Chaos to Clarity... Exposing Myself

[withinUverse]

Alright I’m ready to purge some thoughts about I guess my romantic side of life.  So I repeat a lot and honestly I’m not sure what I share at times either.  That’s the thing the omission sometimes is an approach that I find myself doing.  I have this dial on how I engage and I turn it up at times and turn it down at times.  It’s not an on and off switch but how I see it feels like it depends on who I’m engaging with.  And I guess I want to again mention that we have our own personal way of understanding in many varieties.  And in my case with romance it’s definitely not the norm at least I assume since i don’t run into many who share the same stories or experiences however, I also see myself being selective at what I share… so possibly some are doing the same.  And in some ways I do share similar experiences… So let’s just turn that dial up a bit and just let all the things roll out.  It seems apparent this is something I’m working on heavily right now and it feels good to let it out.  This space has become a place where I want to be as vulnerable as I can be at this time. And if it sounds crazy… who the fuck cares… this is my experience of it. And I guess I’ll start with memory and follow with direct experience currently.  

I’ll just remind us that ceremonies for me is very powerful and influential.  There is a man who reoccurs in my ceremonies… I try to reason this and explain it like 85% of my ceremonies I will receive messages about him.  It motivates me.  I am motivated by sharing a romantic experience it seems.  Honestly I am motivated by different things.. but it was a surprise how strongly I’m motivated by sharing romantic love.  However since ceremonies continues to give me messages in this way… this is something I am wanting to manifest in my life and I can make changes to eventually experience this.  Everything ties together but this seems to be a trigger that inspires and motivates and I’ve changed a lot from it… so yes this is a major way of elevating my conscious levels is to one day experience this.  And the constant messages of patience and worth the wait. So it is not as challenging but I do still find myself testing this.  How I see it is purging out more of the built up toxicity I might still have stored in me.  And memory helps me continue patterns and how to approach differently.   And testing whether I’m understanding the messages correctly.  It has been around 3 and a half years since an Aya ceremony and so this is the longest absence of such strong emotional persuasions.  But this distance changes the impact I guess is how I explain it.  The memory is there but its potency isn’t so easily influential with this space.  All of these things I want to mention are rolling in my mind and I’m wondering how to express it fully and in the sequence that will make sense but it’s just not the way I want to share it at this time I guess… we’ll see.  

But there are layers and layers of memory that are popping into my mind and so I do feel like it’s a good time to purge this out even though I’ve been thinking about this often and I guess thinking it often isn’t helping me purge… it festers it I guess… and expressing it does seem to relieve the fester.  So what’s festering at this time?  I have two old friends that I’m spending time with this summer and they know about this man.  And I find when I’m talking to them they both used the word obsession to me when it comes to him.  One was straight out saying that and one stopped herself when saying it but it was still there.  And how do I feel when they use this word in regards to him.  I feel like first of all they don’t understand my relationship… they haven’t experienced ceremonies and the power it can have… I haven’t been able to communicate clearly because of their response when I try to share… but obsession… it does sound like its a toxic relationship… it’s an insincere relationship… it’s as if I’m needy and are automatically running a record without trying different approaches and perspectives… it feels like there is a misinterpretation on honor, respect, devotion… I want to look at their relationships and question if their opinion should be valid in the first place.  

And I guess I’m going to rant a little bit.  They are both unhappy when it comes to romantic relationships. One has settled and has been constantly battling her partner and whether they are truly a fit.  They have a son and he’s 16 now but I don’t even remember hearing how happy she is with him and it’s almost like her job or something… something she has to deal with because it’s just how it is… and my other friend seems to be more on the needy and possessive side when it comes to relationships… and I hope it doesn’t sound like I don’t absolutely love and respect my friends opinion… in fact that’s probably why it’s irksome to me right now.  But honestly the weight I place on their words can probably be adjusted.  I have been watching how they react when it comes to people in our home town.  It seems very immature and unconscious.  We happen to have a small little festival going on and they wanted to go and invited me to join them.  We ran into some classmates who we haven’t really seen in 25 years.  Our approach is definitely different and I guess it’s always been different.  I was the class president and I enjoy people and so when I recognized someone I smiled and said hello with their name and looked at them… most of the time I was talking and engaging and at times it was just in passing.  But they had comments that I could hear.  They were like oh this seems like old times… everyone loves you and is wanting my attention and seems like we all have been keeping in touch for all this time.  And they don’t even know they exist.  It’s like no one remembers we all went to school together. Everyone wants to be around me but ignore them.  It was a bit annoying and I felt like it was a bit childish.  And they were mentioning how if they do run into people that they wouldn’t care as long as they are friendly.  And I’m like that is what they want from you too.  It goes both ways.  I mean they are standing back giggling and making these comments behind our backs and how comfortable and inviting and friendly is that?  They want to say they don’t want it to be like high school and cliche but damn…. Look at your behavior?  You want to go and to find people to watch them?  To judge them?  Not to engage with them and see what the hell has been happening with them for the past 25 years.  Or how they are today even…. And its not like they are even interested in people just want to talk about them and talk about how they were treated and confirms why they don’t enjoy their time with our classmates. We ran into my other friend who I was really close with growing up.  There has been a fall out between her and the two I was with but when I saw her… I straight away went to her… and it was interesting because I found myself much more comfortable with her.  I instantly went and pinched her in her booty and gave her a big hug.  I wouldn’t even think about doing this with the other two.  I mean I give big hugs for one of them… but the other it’s like I have to open my arms and see if my hug is welcomed or accepted or if this is uncomfortable for her.  So yeah I definitely noticed that I’m much more comfortable with the third.  And it makes sense.  I was closer with her and it seems like its the same thing from back in the days there are levels of comfort with the three.  I guess I don’t know where I am with people now but I get messages to how I respond. So I guess I shouldn’t be putting much value in their words at this time… specifically the word obsession in a romantic manner. 

So I’m just going to just say it… right now I feel so strong and sexy right now… hehe… I have been taking care of my outer beauty this year. I’ve been focusing on my scalp health and my skin… and it is really affecting my attraction level for myself.  I mean I feel like I’ve always had confidence but it does seem to be boosting since I’ve been finding a routine for these areas.  It seems like it’s becoming a form of wellness ritual and the repetition is rhythmic and effective.  Most of the money I’ve been making have been in this, and yeah it’s affecting me.  I’m also working as a stage hand at a concert this summer and it’s physical.  And I feel strong when I’m working. I also see that I’m not as flexible as I’d like and I’ve been noticing the desire to fucking all out dance at times… hehe… I go to drum circles and dance is sometimes involved and its like I’m half-asking it which helps to some extent but again that dial keeps playing and I just want to dance at full throttle but I find myself on low mode… I see at low mode people still enjoy my dancing… I get people always commenting on it and I can’t help myself thinking to myself like… if you like this I wonder how you feel when I actually put my heart and full energy into it?  This is just a nibble of my dancing… and it’s not like I’m acrobatic or anything… but dance is powerful and I’m wondering if I should get some classes in Polynesian dance again or possibly find some belly dancing or African dance?  Something more expressive and full body… and actually sensual really is drawn to me when I want to move my body.  I think I’ll look into this a bit… even a few classes will be satisfying and something my body is craving at this.  Craving… hehe… gosh I guess I am finding myself craving touch at this time.  When I wrote last time about Awakening was more focused on sight and observation as if I was seeing for the first time and noticed that I was uncertain if it felt like it was like I touched for the first time.  When I thought about touch… the memory of touching the guy I was trying to open up to last winter was far more powerful than the ceremony touching my hands and torso… the time I was on the couch and I was touching his hands for the first time with a guy I was hoping to engage romantically with was powerful and memorable.  I started touching my own hands and it feels like a good sensation but I felt like it was more electrified when touching someone else.  And not just anyone… I use to love to touch and thought it was my love language, but found that I don’t touch as much anymore… but I still do just in limited manner and not always does it electrify my body because it’s all in different situations.  They thing I remember is that couch moment was intense for me but also it was in a setting that wasn’t ideal there was no privacy but it was memorable.  And I guess I have to admit that we shared moments of fore play that completely buzzed my entire body… it felt intoxicating… I could barely walk or think when we stopped briefly to make dinner for guests and staff… and again its memorable and powerful. Not that I want to share that experience with him again… but craving that intensity and intoxication does seem to be calling for me. 

So I’ve been trying to open myself to sensual experiences in the past year and trying to approach differently than being celibate waiting for the Man… I’ve reached out and felt like I have tried to peruse him but it’s not received. And yeah I guess I want to go to the obsession thing again.  Am I obsessed?  I feel like I’ve tried to not completely overwhelm him… I’ve known him for 8 years…and I do find myself reaching out to him more when I’m in ceremonies… I’m getting such powerful emotions that I find myself reaching out.  And I find the power to think I will be patient I will wait… I leaned toward celibacy… I didn’t want to confuse anybody.. lol… confuse anybody… it is so very confusing… hehe… and it turns simplicity to complexity and when it comes to reading his response it become why in the hell have I gotten messages about you?  Who the hell are you anyway?  You don’t express you’re not vulnerable you’re not open you’re judging and closed off… why do I get message about you specifically? These are not qualities I desire with a romantic partner… this is completely the opposite… why do I need the opposite to motivate me? Again I’ve seen myself push people away regardless of how I feel the uncertainty to be completely open and vulnerable and able to be more hurtful with the ones I love the most… and so this plays into my reasoning of an unreasonable circumstance.  And I’m the pursuer which also seems to be frustrating for me… and I’m switching that up… aren’t I?  I found myself talking to one of my girlfriends… and we were talking about the Swedish guy and how he keeps asking me to come and visit him.  He invites me to join him in Sweden and he’s going to Columbia in November and said he’d like to share time with me.  He says he’s thinking about his future differently and is hinting to me that he might be interested to see where we might be together.  But I find myself emphasizing that I’m not pursuing a romantic relationship right now… that I prefer friendship… but I also see myself omitting the full truth.  And that was something I was noticing… that the Man it doesn’t matter how crazy anything sounds… I want to be completely vulnerable and honest… when I’m talking to the Swedish man I find myself dialing and tuning all of the dials… it’s more strategic and reasonable.  I keep wanting to entertain the idea of going to visit him but it’s not like it feels like a Calling… when I hear about different experiences sometimes I’m just Yes and when I hear from him it’s not an instant Yes but it is something that I think… well maybe it would be good for me… maybe I should see what happens… but I was expressing something like this to my friend and I had to admit that regardless of what’s reasonable… my Yes is the Man regardless of how unreasonable and how crazy and uncertain it is and regardless of the non-reciprocal manner this relationship is at this time.  He is ever-present in my decisions.  A few days later I stopped following the Man’s social media account.  And she asked me why… and I told her trust… trust in the Universe… and honestly I don’t want to continue to chase.  I feel like this is what I have been doing regardless if it’s an obsessive way or not… I wanted to let him know that I don’t forget about him just by being friends with him and watching his stories and liking his photography.  I even try not to like too many things even though I enjoy his videography and photographs… but I felt like I was always hovering to make a presence to remind him that I exist.  But he doesn’t need to be hovering over me for him to be present.  So gain more space and distance of being so available.  If he doesn’t understand by now that I”m curious and interested in him then he’s a rock… hehe… nothing against rocks but still… so my attempt right now is to gain more space and trust the Universe to guide me in this situation.  And I guess that’s what’s happening now.  

I’m entertaining ideas and the Universe is answering.  How is the Universe answering… but not giving me the opportunity to entertain my ideas… hehe…. I guess the first time recently this happened was for the hostel manager position.  Before I found out that they chose another manager… I saw all the benefits of being manager but then I started thinking oh shit… if I get this position then I’m going to be more available to be with the owner who he and I had those memorable sexual experience of touch but I don’t want to pursue him romantically anymore… but if I get this position is it because I’m suppose to give him another chance?  I don’t want another chance… do I?  And then the Universe says No… you’re not going to be manager and you don’t have to have a closer relationship with him at this time.  Don’t worry… this is not for you.  And I guess the next is when I was talking about the Swedish guy with my girlfriend as I was talking I was confirming that this is not the relationship I’m looking for as well… even though I continue to entertain the ideas that maybe… I just don’t have these feelings… I do approach him differently because I haven’t told him about the Man and I wonder why I don’t… but it is something I will bring up the next time he wants to talk about my romantic relationships… if it is someone I want to continue a relationship then the crazy is going to have to come out and see how it goes.  So actually I don’t think the Universe has given me a No for him yet… but I do wonder if I’m giving myself an option for a settling opportunity that would be more comfortable and safe?  Gosh that sounds terrible in my opinion… geesh… this is a No as well… this is not what I’m looking for as well.  So I said I’m working at the concert center and I have to admit I feel like this position is sexy… hehe… I feel strong being physical and its sweaty and I have tons of men who are working hard and sweating around me and it’s hot! I notice guys checking me out and some that are trying to approach me in a manner more than friendship and I see how I respond.  Friendship zone mostly… but there has been a young man that seem to perk me up a bit.  It’s strange how sexual attraction occurs and why… I don’t ever talk to him so it’s not like there was a friendship that started… it was intensity in the eyes… hehe… I mostly look at people in their eyes and with him there was just this intensity or chemistry… something that I felt like… oooh who are you?  And I seem to not mind looking into your eyes with such intensity.  And of course I start to observe… he’s a younger man… works hard, strong, quiet, kind but not overtly… ok does he have a girlfriend?  I mean to me… I didn’t think he did because he was giving me those eyes and it looked like an invitation and there are some couples at work… some that are quite obvious and some not so much.  And he is a couple that wasn’t so obvious but I started to watch that oh yeah… he’s with her…. And there goes my entertaining mind.  Hmmm… I wonder if they have an open relationship?  I don’t want to take over their time but a few moments once in a while… hehe… I guess that craving for electricity moments is something I was entertaining with him.  So is this something I can pursue Universe?  And it is a No… hehe… literally the evening I was driving to the shift about entertaining to pursue possibly…. this shift showed obviously that his girl has noticed the intensity eye conversation going on… hehe… he immediately looked down and away anytime I was close and she seemed to be obviously next to him at all times now… hehe… she was claiming her territory and he was being submissive and was obviously showing her that he is going to display that I am not someone he’s pursuing.  Ok… question answered… hehe… they are not in an open relationship… got it.  I’ve been put into her same department the last few shifts and I’ve attempted to show her that I’m not a bad guy.. and she even had to admit that I’m not bad… she mentioned that I’ve got queen qualities… yeah don’t worry sweatheart… it was just an intense eye exchange that I was curious about and even thought possibly to entertain but I can see this is not something I’ll pursue.  

Ha! It seems like the more not so obvious couples seem to be becoming more obvious now… hehe… there is a buddy who is from my hometown who he and I started at the same time two summers ago.  We had the same person tell us about the position and carpooled the first season.  I haven’t seen him since the first summer but we are friendly… sometimes that happens when we have similar history of even just being from the same small town.  But he and his new girl where in the same department with me last night.  And I was shooting the shit with him from time to time… and she was very uncomfortable with that.  She was trying to be abrupt with me and that’s fine but I’m sorry… I’m not pursuing him but I am still going to talk and be friendly… he’s on my list to watch… I can see working with him eventually in some manner… we did carpool one day and I got a little of the background on their relationship and they had recently broken up… she broke it off.. and it looks like they are on their second attempt… I mean this must have started again within the week so fresh and I could also notice my buddy acting a bit different as well.  It’s nice to see these young men confirming to the ladies they are interested in that I’m not a romantic partner… I respect that, but I also know that my buddy knows this about us and also probably knows her insecurity shouldn’t exist with our relationship… but again… I do trigger awareness in areas that might be something we can explore in ourselves at times.  Eventually I got to the point that we are from the same town when I was talking to another coworker to hint to her that this is how we know each other… I know his family and I listen to what’s going on in his life and I’m just being friendly and familiar because that is our relationship… nothing romantic… but are you really deserving of this young man?  I’m not convinced of this yet… but let’s see how this continues.  

Alright and now the next entertaining of thought is a guy who I went on a date with to a haunted house last fall.  It was setup like an actual date.. hehe… I hadn’t had a date in soooo long.  We definitely established that it wasn’t going to go anywhere and we randomly talk from time to time, but it’s mostly trying to get a caving trip lined up to share again.  In fact he’s coming to the Labor Day weekend shindig so we’ll see how it goes.  And my mind is wondering how it will go as well.  We played around together and it was fun… there was no buzzing or electricity and I did tell him that I’m not going to have intercourse with him… which for some reason I think makes him want me more.  I guess I can relate to the feeling of wanting something that we can’t have at this time.  Why?  I know there are many answers to why but why is that attractive to being told no at times?  Challenge? If it’s too easily available is it not attractive? I know I notice when someone seems to eager. Do we have to work for it to be attracted or attractive? This is a temporary thing though right? At the beginning stage of attraction there is a little resistance? But anyway we were making all the permit arrangements for the caving trip lined up and he asked if I was working the concert last night.  And I told him I was and he said he was thinking about going.  And I told him I could come early to hangout with him.  It had been a long time since I watched a concert.  I had to go teach my first djembe lesson for my drum troupe to a new community who is going to learn and teach our songs.  And said I’d check back later.  And as I was driving I was running through my mind the conversation I would have with him… again I’m not looking for a deep relationship with him but I could entertain the playing aspect… When I returned he said he’s been partying all weekend and cannot find the motivation to get out of the house… and I chuckled and said… that’s fine and thank you Universe… I see the answer is No.  But there’s still the upcoming weekend where we’ll be at the hostel together not alone together but still have time to spend and so we’ll just see how it goes.  I rented out the Tower which sleeps 13 people and so I’m trying to get people to share the sleeping space and of course he said if I’d like to share a bed with him… he’d be down.  Cuddling doesn’t sound bad and I see myself going back and forth whether to or not but I’m not finalizing any decisions until we get down there and see how the sleeping arrangements will unfold. I’m starting to finally get some ladies to join so I’m hoping there’s a healthy mix of masculine and feminine energies… with the females joining… I feel like the females will share the beds and men will get their own bunks and couples their own beds as well. 

So why do I not get a No from the Universe when it comes the Man?  I was introduced to tarot a long time ago and I thought it was nonsense originally.  But then reintroduced back to me after my first set of ceremonies and I was getting introduced to the concept of twin flames.  Again many will think this as silly but I could relate.. and I’m not saying everything that everyone says to the tee is what I resonate with, but that’s not how I approach tarot anyway.  I’ve been listening for 8 years now and my relationship has changed within this time.  Before me shift last night I even heard stop trying for the little fish and go for the big fish… hehe… and I’m like I tried the big fish… the big fish doesn’t want me to catch him…. And really God damn it… I’m the big fish and he’s not interested in the big fish… he prefers the little fish to me… hehe… but again I entertain… can I entertain or pursue a few little fish?  Or am I going to continue to get No’s?  Am I going to continue to ignore my memory of the little fish experience and the piece of enjoyment of sensations but don’t I want the whole sha-bang? I know I want the whole shabang but it’s not in my experience at this time so I’m not ready for it? I know that there are a lot of changes I’ve been doing for myself that is definitely helpful for attracting and any sooner would not have been good either.  And I see how attractive I feel right now… but there is still something I am working on that I’m not seeing as clearly.  I wonder if it’s the desensitizing the sensual sensations and desires?  I have removed it from my life but I see in other areas of my life that I might be doing similar choices but for different reasons.  I’ve seen myself block people and waiting for the Universe to allow our next conversation… and I started to see that this is what I want to do with this Man… I blocked myself from being the one to reach out and remove myself from his presence and trust the Universe will play out the way it will be.  And I’ll just continue to entertain and listen… it seems like I get some answers fairly quickly and I do find this all pretty entertaining in a way as well.  

My retired buddies from Colorado has invited me to join them for a week in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico at the end of October that again I’m entertaining. My past landlord buddy is looking for a new location in Mexico to have since his place in Cabo is being bought out. And my past carpenter boss has been spending winters in Puerto Vallarta for decades now.  I enjoy these guys but I know they’re going to be drinking a lot and that doesn’t sound so fun to me.  But my old boss has a sail boat and that does have a draw to it.  I guess he proposed to his Mexican girlfriend… I asked if there is a wedding soon? Experiencing a Mexican wedding sounds like a lot of fun.. was talking about deep sea diving with a friend which led me to wanting to dive in cenotes in Mexico… and so I am entertaining this a little more than anything else right now… I could see possibly a wedding but sailing, diving in cenotes in Mexico does sound like fun… if I’m heading south that makes me think about why not just going to Columbia while I’m at it… visit my Swedish friend, but then it brings me back to… if I’m that close to the Peru… can I go ahead and go back to the jungle before I fully integrate my messages from last time? I miss the jungle and the community and ceremonies… maybe I could use a bit of inspiration, direction and motivation soon.  Hmmm… maybe Mexico is calling… I’ll have to listen and feel out more… I wasn’t sure if I was wanting to spend back to back winters here in Indiana… specifically at my pops house that doesn’t have running water or heat… it’s not comfortable managing this situation; however, I love the solitary time and I haven’t been losing myself into my projects lately and I gain value in this but I also understand this is theoretical comfort and allowing the Universe to show me an alternative route might be something that is pointing towards Mexico at this time?  Alright… I’ll be open to this… see how much money I can save up at this time… and possibly where I can find different avenues of income possibly as well?  Let’s see… ok that felt good to purge a bit out.  Going to eat some lunch and I’m wanting to get out into the woods and fields today to gather some native wildflowers to add to my dad’s property for next year. Ok.. until next time please enjoy ourselves!

[withinUverse]

Oh wow!  That last entry triggered something for me… hehe… I barely could sleep last night because I started to entertain the idea of going to visit my friends and making my way down South.  It was crazy… it wasn’t really hitting me at first it took a little time before I realized that I had already planned on doing a road trip through Pan America… and I guess I’m going to go ahead and start getting ready to do this at the end of October.  So my first invitation was in Puerto Vallarta so I was looking it up with flights and stays and I was watching a random YT video and it starting saying that the bus route has two main roads that travels north and south and the names of the roads were Colombia and Peru… hehe… and I was just like… hmmm… I think this is something I’m really wanting to do.  And then I was looking at the map and I was like who do I know in Mexico?  I went to Mexico City, Cozumel, and Playa del Carmen… so I have contacts there… and I reached out to my Couchsurfing friend in CDMX and was wondering if he’s still there and if he’d have free time to visit with me.  And again I was thinking about flights and then I thought about the buses… and then I’m not sure what triggered me but I started to ask what would be the cost to drive?  And it was like the same price…. Obviously longer but not more expensive, and actually got cheaper once in Mexico… and so I thought why don’t I just drive?  I was looking at the map and the state of Oaxaca stood out to me but I just continued and then my buddy who I’d be visiting in Puerto Vallarta said he planned on going to Oaxaca afterwards… and again I kept going… and then I started to realize… you know I don’t really want to go to Puerto Vallarta… it’s a bit too touristy for my taste.  I’d much rather be in the country side and away from tourist pretty much and away from crowded cities.  And so I started to think where would I like to go… and started talking to Claude AI and then hit started to click… oh yeah… you’ve looked this up before already.  Yeah you wanted to go and visit these indigenous communities that have kept traditional Mayan and Aztec shamanism practices and now has combined with Catholicism but they have sacred sites, land, ruins… yeah you wanted to go and check these out and stay with them and possibly share ceremonies.  I want to learn from different craftsman and dance and play music… like I always want to do wherever I go… so yeah.  It’s come back around and I guess it’s time to go for it.

