Things are getting real

[Hibahere]

Today I had to cut off yet another "friend" and now I'm left with 2. I have been dealing with some very strong feelings and trauma along the way. One was related to my health anxiety and there were some other traumas as well. I tried shamanic breathing. It was a fault but also a good think because it was the catalyst of the changes I've been going through as of now-

1. Ringing and bells in ears...although it's stopped now

2. I saw a black shadow man figure 

3. Immense feelings of fear and threat

4. An increase in anxiety and a bout of depression.

5. Suicidal thoughts.

6. Past memories arising 

7. Traumas becoming amplified

8. Anger levels increased so much lead to me breaking things 

 

I would like to note that I'm much better now and none of the symptoms are continuing now. I did the breathing for barely 5 minutes and twice. I started to spiral do much into a dark abyss that I literally considered going back to being a normie. But when there's no going back I had to push through. 

Coming to some realisations I took a hard look at my life. I cut off a very toxic friend who was a normie. I understood that I couldn't deal with anymore bs. No company is better than bad company and now I'm at a point where if done well I can really enjoy my own company. Its hard enough to find someone who is into spirituality...and it's it's harder to find people like this and make friends with them. I used to feel very lonely and I had this limiting belief and I still do that most people in my country don't do self development they are at stage red and I'm doomed in love and in friendship forever. But slowly I'm trying to make peace with the fact that only in solitude will I discover myself and shine with my authenticity. And that is the place from where I want to attract friends and love. I believe that the universe never lets you down. It always keeps sending people your way. So there's nothing to worry about...I keep telling myself. 

But ever since self development started getting serious for me I've been going through  a lot and sometimes I do think of giving up and it breaks me. It scares me that I have so much trauma to work through which is gonna manifest in ugly ways...I'm genuinely scared but deep down I know its for the better good of me. Its for my expansion after all and for recognising that I am indeed reality...God...whatever you call it. One day my ego will die...I will die as well. I need to make peace with a lot of things..

Hiba