"intimacy"

[Judy2]

the days keep getting rougher and the despair has been building up a bit. although yesterday, post-symptom, i told myself with surprising calm that one day i'll have this figured out, and i'll be just fine. 

then tonight - as my anxiety had quite reliably predicted - things escalated a little bit. eventually i just walked out the door, took my bike and cycled around the villages until it got dark. there was no anger - just a lot of sadness and despair. when the emotions got too strong - and heaven knows how i did this, because i usually don't manage - i started with that stupid alphabet skill, saying out loud fruits and then boy-names in alphabetical order. i stopped, thought again about my dire situation, felt more despair, cycled up a hill and eventually back home. then my mother said she wanted to talk to me and, again, i don't know how, but i actually pushed through, got that massage ball to run across my wrists and knead in my hands while talking to my parents. i had been thinking how much we hate each other all throughout my bike ride, how i should just never talk to them again, or maybe only on Christmas and birthdays....i had thought about how ugly i felt, too, and how sometimes i don't. ....but then they were actually trying hard to sound nice and understanding, so when i was having a tough time getting the words out and considered just leaving, i forced myself to stay and talk just a little bit....and now i just wanna rest and think about solutions tomorrow.

[Judy2]

hurting myself is how i win arguments.

 

that's another one i can add to the list. along with the revenge-motives, this idea of balancing the scales when my needs are ridiculed or not taken seriously in a relationship.

it's very childish, i know. like "oh look, i'm suddenly physically hurt, that must mean i'm right and you're wrong, and you should be kinder to me". 

very childish, kinda smart, but also very, very childish, simplistic, immature.

[Judy2]

.... it's been a rather exhausting week, but i am also feeling more positive and hopeful than usual - which i thought should be acknowledged here. i'll try my very best to keep it up. 

[Judy2]

i've been feeling different. a tiny bit more alive, awake, alert. 

worries keep popping up, but for now i seem to have figured out that they're all pointless, and the best way to go is to get used to finding happiness, peace, and joy in the present - cause where else would i find it? i have also decided that optimism is my best bet, even though i can still be anxious about the future.

despite this, it's been a busy and exhausting week. the bilingual kids seem to host twice as many germs as regular kids, and i've been warned, but actually ended up battling some kind of infection this weekend. i haven't felt this ill in a couple of years, although i'm hoping i'll still be able to go to work tomorrow. there's this one boy, i think he's three or four, who is just the cutest. like i think i'm in love with his smile. 

off topic, but all of a sudden i also notice quite some progress i've made at the gym, particularly regarding the muscles in my arms and legs, and they feel a lot leaner as a result. that's something i want to keep up for sure.