And the more I looked into the more I was buzzing… so now I’m understanding that I’m not just going on a trip to visit friends.  I’m transitioning to a lifestyle I want to embrace at this time.  I dont have all the fancy gear that I thought would be nice to have, but I’ll just go as I am with what I have.  I have a few months to save as much money as I can and I’ve signed up for Workaway… going to get my profile uploaded… start to reach out to some of them.  I briefly searched for Oaxaca and it was the city and I found a guy who is a dance instructor another who needs help training hourse for trails… found farms and hostels… there were 25 options in that city… and I was like yes… I absolutely love to volunteer… the CS app is usually for a few days which is good and handy to have and has an option to hangout for the day with people. And the Workaway app is usually good for longer stays like a few weeks to a month… and this can really build skills and community… also allow rest from possible fatigue from driving.  So I’d like to be more intentional and slow paced exploring these areas.  Claude and I are trying to figure a general framework of areas I’d like to check out but also allow spontaneity to arise whenever that might be.  I’m so excited!  I just got off the phone with my Swedish friend who invited me to go to Colombia with him.  So he’s going and staying for awhile.  He planned on having it as his base camp and then do smaller trips.  He was thinking Peru.  I don’t remember how many countries he’s visited so far but he’s been to several… maybe closer to a hundred… and he’s been to many of the locations I want to go to in Mexico and Central America… but he said that he actually didn’t go to El Salvador and he would be interested in returning to these islands in Nicaragua with me.  So I guess I’m trying to plan with people to come and join me as I’m doing this.  

I’ve also reached out to my girlfriend that I met at the hostel last fall who was living out of her car with her dog for a long time and she’s been itching to get out of Indiana.. she’s the one that has arranged to go do Aya as well in Peru without my assistance.  But I mentioned Mexico and she’s like… I’d do the winter in Mexico… hehe… so yeah… I guess I’m going to do this and I’m super excited to join people and have my solitary time too.  I went to tell my dad my “crazy” idea which he was nervous about… but when I was talking to him… I ended up inviting him to join me for the winter as well.  He originally thought he was going to Zambia for the winter but he canceled those plans and he hadn’t really made up his mind what he wanted to do. And I said join me in Mexico… he really wants to go and visit the beaches around the States… well the beaches in Mexico are beautiful as well.  I wanted to get him out and about of the US for sometime now… I’d love to show him how people are and how more affordable it could be for him if he wasn’t actually living in the US full-time.  He’s got his garden and fruit orchard and fish and squirrels and stuff.. so come back for the summers but instead of freezing our booties off why not go and explore more.  He’s got his leg checkup next week to look at his vascular flow and hopefully find a resolution for him so he can get his mobility back.  He said he wouldn’t want to hold me back… but I told him I’m not in a hurry… I’m not rushing to return back to the States… and we don’t always have to be doing the same things anyway.  We can travel together but being up one another’s butts doesn’t result in the best circumstances… we’ve done time in Hawaii which was out of his comfort zone and things were not going to what his thoughts were and we were getting irritable with one another.  I’m not sure how long we can travel Mexico together, but If we actually give each other space and not have to do everything together… I think we can travel longer together… and I think we’d have a blast doing it.  I’m telling him about Couchsurfer and Workaway… and it’s getting him nervous… but it’s only been 24 hours… so I’ll relax with it for him to digest and think about it.  It usually takes him awhile to sort out his thoughts and make a decision.  I said I’d like to leave around the 21st of October after my retreat weekends… and be in Oaxaca by November first to enjoy the Day of the Day festivals around there. 

I need a lot of help speaking and understanding Spanish so I’m half tempted to ask my buddy in CDMX if he’d like to join us for a few weeks or however long to help get us acclimated a bit more.  That’s also why I like CS and WA apps because I’ll see other travelers… find more people who speak English and there are usually language exchange practices going on.  Again I’d love to be fluent by the time I return to Peru… That would be absolutely amazing.  I cannot wait to speak another language and be able to communicate with such a larger population… woohoo! 

So I started to brainstorm with Claude.  I’m going to write a FB post to the friends I have on there. I’m thinking I want to ask if they have family or friends in these areas I want to travel or even passing though… see if they wouldn’t mind if I visit with them… volunteer with them… cook with them… send pictures back of them…. In the Pan-American region.  I actually feel like I have at least one contact in each country… I have to think about it a little more… but there are probably a lot more people that I don’t know their background or roots that might be interested in my little journey… and of course the networks they already have that they could possibly share with me. We have this community on FB and I’ve tried to use it as a community board at times… but hasn’t been too successful most of the time… but it’s not going to stop me from doing it again.  I’ll get better at it and my network keeps growing so why not give it a go.  I also heard Claude saying I could possibly find a way to gain monetarily with this lifestyle choice I’m making… he seems to feel like what I’m interested in doing is something people would like to follow and support.  So I guess this is something I’m going to be looking into as well.  Not sure but I’ll keep using this Journal for blogging I guess… but I might be vlogging on YT and I think I have a Patreon account that I haven’t used yet.  But yeah… I’m excited.  I’m starting to already want to talk to people about it… why I called Sweden and later Colorado.  I messaged my girls here in Indiana….. saying I have some news.  I have drum practice next Tuesday… and I’m just really getting excited and Called to make this move at this time and how ready I am for it.  

I just feel so much more trusting in the Universe right now.  I’ll be a different person even more so going through this… but I feel my connection to the communication of the Universe is going to be amplified living this way.  Ok… I’m going to get off here for now, but yeah… let’s do this! 

[withinUverse]

Alright so the mess begins… hehe… So of course I’m excited and so I start to look around the room and say ok… it’s time to purge and I start looking at things.  I was thinking maybe this is the time I will not leave anything behind at my pops place.  If I’m not taking it with me then I don’t need it any longer…. So I hoping that is the case, and I’m pretty sure this can be done.  Of course I feel like I have much more than I need and I’m going to figure out how to reduce it.  But as I was doing so more things started popping up in my mind. And so I’ve been hunting around my dad’s stuff and thinking I can use parts and pieces to actually convert the van into a travel home for Elvis and I.  I don’t have a lot of carpentry tools or even mechanical tools… some but I’m hoping my buddy has some that I can borrow.  He’s the buddy who thought he was going to have to build a dance stage to get lessons… hehe… so I’m thinking he has something I can use.  Basically I’m deconstructing things and making them fit into the van. To make it comfy there’s a sectional sofa that has been sitting around my dads… two pieces on the porch and another in the garage. And I’m looking to make the seats while we are driving and sitting much more comfortable maybe?  I don’t think I want to drive more than five hours if I’m by myself but maybe only eight hours if I have a partner to share the time with… we’ll see of course but I still think it would be nice to have more cushion and comfort.  I don’t think I’ll be attaching them to the seats and so they can then be used in the back lounge area too possibly.  I’m pretty short… just shy of 5’-5” and I think I’m just going to sleep width wise in the van.  I think I can come up with a way to make a loft style So I can store stuff underneath.  We’re going to be using a 2014 Dodge Grand Caravan… it looks like there’s many people who have converted these into camper vehicles and mostly do the width of the back when they stowaway the seats.  That’s actually what I’ve done last year when I was car camping when I went to visit the hostel. But the mattress took up all the flooring and I don’t want that permanently.  Plus I think we’ll be picking people up from time to time and having friends join once in a while so I think I want the second row seating to be available to use when we need it.  I will stowaway for the most part and use it as the lounge area and most likely my dad’s sleeping area to start.  He wouldn’t be able to stretch out his legs when he sleeps though so I”m still trying to see what options we have. I might be able to have him run the length of the back if I can find something more appropriate to loft my bed up.  But anyway I guess it’s going to be a bigger project then just packing up and leaving.  Honestly I kept hearing on the tarot to slow down… what’s the rush… and I was like it’s two months away and I’d just like to get started so I’m not waiting until the last minute.  They said I might be missing something.  Well I didn’t realize how open I am to working on the van a bit… like removing the third row seating… and I’ve been popping side panels and taking a look around to see if there are ways I can mount in the metal framing… I don’t have a budget… I’m actually trying my best to not spend money on setting it up… trying to save most of my money when I actually travel around not by setting myself up to not go anywhere because I spent the money… hehe… so I think I can be creative with things.  There are some purchases that I think I will be making there’s an electrical kit that has a second battery the home battery that can be charged along with the start battery in the van.  I’d be able to convert the 12v to 120v…. There are some basic kits that run $2-300 and I’d be able to install myself. I’m still not certain if I’m going to be cooking in the van yet or not so I’m not sure if I”lol need this or not to start with.  That’s the thing… It’s been so tempting to think about all the things I might need and not really knowing.  I’ve been on long road trips in the van but I haven’t actually lived in the van.  Technically I’m not sure if I’m going to be living in the van either.  I think for a good part I’ll be volunteering at farms and hostels and what not… so maybe half the time I’ll be living in the van.  And I think I’ll be bringing my hammock and tent to camp at times and car camp at other times… Again I feel like I want to give myself options… but then I’m wondering if I should just simplify it more.  I mean I keep thinking about deconstructing everything and something that has ran across my mind is the insects.  I feel like I’ll be in the rainy season right off the jump and if the mosquitos in the jungle are like any other jungle I’ll be visiting then I’ll want to protect the interior from swarms.  So do I just try to figure out how to attach the tent I already have to the van? I mean I doubt I’m going to park my van and pull out a tent and sleep on the ground if I have a bed setup in the van will I? But if I’m looking for protection from the insects… maybe I can use the tent to help me with this?  I’ve been thinking about popping out the side panels and clamping it back together but putting the netting in between so it’s attached and leaving slits in the middle for placing possibly magnetic strip.  I’ve got my sewing machine out and I’ve been removing old upholstery off cusions and sewing other materials to replace them.  The sectional material isn’t too bad and so I”ve been removing pieces and I’m going to through the cases in the washer and see what I got.  I might be even taking some of the extra fabric that is wrapping around the sofa as possible currtains maybe. I was thinking I didn’t have to go too crazy on supplies because most likely it’s going to be cheaper in Mexico to buy than buy them here in the States. I have looked into Starlink a bit and it’s cheaper to buy the system in the US because it’s around 45% off right now… and the monthly is pretty much the same at $50 for 50GB… I’m definitely thinking about this as one of the major purchases I’ll be doing before I go.  Thinking about buying the system here and then starting it the week before I leave. Been thinking about how to get Elvis my cat acclimated to the idea of living in a van… hehe… I took him out there today and once I opened the door he started squirming around and placed him in the back and he immediately jumped out.  I figured this would happen but I’m going to be doing this more and more until we leave.  I need him to get the understanding that this will be the new location he needs to return to.  I let him outside right now and he knows to stay around the house and he can go in and out as he pleases… he’ll need to understand that will be the van shortly… I’ll let him come and go as he pleases as long as he knows to return to the van.  Again he’s been on long roadtrips but nothing quite like this one.  And so I’m trying to figure out how to make it homey for him as well. I’ve been trying different stuff out in the van and I am laying there listening to all the insects and feeling the wind blowing through the van and I almost fall asleep each time because it’s so peaceful.  I’m so excited to just relax out in nature. I guess I’m not in a hurry per se but I guess I don’t want to be here in the winter… and if I can get most of the work done before it gets too cold I think that would be ideal as well. So we’ll see.But yeah there’s so much stuff all over the place right now… and I’m wondering how I’m supposed to stay organized when I have so many projects going through my head.  I go verified for Workaway and I reached out to my first host.  I guess there is a 3 acre homestead close to the city center in Indy and I thought maybe it would be nice to check out the app before I leave.  He hasn’t returned my message yet but I thought I could go a few days a week until I leave.  That was before all these projects showing up… so maybe he won’t return my messages because I guess I have a lot of projects on my hands to handle. The app also shows who is in the area that is part of the community and I saw a young man who seemed interesting.  We are supposed to meet today but I might see if he’d meet me at my drum practice tomorrow maybe.  There was going to be a drum circle in Indy we were going to meet at but it got cancelled.  And I’m not sure if I’m going to make the trip to Indy today… I’m swamped with projects… hehe… he’s messaging me now so I’ll see what he says.  But he’s leaving up north Labor Day weekend and I’m going down to the hostel so we only have a few days to meet if we can.  I cancelled on my kayak trip with my coworker and yeah I guess I feel like I”m being much more selective on my gas money at this time… hehe… well I just wanted to come on here and let you guys know what’s going on… let’s see if things will fall into place and I can use found objects to fit into the van and have it comfy enough to stay long periods of time driving or sleeping or lounging.  I’m ready to get back at it… so enjoy ourselves until next time! 

 

I forgot to mention that my Workaway profile seemed like I was using a different approach.  I’m not representing myself as just a wild female traveling…. But I’m a nonprofit networking finding its way to be established… it was interesting to change it up this way.  But I”m trying to narrow down the field of engagements and opportunities.  Let’s see if I can attract people that are interested in my long term vision? 

Edited August 24, 2025 by withinUverse
Forgot to mention something

[withinUverse]

Alright good morning… I keep observing myself and it seems like I feel like I can share what I’m finding at this moment.  So I do keep listening to tarot readings and I cannot express how much I”m hearing to slow down… hehe… yes my emotions drive me… I’m excited and I just get so motivated, but I am trying to pace myself and not push so hard but I am enjoying working on these projects.  So I was talking about letting the mess begin because I have all of these projects going on to convert the van into a mobile home.  And yes this isn’t just cluttering my space but all my thoughts are a bit more chaotic than normal.. hehe… Not that it’s a bad thing… hehe… just something I’m observing.  As an example I was speaking to one of my girlfriends when I went to bathe at her parents place and talking about heading out.  I happened to mention that I have about 19 months left on my passport and so I’d have to deal with that relatively soon as I’m traveling.  And later that night I was like… well why don’t I just renew it now?  And so yeah I decided that night I’d much rather have a fresh 10 years on my passport then a year and a half.  I won’t have to worry about entry into countries who say might need 6 months on my passport to allowed entry.  If I have ten years than that is something I don’t really need to worry about.  And I have time before I leave so I have time to wait 6-8 weeks for the new passport to return to me.  So anyway I had to go to CVS to get my passport photo, went to the library to print out my passport renewal application and then went to the post office to send it out.  When I went to the post office I was trying to talk to the lady there.  I told her I’m not wanting to expedite my passport application but I am interested in mailing it express to and from the passport office.  And she didn’t know how I was to expedite it back to me.  And finally we decided that we’ll just make sure it gets there quick and then allow however long it will take to get it back from them.  (Not to mention I ordered a device to help me quit vaping and the post office is shipping it to me from Illinois and it’s been over a week for it to be delivered…. I”m still waiting… I’ve been tracking it from Illinois to New Jersey to Pennsylvania, back to Illinois and now it’s been in Indianapolis for days now… hehe… so yeah I didn’t want this to be the case when I sent my passport application) But I had her staple my photo onto the application and I signed it with a black pen and we were… oh wait we did seal it before I realized I didn’t even put in the application fee… hehe… I was going to pay for the express shipping and I was like wait… I need to send the fee along with.  She was cool about it and used another envelope.  I told her I’m so excited that it seems like I”m a bit scattered.  She confirmed the amount and also the payee name for me.  We got the money order in there and sealed it up.  I told her that she was super helpful and grateful even though she thought she didn’t do much.  I mean she got on her personal phone to verify who to send it to because again I don’t have phone service so don’t just have access to online… I told her I can go to the library real quick and she said she’d just do it and she didn’t have to do that.  But any way I left and got home and one of the first things I do is grab my iPad… but where is my iPad?  lol… I left it on the counter of the post office.  It was there waiting for me… and I chuckled as I was leaving and said… this again demonstrates how scattered I am because of the excitement.  This excitement does do something to me… and it’s been more obvious lately… so again I’m trying to not judge how I’m behaving right now but just noticing… and I find it humorous.  And I guess I’ll just expose myself a little more about other observations that I see right now. 

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but I’ll say it again.. because this is where I am still.. so when I listen to tarot… I just let it play in the background while I’m doing things… and so it’s not like I”m hanging on every word that is being said… but I find there’s a large community of positive and spiritual workers who are out there… and so I enjoy hearing this content then say the news for example… so I don’t mind playing tarot or music in the background… but its interesting what seems to stand out in my memory.  There was something again about slowing down.. and one of the tarot readers was like what exactly does this mean for you?  And she started saying how it’s how I deal with relationships… If I’m going to fast I might be going to fast with the people who are wanting to work with me at this time.  And I was laughing at this because she’s like what if I had to wait a few more days or weeks or even months… and I”m like what if I’ve been waiting for years? Hehe… I feel like I”ve been waiting for years to wait for the collective to be ready to work with me… and that’s what I continue to watch as it goes by my mind… I’m still taking in account of this Aussie man in my plans… this is what always happens… I started to make extra arrangements to make my dad more comfortable sleeping if I can convince him to join me for the winter… but as I was making it easier for him… I did a little extra to make sure I can afford someone who is close to 7 feet tall to sleep in the van as well… hehe.. the Aussie man is a gentle giant… hehe… and so just in case he would ever decide to join me in this van setup then I’d had considered his comfort as well.  I find anytime I make any big changes and decisions… he continues to creep in to my planning and decisions… but I was wondering if this would continue or not… and currently it still is happening.  I have all of these fantasies that pop up… I’ve got all of these short trips for the weekend coming up and seeing my desire to be able to share them with him.  Being able to spend time with him in nature and just relaxing and exploring whatever comes our way sounds so nice and a desire I would love to experience.  It reminded me of the my dream I didn’t have that long ago where I was making rounds of checking on everyone as if it was my job, but then when my twin flame was actually ready to engage with me… I stopped checking on everyone and we didn’t even engage or moved in the space as one would think… Just as an example we stopped walking on our feet around… we were morphing into the environments like we were extremely malleable … instead of stepping down the steps we slid down and ended up pretty much swimming on our backs instead of walking on the ground… and I wasn’t even looking to where I was going… I was looking at him and talking with him and he even asked don’t I want to see where we are going and I was like… it doesn’t matter… I trust him…. But honestly it’s a trust in the Universe. I’m trying to get my psyche to understand that I am about to be moving in this way regardless if I have him.  I guess that’s why I’m so excited… I can feel the complete release and freedom that is on my finger tips… it’s like I’m finally fighting my way out of the chrysalis… I”m about to fly I can taste that sweet freedom that I’ve been waiting for.  I feel like possibly I feel like if he was on board that it would have strengthened my trust in the Universe… since the Universe has been talking about him for the past eight years and if he’s finally on board I’d be like… ok… so I guess I can finally truly trust you, Univese… you weren’t playing a cruel trick on me.  But I seem to be at a time to not need him to join me to truly trust the Universe.  I’m at the point where my higher self has put myself into the checkmate position…. Hehe… even though I’ve been wanting to get to this point… we’ve been patient enough to allow me to get there naturally with intention and not pressure. Not that pressure didn’t help in certain situations but not when it comes to complete release… pressure doesn’t need to be present.  And so maybe that’s what slowing down for me is to be aware if I’m placing an pressure on myself… I think I’m doing so much better… yes I’m working on my projects and I always enjoy myself doing these projects… but I am naturally taking breaks and sleeping so these are all good signs… I’m not be obsessive of my excitement.  

I’m jumping around but that’s normal… hehe… I keep wanting to put all of my stuff in the van… but with all the clutter and noticing how it affects me… I’m like… simplify as much as I can… and try to make it as clean as possible so its not challenging to keep it clean… simplify and also remembering that wherever I find myself I’ll have what I need and if I need anything that I don’t have… I’ve seen not having things have gotten me to be more creative and usually I can find an alternative.  But I’ve also been driving around lately and I’ve been finding so much freedom and excitement in doing this… hehe… again another thing that I remember with tarot is someone was using driving as an example of communicating to the Universe… building communication and intuition… allow ourselves to just go down this road awhile and then taking a turn and just go with it and see where it takes us… and that’s exactly what I want to do… increase this skill…. I want to do these Enlightenment Expeditions and they will be like Vision Quests… when I hit the road this is me building these skills now and not waiting until the Expeditions are setup… I’m developing these skills before I share this with groups of people… getting ready to be ready… I was talking to my buddy who I stay with in Colorado… we’re talking about meeting up in Mexico at some point… and he seems to be planning out what he’s doing in Mexico… he’s retired by the way and I told him if we share some time… I’d like to travel and live in the way I would like to share with him… and he said he knows how I am… but I was thinking about it… he doesn’t really know how I approach life.  I’m always staying with him in his space and I’ve never felt like I’ve had my own space it’s his space that I’m living in… If he comes with me… then he’ll have the first chance to live in my space… and I haven’t really had the freedom to go and do whatever and so he hasn’t experienced this with me… I mean granted how I am even in his space is unusual to him and more on the foot loose and fancy free…. But not really… hehe… I went with my dad to his vascular appointment yesterday.  There were times we were talking and I’m always hinting to him that I’d like to have him join me for a little while in the van.  He wanted to hear the results of his vascular situation before committing… but there was a time I had to let him know that he’s not much of an optimist… he’s actually very pessimistic… I told him he tricked me when I was younger… hehe… he was part of the optimist club and I just didn’t know what to look for at a younger age but I thought he had a more optimistic approach to life and some areas he does… but now a days… I don’t see it… he’s very pessimistic and doesn’t have any expectation of anything going right.. that’s the thing… he definitely carries expectations with him everywhere.. but he mentioned that his outlook is more like the librarian guy that came to visit us one night for dinner and ping-pong when my dad tried out his electric bike… a few months ago… but he mentioned one of his stories he shared with us… he said that if he’s traveling with someone who makes it fun then he’ll have fun, but when he’s alone he doesn’t have fun.  I was telling him that it isn’t fair.  You place the responsibility on someone else for your happiness… instead of being responsible for your own happiness.  I was telling him what is the common denominator in your experiences of happiness or not… You!  You have to take yourself with you… if we cannot be happy with ourselves, then how can we expect someone else to make us happy?  It’s just not fair… and that’s what really wants me to hesitate to ask my dad to join me honestly… I always feel like I have to make him happy… and I know how much he complains and not satisfied and will expect me to make him have a good time… and I know this happens and so I’ve already been seeding him that we don’t always have to be around one another if we travel together… we can be doing different things… and so we’ll see… but I feel like I’m trying to give people one more chance… hehe… I messaged my brother to let him know I plan on moving out of the country and see if he’d like to have dinner with me before I leave.  It hasn’t been quite a week but I’m curious if he’ll respond at least with something… I told my ex step-mom and she said she’d like to hear about my trip the next time we see one another… and we rarely see each other… there isn’t any effort anymore to speak and catch up… I feel like I’m trying to let people know that once I leave here… I’m not going to be making my rounds anymore.  I’m not going to be so present in their lives checking on them… I’m going to be going forward and flowing and I want to explore more than repeating cycles.  I’m going to be cutting off ties it seems… and trusting the Universe to reunite whenever that is or if ever that is… I’m not wanting to be doing the same things I’ve been doing… I’m looking forward to be engaging with people who enjoy my energy and I enjoy their energy… even if it’s for a walk along the river… hehe… I met up with a young man from Workaway.  He said I was the first person on this app that he’s had for a year to reach out to just hang out with him.  We asked me to meet him at a small park about half way between our locations… and I’ve been there before and I told him I’d meet him in the parking lot.  I was waiting and it was about 10 minutes after our meeting time… and I found myself starting to walk around… I was looking at the river and taking a trail to where the boat ramp is and I remember there is a parking lot there… and before I got there I ran into him… hehe… right I just started to have the feeling that maybe he wasn’t at the same parking lot as I am.  He was a bit nervous to meet a stranger to take a walk… hehe… but yeah I think he doesn’t regret it.  We did have a great conversation… he was very excited about his travels and was talking nonstop about his experiences with the Workaway.. I guess he found himself at a sexual cult in New Mexico… and so yes he had some entertaining stories… but the conversation did come to me and I shared more about my shamanism and Enlightenment work.. and so our conversation started switching up… he has some heavy stuff going on with his family and he started to purge it all out… and he said he doesn’t know why he’s doing this but it felt good to release it… and again we only had a walk along the river but I enjoyed spending time with this young man.  And I hope the Universe allows us to spend time together in the future… but maybe this is all that we needed… but I’d like this…. Not that I just want to spend only fleeting moments… but conversations that connect instantly… hehe… I didn’t have to gradually work my way for him to trust me… I mean I guess I did but I didn’t have to take days, weeks, months.. or even years… to do this… it just took a walk along the river… but that also says something about his development.  I understand that we all are different and I don’t mind taking time with people… but I’m going to spend less energy in this process… I feel like people who are ready to exchange with me without so much effort is calling me to come and visit.  We’re going to attract one another and I keep thinking about all those people I was having visions about…. I cannot help but want to know how I’m going to respond when it starts to unfold… hehe… and I guess to see if they are visions or not… hehe… stop it from being a theory… and see if it’s actual Reality.  I do have to also admit.. that I have so many visions… and I’ve been telling everyone about the expeditions and HImalayas… not just everyone but also myself… and I guess I’ve just got a vast future ahead of me… and it might take years for things to unfold… and I didn’t know when or how.. I feel like I’ve said this many times… but I do have an understanding of this.. but when I get the call it’s hard for me to not just go full speed ahead… hehe… I think we’d have to have read all of my ramblings to understand what I’m trying to say… but again romantic love is something that drives me… and I had a dream of my Aussie man and it was in Nepal and so I thought I should get there as soon as I could because I wanted to share an experience with him… even though in the dream he wasn’t there… I was looking at all the people who were with me… and he wasn’t one of them… but my higher self was rubbing my feet comforting me..  and speaking with me that he’ll follow me… and so I wanted to think that was the next steps… but it’s not… I have another part of the world that I’m going to be explore first I guess.  And I guess that’s another thing to mention… 

