Contemplating Motherhood

[soos_mite_ah]

@mydiamondsandpearls Thank you so much!!! I hope you enjoy the posts lol. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I find this topic interesting because I feel like the expectations people had for things such as parenthood and even weddings has changed so much since social media and influencers started posting things. I feel like a lot of these things were much simpler in the past whereas now on the internet, they look like larger than life spectacles. I know it would be pretty chronically online to assume that everyone is having over the top weddings and are giving their children over the top childhoods but I do think that this type of content does affect what standards are seen as aspirational and even normal. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Therapy Notes 3: Provider 

I discussed much of what I wrote about in the post below in therapy: 

Basically it boils down to the fact that there is a part of me that wants to have a kid, but only in specific circumstances. And if those circumstances don't come into fruition, that's fine because I can still envision having a happy fulfilling life because I'm not going into the notion of having kids is going to fulfill me rather I want to build a fulfilling life and pour into / share that with someone. And even if that someone isn't born, well I still have a beautiful life that I've built for myself. I think that I have a more nuanced view of this matter after these three sessions and I feel like I have a good head on my shoulders in terms of decision making and consciously making this decision. 

I detailed this in a past post but the three scenarios where I can see myself having kids is as follows: 

On 7/3/2024 at 9:31 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

A. My husband and I both make decent money and are able to move to New Zealand to raise the kid. 

B. There are serious changes that have been made in the U.S. government (reforms in health care, education, cost of living, parental leave, gun laws, child care etc.) 

C. My husband is absolutely loaded to where we can afford to give the kid a good life and have the means to make good decisions despite being in America in the occasion that America doesn't change. 

If I don't meet the right man in time (say I'm like 37 and still single with no signs for worthy prospects) and if one of the following scenarios doesn't come true, I'm just going to say that having a kid is just not in the cards for me from the universe and just call it a day. There is also the possibility that I am still unsure in my late 20s but my thing is, if I'm putting this much thought into this decision only to still be unsure at like 28, at that point the indecisivness isn't coming from wanting to see all possibilities rather it's coming from a place of probably deep down inside not wanting to do this. I agree to a certain extent that if you're not sure, the answer is no, if being unsure is coming from a place of hesitation rather than justified scrutiny. 

We discussed these scenarios in therapy and talked about how this is coming from a place of wanting to be well prepared for the common challenges of parenthood as it relates to money, childcare, medical matters, education etc. The thing is, there are a lot of unknowns when it comes to parenthood and I'm going to be challenged. But while there are a lot of unknowns, it's best to prepare for the known challenges of having a kid so that you have the bandwith and capacity to deal with the curveballs. I think I also need to trust my ability to handle unknown situations or at the very least trust myself to be able to reach out and get the resources I need to handle said unknown situations.

I do believe this inner sense of confidence is something that can come with age and challenging myself as I continue to grow and change as a person who is figuring out adulthood and as I navigate other life transitions over the years from switching careers, moving, travelling, and more. I do have faith in the person I become and I think I'll know more concretely where I stand with the topic of having kids when I am a bit older. Not only that, who knows how much the world can change in that time. The world has changed a lot in the past decade, albeit not in positive ways. But I'm sure good changes can happen too and a decade is a pretty long time. 

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Not only did we discuss my ability to provide when it comes to having a kid but we also talked about how I would need to approach dating if I have the intention of potentially having a kid. I explored this in the same previous post I have been referring to:

On 7/3/2024 at 9:31 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

What does make a man worthy of being the father of my potential child in addition to simply being a good spouse?: 

• Doesn't see child care and taking care of the home as a gendered activity. 
• Enthusiastically and diligently wants to be an active role in the child's life and has thought of the reprucussions of having a kid as deeply as I have
• Is willing to take time off work to take care of the kid until they reach school age and I am willing to
• We have an exceptional, healthy, and fulfilling relationship that can deal with the challenges of parenthood effectively. We need to model a healthy relationship for the kid, he needs to be a good role model, and he needs to be a good team member when it comes taking on this project together. 
• Is incredibly supportive of what I may go through physically and mentally in this transition, carries the load of being a parent with me, and is trusted to take care of the kid if for whatever reason I'm not able to. 
• Has similar philosophies on the topic of raising kids (i.e. not super relgious in the upbringing, doesn't believe in hitting kids, understands what healthy parenting looks like, emphasizes educational achievement etc.)
• Is capable of supporting a family montetarily 
• Has a good amount of family support and comes from a healthy household (optional but highly preferred). 

