Rebuilding Myself in 2023

[SuicidalBug]

At the beginning of this year I fell into a hole of chaos that I can barely crawl out from. A lot of self-improvement mixed with a lot of bad behaviors, provoking people until they beat me up because I didn’t fell comfortable having them around and I wanted them to be kicked out of where we’re living. General being an asshole, becoming judgemental and then stopping it and then becoming it again. Bursts of over-confidence mixed in with a lot of self-hatred, putting myself down, feeling like a nasty rotten rag.

Victimizing myself, treating people as if they were aggressors because they reminded me of past abusers. Being upset because of different reasons and using my stinging tongue to make people fell as myserable as me. 

Inferiority complexes. Supperiority complexes. Drug-induced psychosis. Drug abuse. Health system manipulations. Manipulations. Paranoia. Suspicions. Attention-seeking. 
 

Bettering myself and then burning it all down. Trading peace for bloody chaos. 
 

And it’s almost 2023. This year I’ve moved from home to a group home, got a girlfriend, got beaten up, overdosed on ketamine, got addicted to lorazepam, started having dissociative seizures, got raped, was in a horrible relationship before my current girlfriend, got threatened so seriously and terrifyingly that it caused me a couple of psychotic episodes,

my magick starting to feel a lot more productive, motivated for the first time to live a healthier life and eating more healthy, going on long walks, contemplating, starting to go off meds that didn’t do me good, started losing some of the denial about the horrible things I went through as a child and young teen, started seeing an amazing therapist specialized in dissociative disorders and organized abuse, made a lot of progress in therapy, actually initiating talks to my girlfriend about how to make our relationship work better, raising my distress tolerance, realizing I am a very strong person and that a thing like a rape can maybe turn me into a wreck, but the kind of wreck that you wouldn’t want as an enemy, I’ve been reading more again, discovering more music, discovering myself, getting glimpses of Oneness, getting important spiritual lessons, realizing that motivation has to be cultivated, not just expected to arrive, becoming more creative, improving my social skills, consensual sexual experiences.

 

I want to use this journal as a way to put my progress over the next year into words and to help me structure and think about my behaviors.

 

Some vaguer goals I have for 2023:

Learn more about love, become more loving and understanding. Spread the love.

Exploring myself, taking myself seriously, stopping denial, trauma healing.

Accept and hold all the parts of myself.

Take responsibility and take initiative. 

Choose the harder way to achieve something, not the easy way.

Choose the harder way to achieve something, not the easy way.
……

 

More practical:

Look into ways of furthering my education.

Become more independent.

Learn more healthy recipes.

Learn to deal with finances and impulsivity.

Read at least a book every month.

Learn more about the subjects I’m interested in.

Change my desires so that I start wanting the things that are best for myself, others and the environment.

—More to come!