I feel like I’ve said have such a strong drive right now… but there does seem to be an exception still… I still have an exception when it comes to this man.  If he happens to show up out of thin air… I would make adjustments for him.  But I want to make it clear that it’s not that I’m going to completely stop where my visions are leading me… but will I make time for him?  Of course… anytime he would like to share time with me… he would worth it to make time for him and to start building a tangible experience with him.  Especially since I’m trying to stop communicating with him through social media… I am hoping that if we are to engage with one another it will have to be in person.  I’ve been to Australia twice and I’ve made my attempts… if he ever made the attempt himself… I would make time for him… I’m not embarrassed by this… I’ve been waiting a long time… but even though I have this in my mind and in my hopes and desires… this isn’t the first time I wished this… so it’s not like it’s ever stopped me from moving forward… so this will be the same in this situation… I’m not waiting around for him to surprise me… I’ll continue to walk the path forward… and if he continues to not want to share with me… then I’ll continue without him.  And I am trying to create more space for me to experience something new.  All of these guys I’ve been entertaining hasn’t even been in a romantic context mostly… and I guess that’s why I would take time for him… I’d like to build experiences to get to know one another… build the romance… build our understanding of how our relationship can unfold with trust and unconditional love…I guess I cannot find the words of how to express what I’d like to share with him… but I guess it’s for him to hear and I won’t know what that is until he’s in my presence… and I’ll let the Universe decide if that will happen and when and where… I’ll continue to observe if this is still happening in the future… I’m open for this to change as well… 

Well I am excited about my projects so I’m going to go back to it… I’m thinking of taking some furniture down to the hostel to use there tools to shorten and make them fit into the van… but I’m also looking at this cardboard around the house and thinking it might be time to do some cardboard furniture though too…. Find a video of an interesting guy who is experimenting with cardboard furniture that I think I might try out.  Theres a few areas that I think I can apply it to… and I’ll see which way I’ll go with.  Ok this is good for now… until next time… enjoy ourselves!    

[withinUverse]

Oh my goodness... I'm irritable and grumpy today... I'm more relaxed but earlier I was getting triggered interacting with my dad.  I know it really wasn't him that I was bothered by but what happened during the weekend. i had a girlfriend that I was questioning because I started to see her being immature and a bit petty when we went to the town fair... and i wanted to retract my invitation to the Labor Day weekend event, but I didn't and I wanted things to be good.  I guess I'm bothered because I'm so affected by people who have a history with me.  I was questioning if their words should be so impactful for me... and it's obvious that it still is very affective, and of course its not really her... it's my relationship to her and what I haven't been able to resolve in myself.  I've been observing my thoughts circling back to being upset with her.  And the thing is I cannot stop them.  I can relax and allow other thoughts to come in but then these thoughts continued to circle back and it's been three days now.  I spoke out loud a little but not thoroughly and possibly I can get thoughts to purge out here and I won't have to continue to circle with the revolving thoughts.  

So she was one who I had setup with my buddy who I was teaching bachata dance classes with and we've been doing some caving together as well.  He's the one that was in my Greek class in high school and I have a feeling I'll be working with him in ceremonies in the future... but I didn't know how we would cross paths again until he reached out for dance lessons.  Anyway... he's a great guy and I'm enjoying to get to know him.  And I told him he had the green light to pursue my girl friend... and he didn't hesitate and I'm happy for them.  The only thing that I didn't realize was that she was going to be really possessive over him.  By getting them together was actually going to have me lose both of them.. ha... she does not want him to be friends with me.  Everything I say to him is construed as being sexual towards him.  She does not like how I speak with him.  And I really didn't know what she was talking about.  We were preparing breakfast.  I was getting the bacon and eggs ready and he was getting the fire started so he could heat up some cinnamon rolls for everyone.  She came into the kitchen and i asked her if eggs and cinnamon rolls was going to be enough for her since she doesn't eat meat... she said yeah... and i happened to say that "her man" brought guacamole... and she said I know what he brought here.  I was like...umm... I was just asking if you'd like guacamole toast along with the eggs and cinnamon rolls...and she said no.  I said are you mad at me?  And she said yeah.. yeah I am upset.  And I asked her what for?  And she looked me straight in the eyes and said that I should already know why she's upset with me.  And I looked at her and said I really don't know what you are mad at or I wouldn't be asking you.  And the first thing she said was something I did two-three weeks ago... i don't know time is weird for me.  but it was the full moon night that we had a barbeque and they were going to go canoeing.  I ate barbeque with them and then I had to leave to go to work but we got done within two hours so I was wanting to see how their canoe trip went and also it was really hot and I thought a full moon night on the river sounds like a good night for a dip.  No I didn't have my swimsuit or planned it out, but I did have my towel inside my van... and I went skinny dipping and put my towel on afterwards and spoke to them briefly before and after and then I left.  Maybe a total of a half hour.  She said I was standing naked in front of him and her... and I was like I didn't stand naked in front of you guys.  She said you had a towel on but it was pretty much being naked.  And this is something i should have known she is mad at me about two weeks later asking her about breakfast? And then she said she doesn't like me asking him to go caving with me.  And I looked at her... I was like I invited him to this weekend before you guys even started dating.  And she said that doesn't matter. She said that if I'm so aware how can I not know what I do is making her upset.  And I'm still shaking my head because no I don't know what I do is going to make anyone upset.  I guess I've been such a people pleaser for most of my life that I'm going the complete opposite swing and don't give a shit? And I do have an understanding that its our own psychology that reacts or responds to people's actions.  And I'd always think about the appropriate way to do things to not offend anybody... but yea lately I don't really care if people get offended.  And I guess I didn't really think about the skinny dipping being of any big deal.  I literally was super hot... it was a full moon and I thought why not... and I was going to ask them how the canoe trip was even though they decided it wasn't bright enough to go down the river.  I've known these two people for over 30 years.  One really well and one not so well... but extremely comfortable being myself.  When I arrived they were at the fire hanging out and a bit dosing off they said.  I apologized but I just wanted to cool off and I wasn't sure if they were going to be back or not.  But having access to the river seemed like a good idea tonight.  Again I chatted for a few before.  I got in and cooled off and got out... and chatted for a few before I left.  I didn't realize this was going to upset her.  And I don't see any of this as a sexual act or a flirting act.  I didn't invite them to join me.  We are all visitors of his buddy's place so I wasn't sure who all was going to be by the fire.  But there is no way I knew this was what she was going to say she's upset with me because of this... I'd assume it's something that happened during the weekend.  We've spoken in between times and nothing was brought up.  And nothing seemed to be wrong.  I mean we went caving the day before and things were alright... I guess I did notice that she was being touchy with him... and I was trying to keep some distance but not obviously so.  This was the first time for her to go caving in a non-commercial cave in 30 years... so I was super excited to see if she'd enjoy herself.  And it took a little bit but it did seem like she was having fun.  He kept going on little areas that seemed to go a little ways from the main cave and was exploring things.  Mostly he did it on his own and I joined him once and she joined him once.  I hesitated because I wanted to join them... I've been recording video the entire time and wanted to get that footage, but then I also thought they can have a few moments alone in this cave.  And I guess it was a conversation we had at the truck when I was reminding him of the caving trip that is coming up in October.  And I was asking him he should definitely join us.  And since I didn't ask her first? He literally was buying caving gear after the first time we went together... and so I'm just inviting him to the opportunities I know of and going to go to.  He's invited me to go cleaning up a cave later this month too... so yeah we're buddies and we invite each other to events that we would think is interesting for one another. 

I think what I'm really bothered by is that I gave him the green light instead of proceed with caution... give him the yellow light... ha... I've known her for long that I do love her and I know there are things that irk me once in awhile but doesn't mean that I don't care about her. I had a weird situation that happened the last time I hung out with her before this summer.  She was spending the night with me and we shared the same bed and I ended up having a nightmare about her.  And it was very unsettling and so I kept some distance from her for a time.  And again I was hearing stuff she was saying with our other friend about classmates and their opinions about people in general... and I kept ignoring the red flags... and then the fair was really eye-opening... and still I continued. I want to apologize to him but I feel like she benefits his life.  And that's the thing.. If she gives him value then I'm happy to have led them together... but I don't think she thinks the same way.  Again she seems territorial and she doesn't care if we give value to each others lives... if he's a male and I'm a female... then we can't be friends without including her.  And literally 90% of the time she's included as well... I think there are two caving events that she wasn't included in...  because she wasn't interested in caving and we finally convinced her to join us this weekend for the first time.  Anyway I thought purging out about her on here would help but its just exhausting still.  This happened Sunday morning... and I could see myself hermitting away afterwards.  I brought stuff to work on the van and so I just went into the garage and did my own thing.  There was six of us... the older couple didn't know anything was wrong and the other buddy knew but wasn't helping because he was like... he is so cool... I don't think they make a good match... and I didn't want to make her out to be a bad person.... I told her she's a good person too and she's cool... she's upset with me and that's fine... we've known each other for so long I"m ok with us being upset with each other right now.  And that's where I'm at with it... and pretty much where I'm at with everything right now... hehe... I'll just let the Universe allow our paths to cross again or not... I'm just not going to continue to use up my energy worried about keeping people around.  

My iPad isn't working properly right now as well... and I'm like... is this a blessing?  Should I just cut myself off a little more from everyone?  I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  I did login to my dad's computer and he's on here most of the time, but I can check a few times... and maybe that's just how it's going to go.  I've looked up prices on used iPads that are around prices I'd be willing to pay but I think I"m going to wait it out for now and see how it feels.  Usually I'm only available until I'm in WiFi areas... and I find that I"m in WiFi alot especially living with my dad... I"m always connected and only briefly am I off it.  But what if I need to readjust this at this time?  Maybe I don't have to be as reliant on internet access? I won't have a camera or video so I won't be sharing my stories visually at this time.  I won't be able to draw and sketch up ideas I have in my mind.  But maybe this is the time to do this?  I can go back to paper to sketch... and maybe I'm not supposed to be sharing as much.  I've been back at my pops for 24 hours and I do seem to be getting stuff done more easily without so much access to the internet.  I have been breaking down the sectional sofa so I can either use the pieces or getting to where I can place then in the dump.  I'm going to use this space as a work room for the van build as well.  I went a bit crazy at the Goodwill outlets... I got a lot of supplies to do up the interior.  I was hoping to do the cardboard furniture, but my first attempt wasn't that successful... hehe... I didn't realize I needed weights to place on the cardboard pieces to hold them flat against each other while it dried.  So I was going to stay at the hostel longer but saw that I didn't have the right equipment... and with so many things here at my dads... I feel like I can do this much easier here.  There have been some wooden pieces that I am using for the loft.  As I'm repurposing these pieces then there is a lot of disassembling and removing of fabric and staples and bolts.  So there is a lot to just get one piece of wood.  I found an old jig saw and thought it would be sufficient to cut what I have but the blade seems to be bent so it's not exactly what I was hoping for, but I can still work with it.  Anyway... I feel like I'm on the verge of freedom... and I'm wondering if this freedom actually includes me not being on the grid?  What if I don't have a phone or iPad?  What if I cannot just log on and check in with people?  What if I cannot record videos... what if it's just me, Elvis and the van and wherever and whoever we meet along the way?  Is this the freedom I'm drawn to at this time?  I think it would definitely be interesting.  I'm not sure how easy it would be to contact hosts on Couchsurfer or WorkAway... I heard of WorkX I think it's called too... I can always look for libraries... but yea I wouldn't have easy access to maps... I definitely would need to use more resourceful qualities that I can develop more.  There's still quite a bit of time before I head out and a lot can happen between now and then... but it is interesting to think that this might be my new direction. 

I guess sexual thoughts are in my head lately and maybe its not as healthy as it could be.  I did wonder what would happen this weekend with my buddy who was going to be sharing the same bed with me.  The first night was fine and we did do a little spooning but a little cuddling not much... the second night I told him he's a rascal... hehe... he was drinking this night and when we went to bed he wanted to mess around and wanted to have intercourse with me.  And I told him I'm not going to have intercourse with him... I might entertain the idea of messing around but do not expect to have penetration... hehe...and he's like but that's exactly what I want and I think you need...and I said I don't need it and I don't want it... but playing around might be fun... but I'm not going to play around when we don't agree to everything.  And I was happy to see how communicative I was with him.  And as for him being a rascal he was trying to be handsy in the bed and I created like a wall barrier with my head and arms and legs so he couldn't reach my torso... hehe... and he wasn't being aggressive, but he got the point.  And the last night we just slept in our own space.  So all-in-all we did good... He did get me to smoke two nights.  The first one I waited until we were outside of the room in case I was going to pass out... but I took it well and I found that I wanted to go to the lagoon area and watch the stars as I laid on the dock.  It was absolutely beautiful and felt very connected to nature and was thanking everything for being there for me to experience....and I was thinking maybe I need to spend 85% of my time outdoors now adays.. maybe that's why I"m also working on the porch instead of inside the home right now?  We were staying in a room that had walls and they have some that are screens and feels like we are right there... and so I did spend one extra night without anyone inside a nest with screens because I wanted to submerge myself in the sounds of nature! it really is music to my ears with the buzzing and chirping and droaning... it's really doing something positive for me.  The first night went so well that I asked the second night if we could smoke and he joined me on the dock.  And we do have some fun conversations... he thinks I"m funny when I'm not trying to be funny.  He reminds me of the guys I grew up with...my brothers... I guess I do miss the banter and comfortability and just the randomness of having buddies like family around. There are times where I feel like I can be my goofy self and it's really nice and not having to be walking on egg shells of sensitive people... I hope to continue to attract more of this in my life. Alright... i feel like I"m wrapping up now.  I've got some more daylight left to do things outside... so I'm going to head back out.  Until next time... enjoy ourselves! 

[withinUverse]

Ok… I’m a bit hesitant to write tonight… I got a 507 error and I first thought it was telling me that it’s not the right time but I refreshed it and I got through… so I’m going to go ahead and go for it.

 

First of all I want to say that this coming from the deepest respect, and my intention is not to form any negativity.  We are all here essentially to raise our Consciousness levels and this has become my life and I want to address something on here.  I’m not even certain on how to bring it up… if I should just come out and say it or beat around the bush like I normally do on these sensitive scenarios.  Well… I’ve been thinking about this for a few days and the last hour it has been nonstop and so I’ll just come out and say it but then I’ll explain why I am saying it.  

 

I’m not certain or convinced Leo has reached the Awakening state with a capital “A”.

 

So… I continue watching his videos and there has been a line that continues to repeat in my mind and normally it doesn’t trigger anything.  But… it triggered a few days ago and I’m in a purging process while I’m converting the van. I first want to mention that one of his other words had been in my mind and that’s where I first started.  I don’t know it word for word or anything but from my guidance from it is to take some time to be alone doing nothing to see how well we can handle our self in silence and with our own thoughts.  And I had damaged my iPad and I thought this would be a good time to do this. But I also apply this to myself and I get a ton of insights when I’m in a flow state and I’ve been in a flow state working on the van.  So this has been purging a lot of layers from my mind.  It’s not always comfortable in these purging phases and I’ll say most of it has been detaching from mostly some family and friends.  Detaching doesn’t mean that I don’t love and care and respect any, but that I’m understanding that I don’t need to hold on to the hope of one day having an opportunity to be able to share what I hope I’d like to share with them all.  It’s surrendering to the Universe completely and understanding that if it’s time to move on from people and places… then it is time to move on and this is all in art of dancing with the dynamic perfection that is playing out.  I’ve placed myself in checkmate with Infinite Intelligence and allowing it to guide me in my moves… not that I haven’t been doing this… just in deeper degrees.  Anyway his saying that was triggered in this purging phase that I kept thinking about was “no one on his forum is Awakened”…. I remember reading this when I first got onto this forum and how I understood this is…. Oh I just arrived to this space and he doesn’t know who I am yet… so let me try to explain this in my way and give him all the clues that I have indeed Awakened… more like the Awakening State…. It’s not in the past its on going and continues to develop.  But I joined at a very critical time in this Awakening State… it was around 15 months after my transition and I was still trying to figure out what had happened to me, and placed myself in a space to figure it out.  I thought this would be the prime time to share with a community who is wanting to experience this as well.  So I don’t have eloquence in my words at times and I better teach through demonstration.  I wanted to demonstrate what it’s like for me to do Spiritual work through a personal Journal.  It’s been very beneficial and still find it as a great tool and so I continue. I’ve been on here for a few years now and I still hear this comment from him… and I don’t expect him to be reading my Journal but I do wonder why would he assume this?  And then another comment that I hear is “if they were Awakened they wouldn’t be on his Forum” ??? And this really confuses me… why would he assume this? To me… this doesn’t make sense. 

 

I mean for me right now… I might be moving past Leo’s teachings… even though I get insights for myself by listening to him… but I get insights from listening to many people hence the tarot readings and diverse conversations with multiple personalities… I want to get as many perspectives introduced to myself so I can get a broader picture of what the Universe wants me to understand… and the many ways of communication and guidance.  But I wouldn’t be moving on from this Forum.  Why would any in the Awakening State move on from This Forum? I know it’s an outrageous claim that I’m in the Awakening, but I have an understanding that we are all Infinite Universe… we are all One… I’ve listened to his solipsism video and I’ve had it in the back of my mind even when I was in my dieta ceremony where I experienced the transition trigger, but I never had to go through that experience directly… so essentially I’ve never thought that I was the One it was always we are the One.  I understand we have our own insights and awakenings which lead us to be who we are… and I guess  I just might be skeptical of Leo’s Awakening State because of my experience of my own and how different we are after this.  Which definitely could be the case of course.  But we both want to help…You, Awaken… we can only teach you at the state we’ve been able to experience and embody for ourselves… and I’m just going to keep on going as far as I’m allowed and capable with this body and “time” that I have.  The first video that I ever watched with Leo was how to be a strategic mother fucker… and this Forum is a very strategic community to build a relationship with.  People who consciously desire to increase their Conscious levels… why would anyone who is Awakening and have been introduced to this community want to leave it?  We have a desire to assist in the process that is ineffable and no rules or instructions and extremely subtle and very personal… it sounds impossible but that’s what and who we are, and we continue regardless of the challenges we face. 

 

I’ve been respectful and still will continue; however, there has been one rule on this Forum that I would think that would have changed after the transition trigger and the understanding of where Awakening leads.  Why can this condensed community of individuals who are raising our Consciousness levels which also relates to the Collective Consciousness levels not be able to meet in person through this Forum? I can imagine that there is such a diverse mix of intelligence… and Infinite mix of Intelligence in this forum that I wonder what we could build together… I understand liability reasons to keep people safe, but damn I’ll sign a liability waiver that will take on the full responsibility of my actions and any consequences that arise from these interactions. Many people in our society meet up with strangers to go on dates and more and I think it would be nice to meet up with people in this community in person as well and see where the conversation leads… Leo says he’s not interested in starting a community but isn’t it already too late? We are a community even though there is not a physical locations.  I guess I’ve said this before but I haven’t been the best at communicating with words as I’d like and I’m getting better but when I’m in person I get far more information than reading or typing. And in my line of work I meet people multiple times in different situations and observe the larger picture of the ones I’m engaging with. Originally I thought that I’ll just wait for the Universe to manifest situations where we attract and place ourselves in random locations to meet… which I feel can and is definitely happening. But maybe we’re All supposed to keep that perceived distance for now? Still?

 

I’m getting tired but there is one more thing that I want to get off my chest… I haven’t heard Leo explain his Awakening in a near similar manner than I do.  I mean awakening experiences, yes… but not the Transition Trigger.  And this is what got me to start thinking…. Could it be he hasn’t gone through this himself? Am I trying to explain myself to give him clues that I’ve been through the process… but he doens’t recognize it because he hasn’t gone through it yet? It’s possible.  He plays a character on the screen and it would be nice to even meet in person so I can get a more authentic evaluation… hehe… I can’t help myself that’s just what I do… and it just takes me awhile for me to digest and receive messages… but eventually I get there.  Alright… I think this is good for tonight and I want to get my rest.  I am getting really excited even more if that’s possible as the van continues to unfold.  I hope to share more about that next time… with a video or pictures or something.  Without my iPad I haven’t been able to document it, but I start to today and I’m getting all giddy about it… hehe… Ok until next time, enjoy ourselves!    

[withinUverse]

Damn… he’s a Mastermind… I finally experienced him as an equal… Thank you! 
 

edited version: I was in the middle of an insight and I think I need to clarify… hehe… once in awhile I share things with my pops even though he says it’s over his head… and I’ve been sharing this with him.  And he asked me, “Did Leo say something? Confirm something? How do you know?” And I felt like this is brilliant… this insight was for me to realize I wasn’t placing myself on equal grounds with Leo.  No, Leo did not say something… I have no clue if he was intentionally trying to give me this insight actually… hehe… it’s the Universe… the Universe is a Mastermind at giving me insights I didn’t realize about myself.  It was able to get me to derive this insight about myself and my views on self-worth… again I’ve worked on this and I’m guessing I’ll continue but this is the practical magic the Universe can share with us… if we’re willing and open… I know I want to share the van stuff but I’m so into it that I want to do a bit more before sharing I guess… it’s amazing to work with cardboard and paper mache though.  As an example my dad accidentally broke a part of my sculpture it wasn’t fully dry and placed where it should possibly but it was an easy fix and then I started cutting into different areas to change it up because I was sleeping in it and want to make it more ergonomic in the space… I just literally cut it out, relocate and paste back together and it’s so fun! Ok… until next time… enjoy ourselves!  