Basically, this boils down to the guy taking an active role in raising the kid and doing domestic labor, is reliable when for whatever reason I'm not able to follow through on these responsibilities (whether I'm struggling mentally, physically, or if I'm absent in the event of death), has thought through the implecations of having kids as carefully as I have and is compatible with my philosophies around parenthood,  and has the material means of supporting the kid. In other words, I don't want to be alone in dealing with the struggles of parenthood materially in the form of monetary commitment and domestic duties or mentally regarding similar views and in terms of emotional support in challenging times 

We talked about how I feel about screening for such things in a relationship and having these standards. While I don't think there is a 100% chance of me knowing how a guy is going to react to being a father until the baby is here, I do believe there are signs in the relationship based on how he treats me, his attitude towards taking care of the home, and how living together would work. And of course I can have conversations with this guy regarding his thinking process around having a kid. All of that I'm comfortable with and it's also things I want to check out via living together before marrying someone even if having a kid is off the table. 

I also discussed the growing trend on the internet regarding traditional gender roles and *finding a provider man.* While there are some decent relationship advice out there regarding red flags to look out for, I also feel like a lot of dating advice nowadays is hyper individualistic but not particularly individualized in that it cannot take an individual's situation into nuanced consideration and can be blanket advice.  I feel like nowadays there seems to be this notion that there is only one way that a healthy relationship can look, where a man provides financially 100% and the woman is in her receiving energy. There is nothing wrong with that so long as it's coming from a healthy place for both parties but that is not the format that feels authentic for everyone. I feel like for me personally, I like taking a more active role in the relationship and sometimes pay for dates because.... well I like doing nice things for my partner and he likes doing nice things for me and it's reciprocal. Like it's not coming from a pick me complex where we're both keeping score and tallying up when it's someone's turn to pitch in.

But this notion around dating to find a provider man I feel is coming from a back lash of the girl-boss feminism of the 2010s and how we're idealizing being able to provide for a family on a single income since the economy is going to shit and more and more women don't want to work and instead wants to have the option to stay home and take care of the kids.  A whole generation of women have been told that we can do it all. And while this is empowering, a lot of us also heard that we need to do it all, and it's fucking stressful if you don't have an adequate amount of support. So people are pushing back against this. However, the problem around getting a provider man who will pay all of the bills is that it sells a fantasy rather than a solution. The solution isn't that we all get out of the workforce to be stay at home wives and mothers so that we don't have to deal with the stress of working like we don't have a family and providing for a family as if we don't have a job and other plights of late stage capitalism by opting out of the system. The solution is having the option for affordable childcare, higher wages, maternity AND paternity leave, access to quality health care etc. 

Nevertheless, I feel like this type of advice to lock in a rich man and the singular model of what a healthy relationship looks like has an appeal with the way that it gives a formula and sense of predicatability on how to achieve desired results in an increasingly chaotic and unpredictable world and dating landscape. Sure I can brush some of this off as chronically online but we also need to acknowledge that this is coinciding with the prevalence of online dating where you're essentially meeting people from the void of strangers in max 100 mi radius rather than the natural filtration process of your social circle. Besides dating apps, I think there is also an inherent level of unpredicatbility when it comes to dating and it's natural for our human minds to want to find patterns to explain this madness, even if such pattern doesn't actually exist, for a sense of predicatabily in having desired outcomes.

