Spiritual Autolysis

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #82 ~ Thu May 21 '26 ~ 10:42 PM

I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why, season 1. This is a show that I come back to every few years.. but only season 1, the other seasons are atrocious and the people that made the next 3 seasons should be ashamed of themselves. Anyways... Hannah baker kills herself, that's what the shows about, she kills herself and she records these tapes that describe the 13 reasons why she kills herself. Each tape describes a certain person and a specific circumstance that leads to her demise. The interesting thing is yes a lot of shitty things happen to her, but she starts to curve into the unfortunateness of her life, as if she now wants the tragedy, she doesn't want her life to get better, her mind is somehow finding a way to enjoy the misery of it all. What an absolute mind fuck this is. And this is actually how the mind operates ( I believe.) 

Anyways.. the other thing I noticed is her self image starts to deteriorate because of all of the rumors going around the school about her, she is called a slut mostly which is completely underserved and messed up, she is called crazy, etc... but this, all of this is an image inside of her own head. She is driving herself insane with a fake image, a fabricated image of what people think about her. And guess what, the other people around here are also fabricated. Hold on a minute ben... What do you mean by that, the other characters are real characters, they are real people, real organisms, they're not fake. Oh yes they are. You just said the self image is a fabrication, therefore they're self image is also fake. The only thing real is pure awareness. That's pure awareness for me, for you, for everyone, etc.... pure awareness is all that there is. There is no separation between church and state, between human to human, between black and white, between computer and bed, between sheet and mattress, it's all pure awareness, pure consciousness, whatever the fuck you want to call it.. and these images that you have of people, they're not real. Your image of somebody else is also a fabrication, it's NOT what they truly are. Do you see that?

I know you see it but we have to get you to experience it. That is what you're missing and that is what Peter Ralstons books will help you with. 

Do something with your mind. It is completely running the show right now. But it doesn't matter actually. The problem in a real tangible sense is that your vision doesn't match.... Hold on a minute. 

It doesn't matter what you're doing. Nothing fuckin matters. Literally nothing. Whatever your vision is is what you're gonna get. If you want that then go get it. You can have it. If you want that, you can have that too. Stop worrying. Get your head out of your ass. Whatever to envision is what you will have. 

But I want englithenment. Give me enlightenment! Set my life up for enlightenment. Not girls. I don't give a fuck about girls. Truly I don't. I'll just have some nice casual sex with anyone as I just focus on my craft. I want to be an amazing dancer because this is what I've decided to be passionate about. You know why? Because of inspire me to be a better person, to reach for greater heights. And it pushes me every fuckin day. Every. Fuckin. Day. 

But I really do want Truth. And I want it soon. I want it within a year. Do you think I can do that? 

Yes, but you'd need to take time away from other things. 

Like what? 

Like competing. Stop worrying about competing. And most importantly stop worrying about girls. Sex will come to you when you're ready for it. You don't like sex that much. You don't. You'd rather do other things. That's awesome! Sex is not that important! That's a good thing that you don't salivate over it. Of course, I used to. Now I'm much more chill because I'm older and I can handle my business and I can stick up for myself. Cuz I'm that fuckin guy. And everybody's that guy. I fuck with everyone. But I can beat your ass. That's the mentality of a masculine man. I don't care what you think of me. There's nothing you can say that is going to hurt me. Aidos 

Lower Self: I am pure awareness. The Truth is pure awareness.

Higher self: So this means pure awareness is everywhere and everything? Without boundaries? 

Lower self: What do you mean? What are boundaries? 

Higher Self: Boundaries are what keeps things inside. Inside a glass bowl. 

Lower self: Do I need the glass bowl? 

Higher Self: You tell me. Do you need it? 

Lower self: Yeah... As a matter of fact I do. If I break the glass bowl then I will die. And guess what I don't wanna die. 

Why don't you want to die? What's wrong with dying? 

Dying is awful, it's cruel, it's monstrous.

Why though? Why are you afraid of it?

Like really. What is there to be afraid of? What could you possibly lose? You are NO ONE. 