Edited October 1, 2025 by withinUverse
Clarification

[withinUverse]

Alright good morning… I haven’t been on here for awhile and I thought maybe I can share of what’s been going on and see what or if any insights might happen if I do journal this morning.  I had been journaling in another app and it was good to get it out of me but I hadn’t pasted it into this forum.  But I’ve been working on the van sanctuary and it had been nonstop… I didn’t realize how much I can work on.  But here in Indiana it is getting to feel more like fall right now.  I’d been lucky before because it was nice and warm and it was easy to work on the van and tent.  I noticed yesterday that I wanted to tie up loose ends with the paper mache but because it was cooler out that I noticed I didn’t want to go outside to do it.  I was sleeping out in the van and in the tent until a week ago when it was raining.  I didn’t know that the tent was going to leak and so I moved back inside and started to fix the tent among other projects. It is supposed to rain today so I have three layers of coverage to stop the rain a bit more so I’m hoping I can see if what I did worked or not.  I know that one of the areas in Mexico that I want to go visit is a cloud forest and said to have more rain than the Amazon so I know I’ll want to have some good coverage.  I know I can stay in the van if it’s too bad but some of the areas that I might be going might not have the capability to drive the van and the tent will be the shelter.  I met a couple at my last caving event who has a lot of experience in the state of Oaxaca and that has been drawing my eye.  They are cave explorers and do new cave expeditions.  They had sent me a YouTube video that showed a little bit of what they do.  And it was so interesting.  I finally got introduced to explorers who do expeditions and the video gave me an idea of what it takes to pick out the support team and the supplies and why.  This couple also have now bought land and a home in this area because there is a lot of caves in these mountains have caves that haven’t been surveyed and they love doing this.  She is a cave cartographer and I love that.  I want to get some experience with this too.  I really enjoyed talking with them at the weekend caving event.  He also works with the local artists in that area which of course I’m interested in as well.  He needed up telling me that this state has around 50 indigenous languages and he’s shared ceremonies with some.  The ones he’s worked with work with entheogen mushrooms and involves caves as well.  And I feel like this would be a good fit for me.  I feel like mushrooms are still entheogens that I’m still drawn to work with even though very rarely.  But I also have had vision of doing ceremonies in caves… I’ve assumed that it would be Aya but maybe it will start with mushrooms I’m not sure.  They seem to be really excited to share their network and even their home when I get to this area.  

I’m really looking forward to going to this area but I have a feeling that there are other areas that I want to explore as well.  And most likely before I go here.  Again with this cooler weather coming in I get a stronger itch to get going but I’ve been taking my time and it’s starting to align with my dad’s surgery.  We finally have gotten all the tests needed to get his surgery approved and so he has his preop appointment next Tuesday and then surgery the following Monday.  So we’ll have him good to go in two weeks.  And I’m so glad I’m still around to get his appointments scheduled.  I found out that I could get a free phone number through Wi-Fi and so we had been able to call the different health care services to get everything arranged.  My dad gets very frustrated with this and it was much easier with my help.  If I wasn’t here I know he would have given up… he admitted it.  He chuckles listening to me talk because he thinks I give too much information.  But I told him that most people we talk to is not going to know his situation and to help them out I like to let them know what is going on.  Instead of letting them read through his file and try to figure things out after we chat.  Plus when he speaks he’s very nonchalant and so there’s not urgency in his demeanor so they will be lax about it as well… hehe… and I’m not frantic when I speak but I do put some urgency in my tones so they understand that it is important to us.  And I feel like we had good results finally.  His primary health care provider is the VA… his nurse practitioner gave him access to go to a vascular specialist in an outside provider through February 2026.  We went to the closest provider in Anderson and we had appointments that went smoothly because it was in the “vascular” section but when the specialist found out that he had 100% blockage in his left leg he wanted to do surgery but with our family history of heart attacks and strokes he needed to do cardiovascular tests to see if he was healthy enough for the surgery.  But cardiovascular isn’t part of the “vascular” and so we needed to get approval for him to get these tests.  And that’s where there were some hurdles we had to overcome.  Working with the out-of-network provider they seemed to understand to get my dad appointments as soon as possible but with the VA they didn’t seem to understand.  So we had several phone calls and the nurse’s team didn’t seem to understand what was going on and accidentally closed my dad’s account thinking he had completed his surgery and so it took awhile for me to get the other department that allows VA patients to get outside help.  It wasn’t too bad it took us two weeks to finally get his stress tests scheduled and we had to go to Fort Wayne VA to get it done.  The Fort Wayne VA seemed much better than the Marion location which is where my dad’s primary nurse is located.  They were able to understand the urgency and was able to share the systems notes and they were the ones who told me that my dad’s account was closed plus saw that they had requested the wrong stress test for my dad.. and so I was able to leave messages with more clarity and I was very thankful.  I got the chance to thank this particular woman and staff when I went with my dad.  I was listening to how they were speaking with the veterans there to be treated and it was really nice to work with them.  We’re now working with the out-of-network specialist and his surgery is going to be in Castleton now instead of Anderson but that’s ok as well as long as it’s going on.  If we left it to the Marion VA my dad wouldn’t have had his stress tests until December and some didn’t know what was going on and said he has his next check up in March… and I had to let them know that we hope to have his surgery before December. And we finally got it scheduled.  It’s only two weeks away and I hope to be able to leave shortly after… I hope.  I don’t think my dad will have much recovery issues but we’ll have to see how things go.  We don’t know until we go through it.  We don’t even know if he has to stay in the hospital after the surgery…. Online says normally people will need to stay one to three days after surgery but no one we’ve spoken to has confirmed it.  we hope that is what the preop appointment is going to do.  

But yeah we don’t have much experience in doing this… my dad and I.. and I can relate to my dad just wanting to give up because of all the multiple calls and appointments and explanation isn’t the most fun but for me… since it was my dad it was very easy for me to do it.  I wasn’t going to give up on him because I knew he was going to give up on his self.  So I understand in the past I would have been very similar if I was in his situation.  I would have assumed that I wouldn’t be that bad that I just wouldn’t follow through.  But I’m glad I’m here so I can help him get through this process.  We also had to get my name onto the van’s title so I can have an easier time to take this van through Mexico and other countries outside of the US.  And during these drives to these appointments he said that his wife wanted me to be very aware in Mexico.  She says that with what is going on with politics here that the cartel in Mexico is singling out Americans in Mexico and is being more aggressive and that they are worried that it might happen for me too while I travel.  Now this is a bit tricky for me.  I understand that their concern for me is supposed to be supportive and helpful I assume, but to me that is not how it felt.  My dad is my best friend and I speak my mind honestly and I told him that I understand this but I don’t see this as supportive or helpful.  He said he’s not telling me not to go but just to be more aware.  And it took me a few conversations to try to explain to him why I thought this isn’t the type of help or support that I would want from him.  I had to think about how and why it was disturbing me.  And when I thought about it… it came down to trust.  I trust myself and I trust the Universe.  With this I understand that whatever I am presented to experience… I trust it’s the experience I’m to have to learn and work through it.  I don’t think that I’ll have to go through this.. but if I do then I trust this is what I’m supposed to go through.  But what I didn’t like is that it felt like my dad didn’t trust me and my awareness capabilities….ha… I felt like he was trusting his wife’s judgement over mine.  I was trying to explain to him that his wife is anxious about life and lives with a lot of fear and this is not the way I live… with my work this is what I work on constantly.  I do not want or hardly even have to live with fear anymore because of my work.  I also told him that she doesn’t even have much experience with traveling to foreign countries by herself… so why wouldn’t he trust the person who has more experience?  If he has two people to choose to believe who would know more about a single woman traveling to foreign countries… why woudn’t he listen to the one who has more experience in it than the one who only has theories about what it’s like? He didn’t see why I was making such a big deal about asking me to be more aware of my surroundings.  And I told him I’m not trying to make it a big deal but I guess I wanted to try to get him to understand that this conversation actually lets me understand that he doesn’t really understand my work in trust and fear… which makes sense because he doesn’t understand my work.  But also he doesn’t realize how the collective affects the collective.  I’ve been finding myself not really sharing my direction of what I’m working towards right now… and this is why… people who don’t have experience in this will be worried for me and I don’t’ want all this worry and fear and anxious energy to be directed towards me before I go.  I understand that my strength does a lot but the collective also affects me and I wish I could get different energy to help support me.  I told him I wish that they were excited for me.  Energy that says wow… she’s going to be meeting so many people and seeing places that are new to her and learn so many different skills… this is so exciting and we cannot wait to hear of her adventures…. This is different energy.  And we’ve dropped the conversation but I tried to explain it through his current situations that are going on.  I said dad I trust you for about everything.  But you told me you were on the brink of giving up on your appointments because of the challenges you are going through.  So I stepped up and did all the phone calls… At this time I didn’t trust you would do this for yourself.  But I switched my degree of trust once we got through this time.  I trust once we get your appointment set that you are going to go and your going to recover nicely.  You won’t have to make any phone calls… hehe… when it comes for you to do things on your own… you’re use to doing this and I trust that you are comfortable doing this.  It was when you are having to deal with other people that you are not comfortable with.  So… you told me where you didn’t trust yourself with and I was able to support you… but I haven’t voiced anything about not trusting myself or the Universe… I didn’t give any reason for not trusting my decision.  I also tried to address that he doesn’t realize that awareness is my work.  It’s like me trying to tell him that he needs to watch ball games or the news… hehe… this is what he does on the daily and it’s like someone who doesn’t (me) telling him to do this without having much understanding of it.  So him telling me to be more aware is like he’s telling me he doesn’t understand that awareness observation isn’t something I do on the daily.  Also the understanding that they are thinking more of what I need to be aware of in the future of situations that might not even be anything I need to experience.  This is not necessarily how I like to think about future events.  I like to think about what I want to manifest in my future.  I’ve shared many of this with everyone on this Journal and I hope people can start to see how I can manifest this through what I’m doing right now.  It’s not the exact way I was planning but these are the steps to get there.  I’m preparing to be mobile and been building and sewing and these are things I’m wanting to gain more experience so I can host my own expeditions.  I want to connect global community networks and that’s why I’m going to be traveling through Pan-America at this time… and it will expand.. but I have to start somewhere.  I can see how things are fitting together and it makes me excited.  

I think it’s been amazing to see how I didn’t even realize this when I began but as I go it starts to fall into place… I didn’t have this all planned out in the traditional sense but once I started to understand than it wasn’t hard to adjust the plan and go with it… And it’s been so cool to see how the things around me were perfect for me to work with and find new ways to use and it seems like I have what I needed that were sitting around me.  This has been the best location for me to get ready.  This small town was the perfect place for me to work outside and even though all the people who drove by or walked by could have thought I was crazy or weird or whatever… they’ve seen how things are unfolding and how much determination I have.  People chuckled that I’ve been sleeping out in the van and tent in my dad’s yard but then I tell him what I learn about.. and how I can change things… it helped me better prepare of what issues I’ll find if I’m out on the road.  I know there will be more but I understand this and I also understand that I’ll be up for the challenge to find solutions with what I have with me. And when I go slow and deliberate it’s really fun for me.  I did notice that I still do something similar to my dad and not worrying about me as much as someone else.  I am designing this to have someone share this space with me.  And every time I think of that someone I give more attention than when it was in the area of myself…. But then I noticed that I didn’t want to accept less for me shortly after.  I’ll just give one example.  I am trying to make different arrangements for sleeping and there is a bunk version.  I have three to six cushions that are placed together to make a bed.  And when I sleep on them with just the cushions they were not staying together and separate especially when I was in the tent and so I started to make custom fitted sheets for these beds.  When it came to the someone’s cushions… I sewed the fitted sheet to fit securely around it and it took me a full day to do this.  And so I was like ok… I don’t need to take another full day for my bed and so I half-assed mine… but then result wasn’t good… hehe… it didn’t keep all the cushions together and so I noticed that I wasn’t going to be satisfied with this and so I did the same thing with my bed too.  I was aware how much difference I give importance when it comes to someone compared to myself.  I just thought I can just deal with less and then noticed that I don’t want to settle for less for myself anymore either.  I mean I was only going to be bring one bed pillow for that someone and I was just going to find a way to work with the pillows that are technically storage of clothes or sheets and blankets… but that’s the thing… why not just bring and make two pillows? Hehe… it sounds silly but this shows me of where I am with myself.  I’ve had to adjust many times because of this actually… even though this was my sanctuary I was more concerned with making other people in my sanctuary to be more comfortable than myself.  But I also thought that maybe I won’t be sharing this space with someone as much as I would be with me and my cat.  So it’s been a balancing act of thinking whether this is a solo journey or a shared journey.  And I feel like it will be a bit of both when it comes to humans.. because it will never be a solo journey since I’m sharing this with Elvis.  And oh my goodness I’ve been trying to make things for my cat and it’s been pretty funny to see how he responds to what I’ve been making for him. 

I’ve been sewing a lot and so I’ve had a lot of scrap fabric.  So I tried to make him toys… but he hasn’t really been a toy cat… hehe… sometimes but not normally.  I made him a jellyfish on a post and when I was making it I thought it was going to be too big and probably scare him but I finished and it was true… hehe.. I’m going to see if he warms up to it eventually or I’ll readjust it later… then I made him a tube that had fun sounds if he played with it and he wasn’t interested in this as well.. I did a bumble bee which actually looks like a wasp.. ha and filled it with catnip and I finally found something that he liked a little… hehe.. I made him a tent and placed it over his cardboard scratch pad I made and that didn’t work and so I started making him a hammock and found out that he didn’t like the cushion that I placed in it that I thought would make it more comfortable… so I just keep adjusting and watching… and I just have a strong feeling my relationship with my cat is going to change moving into this way of living together.  I’ve been thinking about using a bell to help him understand to come to me when I ring it but I’m not sure if that is going to work… hehe… but I’m looking forward to seeing how we are going to be communicating a bit differently when we travel to new areas often than not.  He’s been going outside so much and I’ve been trying to place his kitty litter inside the van so he can get use to going inside there he decided that he’ll just use the restroom outside… which is great in my opinion… I do not like his kitty litter much and this would be ideal.. but also we might be in the van for long periods of time so I still want to have a kitty litter box inside… but the one I had didn’t have a cover and I thought this might be ok but I didn’t like seeing it so I got one with a cover and he doesn’t like it right now because it looks like a cage which I thought he might like because it hides him… but so far haven’t had any success of getting him in there.. . But I still think I want to keep this one compared to the one that is just open for aesthetics and hopefully odor control.  But I’m thinking he’s not going to be using this litter box much anyway but eventually he wont’ have a choice and find that he’s safe inside there.  But anyway… projects keep coming up… but I’m at a point where I think I’m done with the sewing for the van and tent… and I”ve altered some of my clothes as well.  I’m almost done with the paper mache… if I can work up strength to deal with the coolness outside… I hope to finish this today.  

I’m looking up what I need to do to get the van ready as well.  I think the sensors I need can be found at the junkyard and also going to see I can replace the front light assemblies to get the turn signals working again… so I’m trying to transition into being a mechanic right now.  If I get it out of the junkyard then I’ll get more experience on how to remove so I can replace it easier.  I haven’t really worked on this van much… my past cars I’ve done quite a bit of work but this vehicle is new to me… and I want to get more familiar with it so when I need to do anything on the road I’ll have a better feel.  I can see how the weather is affecting me… so I want to jump on it before I refuse to go outside for too long.. hehe… I’ve been thinking about staying in the US for a little longer before going to Mexico.  Something similar to what I’m doing in my dad’s house… I want to be out in the van in the US and see what I have to go through in locations where I can communicate easier and more use to working in this country before going to Mexico.  I’m not certain but I think I’m drawn to the Sonoran desert possibly.  I’ve also thought about visiting the Temple Farm in Utah too… I actually miss the llamas and all the people I met and I want to visit before going out of the country again.  It’s going to be cold there right now but I don’t think I’ll mind and I don’t think I’m going to stay there as long as I did last time.  I didn’t have my own vehicle when I was there and I think this will make a difference of how I engage with this area.  And I just am at a different state and I would like to see how things go.  So yeah… the more time alone I have the more I start to think that I might be waiting for more direction from the Universe.  I kept getting messages to slow down and I’ve conceded and there is a little worry that I have to wait long but again I see the benefits of what I gain from slowing down and the longer I stay.  I found my favorite t-shirt too… hehe… I was purging my clothes and I couldn’t find it.  I was looking at all the nooks and crannies thinking it was there but when I was looking I couldn’t find it.  I was making the cat hammock and I finally went back to a cranny and there it was.  I was really grateful to find it… and I had given up thinking it was lost… but there it was waiting for me to finally find it.  I designed this shirt for the Australian man and I wear this often and it’s scruffy now but I still love it and will still wear it… and I even teared up when I found it… hehe.. I’ve been finding that I’ve been sappy lately.  I watch shows and movies with my dad at dinners sometimes and found that I just want to watch romantic comedies… I’m listening to Wheel of Time and I’ve been tearing up with all the romantic relationships too… I honestly would love to spend time with this Ozzie… I’d love to have the chance to share time, but again I just stay open and keep moving forward which whatever the Universe would like me to experience at this time.  Ok… I didn’t realize I was going to go into all of this… and there is more but I feel like I’m getting tired of typing and want to make a fruit smoothie… hehe.. and tackle the last part of the paper mache before it rains.  Alright this is good for today. I hope everyone is doing well. Until next time enjoy ourselves!

[withinUverse]

Alright… my dad’s preop was yesterday and we’re confident things are going to go well and he’s confident that he’ll recover well so I feel confident on moving forward.  I had been thinking of Utah and then south Arizona but then I got a phone call with a friend who is from the UK but met him Pucallapa, Peru.  We actually were the only two tenants living in the vegetarian restaurant and so we shared time together… maybe around two months.  He was the one who got me to go on a trip with him and a friend down to Arequipa…. He’s been traveling a lot lately… he’s now back in the US… but he’s going to be returning to Peru at the beginning of December.  He is actually staying in the area where one of the original twelve are from my Aya familia… so I decided this will be my first location.  I didn’t think I was going to go Florida, but here I go.  Once my dad’s surgery goes smoothly and make sure he’s setup for his recovery I’m going to take a little over a week to get down to Florida.  I’ve reached out to some friends to see if they would mind if I stop in and visit for a few days.  I’m going to Evansville, IN and then to Lexington, KY… I think with this route I’ll be stopping in Asheville, NC and Savannah, GA before I go to the location for my friends in Florida.  That will give me a little over a week to visit with him and then hopefully get to visit with my Aya familia… he’s been having some trouble with our relationship… I love him like a brother and he would rather me love him like a lover… but that is not where I am with him… so I’m not sure how he feels about me wanting to visit him.  I sent him a message but I haven’t heard a response… I mean I just decided to do this and started to make my plans.  I have already started to look at some Couchsurfers in NC and GA and found a few that I think I will really enjoy their company but I haven’t reached out just yet to see a better timeline.  But I’ll reach out before the weekend so they have at least a weeks notice.  I figured if I’m hanging out with people I can stay a few days… if I go and just do dispersed camping with my cat then we might get to Florida a little quicker.  This first leg of the trip is going to move faster than I would like for this trip but I want to get some time with my buddy before he flies out.  

This buddy is living in a spot where the owner has jobs and provides housing and doesn’t care if I work for a week or months… I’m not sure if I’m going to work for him or not… I’m going to check it out.  My buddy seems to think that I’ll be working in an acorn nursery planting seeds at this time.  But he rides his bike back and forth to work and there’s a lake on the property with some woods… I guess it has a golf course and volleyball courts and stuff that is included for the community and said we can go if we’d like to.  He has been saving all of his money to take back with him to Peru… he’s got children and likes to send them to private schools and hopefully wants to bring his oldest son back to the US for an apprenticeship opportunity next year.  But he’ll see how things go.  He was a partner when we were living at the restaurant.  He drank pretty heavy and we but heads at times but in general we were good with one another and when he wasn’t too drunk he was a lot of fun.  He’s trying to not drink as much… I’m not sure if he’s trying to be sober but more responsible and so maybe this time we’ll have a different time with one another.  

I’ve been spending quite a bit of money lately trying to get all the supplies to fix my van for the trip… and so honestly I could use some more money by the time I get to Florida.  I think that’s why I was wanting to work fast and get to Mexico with cheaper living expenses… but I’ve been taking my time and that also allows me to spend.  But I ordered parts on EBay and things should all arrive by Monday and I”ve been watching videos and it doesn’t look too hard to do.  But it would be good to actually have the van in a garage to work on it.  And I’ve got a couple who continues to invite me to visit and wanted me to come to use their wood shop for the van conversion… I decided to see if they would like me to come and visit and hopefully can use their tools to fix my van. They went to the hostel with me for the caving and I enjoyed getting to know them better.  I wouldn’t mind spending some more time.  They are in Evansville.  The girl who has two daughters in Lexington I actually met at the hostel too…. At the intention convention last year.  I’ve been trying to get to her home a few times now… and so I wanted to go now as I head south… which helped me find Asheville and Savanah… I don’t know if I’ll backtrack after Florida but I want to approach Florida with an open mind.  I won’t know how long I’ll stay there.  I’ve been wanting to be more spontaneous and I’ve been trying to figure out where to go and when I got the phone call I could just tell that I wanted to go even though I told my dad I probably wasn’t going to go… hehe… but once I was on the phone call and laughing I was like it would be so nice to visit and have a good laugh and I haven’t seen him in over three years and I’d like to.  Actually it’s been over four years since I’ve seen my Aya familia… we’ve hung out quite a bit… I’ve visited him and he’s visited me more from the original twelve.  I’m really hoping that he will let me visit him… I know his mind is going like crazy…but when we are together we have an absolute blast.  And this time I won’t have a time limit so we can hang out for much longer possibly.  I think my two buddies are within two hours from one another… I’d have to get the address to really know.  I have an idea of where they are but not exactly.  I think that’s why I haven’t committed to the acorn nursery… because I think if I work I might want to be closer to my Aya familia… it’s a city but not city city… larger town… hehe… that makes a difference to me.  But the owner of the acorn nursery I guess will let me drive an excavator!  Ha! So I will probably give it a go for at least a week… hehe… while my buddy is around.  He seemed to think I’d be able to stay at his place when he leaves if I wanted to.  But I want to feel it out before making any decisions. 

I finally took a few videos of the van today… I’d been talking with a girl friend about it and she has her ways and got me to send her some footage and so I posted it on my social media… ha… i asked Claude to help me with the hashtags… and I think there will be some that will like what I did.  I don’t think videos and pictures can reallly capture anything truly of course, but I’m still debating if I’m going to start a YouTube channel and go through it in more depth… we’ll see.   I guess I just wanted to share it here as well since I’ve been saying I will and haven’t yet… hehe… so I’m going to get it uploaded and that’s probably all I’ll do tonight… I’m a bit tired and I’ll have more to share the next time whenever that will be.  Until then enjoy ourselves 

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[withinUverse]

Alright it’s been a month and I’ve been thinking about writing in here but I don’t really have time at this moment. I’m in Orlando area and I’m working at a community that once was a children’s summer camp but now they are pretty much preparing for retirement. But I can get into more details at another time. I’ve invited them to join me for some swing dance tonight… there is a 20 piece big band performing and I’m really looking forward to sweat it out tonight.. hehe.. I’ve got three people joining me… one in her 60s, one in his 70s, and one in his 80s…. Woot woot! I’m excited to get them out to at least listen to some wonderful live music… but I hope to get everyone on the dance floor as welll… I’m also curious to see who all I’ll dance with tonight.  But I remember I did write a little bit when I first left Indiana with Elvis and so I thought I’d just go ahead and copy and paste that for now so I can start to recall the information since then. I came to visit a buddy visiting here before returning to Peru and it was a whirlwind… he’s a whirlwind… and I’ve gotten three days after he left and Elvis and I are much more relaxed and able to focus… hehe… but I’ll go ahead and copy and paste the thoughts… I feel like this might be more of what is coming up possibly while I’m in the van… I won’t have WiFi so I’ll just journal and then I can post when I remember to… hehe… alright until next time… enjoy ourselves everyone! 

 

 

Alright we’re camping at Ammon’s Branch in Nantahala’s National Forest in North Carolina.  We finally got out of what felt like a whirlpool of the small town of Indiana.  This past week had been a roller coaster.  I even broke down and cried a little on Saturday with the frustration and the feel of almost getting to the edge to free away from the whirlpool then got dragged back into the center to start my way back out. It was interesting to observe myself this week and it began with my dad’s surgery last Monday.  

