"intimacy"

[Judy2]

i still feel so much anxiety, almost constantly.

[Judy2]

i thought i could shake it, but at this point i'm having doubts. i'm stressed. i'm worried. about my future and what should be next in terms of education/university/other formal training. this is important, it'll decide the trajectory of my life, it'll decide if 20, 30, 40, 50 years from now, i'll be happy or not. 

i feel so tense, so uncomfortable; nauseous, almost. 

i can't fix this, can't solve this, i don't know what to do, how to make things okay. ugh.

[Judy2]

i experienced more stress and, as a result, ed-symptoms today.

i'm sick of this and need to get my life sorted enough to settle in some place soon and find some support to deal with these issuss. i don't like how they've been getting out of hand and i can tell the stress and everything is a bit too much for me to handle on my own, even though i'm trying very hard.

[Judy2]

i can't fall asleep so i'll just write a bit to wind down.

so earlier i was debating whether to start another post in the mental health section...then i realised it would just be the tenth or twentieth time of me asking "i'm stressed and i can't relax - how do i relax?"

i feel so messed up and really quite uncomfortable in my own skin.

random insight, but approximately since last summer, every now and then i've been thinking that i can change my attitude toward money and be a bit more liberal with my finances. what good is a full bank account if, talking in extremes, i'll end up so miserable i wanna die. not that that has anything to do with the money..but i'm thinking that i may as well gamble a bit and invest in stuff (education, therapy). might be a waste, or it might make my life a tiny bit better and make me happier. who cares. i don't have the energy to care anymore. and i'm miserable anyway.

...i'm shocked every time i hit a low like that, that that's just life. or maybe that's life at 23. but i keep waiting for it to get better. i don't see why it's always such an endless struggle, why everything hits me so hard.

...kind of anticipating that autism or adhd diagnosis. not that that mattered. would just be nice to validate that i'm weird. it doesn't really matter what it's called, but i can just tell there's so much tension, so it's the ... and, most likely, generalised anxiety again - i've had it for years and it keeps finding new things to worry about, new topics that haunt me day and night as if my life depended on it.

i feel so exhausted and the worst part is i can't even relax when i try....that makes me sad to admit. haaaaa. sigh.

 

 

a few days ago i was still trying to counter this all with some positive lessons, but by now i've been conquered.

i know that back then a technique i wanted to share, that i actually felt hopeful about, was to ground myself in things that are permanent, steady, and independent of the current object of my anxiety. something like the weekly podcast i listen to - it'll be there again next week, and it'll make me smile a little bit, no matter how stressed i am right now about the mess that's my life.

 

i hate being such a mess. that's not me....i hope i'll get over that soon, but for now i feel forced to be such a mess and to hustle, after all, to try to get somewhere good and get things sorted. ....too much pressure.

crying as i'm writing this. i think i'm just sad at the situation, the neverending struggle. is that all life is? it should be more. but i don't think it is. i think most people just jump from one disappointment, one discomfort to the next, maybe delude themselves into being happy, or oblivious, inbetween....but the disappointment and suffering, that's ultimate. ....okay i onlysay that because that's the state i'm in now. what a shame to admit that. truth is, i don't know what life is, and i'll never have the definitive view, and all of Life changes as my emotions come and go. is it sad, tragic, dull, happy, meaningful? God knows. i know. i do, it's always what it is to me, now. duh.

[Judy2]

i've also been wondering if the ideal, mature, wise me would react to my toxic meltdowns, my crises, my moments of using obviously harmful coping mechanisms by being able to handle it by myself, keeping it to myself. would that be wiser, i wonder.

cause i feel toxic af when i speak up and go hey, i did x y z, i am struggling with behaviour x y z.

it's a weird dynamic to think about, a weird mind game.

is it toxic when i reach out, or is it good? either way it's because i'm too weak to handle the loneliness when i know something extreme that shouldn't happen happened. maybe i'd be "cooler" if i managed to deal with this by myself more. maybe that would be noble of me, more self-sacrificing, self-loathing, good.

.... but i'm also too weak to do that. and rationally, the recovery-interested me kind of gets how for people struggling with toxic behaviours....that somehow they can't shake, they're stuck with, they ended up with - without being able to choose, for now....the realm of responsibility isn't always the behaviour, but the part where they say "hey i'm struggling there".  ....which is quite a compassionate perspective, i'm impressed ( - ugh....express disgust at my own "healthy thoughts" again. i'm not supposed to have them.).

 

i wonder if this is me adulting, growing up....or me recovering and struggling with mental health. maybe it's both. quite a nasty combination. maybe there is no difference between the two. it's nasty, though, that adulting has to hurt so much all the time and i think it's mean that i struggle more than others. all the time.

i don't like being stuck in this reality....i don't know who thought to put me here, and to make my life so vile.

[Judy2]

16 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

i hate being such a mess. that's not me

 

2 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

i don't like being stuck in this reality....i don't know who thought to put me here, and to make my life so vile.