But I am somebody. I'm Ben. I m fuckin Ben. They know me by Ben. And they give a fuck about what goes on in my life. 

Do they really though. And who are they? Right now they're just a picture in your head. What does that tell you? Riddle me that. 

It tells me that I am on planet earth and I am a man. And I don't want to go to sleep. I can't deal with this abstract bull shit. I'm a human. I'm a little ass human that can't handle anything. That's why I need comfort. I crave comfort. And seeing people and meeting people is the death of me. I hate meeting new girls. Because they scare me. And I know I'll probably fall in love with one of them and then they'll break my heart or I'll break hers. And then we'll both be sad. So like what's the point? What's the point of dating if I'm just gonna get heartbroken? 

You're triggered. What do you want? Would you like to stay triggered. Or would you like to get out of that head space.... Because you can get out of it if you want. If you want to continue to punish yourself, then you do that as well. 

You do you man. You do you. 

Okay now give me something that's true. But give me something new. I've tried a bite out of the pure awareness muffin and it was tasty, don't get it twisted. But now we've got to move onto greater pastures and greater heights. 

Consciousness is all that there is. 

Okay, I've heard that one before, that means it must be worth a listen, right? 

Yes, that's exactly what that means, just follow the herd. And don't look back. 

Whatever man, let's take a look at what consciousness is, shall we... It is everything. It is everything. 

At times I start freaking out. I can't help it. I think that Im dying. Why don't you get closer to death. Seriously. Get even closer.

 No! I'm scared! I don't wanna die! And you're scaring me now. 

What are you scared of ? You're a grown ass man. You can handle fuckin' business. 

Yeah but not death. You're asking me to confront death.. see you don't understand what it's like to be in my shoes. 

If my father died, I would be at peace with it. If my mother died, I would be at peace. 

What if you're sister got raped and killed? And the guy was your best friend? Could you accept reality if that's what happened? What about the rape of Nanking, what if you were one of the girls being raped over and over again? What does it feel like to get raped? What do you think it feels like. Try to imagine it. It would feel like I have no control. I have to surrender no matter what. Is this what's its like to get fucked? What about you though, you are doing the fucking, aren't you? What does that feel like? 

It feels like I'm the man because my dick is inside of her. I am implanting my seed into the Earth, or at least that's how it feels. But I am afraid of sex. I have to be SOOOOO comfortable with someone for me to actually have sex with them .

My true nature is that of Spirit. My Spirit will forever live on as my body decays and dies. I don't have my own life right now, that's what is not ideal right now because I'm living at my mom's house AND I can't leave the house whenever I want, that's what's frustrating. At the same time, the time off that I've gotten has been an absolute gift from the Universe. I have figured out so many things in my life and I really look forward to seeing how these things get integrated when I go back to work and business as usual. 

The biggest thing that I've realized is that I want to be Truth realized. I just want Truth, without a fuckin' doubt. 

And I'm working towards that while also letting go, as to not allow myself to make myself feel guilty for this or for that. Allow the Universe to take you on a ride. 

Another thing that happened to me last night; so I was up late, eating snacks and not sleeping. I took an edible and whenever I do that, I go down a path where I am slouched in my bed and on my phone for HOURS. I try not to use any electronics past 11 pm, but sometimes I just don't care enough and. I don't abide by that rule. It's important not to force yourself,remember you're not really in control because there's no one there to Be in control, see that? 

Anyways, I cant wait to start stacking money by using Doordash. I think I can be really strategic with it and get the job done. 

It's hard to focus on Truth when I'm stressed out about survival. Like I have no fuckin money and I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to pay my rent. 

Is this every going to go away? Honestly, probably not, unless I can change my paradigm surrounding it. This might be started by reading "It's not about the money" which takes a look at the different archetypes of financial mindsets. For example, there's the saver, always saving, or the penny pincher, always pinching pennies no matter how wealthy he is. 

The truth that we believe about the universe is just a hunch. Without a direct experience into the nature of reality, nothing is proven, nothing is known. You are in a state of not- knowing because you truly do not know. If you did know then you wouldnt be asking. You wouldn't be writing in this journal. So... What is Truth? What is it? 

