"The Great Reset"

[eos_nyxia]

....

 

>insert something later<

[eos_nyxia]

GOD, DO I HAVE TO...?:   being a poor sport, though it's beyond any actual complaints at this point. But what do you do, when you really, truly, genuinely... do. not. want to? Like... you do and don't, but you gotta pick a thing. Well, I'm picking the "right" thing, because ultimately I always strive to do so, and I STILL don't truly want to on a personal level. Thus the continued feet-dragging.

 

Do I have to talk to these people?

Do I have to see them, and do I have to be seen?

Do I have to exist for their benefit, and do I have to keep wearing the pretense that I’m existing mainly for mine?

Do I have to keep re-attaching myself to this idea of having a Life?  (like...  is just being as life not fine enough?)

Do I have to synthesize desire for the millionth thing which has not come naturally to me? And do I have to let myself desire for real this time?

Do I have to ask? /// Do I have to do even more?

 

God, what if I just don't want to? What if I refuse?

What if I've seen more than enough, and I never want to see them again? What if I never want to be seen?

What if I don’t want to see myself in them, and have them see themselves in me?

What if I’d rather be unfriendly, angry, bitter, confused, troubled, standoffish, disconnected... what if I’d rather somehow manufacture situations where I am awkward and I fail over and over again, reaching for an outcome that is ever-distant in meaning anything? And what if there’s mainly no point to anything, because I don’t want to be obliged?

Why am I being asked for near-infinite amounts of borrowed grace still, over and over again? And does it ever end?

 

And if I have to be responsible for all these people,

Can you subtract me as a person?

Can you erase my image this time, fully and for real?

Can I become only the invisible threads that weave in and out of all the unseen spaces and relationships, everything that binds us all together in association? Can I become only the eye, the pen, and the camera, because being the muse makes me feel dirty now?

Can I stay in the peace of the dark?

Why am I still listening to other people telling me who and what I am and am not, in place of my own voice?

Why have I been offered so many cursed things, especially in the name of love and care?

Why must I accept your effigies of me, and why am I still displacing myself thinking about anyone's expectations? (The social curse of being brought up as a woman.)
 

I do not want a mirror; I do not want to be a mirror. Back and forth, back and forth, a play in projections.

I want a crystal-clear human being, is that too much to ask for?

I want the one who says that I am superlative to truly put me first, or leave me out of it. (But they don't listen.)

I guess then, I am asking you all to do the work for me this time?

God, what if it’s just because I just don’t want to anymore?

At what point has inspiration mattered rather than dragging my feet, and why should I feed myself narratives about service to humanity any more?

Was my life as it was before not enough? Was it not enough for you all?

Was it not simply enough that I existed (even if it never really translated into much more)?

What if I truly don't want to both exist and be open anymore? Do I have to keep goading myself?
 

God. It’s only when you all don’t matter, because I’ve given up, that I feel free around people.

Otherwise, I feel unseen, in some way or another.

Some version of this is all I’ve ever known, and the impression follows me around still.

What's more, I want the right and ability to remain unseen. I want it, like a greediness. Because I relish the endless warmth of the shroud of darkness.

 

God. I don’t want to give any of it up... all of the pristine and wild beauty and the best of living in my own self-made universes, with the Self of my making, and I certainly don’t want to share anymore.

No. Not anymore. I lost my own faith in humanity a second time; I gave up. As I felt given up upon. I tell myself: I don't have the time and energy to become that particular "best version of myself". Well, what if I don't want to learn, because it's too much for my taste, even if I am capable? What if too fucking much has been asked and expected of me, least of all from myself, far beyond what is reasonable and self-preserving? Why do you keep asking me for another version of sacrificing myself?

What if I don’t want to look away at what I've been looking at most deeply, and instead have to look at you all?

God. Why would I? Why would I want to look away from this?

(The Majesty of the Endless.)

On top of that, why do I have to make myself love looking away from what I've loved looking at most in this life?

(When even my own aloneness and loneliness have been infinitely more beautiful than what I have been offered.)

Edited Thursday at 10:02 AM by eos_nyxia
In response to the realization that I can refuse the personal and walk out entirely in that way. The world can sort itself out, whether I "leave" or not. I have no doubt about this.