"intimacy"

[Judy2]

we spent the day celebrating my grandma's 80th birthday and i got to spend time with my brother. i'm very proud of him and that i get to be his little sister ♡ we meet rarely enough for me to be able to idealise him completely, and he's like the only person i am more than proud to call my relative. he turned out gorgeous - much better than me.

 

i still notice that i feel SO MUCH INSECURITY though; such confusion about who i am and what i should do and where i am going. which is like, to a somewhat abnormal extent with me, i would say. part of the bpd.... and it feels validating to be able to say that this experience, this lost feeling i am having all the time is a bit more extreme than it is for others my age (perhaps?).

sometimes i just don't know anymore. i remember my dissociations last year, and how i had to buy the Coca Colas with "princess" written on them to remind me who i am, cause i kept forgetting:)

jokes aside...

...i do feel so unstable, so scared....

all i can do for now is ground myself in the few things i do know. exercise is good, i want that in my life no matter what. expressive writing comes to me naturally, i've done that for years and it's helping me, so it can't be that wrong - it's got the language element and the psychology element. guess i'm still confused, though, if i can be anything to do with psychology (cute psychologist/psychotherapist) or simply cute English and French teacher, café owner, cookbook writer, whatever - if, without psychological disorder - i'd still feel like there's something missing with language teaching or if i need to be psychologically healthy and work in a psychological field, too. 

either way, guess i want to be cute. which is like the whole struggle - cause i'm never ever good enough, and then i project that outward all the time onto superficial stuff (appearance, career choices, relationships) and get lost in analysis paralysis when these things aren't even the "real" problem. or i get confused about what to do, because there's always so much overlay that consists in questioning whether a thing i do looks good (as opposed to feels good).

Edited April 19 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i don't think psychology is the wrong subject for me at all - it obviously interests me, and i've been thinking for years that i wanna study it.

this is just such a huge, scary shift in identity.

and i'm just not sure if this is all a little too meta for me?... if i can handle sitting next to skin-picking girls and anorexic boys every day, if i can handle letting go of my own desire to be the SICKEST, do a 180 and suddenly be the one showing others how not to be sick. that is confusing af.

 

[Judy2]

maybe these are also confusing times because, once again, i'm trying to look at all the loose threads of the past and piece them all together into one coherent image - which is a lot of pressure to put on my present and future self.

so a nicer approach would be to look at the things that interest me

• cooking

• nutrition

• writing

• English

• French

• exercise

• criminal/forensic psychology

• psychotherapy/mental illness and mental health

 

and then take small, incrimental steps every day to see what's possible in each of these respective areas - without pressuring myself to have to know the outcome, trusting that i will find the right way.

there we have that word again: trust. duh!

Edited April 19 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i feel tired, exhausted. too much thinking and studying.

just because i'm fascinated with emotions, dreams, the Psyche, doesn't mean i wanna hear sciency, cold, mechanistic blob about neurons all day. it seems kind of delusional how universities dissect the psyche into pieces, blatantly ignoring the Presence of Consciousness as a whole - the way it is right here, around us, within us, this very moment. all these lectures kind of lack intuition, emotion, feeling - which are the things i am after.

i just wanna be a housewife, spend all day in the kitchen and start having babies. i'm pretty sure i'd be happy doing that. 

i wanna be, and feel.

 

still such a struggle for me to know how to be happy.

maybe i just wanna write cookbooks, after all. but i need a bigger kitchen for that, and someone who can help with the photos. and a better relationship with food and my body and my sense of self. 

 

... or maybe, just maybe, it's time to take my own therapy more seriously and actually talk about how i feel scared and lost and insecure and not sure about what to do with myself. which would then also grant me some nice access to the consciousness and feelings i mentioned feeling fascinated with. it's just tough because of my current avoidant tendencies, and how it feels safer to shield people out completely or basically interact with them in ways that make me think afterward "yeah i'm glad that didn't count i won't really let anyone in and they can't get near me now let me go home and be safe and in peace".

 

 

writing does feel nice.