Truth is consciousness. Just consciousness. Which equates to awareness. Which equates to live. Love? What does love have to do with anything? Love is just an emotion. 

Then why do I feel a sense of Love during times of peace and bliss. There is no other word for it. It's Love. It's Absolute love. When you can turn off your brain, you experience a state of Love. I experienced a state of Love. 

I just did a 20 minute meditation session and oh my God my mind is ridiculously stubborn. It does not want to sit still. And I came out of that session feeling the best I've felt in days. Meditation is CRUCIAL. 

Edited Saturday at 01:17 AM by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #83 ~ Sat May 23 '26 ~ 7:54 AM

Okay, so another human being ( or myself) is a real organism, they are a real entity in a relative sense. We can't argue with that. But when looking for Absolute TRUTH, which encapsulates everything inside of itself, that's where relative truths fall flat. For example, this girl that I am thinking of, I can describe her in different ways than another person would describe her. Take the fact that she has blonde hair, someone else might say that it's light brown or dirty blonde and boom there you have it, it's a relative truth. You also have different languages for blonde, in French, it's not called blonde, in Spanish, it's not called blonde, it's called something else... Boom relative truth. 

So what were trying to do here is write down something that is ACTUALLY true, not something that can be argued or disputed. So what is something that you can count on without a doubt in your tiny little brain? 

I can count on the fact that I am aware of my current experience. I am HERE. I am present. I am ABLE to see things and hear things, etc. now what I'm seeing can be relative. I could see the color red in front of me, but a blind person just sees black and a color blind person might see orange while I see red. Therefore, the Truth does not lie within WHAT I'm seeing, it lies within the ability to see. 

This is an abstract notion because there's nothing to grasp onto here. This Truth is boundless, it doesn't have a location and I cannot grasp it with knowledge or intellect, it's just something that is here, right in front of me. But there's something missing, it's as if I understand it conceptually but I'm missing the experience of it. 

I'm also scared to let go of the relative truths that I hold so near and dear. But do I have to let them go? They're still relative truths. They're not going anywhere... 

"Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water."

Honesty: a more honest look at the truth of something is what we're looking for. This goes for anything, try to be as truthful as you possibly can when it comes to your perceptions about reality and the world at large

Authentic experience: an authentic experience is what we are after. This authentic experience is awakening, it is enlightenment. In order to get here, we need to exhibit honesty

Grounded openness: In order to achieve enlightenment, I must be open to a very real experience of the Truth. This is accompanied by a grounded-ness that grounds us in reality, grounds is in what is True, grounds us in the pursuit of Truth, and also grounds us in the reality that this body, this ego needs to be fed, it needs to survive. For example, I am not going to be open to that grizzly bear maybe being friendly, no... I am grounded in the fact that that grizzly bear is dangerous and I should stay far away from it. 

Questioning: 

I am not the voice, I am the space in which the voice is heard.

The voice inside of my head, I'm going to call him Ben. He is scared. He is terrified. He thinks that I am trying to kill him. But I'm not trying to kill him, there is space for him in this vast, boundless Truth that I am driving towards like a madman. And I will treat him like a terrified little child. I will coddle him during this trip so that he embraces what his true nature is. This voice is a part of the Nothingness void. He is not separate from it. And I have to integrate him into it with me. 

The human ego, the personality, the "Ben" character, cannot live in the Absolute. It belongs to the relative world. It thrives in the world of friendships, jobs, hikes, and dogs. But this vast Absolute Nothingness encapsulates absolutely everything, therefore he is part of the Absolute yet he really doesn't belong in a relative sense.

I will continue down this path with the utmost devotion. I will give up everything I know and love if I have to. NOTHING matters besides truth. I only pay the rent so that I can pursue Truth. And I will not stop until I get what I came here for. The funny thing is, the relative world continues to rotate even though my perception is that of the Absolute Truth. Do you see that? Nothing is actually going to change in a real tangible sense. Because the Truth is already there, its right in front of you, so what on Earth would change? 

