Spiritual Autolysis

[Spiritual Warrior]

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #82 ~ Thu May 21 '26 ~ 10:42 PM

I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why, season 1. This is a show that I come back to every few years.. but only season 1, the other seasons are atrocious and the people that made the next 3 seasons should be ashamed of themselves. Anyways... Hannah baker kills herself, that's what the shows about, she kills herself and she records these tapes that describe the 13 reasons why she kills herself. Each tape describes a certain person and a specific circumstance that leads to her demise. The interesting thing is yes a lot of shitty things happen to her, but she starts to curve into the unfortunateness of her life, as if she now wants the tragedy, she doesn't want her life to get better, her mind is somehow finding a way to enjoy the misery of it all. What an absolute mind fuck this is. And this is actually how the mind operates ( I believe.) 

Anyways.. the other thing I noticed is her self image starts to deteriorate because of all of the rumors going around the school about her, she is called a slut mostly which is completely underserved and messed up, she is called crazy, etc... but this, all of this is an image inside of her own head. She is driving herself insane with a fake image, a fabricated image of what people think about her. And guess what, the other people around here are also fabricated. Hold on a minute ben... What do you mean by that, the other characters are real characters, they are real people, real organisms, they're not fake. Oh yes they are. You just said the self image is a fabrication, therefore they're self image is also fake. The only thing real is pure awareness. That's pure awareness for me, for you, for everyone, etc.... pure awareness is all that there is. There is no separation between church and state, between human to human, between black and white, between computer and bed, between sheet and mattress, it's all pure awareness, pure consciousness, whatever the fuck you want to call it.. and these images that you have of people, they're not real. Your image of somebody else is also a fabrication, it's NOT what they truly are. Do you see that?

I know you see it but we have to get you to experience it. That is what you're missing and that is what Peter Ralstons books will help you with. 

Do something with your mind. It is completely running the show right now. But it doesn't matter actually. The problem in a real tangible sense is that your vision doesn't match.... Hold on a minute. 

It doesn't matter what you're doing. Nothing fuckin matters. Literally nothing. Whatever your vision is is what you're gonna get. If you want that then go get it. You can have it. If you want that, you can have that too. Stop worrying. Get your head out of your ass. Whatever to envision is what you will have. 

But I want englithenment. Give me enlightenment! Set my life up for enlightenment. Not girls. I don't give a fuck about girls. Truly I don't. I'll just have some nice casual sex with anyone as I just focus on my craft. I want to be an amazing dancer because this is what I've decided to be passionate about. You know why? Because of inspire me to be a better person, to reach for greater heights. And it pushes me every fuckin day. Every. Fuckin. Day. 

But I really do want Truth. And I want it soon. I want it within a year. Do you think I can do that? 

Yes, but you'd need to take time away from other things. 

Like what? 

Like competing. Stop worrying about competing. And most importantly stop worrying about girls. Sex will come to you when you're ready for it. You don't like sex that much. You don't. You'd rather do other things. That's awesome! Sex is not that important! That's a good thing that you don't salivate over it. Of course, I used to. Now I'm much more chill because I'm older and I can handle my business and I can stick up for myself. Cuz I'm that fuckin guy. And everybody's that guy. I fuck with everyone. But I can beat your ass. That's the mentality of a masculine man. I don't care what you think of me. There's nothing you can say that is going to hurt me. Aidos 

Lower Self: I am pure awareness. The Truth is pure awareness.

Higher self: So this means pure awareness is everywhere and everything? Without boundaries? 

Lower self: What do you mean? What are boundaries? 

Higher Self: Boundaries are what keeps things inside. Inside a glass bowl. 

Lower self: Do I need the glass bowl? 

Higher Self: You tell me. Do you need it? 

Lower self: Yeah... As a matter of fact I do. If I break the glass bowl then I will die. And guess what I don't wanna die. 

Why don't you want to die? What's wrong with dying? 

Dying is awful, it's cruel, it's monstrous.

Why though? Why are you afraid of it?

Like really. What is there to be afraid of? What could you possibly lose? You are NO ONE. 

But I am somebody. I'm Ben. I m fuckin Ben. They know me by Ben. And they give a fuck about what goes on in my life. 

Do they really though. And who are they? Right now they're just a picture in your head. What does that tell you? Riddle me that. 

It tells me that I am on planet earth and I am a man. And I don't want to go to sleep. I can't deal with this abstract bull shit. I'm a human. I'm a little ass human that can't handle anything. That's why I need comfort. I crave comfort. And seeing people and meeting people is the death of me. I hate meeting new girls. Because they scare me. And I know I'll probably fall in love with one of them and then they'll break my heart or I'll break hers. And then we'll both be sad. So like what's the point? What's the point of dating if I'm just gonna get heartbroken? 

You're triggered. What do you want? Would you like to stay triggered. Or would you like to get out of that head space.... Because you can get out of it if you want. If you want to continue to punish yourself, then you do that as well. 

You do you man. You do you. 

Okay now give me something that's true. But give me something new. I've tried a bite out of the pure awareness muffin and it was tasty, don't get it twisted. But now we've got to move onto greater pastures and greater heights. 

Consciousness is all that there is. 

Okay, I've heard that one before, that means it must be worth a listen, right? 

Yes, that's exactly what that means, just follow the herd. And don't look back. 

Whatever man, let's take a look at what consciousness is, shall we... It is everything. It is everything. 

At times I start freaking out. I can't help it. I think that Im dying. Why don't you get closer to death. Seriously. Get even closer.

 No! I'm scared! I don't wanna die! And you're scaring me now. 

What are you scared of ? You're a grown ass man. You can handle fuckin' business. 

Yeah but not death. You're asking me to confront death.. see you don't understand what it's like to be in my shoes. 

If my father died, I would be at peace with it. If my mother died, I would be at peace. 

What if you're sister got raped and killed? And the guy was your best friend? Could you accept reality if that's what happened? What about the rape of Nanking, what if you were one of the girls being raped over and over again? What does it feel like to get raped? What do you think it feels like. Try to imagine it. It would feel like I have no control. I have to surrender no matter what. Is this what's its like to get fucked? What about you though, you are doing the fucking, aren't you? What does that feel like? 

It feels like I'm the man because my dick is inside of her. I am implanting my seed into the Earth, or at least that's how it feels. But I am afraid of sex. I have to be SOOOOO comfortable with someone for me to actually have sex with them .

I don't even look at them. They're not worth my time. I get in and I get out. 

Edited 5 hours ago by Spiritual Warrior