"intimacy"

[Judy2]

the days keep getting rougher and the despair has been building up a bit. although yesterday, post-symptom, i told myself with surprising calm that one day i'll have this figured out, and i'll be just fine. 

then tonight - as my anxiety had quite reliably predicted - things escalated a little bit. eventually i just walked out the door, took my bike and cycled around the villages until it got dark. there was no anger - just a lot of sadness and despair. when the emotions got too strong - and heaven knows how i did this, because i usually don't manage - i started with that stupid alphabet skill, saying out loud fruits and then boy-names in alphabetical order. i stopped, thought again about my dire situation, felt more despair, cycled up a hill and eventually back home. then my mother said she wanted to talk to me and, again, i don't know how, but i actually pushed through, got that massage ball to run across my wrists and knead in my hands while talking to my parents. i had been thinking how much we hate each other all throughout my bike ride, how i should just never talk to them again, or maybe only on Christmas and birthdays....i had thought about how ugly i felt, too, and how sometimes i don't. ....but then they were actually trying hard to sound nice and understanding, so when i was having a tough time getting the words out and considered just leaving, i forced myself to stay and talk just a little bit....and now i just wanna rest and think about solutions tomorrow.

[Judy2]

hurting myself is how i win arguments.

 

that's another one i can add to the list. along with the revenge-motives, this idea of balancing the scales when my needs are ridiculed or not taken seriously in a relationship.

it's very childish, i know. like "oh look, i'm suddenly physically hurt, that must mean i'm right and you're wrong, and you should be kinder to me". 

very childish, kinda smart, but also very, very childish, simplistic, immature.

[Judy2]

.... it's been a rather exhausting week, but i am also feeling more positive and hopeful than usual - which i thought should be acknowledged here. i'll try my very best to keep it up. 

[Judy2]

i've been feeling different. a tiny bit more alive, awake, alert. 

worries keep popping up, but for now i seem to have figured out that they're all pointless, and the best way to go is to get used to finding happiness, peace, and joy in the present - cause where else would i find it? i have also decided that optimism is my best bet, even though i can still be anxious about the future.

despite this, it's been a busy and exhausting week. the bilingual kids seem to host twice as many germs as regular kids, and i've been warned, but actually ended up battling some kind of infection this weekend. i haven't felt this ill in a couple of years, although i'm hoping i'll still be able to go to work tomorrow. there's this one boy, i think he's three or four, who is just the cutest. like i think i'm in love with his smile. 

off topic, but all of a sudden i also notice quite some progress i've made at the gym, particularly regarding the muscles in my arms and legs, and they feel a lot leaner as a result. that's something i want to keep up for sure.

[Judy2]

soooo... if all goes well, i'll officially be a psychology student in a couple of weeks. 

i haven't really allowed myself to get excited about this because the organisational side of things is a bit rough and stressful at the moment. 

in the past few weeks, i have been challenging myself a lot to be mobile, active, alive in the world....to walk the extra mile through unsafe, uncomfortable territory whenever i got the chance; to write countless applications, emails, make phone calls,.... and i have been feeling more grown up, more mature, balanced, nuanced, for sure. but the stress has also been building up quite a bit to the degree that i experienced some rather forceful releases yesterday and also this morning. 

right now, i am in this weird, activated mind-space where i feel like i should do, do, do - except it's time to rest now, and i can't really wind down, i feel a bit agitated, too unsafe to rest.... oh, well. 

but i thought i'd share the news and allow myself to start getting excited about this:) 

[Judy2]

i'm moving to the new city next week and also getting a new phone at the same time - which, somehow, is a destabilising combination for me. 

it's been a stressful few weeks - months, really - leading up to this, with tons of planning, back and forth, emails, phone calls, anxiously waiting (that one was tough), two 2-week trips to different cities for internships, all the while getting things in order for my graduation, planning to move somewhere else, and then the spontaneous news that i can start at the new uni.

this evening, i started packing and now i am starting to feel scared, if i am being honest. mostly about the new flat. my new "unscared" kind of mentality goes, you know what, i can just look for a nicer flat after the term is over, if i don't like this one. but still, it's scary, because suddenly there's so much going on in my life. apparently, i choose this over the discomfort of suffering and feeling lonely and useless in my comfort zone where i sit inside all day - but it's still odd and novel to me to actually interact with the world and deal with all the challenges thrown my way as i am tackling this step by step.