 

We were confident going in but I could see my dad getting a little anxious in the hospital.  Not too bad but it was present.  I even found myself having stray thoughts of what ifs… what if they cannot wake him up afterwards… what if this is the last time I see my dad alive…. It was easily smoothed out though because I was much more confident but in that setting I did find that it came up. I was happy to have been allowed to be with him for the most part.  We got there at 10 am and he had surgery around 2pm and I was back in his recovery room in ICU about 3:30pm. I spoke to the doctor and he said my dad’s surgery was like a textbook surgery.  Everything went really well and they are getting him awake as we spoke.  He had explained to us what the surgery was before but there is a split in the stomach region that goes to either sides of the leg so we were working on the left side… 100% blocked, but when he was in there he did notice that my dad’s right side is pretty blocked up as well.  Legally he couldn’t help with the right side but wanted me to tell my dad that if he can get approval they can place a stint on that side as well. They do something like an ultrasound on his feet to listen to his heart beat and before the surgery they couldn’t hear anything on the left foot and afterwards it was strong and having problems hearing on the right foot.  I waited until we got home before explaining this to my dad. He was still a little loopy when I went to his recovery room. While I was there I found it interesting that when he was trying to make the decision on what he was going to have for dinner his blood pressure went high.  I mentioned something to my dad about it…. How he might get anxious when making decisions. I helped him with dinner and went home to sleep so I can return the next day to take him home. Over night he had a nurse mention that she saw that his blood pressure was fine but anytime someone came into the room it would rise.  She asked about his experience in hospitals.  He told her that he’s not use to being in hospitals and not comfortable with strangers but he thought it was interesting that she could notice that from one night’s observation. 

 

Before the surgery I had been wanting to leave the following Thursday.  I thought we’d just need a few days for him to get back on with his routine, but Tuesday evening my dad seemed pretty anxious still so I decided I was going to stay a few days more. I first was going to Evansville to visit with a couple and also a guy I met from the caving. But I told them I wasn’t going to be able to come now. The next location I was going to Lexington to meet a girl and her two daughters that I met a year ago at the Intentional Community Convention. So I thought I’d leave Sunday morning. Wednesday evening I could see him getting more comfortable with his new routine and he continued to get more comfortable.  But I was sticking around and I was trying to make sure that my dad’s radiator was going to get replaced fairly quickly.  He has his next appointment on the 2nd of December. I spoke to one guy and this has been weeks ago and he is quite a drinker but works on cars in his garage. I didn’t like what I was hearing when I was talking to him about the issue.  It seemed like he kept going to the level two issues instead of level one.  I was telling him what we had looked at and it really seems like it’s the radiator… the pump, the belt, the thermostat are all working well. He’s been trying to get the rust out of the radiator with vinegar and it would just drip out.  So I told him we already know that this is an issue and asked if cleaning it out would be a good idea. They had mentioned this a few months back but he didn’t bring this up now.  He kept going on to different stuff and again it wasn’t the level one of service.  So I decided to talk to my dad about cleaning or just replacing it. I started to hear what it was going to take to clean it… we would have to take it out anyway and if the coolant is just dripping out then there may be huge blockages going on and we found out that he was using the wrong coolant so it could be a rock inside.  I looked up the price of a radiator on eBay and found one under $100 with free shipping.  I got him to go ahead and get it. I was going to stop asking the first guy what he thinks it might be… I was just going to ask him to replace the radiator… again before I knew I was going to stay until Sunday.  But the day I was going to talk to him I ran into another buddy who works on cars on Tuesday. I mentioned whether he would be interested in getting some quick cash and he said yes… I was talking to him about the shipping and he seemed like he was going to do it.  The radiator arrived on Wednesday and he said he would be there on Thursday morning. 

 

Thursday morning I messaged him to let him know that I was just going to start getting the car disassembled to make it easier for him. I’ve been wanting to work on vehicles more especially traveling in the van for long distances now. In the afternoon he finally texted me to say that he was called into work unexpectedly. So I told him that I’d just keep on working on it. Everything was fairly easy until it came to the lower radiator hose and the lower transmission cooling line. To me it seemed there wasn’t a good angle to get to them.  At this point I didn’t realize that I could have taken the fan out and it would have opened up so much room, but this was my first time doing this and so I thought I had to take them out before the van because I watched a YT video. I literally thought I might have to go from underneath. And had no clue what that lower shield was going to take to get it off… I’d have to take the front fascia off and the bolts holding the top and bottom panels on the sides were ridiculous to remove. So most of the day I was trying to do this to approach from the underside but found out that I’d have to go from the top because I wasn’t going to be able to remove the front fascia. I pretty much had to man handle the lower radiator clamp… hehe… had to move it from the bottom to the top so I could open it up to take off the hose and once I got it off then I had a better shot for the transmission line.  But I was having problems still trying to get the hairpen clip off because again the fan wasn’t making much room.  By this time it was starting to get dark so I took a break until the next morning. Over the evening I thought that I was going to take the fan out first and see if this will help. 

 

Once I got the fan out, I all of a sudden saw how open it was to all of those pieces. I wish I knew before so I didn’t waste half the day on trying to come from underneath.  But that’s just how it goes. I was starting to get excited.  Removing the radiator from the condenser was tricky for one person so I asked my dad for a hand.  We finally got them to separate and got it removed. I replaced it with the new radiator and I don’t know what I was thinking. But I noticed the new one came with new hairpen clips which I was happy to see and I thought having some extra ones would be nice. Let’s just say that I lost two of them and needed all four to get it back at the end.  But when I was putting the radiator back in I have a remembrance that the nuts where the hairpen clips go onto turned fairly easily and I just wasn’t thinking.  It shouldn’t have been able to turn that easy but since I didn’t loosen it up I didn’t think I had to tighten it. So any automotive mechanics or diyers are probably laughing at this moment because yes… not tightening these bolts will cause a leak, but I didn’t know that at this time. There’s much more that happened before I saw these leaks. So I was celebrating getting the all of the pieces of the radiator back on. My dad was outside with me at the time because I needed help with placing the brackets that mounts the engine’s position to the front frame. With him around I didn’t realize how I get distracted and not as detailed. We started to fill the coolant and we made a mess of everything. We were using a suggestion of AI on how to do the coolant and there was an error…. Well it might not be an error on some vehicles but our vehicle manual had a different suggestion. But we were burping the coolant and the coolant kept on spilling out of the tube on the radiator and we thought we had to keep it open and it was leaking everywhere. I finally put the cap back on so it wouldn’t spill out and my dad was like I think we have to keep it open so I finally open it and yes…. It went shooting out everywhere because it was pressurized and hot… it was a mess and I hope I’m not the only one who has done this… hehe… but it definitely wasn’t funny at the time. My dad was getting upset that we lost so much coolant and we were looking in the engine and it was clear there was a leak coming out of the middle of the car. I honestly didn’t know what was leaking or if it’s just from the mess. I went to move the car and the car was just inching forward and back.  And I was like shit!  Now the car literally won’t even more.  I have made everything worse.  After talking with AI I determined that I lost a lot of transmission fluid when I was replacing the radiator.  But I didn’t remember losing much when I was replacing it. And it was getting late so I had to stop and take a break and then everything started to fall into place. The radiator isn’t leaking from the middle.  The transmission cooling lines running underneath the radiator can be leaking. And I looked at the fluid and saw that it wasn’t coolant. And there wasn’t enough transmission fluid to have enough juice to move the car.  So I will have to patch the leak in the line. 

 

So Saturday morning I was ready to give it a try.  I took out all of the pieces to get the fan out. I knew if I did this I could see the transmission lines clearly and find the leak. I tried to remove less parts but I had to still remove the air box but I could keep in the battery to get the fan out. I turned on the car and saw exactly where the leak was. So I got a transmission hose and four fuel injector clamps… two on each side. My dad has a plumbing pipe cutter and so I had to go and cut out the piece that is leaking.  I remember feeling anxious at this moment… hehe… my second buddy was supposed to be off on Saturday and said he’d come by and check on me… and I remember messaging him and seeing if he’d done this type of fix before. Oh goodness… I had actually messaged him earlier telling him I didn’t think it would be a good idea for him to come.  I don’t get much done when he’s around. In fact that’s what I felt like when my dad was around with the coolant.  When I’m by myself I would’ve approached it differently than when someone is with me. But I was getting pretty damn nervous cutting a transmission line and I thought well maybe he could come if he’s done this before… hehe… but he already made plans to help other guys out… so I had to just go and do it.  And I asked AI the entire time through the process and what I thought would be the best approach and got some confirmations but also good suggestions. And I did it. I cut it and measured the hose and placed the clamp in. I literally turned on the car to see if the leak is fixed and I didn’t see anything coming from the middle… I really don’t know if it was leaking at the nuts at this time… but I didn’t even look over there. And so I put the fan back in got help putting the brackets to hold the engine in place… and started to put more transmission fluid back in. I thought I was supposed to be reading the dipstick for the transmission fluid and it was so tricky. I was so nervous to overfill it… but it was hard to read. I started to get more help from AI about transmission fluid and normally people drive it around to feel if there is enough fluid… and I noticed this was true once I got enough of fluid in it… but that’s when I started to notice the leaking from the nuts.  The top one was easy to see and easy to tighten up… but in the back of my head I was like… shit I bet I’m going to have to tighten the bottom as well… but it wasn’t leaking… until later… and this is where I had a small melt down. It was getting late on Saturday… I still needed to pack up the van and wanted to leave by 9 am. 

 

I was trying my best to get a good angle for the nut without removing the fan.  I knew if I removed the fan it would be easy but I didn’t want to take it out and put it back in for the third day in a row.  So I was trying so hard to get to it from as many ways as I could and it just wasn’t working. I was so frustrated with myself as well. I wanted to give up… I just wanted to just leave it to someone else to do it for me…. And was upset that the thought came through my mind. I thought that I was going to help my dad out by getting his car able to drive out of town but then I ended up creating more issues and these thoughts were just adding up and I was exhausted and frustrated and again this is where I felt like I was stuck in a whirlpool… I kept thinking something else is going to show up even after I fix this.. what else is going to make me stay? It was dark and so I had a break.  Saturday my dad made me my favorite dish he makes Seafood Gumbo and I was able to calm down and knew that I can take out the fan one more time and I’ll be able to fix this in a couple of hours. My dad and I were rubbing each other the wrong and we had found ourselves yelling which we don’t really do much… I mean rarely… but the thing is my dad just doesn’t communicate well and I find myself more frustrated that he’s unable to make normal conversations…. with me… especially.  I tell him everything I mean everything and it doesn’t matter if it’s really personal and emotional and I can confess anything people would find embarrassing… I want to be as honest and vulnerable and communicate as much as I can with him… but he is unable to return this to me. He holds it in and wants me to read his mind… and he somehow feels like this should be the easier way and it’s completely the opposite… it makes it so much more difficult. We were able to work everything out to the extent we can at this time. I didn’t leave mad and he wasn’t mad at me either. But that’s exactly what I did and I couldn’t just leave it that way.  And it did only take me a few hours to get everything apart… one minute to tighten it up and then place everything back in. I got it!  There were no leaks… the car’s transmission fluid was working properly and the coolant maintaining. Finally I got the car to the point it will make it out of town for him and it’s better than when I found it. My dad is not going to be stranded in our town when I take the van. 

 

I also got my dad’s health to be in a better position than when I arrived a year ago… when he had purple toes. Geesh it took us a year but we got it fixed. And I’m not sure if I’ve already mentioned this but I finally don’t have any guilt that ties to his leg. He came to visit me in Colorado around four years ago and I was working when he came so I got him to take a hike with a friend of mine whose age is in between my dad and mine. It would’ve been fine if it was just those two but she invited a couple who are avid hikers and they took it way too far for my dad’s ability and also he isn’t use to the altitude… there was a lot… he couldn’t find it in himself to communicate to them that he needed a break and couldn’t go any farther… instead he just kept pushing himself and since then he’s been having issues with his foot. So in these four years his mobility of his left leg continued to decrease. And yeah his toes were purple when I got here. And I asked what he’s doing and what he’s said to his primary care (VA Marian).  And he said he had mentioned it to them and they are thinking about sending him to a specialist.  But now I understand by observing the manner he speaks with his care takers… there is no urgency in his voice… so people don’t think it’s important. Purple toes is something he needs to look into soon.. but even how he approached me affected me as well.  And I know he doesn’t like hospitals and shit so I got him to get a grounding mat. He said that his nurse thinks it was his nerves and so he found a pill to take for his nervous flow… and with the combination of the vitamin and grounding mat… he’s toes came back to it’s original color. In this past year the primary care finally got him approval with the specialist and that’s what we’ve been doing for months until we finally got it done! I’m going to remind him for his other leg to see if we can get that taken care of this next year… I’m hoping. Next I hope he can pay attention to his mouth… his teeth… he’s pretty healthy actually but this is something that is affecting his health but mostly his happiness and confidence. He had looked into going to international dental work so he can afford it… but he has to have someone go with him. So we’ll see how that plays out. For now… I’m happy where he is at. He’s been talking more with his youngest daughter the past two months and it’s been a relief. The issues I was having with my sister-in-law and brother… is starting to happen to her as well and so she is starting to understand possibly we weren’t the crazy ones anymore that it’s happening to her as well. But she reached out and they are building a relationship and I’m hoping he can spend the holidays with her. 

 

After I fixed the car Sunday morning I started to just throw everything that I hadn’t packed up yet into the van… hehe… I just told myself I can organize while I’m on the road… it doesn’t have to be perfect before I go… I’m getting the fuck out of the whirlpool and I’m doing it in two hours… hehe… and I didn’t get to fix my van but I can wait until I get to Florida where I guess they have a large workshop with tools I’d ever want accessible… so nothing I have going on is really stopping me from getting there. I filled up my gas tank, topped off the air in the tires, filled the washer fluid and added a little more of the steering wheel fluid… and I was ready to go after another bowl of Gumbo. And off I went to Lexington to meet a girl friend and her two girls for dinner at Blaze Pizza. I spent a little over an hour with them and had a great time meeting the girls and having some funny conversations with them kiddos. My friend and I got to have a little bit of adult conversation but everyone was pretty tired. We were embarrassing the little ones dancing to all the music… hehe… it was a great break and  I was ready to go to Tennessee to the first dispersed camping I had found. I got there around 11pm… but I knew I wanted to spend the whole day at this spot and it was absolutely amazing! I loved driving down and how the road started to slowly get smaller and rugged to when I ended up on a gravel path where I had to crawl the van down to get to the campsite. It’s a place that not that many people go to and I assumed we’d be the only ones there… and that sounded perfect! We went to Fork Bend, Tennessee and it’s part of the Norris Lake area. And yes, no one was there on the land.  There were like three boats on the water that came by rarely but for the most part it was Elvis, some birds, black squirrels, chipmunks, a doe, and myself on this little peninsula.

 

Being so secluded I trusted allowing Elvis to just explore and it was interesting to watch him.  I saw that he wanted to go a little farther than what he did but he mostly stayed close to the van. I was re-organizing the van to make it more comfortable for us and finally I took him for a little hike. And it was really a pretty spot… woods, the beach, the water, larger rocks… it’s a sweet spot! I collected some firewood and thought that I might be doing ceremony to christen the journey.  But I thought possibly the trifecta with the fire.  But I ended up doing it in the mid day with just Bufo and it was exactly what I needed. It was extremely vibrational I mean I was literally shaking out all the stress and tension I was holding onto… I was energetically working on myself… focusing on my heart and mind. I was enjoying the location but of course it was amplified during ceremony and after… I am so grateful to have the opportunity to experience this at this time. Everything is part of our dynamic perfection… every no thing as well… hehe… we can see ourselves as insignificant however, everything is necessary for anything to exist  which is pretty significant in my opinion. I want to thank everyone for doing what ever you were doing yesterday… because what you were doing was allowing me to be doing what I was doing… hehe… so thank you! And everything that has happened before yesterday was necessary to lead to this moment… so I’m grateful! It was fun to see what I decided to do on my first day with freedom… I found myself drawing, ashtanga yoga, dancing around the fire and star gazing… and building a strong bond with my little cat buddy, Elvis.  After the walk around he was mostly inside the van… hehe… he’s not sure if he loves or hates the van right now… but I think he’s starting to understand what we’re doing right now. 

November 10th @5:05pm

We didn’t drive too much today.  We were about four hours away from the next dispersed camping spot so we made stops in between. Hehe.. the first stop was the American Museum of the House Cat… I couldn’t help it… it was ok and I was glad I stopped but I wouldn’t go a second round… hehe… but then we went along a NC scenic byway that goes along a string of waterfalls.  We got to the next spot and pets have to have leashes and so our approach is different here. We went on a little hike but didn’t get too far because we weren’t really into it. But we’ll mostly be in the van at this spot to rest and prepare for an early set off in the morning. I hear it’s common to have bears at this spot so I wasn’t comfortable to allow Elvis out much and plus he was going to have to be leashed the entire time… I guess I didn’t want him to be stuck in the van by himself so I’m staying in with him. Now if it’s by his choice that’s a different matter… I was by the fire last night when he was in the van because he chose that… today is not his choice. We’re not sure where we are staying tomorrow. We might be going to Savannah, GA to stay with a Couchsurfer I reached out to a few weeks back. He was under the weather so he wont’ know if he’s up for it yet. I messaged him and said that I’d check the message when we get to Augusta to see. If not then we are going to stay inland and head towards Okefenokee Swamp lands instead. There is a RV camp spot that has some farm animals which I guess people can stay for free for the first two nights. I thought that might be interesting to check out. Regardless I am going to the swamp park.  It looks like a lot of fun and afterwards we’ll head to my buddy at Winter Park, FL. I told him I’ll get there at the latest on Saturday… possibly I’ll arrive sooner but playing it by ear. I have a place to stay and work there… but let’s see how things play out when I arrive. I’ll get two weekends and a week with my buddy before he flies out… I’m open to whatever comes from it. I’m hoping I can get a chance to fix my van and also use the excavator, but I also know I can do this elsewhere as well… so hoping for the best. But I’m going to get off of here for now. I hope everyone enjoys ourselves until next time  

[withinUverse]

 Alright… well I found myself falling asleep very early last night because I was just so tired and resulted in me waking up super early so I thought this might be a good time to write.  So I’m in the Orlando area and my buddy has left to Peru and he made it back safely and once he left I decided to stay a little longer. Elvis and I have the place to ourselves and it’s nice to have our own space again.  So where to begin… hmm….. so I guess I can start with the camp location that I am working at right now. I originally thought it was a tree nursery but that isn’t the case. It use to be a children’s summer camp.  Since the pandemic it closed its doors and the owner, the staff, and residents are all getting older and it seems like they are preparing for retirement as they continue to age. They all miss the camp life and the children and so a part of them would love to bring it back but I guess they had a camp director who was magical with the children and she has already moved forward with an alternative position and he just hasn’t found anyone who could replace her. He tried to do the camp a few years before she arrived and wasn’t successful… so he knows how valuable she was.

So what was camp like when it was up and going? I’m not exactly sure how large the space is but it’s around 4 acres along Lake Howell. It has two piers and lovely cypress trees along the edges with Spanish moss draped all around and makes it such a fairytale as it blows lazily with the wind. And so kids were expected to get dirty and explore their curiosity at camp. There have been several activities that rotated but from what I remember he told me there were horses, paddle boards, pottery with kiln, blown glass and mosaics, building your own arrows for archery. He said the best activity the kids loved the most was a big pile of dirt where they’d hide little treasures and toys for the kids to find. They’d just love to dig with their hands. Depending on their age he would actually let them dig with the heavy equipment as well… I’m not sure how that was setup up but he could tell who had eye-hand coordination and who didn’t. But they loved it.  He also said they had an activity where they’d could bring their old broken electronics and could open up and see how things worked inside. They could try to see if they could fix it, but if they couldn’t then they’d take it and smash them with the big machinery… hehe… he said it was a lot of fun and the reactions he would get from them was priceless. It sounded like a camp I would’ve enjoyed as a child or an adult… hehe

so what is camp like now that it closed? Well there is an owner and he has two full time employees… two women who work in the office and does the financials I believe and probably much more. But he is appreciative for these women especially one who has been with him for over 40 years. He actually helped buy her a home that is adjacent to the land that is really nice but there was damage from the hurricane two years ago so that’s mostly what are projects have been is to address how water flows in and around the house. I guess there were six inches of standing water on the first floor of the home. There is a city emergency pond in case of wildfires, but it flooded into the home addition and so he’s been adding irrigation lines and pipes to direct an abundance of water away from the home and the neighbors as well. He’s been building like sand walls to help keep the water away and putting up a back fence which wasn’t present during the hurricane to help hopefully manage that type of water if it happens again. They are redoing her driveway as well. It had a curvy design and they’ve found it hard to pull in and out with their trucks so he’s making it wider and more straight and have to adjust the irrigation lines in the front as well. Ha… he’s a workaholic and I think she might be as well… so he’s also designing it to where she can access the camp property easier going through her back yard instead of having to drive around to get to the property… hehe… So this is mostly what my buddy has been doing for the past two months helping out. 

As I arrived I looked at the projects and was excited. Ok I found a property/community that looks to be building so sweet… I can find a lot I can learn and do.  But the owner is old school and was like… umm I need you to do the organizing and cleaning… oh bubble popped… darn it… hehe… so they are hoarders… well I definitely know that the owner is. There is a ton of really amazing things that are useful for this size of property but many things that are just getting damaged and overrun by nature because there’s no organization and not enough people to help manage the property. So you’d think that I’d be like… ok you need help organizing, but that was not how I first responded… hehe… I was like… why do I always find hoarders who need help? lol… I didn’t want to do it… I’ve been helping people organize but anytime I return its back to it’s original state because it doens’t matter if the space is organized if the people using the space isn’t organized then it just returns back to the mess. I can understand this for myself as well. I’m trying to figure out how to organize the van as I’m traveling and I’ve had my fair share of spaces that was organized chaos… so I’m not really judging but I wonder why I keep getting drawn to people who need this help. Also to workaholics who don’t know how to relax and enjoy themselves…. Hehe… and to people who don’t trust others… it’s very similar to what I had ran into at the Temple Farm in Utah. Not exactly the same but similarities. 

So the first project he wanted me to do is organize his books he had boxed up. I believe there were over fifty boxes packed with books. And most were not his. He had three people who had passed and he got their books from them so he wasn’t sure what was all in the boxes. But they were in the garage when the hurricane hit so we needed to go through all of them and remove any books that were damaged and moldy from the standing water. He also said there will be silverfish in them so I had to fluff every book to make sure they were not in them anymore. I only found maybe five silverfish though… and the water damaged ones were really the issue. He thought he would have to place insecticide on the books but I told him they look like normal books.  The silverfish don’t seem to have damaged the books so we first had to clean the garage to be able to even get to the books. Again with three people passing away there were a lot of items not just books that were given… a lot of furniture and knick-knacks… we were able to clear out probably 2/3rds of the garage to have actual space. I went through all the books and we first took up five book shelves and that wasn’t enough so we brought in three more which still didn’t hold them all.  We brought in one more and still we need one more large book shelf to put all of them up. I generally organized the books to genres in a broader sense, but not alphabetical or anything. He said he’ll eventually go through them and see what he wants to keep or not.  

