In a weird place

[digitalkaine]

Yesterday I had a very odd experience when driving home from my friends house. I felt like an overwhelming sense of power the best way I can describe it would be as if my higher self was slapping the shit out of me and waking me up. 

I dont know where to go from here anymore. I've meditated alot. I'm broke and alone. I dont even know if I really want money or a girlfriend anymore. I've had alot of sex in my life. 

Yesterday during this experience I just felt like this insane amount of energy, I did nofap/porn for like a month and half along with quitting drugs. Then I went back 2 fapping w/o porn then I finally watched prawn like 2 days ago. But stopped fapping again and prob wont watch it for however long. I still have sex sometimes. I feel like maybe the fact that I didnt fap gave me all this energy but I dont know what it was really. 

I think I might be crazy or losing my mind. Yesterday when I was meditating, I just kept envisioning like a higher self version of myself just beating the shit out of me and forcing me to focus on things that would make my life better. I had so much energy and then today I envisioned the same thing and conjured up that same enrgy for some reason it feels good I dont know why. The thought of a better version of myself sitting there and beating myself up and just being my own master/sensei made me feel stronger and focused and like I wanted to make better decisions and stop fumbling around. The more and more I kept doing it the more I realized that this is basically what edward nortons character experiences in fight club except hes not conscious of it.

I started to watch alot of fight club content after that realization and tried to understand what it was about because I relate to it I guess. 

I keep having this internal battle. I dont want to blame Actualized because I actually love the content but in all honesty it doesnt feel like me. 

I hear so many people who are probably more unconscious say "I miss the old toxic you." Sometimes I miss that person too. 

I actually used to really be like tyler durden as cringe as that may be, that was like that was my natural state growing up and in my early 20s then the corporate world kinda swallowed me and ironically I found Actualized by searching how to not care what others think of you.

I'm just writing this because I feel this urge to revert back to how I used to be and I can feel it very deep inside of me. I just dont want to be "toxic masculine." but I have this urge to project egoic masculine energy in my art or in certain aspects of my life. 

I meditate alot and I'm very aware of my feelings but Its been a while since I've been at peace. 

I think one of the biggest reasons why may be because of my health and financial situation. When all my bills were paid I didnt even have to meditate to actually be at peace and all loving the only thing was during that time I had little to no romantic relationships, idk what it was but like being even i guess semi enlightened was not good for me dating wise I feel like I came off really weird to alot of ppl. 

I feel like I'm at a point I could easily get a girlfriend which I do want like instictually but I would just hate to waste someones time while being as broke as I am. 

The thing is I think I have a decent opporitnuty as a felon to make money if I do kind of embody this "self destruction" type mindset and just push through with my art. I came up with a plan that actually may work but I'll just be honest, being all in tune with my feelings and shit is not helping me with focusing on my art while I have little to no money every day. 

I felt alive yesterday and today when that energy came about and I just want to channel it into completing art. I just feel as if majority people would consider it unhealthy. I also practiced alot of letting go this past week and I let go of alot of shit I kind of stood firm on. I feel alot better because of it. 


I just get really confused sometimes because people make it seem like all this shit is so wrong, but its not like I want to hurt anyone or even bother anyone but I feel like just by embodying certain things that I'm not allowed to simply exist with that energy. Like I do like the feeling of being dominant and just taking things over and wanting to have control over things and having power, as well as being able to express myself freely, but its not like I want to hurt anyone or judge people or put anyone below me. I would like to have all that stuff to help people and lift people up thats kind of my goal with my art. I love expressing myself but I've always been kind of a leader in alot of aspects alot of  people listened to me growing up and for some reason I just feel like the art is just a vehicle to spread a message. 

And im not like trying to push anything political or in your face or tell people how to live but I just want my art to just make people more conscious I guess or just see things differently or feel things they might have not experienced before.