Further is the name of the game, its not helpful to take a look back at past entries, just keep moving forward, that is all that matters until you reach a special place called "Done." Then I will look back at the journey that I've taken and laugh because the Truth was there all along, so why did it cause such a big fuss?

It is eye opening however to see that this dream self does need attention. He is and will always be alive in the relative sense. Just because you understand and perceive things differently doesn't mean that he can be ignored, he still has needs, he needs to eat, he needs to fuck, he needs to pee and poop, he needs to feel fulfilled. I like that you are starting to create separation from him. Because you are NOT him, I mean you are, but you are really something so much bigger and brighter and infinitely more magical than a human being that has limited capabilities, strengths and weaknesses, etc. 

I am starting to see the limitations of living this way though, of living just for Ben, it is a hollow form of living, one that's thoughts are occupied by girls and petty things that I'm annoyed with. I want my thought patterns to be above that, but I AM NOT settling for some spiritual comforts. NOOOO. I want Truth and I will not settle for anything but. 

 

Ben is a real character in this dream state. And he deserves to be loved. He wants love. He wants to feel comforted and he wants to feel fulfilled. He doesn't want to be treated unfairly. He wants to sweep a girl off of her feet. He wants to give one girl the treatment that she so desperately wants and deserves. He wants these things and what when you discover truth, will Ben disappear? No, of course not. It's as if you now understand that the movie that you're watching isn't real. It's filled with actors and special effects. And your culture has taught you to believe that you are the main character.

But that's not you're nature in an Absolute sense, in reality you are the light that is projecting what's on the screen. And one of these days you are going to have a direct experience of what that is. I mean it's right here, it's right in front of you, but something is blocking you from seeing it, from experiencing it. Identify what the roadblock is. What is stopping you from seeing the Truth? 

Well, the key to awakening is having an insight. Having an insight into the true nature of reality. Having an insight requires a state of not knowing. A state of not knowing is a mind state free of beliefs, opinions, and perceptions. A state of not knowing is a state that's focus is on experience and not thoughts or beliefs.

Okay, sure but how do we get to this state? 

Edited Sunday at 12:23 PM by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #84 ~ Sun May 24 '26 ~ 8:28 AM

With the help of Gemini®, I feel like I made some really good spiritual progress yesterday, what an amazing tool AI is, truly amazing. Today, my goal is to start contemplating the nature of a state of not-knowing. I will also be door dashing again with a work out in between the door dashing and a shower and nap at my dad's house, it should be a really nice day for myself. And then I'll do more of the same tomorrow. 

But let's get back to the point of this journal, so in order to realize the Truth, or to have an awakening, I must be in a state of not knowing, it is not easily described as to how this state is achieved but it is a state that is possible. Now how do I get there? 

• Not Knowing must come before something new is learned, theres no way around that
• How I regard not-knowing is constructed by cultural assumptions
• Cultural assumptions have been influencing the way Ben acts and behaves since he was a little boy
• A state of not knowing is completely open to whatever the Truth may be, but dont confuse this with a state of a lack of knowledge, thats not the state, its a state of openness, of grounded openness. 
• A state of not knowing or of true wondering is a state in which you are not thinking about the object you are focusing on and making assumptions and theories about it, you are experiencing it fully in this present moment, without any judgements about it. There is a MASSIVE difference here and its your job to make the distinction and experience whats its like to truly experience something as it is
• Side note: Do you see that if you continue down this path, you will become Enlightened? There is no doubt in my mind about that.. you are making real headway, you should be proud of yourself
• Anyways, back to work... 
• Now, I understand what it takes to experience an object, but what does it take to experience a concept. I mean, its already a concept, how do you experience it for what it is. 
• Here is the definition of a concept according to Google, "A concept is a fundamental unit of thought or mental construct that classifies entities, objects, and abstract ideas."
• Lets take spiral dynamics, you know that model very well. This model for ego development is a concept because its a mental construct that classifies abstract ideas, in other words, its a model. Models are concepts. now how do I experience a concept rather than theorizing and thinking about it?
• Well, lets take it back to the object scenario, your job is to experience the object, or the sensation in your body, and NOT theorize or think about it. With a concept, its a little different because the concept is already a thought in your head and actually a string of thoughts that are all connected. For example, when I think of spiral dynamics, I think about how it starts with stage beige (pure survival) then goes to purple (tribalistic), then red (dictatorial), then blue (religious), then orange (capitalistic), then green (hippy), then yellow (systemic), then turquoise (holistic). These stages are all connected in a sense that we as humans (individually and collectively) move up this ladder of ego development. It is a model that describes how a human ego develops. It has helped Ben a lot with his anxiety because he used to worry a lot about how hes being selfish or how hes beign a coward, etc... learning this model put his mind at ease because he realize 1. Hes actually pretty high up on the ladder relative to his peers and 2. He understands that theres really nothing wrong with his selfish and cowardice, its all part of the process. But anyways, how do we experience this concept WITHOUT thinking about it? 

