"intimacy"

[Judy2]

the days keep getting rougher and the despair has been building up a bit. although yesterday, post-symptom, i told myself with surprising calm that one day i'll have this figured out, and i'll be just fine. 

then tonight - as my anxiety had quite reliably predicted - things escalated a little bit. eventually i just walked out the door, took my bike and cycled around the villages until it got dark. there was no anger - just a lot of sadness and despair. when the emotions got too strong - and heaven knows how i did this, because i usually don't manage - i started with that stupid alphabet skill, saying out loud fruits and then boy-names in alphabetical order. i stopped, thought again about my dire situation, felt more despair, cycled up a hill and eventually back home. then my mother said she wanted to talk to me and, again, i don't know how, but i actually pushed through, got that massage ball to run across my wrists and knead in my hands while talking to my parents. i had been thinking how much we hate each other all throughout my bike ride, how i should just never talk to them again, or maybe only on Christmas and birthdays....i had thought about how ugly i felt, too, and how sometimes i don't. ....but then they were actually trying hard to sound nice and understanding, so when i was having a tough time getting the words out and considered just leaving, i forced myself to stay and talk just a little bit....and now i just wanna rest and think about solutions tomorrow.

[Judy2]

hurting myself is how i win arguments.

 

that's another one i can add to the list. along with the revenge-motives, this idea of balancing the scales when my needs are ridiculed or not taken seriously in a relationship.

it's very childish, i know. like "oh look, i'm suddenly physically hurt, that must mean i'm right and you're wrong, and you should be kinder to me". 

very childish, kinda smart, but also very, very childish, simplistic, immature.