I found it interesting while I was going through the books how many spiritual, psychological, and consciousness books I found.  The owner doesn’t seem to be much interested in these books but his friends and mentor seemed very much into it.  Actually this library I’d say 1/3rd would be books I’d enjoy reading myself… The combination of books seemed to be along the lines of what I would have chosen for myself 90% nonfiction and 10% fiction… but anyway as much as I was trying to enjoy doing this project it was pretty boring for me and I could see myself talking about how much I’m not enjoying it and it just isn’t teaching me much other than more discernment of how much I don’t enjoy doing this… hehe… I found some Silva method cassette tapes and so I did go on a hunt to finding a cassette player. So I found an old boom box at a thrift store… radio worked but not the cassette player but found a cassette player on marketplace. So I hope to listen to these tapes as I’m camping out somewhere. I did litsten to the first few tapes and getting the gist of it and more of introduction to programming the mind. I think eventually it will get more progressively evolved to the areas I’d like to explore more. I am hoping to be more cognizant of the different brain waves and states and be more conscious on how to understand the state and hopefully program intentions more… possibly? I mean I hope to do this with or without the tapes but I think it will be interesting. There is an older couple that lives on the property who was mentioning the Silva method before I told them I found some tapes of the lessons. 

Oh my goodness this couple is adorable and hard to not fall in love with. He’s in his eighties and she’s probably in her seventies. They are creative and quirky characters.  I guess she saw me on the first day and was asking all about me to her buddy. And we finally met and we hit it off right away. I met her husband when we all went for Thanksgiving dinner together. He’s having health issues and he ended up spitting up a ton of mucus after he attempted to eat his turkey meal. I could see how embarrassed and uncomfortable he was but everyone treated it nicely and was reassuring him that everything is alright and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. We were sitting next to each other on the drive back and I just couldn’t stop loving on him. I had to place my arms around him in a side hug and rubbing his arm and rubbing our heads… and he was just saying how much he loves women and their generosity and care. We’d hold hands… it was nice to not have to feel like I wanted to love on him, but actually was able to love on him. My buddy said it was really nice to see me and how he and his wife received my love. She didn’t get mad at me loving on him in front of her. And I said I wasn’t being vulgar or sexual…. It was honest and I knew he wasn’t feeling well and I was hoping that I could take anything away from him that he didn’t need to carry anymore… since Rhein they’ve been wanting to hangout more. My buddy and I were the first people they’ve invited to dinner in ten years. And it was so sweet with her roasted chicken and tangy peach sauce with mashed potatoes and veggies. My buddy was leaving and I thought I was leaving as well so they had given us gifts to take with us. She gave me two books one on wildlife survival and then how to be sustainable living on a sailboat…. Hehe… I had invited her to join me on my drive to pick up some marketplace items and so we were able to chat for hours getting to know one another. While I was running my errands she got a chance to visit a location she’s been wanting to check out to see if there is an art gallery to place her husband’s artwork in or find a boutique for her scarves and fabric lining art she likes to do. There was one potential boutique who are open for this but no galleries unfortunately. But I also got a piece of his artwork. He gave me colloidial silver that he made himself. He said I could use it for dressing any wounds that I might have. I’m not sure if I’ll use this but it was hard to say no… hehe… I might return it before I leave though because I’m sure they’ll get more use out of it then myself and it will be something that I just carry around just because and I don’t really want that. 

After I finished the books I was able to do a little more work digging trenches for wires and placing wires into conduits.  I guess someone accidentally cut through a communication wire and so they had to redirect a new line uncertain where the cut was made. I admittedly was wondering why everything is always under the ground? Is mostly because of aesthetics? We don’t want to see the lines? Because it is tricky to figure out where things are placed under ground and accidentally digging up something happens and of course I’m thinking if I build do I have to be concerned with aesthetics more than function? I like exposed architecture and teaching avenues… so possibly I wouldn’t want some things under ground… so it can be designed into the aesthetics. And the maintenance and organization would be much easier possibly? Or running a metal thread of some sort so people in the future can see the path of the wire? There is another part-time handy man who use to be their cheap in the catering side of the camp. He said back in the day they would place aluminum cans throughout so it was easier to find the lines which I found interesting. And then my buddy was leaving and again I thought I was leaving too.  But that wasn’t the case, but I didn’t know because my buddy is a bit over a whirlwind… hehe… and it was challenging for me to think of my plans when I was with him.  I only thought about how to get him organized and relaxed enough for him to leave and then I’d start to think of myself… hehe.. so I guess this will lead to my buddy.

So we were neighbors for a few months in Peru. I was busy painting a mural and he was busy drinking a lot… hehe… he’s functional but definitely a regular basis if not daily. So we had moments of connection but I also wasn’t too open because I didn’t really want to deal with drunk energy while I was there. But he did invite me to travel with him and a girl friend down to Arequipa and I did go with them. We went to Lima separately and then down to Arequipa together. I remember myself being reminded that it’s challenging to travel with people. Specifically his girl friend… by the time we got to Arequipa… what in two days… I was over traveling with her.. hehe… she didn’t stay long in Arequipa since she had family land and friends in Cusco so my buddy and I stayed in his friend’s hostel for awhile. I really liked the hostel and the owner who was his friend and her sons. I met an unusual character who I still chat with from time to time. But I stayed a little longer after he returned to Lima as well. But let’s say I’ve had a little time getting to know him originally and from time to time we’ve chatted.  I’ve seen him visiting the Florida area… and normally we just message one another.  But yeah we had a call and I just thought that I’m going to go and visit him this time especially because he’s very close to one of the original twelve of the Aya familia. I’d hit two birds with one stone. So he was definitely hospitable. He was trying to make me and Elvis as comfortable as we could be in this little spot that he has while he’s working for the camp owner. It’s part of the deal working for him to be able to have a place to live. It’s supposedly in one of the ritzy areas of Florida but this is a little old apartment complex with six units and built in the 50s and still has peptobismal pink tiling in the bathroom.. hehe… its rough to say the least but again no complaints and very grateful… at least it is has running water and a bath tub… hehe.. it has one neighbor and her dog. She was in the hospital when I first arrived but she’s back and I get a chance to chat once in awhile. 

So my buddy… why is he a whirlwind? Well… he has different ways to get money and one of the ways is finding things where he is at a cheap find and resell it back in Peru at a higher rate. So he’s thrifting constantly. None of this is too bad it’s just his mentality of how he was going to approach customs. He wants to smuggle everything because he wants to make as much money as he can but having four bags stuffed with things its hard to convince anyone that he’s not going to sell these items and not for personal use. Granted most of these are second hand but the quantity of items and the items themselves… would naturally lead to this conclusion. So really it was him convincing himself if he’s going to claim these items or not. Mostly he didn’t want to so how it was going to be a way to get through custom security… and then the next minute talking with me he’d go ahead and bite the bullet and claim them even though the turn rate won’t be as high… he’ll still be making a profit. So in a way… he’s a little bit of a hoarder as well in this little space. If he had an entire property like the owner… it would look very similar… hehe… But his thoughts are constantly going… I mean there were several times we’re at the space and I’m trying to do my own thing and I’d get constantly interrupted because he has his own thoughts and wanted my opinion and attention. So I found out quickly that this is his show back at the house… hehe… he has to take it from the owner all day at work and I’ll have to take from him when back at the house.  But he’s a comedian so it’s not like its unbearable… I just knew that I’d have to try to get him to choose his items and get him to be ok with his decisions before he left. And he continued shopping until the very end so he’s have to repack all his bags and get them weighed so he didn’t have to pay oversized baggage charges…hehe. When he’s here, he’s all about all work and no play to make it simple. So I thought how do I get him to take a break? And convinced him to go on adventures with me. It was funny when we told the camp about the days we were going to take off.. the owner actually wasn’t upset and felt like he understood… but the woman who has been with him so long was like… why? It’s not a holiday? Hehe… I was like just to have a day off and enjoy each others company outside of work…and he hasn’t checked out places near here. It’s a day off and we’ll be back. And we did and it was great! We went to an area where there are crystal clear springs and wildlife and with it being cool for Floridians but really nice weather for us… it wasn’t really that crowded which is a plus. He misses his boys and continued to comment how he’d love to bring them next time so they can explore areas like this. 

He commented on how two months of working at the camp nonstop just isn’t sustainable for the future. He’s going to try only one month next time but take a week to just explore instead of working only. There are reasons to play as well. The second time I got him to take off was a few days before he left. It was back to the springs but we did some canoeing this time.  And I invited my buddy from the Aya familia and he invited his buddy from west palm. So we’ve had a little over a week of him not drinking but his buddy drinks and so they drank a little when he came the night before the trip. It wasn’t too bad… I was taught how to play batgammon which was fun to learn and played some boggle which was hilarious. Yeah I tried to get him to play some games some nights so he could stop thinking so much about all the things. We played chess one night and boggle… and he really liked boggle. I ended up giving him boggle to take back home so he can play it with his boys since it’s fun for all ages. There conversations went from one thing to another… but since they both drink they can recall some of their wild party nights. My buddy is in his fifties and his friend from west palm is probably in his seventies. So they’ve got a lot of stories… I don’t know how it came up but they were talking about stripping and so to join in on the conversation I told them about my little spat being a dancer to get tickets to my stepdad’s funeral.  And that started to lead to some interesting thoughts. We had a few days before he was going to leave and I started to think… what if my buddy and I share in a Japanese nuru massage together? I thought it would be fun and honestly I want a massage and I think he could use a massage as well. With a nuru massage there is a gel that is made to be really slippery and we use our bodies to massage one another… and body part and normally nude. I’m in a weird space with my sexuality right now and so I thought it would be fun to have fun together. And so I hinted around to see if he’d be interested and then I gave more details and finally we had a direct one to one conversation to see if this was really something we should explore or not. 

He admitted he isn’t use to having conversations with women like the way we were talking. We were trying to admit where we are right now and whether this could lead to issues or not. He told me where he was and he already knows about the Aussie and where I am with him at this time. I told him I’ve had a few shared experiences a year ago and I’d be curious to see what unfolds if anything. I told him directly that I will not engage to penis and vaginal penetration but I’m up for playing around. But mostly we can begin with massaging and see where it leads. I guess I should mention that one of his side jobs when I met him was sex toys distribution and so I thought he’d be opened to this type of thing if not use to this type of thing. But he said he’s not and it was something he was trying briefly.  I won’t go into much details but we tried it out.  And surprisingly it was mostly just massages. I had to ask him to massage me and finally he did a really good job which in return I wanted to show my gratitude and so I did a real thorough job at massaging him back. The next day at work he said that he was thinking of me but when we got back to the place we were able to speak again. He said he noticed that I wasn’t really interested in exploring more of this with him. And I said that last night during the massage told me that we aren’t compatible in that way. We didn’t have that fire or energetic draw or connection so it was easy for me to understand that this is not the way our relationship is going to lead. He said that he could tell I have a lot of sexual energy and that I was trying to get him to play along but he couldn’t do it. As he gets older it gets harder for him to relax in this situation.  He was thinking about not having sex penetration with me and so it stopped him from wanting to do anything. I told him that it sounded similar to what I was like when I was having sex years ago. I couldn’t have organisms and that’s all I could think about is having sex to experience organism and not enjoying the journey there… and that’s not how I want to be anymore. I would rather be a master at the journey. He kept implying that if I would have just grabbed his junk that we would have had sex. And I kept reminding him that that was not my intention and I would’ve been upset if he attempted to.  I said I was up for exploring and pleasing and teasing.. but also felt like he wasn’t in the reciprocal phase as well so I directed it to the massage only focus. 

We’ve chatted briefly since he’s left and we’re supposed to chat today. I woke up to some of his drunk texts… and he saw things about time travel and how he’d go back to that night and just have sex with me and things would be different… I’ll talk to him when it gets brought up about what’s in our mind of fantasy and what actually happened. In a fantasy we could wish things to be different and that things evolved differently but in reality I clearly saw we didn’t have that type of connection…. Not even enough to play around together let alone have sex together. One of his concerns before we did nuru together was how he saw men fall for me fairly easily. When I left there were two of his buddies that would talk about me and how they wish something more could have happened. And one I had no clue but the other I was clear on my intentions from the beginning. I wasn’t leading him on and we shared ceremony where I felt he was having trust issues with women and he was trying to stay away from them… and we spoke about the benefits and excitement there is to share with having women around. But yes he stopped pursuing after ceremony and I respected and preferred this way of engaging. 

It’s getting time for me to get ready for work so I’ll try to some up what’s been happening since he left. So I was thinking I wanted to go camping for a week but there actually isn’t too many free dispersed camping spots here in Florida.  I found a few and I’ll get a permit to be able to do this but there are also hunting days where camping isn’t allowed. I have found three Workaway opportunities that I messaged. One is for hurricane relief demolition work, one is exotic animal sanctuary, and the final is a sailing crew opportunity. I’m waiting to hear back from them but having my cat with me… might deter people from having me volunteer with them. Until I hear back I thought I have this place all to ourselves now and if my buddy isn’t around maybe the owner will let me do some of the building projects? He has to some extent but he said I’d have a full time job if I organize instead.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to continue until I went to a dance event. So yeah… I don’t normally like cities but I remembered that there are usually a lot of social activities to do and started looking for dancing. First I found a German society having a 20 piece live big band that has swing dancing which wasn’t far from us. So I invited to the people from camp, and four of us went. The guys didn’t really enjoy it but the ladies did.  At this event one of my dance partners told me about a ballroom event that focuses more on country for the following night. I don’t know much country and so I thought I’d check it out and glad I did. At this event they had a raffle and I won a free entry to next month’s event. So I decided I’m going to stick around the area at least a month. So I spoke with the owner yesterday. I gave in and said I can be a team player… I’ll organize the barn to start with and in exchange he’ll teach me how to run the heavy equipment he has all around the property… which is worth it to me. I know it’s going to be draining to organize hours upon hours each day but I got the manual for the front loader and that’s going to motivate me. I now will go to some dance events which will also give me back some of my energy. And a girl friend that I met at the Temple Farm in Utah is back in Florida now too! She lives close to my Aya buddy which I hope to spend more time with as I’m here. So this coming weekend I’ll go to a USA Dance event on Saturday night and spend Sunday and Monday with her. Monday is her birthday and she’s asked if I can sit and hold space for her. She wants to make a labyrinth on the beach and takes some psychedelics near a nude beach. I said it sounds like fun and would love to share time while I’m around. I tried to see if I could help with the hydroponics tower building job she just started but they’re not interested in temp help as a startup. I might still try to find a way to volunteer somehow maybe or wait for another opportunity. Oh I also met a retiree at the last dance event that also lives in their area and he’d like for me to go to some nature spots together… so we’ll see how that unfolds as well. Ok…. My alarm is going off. Until next time… enjoy ourselves! 

[withinUverse]

So the last four days there been some changes at work and I’m enjoying myself.  I started organizing the barn and trying to start with organizing all of the plumbing pipes… and a small corner of the barn. Let’s say it wasn’t the most fun but I was still doing my best. But it was funny because I was walking out of the barn and the owner looked at me and said uh-oh you don’t look like you’re having any fun.  And I smirked at him and said we all knew I wasn’t going to enjoy doing this… but I’ll do it for the team. And he said ok let’s go ahead and give you a break. He first had me drive his four wheeler which is more like a work four wheeler with a hydrolic bed and he was seeing how I drove and how well I was treating it. He’s starting to realize that I listen well and pick things up easier than he would have expected. He eventually got me on the “baby” Kubota… I told him I hadn’t read the entire manual yet but he said I pick things up and smart. So he explain things to me and he had a large pile of dirt to load into a truck. And so we talked about loading it in a “V”… he didn’t pay me on this day this was my play time wanting to learn the equipment. But I really enjoyed it and he put me back on it every day since. I’ve been loading sand… placing sand, pushing sand… and today I got to fill in valleys of a hill that he’s been wanting to create a slow slope with top soil. I think I was on the baby Kubota for close to seven hours… hehe… it was addictive. And he’s mentioned things to consider and I’ve been reading the manual and today it seemed like I had to really put it into play. He told me what to do but he didn’t go into much detail. He said to radio him if I am having any issues. 

So I’m not sure if anyone else enjoys heavy equipment but it’s already starting to feel like it starts to become an extension of my body. I’ve been getting pretty comfortable with it. At first it started when I was placing a pushing attachment to the bucket so I could push the sand under fence frame to fill the trench. And the tool kept on getting piles of sand collecting on top. I wasn’t going to get bothered but one time I got off to knock it off… hehe but then I started to realize that I could use the bottom two by four to knock of the sand without getting off. And it’s an older machine and well used… but the bucket does slightly slant down on the right side… so you have to pat attention and make adjustments because of it. But I could see myself getting comfortable and able to feel the machine more. So today there was a large pile of top soil at the bottom of a hill. And he said I will need to make a ramp to be able to get to the top of the top soil and there are valleys in the hills that he wants filled in so I went at it. And so working on a hill does feel different and yes he wants me to feel how close we can get to tipping the front loader. And I felt that and so I just slowly started making a ramp with a slight slope and then had to grade it into the bottom of the hill. I mostly only used the bucket but with doing the hill I was using the back attachment… hehe… I don’t even know what it’s called but we can drag it and it’s a good tool for this job for sure… was using this probably 80% of the time but I do feel like the bucket feels more comfortable for myself. But I can feel  how addictive it can be on the machine… sculpting the earth and trying to get the grade to be what we want it to be… I could see myself doing this all night because it has lights… but I stopped around six… hehe… but yeah the owner is starting to see that I can be much more valuable then organizing. 

He’s been putting me on more projects and I think he’s noticing that I’m a hard worker that can get things done. I have to actually sneak in time to continue to organize because he has other projects he wants me to do…. Hehe… when I’m doing the other projects everyone is always looking for things so yeah… I’m trying to figure out how to still organize while doing the other projects for him. I like it because he’s starting to tell me different projects he wants done and so I’ll know what to do when I’m doing with something. He was impressed with how well I did with preparing the new area we are pouring cement into to extend the driveway. I made two tools to help get the bottom six inches deep and uniform on the bottom. Ha he actually thought I should change it until he thought about it and said that actually should work… and I said yeah it should make it pretty easy. And actually I started eyeballing it in the middle of the larger sections because I’m pretty confident that it will look much better and less complicated and yeah he said it looked a lot better than what he thought it was going to be like. When I went to work with my buddy from UK/Peru he handled the owner much differently then how I handle the owner… hehe… in the mornings he said that the owner likes us to wait for him at the picnic table outside of base before we start the day. He’ll tell us what to do. And that’s not what I do. I now know projects that need to be done… so I go and just start them. The owner also pays for lunch when I was with my buddy… we’d work and work even sometimes until 2pm before eating lunch and I just go when I’m hungry… and so I’m getting him to trust me in this manner… I’m not dependent on the owner and allow him to do his thing which involves many projects at once with many people. He doesn’t have to hold my hand and I think he appreciates this and I know I would much rather this type of work relationship. 

I’ve been coming in a half hour earlier so I can go and visit the lake. It’s a sweet spot and I go and play my flute on the dock and usually there’s an orchestra of birds and I practice playing and sometimes I try to mimic the sounds of the birds… I definitely need more practice with bird sounds but the flute is become more comfortable. And today I actually saw the ladies row club on the lake this morning. Usually the girls are at school when I’m out there but with it being Saturday they were on the lake at the same time. I got to play the flute for them for a short period of time and I enjoyed them practicing as well. Now my neck and shoulders have been sore for a week it seems now… hehe… I think I over did it with shoveling and I’ve been soaking in the tub with epsom salt everyday and finally got some menthol muscle gel which helps… the owner also gave me liniment gel… ha it’s actually for horses and he said that his horses loved it but he uses it now and that I should give it a try. I tried today and it did feel good but I’m not sure how long I’m going to use it because I’m figuring the potency might not be balanced between horses and human bodies… but it did feel good but I already got that other gel and it feels equally as good just a bit different. He makes me put my hands in a plastic baggie to place it on my skin which I think is supposed to prevent me from getting it in my eyes if I don’t wash my hands well enough… well… I appreciate it but I think taking two days off will hopefully really give my body the rest to recover I hope. The owner was trying to give me a hard time about taking days off… but he also said thank you for such hard work… so he’s not too upset. I’m trying to also show him that I’m not going to be like my buddy. I care about my energy and I’ll do much better with rest… I do not want to burn out or get grumpy and that will happen if I go nonstop. 

I get along with people but it really does seem like the owner and I work really well together. He likes to teach and I love to learn. I don’t get offended and I ask questions and listen well. He said that maybe I should get a certificate for an heavy equipment operator and I said I’m not trying to get a permanent job doing it for days upon days… but I’d take a referral for future communities and people who I might work with in the future. I’m trying to keep planting seeds that what I’m doing with them right now… is something I want to continue to do…. Whether I return to them but also when I go I want to find more properties all over the world. I also try to help them understand that money is nice but is not my motivation. I’m getting to understand this place a little more… there’s a little over ten acres of land. And his ladies at base are like bookkeepers because he’s a CPA. I guess everyone says he’s secretive because of his profession. I’m not sure what a CPA actually does but he’s got a lot on his plate. And I don’t know how I can get him to relax and stop working for a moment… hehe… I feel like that’s what I had to do at the temple farm and I was successful there.. but I’m not sure if that’s what I’m going to try while I’m here. I tried once and I thought maybe I can literally just teach dance classes without going out and being social. Just teach them there at camp. Oh man… the couple that I’ve been hanging out with had a weird twist that happened… hehe

So the woman and I have been hanging out… and I have been working a lot and so I see her on property but she wants to hang out and I’m polite and have small conversations but I continue to work. She asked me to help her move some of her stuff so she can get a new storage cabinet into her office space and I said I could do that. It took a few days but I kept trying after my shift. One night I ended up just chatting with her and her husband and I really enjoyed our conversation. She was telling me that her husband would love to talk about spirituality with me… and so of course I’m down and really enjoy  it. But I guess there was a comment that I made that upset her. I didn’t know it at the time. But I was saying that I’d like to move her stuff so I can check it off my list. I’ve got stuff I’d like to work on at my place and it would be nice to go ahead and get this done.  I guess it was a combination of different things. But she said that she misunderstood our relationship. She said she realized that I didn’t stay here in Orlando because of her. I was a little shocked by that comment and I said no… but you are a part of why I wanted to stay. I’ve been honest with her about my thoughts and she doesn’t seem to be listening to me…hehe… I know she is lonely but that also makes her a bit needy and I might be more sensitive because it’s a bit suffocating me… that’s dramatic… but it does make me want to create more space. I see her everyday but she’s not constantly texting me anymore which is nice. I explained to her where I’m going this weekend and who I’m spending time with. She thought since her husband doesn’t want to leave the house and do things with her… that we’d be going out doing things together. And I said we can do things but I’m not wanting to do them everyday. Most days I just want to go back and rest after work… hehe… anyway she’s still adorable… but I’m creating a little more space. 

I had to create a little more space from my buddy UK/Peru who has returned to Peru and he started to drink again and he’s been drunk texting me and I told him I don’t appreciate this and I’m sure he can find someone else who might because I do not. He apologized but he’s just talking chit-chat… no substance… like he’s bored. And damn it people I’m not bored… hehe… so I’m going to wait until after the weekend to see if I return his messages. I think I’d rather have a call then a text because I think he might be a more focused in a conversation with talking then texting and able to get distracted easier? 

Anyway I’m loving work and I’m learning things that I haven’t really done before. My boss in Colorado that master builder we mostly did carpentry and right now I’m learning more about pipe work… mostly irrigation, water drainage, and running electrical. I see that we make things and fix things and I tried to weld yesterday… hehe.. more challenging than I thought… he’s got the old school helmet and I’m like how in the hell do I even know where to place it? Haha and I guess there’s other factors that made it more challenging there was moisture on the stick and rusty metal pieces we were welding together. But I think there might be more opportunities and maybe he’ll show me other welding techniques. I think I can get the hang of it possibly. But maybe this isn’t the location to learn it. But I can see there’s a lot of new stuff I’ll be able to do while I’m here and I’m happy with that. 

