma had a pretty relaxed childhood and didn't have to deal with a lot of the societal expectations women had in her time. The siblings also inherited a large amount of money and weren't struggling financially. As a result of the money and how chill my grandma's older brothers were, they let her go to college. Out of the 5 sisters in the family, my grandmother was the only one that pursued a higher education. The others had the option to, they just didn't, My grandma basically treated college as a side quest before getting married to my grandpa. She graduated in like the late 1930s with a college degree which is pretty wild in my opinion.

8. Blended families: This isn't so much weird but it's interesting to think about as someone who is only 26. I have a couple of coworkers in the 50s who got married again in their 40s and both they and their partners have kids from different marriages. I have heard them talk about their familes and it's interesting watching them navigate the dynamics between the kids as well as the baby mama drama. I also know a girl who is 2 years older than me who is dating a guy who has a 4 year old kid from a different relationship. She's currently navigating the relationship and trying to get to know the mom from the previous relationship as well as bonding with the kid.

9. Young Parents: This isn't so much weird but I guess it's more so unconventional in my eyes. My parents and the extended family I grew up around are on the older end so I have been surrounded by old people growing up. So when I hear stories about people being raised by young parents or people becoming young parents, that's always interesting and a bit wild to me. I have coworkers who are like a couple years older than me who are already parents. I have one coworker who I was sure was atleast a decade older than me who is married, has 4 kids, and a mortgage and I remember when I found out she was around my age, I was pretty shocked. I also have another coworker who is 2 years older than me and she has a 5 year old. I wouldn't say that I'm super close to this person but we do talk sometimes about things going on in our lives and I feel like she and I have the same existential crisis and are navigating the same stage of life but it puts things into perspective because she's doing everything with a child. Like if I'm having a bad day, I can just eat a banana split for dinner and go to bed. If she was having the same kind of bad day, she would still have to fulfill her responsibilities as a parent instead of being able to just eat ice cream and fall asleep. Of course, I think being teen parents is wild but I also think having a kid in your 20s counts as "having kids young" because you're navigating so many life transitions and you're learning to navigate the adult world in that decade. And adding the responsibility of parenthood on top of that is not an easy thing and that can lead to a ton of complications and interesting dynamics.

10. I had a friend who was adopted: She was Chinese and was given up for adoption due to China's one child policy. She was raised in a conservative white family. She also has a sister who was also adopted from a different Chinese family. The white family consisted of her mom and her grandma. The mom passed away when she was 11. I remember listening to how she viewed her adoption as well as how other girls who were adopted due to the one child policy were also impacted.

Edited Friday at 09:19 PM by soos_mite_ah

soos_mite_ah · Friday at 09:15 PM

Elements of Unconventional and Wacky Families

After writing out the previous post, I wanted to reflect which factors are at play when I characterize a family as wacky.

Unique backgrounds and unexpected cultural mixes
Reasons why people might get divorced apart from common norms (i.e being gay and dealing with comhet issues)
Differences in timing (having kids young, old, or around the same time as your peers)
Blended families and having a sense of familial love regardless of biological relations
Coparenting and not being romantically involved with your coparent (ie. due to you getting divorced from the kid's biological parent, having your kids be raised by a different family members apart from the biological parents, having your friend be a part of raising the kid, being adopted etc.)
Cults and religious extremism

I think overall, these factor contridict from heteronormativity and the nuclear family where a family is rigidly defined as 2 parents who had 2-3 kids in the 30s and that's it. I feel like listing this out as well as the previous post has helped me not have as rigid of an idea of what a family might look like for me in the future and what parenthood needs to look like. Don't get me wrong, I still have an ideal on the desired conditions I want to be a parent (i.e. I don't want to have a kid in my 20s and if I do have kids, I hope that my partner or I don't end up passing away while the kid is still a kid), but I think this has helped me create a more open mind as to different ways to go about parenthood as well as different factors that would have to be considered if I were to make a life decision like this.

Contemplating Motherhood

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