"intimacy"

[Judy2]

10 hours ago, Insignious said:

Come don't hate on yourself 

Du Bist Gut Genug

idk if you are German, but we get a youth word of the year every year and there's this lady from the evening news who reads out all the words that we can vote on. just before i came here, i watched a video where she read Du Bist Gut Genug with a really freaky voice lol. personally, i'm not that into the song...but it's a funny coincidence that that's the last bit of the video i watched, and then there's your message:)

 

i don't always hate myself. it's just words i wrote when i was having a bad day. sometimes i also like myself, the world, and the thoughts in my head. 

[Judy2]

i had my last exam of the term today, then spent the evening with three friends from uni, which was quite nice:)

today marks the end of my first four months in this town and the first term of studying psychology. i feel as though so much has happened in such a short amount of time, and figured i'd give a little update, now that i'm done studying for the summer.

all in all, i can say that things have shifted significantly since i've moved here. the first few weeks (in April and May) were rough, especially since i expected myself to adapt immediately, and i also had some trouble envisioning myself with that new identity of being a psychology student/becoming a psychologist.

after the initial shock, i am now quite comfortable with my programme. generally speaking, i work quite well in a system where i'm simply given a couple of hoops that i know i need to jump through. maybe that's a bad trait i have, and maybe this is procrastinating on major life decisions... but maybe it's also good to recognise that, for my mental health, it's not bad at all to be provided with such tight structure. the pressure to get good marks is a bit annoying, though, and in some instances, i would probably feel more positive appreciation of the study contents if i didn't have to learn all this with the goal in mind to tick the right boxes during the exams. 

alongside the more structured lifestyle, the other significant thing that's changed since i came here is my social life. there are people who i meet almost every other day, we study together, support each other, chat, and so on. in all the time i'd spent at school and university prior to this, i've never had such a rich social life. this shift is generally a good thing and quite enriching, but i can also tell that, even if i don't act it, i still feel quite insecure and wonder what the others think of me....if i'm "too much". i feel like i'm most definitely too much, but daren't ask or express this, either.

my relationship with food has generally improved a little bit since i came here. it's been almost completely new for me to eat with or around other people, but i am getting used to it and starting to be able to enjoy it, too. it's also quite helpful to have so many other things to do and focus on throughout the day that i do not have to think about food that much. body image at the moment is quite okay, sometimes even good. on some days, it's still bad. on other days, i'm a little more optimistic.

some ongoing problems are that i still judge myself for being "old", at least comparatively speaking. i still have a hard time finding out what career to pursue, and i judge that, too, because isn't that a bit problematic after taking 11 semesters to get my first undergraduate degree, then investing into a completely new degree from scratch without knowing where i want to go? so these are some things i still need to figure out as i keep going. 

Edited August 1 by Judy2

[Judy2]

not really doing great...i'm just kind of overwhelmed now, which i'd predicted would happen the second exams are over. 

idk what to do with myself, i'm not really happy, i notice a lot of discomfort with things that aren't quite right....

i also don't feel motivated to read the books i've been wanting to read and instead just scroll on YouTube. 

watching a series or something would be fine if i was relaxed and happy doing it, but i'm neither. things aren't urgently horrible, but dissatisfyingly "meh". 

[Judy2]

this morning, a friend and i went for a run by the river and ended up running 11 km. it was really nice and good for my psyche...also not even that exhausting as i entered a gentle, mellow flow-state.

 good start into the day:) 

[Judy2]

just now, i had a conversation with my mum about insurances. she responded in a bit of a snappy tone that i will have to tell any new insurance company that i've had anorexia in the past, and then they won't want to make me an offer. 

what she didn't say, but what i think was nonetheless evident in her tone, was blame, anger, maybe superiority. as if she could somehow reclaim her righteousness by presenting it as though my mental disease was born out of a void, out of mere teenage stupidity. it's easier for her to present it that way, after all this time. easier than to consider that something was "wrong" with our family that made developing anorexia exactly the right course of action for her daughter. perhaps there was some element of choice, yes, but my mother still doesn't see how this choice was born out of dire emotional necessity. 

sometimes i'm still a little sad that she doesn't understand, after all this time. i can accept that she doesn't, and maybe she never will, but i do feel a bearable amount of sadness when i think of this.