Spiritual Autolysis

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #82 ~ Thu May 21 '26 ~ 10:42 PM

I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why, season 1. This is a show that I come back to every few years.. but only season 1, the other seasons are atrocious and the people that made the next 3 seasons should be ashamed of themselves. Anyways... Hannah baker kills herself, that's what the shows about, she kills herself and she records these tapes that describe the 13 reasons why she kills herself. Each tape describes a certain person and a specific circumstance that leads to her demise. The interesting thing is yes a lot of shitty things happen to her, but she starts to curve into the unfortunateness of her life, as if she now wants the tragedy, she doesn't want her life to get better, her mind is somehow finding a way to enjoy the misery of it all. What an absolute mind fuck this is. And this is actually how the mind operates ( I believe.) 

Anyways.. the other thing I noticed is her self image starts to deteriorate because of all of the rumors going around the school about her, she is called a slut mostly which is completely underserved and messed up, she is called crazy, etc... but this, all of this is an image inside of her own head. She is driving herself insane with a fake image, a fabricated image of what people think about her. And guess what, the other people around here are also fabricated. Hold on a minute ben... What do you mean by that, the other characters are real characters, they are real people, real organisms, they're not fake. Oh yes they are. You just said the self image is a fabrication, therefore they're self image is also fake. The only thing real is pure awareness. That's pure awareness for me, for you, for everyone, etc.... pure awareness is all that there is. There is no separation between church and state, between human to human, between black and white, between computer and bed, between sheet and mattress, it's all pure awareness, pure consciousness, whatever the fuck you want to call it.. and these images that you have of people, they're not real. Your image of somebody else is also a fabrication, it's NOT what they truly are. Do you see that?

I know you see it but we have to get you to experience it. That is what you're missing and that is what Peter Ralstons books will help you with. 

Do something with your mind. It is completely running the show right now. But it doesn't matter actually. The problem in a real tangible sense is that your vision doesn't match.... Hold on a minute. 

It doesn't matter what you're doing. Nothing fuckin matters. Literally nothing. Whatever your vision is is what you're gonna get. If you want that then go get it. You can have it. If you want that, you can have that too. Stop worrying. Get your head out of your ass. Whatever to envision is what you will have. 

But I want englithenment. Give me enlightenment! Set my life up for enlightenment. Not girls. I don't give a fuck about girls. Truly I don't. I'll just have some nice casual sex with anyone as I just focus on my craft. I want to be an amazing dancer because this is what I've decided to be passionate about. You know why? Because of inspire me to be a better person, to reach for greater heights. And it pushes me every fuckin day. Every. Fuckin. Day. 

But I really do want Truth. And I want it soon. I want it within a year. Do you think I can do that? 

Yes, but you'd need to take time away from other things. 

Like what? 

Like competing. Stop worrying about competing. And most importantly stop worrying about girls. Sex will come to you when you're ready for it. You don't like sex that much. You don't. You'd rather do other things. That's awesome! Sex is not that important! That's a good thing that you don't salivate over it. Of course, I used to. Now I'm much more chill because I'm older and I can handle my business and I can stick up for myself. Cuz I'm that fuckin guy. And everybody's that guy. I fuck with everyone. But I can beat your ass. That's the mentality of a masculine man. I don't care what you think of me. There's nothing you can say that is going to hurt me. Aidos 

Lower Self: I am pure awareness. The Truth is pure awareness.

Higher self: So this means pure awareness is everywhere and everything? Without boundaries? 

Lower self: What do you mean? What are boundaries? 

Higher Self: Boundaries are what keeps things inside. Inside a glass bowl. 

Lower self: Do I need the glass bowl? 

Higher Self: You tell me. Do you need it? 

Lower self: Yeah... As a matter of fact I do. If I break the glass bowl then I will die. And guess what I don't wanna die. 

Why don't you want to die? What's wrong with dying? 

Dying is awful, it's cruel, it's monstrous.

Why though? Why are you afraid of it?

Like really. What is there to be afraid of? What could you possibly lose? You are NO ONE. 

But I am somebody. I'm Ben. I m fuckin Ben. They know me by Ben. And they give a fuck about what goes on in my life. 

Do they really though. And who are they? Right now they're just a picture in your head. What does that tell you? Riddle me that. 