I think for me at least, feeling like I need to date with the attitude of *I need to find a rich provider man* is me trying to craft a sense of predicatability in a relatively unpredictable situation (because hey, we don't know how exactly the guy will react until the baby gets there). As I started unpacking this in therapy, it's obvious that the blind spot of this is that just because a guy provides monetarily doesn't mean he will actively be involved in the home and child rearing. And while I know this, I guess there is a part of me that wanted to hold on to this misconception because there is a part of me that thought well maybe if he can provide financially, he's also likely to provide in the home and emotionally as well. The other part of me is just being influenced by the trends around me at this period of time where traditional gender roles are having a resurgance.  Basically, I need to touch grass lol.   

Edited July 13, 2024 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Updating My Views on Motherhood

Much of what I have written in this journal was about 1.5 to 2 years ago. The reason why I haven't written much in this journal is not because I haven't been thinking about this topic, I have, but because I have had other things come up in my life that I had to deal with. I also read through this journal again and it's interesting to see where I was at in say at 23/24 versus where I'm at now at 26. I think I'm also thinking about the topic of parenthood much more now that I have moved in with my boyfriend. We have been together for 3.5 years now and getting a place together is a big step in our relationship. From the beginning I knew he was a good boyfriend, but deciding if he is a good life partner has been a challenge since we met in our early 20s and neither of us knew what settling down looks like for us. And this big decision has been making me think of where I stand in large life decisions like parenthood and if I'm compatible with him on this. 

I feel like when I was 23, motherhood sounded like a death sentence for me, literally and figuratively. Literally in the sense that in the state of Texas and the overturning of Roe v. Wade, god forbid something happened in the pregancy and I needed a medical abortion, that's not really an option for me. Figuratively in the sense that my whole life would be over and I would have to reorient everything around being a parent. But now at 26, since I have a decent amount in savings, since I'm more adjusted to adult life, I have more confidence within myself around navigating uncertainty with resiliance, and because I'm more emotionally self-regulated, motherhood seems less like a death sentence. If I found out I was preganant and I don't have the option to abort now, I would still freak out because it is a huge challenge, but it wouldn't feel like my life is over in the same way it would if the same scenario happened to me at 23. I definitely feel like I'm more capable now. That doesn't mean that the desire is there or that I should. For example, I'm capable of getting through law school, but that doesn't mean that I want to or i should. Same goes for parenthood. I feel like I'm capable of being a good parent but I'm still trying to figure out if this is what I genuinely want in my life. 

I wrote about this back in December 2021 and then I revisted it in March 2023 and I want to explore similar points again: 

Thought #1: Would I Even Make a Good Parent?: Yes, I feel like I would make a good parent given how carefully I'm thinking this decision through and given the work I have done in my personal life both in terms of healing from generational issues as well as the life I have built for myself so far. 

Thought #2: Kids are Draining: I'm starting to shift on how I feel about dealing with kids and I have gotten better at it over the years. I don't really think kids are draining.... but toddlers and babies on the other hand.... I have accepted the notion that if I decide to have a kid, the first 3-4 years is going to be hell. Will it always be that way? No. Is the 3-4 year of hell worth the human connection and experience afterwards? I'm still figuring that out. I still relate to this: 

On 9/18/2023 at 7:01 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

the idea of being a mom is pretty daunting. The idea of having work and then maintaining the household/ raising the kids seems like a recipe of becoming one of the many adults who are tired constantly and barely have room to breathe. Don't get me wrong, my husband would be sharing the responsibility but even then it's this idea of being on all the time. 

I think if I decide to have a kid, having a good partner is crucial for me. I was also hearing a lot of horror stories of women who started living with their partners and how that ruined the relationship and put them in a position where they were doing a majority of the housework to take care of a grown man. I feel like for my relationship specifically, I dont' think that I'm doing more or less domestic labor because I have a partner who is not offloading much of the responsibility on to me. In some ways, living with a partner makes certain things in life easier in terms of household management. In my opinion, the wrong partner doubles your household responsibilities while the right one cuts it in half. I say all of this to say that raising a kid is a lot of work but having a competent partner makes things suck considerably less. 

