"intimacy"

[Judy2]

i still feel so much anxiety, almost constantly.

[Judy2]

i thought i could shake it, but at this point i'm having doubts. i'm stressed. i'm worried. about my future and what should be next in terms of education/university/other formal training. this is important, it'll decide the trajectory of my life, it'll decide if 20, 30, 40, 50 years from now, i'll be happy or not. 

i feel so tense, so uncomfortable; nauseous, almost. 

i can't fix this, can't solve this, i don't know what to do, how to make things okay. ugh.

[Judy2]

i experienced more stress and, as a result, ed-symptoms today.

i'm sick of this and need to get my life sorted enough to settle in some place soon and find some support to deal with these issuss. i don't like how they've been getting out of hand and i can tell the stress and everything is a bit too much for me to handle on my own, even though i'm trying very hard.

[Judy2]

i can't fall asleep so i'll just write a bit to wind down.

so earlier i was debating whether to start another post in the mental health section...then i realised it would just be the tenth or twentieth time of me asking "i'm stressed and i can't relax - how do i relax?"

i feel so messed up and really quite uncomfortable in my own skin.

random insight, but approximately since last summer, every now and then i've been thinking that i can change my attitude toward money and be a bit more liberal with my finances. what good is a full bank account if, talking in extremes, i'll end up so miserable i wanna die. not that that has anything to do with the money..but i'm thinking that i may as well gamble a bit and invest in stuff (education, therapy). might be a waste, or it might make my life a tiny bit better and make me happier. who cares. i don't have the energy to care anymore. and i'm miserable anyway.

...i'm shocked every time i hit a low like that, that that's just life. or maybe that's life at 23. but i keep waiting for it to get better. i don't see why it's always such an endless struggle, why everything hits me so hard.

...kind of anticipating that autism or adhd diagnosis. not that that mattered. would just be nice to validate that i'm weird. it doesn't really matter what it's called, but i can just tell there's so much tension, so it's the ... and, most likely, generalised anxiety again - i've had it for years and it keeps finding new things to worry about, new topics that haunt me day and night as if my life depended on it.

i feel so exhausted and the worst part is i can't even relax when i try....that makes me sad to admit. haaaaa. sigh.

 

 

a few days ago i was still trying to counter this all with some positive lessons, but by now i've been conquered.

i know that back then a technique i wanted to share, that i actually felt hopeful about, was to ground myself in things that are permanent, steady, and independent of the current object of my anxiety. something like the weekly podcast i listen to - it'll be there again next week, and it'll make me smile a little bit, no matter how stressed i am right now about the mess that's my life.

 

i hate being such a mess. that's not me....i hope i'll get over that soon, but for now i feel forced to be such a mess and to hustle, after all, to try to get somewhere good and get things sorted. ....too much pressure.

crying as i'm writing this. i think i'm just sad at the situation, the neverending struggle. is that all life is? it should be more. but i don't think it is. i think most people just jump from one disappointment, one discomfort to the next, maybe delude themselves into being happy, or oblivious, inbetween....but the disappointment and suffering, that's ultimate. ....okay i onlysay that because that's the state i'm in now. what a shame to admit that. truth is, i don't know what life is, and i'll never have the definitive view, and all of Life changes as my emotions come and go. is it sad, tragic, dull, happy, meaningful? God knows. i know. i do, it's always what it is to me, now. duh.

[Judy2]

i've also been wondering if the ideal, mature, wise me would react to my toxic meltdowns, my crises, my moments of using obviously harmful coping mechanisms by being able to handle it by myself, keeping it to myself. would that be wiser, i wonder.

cause i feel toxic af when i speak up and go hey, i did x y z, i am struggling with behaviour x y z.

it's a weird dynamic to think about, a weird mind game.

is it toxic when i reach out, or is it good? either way it's because i'm too weak to handle the loneliness when i know something extreme that shouldn't happen happened. maybe i'd be "cooler" if i managed to deal with this by myself more. maybe that would be noble of me, more self-sacrificing, self-loathing, good.

.... but i'm also too weak to do that. and rationally, the recovery-interested me kind of gets how for people struggling with toxic behaviours....that somehow they can't shake, they're stuck with, they ended up with - without being able to choose, for now....the realm of responsibility isn't always the behaviour, but the part where they say "hey i'm struggling there".  ....which is quite a compassionate perspective, i'm impressed ( - ugh....express disgust at my own "healthy thoughts" again. i'm not supposed to have them.).

 

i wonder if this is me adulting, growing up....or me recovering and struggling with mental health. maybe it's both. quite a nasty combination. maybe there is no difference between the two. it's nasty, though, that adulting has to hurt so much all the time and i think it's mean that i struggle more than others. all the time.

i don't like being stuck in this reality....i don't know who thought to put me here, and to make my life so vile.

[Judy2]

16 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

i hate being such a mess. that's not me

 

2 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

i don't like being stuck in this reality....i don't know who thought to put me here, and to make my life so vile.

 

it's so weird, but it feels that way. don't know if it always has, or if it used to be the other way around.

but being this miserable, struggling this much, doesn't feel like me, it doesn't feel like my life, it doesn't feel like that's what life should be like, with all the crises and the disproportionate amount of drama that supersedes the boundary of what could still be perceived as adventurous or enjoyable.

[Judy2]

i just want to be safe. that's all.

[Judy2]

not feeling well.
stressed. bad body image. ed struggles. worries about the future. watched too many YouTube videos about food and bodies and diets. can't really pursue the cookbook idea because food is still something i'm ashamed of, i'm not happy with my body yet and i don't know what way of eating is the right one. i don't know if my problems with food and body image would be resolved if i simply committed to some sort of no carb diet for the rest of my life....something like that. i don't know what the right way of eating is.
i feel sad, and alone.
i need a therapist but don't have one.
don't know about my future job, either.
feeling uncomfortable and worried.

i have also been thinking about the autism accusation. i am the opposite of cold, though. usually, i feel too much. i am quite empathetic, i pride myself in being emotional, and i can also be quite social when i get the chance - so i don't know if i'm autistic. the sensory issues are real, though. with the right person, physical touch is one of my top two love languages, but sometimes i don't like being touched by family members. and there's comorbidity with other diagnoses i have. would like to get it tested (along with adhd) but i don't think i'll get an appointment any time soon.

to mention a positive note that i've been wanting to share....for the past two weeks i have been reading Fourth Wing and it's quite good. i didn't know i'm such a bad reader but i have to read many of the passages three time in a row to fully process what's going on. anyway, i like the suspense, i like the combination of utterly stereotypical, predictable, yet very satisfying elements with more unpredictable story telling. the romance definitely made me squeak in excitement a few times.

....feeling slightly calmer now. i'm not alowed to keep making plans while worried - when i experience worry, the first priority has to be cooling down. i think. who knows. no one told me how that works, it's just my best guess right now, the most loving rule of thumb i can think of, for now.

i think i'm too broken to make recovery content, be that in the shape of a book or a blog. how am i supposed to tell people the answers that i don't have. all i can say is, i don't know. all these people keep talking and i don't know what the best way is....if i knew, i could even be fierce and confident about it...but i don't know anything. which would be fine, but i have a life to live and decisions to make.

...but it's okay, i am safe, and no matter what, there are certain constants in life. every night, i go to bed, i sleep, i dream.... there are times to worry, and times where i may stop, and have faith.
it's tough to have faith when everything's a mess, but there's also not much of an alternative, and if eveything has to be a mess, i'd rather go through that with faith than without.