 

it's so weird, but it feels that way. don't know if it always has, or if it used to be the other way around.

but being this miserable, struggling this much, doesn't feel like me, it doesn't feel like my life, it doesn't feel like that's what life should be like, with all the crises and the disproportionate amount of drama that supersedes the boundary of what could still be perceived as adventurous or enjoyable.

[Judy2]

i just want to be safe. that's all.

[Judy2]

not feeling well.
stressed. bad body image. ed struggles. worries about the future. watched too many YouTube videos about food and bodies and diets. can't really pursue the cookbook idea because food is still something i'm ashamed of, i'm not happy with my body yet and i don't know what way of eating is the right one. i don't know if my problems with food and body image would be resolved if i simply committed to some sort of no carb diet for the rest of my life....something like that. i don't know what the right way of eating is.
i feel sad, and alone.
i need a therapist but don't have one.
don't know about my future job, either.
feeling uncomfortable and worried.

i have also been thinking about the autism accusation. i am the opposite of cold, though. usually, i feel too much. i am quite empathetic, i pride myself in being emotional, and i can also be quite social when i get the chance - so i don't know if i'm autistic. the sensory issues are real, though. with the right person, physical touch is one of my top two love languages, but sometimes i don't like being touched by family members. and there's comorbidity with other diagnoses i have. would like to get it tested (along with adhd) but i don't think i'll get an appointment any time soon.

to mention a positive note that i've been wanting to share....for the past two weeks i have been reading Fourth Wing and it's quite good. i didn't know i'm such a bad reader but i have to read many of the passages three time in a row to fully process what's going on. anyway, i like the suspense, i like the combination of utterly stereotypical, predictable, yet very satisfying elements with more unpredictable story telling. the romance definitely made me squeak in excitement a few times.

....feeling slightly calmer now. i'm not alowed to keep making plans while worried - when i experience worry, the first priority has to be cooling down. i think. who knows. no one told me how that works, it's just my best guess right now, the most loving rule of thumb i can think of, for now.

i think i'm too broken to make recovery content, be that in the shape of a book or a blog. how am i supposed to tell people the answers that i don't have. all i can say is, i don't know. all these people keep talking and i don't know what the best way is....if i knew, i could even be fierce and confident about it...but i don't know anything. which would be fine, but i have a life to live and decisions to make.

...but it's okay, i am safe, and no matter what, there are certain constants in life. every night, i go to bed, i sleep, i dream.... there are times to worry, and times where i may stop, and have faith.
it's tough to have faith when everything's a mess, but there's also not much of an alternative, and if eveything has to be a mess, i'd rather go through that with faith than without.

[Judy2]

sorting through my relationship with food

 

i don't know where to begin, but i had the spontaneous urge to note down some of the thoughts i have been having on the topic. 

first of all, i am thinking back to the dbt ward i was on last summer. i am not exaggerating when i say that probably half the women on this ward were overweight, if not severely obese, while the other half or so was underweight or at least quite skinny. evidently, at least 90% of these women with emotional issues were also having a hard time with food and their bodies. because of this, it breaks my heart to see that in our society, some sub-groups lack very fundamental understanding and compassion for the ways in which food is a deeply psychological, emotional thing to handle, and not just a matter of knowing how many calories are in what food. i wish people had more compassion for the ways in which eating disorders are an emotional issue, above all. - education about nutrition is important, but emotional regulation is, too, and i find it concerning when i see the 'fitness bubble' neglecting the very real emotional side of eating problems quite often, then demonising the people experiencing these problems - not always, but often enough for it to be harmful, i feel. maybe i am biased in that regard - but i know many people have that same bias as they are experiencing similar problems, and so i feel that more compassion definitely couldn't hurt. self-compassion, and compassion for the experience of other people and how struggles can be very real to some, even if they are non-existent to others. 

 

more questions i have been asking myself: 

in an ideal world, would i be counting calories and macros? - the conclusion i have come to is that, when perceived neutrally, calories and macros can be important information to help me decide what's good for me. nevertheless, i have to find a middle ground between intuition, flexibility, and making educated decisions. which is something i am still working on. practically speaking, i think sometimes knowing the numbers creates more harm than good for me personally, at the current stage i am at. 

in an ideal world, would i weigh myself? how often? - yes, i can, but not compulsively - again, i can treat this as neutral information. 

 

in an ideal world, would i eat processed foods? would i have any active dietary restrictions (e.g. low carb,...) in place? - to that, the most honest thing i can say is that i do not know the answer. i am aware that with my eating disorder history, an additional layer of complexity must be considered here. i don't know if excluding certain food groups entirely will ultimately help me overcome certain ed-struggles or worsen them. that's the most honest i can be for now, even though there are billions of people out there who seem to have set opinions on that. i'll have to figure it out myself and experiment a little. 

it's okay that i don't have it all figured out yet. i can be kind to myself anyway. 

 

in general, i think it's important for me to strengthen my appreciation of food - how it is grown, harvested, prepared; what it looks like, how it smells and tastes and feels. in the long-term, i'll have to make peace with food for life to be good, as food is such an essential part of being a living and breathing human being, and that can only happen when i allow myself to see its goodness. i also have to be able to focus on other things, though - but find balance in this regard, most of all. and just don't use it for emotional regulation, essentially... which i acknowledge is hard right now - whether i eat or don't eat, i can tell there's too much charge to the whole topic, be that subtly or not so subtly. there are also way too many thoughts about different body sizes, which only adds to the problem.... don't know how to handle that, tbh.