Thought #3: Loving Your Kids but Hating Motherhood

On 9/18/2023 at 7:01 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

On top of this being a huge energy sink, especially for women, a lot of women forget who they were before having kids because they no longer have the time to themselves or hobbies that make them feel fulfilled. Not only that, but often times when a woman becomes a mother, society only sees her as such and then suddenly literally everything in your life becomes about being a mom and people only focus on that one aspect of you. And I feel like if you take the path of least resistance and have things like your marriage and kids take over your life, it's bound to turn into a cesspool of resentment, dysfunction, and inner turmoil unless you carve out time to prioritize yourself and take care of your own needs amidst all of this (even when everyone else sees you as being selfish for doing so)

I'm still figuring out if motherhood is for me. I understand that prioritizing a lot of things after becoming a parent is harder once you have a kid. As a result, I do intend on fulfilling a number of personal and financial goals before I make a decision like this. At the same time, I think even though society can reduce women down to just mothers, that doesn't mean that you have to as well. I think in the same way you can decide not have your marriage take over your entire life, you can do the same with parenthood. I think you can still maintain your hobbies as a parent, it will likely look very different. Maybe you don't have time to go to the gym and life weights 3x a week but instead, your physical activity comes in the form of running after your kid in the park. Maybe you don't get to have dinner and drinks with your friends but you do get to invite them over to your place and they can also get to know your kid and be an adult in their life. Maybe you will have to put travel on hold for like 3 years but then after that, you can bring your kid along for smaller, more budget friendly trips. And if you do need time for yourself, I think you should take it. It's not selfish. If anything, it will be good for the kid to see that you have a life outside of parenthood and that you're prioritizing yourself rather than having motherhood run you dry.

My point is, I don't think that parenthood should be a reason to abandon your hobbies or your community/ friend circile. If anything, I think maintaining your friendships, community, and your hobbies becomes more important, not less, once you have a kid because it can allow your kid to see you as a whole person, it can help them explore their interests, and it can serve as an education on how to maintain relationships as you grow in different stages of your life. It also teaches the kid that not everything revolves around them which can teach them to be more understanding, less entitled, and more independent. I feel like for me, motherhood becomes less appealing to me when I think of the blueprint of centering your life around motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I think motherhood is a great part of my life but I don't think it should fully dominate everything. I feel like I could do another post dedicated to this as well.

Thought #4: Birthing the Kid vs Adopting: I feel like I'm still scared about giving birth. But given my experience with surgery and the recovery time for that, I feel like I'm generally in good shape and I don't have a huge history in my family of difficult births. I have heard a couple of horror stories but nothing too insane. I feel like if I keep myself in good health generally speaking things will go smoothly. Will I have to take time to recover from it? Absolutely. Am I capable of that? I feel like that's a yes. I think the surgery experience I had about a year ago made me a bit more confident in this regard. I know it's not a one to one comparison but I do think I see myself as more resiliant and able to cope. 

Adoption is something that I'm open to but I don't think it's my first option. I have a lot of complex thoughts around adoption and the ethics around it given the way that the adoption and foster care system is corrupted. I also don't know if I'm qualified to take in a kid from the system and raise them in the right way because a lot of kids from the system do come with a lot of baggage to navigate (note: this is no hate towards the kid and I don't mean this as a negative fact, more so neutral, but it is something to take into consideration). I have a friend who is a therapist and who is physcially not able to have a kid due to health reasons but she is thinking of one day adopting a teenager from the system as a part of her family. I think out of all the people I know, because of her professional and personal background, I think that is the best option for her. And personally, I don't think of myself in that camp though I might be open to it as an alternative. 

Thought #5: Unconventional Maternal Energy : Yeah, I think my maternal energy is very different from the typical baby fever variety. But over the last couple of years, I have grown to understand that the things that draw me to motherhood don't make me less maternal, just differently so. And I don't think this is a draw back. 