Alright I’m looking forward to these next two days off. My Aya familia and his parents are looking forward to serving my breakfast/brunch in the late morning tomorrow. So I’m going to go ahead and get some rest. Until next time… enjoy ourselves!    

[withinUverse]

Alright… I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season… funny that I really don’t celebrate.. in a sense it’s like every other day… holy days, but I do enjoy everyone acknowledging a time to celebrate with people, but anyway… I hope everyone is enjoying themselves. It’s been a couple weeks and things have happened and there are gears moving and looking forward to see what will happen. So I had left off last time excited to take a few days off to visit some friends and it was awesome! I hadn’t visited the beach since we’ve been in Florida and I found myself at the beach with both of my friends. The first time was with my Aya famila… we ate an amazing breakfast that his mom and dad made for us… they are too sweet… I think the highlight was the frittata… so yummy but his dad made some blueberry pancakes and that’s always a crowd pleaser too.. hehe. Then we headed out for the beach… nice and easy beautiful day not too sunny but not cold either. Just hung out and caught up… we ended up meeting my friend I met at the Temple farm for her birthday celebration.. we were late for the late lunch gathering made it right at the end but just in time to go to the Buddha bar which really wasn’t a bar that one might assume. But the outside seating was extremely comfortable and intricate decor that was stunning and when the lights came on… magical. But the real magic was meeting my friend’s friends… we had live music playing in the background and we all sat and was chatting getting to know everyone. There were a few guys who were quiet but I was able to make my way to their couch asked to sit in between them and started to ask questions and engage with them… and they are cool and interesting guys they just are a bit on the shy side. I feel like they are the types that wait to be included instead of including themselves right off the back.  But it was a fun group and I really enjoyed myself. I was sitting next to my Aya familia and we both agreed we’d love to share Aya with this entire group. We went to a campfire afterwards as it was winding down. But the following day my girl friend from the Temple Farm and I went to the beach to share ceremony together. It was beautiful and powerful! She made her labyrinth in the sand and there were seagulls who were hover over us holding space. It was a windy day and overcast but we finally got our little beach tent up. We dragged all of these instruments out there too but didn’t even get a chance to play because the ceremony was pretty intense… hehe. 

So of course I haven’t learned to not want to have a beautiful ceremony that goes towards the feeling of Awakening…hehe… so we had Bufo and the first time I was unable to enter with her. I held space and she was processing and crying a little bit… and I continued to hold space. And she was able to communicate that she has a lot of trauma that is being held in her body trying to be released. And I wanted so bad to help her out. She naturally shivers and shakes during ceremony and we forgot her weighted blanket so I had her go get it and I was having issues with my butane lighter… so I was messing with it by the time she returned we were able to try again and this time we were able to go in together. I noticed I still wasn’t able to go in fully but it was just enough of what we needed to do. And this time… she purged her emotional baggage… she was purging physically and hehe I was trying to catch her vomit with my hands and throwing it onto the sand… but I started immediately singing to her and working on her body… I was shaking her body as well trying to get her energy moving… and I get into a state that I can’t explain but I was first singing to her but then I started to sing to her specific body parts that were holding her emotions and sucking it out of her body… as I was working she started to mumble a bit and finally she started screaming… and crying… but in the best way possible…. She needed to stop stopping herself… she finally was letting go and stop feeling like she shouldn’t be doing what her body wanted her to do. She’s an adoptee from China and she says she has trauma from both not knowing her birth parents and growing up with parents who raised her.  And she needs to purge this and she was able to do a very good session to start this process. So this beach closes at dawn and so near the end of our session I was just resting and holding space from her. She was sprawled out with her face in the sand… hehe and we started to hear jingling of keys and I look up and there is a security guard approaching us slowly and he asked… are you guys alright? And I said yes yes we’re good. He said well the beach is closed and I immediately told him oh ok… we’ll pack up right away and get off the beach and my girl friend still with her head planted in the sand lifts up her hand and gives him the thumbs up… hehe… and so he waits for us in the parking lot as we make the trips back and forth to get all of our stuff off the beach and into the car. But wow… very good and I appreciated to get a brief understanding where ceremony wanted to go by not entering in the first round. This happens rarely but I appreciated it this much more… right I’m always wanting to go in and helping with the people I share ceremony with and when I find I am unable to enter a part of me is disappointed because I don’t get a chance to help but she got a taste of what it’s like and where it was going to go before she dove deeper into the ceremony as well.. so it worked out perfectly and found it not disappointing at all.

I’m not going to go in chronological order because I just wanted to say that I have another girl friend who has been training with Shipibo in the Amazon and I’ve been keeping track of her. She comes to Florida from time to time and I had wondered if she’d be returning while I was here… and just saw her post less than an hour ago that she’s here until the end of February! Yay! I think we can work together while she’s here.. but we’ll see if we are aligned to do this together or not. But I think this group can possibly try Aya here in Florida instead of going to Peru to do this. And I told my Aya buddy to see if he’d be interested as well… so a very unexpected but extremely pleasant twist might be unfolding at this time. 

I have been wondering for myself what my next steps will be. My buddy who left for Peru is going to be returning at the beginning of February and I don’t want to live with him again. Ten days was enough for me to realize his energy isn’t something I’d like to be with in a consistent manner and so I had been talking to the owner of the property to see if I can move onto property. Actually I told him I’m looking for options and opportunities and he was the one who said he’ll find housing for me and that I”m welcome to stay longer because we work well together… then I suggested me moving onto property so I can learn more about living in my van. I can feel like I’m not in the city as much which I can also feel is getting to me slowly. The next steps I was going to be taking is to just volunteer and not work so much… I’m exhausted and I cannot even have enough energy to do anything I enjoy. I’ve been buying some crafts because I want to continue to be creative to feed my soul and many things are sparking my creativity on property going and bird watching and playing my flute… and I’d like to see if I can create so ideas. So I’m trying to see if I’m actually going to be staying on property or not. I think if I can get him to agree… I’d like to work three days with his other worker Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday… and that will be enough to pay for exchange of living on his property. I’ll have enough money for anything I would like or need during this time. I can also work on my van and get it more ready… I still have the three sensors that I’d like to replace and it sounds like I need to replace the back breaks now too. So being on property will be ideal to work on the van because there’s an engine sensor and a tire sensor so I won’t be driving the van while I work on it and being on property would just make much more sense. 

But then here is my girl friend fresh from the jungle! I’d love to hear about her plans while she’s here… Maybe for my upcoming birthday I can share in Aya… woohooo!! I’d like to also see if she’s down for a weekly ceremony instead of back to back.. and one of the people I met has a lot of land where she holds ceremony already and so there might be just the perfect spot for all of this. The Amazon girl might already have her ways of space but maybe I can make it easier for her… so let’s see how the next week unfolds. Very exciting in my opinion… what a great way to end and start a new year!  Alright this is all that I’ll share at this time. I’ve been trying to spontaneously meet people by using the meetup areas on the Couchsurfer app and Workaway apps… I wanted to get into this but as I’m writing… I really don’t want to go into at this time. Going to get ready to head to property. My owner of the property is a CPA and he’s doing year end and has been very busy… so I can just take my time today and kind of work on projects as they arise while he sleeps and wakes up when he can today. There are plenty of projects… so I’ll just go and get them taken care of. Alright everyone enjoy ourselves like always!  

[withinUverse]

Alright… I have all of these thoughts that are roaming in my mind… and I’m trying to just relax and not think too much and let it arrive but another part of me wants to purge… hehe… so yes my urge to purge is going to win out tonight. Let’s see how it goes. So I’ve been off for a few days now and oh man I love it! The owner of the property had to go out of town for business so I was able to take some extra days off and I knew I was going to enjoy it but I didn’t know how much information and ideas I was going to be getting by removing myself from working so much. Ha I don’t know why it’s surprising but I love how the Universe shows me potentially what I am missing out on when all I’m doing is spending my energy on one project that isn’t necessarily my project. I mean in a way working at this property connects to what I like to build in my projects but right I’m exhausted and I also feel myself wanting to get irritable at times but I don’t… but I can feel that itch wanting to be itched. So having the few days off has been a relief and release and much appreciated. I have been finding myself talking to the owner but not a full conversation. I think that’s just how our relationship is evolving. He’s very use to letting me know what he wants done around the property. And at times we work together and we ask each other questions but not all out conversations. And so I mostly say things in passing but he’s listening but I’m trying to give him hints possibly but allowing him to come up with how that looks like. I mentioned to him that I’m not use to working so much labor in so many consecutive days. I found that I feel like I feel responsible for owing him time and energy and money because I’m staying in an employee housing that he’s providing to me. I mean he’s not paying me much because he says he considers housing as part of the payment. But I feel like I have to work at least five days a week so I can give him enough work to live here. 

I’m not sure if I went through this or not but there are factors that are playing on my energy and I”m considering moving onto property but I’m also trying to not make hasty decisions. I think that’s why I want to purge a little and see what comes out. So some of the factors that are playing on me right now is that staying in this employee housing is right in the middle of the city next to a highway and all I can hear is cars passing all of the time. I have to drive to work and deal with traffic before and after work. I don’t mind the city conveniences and variety but honestly I don’t like how it feels to live in a city especially when it sounds like a city… hehe… here in Orlando we have to do U-turns everywhere because there are medians dividing the road and so it’s not a big deal but it’s just something I have to deal with especially in the van trying to do U-turns in traffic and having to go around the block or into drive ways or whatever so you can go in the correct direction. So I know when I’m on property the sound is different and much more preferred. We rarely hear any cars… and there are birds talking instead which to me is more preferred. Oh goodness there was a Sandhills crane who was talking and I didn’t realize how loud they could be. They usually walk around realistically quite… I don’t even notice when they walk close to where we are working but this talk was like everyone on the lake could hear him get our attention… hehe… but yeah I’d much rather hear the birds than the cars. 

My buddy whom I came to visit is going to be returning at the beginning of February. And at first I didn’t notice that this was rolling in my mind… when we were living together for over a week… it was chaotic to me and my energy was just everywhere. I couldn’t hardly focus on anything. He is a whirlwind I’m sure I said this but it felt like it to me. And he definitely wants attention… I wasn’t able to think about any of my plans with him around… I knew I wasn’t going to be able to until he left and that’s what I did. He’ll be here for about a month and I do not want to deal with that for a month. Plus since he’s been back to Peru we had been messaging back and forth a little but a few days ago I restricted him on messenger because I just had enough of that energy. I told him I do not mind waiting until February to talk to him again… I definitely don’t mind having some more space away from his energy. So he’s an alcoholic but is trying to get away from it. When he’s here in Florida working he’s able to do it much more successfully because he just works his butt off and he gets so exhausted that he doesn’t want to go to the bars. I think he still does from time to time when he’s here but he only drank one night when I was staying with him. When he’s back in Peru he has a much harder time distracting or focusing his attention away from the alcohol. So he started drunk texting me. And yes he was talking about us sharing the massage together and that he’s been thinking about me. He also talks about all of his drama which is constantly. And we’ve already spoke about whether he’s addicted to drama because it’s all of the time. I think he’d be absolutely bored if drama was removed from his life. And that’s not the case for me. And so I messaged him back asking him to get ahold of me when he’s sober and we can chat. Well… I don’t think he’s gotten sober because he continued to drunk texting me. I told him that I’m glad I’m a sound sleeper because I don’t wake up to his messages he sends me at really early hours of the morning… and I saw that we weren’t going to talk on the phone that it was just going to be through texting. So I think after the third or fourth drunk texting night I snapped a little. I’m not sure if that’s correct I didn’t snap but I definitely was much more forward with my intention and my boundaries and how I’d like to communicate. Of course he was drinking but I still communicated. He ended up drunk texting me his last time the night after our conversation and he said he was mad at me. And I told him I don’t care if he’s mad. I don’t care if he has a temper tantrum. He can live his life however he’d like to. He was telling me that I wasn’t a friend to him because I was telling him he shouldn’t drink. I told him that that is not what I said. I said to talk to me when he’s sober. I also told him that he makes himself miserable but it’s at that comfortable miserable… that possibly he hasn’t suffered enough to really want to change because suffering can be a powerful and intense teacher and instigator for changes. I told him he might even need to drink more to really really hit bottom to wake himself up… hehe… I said I’d suggest try to be more solitary but if that’s not something that sounds right for him right now.. then of course he can go to opposite extreme… hehe… of course I’m hoping he’s on the verge of wanting to change not saying he wants to change but motivated to do it. And if he’s not… then I’m not really interested in entertaining his games of repetition and drama. I also told him that we tried to play a little bit and there was no chemistry. I told him I’m not playing hard to get or whatever he thinks I might be doing to have a romantic slice in his life… I told him that is not what is happening. It was clear to me in that night participating with him that romance isn’t our relationship… and I’m not trying to find out if there could be chemistry in the future… no thank you! Anyway this was a factor. 

I overslept one morning because I was thinking of what I needed to do before he showed up in February. The same morning I overslept so did the owner and so he asked what would I have on my mind to over sleep and I told him that I’m trying to figure out my next steps because I don’t want to live with my buddy. Of course we didn’t have a full on conversation but the owner ended up calling me up that night and said that I don’t have to be worried about having to live with him when he comes. He said that he has different options for me and mentioned three other locations. And then this was my opportunity to mention that my ideal situation was to actually move onto property. I’d prefer to live in my van and tent instead of an apartment or room in a home. People seem to disbelieve me when I say this… but I told him that I plan on living this way and I haven’t even gotten much practice in doing this. Yes I enjoy the daily baths and kitchen but I want to travel in my van all over and I need much more time to see how it works because I’m new to this. And he seemed to be fine with it. He seemed a bit hesitant thinking this might not be the safest or most comfortable but I think he understood how much I love to learn and this is what I really want to work on learning so it’s going to be much more useful in my near future. So this is another factor that is on my mind… I want to live in my van and tent… but also on land. So of course my first idea is the property that I’ve been working on. But… I think there are other options that I hadn’t been really considering. But that’s the thing I’ve reached out to other options and they aren’t very prompt in responses so as much as I’d like to see other land and other opportunities I don’t know if they’ll be able to respond for me to check out within the month before I want to leave the employee housing before February. 

So I’m thinking about the current property but I’m also wanting to talk to the owner of reducing the days I work. One of the employees that’s been permanent here for decades only works on Tues, Wed, and Thurs… and so I’m thinking these would be the days I’d be working. I’d love to have the other days off to do my own thing. And now that I’m having my days off and thinking of new ideas and plans then I’d much rather be doing the new shift than working for the owner for some cash. So again I think about housing… so I think I’m going to suggest that I move into a volunteer situation. For a general reference what I’m thinking is I make about $70/day and so around $200/week if I only work three days. And this would be the rent for me to camp on his land. $800/month. And if he agrees to this then I’ll be much more relieved again I don’t know why but I feel like I pressure myself when I’m getting paid. I’m not sure how to explain it but I also feel like since he’s paying me he can have me do whatever he wants and sometimes I just don’t enjoy doing what I’m doing. Not all of the time and maybe I was overworking and on the verge of irritation but yeah… if I volunteer in return of camping on the land will feel much more mutual in my mind. And most of the week I can choose how and where I place my energy and time instead of the owner’s projects. Not that I”m not learning new skills which I like but still… When we were talking on the phone about housing options we was offering.. I also mentioned to him that I’m hoping he can start to see me less of a worker bee and more as a community member. He said that he likes how we work together and doesn’t mind working things out with me, but I also don’t really know what all of my options are at this time and didn’t want to make a commitment. As much as I’d like to get out of the city sounds… I also don’t want to rush… I have four weeks to make a decision. I just feel like the longer I stay in this housing the more I’m going to lean towards working more days but I hope to not think this way much longer… I’m not sure if he’ll start considering me a volunteer and having me pay for this housing for $800/month? Actually I feel like he might think that might be adequate exchange. So maybe I’ll just go ahead and start the volunteering aspect instead of a paid worker. I’m sure I can arrange if I decide to work an extra day then I can get paid for that day but that removes my obligation and gives me a way to continue making some money for food and gas. But I think I might have an alternative way to make some money here soon possibly. And this is mostly what I’d like to purge about and what’s on my mind more. 

I had mentioned that a girl I know has come from the Amazon in Peru and she’s holding ceremonies here. Something was triggered when I started to think about it more. I was speculating on how I’d like to approach her if we shared ceremonies together and if she needs any help with her Kambo that I could possibly help her out. And I was speaking to my two friends along the coast and things started entering into my mind. Why am I not hosting my own ceremonies? I mean I’m very selective with who I share my ceremonies with but also my energy levels also helps determine whether I want to share or not. Right now I feel like I’m ready to share more but I’m also not sure exactly how I’d approach it. I mean I have the trifecta that I can share with people but what if I had Aya to share with people? If I had Aya to share with people I’d be again selective but also work a month with people at a time. I’d much rather have a night with a master plant and the next night sharing Aya. This is the setup of what I did when I was doing my shamanic dieta and it was such a nice approach to ceremonies. This is why I usually suggest to people to take at least a month off when going to the jungle for Aya retreats… and also suggest to work with master plants along with it. Well… many I know aren’t setup to take that month off but… if i”m here and living in the area with them… why do we have to go to the jungle to do it? The wilderness here is very nice and feels a bit like the jungle in a way and I’ve been curious to see what Aya does when outside of the jungle. Right I’m trying to take Aya to the Himalayas eventually so I know I’m going to be working my way out of the jungle at times… and wondering why I wouldn’t be able to start to try it out right now? My original thoughts is to share with my two friends on the coast and possibly one man who lives on property. But I’ll get to him a bit later I hope. But yes I started to think about sharing Aya instead of only the prep for Aya with the trifecta. And so I started to think about supplies. How do I get Aya here? I looked into mailing it but honestly it would probably take a very long time or else quite a bit of investment to air mail it. And if I’m going to be investing that much money… how else could I bring the supplies over? I thought possibly my buddy who is coming in February and just buy for an extra checked bag. But then I’m like why wouldn’t I go ahead and bring the shaman I’ve worked with most. He’s traveled with Aya to the States and Europe and has the certificates to bring his ceremonial supplies. So why don’t I just fly him here? 

So as much I love this man… he also is a challenging relationship as well. I’m not sure if everyone knows what went down between us during my three month dieta but let’s just say I had a message in my dreams trying to warn me of what I was going to have to face during dieta that I was trying to deny… he was going to be sexually aggressive and was going to be competitive with our powers and talents inside of ceremonies. I wasn’t going through this the entire time or anything but yes I had to deal with this and I cannot wait until I am fluent in Spanish to actually have a deep heartfelt but no bullshit conversation with him. I know he’s going to be a partner for my ceremonies damn it he’s family and his family is family and I understand that he isn’t as experienced hence aware of these and we are teaching one another… so I’m patient in a way with him. And recently he had sent me a video message saying that he loves me. I didn’t respond for probably a few days to possibly a week. And again I honestly tell him that I’m not looking for a romantic relationship with him. I see him as a business partner and a family member but not romantic partner. So we have this dynamic that is going on and so of course my first thought isn’t to bring him to Florida to work with me…. But I think I can make it work 

So I have that Sweden friend who I still talk with and he’s in Indonesia right now. Gosh I don’t want to go into our relationship either… I feel like there are many men in my life who seem to be drawn to me physically or romantically that I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. But anyway I asked him if he’d be willing to be our translator to see if we can make a mutual agreement for when the shaman comes to share ceremony. And this is what I want to purge out. What all do I want to discuss while having a translator? First of all I don’t think I’m going to be mentioning that I’m not romantic and only business/family when he’s going to be here… I’m not sure if I’m going to explain this dynamic to my Swedish friend. I’m not sure he needs to know this dynamic that I have to deal with. But I’m going to be housing the shaman as he’s here… and so I don’t want the shaman to misunderstand any of my intentions. So I’ve already been looking at getting another tent for him to have his own space. So yes that’s the first of the concerns that I want to discuss with a translator. His expectations of how he’s supposed to be treated as a shaman. So yes he’s a little badass but he expects people to treat him superior to themselves and that isn’t how I treat him because he’s just another one of us. I give him respect but I respect everyone. And so money is going to be a huge discussion. How I met this shaman was through Aya retreat and he was not the business partner he was the ceremonial part. So he doesn’t really understand what goes into setting up a retreat. When I went to him for my dieta I had sent him money before I arrived for him to pretty much take care of me while I was there. When I arrived he had already spent the money and he didn’t have a bed for me, no groceries, and expected for me to pay for all of it again when I arrived and all transportation. I didn’t give him anymore money but I also told him he now owes me money and that will be sharing ceremonies for free for myself or friends coming with me. So again he just doesn’t have the experience in business to understand this well. And he wants to charge like a retreat charges but he doesn’t offer all of the conveniences that retreats provide and if he comes here… we do not have a setup… we are going to be setting it up as we go and so I have to see what he expects to make while he’s here. What amount is worth him to coming and sharing. I personally do not want to charge outrageous prices for ceremonies which Im sure I don’t have much experience as well so it’s challenging for me to find a value for ceremonies… they are extremely valuable for me but also because of it’s valuable it’s hard for me to not want to share this with people even if we don’t have the money and so a highly reduced amount is what I’m looking to do. I’d like to know how much he charges a local to share ceremonies… a Peruvian local cannot pay for the amounts that foreigners pay. Now I understand that there will be a scale to compare but that’s the thing.. I’d like to have him stop seeing US citizens as ATMs… he doesn’t understand my level of money I live on and thinks I’m an ATM and just has that assumption… I’m trying to give him a better reality check.

So yes this will be our first time for us to share time and ceremonies in more of my space instead of his. So I’m not going to get him a hotel or an Airbnb… he’s going to be camping out just like I am. And I want him to have his separate space so going to get his own tent. I have some extra sheets and pillows and cushions for him to sleep with. But I’d like to humble him a bit more. Because of our weird dynamics a part of me is not wanting him to stay long… hehe… I just don’t want him to think I’m wanting anything related to romantic intentions by having him here for long periods of time, but I also think this might be my issue not necessarily something that is set in stone. But I’ve been thinking about this a lot in the last few days and I’m thinking that this might be a tester to see how well we work in this type of setup because I can see if it goes well that as I travel and find communities who I think would benefit for having both of us in ceremony I can see bringing him back a few more times this year. But again nothing is set in stone… I’m purging out ideas that are going through my mind. There are people who I’d love to share Aya with and having Aya come to the States would make it much more plausible than having people traveling to the jungle. I also don’t feel like we can charge much because we don’t have a shelter or housing for people either. I think I found the location but I really don’t know what or how many buildings are on the land so I’m assuming people will have to camp as well on the land. I think I’m going to ask for the breakfast and lunch to be a pitch in as well. I am thinking about making a “maloca” (ceremony space) that I can carry with me in the van. But right my mind keeps wanting to get all the supplies I’d like to provide for everyone but right I don’t know if I can actually carry all of these supplies comfortably in the van as I travel so having people be more cooperative and collaborative might be more realistic and beneficial and reduces the cost. Oh my there is so much I’d like to talk about but I feel like I’m hitting a wall right now because I’m just hardly able to keep my eyes open right now. I guess this will be the end of my purge on here. And see if I can pick it back up tomorrow? Maybe? Ok good night… enjoy ourselves!  