Lets take a look at the concept of self. The concept of self is like a filing cabinet. If I open up the filing cabinet and look at whats inside, this is the content, like Leo talks about in that "Content vs Structure" episode. But what we want to look at is the structure of the self. Now this isn't awakening, but its a good start to take a look at what the structure is that you've created to identify yourself as. So what is it, experience this filing cabinet for what it is. Go ahead. 

.....

Its a collection of thoughts. The self image is a collection of a bunch of thoughts, anything and everything that you've experienced, how you view yourself, its all in one big package. That is who you believe that you are. And I guess in a relative sense, that is who Ben is.... But this is Ben's opinion of who Ben is. These are his thoughts. Someone else's thoughts about Ben are completely different. Their filing cabinet that constructs him is COMPLETELY different. Now, I understand conceptually that this is not me. This is not who I truly am. I am something else entirely.. But what is that and how do I experience it. 

Start looking at the space that the cabinet is sitting.

If I completely stop opening the filing cabinet, and I refuse to look at a single piece of paper inside it - what is left right here that doesnt need a name, a history, or a future to exist? 

Sit down and meditate to this: 

° Notice the reflex to check the files - notice how quickly your mind reaches for a file to anchor itself. Everytime a thought arises, silently acknowledge it: "Thats just a piece of paper in the cabinet"

° If the filing cabinet is Ben's identity, then who or what is currently looking at the filing cabinet

° Find out what it FEELS like to exist without this identity 

She is not real. He is not real. She is not Truth. He is not Truth. Truth is all that matters. Truth is all thats on my mind. I will experience what is outside of the filing cabinet that is my ego, that is my collection of thoughts, there is something beyond it, yet it is right here, right in front me. And all I have to do is quiet down my mind and poof, there is your enlightenment. Take your time with this process, don't rush it. 

At times I am able to experience what is purely in front of me. It is a rare occurrence however. It baffles me how little control I have over my own mind. It just runs amuck, especially when the body is hungry or tired, the mind tends to be an absolute menace, never engaging in pleasant thoughts, it's always anxiety driven or frustration driven thoughts. 

I am starting to look at what is actually in front of me in every situation. What is the experience of this situation in front of me, what do I feel in my body? What are the thoughts going through my head. Be a conscious observer of what's going on. Meditation is not sitting on a fuckin chair and counting your breath. Meditation is right here, right now, everywhere you go, everything that you do, do it consciously, do it like you're meditating. That's the key. 

One day I want a cabin in the woods or a farm, something with nature. Ill have a nice girl that gives me space. I can have intellectual conversations with her that expand my mind. I also want a dancer girlfriend that I can explore the world with, compete with, owning our craft together. From now on, intimate relationships will arise out of convenience of circumstance. I do not pursue things for the sake of pursuing. My life purpose is far too important and energy inducing for me to go out to night clubs and hit on girls all night. I also just don't want to do that, therefore I won't. 