English feels nice, too. that confuses me so much. English and French. i remember languages being there every time i exited more depressive, conflicted phases of suffering, and they make me feel good and cool and change my personality. which is another thing - is it good, is it bad, that i probably picked this because this, too, is just another expression of how nonexistent my sense of self really is? how much i need an ego boost by saying hey look i can speak so many languages and have such nice accents... i don't want my first degree to be all in vain, and it won't be...but i'm just really not sure how to be happy, and i've felt pretty convinced that teaching won't make me happy and i need something more intense, more loaded - work with sick people and traumatised people, victims and perpetrators...., in intense situations, with intense emotions - and i get the vibe, ...but ...oh God i'm so confused. or i could just chill, open a café, write books, teach some English and French here and there.... no matter which way i imagine this, my brain always projects so much lack, so much inadequacy - so how can i even make authentic choices when there's such dense overlay attributing my (lack of) self-worth to all of this, and no matter what i pick i think it's not enough???

and i also wanna have kids soon, and how do i make that happen when in my mind other people aren't even real or serious enough for me to bother interacting with in meaningful ways. like my brain's still in fantasy land and i just like being on my own - but then i have to find a job in a world that's real, with real people, and i have to be a real person, most of all - which i hate - and i wanna have a real baby and a real family and real friends...all the while, i don't want to be real, don't want this to be real, don't want Life to be now....cause it's always so imperfect and messy and mixes all the beauty with fhe ugliness and the chaos, and it's never enough - i'm never enough, always WAY too ugly!

then that's another thing with bpd - that opening up in therapy is mega-twisted, because how do you talk about your attachment wounds without your attachment wounds getting in the way when you know exactly you got only x sessions left and then they'll abandon me anyway, so why should i even bother???

Edited April 20 by Judy2

[Judy2]

okay now i'll calm down again and focus on the things that are good:)

i like running, i like the gym, i got new sportswear that i can wear tomorrow, i am here, i am safe, i got me, i can feel myself, it's all good, i'll be okay.

[Judy2]

now there's the emotion. 

our cognitive neuroscience professor made us watch this. i was expecting more technical, abstract information on resilience - instead, Lucy Hone casually drops how she lost her 12-year-old daughter (without a single tear) and then goes on to tell how she survived that experience. great video. emotional all throughout:) very sad, but very .... comforting?, too. 

Edited April 21 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i am experiencing a lot of confusion and fear. what the hell am i even doing? how do i know that what i am doing is "right"? feels impossible to know. i'm so scared. 

it's been helpful to focus on my exercise routine, go cycling in the evenings, and practice running. the rest is just super overwhelming. it feels hard and scary to deal with all of this confusion and uncertainty on my own. 

[Judy2]

stupid allostatic load:) 

it's starting to make sense, though, why it could be useful to learn about this stuff. 

 

i had a bad day today, and yesterday evening didn't go my way, either. 

but i think i sort of understand where i'm at now, and that it's a problem (maybe the problem) that i put so much pressure on myself to have everything figured out RIGHT NOW. i tend to feel that the problem is my not having things figured out, but maybe the problem is the forcefulness with which i try to resolve everything in an instant, as though that would guarantee my happiness - which i know it wouldn't, and i'd probably feel more depressed than ever if i suddenly had things mapped out and then inevitably had to ask myself "really, that's it?".

it's not great to procrastinate on making big decisions and plans, but wanting to do the exact opposite and needing to resolve everything right in this moment, putting this burden on my present self to have all the answers and more for future-me doesn't seem to work for me, either - it's more harm than good, really. 

so actually, i may be a bit bold now and do a little bit less, chill, relax, tell myself that it's ENOUGH to focus on healthy routines and hobbies for now. i don't have to have my entire life mapped out. i can still do that half a year from now, if it's obviously too much of a burden to place on myself presently. and it counts as success, too, if i'm a bit behind in terms of jobs if it means i can take good care of my mental health and have fun focussing on my exercise and other hobbies in the meantime. which is what i'd promised myself to do a year ago, anyway - but somewhere along the way i seem to have forgotten about it. 

in general, i keep forgetting about this perspective all too often.

Edited April 25 by Judy2

[Judy2]

much better day today:) i had a great time at the gym, i am feeling hopeful because exercise is helping me a lot (so it's a valuable resource i have in my life) and i am wearing one of my favourite outfits now (dark blue skirt and a white top with little light blue flowers).

