"intimacy"

[Judy2]

we spent the day celebrating my grandma's 80th birthday and i got to spend time with my brother. i'm very proud of him and that i get to be his little sister ♡ we meet rarely enough for me to be able to idealise him completely, and he's like the only person i am more than proud to call my relative. he turned out gorgeous - much better than me.

 

i still notice that i feel SO MUCH INSECURITY though; such confusion about who i am and what i should do and where i am going. which is like, to a somewhat abnormal extent with me, i would say. part of the bpd.... and it feels validating to be able to say that this experience, this lost feeling i am having all the time is a bit more extreme than it is for others my age (perhaps?).

sometimes i just don't know anymore. i remember my dissociations last year, and how i had to buy the Coca Colas with "princess" written on them to remind me who i am, cause i kept forgetting:)

jokes aside...

...i do feel so unstable, so scared....

all i can do for now is ground myself in the few things i do know. exercise is good, i want that in my life no matter what. expressive writing comes to me naturally, i've done that for years and it's helping me, so it can't be that wrong - it's got the language element and the psychology element. guess i'm still confused, though, if i can be anything to do with psychology (cute psychologist/psychotherapist) or simply cute English and French teacher, café owner, cookbook writer, whatever - if, without psychological disorder - i'd still feel like there's something missing with language teaching or if i need to be psychologically healthy and work in a psychological field, too. 

either way, guess i want to be cute. which is like the whole struggle - cause i'm never ever good enough, and then i project that outward all the time onto superficial stuff (appearance, career choices, relationships) and get lost in analysis paralysis when these things aren't even the "real" problem. or i get confused about what to do, because there's always so much overlay that consists in questioning whether a thing i do looks good (as opposed to feels good).

Edited 12 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

i don't think psychology is the wrong subject for me at all - it obviously interests me, and i've been thinking for years that i wanna study it.

this is just such a huge, scary shift in identity.

and i'm just not sure if this is all a little too meta for me?... if i can handle sitting next to skin-picking girls and anorexic boys every day, if i can handle letting go of my own desire to be the SICKEST, do a 180 and suddenly be the one showing others how not to be sick. that is confusing af.

 

[Judy2]

maybe these are also confusing times because, once again, i'm trying to look at all the loose threads of the past and piece them all together into one coherent image - which is a lot of pressure to put on my present and future self.

so a nicer approach would be to look at the things that interest me

• cooking

• nutrition

• writing

• English

• French

• exercise

• criminal/forensic psychology

• psychotherapy/mental illness and mental health

 

and then take small, incrimental steps every day to see what's possible in each of these respective areas - without pressuring myself to have to know the outcome, trusting that i will find the right way.

there we have that word again: trust. duh!

Edited 12 hours ago by Judy2