Edited Sunday at 08:40 PM by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #85 ~ Mon May 25 '26 ~ 8:06 AM

I had an experience last night in which I realized that the book in front of me does not feel separate from me. The mind is talking to me, telling me that this body is separate from the book, but then I look deeper or with another lens and I can feel that there is NOTHING in between me and the book, there is no boundary, no line. I have unlocked this ability to disregard the mind and feel what is correct, that is what I am accessing here, this is the "other lens" that I'm talking about. These moments are exhilarating, but they do not last very long, a few seconds at most. I'd love to learn how to sustain them for a longer period of time. 

I had another breakthrough. I'm up in Vermont visiting my Aunt, driving around this quiet town and it dawns on me that I am everything that I am seeing in front of me right now. This self image is stored in a filing cabinet somewhere. All of my desires are stored in a filing cabinet, with all of my friends, family, and all of societal history. I am starting to actually experience what is REAL. 

Now, how far does this go? And how much more can I take? I don't know if I can handle more Truth. Its exhilarating but at the same time, I don't want to lose the paradigm that I was viewing reality from. Then again, what choice do I have? I've already chosen this path... I hope I don't regret it. Then again, thats just the mind living out of fear. And of course I want this, there is nothing that excites me more than actually taking the quantum leap into nondual awareness. So no, I don't want to be a human being anymore. I want to operate outside of this human body, as the observer of the great drama that is my life.

The mind will continue to create distance, categorize and protect this character. And try not to hold onto the moment of nondual awareness, this is the minds way of trying to capture the moment as a spiritual trophy. The Absolute is the death of separate self. Separate self equates to eternal unity, eternal unity is Truth. Everything is united as One. 

This is not an ability that you have unlocked in your psyche, what you are discovering is the true nature of Reality. Its right here and its always been here. Just WAKE UP. See reality AS IT IS. You don't have superpowers, you are just discovering whats been right under your nose the whole time. Now, you will feel lonely at times in this mind-state, or maybe not, I'm honestly not sure. And maybe I won't even care to know if I feel lonely or not. Because the only one capable of feeling lonely is the separate self and he is not who I truly am. 

Next, turn your awareness from the objects of your awareness to the shift itself. Instead of trying to access the experience of unity again, try to become aware of the mechanism that caused this experience of union in the first place. What lens are you looking out of? Are you putting on super-powered glasses? Is God floating down from heaven and giving you the holiest of blow jobs which creates an orgasmic experience of union? Who the hell know, try to figure it out. 

Are boundaries just thoughts? Yes, yes they are. Therefore, they're not real. Not real whatsoever. Take a look at this truly and you will see that its true. 

You know what, I've been at this shit for YEARS, YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS. And I can finally say that the hard work that I've been putting in has finally paid off. I am starting to ACTUALLY experience the shit that Leo talks about. And theres no funny business going on. These aren't beliefs or ideologies or dogma. No, I am directly experience a state of union. And I am directly experiencing a state of no self and non-duality. They are glimpses of course. I AM NOT spiritually awake yet, but I can feel it is right around the corner.

Do you remember that intimacy that I was craving for a while back? Maybe the intimacy that I attracted into my life was an intimate connection with reality itself, not a physical woman, which is SOOOO much sweeter. A true samadhi is an 1000x better than an orgasm. Take that CHAD. 

Remember, the Ben character doesn't need to be destroyed, he just needs to be seen clearly as a movie thats playing on a screen. 

The State of No Thought

You know sometimes I think that the people on this forum don't actually care about Truth. I mean how many people on here are serious thinkers and how many are just distracting themselves, creating an identity around being a spiritual person. I will not fall prey to that. The reason I think this way is because I've posted a few forum posts on the spirituality section that I thought were gold and the responses that I get back are either nothing or a bunch of jumbled up responses. Its as if they don't actually want to get to the Truth. You just want to come up with these fancy little theories that sound nice but mean NOTHING. Jeez, I feel like I'm turning into Jed. Am I getting arrogant? Well, if I am, thats Ben's problem, not mine. 

Anyways, don't take anything I say personally. I am writing for my own spiritual journey's sake. Once I write it, I forget about it and move on. The idea is FURTHER. I dont give a fuck if it makes sense or not. If you're reading this, its too late. That made no sense, but its an album title by Drake, go check it out. 