 

Thought #6: The Moving Parts of Being a Good Mother: I wrote about my concerns back in 2021 and then I wrote about how I feel more reassured in 2023. This is what I wrote: 

On 9/18/2023 at 7:17 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I feel like I have grown significantly since the last time I have written this and my life circumstances are very different. I am in a healthy and loving relationship which has made me think that maybe I have what it takes to raise well adjusted adults since often times, the qualities that make a good partner also makes a good parent. I'm also in a job that is stable and has descent benefits so I think in a few years time I would be financially equiped to have a kid in a dual income scenario. I'm sure in a few years I will be able to have a career that aligns with my life purpose. And as a result, I think that can fulfill much of what I have written about the moving parts of being a good mother (point 6) since I have the other aspects down. 

I feel like it rings even more true now. And I think I would be fully ready once I reach my 30s if this is the trajectory I want to take my life.

Thought #7: The Chaos of the World : I have written about my concerns about climate change, late stage capitalism, and the general mess we're in as a country. But also, since travelling, I do have more hope for the situation in the U.S. and I doubt that this is the way it's always going to be. I feel like me choosing to have a kid is less about having faith in my immediate future 5 years down the line but more so the hope I have for the future 20+ years from now. 

Thought #8: The Finality of Having Kids : While I do think that having kids is a very permanent decision, and as a result it's something to be very carefully thought out and not something to rush into by any means, I think the attitude I had about this in the past is seeing parenthood as a death sentence of sorts. I think parenthood can evolve over time to be more or less intensive and it's not something that is stagnant even though it's final. Personally, I want to at least be in my mid 30s when I have a kid (between the ages of 33 and 38) because I want to live a very full life before then. Not because I can't have a full life after having a kid but because I want to have a lot of experiences I can pour into the kid. If I decide to have a kid, I have the rest of my life to spend as a parent, so why rush? That's my attitude anyways.

I understand fertility can be a bit of an issue and they say that pregancies after 35 are "geriatric" or "doubles the risk for certain disorders." But I do think some of that is overstated due to misinterpretations and existing biases to push women to have kids sooner rather than later. For example, let's say you're the average woman with no family history of genetic disorders and as a result, for example's sake, you have a 1% chance of having a kid with a disorder if you have the kid before 35. Then, let's say the risk increases by 50%. Your new risk is 1.5% not 51% because 50% of 1 is .5 and the 50% increase equals to 1+.5=1.5. So a 1.5% risk vs a 51% risk are two very different things in terms of the data you're using to make an informed decision. However, let's say you are coming from a family with a history of genetic disorders and the risk you had before turning 35 is 20%. After 35, the new risk is 30% which is a considerabley higher. So that's when you need to take the age part more into consideration. 

I also wrote about the following in 9/2023: 

On 9/18/2023 at 7:19 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I have a bunch of reasons why I'm hesitant of having kids and why I'm thinking so hard about this. Some include the following:

• my ability to deal with a variety of situations from a child being born with disabilities to tragedy being struck on the child to where I have to be a fulltime care giver for the rest of my life. I feel like the risk of disability and having to step up as a care taker is present regardless of if I have a kid or not. It's still there in the event of aging parents as well as having a spouse to take care of. That doesn't mean I'm going to shy away from getting married for example. 
• the current state of the world regarding climate change and the such. Like I wrote earlier, I have more faith in the long term future rather than the short term and that's what makes me consider motherhood instead of being doomer. 
• how draining kids can be and the thought of *what if I love my kids but end up hating motherhood* (particularly when it comes to the baby stage): Still something I'm contemplating but from a different lens as described above.
• how final this decision is: I think parenthood no longer feels like a giant metaphorical death anymore
• how terrifying pregnancy, birth, and postpartum can be: I feel like I'm more equipped to dealing with this sort of thing and I'm going to be in an even better position later in my life like 5+ years from now.