It tells me that I am on planet earth and I am a man. And I don't want to go to sleep. I can't deal with this abstract bull shit. I'm a human. I'm a little ass human that can't handle anything. That's why I need comfort. I crave comfort. And seeing people and meeting people is the death of me. I hate meeting new girls. Because they scare me. And I know I'll probably fall in love with one of them and then they'll break my heart or I'll break hers. And then we'll both be sad. So like what's the point? What's the point of dating if I'm just gonna get heartbroken? 

You're triggered. What do you want? Would you like to stay triggered. Or would you like to get out of that head space.... Because you can get out of it if you want. If you want to continue to punish yourself, then you do that as well. 

You do you man. You do you. 

Okay now give me something that's true. But give me something new. I've tried a bite out of the pure awareness muffin and it was tasty, don't get it twisted. But now we've got to move onto greater pastures and greater heights. 

Consciousness is all that there is. 

Okay, I've heard that one before, that means it must be worth a listen, right? 

Yes, that's exactly what that means, just follow the herd. And don't look back. 

Whatever man, let's take a look at what consciousness is, shall we... It is everything. It is everything. 

At times I start freaking out. I can't help it. I think that Im dying. Why don't you get closer to death. Seriously. Get even closer.

 No! I'm scared! I don't wanna die! And you're scaring me now. 

What are you scared of ? You're a grown ass man. You can handle fuckin' business. 

Yeah but not death. You're asking me to confront death.. see you don't understand what it's like to be in my shoes. 

If my father died, I would be at peace with it. If my mother died, I would be at peace. 

What if you're sister got raped and killed? And the guy was your best friend? Could you accept reality if that's what happened? What about the rape of Nanking, what if you were one of the girls being raped over and over again? What does it feel like to get raped? What do you think it feels like. Try to imagine it. It would feel like I have no control. I have to surrender no matter what. Is this what's its like to get fucked? What about you though, you are doing the fucking, aren't you? What does that feel like? 

It feels like I'm the man because my dick is inside of her. I am implanting my seed into the Earth, or at least that's how it feels. But I am afraid of sex. I have to be SOOOOO comfortable with someone for me to actually have sex with them .

My true nature is that of Spirit. My Spirit will forever live on as my body decays and dies. I don't have my own life right now, that's what is not ideal right now because I'm living at my mom's house AND I can't leave the house whenever I want, that's what's frustrating. At the same time, the time off that I've gotten has been an absolute gift from the Universe. I have figured out so many things in my life and I really look forward to seeing how these things get integrated when I go back to work and business as usual. 

The biggest thing that I've realized is that I want to be Truth realized. I just want Truth, without a fuckin' doubt. 

And I'm working towards that while also letting go, as to not allow myself to make myself feel guilty for this or for that. Allow the Universe to take you on a ride. 

Another thing that happened to me last night; so I was up late, eating snacks and not sleeping. I took an edible and whenever I do that, I go down a path where I am slouched in my bed and on my phone for HOURS. I try not to use any electronics past 11 pm, but sometimes I just don't care enough and. I don't abide by that rule. It's important not to force yourself,remember you're not really in control because there's no one there to Be in control, see that? 

Anyways, I cant wait to start stacking money by using Doordash. I think I can be really strategic with it and get the job done. 

It's hard to focus on Truth when I'm stressed out about survival. Like I have no fuckin money and I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to pay my rent. 

Is this every going to go away? Honestly, probably not, unless I can change my paradigm surrounding it. This might be started by reading "It's not about the money" which takes a look at the different archetypes of financial mindsets. For example, there's the saver, always saving, or the penny pincher, always pinching pennies no matter how wealthy he is. 

The truth that we believe about the universe is just a hunch. Without a direct experience into the nature of reality, nothing is proven, nothing is known. You are in a state of not- knowing because you truly do not know. If you did know then you wouldnt be asking. You wouldn't be writing in this journal. So... What is Truth? What is it? 

Truth is consciousness. Just consciousness. Which equates to awareness. Which equates to live. Love? What does love have to do with anything? Love is just an emotion. 

Then why do I feel a sense of Love during times of peace and bliss. There is no other word for it. It's Love. It's Absolute love. When you can turn off your brain, you experience a state of Love. I experienced a state of Love. 

I just did a 20 minute meditation session and oh my God my mind is ridiculously stubborn. It does not want to sit still. And I came out of that session feeling the best I've felt in days. Meditation is CRUCIAL. 

