"intimacy"

[Judy2]

now i know how i'll trick my future kids into eating more vegetables. "you've had this before and you loved it!" 

[Judy2]

it's only been just over three months in this town, but it feels like a long time has gone by and i can definitely tell things have shifted a lot for me. it was hard in the beginning because i expected myself to adapt immediately, but now i can tell i'm already oddly familiar around here, i know a lot of people - probably more than i knew in the town i'd lived in the past five and a half years prior - and in general, i'm doing well. 

yes, i feel occasional frustration. i woke up feeling bad today. i experience moments of stress and discomfort and, as always, monumental mood swings. 

however, i can also tell that my baseline happiness has risen a lot?

so i thought i'd quickly break this down and list some of the 'explanations' here:

• studying psychology: when i started going to university to get my first degree (British Studies), i could not go in person because of Covid for three semesters. things are different around here, i have a lot of appointments every week that provide valuable structure, being required to study provides structure, and the programme also forges strong social bonds because i spend a lot of time with people who have to go through the same processes (lectures, seminars, exams etc.). it also helps that psychology is an explicit topic. though the amount of material i have to study can be daunting, it's also genuinely interesting and fascinating. i'm pretty sure at this point i could spontaneously recite over a hundred psychological studies right off the bat if someone asked me to. 
• work: i am tutoring students in English and French. not only has this felt very fulfilling as an activity, but the feedback i receive from both students and their parents is overwhelmingly positive and always makes me feel good:) they seem to think of me as a very kind woman and it's helpful to know that i can be perceived that way.
• exercise: in the past three months, i've worked my way up to being able to run 10 km in one go and i'll tackle my 13 km obstacle run this weekend. i enjoy the mental effects most of all: it feels nice knowing i am able to do this. it builds self-trust.
• in general, i am interacting more with the world, with people and my environment. i am keeping busy, but also trying to enjoy the process.
• i have been going for evening walks through the fields almost every evening, which is one of my highlights and always makes me feel at least a tiny bit better. 

this evening, a random jogger that was passing by abruptly turned to me and said "your energy's beautiful...but you're probably too young for me." i thanked him, walked on, smiled, and had to take a minute to shake off the adrenaline. it's always amusing to me how easily i am flattered by just a handful of words. 

in general, my mind's so fascinating to me. not really anything new, but sometimes i just admire the thoughts passing through my head....they're humorous, maybe a little cheeky. 

Edited Thursday at 05:57 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

sometimes i still catch myself waiting for something either really good or really bad to happen. 

 

this reminds me that i've been wanting to discuss the topic of vulnerable narcissism in here. i don't really have the time right now, but maybe in August i'll delve into it and share my thoughts. 

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

i don't really have the time right now

okay, nevermind....

 

a triggering situation today has been that a new friend of mine told me about her ed-history. i just nodded and didn't say or ask much, tbh. i'm hesitant to tell people about my own story. i also feel kind of threatened by not being the only 'special' one. not the only one with scars on my arms and legs (not her, but tons of other people i see every day), not the only one who was good at starving herself. now i'm still thinking about that situation and it gives me a bad feeling. that's what tends to happen whenever i meet someone who is or has been a little too similar to the way that i am or have been...super triggering. 

in general, i guess being ill vs healthy is still a major trigger topic for me these days. i'm almost happy when i remember things that are still 'sick' about me...want to hold onto them. i love the look of my scars, don't want to let go of the last pieces, hope for a meltdown, maybe a nice little psychotic break, whatever. i still crave a little bit of attention, being taken care of. being pitied, perhaps. i try so hard to take better care of myself nowadays, push myself when i can feel my mindset getting in the way... but i still wish for my weakness to have its place, too....to be seen and recognised and appreciated. 