I also still agree from the following section from 9/2023: 

On 9/18/2023 at 7:19 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

Where I'm going with this is that I think I'll reach an age in my 30s or so where I have done everything I want to do, travelled all of the places I wanted to go, and live the life I want to where I can see myself giving everything up to have a child. It will be my last act of selfishness and indulgence which I will repay with selflessness for the rest of my life. And this selflessness will not habor resentment because I will repay my decision to have a child by pouring into that child all of the happiness and contentment I have created for myself so that I can share my beautiful life with another individual, so that I can pour from a place of wholeness by giving them my life experiences as a teacher. I can see myself feeling so fulfilled and content with my life to where I will want to share that overflow with another person.

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I'm also content with the idea of not being a mother in this life. To me, dying single or child free is not the worst scenario. I know I can still live a full and beautiful life without getting married or having kids. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't have a desparation to get married or have a kid. If it's not in the cards for me, I'm willing to accept that. And especially when it comes to being a mother, I want to either raise them in a good circumstance and be a phenomenonal mother, or not have a kid at all. If I'm going to be a mother, I'm not going to mediocre one.

Edited 4 hours ago by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

My Concerns with Motherhood (2026 Edition):

I feel like I have less of an antagonistic view of motherhood as I have been growing into adulthood. I’ve never been averse to responsibility, but I do see myself as more capable as I get older. But nevertheless, I have come concerns:

Money: The world and cost of living wasn’t what it was when I was growing up. And while I think I can fare considerably better in a dual income scenario, I’m still worried about work life balance and the cost over time. I know money isn’t everything. I don’t think I need to have a $500k salary and own a house to give my kid a good life but I don’t want to give them the trauma of poverty and I don’t want to give them a bare minimum childhood either. I also think about saving money for the kid’s college or any other goal they may have.

Disability: I feel like I could adapt to a situation like this and that a little risk is always there (like for example if I have a healthy child, they could still get into a car crash and deal with permanent disability). But, it is scary to think about.

Pregnancy and Post-Partum: That still sounds like some sci- fi shit right there.

What if I have a screamer?: I feel like I can deal with most types of toddlers. Hell, I can deal with toddler tantrums especially given my customer service background lol. But a screamer, there is very little reasoning with them. I also think about this one time I was at yoga and while finishing up my class, I overheard a lady talking to another lady in the bathroom. This lady sounded very distraught and was like “I am dreading going home because my toddler is in this phase where they are constantly screaming. This yoga class is the only time in the day where I get silence.” The other lady was trying to reassure her and say it isn’t forever and that she will get through it. But that interaction is basically my mental birth control if I’m perfectly honest. Hell, even when it comes to dogs, I don't want a husky because of how loud they whine. 

The baby and toddler years: Honestly, the first 3-4 years sounds like hell. I’m sure there are some very beautiful, precious moments from that stage from the first steps, the first words, etc. But I feel like I would be too overwhelmed with everything else to fully take in those moments.

Other people’s feral children: I wrote about this in a previous post but I feel like I have intensified my views since AI became more mainstream.

[soos_mite_ah]

Decentering Motherhood

I moved in with my boyfriend recently into a more walkable neighborhood and I think the walkability aspect really caused me to re-envision what motherhood can look like. Sometimes I wonder if it's not motherhood I have a problem with rather it's motherhood in suburbia specifically. I think especially with the notion of the American dream, people are served this vision of the nuclear family who owns a home in the suburbs with a giant backyard. I was also exposed to a different way of raising kids in other environments since I would spend time with my family in India growing up and I also had family in Dubai. Out of all my cousins, I'm pretty much the only one who grew up in the classic American suburb kind of way. The rest of them grew up in apartments in the city.