[Judy2]

...still struggling. i wish i wasn't, but there's still so much worry and fear in my system....and then i'm quite sad about that, too.

just so much going on rn. so many thoughts i can't quite sort through them  even though most of them are running on repeat.

i can't get over the fact that i am so behind in life. wish i wasn't. i feel so stupid. i know i basically lost two whole years due to traumatic events a couple of years ago and how i coped by just doing nothing at all, sitting around all day waiting for something to happen....now i am so freaking hyperactivated and i try to do it all and i don't have enough time and i STILL don't know what should become of me. of course it's ironic that mental illness is why i am so behind, and now my "mental illness" gets very upset about this and hung up on it.

i just worry so much because i want to be happy and i literally don't know how.

 

sorry for being so self-centred...

[Judy2]

4 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

it's so annoying to constantly try and figure out what to do next to make this moment okay... do i need better skin care? a thai massage? laser hair removal? a ninja creami? do i need to exercise more and that's really it? read more fiction? get audible to listen to audiobooks that help me relax? do i need to look different, have different clothes, get better at doing my make-up? do i need to travel more? do i need to draw up a schedule to check off every time i meditate? do i need to learn five languages to be able to feel worthy? do i need to be more disciplined writing down my dreams every morning, feeling and appreciating the depth of them? do i need to get pedicures more often to feel like i am taking care of myself? do i need trauma therapy and that'll resolve everything? do i need to feel my emotions more and just 'be more conscious'? do i need a nicer apartment with prettier furniture? do i need the piano that's currlently not at my place but at my grandma's, so that i can finally relax?

....it's so pointless, but i can't stop and don't know what the alternative is.

 

[Judy2]

i feel sad and lonely.

i don't understand all the stress i feel, or how to make it stop. i want someone to hold me and love me and listen to me.

with all the stress, i haven't even been paying attention to how i've been avoiding authentic human interaction. it wasn't even a priority. the only priority was dealing with the stress and figuring out what to do so i can be okay.

i don't know what to do.

i don't know why i feel sad, of all things.

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

 

[Judy2]

apart from the fact that i haven't had a lot of time lately, i have noticed some hesitancy when it comes to posting...i feel a bit out of place, like it's bad to express myself. 

regardless, i figured i'd give it a go now and share a thing that's been on my mind lately. 

as i mentioned before, i am currently doing a very short term therapy with a systemic therapist. the therapist seemed cool in the beginning, but from the sessions i've had with him, something just feels off and the entire project seems a bit pointless. talking about problems doesn't really help. i don't even get what his approach with me is, because it seems like he has no approach at all, or certainly not a very effective one. 

anyway, i've noticed this rather interesting pattern that every time he says something like "i worry about you" or "it's sad that you feel that way about yourself", i can't take it seriously at all. in fact, i tend to almost feel amused at the situation, because his attempts at validating my experience and parroting back at me the things that i reported experiencing ("i can see that you are experiencing a lot of stress right now, and this is a new situation, ...") just seem so fake. he's getting paid to say that, or he says that because he wants to manipulate me into somehow changing my emotional state, and i'm not buying it. 

not sure if this is about me or the therapist. 

he asks regularly "and how does that make you feel?" and the only answer that ever comes to mind for me is "it's okay". i feel like i have to say "it's okay" to everything, because i've been blamed before for all the times i said things weren't okay when i was in therapy...or when i was simply talking to friends and they found my negativity off-putting. ...and also because every time i am honest and tell him what isn't okay, i'm being blamed for it, at least implicitly. so by now, i've considered keeping certain things to myself because this practitioner seems to lack the neutrality to handle these things without ever so slightly adding to the problem? not sure if this is the point, and he'd think that what is being triggered in the therapeutic relationship should occur exactly like that, too.... i don't know. 

Edited Sunday at 11:44 AM by Judy2

[Judy2]

i still feel a lot of anxiety. this afternoon, for example, when i sat down to study, i got so anxious and agitated and felt uncomfortable, scanning my surroundings... i couldn't figure out whether headphones would make it better or worse, music definitely did make it worse. sometimes when the headphones are on, i'm scared to take them off.

and then this evening i went for a walk and read my book...both were very nice, and i'm *almost* in a good mood....but i can tell there's such deep unrest and fear in my body, too.