 

Edited Monday at 04:53 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

i wish someone could tell me to stop consuming all diet-, weight loss-, and fitness-related content. i can tell how that's always working within me, day and night, and it's not good for my mental health, only making certain struggles worse... but i also feel like i don't have permission to look away, and maybe i shouldn't "need" to look away....i should be strong enough to face the truth of it without letting it affect me like this. but maybe the kinder thing would be to allow myself to focus on different things, at least for some time.

ugh, this is heavy. 

i feel bad about myself, and alone. this is always such a silent struggle i'm dragging along at the back of my mind.

[Judy2]

i am experiencing self-harm urges because my dad kept asking questions about what i want to do in terms of university/getting my degree, the matter is already complicated enough when i spend time thinking about it on my own, and his insistent questioning made me feel bad.

i'm trying not to act on this, but thinking about the emotion now, maybe i will.

dad is especially triggering when i set a clear boundary and or become visibly agitated, and he keeps pushing.

Edited 23 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

i felt anger, and now i feel hurt. 

why does he not care enough about my emotional well-being to stop pushing when it's obvious things are getting too much for me, when i am explicitly telling him it's getting too much? 

 

i kind of want to be so sassy as to tell my parents, hey, maybe if dad knew when to leave me alone, i wouldn't have started self-harming, i wouldn't have become anorexic. they still blame it on Germany's Next Top Model... and they'd be real shocked to hear that they did, in fact, have a part in all this. which is somehow a truth you're not supposed to tell the parents of mentally afflicted people. 

i kind of want to tell them, every time you don't know when to stop pushing, i want to run upstairs and look for ways to hurt myself. maybe i should...not sure. that would be antisocial on my end, typically not my style - but it doesn't mean there's no truth to that.

i hate how they always pretend i'm the crazy one, and they're fine and too old to change. 

 

[Judy2]

irrespective of the communication with my parents....i feel a bit of sadness, regret, just circumstantially speaking, that my choice was taken away from me. no one took it, but when i was 18 years old and decided on my undergraduate degree, i was barely able to make an informed, future-oriented choice. i was 60-sth lbs and barely able to think clearly, and just thought E lit sounded good, basically, with every fibre of my being focussed on how to survive the now....without a single thought spent thinking about my future self, and then the years after that i felt quite unwell, too.

(maybe i should have died [when i knew i was good, looked good, in that moment....should have died young and beautiful...if i'd died when i was starving, there would have been no time left for me to become corrupted in any way....i would have died pure and beautiful and innocent]....now i'm stuck with the burden of a life to live, decisions to make that will shape me and my lived experience...a pile of mistakes to sort through...)

i'm trying to be smart now. people say i'm still young - i'm also quite old, but i also like to think i'm worth a second chance, my life is worth a second chance, for me to still re-think my choices and opt for something that may end up being fulfilling. 

i don't know...the situation is far from ideal.

Edited 20 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

again, i also wonder if i'm the only anorexia survivor thinking every now and then that i wish i hadn't. not even because my life is that miserable now, but because it can't quite live up to the grandiosity of having survived something so deep, having experienced such peak goodness when i was at my lowest.

i'll never be as beautiful as i was when i was dying.

just for purely selfish reasons, i would have maintained more personal integrity if i had died skinny. mission accomplished. i would have missed out on a lot, but people would have come to my grave, fantasising about all the good, beautiful things i could have been, had i lived on. - but now, as a "survivor", my life is everything but pretty, i lack perspective, none of it is really worth it, it's a struggle most of all - and it would have been the better option, to die young and beautiful, with all that glimmering potential everybody would project right into my deathbed. that's everything i would have been - endless, beautiful, gentle potential. - not this miserable, ugly pile of a mess that i am these days..... (apparently the dichotomous thinking is coming through again, there we have it.)

i simply shouldn't have survived. that would have been better for me, better for my soul, overall.

[Judy2]

who i am now isn't bad enough ending a life over, but who i am now is definitely not living up to the hype of "surviving anorexia", as though that'd be a guarantee of being good enough. like, that was pretty tough to let go of, if not an impossibility in many ways....and yet i did it, did the impossible.....and i shouldn't have, because look at me! nowhere near as genius as what this should have led up to.

[Judy2]

... earlier today, i felt good when i ran my last few minutes on the treadmill and then Lana Del Rey came on... thought i should write that down to balance things out a little.

i also felt good reading my book, and talking to a friend.

Edited 19 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

... maybe sometimes i'm a little too honest.

i'm trying to be kind to myself today, though. every now and then, when i'm relaxed, i manage to remember to love myself. i'm trying to do more of that. trust, relax, have faith. and it can't hurt to be a little more aware of my body, my thoughts, emotions, sensations, whenever i have a minute. maybe it's as simple as strengthening this muscle whenever i can.

i'll be okay.