I think one of the good parts of being raised in an apartment in a walkable area of sorts is how it promotes a sense of independence in kids. I have fond memories of being a kid where my cousins and I would go down stairs to the corner store to buy some chips and play with the other neighborhood kids. I remember the youngest age I did that without adult supervision was when I was 6. I was with my 9 year old cousin and his brother, my 3 year old cousin at the time and I remember my older cousin was essentially in charge. The 3 year old would be running around and on the verge of throwing a tantrum and we had to keep him in check. I'm sure that store clerk knew who we were and hated to see us coming lmao. Looking back, I think it was also nice how from the hours of 2 pm to 6 pm we were essentially out and in the apartment complex playing with other kids downstairs not only for our social development but also that gave our parents a break as well. And as I grew older into my teen years, I remember thinking my cousins were further along in terms of feeling confident socially even though I was roughly around the same age as them because they did have that greater independence to go around wherever via public transport to hang out with their friends and go to school by themselves while I was kind of cooped up at home because I couldn't drive. That social gap has since lessened as I became an adult so it's not a death sentence but I did note on how our environments shaped us. I also remember one time my cousin telling me a story about how when he used to go and travel around Europe, occasionally he would meet some teenager in their later teen years just casually travelling around their home country. And they can do that because of public transport. In the U.S, they would have to worry about the complications of renting cars and I'm pretty sure that's straight up not allowed if you're a minor. 

I cannot see myself as a minivan mom. I don't want to rearrange my entire schedule around my kid, their extra curriculars, and their social lives. After a certain age (like age 10), I want them to just be able to take public transport and do what they need to do. I think a kid having a sense of independence and having their own life is good for their development. Also, I wrote about this in my previous post but I think it's important to not have your entire life revolve around your kids, both for your own sake and their sake. I think allowing them to be bored is good to help them self regulate and I think having them tag along your life rather than you rearranging your life for them teaches them to not be entitled plus how to navigate non-kid spaces after a certain age.

I also mentioned that I think after having a kid, contrary to popular belief, it's even more important to mantain your friendships, community, and hobbies. It helps your kid have a more well rounded view of adulthood. It models a good life style for them. It helps them get socialized and have other adults they can look to. And it helps them explore their interests. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to structured activities for kids. But, as a child of Asian parents who were obsessed with having their kids go to Ivy league schools, I don't think that overscheduling them with extracurriculars is the model in which to cultivate their interests. I, thankfully, didn't get the absolute extreme of this parenting style, unlike some of my peers, mainly because I grew up in a poorer area in Dallas county that didn't have as many after school activities for kids and my dad was not open to driving me an hour one way just for piano lessons for example. But I still got to explore interests by learning to be curious about my surroundings and by getting exposed to some of my parents' hobbies as well. 

Finally, I don't want to show my kid that being a mother is all that I am. I want them to view me as a full person. I know that's not going to be the case for the first 10 years since that's typical for their ego development at that age but I don't want the overall narrative of their childhood to be *mom was exhausted and all she had going on in her life was things that pertained to the home and family.* I think a large part will also have to do with the partner I choose so that all the work load doesn't fall on me and so that taking care of the household and kids doesn't seem like a gendered activity. I also don't want them to think regardless of gender that to be a woman is to sacrifice everything about yourself for the sake of other people. I want them to see that I'm taking care of myself and that I'm being taken care of in the context of an equal partnership where my spouse and I take care of one another.   

I think what it means to decenter motherhood is similar to the notion of decentering men/ romance. It doesn't mean that you can't date or be in a relationship with a man, rather it means that your relationship status, sense of validation, and overall life doesn't revolve around men, their opinions and perceptions, or any other romantic pursuits and milestones. Similarly, decentering motherhood doesn't mean that I cannot be a mother rather it means that I don't want it to totally dictate my sense of self, the way I structure my life and time, and that I'm not going to have my child be the deciding factor on every little thing I do. Is being a mother something that is a huge part of someone's life especially in the first few years? Yes. But just because it's a large part of someone's life, it doesn't mean it has to be the center and you have to neglect literally everything else. Similarly, my significant other is a large part of my life but I'm not having him tag along every time I hang out with friends, I'm not constantly bringing him up in conversations, and I have a life outside of him and the relationship.