[Judy2]

i went for a morning run outside and managed 8km in 48 minutes (if the GPS on my phone is accurate at all, that is), which is my new personal record. i know people do run marathons and ultramarathons, but it's probably good for me to be able to be proud of my own progress:)

the yellow rapeseed fields have been replaced by red poppy flowers by now, and in general, being out in nature is a healing influence i appreciate very much. looking at the grasses and wildflowers, and a little baby rabbit that ducked down and tugged in its ears when it saw me pass by. the airplanes in the sky above.

Edited Monday at 01:50 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

since this morning, my mind has wandered from thinking about how i should start planning my summer holiday, to thinking i need to find a new apartment, to eventually thinking that no, it's financial independence that i need, and i should really figure out my career asap. 

i can feel the hyper-activation in my system. ugh. and i thought i'd had a "better" day today....also because i'm hoping that's what i can tell my therapist on thursday, because that's what he wants to hear from me. he doesn't want to hear about my stress or anxiety...and then i feel anxious for feeling anxious, and if i'm anxious maybe i should be anxious, because look! - i'm anxious. 

anyway, a couple of good things have also occurred today, though: i kept reading my stalker romance, i wore a nice outfit that i really liked and i almost thought i looked kind of pretty, the neuroscience lecture was freaky (in a good way) when it made me aware of the Miracle that is my inner monologue (two weeks ago, it was freaky when i managed to willingly turn The Dress from white&gold to blue&black and back), and i did good for one 168th of the week by tutoring my favourite student so far, and that's the one hour of 'good' that i know i've done today. problem is, i always leave with such a weird feeling because the tutoring comes natural to me and has me in a very rare state of flow and self-sufficiency, and i know i am helping a teenage girl who seemingly appreciates my help and personality-wise we just get along and feel comfortable around each other:) but i feel stressed trying to figure out what that says about my career choices and how i can make more of this happen in a good, realistic way. ...i'm looking into becoming a substitute teacher alongside my studies next term, just to see what that's like....but i'm not sure about the exact framework in which i will feel best....maybe teaching 1:1 suits me better, after all? anyway, stresses me out to think about this. 

then this evening i put on a YouTube podcast that's too long and i feel obligated to listen to the end, so i'm trying to multitask now and channel my energy into a billion different directions, which is completely pointless but my body doesn't know how to stop doing it. and again, somehow i'm scared to press stop and sit in silence instead? sit with myself, be with myself? 

i also figured yesterday, when i tried to focus on my book and felt frustrated because i was too anxious to focus, that i've been training myself for a good decade or so that anxious overthinking is the right call, the right thing to do, that it's more important than focussing on books or other things...so of course it's uncomfortable to try and read that book anyway, if my mind is screaming at me to put it down and solve the real issues - only that i can't do that, either. 

...and i suppose a great deal of the stress that i have been feeling still relates to the question of my self-image, and what it will become as i grow older. this is tough because during my teenage years (some very formative years that - under less adverse conditions - would have been the time to figure out who i am and what would become of me) the only thing that kept me alive was to focus on starving myself and being the thinnest girl in the room. the only goal i had defined in my head for myself was that being as ill as possible is good. i wouldn't want to change what i've been through, no, i like it that way. but it's tough now, to try and be healthy. it feels bad. especially when i see so many other people around me stuck with the same mindset i used to have. every tuesday i uncover a new fellow borderliner in class - not tough to spot when you know the drill.  

Edited Tuesday at 08:30 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

i went for another 50min/8km run, and i feel great:)

it's really helped shut my stupid mind off for a bit, and now i feel much more comfortable than i did earlier this morning. 

i also love the route close to the fields and nature...the plants and wildlife that i can see around me while running. i saw my little bunny friend again in the same spot as last time, and also a pheasant? and of course lots of very nice-looking trees and purple flowers, along with the red poppy flowers and the blue sky. sublime, and it sounds so odd but the sight of them really calms me down and makes me feel so much better.

i'm grateful that i have legs that can carry me this far, that i have the faith in myself to do this kind of thing regularly these days. i know little judy would be super proud if she could see me going on runs not because i'm trying to impress anyone, but exclusively because i know it's good for me and i feel good doing it. 

and i wore my new running shorts, which are a pale shade of purple, plus a tight white t-shirt, and i really liked that combo:) almost ordered two more of these shorts, but i'm trying to pace myself. 

 

so now i'm just a bit more hopeful and positive overall:)