Edited 16 hours ago by Spiritual Warrior

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #83 ~ Sat May 23 '26 ~ 7:54 AM

Okay, so another human being ( or myself) is a real organism, they are a real entity in a relative sense. We can't argue with that. But when looking for Absolute TRUTH, which encapsulates everything inside of itself, that's where relative truths fall flat. For example, this girl that I am thinking of, I can describe her in different ways than another person would describe her. Also, take she has blonde hair, someone else might say that it's light brown or dirty blonde and boom there you have it, it's a relative truth. You also have different languages for blonde, in French, it's not called blonde, in Spanish, it's not called blonde, it's called something else... Boom relative truth. 

So what were trying to do here is write down something that is ACTUALLY true, not something that can be argued or disputed. So what is something that you can count on without a doubt in your tiny little brain? 

I can count on the fact that I am aware of my current experience. I am HERE. I am present. I am ABLE to see things and hear things, etc. now what I'm seeing can be relative. I could see the color red in front of me, but a blind person just sees black and a color blind person might see orange while I see red. Therefore, the Truth does not lie within WHAT I'm seeing, it lies within the ability to see. 

This is an abstract notion because there's nothing to grasp onto here. This Truth is boundless, it doesn't have a location and I cannot grasp it with knowledge or intellect, it's just something that is here, right in front of me. But there's something missing, it's as if I understand it conceptually but I'm missing the experience of it. 

I'm also scared to let go of the relative truths that I hold so near and dear. But do I have to let them go? They're still relative truths. They're not going anywhere... 

"Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water."

Honesty: a more honest look at the truth of something is what we're looking for. This goes for anything, try to be as truthful as you possibly can when it comes to your perceptions about reality and the world at large

Authentic experience: an authentic experience is what we are after. This authentic experience is awakening, it is enlightenment. In order to get here, we need to exhibit honesty

Grounded openness: In order to achieve enlightenment, I must be open to a very real experience of the Truth. This is accompanied by a grounded-ness that grounds is in reality, grounds is in what is True, grounds us in the pursuit of Truth, and also grounds us in the reality that this body, this ego needs to be fed, it needs to survive. For example, I am not going to be open to that grizzly bear maybe being friendly, no... I am grounded in the fact that that grizzly bear is dangerous and I should stay far away from it. 

Questioning: 

I am not the voice, I am the space in which the voice is heard.

The voice inside of my head, I'm going to call him Ben. He is scared. He is terrified. He thinks that I am trying to kill him. But I'm not trying to kill him, there is space for him in this vast, boundless Truth that I am driving towards like a madman. And I will treat him like a terrified little child. I will coddle him during this trip so that he embraces what his true nature is. This voice is a part of the Nothingness void. He is not separate from it. And I have to integrate him into it with me. 

The human ego, the personality, the "Ben" character, cannot live in the Absolute. It belongs to the relative world. It thrives in the world of friendships, jobs, hikes, and dogs. But this vast Absolute Nothingness encapsulates absolutely everything, therefore he is part of the Absolute yet he really doesn't belong in a relative sense.

I will continue down this path with the utmost devotion. I will give up everything I know and love if I have to. NOTHING matters besides truth. I only pay the rent so that I can pursue Truth. And I will not stop until I get what I came here for. The funny thing is, the relative world continues to rotate even though my perception is that of the Absolute Truth. Do you see that? Nothing is actually going to change in a real tangible sense. Because the Truth is already there, its right in front of you, so what on Earth would change? 

Further is the name of the game, its not helpful to take a look back at past entries, just keep moving forward, that is all that matters until you reach a special place called "Done." Then I will look back at the journey that I've taken and laugh becasue the Truth was there all along, so why did it cause such a big fuss?

It is eye opening however to see that this dream self does need attention. He is and will always be alive in the relative sense. Just because you understand adn perceive things differently doesn't mean that he can be ignored, he still has needs, he needs to eat, he needs to fuck, he needs to pee and poop, he needs to feel fulfilled. I like that you are starting to create separation from him. Because you are NOT him, I mean you are, but you are really something so much bigger and brighter and infinitely more magical than a human being that has limited capabilities, strengths and weaknesses, etc. 

I am starting to see the limitations of living this way though, of living just for Ben, it is a hollow form of living, one thats thoughts are occupied by girls and petty things that I'm annoyed with. I want my thought patterns to be above that, but I AM NOT settling for some spiritual comforts. NOOOO. I want Truth and I will not settle for anything but. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Spiritual Warrior