"intimacy"

[Judy2]

10 hours ago, Insignious said:

Come don't hate on yourself 

Du Bist Gut Genug

idk if you are German, but we get a youth word of the year every year and there's this lady from the evening news who reads out all the words that we can vote on. just before i came here, i watched a video where she read Du Bist Gut Genug with a really freaky voice lol. personally, i'm not that into the song...but it's a funny coincidence that that's the last bit of the video i watched, and then there's your message:)

 

i don't always hate myself. it's just words i wrote when i was having a bad day. sometimes i also like myself, the world, and the thoughts in my head. 

[Judy2]

i had my last exam of the term today, then spent the evening with three friends from uni, which was quite nice:)

today marks the end of my first four months in this town and the first term of studying psychology. i feel as though so much has happened in such a short amount of time, and figured i'd give a little update, now that i'm done studying for the summer.

all in all, i can say that things have shifted significantly since i've moved here. the first few weeks (in April and May) were rough, especially since i expected myself to adapt immediately, and i also had some trouble envisioning myself with that new identity of being a psychology student/becoming a psychologist.

after the initial shock, i am now quite comfortable with my programme. generally speaking, i work quite well in a system where i'm simply given a couple of hoops that i know i need to jump through. maybe that's a bad trait i have, and maybe this is procrastinating on major life decisions... but maybe it's also good to recognise that, for my mental health, it's not bad at all to be provided with such tight structure. the pressure to get good marks is a bit annoying, though, and in some instances, i would probably feel more positive appreciation of the study contents if i didn't have to learn all this with the goal in mind to tick the right boxes during the exams. 

alongside the more structured lifestyle, the other significant thing that's changed since i came here is my social life. there are people who i meet almost every other day, we study together, support each other, chat, and so on. in all my time at school and university prior to this, i've never had such a rich social life. this shift is generally a good thing and quite enriching, but i can also tell that, even if i don't act it, i still feel quite insecure and wonder what the others think of me....if i'm "too much". i feel like i'm most definitely too much, but daren't ask or express this, either.

my relationship with food has generally improved a little bit since i came here. it's been almost completely new for me to eat with or around other people, but i am getting used to it and starting to be able to enjoy it, too. it's also quite helpful to have so many other things to do and focus on throughout the day that i do not have to think about food that much.

body image at the moment is quite okay, sometimes even good. on some days, it's still bad. on other days, i'm a little more optimistic that my body will find its comfortable weight range, especially if i am being more active, too. speaking of activity, i've worked my way up from running 5km to 10 km in the past few months, and am intending to train for my first ever half-marathon next year. 

some ongoing problems are that i still judge myself for being "old", at least comparatively speaking. i still have a hard time finding out what career to pursue, and i judge that, too, because isn't that a bit problematic after taking 11 semesters to get my first undergraduate degree, then investing into a completely new degree from scratch without knowing where i want to go? so these are some things i still need to figure out as i keep going. 

Edited 3 hours ago by Judy2