Anyways... distractions are everywhere in this life. And what should i pursue? Ah... thats right, the state of no thought, lets crack into that, shall we... 

Lets question why I am so afraid of a state of no thought.. My mind right now believes that a state of no thought is a braindead state in which zero thoughts come in and the brain is actually incapable of thinking. This is not true AT ALL. In a no thought state, the brain still processes data, if someone throws a ball at your head, you are going to react, if you see a grizzly bear, you will get scared and look for a way out. You still feel emotions as well. The mental chatter is what subsides. And that is what is infinitely peaceful. Because the chatter is completely unneccessary. But yes, your brain will continue to work, it doesn't shut off, its the mental chatter that goes away or at least quiets down a fuck ton. This is beneficial to your success and happiness as a human being and I would love to share this with the world eventually... or right now, why not? 

The intelligence that executed the work does not need the anxiety that proceeded it. 

 

Edited 22 hours ago by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #86 ~ Wed May 27 '26 ~ 10:08 AM

I don't see ANYONE on this forum waking up. Very few people make profound posts or are actually putting in the work to get out of this dream. Ya'll are fooling yourselves and I mean anyone can live their lives however they want, but God damn, isn't that what this forum should be about is waking up at all fuckin' costs???? I mean nothing else should matter but waking up. Get off your ass and do the work. Its actually really simple. I never said it was easy, but it is simple.

WRITE DOWN SOMETHING THATS TRUE. Keep at it until you are DONE. That is the process. 

It doesn't help me at all to read things on this forum. Its all a distraction. I am alone in this work and I know it. And I wouldn't have it any other way. It is actually the only way because you are your own authority. Everything that you find in Truth work needs to come from YOU. It cannot be a belief or an idea or religious dogma. No, YOU need to have a direct experience of what is true. It is the ONLY WAY. 

Its too much responsibility to accept that you are the ultimate authority. If you say another source is credible or True, you are putting the authority of that thing on top of yourself. This is your choice. You put your authority into and onto whatever you choose. I am choosing to put the authority unto me, I am going to decide what I do, I am going to decide whats right and wrong in a relative sense, I am going to EXPERIENCE what is True. I am my own authority when it comes to Truth. Its the only way to actually experience it. 

You actually start out life as your own authority, as a baby and toddler, you are your own authority, but as we get older we start giving our authority away to parents, teachers, celebrities, politicians, you name it. And then boom, all autonomy is lost and its now in the hands of people that have no fuckin' clue whats going on. They're not thinking for themselves, they're relying on others authority and its an endless cycle of ignorance and brainwashed people. 

I mean its kind of sweet, we're all in this comfort bubble of lies. But hey, we're all in it together, that is until someone breaks out of the bubble and is able to look at what the bubble really is. He is able to observe what is going on in the bubble. And what he sees is so simple and its been there all along. After he wakes up, he says to himself "Of course, of course it is this way, how could it be any other way?" 

I see my ego sometimes puffing its chest out, flaunting his spiritual dominance over the rest of the people. This makes me cringe but at least I'm noticing it. I become arrogant sometimes as I've made real progress on the spiritual path over these past few weeks. Of course, what I've been experienced so far is NOTHING compared to what is coming around the corner and I know that. I look forward to it but I am also scared. What I have experienced so far are glimpses to awakening, but I am still in a DEEP SLEEP, I've just peeled back the curtain a couple of inches. 

 

The Gnat in my head

I describe the voice in my head like a gat. This gnat cannot be tamed, it roams wild and free inside of my mind. I used to try to not listen to him out of spite because hes so damn annoying and needy and he will never relax. Its honestly ridiculous. But... he is doing his job, he is keeping me alive, or at least he believes he is. The idea is to allow the gnat to do his thing, don't be affected by the gnat, he does not dictate your life, I can do whatever I want whenever I want, independent of what the gnat is doing. He will do what he does, allow him to BE. 

