"intimacy"

[Judy2]

now i know how i'll trick my future kids into eating more vegetables. "you've had this before and you loved it!" 

[Judy2]

it's only been just over three months in this town, but it feels like a long time has gone by and i can definitely tell things have shifted a lot for me. it was hard in the beginning because i expected myself to adapt immediately, but now i can tell i'm already oddly familiar around here, i know a lot of people - probably more than i knew in the town i'd lived in the past five and a half years prior - and in general, i'm doing well. 

yes, i feel occasional frustration. i woke up feeling bad today. i experience moments of stress and discomfort and, as always, monumental mood swings. 

however, i can also tell that my baseline happiness has risen a lot?

so i thought i'd quickly break this down and list some of the 'explanations' here:

• studying psychology: when i started going to university to get my first degree (British Studies), i could not go in person because of Covid for three semesters. things are different around here, i have a lot of appointments every week that provide valuable structure, being required to study provides structure, and the programme also forges strong social bonds because i spend a lot of time with people who have to go through the same processes (lectures, seminars, exams etc.). it also helps that psychology is an explicit topic. though the amount of material i have to study can be daunting, it's also genuinely interesting and fascinating. i'm pretty sure at this point i could spontaneously recite over a hundred psychological studies right off the bat if someone asked me to. 
• work: i am tutoring students in English and French. not only has this felt very fulfilling as an activity, but the feedback i receive from both students and their parents is overwhelmingly positive and always makes me feel good:) they seem to think of me as a very kind woman and it's helpful to know that i can be perceived that way.
• exercise: in the past three months, i've worked my way up to being able to run 10 km in one go and i'll tackle my 13 km obstacle run this weekend. i enjoy the mental effects most of all: it feels nice knowing i am able to do this. it builds self-trust.
• in general, i am interacting more with the world, with people and my environment. i am keeping busy, but also trying to enjoy the process.
• i have been going for evening walks through the fields almost every evening, which is one of my highlights and always makes me feel at least a tiny bit better. 

this evening, a random jogger that was passing by abruptly turned to me and said "your energy's beautiful...but you're probably too young for me." i thanked him, walked on, smiled, and had to take a minute to shake off the adrenaline. it's always amusing to me how easily i am flattered by just a handful of words. 

in general, my mind's so fascinating to me. not really anything new, but sometimes i just admire the thoughts passing through my head....they're humorous, maybe a little cheeky. 

Edited 3 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

sometimes i still catch myself waiting for something either really good or really bad to happen. 

 

this reminds me that i've been wanting to discuss the topic of vulnerable narcissism in here. i don't really have the time right now, but maybe in August i'll delve into it and share my thoughts. 

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

i don't really have the time right now

okay, nevermind....

 

a triggering situation today has been that a new friend of mine told me about her ed-history. i just nodded and didn't say or ask much, tbh. i'm hesitant to tell people about my own story. i also feel kind of threatened by not being the only 'special' one. not the only one with scars on my arms and legs (not her, but tons of other people i see every day), not the only one who was good at starving herself. now i'm still thinking about that situation and it gives me a bad feeling. that's what tends to happen whenever i meet someone who is or has been a little too similar to the way that i am or have been...super triggering. 

in general, i guess being ill vs healthy is still a major trigger topic for me these days. i'm almost happy when i remember things that are still 'sick' about me...want to hold onto them. i love the look of my scars, don't want to let go of the last pieces, hope for a meltdown, maybe a nice little psychotic break, whatever. i still crave a little bit of attention, being taken care of. being pitied, perhaps. i try so hard to take better care of myself nowadays, push myself when i can feel my mindset getting in the way... but i still wish for my weakness to have its place, too....to be seen and recognised and appreciated. 

 

anyway, on the topic of vulnerable narcissism: this has been suggested as a potential diagnosis by a therapist at the clinic i was at last summer, in part because of its comorbidity with bpd. at the time, her bringing this up resulted in a major crisis for me, but the more i think about the core problems i have these days, the more i recognise myself in this concept. the bar i set for myself is impossibly high (has been since i was three years old and started living in fantasy land) and this expectation usually clashes with how horrible i think i am in this dirty, ugly, gruesome reality. it's tough to find my way between these two extremes. 

i guess the ego is very salient for us, in a way. it's the centre and focus of our existence...so of course we're all gonna be a little narcissistic, especially when trying to make sense of a chaotic world, especially when battling trauma. but then it's also true that my personality is, comparatively speaking, a little twisted in just how extremely i polarise between this idealistic extreme of how good i could be vs how in reality i always fail to live up to that. i mean, it's sweet that i want to be good. i don't just want to own or do good things, i want to Be good as a Self - which is only natural, existentially speaking. it's kind of smart, to want the Self to be good, of all things. the self as the locus of existence itself.... 

but yes, seeing through the dichotomous thinking i've been engaging in so willingly over the years has been helpful. to notice it while i'm doing it and start making sense of my mental structures and the way i keep trying to construct an alternate reality to compare myself to. the label of vulnerable narcissism itself is grounding, in a way, cause it anchors me to what's real...if that makes sense. it's part of the real world and helps me understand that my fantasy world is probably a major trauma response - to what trauma, i don't know, but i've been dreaming since i was three. 

Edited 29 minutes ago by Judy2