i've also started having good moments earlier today, when i could finally imagine how all this will go in a positive light - but yeah, there is definitely both, and right now the anxiety is more dominant. 

i'll just hold on a little bit and i am sure the excitement will come back eventually:) 

[Judy2]

in the past month or so, i got in the habit of deliberately imagining best-case scenarios. usually i do worst-case scenarios....and it's been tough, but i really pushed myself to do that, especially when waiting for critical feedback from uni and so on. overall, i think i felt quite proud and happy when i managed... but ahhh, right now it's tough. but it will also stop being that way and start feeling easier soon. it may just be an emotional weekend or something. 

Edited Thursday at 08:59 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

i thought i'd beaten the anxiety but now it's back and it feels so strong and real 

[Judy2]

i feel like i have talked about this one too many times, and i've considered making a whole thread to ask and try to understand more about it, but for now just a quick note here:

i am still thinking about this time when i was 18 (for context, my BMI was getting close to 10 and it was a very intense time for me both mentally, physically - and, apparently, existentially) and had a spiritual experience...still trying to make sense of it. now that i think of it, i believe it was paired with both dissociative and psychotic symptoms? the dissociation, i have figured out about 10 months back, but the psychotic element only occurred to me this morning when i was reminded of some very strange mental associations i was spinning back then. not sure if much "spiritual" remains if we have to subtract so many other factors, but weirdly, i feel these aspects do not negate the spiritual nature of the experience, either. because if that wasn't awakening (explosive unity), i don't know what is. i suppose it just goes to show the layers of complexity present in that scenario, and how the mental, physical, and spiritual are all intertwined, affecting each other in weirdly synergetic ways at that particularly intense moment in my life. just thought i would write this down.....mostly just for myself. 

Edited Friday at 12:22 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

okay, now the excitement is back: i am pretty happy that i get to study psychology, after all. it does (absolutely) feel like the right fit. 

[Judy2]

strange weekend. my parents are away and i have the house to myself, but cannot fully savour the peace because i am packing and anxiously awaiting what will happen to me next week. i am also battling this weird shift from stress and hyper-activation to utter boredom. it's so odd, because in stressful situations (i.e., around my parents), the anxiety is so strong it makes me lose sight of things and just wish to be rid of them - but once they leave, i am thrown back to myself, and that brings a whole different kind of discomfort, a whole different set of challenges - unbearable quiet. i have been trying to keep myself busy and be productive, and generally, these past three days, i have been doing a good job at that - but i am still noticing the challenge. 

it's also giving me a little too much time to introspect. i feel anxious, worried - and i have serious concerns that i will not feel comfortable, nor safe, in my new apartment. at the same time, i am really looking forward to building new friendships and having meaningful studies to focus on. i've been previewing some of the areas of study i will have to spend a lot of time on, and honestly found myself enjoying the organised study - in a way, studying is so simple because it's just learning, without needing to write my own thesis, make up my own mind, or worry about making decisions for myself. i'm just there to absorb and understand whatever the prof is telling me, and that, i can work with. so that's the positive side of this and it needs to be appreciated, too:) 

then, lastly - and i am trying to refute the thought, but - my age is also an increasingly stressful consideration. i am turning 24 soon and from time to time, i still feel a little ashamed for having taken my time in life. the wiser part of me has made peace with it, has understood that the "wasted" five and a half years i spent on my first degree were, apparently, also necessary for me to reach a certain maturity, and while my brother is on schedule with his PhD, i have been slowed down by serious health problems that he has never had. besides, it could be worse; i could be stuck at home feeling miserable at 24, or unable to work. at least i am able to do stuff, at least i have some kind of vision for myself now. ...so yeah, mentally i have prepared myself to answer the question about my comparatively advanced age by saying how it's an advantage and i needed to take my time to learn some lessons - but honestly, i still feel shitty about it, at least sometimes. 24 sounds SO OLD. need to get my skin-care in check lol. - anyway, i guess both sentiments are allowed to coexist, too, and i wanted to outline them both here. 

Edited yesterday at 01:29 PM by Judy2