The Gnat is my father

The very interesting thing about this analogy is there is a DIRECT correlation between this gnat and my father. My believes that by throwing everything that hes anxious about on top of he belieeves that he is helping me with my survival. Of course, he is in a sense, for example, he helps me with the maintenance on my car (I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to maintaining a car) But then he will go overboard ad micromanage me and ask me if I've done certain things and thats where he oversteps his boundaries in my opinion. Anyways, the way to deal with him is to just observe his actions. He will always be anxious and needy, this is just in his nature. I feel bad or him, but hey hes alive and he enjoys life, he could enjoy it much more if he would learn to meditate and to observe his own mind, but this path isn't for everyone. Your job is to treat him like a little gnat, understand that he cannot control himself. Give him love, observe what hes doing and don't react emotionally to him, just observe. If you can of course. The thing I don't want you to do is suppress your emotions. Allow the emotions to run through you and if they compel you to say something, go ahead and say it. 

 

I am changing every single day, learning so much about myself and about the world. I am creating connections, understanding Truth, reading books, developing healthier relationships, stacking money, creating strategic ways of getting what Ben wants out of life. What I'm most impressed by is my ability to observe whats going on in my own psyche. That is the key, to be mindful at all times, no matter what I'm doing. 

One thing that I'm observing right now is my voice is saying taht I don't deserve the money that I'm getting. I can feel and see a roadblock there, as if theres a limitation to the financial abundance that I experience. I feel like I may be attached to the identity of being broke. Thats why I've been broke for so long with no way out. How am I going to grapple with this and get out of this hole that I've created and WHY on Earth do I feel like I don't deserve it? 

Harry Styles dreaming that he is acting on set of his own music video. The characters here are dream characters.  Is anyone on here awake, meaning aware that they are dreaming? I mean we wouldn't know would we? All we're seeing is appearance. And appearance as we know is false. 

 

I don't see a single journal on this forum actually engaging in getting out of this dream that we're in. You guys aren't doing shit. You're allowing your minds to vomit words onto the computer. Are you even aware of what you're saying? Do you have any real desire to discover Truth or are you content parroting someone else's beliefs. 

Funny, I am frustrated about this because my ego wants something to become upset about so that he feels a sense of purpose. What does it matter that other people aren't doing a Spiritual Autolysis journal? What the fuck do I care? 

SPOILER ALERT: It's like the movie momento, the main character in the movie is searching for the killer of his wife. You're rooting for him the entire time, you think he's this hero that is avenging his beloved. But what you learn at the end of the film is that he had already found and killed the killer of his wife, he even got it tattooed on his chest, "I did it" you also learn that his wife wasn't dead after the assault, she survived past that. He found the person that assaulted her while she was alive and killed him. Now here's where things get murky. He claims that he has short term memory loss from getting hit on the head during the assault of his wife, so he can't make new memories. Is this true, I have no idea, let's just say yes for now. He puts too much insulin in his wife because his memory is shot and that's what actually kills her. He killed his own wife. He is then in an insane asylum because of the short term memory loss but he escapes. That's when he starts again going after the killer of his wife. He finds another guy that he thinks is the killer and kills him. He has already killed the assaulter of his wife and he is now killing a second person because he "can't remember" killing the actual assaulter. Then, we get a glimpse as to what is going on in this mans crazy brain. After killing this guy, leonard denies that this was the guy that really assaulted his wife, and his friend who led him to him tells leonard that's what he said last time and that he's already killed the right guy, this is just another guy and he had hoped it would satisfy leonard but it did not. Leonard doesn't want to deal with this truth, so he decides to make himself track down the friend so that he can kill him. He leaves notes for himself that will lead him to believe that the friend is the assaulter of his wife. The notes are necessary because of the short term memory loss, he will not remember himself planning to kill his friend, he will have to solve the puzzle. What a manipulative fuck this guy is. And I was tricked into rooting for him throughout the movie. 

This man did not want to admit the truth to himself, so he concocted a story so that he could have purpose in life. Otherwise, for him there would be no reason to live. This is ego run a muck. This is a highly underdeveloped ego that is barbaric and primitive in nature, at a consciousness level below 100, which is barely human. 

Edited 7 hours ago by Spiritual Warrior