"intimacy"

[Judy2]

we spent the day celebrating my grandma's 80th birthday and i got to spend time with my brother. i'm very proud of him and that i get to be his little sister ♡ we meet rarely enough for me to be able to idealise him completely, and he's like the only person i am more than proud to call my relative. he turned out gorgeous - much better than me.

 

i still notice that i feel SO MUCH INSECURITY though; such confusion about who i am and what i should do and where i am going. which is like, to a somewhat abnormal extent with me, i would say. part of the bpd.... and it feels validating to be able to say that this experience, this lost feeling i am having all the time is a bit more extreme than it is for others my age (perhaps?).

sometimes i just don't know anymore. i remember my dissociations last year, and how i had to buy the Coca Colas with "princess" written on them to remind me who i am, cause i kept forgetting:)

jokes aside...

...i do feel so unstable, so scared....

all i can do for now is ground myself in the few things i do know. exercise is good, i want that in my life no matter what. expressive writing comes to me naturally, i've done that for years and it's helping me, so it can't be that wrong - it's got the language element and the psychology element. guess i'm still confused, though, if i can be anything to do with psychology (cute psychologist/psychotherapist) or simply cute English and French teacher, café owner, cookbook writer, whatever - if, without psychological disorder - i'd still feel like there's something missing with language teaching or if i need to be psychologically healthy and work in a psychological field, too. 

either way, guess i want to be cute. which is like the whole struggle - cause i'm never ever good enough, and then i project that outward all the time onto superficial stuff (appearance, career choices, relationships) and get lost in analysis paralysis when these things aren't even the "real" problem. or i get confused about what to do, because there's always so much overlay that consists in questioning whether a thing i do looks good (as opposed to feels good).

Edited 22 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

i don't think psychology is the wrong subject for me at all - it obviously interests me, and i've been thinking for years that i wanna study it.

this is just such a huge, scary shift in identity.

and i'm just not sure if this is all a little too meta for me?... if i can handle sitting next to skin-picking girls and anorexic boys every day, if i can handle letting go of my own desire to be the SICKEST, do a 180 and suddenly be the one showing others how not to be sick. that is confusing af.

 

[Judy2]

maybe these are also confusing times because, once again, i'm trying to look at all the loose threads of the past and piece them all together into one coherent image - which is a lot of pressure to put on my present and future self.

so a nicer approach would be to look at the things that interest me

• cooking

• nutrition

• writing

• English

• French

• exercise

• criminal/forensic psychology

• psychotherapy/mental illness and mental health

 

and then take small, incrimental steps every day to see what's possible in each of these respective areas - without pressuring myself to have to know the outcome, trusting that i will find the right way.

there we have that word again: trust. duh!

Edited 22 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

i feel tired, exhausted. too much thinking and studying.

just because i'm fascinated with emotions, dreams, the Psyche, doesn't mean i wanna hear sciency, cold, mechanistic blob about neurons all day. it seems kind of delusional how universities dissect the psyche into pieces, blatantly ignoring the Presence of Consciousness as a whole - the way it is right here, around us, within us, this very moment. all these lectures kind of lack intuition, emotion, feeling - which are the things i am after.

i just wanna be a housewife, spend all day in the kitchen and start having babies. i'm pretty sure i'd be happy doing that. 

i wanna be, and feel.

 

still such a struggle for me to know how to be happy.

maybe i just wanna write cookbooks, after all. but i need a bigger kitchen for that, and someone who can help with the photos. and a better relationship with food and my body and my sense of self. 

 

... or maybe, just maybe, it's time to take my own therapy more seriously and actually talk about how i feel scared and lost and insecure and not sure about what to do with myself. which would then also grant me some nice access to the consciousness and feelings i mentioned feeling fascinated with. it's just tough because of my current avoidant tendencies, and how it feels safer to shield people out completely or basically interact with them in ways that make me think afterward "yeah i'm glad that didn't count i won't really let anyone in and they can't get near me now let me go home and be safe and in peace".

 

 

writing does feel nice.

English feels nice, too. that confuses me so much. English and French. i remember languages being there every time i exited more depressive, conflicted phases of suffering, and they make me feel good and cool and change my personality. which is another thing - is it good, is it bad, that i probably picked this because this, too, is just another expression of how nonexistent my sense of self really is? how much i need an ego boost by saying hey look i can speak so many languages and have such nice accents... i don't want my first degree to be all in vain, and it won't be...but i'm just really not sure how to be happy, and i've felt pretty convinced that teaching won't make me happy and i need something more intense, more loaded - work with sick people and traumatised people, victims and perpetrators...., in intense situations, with intense emotions - and i get the vibe, ...but ...oh God i'm so confused. or i could just chill, open a café, write books, teach some English and French here and there.... no matter which way i imagine this, my brain always projects so much lack, so much inadequacy - so how can i even make authentic choices when there's such dense overlay attributing my (lack of) self-worth to all of this, and no matter what i pick i think it's not enough???

and i also wanna have kids soon, and how do i make that happen when in my mind other people aren't even real or serious enough for me to bother interacting with in meaningful ways. like my brain's still in fantasy land and i just like being on my own - but then i have to find a job in a world that's real, with real people, and i have to be a real person, most of all - which i hate - and i wanna have a real baby and a real family and real friends...all the while, i don't want to be real, don't want this to be real, don't want Life to be now....cause it's always so imperfect and messy and mixes all the beauty with fhe ugliness and the chaos, and it's never enough - i'm never enough, always WAY too ugly!

then that's another thing with bpd - that opening up in therapy is mega-twisted, because how do you talk about your attachment wounds without your attachment wounds getting in the way when you know exactly you got only x sessions left and then they'll abandon me anyway, so why should i even bother???

Edited 55 minutes ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

okay now i'll calm down again and focus on the things that are good:)

i like running, i like the gym, i got new sportswear that i can wear tomorrow, i am here, i am safe, i got me, i can feel myself, it's all good, i'll be okay.