[withinUverse]

Alright I think I’ll go ahead and attempt to purge a little more. It’s funny because I didn’t go into much detail yesterday and was a little odd but now that today has happened I’m glad I didn’t have to go through it all. So I wanted to wait for my Swedish buddy to translate for me talking with the shaman I thought would be coming to join us. But today I thought I will not know when he’ll be free and available so I have a lot of details to talk to him about so I might as well go ahead and try to get as much as we can discuss and then with the translator we can confirm everything. So I reached out to the shaman telling him I’d like to discuss details and see if we mutually agree. And right off the back he says he wants me to go through it briefly. And so I said if he doesn’t have the time right now to go through things then we’ll go ahead and setup a different time. Because I’d like to discuss business arrangements and there are details I want to go over… not briefly but throughly.. hehe… I’m not overly excited to work with him right now because of the challenges we’ve been going through but I’m willing to work with him. But I told him that I’m thinking about asking another shaman we both know to come too. Whether it’s going to be with or without him. And when I mentioned this he said that he went to Germany with her and that he didn’t like her behavior. And I asked what about her behavior did you not like? How did ceremonies go? Were the guests satisfied? He said that the ceremonies went well and guests were happy but she made comments regarding her not trusting him much and feels like he had a hand in her sister’s death. The male shaman use to work with his partner which had past a few years back. I was hoping to work with both of them but she did pass and I helped ship her body back to her family to bury. But her sister is apprenticing into shamanism and she joined the male shaman to Germany. So he didn’t like her talking to him in that way. And I told him that she has the right to have her express her feelings and that they can work things out. If he didn’t have anything to do with it then he should be getting so defensive. I reminded him that I wasn’t happy with how he treated me the last time I shared ceremonies with him either. But just because I’m not overly joyful to work with him… I am able to work with him because I want to share the best ceremonies for the guests at this time. I also told him he has feelings for me that is not mutual and I wish it was that easy to have him change his mind and just do what I’d like him to do, but that’s not reality. Same will apply for her. And I don’t think he liked me mentioning any of this to him. And he said that I should already know that he’s the ruler of the Universe and guided by his grandmother and then he goes to say that one of his female family member works with practices of Satanism, and he’s worked with her before. And I’m looking at the translator and I’m like… what the hell? Is this correct? And so I ask him directly. Do you think you are the ruler of the Universe? And he responded about talking about his grandmother. And then I ask him directly if he practices Satanism with his relative? Again he continues with his grandmother. I remember him talking about his grandmother, but I was going to get these questions answered. And he just continues to avoid the direct questions. And so I finally tell him that I’m no longer interested in working with him at this time. I told him that I’m going to restrict our communication and might go ahead and block him as well. He said that is fine and so I blocked his ass… hehe… and I know this sounds crazy but people can have twisted parts to their personality and he’s no different. And I know this about him… not this part of it … I mean I understand that he does love power and he is powerful but not understanding that he’s practiced in Satanism as well… and he never comfirmed anything and honestly I’d like to hear what his definition of this means and what they are practicing but I wonder why he was even telling me this. But I’ve been giving him the benefit of the doubt for far too long and have given him a break on the shit we’ve been through. But right now… I didn’t hesitate to block him. I don’t want to deal with this shit right now. 

I’ve had messages in ceremonies of working with him and having him as family and his family is still very close to me and I’m not going to block all of them just because of his unconscious behaviors. I just don’t mind allowing the Universe to have us meet in person to be able to communicate. It’s odd to see this being quite easy for me now adays. Honestly once I removed my Aussie man from social media… I feel like it’s been quite easy for me to remove more from my life. I feel like me being able to do this to the Aussie the man of my dreams but leaving it up to the Universe to have us meet in person before we’ll speak again… I’m guessing but yeah if I’m able to do this with him… .then there isn’t much that is stopping me from doing it with others as well. Just like this shaman. I don’t need to talk to him until the Universe allows us to talk again if we talk again. I plan on going to the village to visit his family but I don’t need to engage with him to do this. I have their accounts and speak with them off and on throughout the year so it’ll be easy to get ahold of them when I return. Just like my buddy in Peru coming back in February. I didn’t block him but I did restrict him from drunk texting me. I don’t mind waiting until February to chat with him again. I hope when he’s here he is sober for the most part and we’ll have an amicable relationship but yeah if he acts disrespectful or just not in a mutual manner than I won’t hesitate to remove people from my life even if it’s temporary. But instead of having myself having to figure out when I’d like to bring them back in… I’ll just let the Universe do this for me. 

So I went ahead and reached out to the female shaman and was asking her if she has all her documents to be able to travel to the US. And she doesn’t. She went to Germany but she only needed a passport and not a visa. While the US needs a visa. I haven’t actually shared ceremonies with her. We’ve hung out a few times in different cities but never shared ceremonies so I wasn’t sure if she was going to be confident to lead a ceremony so I suggested that we have her nephew join us. The original female shaman who passed and was working with to begin with had talked to her son about me and so he’s been reaching out wanting to work with me. But he doesn’t have his visa either. So I was telling both of them that they can look into getting their visas and see what I can do to help out. But the aunt will be doing two groups of Aya ceremonies in Iquitos in February and we probably can’t get their visas earlier than three months and a likelihood that it will take longer than that too. But I told her I don’t know how long I’ll be in this area but if she gets her visa it will be valid for 10 years and it will allow much more opportunities for her. As she continues to share ceremonies with people the more opportunity to get invites to share ceremonies. I also might be sharing ceremonies in more than the Florida area. But if she wants to open more opportunities that she can look into the forms needing to be submitted. I will help as much as I can but I’m not necessarily the prime US contact to host her here… hehe… I don’t have a permanent address or a large bank account to verify her stay here. But we can work around this with other people who can help.

But anyway…. I spoke to my Aya familia guy who lives by the coast about the conversation with the male shaman and he wasn’t surprised actually. He said that he trusts me ultimately and he only continues working with him because of me. I have shared ceremonies with other shamans with him and I also explained that there is a possibility that I’m going to work with this male shaman in the future but right now… no! So we were brainstorming… he said that he’d honestly just like to have me get the supplies and just have me share it. And honestly I think I want to as well but I think I’d approach it differently and maybe that’s where I want to go right now. I feel like there has been more messages to me lately that I’m about to go towards sharing ceremonies right now; however, what type of ceremonies isn’t clear at this moment. But I hadn’t been sharing ceremonies since my dieta. I was there from October 2021 to December and then spent an additional five months in different areas. So wow it has been four years now and in the four years I’ve hardly shared any ceremonies. But if any who have been following along will get an understanding that I went through the Awakening transition and it was not straight forward for me and it’s taken me a long time but the perfect amount of time to ground myself in this state of being. But I do have a feeling that I’d like to share more ceremonies but I still have hesitations. I’ll repeat myself if people are following along but in case you haven’t I have been training in shamanism and I’ve only lead two Aya ceremonies out of 48 ceremonies. I’m use to assisting in ceremonies but not leading. When it came to leading the two ceremonies… it was not by my decision say ok it’s my time to lead… no that was not the case. It was the Aya ceremonies who nudged me… hehe… actually kicked me in the butt and said guess what… it’s time for you to lead… surprise and work it out… and that’s what I had to do. The first time I was in my master plant dieta and it was only me and the male shaman. When it came to ceremony time we drank and we usually rest until it’s “time” and we both knew it was time but the male shaman wasn’t able to sing his Icarus. At that time I was relying on the shamans to get me into shamana mode is what I call it. I transform and normally when I hear the first Icaros I start my purging process and this gets me ready for the transformation. And literally when I’m purging from time to time I look up and around because my vision completely changes when I’m in shamana mode. I’ve been doing this a while and so this is my tell tale sign that the shift has happened. And usually instantly after my entire demeanor changes into shamana mode. But that’ was what I was learning at this ceremony. Ceremony was telling me… ok what are you going to do now? The male shaman cannot sing his icaros… his voice is struggling right now and yes he was battling trying to sing. And so if you can’t wait for him to sing to you for you to transform… can you transform yourself? And that’s exactly what I had to do. I had to purge myself to get into shamana mode and when I did I looked at the male shaman and started singing icaros that came from my mouth… and I then became the lead for that ceremony. He told me that he’s never had that happen before and didn’t want me to tell anyone, but that’s just his ego trip. I lead the second ceremony and this was when there were more guests with us. I had brought two friends with me and the male shaman had two of his sons there. So there were a total of six of us. We already had two ceremonies together and I was the assistant position. But the last ceremony to close the ceremonies with this group Aya ceremony again had me lead without any planning. Just like usual we drink and then we rest until it’s “time.” I woke up when I start to feel the energies shifting and I start to hear the guests moving around and I know that it’s about to start but I hear the male shaman snoring. He didn’t wake up. So I’m sitting there trying to wake him up but trying to not make it so obvious… I’m clearing my throat loudly and coughing… I say his name a few times… and then all of a sudden I go into purge mode to become shamana and then I again am the first to start singing icaros… so I was the lead in this ceremony again. This was a very interesting ceremony to lead since there were more guests in the space and I got a really amazing way to understand how different it is in ceremony to when I’m an assistant and when I’m the lead. His sons haven’t really had ceremonies without their dad leading. well I think one of his sons had gone and done a dieta with another shaman so he had one alternative reference, but the other had not and it was really interesting to see their response when I was leading. I also remember in the ceremony I was speaking with the three of them together. Essentially I was trying to tell the male shaman that we don’t need him to train his sons to become versions of him. What we need in ceremony is for him to allow his sons to develop their own skills and abilities and have their authentic selves come through not carbon copies. But anyway… I’m trying to say that I’m not one who just jumps in saying that I’m the lead when it comes to Aya ceremonies. And this isn’t the first time ceremonies have tried to show me that I’m much more than what I think of myself and so I appreciate it kicks me or nudges me to step out and expand beyond the walls I place myself in. After resting for these past years and not doing ceremonies I have been able to integrate into this new version of myself. It’s been interesting to watch my thinking process these last few days.

The Universe sent a woman here to Florida from the jungle who is coming to share Kambo and Aya. And I start to think of working with her and sharing ceremonies with her. She did get back to me and said she brought Aya back for the first time to share here. She’s been apprenticing for the past few years. And she lives there so it’s been much more consistent than my presence in the jungle. But I’m not certain where she’s at with leading a ceremony either and I’m curious about it. But anyway.. I see myself giving her the lead position… and then I go to thinking wait… why wouldn’t I be the lead position… I’d love to share ceremonies I told the male shaman that the next time we share ceremonies I will not allow him to take advantage of me. I’ve been working on myself and I’m going to continue to work on myself so my power in ceremonies will expand so I will not be so susceptible for him to take advantage of. But really wouldn’t the best way for me to get better at this would be to be in Aya ceremonies more? And the most ideal situation would be for me to lead? But I also found myself thinking that I do not have Aya supplies. So I started to think well I don’t have to be the lead… let’s get some of the shamans I know here to share ceremonies with groups and when they leave they can leave the extra supplies so I can continue my practices. But now that I’m reaching out to the shamans I’m starting to see that they aren’t gong to be coming at this time. I told my Aya familia today that I’m going to walk through the steps and see what the Universe has to tell me. The male shaman is not going to come right now. The female and the son is not going to be here right now. And so the next step is for me to reach out to a friend I know who lives in Peru or actually he just recently returned to Peru and he’s made my Aya before and I’m going to see if he’s made a batch recently and if he’s willing to mail it to me. So this is the next step of the process. This will determine if I’m going to be allowed to share at this time or not. And the last option will be for me to share Aya with the woman who just arrived and is sharing for the first time. I’m not sure what her cost for ceremonies.. but I sent a message to her as well to see. It’s been almost four years since I’ve had Aya and honestly I’ve been giddy to get the opportunity to share Aya space again. Only a few months in this new style of living Im trying… I would feel so grateful to get some guidance right now. Technically I’m getting messages and guidance but there is a difference when I’m in Aya space and I’m finding myself trying not to be too eager but also going to do my best effort to see if I can get it here relatively soon. But also I know I can also offer the trifecta prep work with people as well and I can continue doing this and I feel like I’m ready to share more with the people I’m meeting. 

So yeah it’s been insightful to see when I’m alone and decide to go to different locations and events… I meet some interesting people who might just be the perfect candidates for ceremonies. Or at least start to be added to my list of people to watch… not literally but in my peripheral awareness hoping that down the line we align to work together one day. And so I see the value of not working so much but I’m also looking at what all the supplies I would need to gather to host ceremonies. And so a part of me is like… work another month and then slow down but we’ll see how it goes because maybe I don’t need all the supplies that I hope to share with people to make people comfortable. Maybe I’ll just have to ask for more help in collaboration is the way to go instead. We’ll see I happened to see this 12’ X 12’ star gazer gazebo online that I think would be great alternative for a maloca for ceremonies. But also I can use it to be more comfortable as I’m living the van life. I keep finding myself wanting to do my projects and it might become more of my studio space when I’m not hosting ceremonies. I’m really not over thinking even though it may sound like it. i find that I’m not getting worked up with any of the situations that are going on… i just feel so much calmer right now. And so even though my thoughts are dying to figure everything out… like I”m doing with the Journal of purging… but I’m trying to just relax into everything and just go with whatever happens. It’s been interesting to see who has been coming into my awareness right now and I’m wondering if the Universe is giving me hints with people who want to work at this time together in Spiritual aspects. So ok… I think I didn’t gain a lot of insights right now but I’m glad I got to purge more out. It looks like the woman who is hosting Aya and Kambo in Florida just messaged me… I’m wondering if she has the cost for me… one second. Oh she just emoji-ed my message and no message… hehe.. ok I’ll go ahead and close this up for now. I want to work on my little sculpture… hehe… ok enjoy ourselves until next time! 

[withinUverse]

Good morning… I was very tired last night and went to bed early and now I’m awake at 4am and I kept getting messages as I was sleeping and I guess I want to write out what is going on right now. So after I blocked my shaman who I had been working with and thought would be able to come and share ceremony. I am still waiting for the lady from the Amazon here in Florida to respond with details as well. I was waiting for my buddy to reach out to see when he can translate for me but I just couldn’t wait any longer. I wanted to see if any of the other shamans that I’ve been speaking with have their visas to come and share ceremony and the two that have been reaching out do not have their visas but they have their passports. Just to keep repeating myself so people can understand who I’m talking about. When I originally started Aya I started with two shamans the male shaman who I have blocked and a female shaman who is his partner who had passed away. I was able to help send her body back to her family for the funeral. And her family has been reaching out since this and I have met her sister who is also apprenticing as a shamana. She is the one who went to Germany with the male shaman but she had shared good ceremonies but the male shaman didn’t like that she thought he had to do with the female shamans death. But I have spent time with her in Pucallpa but also in Cusco… just hanging out together we haven’t shared ceremonies together. But she does not have a visa and she will be working with two groups in Iquitos in February. The shamana who had passed also has a son who is a shaman and he was taught by her mom and he’s been reaching out to me for years. We’ve never met in person but he’s been wanting to share ceremony with me too. I’m not sure if anyone has dealt with third world countries… but some people are on the verge of desperation some times… they really want to figure out ways to get money from say Americans who they feel have this abundance of money to give out. And at times they will share their stories of hardship to try to get this assistance. Of course a part of me wants to be able to share with everyone but that is not where I’m at and so I have to be more discerning. I haven’t had things given to me and so I’ve been learning on how to get things done without it given to us. So I am trying to figure out how they can do this too. But as I was talking to these two shamans another family member of the female shaman who passed reached out for the first time. Her brother and I was talking to him. All of these conversations where seeing if they have visas and no one does. And then I’m trying to figure out how to get ceremonial supplies here and with her brother we were going over all the supplies and then we started talking about prices. When he sent me the prices it was outrageously high. I was shocked but I guess I’m not surprised but I don’t understand why this is the first attempt for them to get money. So just an example there is a cologne that is used often in ceremonies. It’s not the top ceremonial supply on my list but it’s an example. So there is an Agua de Florida bottle. He wanted to charge me 150 soles. I looked up online and I can get this same bottle for only 25-28 soles here in the US and if I was in Peru and go to the market I can buy it for 10-15 soles. This is only one bottle and this was how the prices were throughout the entire process. Everything is ten times the cost and so everything starts to add up. I would already have to pay $150+ for shipping DHL for a week delivery because if you go with the cheaper shipping it is more likely to get lost in the system and if it even reaches its destination it will take closer to a month or two to arrive. But paying these shipping costs it’s already adding cost to each item then being charged crazy amounts… I literally understood where he was when dealing with me. He is in that state of desperation. And I told him that I’m not interested in working with him to get these supplies. Hehe I told him i don’t know who he thinks I am but I cannot afford these prices. i told him that he wouldn’t be a candidate on my list for a visa option because of the way he charges me for supplies. He isn’t looking to be fair he’s looking to gain and the way he treats me is likely the way he will treat our guests. And he admitted that he had lost his house and they are going through hardships. They had to move into their sisters house and so yes… I guess he feels like I am the candidate to get him out of this situation? I’m not sure but I’m not that candidate. 

So the son was getting back to me and asked me if I could send him an invitation letter for his visa and he’d be able to get approved in two weeks. And I was thinking this was unusual to be able to get it so fast. But I also didn’t have to have him arrive so quickly. I told him that I’d like to invite he and his aunt to come and she’s working the month of February. So we don’t need to have him approved in two weeks. Plus I don’t think they understand that I’m going to be camping and hosting in the woods so I want to get a shelter that can hold people for ceremonies. I’ve looked at different options now and I told him that I’m most likely going to have to build a space so I’d need time and the months that is normally taken will be needed. But I started to look up what this invitation letter is… and it’s for a vistor’s visa and it’s pretty straightforward but it’s unlikely to get approval in two weeks Since it’s average of eight months to get an appointment for the US embassy in Lima. But there could be a possibility to move the date forward. But anyway looking at this invitation letter it seems quite easy and it would give them a 10 year visa, but then I found out that it doesn’t allow them to actually get paid while they are here. So if they happen to get caught getting paid they could potentially not allow them to return to the US ever to the extreme penalties. And that would not be the way I’d like for us to move forward. I’m not wanting them to get only this one chance to come and get a little money and then never have the opportunity to return. This isn’t a sustainable way to work together. And possibly they could come say four time or ten times without getting caught but I figured there is a legit way to get them over here. And so I started to look at other visas. I think we are going to go through the P3 visa. It’s about allowing unique cultural performances to come and share their culture. This allows them to get paid while they are here but there are more involved steps that will have to take place. I’ll have to get of experts in the the Amazonian indigenous tribes that will have research knowledge about the Shipibo tribes and will need to give information to prove that the Shipibo culture is truly a unique culture. We’ll have to get documentation of the shamans I want to work with by pictures and videos of how they live and work for an expert or board of experts to review to determine if the people I’m trying to sponsor are authentic Shipibo shamans. So yes this type of visa is much more than me sending a letter that I want them to come and I’ll take care of them while they are here. And I’d be willing to do this; however, I’ve never shared ceremonies with either of them. So I am not willing to commit to this time and effort until I share ceremonies with them. So… I think I’m going to Peru instead. 

So yes yesterday morning I started to think that the best play right now is for me to return to Peru for a month. I wasn’t expecting to return at this time but all of this Aya conversations and my mind and body is wanting to connect and the easiest way is to just get over there. I’ll share ceremonies with the son and the sister… most likely even the brother… but I have shamans that I work with as well in the area that I will reach out to as well. But I also have their families that I’d like to spend time with. When it comes to what I said at the very beginning I was having dreams or more like messages while I was sleeping. I want to possibly focus more on their unique culture to bring over and share with the US.. not just their ceremonies. Just an example… their Icaros… their songs in ceremony are so very unique and powerful and I’d love to see if they’d be interested in sharing the songs with people here in the US. I’m just brainstorming right now but I could see locations that would be interested in possibly mixing in pranayama techniques with sound baths along with Icaros. So say we teach shamanic breathwork to alter the state of the audience and have this connection of music to help elevate consciousness without having to take Aya. But then I started thinking about their artwork is unique and connected to ceremonies but audiences don’t have to be in a ceremony to start to understand the symbolism used in their artwork that is unique to their spiritual practices. So I’m not sure what is coming up in my mind for different ways to share this with audiences but I see this as a possibility and I think all involved would enjoy these opportunities. So yes I think I’ll be reaching out to nonprofits and anthropologist and who else knows to get these visas but again I want to see who I’d like to bring over and actually how many. I might want to bring more than just shamans. But all of this is just bubbling in my mind and I’m open to see what happens when I return to the jungle and see what guidance I can receive at this time during ceremony. 

This type of visa also only allows for a year visa that is specific… so we’d need to submit itineraries and locations. So I think I have to be completely transparent… so in my particular situation in a very simplified version of what I do.. I am an Aya shaman who is not Shipibo… this is illegal in the US and people don’t consider me a valid candidate to be a shaman. And I’m not trying to validate everyone who thinks this way… but this is my practice and I’d love to be able to practice it more. If I can find a legal way to share ceremonies by bringing shipibos to share… then this is what I’ll do. Going through the process of getting them approved for visas is most likely an experience I want to go through. I don’t think that the Shipibos are going to be the only indigenous groups that I’d like to travel and share their unique cultures so why not start getting use to understanding this process. I’d like to get a network of professionals who were already interested in indigenous cultures so yes… I could see how beneficial this process will be going through the steps and letting things unfold. A little bit of me is struggling with the timing right now… I’m trying not to pin myself in with the timing but my mind is imagining all of this taking so much time and that just means that it’s going to take me forever to get to say Oaxaca, Mexico. I understand that sharing ceremonies in a legal manner at least more legal than just underground ceremonies… than I’m very interested to explore this opportunity and time shouldn’t be a concern but it’s honestly something that is coming up. 

Goodness I just had to stop my cat from fighting from a neighborhood cat.It didn’t get to a fight I could just hear him growling and so I jumped up and then I saw the spotted white cat outside and then I saw my buddy go chasing after him but I stopped him from going too far. This is the first time I saw him do this as we were here and this is something else that I’ve been thinking about. I thought possibly that I’d only leave for a month and have Elvis stay here, but of course now that I see him acting like this I don’t want anyone to have to watch him while I’m away. I don’t know of anyone who will be able to or willing to give him the attention that I’d like so maybe I take him with me. And if I take him with me that also means that I don’t have to restrict myself to just a month. Since I’ve been working so much I haven’t been able to spend much time with him anyways… so it’ll be nice to vacation with him for a while. I’ve been wanting to visit Contamana with the birds..I’ve been watching birds with my little mini binoculars and I’ve been loving it and yes I want to go and see more birds… hehe and I also been thinking of returning to a couple of shamans in Tarapoto that I haven’t seen in a long time. And so I think I need to look at this a little more. I might have to work by but off for the next two weeks to try to save up as much money as I can so I can be more able to explore. I think if I want to go to these locations I’ll be more likely to use public transportation while I’m in Peru… taking the boats and buses to get around instead of just flying everywhere to save on some money and more opportunities to run into situations and people that can happen by taking the local way of traveling. So ok… I wanted to purge out some thoughts right now.. and now I’m wanting to look up the vets in the area and see if I can get his checkups scheduled so we can travel here in a few weeks. I don’t see having an issue storing my van here at the apartment or on the property. But yeah I’m going to have to pinch my pennies right now… I need to see where I’m going to have to allocate the money right now. Ok… my mind wants to explore this so I’m going to get off of here so I can do this. Ok until next time.. enjoy ourselves! 

[withinUverse]

(Follow up response from my previous post)

 

I looked at taking my cat with me and he’d be like an extra $600 and I cannot swing that right now. I went ahead and decided I will not be going to Peru as much as I’d like to and how much I miss the jungle and the people… but it’s not in my budget right now. But I am going to continue to see if I can get the ceremonial supplies sent over. I also told them I am unable to commit to getting their visas until we share ceremonies. I feel like I can start some of the steps by talking to the experts in Amazonian cultures and things of this nature, but to qualify specific shamans I will wait until I know who I want to sponsor to come over.  I just don’t think I’ll be in the US for much longer and this will delay me moving forward… and I’d rather move forward and see how things unfold. I’d love to have Aya right now, but she will be if we’re supposed to work together at this time… and I can continue to wait if it’s not. Alright… getting ready for work. Enjoy ourselves like always!

Edited yesterday at 12:23 PM by withinUverse