 

anyway, on the topic of vulnerable narcissism: this has been suggested as a potential diagnosis by a therapist at the clinic i was at last summer, in part because of its comorbidity with bpd. at the time, her bringing this up resulted in a major crisis for me, but the more i think about the core problems i have these days, the more i recognise myself in this concept. the bar i set for myself is impossibly high (has been since i was three years old and started living in fantasy land) and this expectation usually clashes with how horrible i think i am in this dirty, ugly, gruesome reality. it's tough to find my way between these two extremes. 

i guess the ego is very salient for us, in a way. it's the centre and focus of our existence...so of course we're all gonna be a little narcissistic, especially when trying to make sense of a chaotic world, especially when battling trauma. but then it's also true that my personality is, comparatively speaking, a little twisted in just how extremely i polarise between this idealistic extreme of how good i could be vs how in reality i always fail to live up to that. i mean, it's sweet that i want to be good. i don't just want to own or do good things, i want to Be good as a Self - which is only natural, existentially speaking. it's kind of smart, to want the Self to be good, of all things. the self as the locus of existence itself.... 

but yes, seeing through the dichotomous thinking i've been engaging in so willingly over the years has been helpful. to notice it while i'm doing it and start making sense of my mental structures and the way i keep trying to construct an alternate reality to compare myself to. the label of vulnerable narcissism itself is grounding, in a way, cause it anchors me to what's real...if that makes sense. it's part of the real world and helps me understand that my fantasy world is probably a major trauma response - to what trauma, i don't know, but i've been dreaming since i was three. 

Edited Thursday at 08:51 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

i feel happy, but also a little sad. melancholic, maybe.

things seem so intense these days. though maybe in a good way, for once.

Edited 11 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

13 km Obstacle Run

haven't decided yet how i feel about it. if it was really good, disappointing, or kind of a mix of both?

the location was a bit of a pain to get to, but that itself was an experience. after my final bus stop, i had to walk a kilometre and when i couldn't reach a taxi, i had to hitchhike for the first time ever. it felt pretty shameful standing there by the side of the road and i'd rather have avoided that... ugh...but the third car pulled right to the side and they invited me in, as they were also going to the same event as me. 

for the way back, i also had to ask people to drive me to the station, and that went a little more smoothly:) now i'm on the bus, trying to make my way back home.

the race itself was similarlly ambiguous for me. i didn't like that i could barely run. in fact, i feel like i haven't run at all today. most of the time, some people were blocking the way, walking slowly. and then we had to stop a lot for the obstacles....too many obstacles, imo. but some of them were pretty cool. too much crawling on the ground, so my knees are sore now....but the part that came 4 kilometres in was super unexpected and quite cool. we had to dive into the water and then crawl across mud hills. many, many muddy hills. there wasn't just a little bit of mud....it covered every pore of my body and soaked into my shoes and i had to make sure i didn't get dirt in my eyes. pretty brutal, but i just pretended i was in some kind of adventure movie. (pretty glad though, to be cleaned up now.) people were generally quite nice and lifted or pulled me up a lot....so it was nice to see how motivated everybody was and how the environment was such that it promoted mutual support and collaboration. two groups asked me to join them when they found out i'd come on my own...maybe that part was nice:) i always stayed with them for a bit, then continued on my own. 

all in all, i guess it was a lot to process mentally. (being out in the world, active, alive....not something i'm used to. it feels odd, observing myself acting like that....but then it also felt weird observing myself being depressed, dissociating and having panic attacks, being in psychosomatic hospitals, having a feeding tube, throwing up food, slicing into my skin, and so many other things...so i guess it doesn't matter? but it feels confusing, and it probably does matter a lot....idk it's so much! it feels so weird, letting myself live?)

in general, they had me saying oh my god a good amount of times, whenever i saw a new obstacle, or just in general. i don't know if that's good or bad. i also smiled a lot, though. but i'm also stressed out, deep inside. 

i feel pressure to have to decide right now if i ever plan to do this again - luckily, i don't. i can just let this sink in with all its ambivalence, and maybe decide later on if i ever plan on doing this again. maybe i'd prefer to simply do a halfmarathon next year, though. 

but this was certainly interesting. it's kind of something that i felt i had to push (force) myself to do because i need to have done this kind of thing in my twenties. to feel a little bit alive....but idk if this is the right kind of "alive" for me, i guess? not sure. it's hard to find the right words to even describe what i mean.

i still feel strange....melancholic and everything. it's intense and deep. i'll try to flow right with it. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

it feels weird, letting myself live.

- i guess that describes the weirdness i've been feeling these past few weeks. there's still pressure, fear, disgust, frustration....but also more flow, movement, energy. which is something i know i had been waiting for for years.

Edited 1 hour ago by Judy2